Do you ever have those weeks where you are just like...THAT was ordained by God? This week in the world of babies God was faithful!
Monday, one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Most babies being born are beautiful but this baby is a miracle! Her mommy, much like me was diagnosed with PCOS. Her mommy, much like me had trouble conceiving but through the help of fertility stuff they were able to conceive two boys earlier in their marriage. My friend still longed for a baby girl but had decided that 2 boys and they were probably done. Soon after making the decision that THEY were done, God was not! She conceived a baby with no doctors, no fertility, and no planning. She had decided in her head that it was a boy (since history would lead you to believe that). I remember the 4th of july week when she went to have her gender reveal ultrasound and when it came through that it was a girl, I went CRAZY! God had answered the longings of her heart! God had heard the desires of her heart, and created a miracle in such a way that this baby girl would never be able to deny that SHE is indeed a gift from God, a mommy's answered prayers...God showing off with the impossible...and we as his people are left in awe of His timing and his glory!
Flash forward to Wednesday and another set of our dear friends went to the hospital to witness the induction of their first baby being born through adoption. Come Thursday morning, there was beautiful baby boy born into this world. This mommy is very near to my heart because we walked through the pain of infertility, of painful baby showers, of wrestling with God through it all. She is bigger than me, because she was so supportive when we had Kadence...I am pretty sure if it would have been the other way around I would have thrown a two year old's temper tantrum (I pray that would not really have been true, but I think it might have been). They have been on the whirlwind of adoption and although so many things in our story are similar (down to the same lawyers, social workers, etc) there is so much in our story that is different. But I am so grateful for a sisterhood that brings us together, someone else that can walk through the beauty of a private adoption. Someone who knows the emotions of watching someone be in labor on your behalf. Someone who knows the anxiety of the 48hours after birth while you wait in expectance of the paperwork to be filled out. God brings us together and these babies together to watch his beautiful story unfold!
Then today, God brings finalization to our adoption process...it's crazy to think that this time last year I was just finding out that Kadence and that she had been conceived...and today we walk into the court with our families and a couple dear friends and stand before a judge.
I started this blog initially for my own processing. Without intending to the blog turned out to be ministering to others (people starting the adoption process, people who had lost babies, people who just needed to know that God was at work). So, my thoughts for today is that if you are where I was a year ago (a very dark place) and so broken, so burnt out...thinking God has forgotten you, that God is answering every prayer except for yours...if you have given up all hope...I tell you that God is still working...please don't give up on Him! Three mommies all this week experiencing God's gratefulness and goodness and breathing in our sweet miracles after long hard journeys and prayers that seemed like they were hitting the ceiling. I now look back and sometimes chuckle with God and apologizing for how mean and harsh I was to him out of my anger. I tell you now a year later that miracles happen, healing takes place, He answers prayers, and he restores lives and hearts that are broken.
Off to go get ready for court!
Friday, November 22, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Dear Kadence,
I know that you are too little to read this and you may even be too small to really get the significance of this week. You may just walk away this week thinking...wow my mommy sure has hugged me more than usual (and that's a lot) and wow mom and daddy are shedding lots of tears and everyone seems to be crying but happy...and this might confuse you greatly because you have yet figured out the beauty of shedding tears out of joy, shedding tears because you are overwhelmed by God's greatness and faithfulness. As your mommy I pray that you will get to experience these tears at some point in your journey because these tears are priceless. These tears are healing. These tears teach me as your mommy that God has not forgotten us, that He is still making and creating miracles, that He heard me many a days and nights as I cried out for you because I longed to be your mommy. The tears I shed are tears of exhaustion as this journey has been long and to see the end yet the beginning of a new journey is beautiful, they are tears of a weight being lifted because I have been so scared of what my life would look life if you weren't in it. These tears speak more than I could ever properly articulate. I hope that one day when you are reading this and looking at pictures from this week you can see our overwhelming love for you and how much you being in our life completes us and makes us better as a mommy and daddy and as husband and wife and how your mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus. This journey to you and through the last nine months is not a journey I would trade for the world! This week is everything we have been working towards for the last nine months. See for you, my little sunshine, this week is where daddy and I are switched from being "temporary guardians" to you "official" parents. This is something that in our hearts took place the moment we saw you on the sonogram for the first time, when we heard your heart beat for the first time, and then again in that hospital room when all the lights were off but one and you rested on my chest and I was in too much awe to even produce tears. From that first moment there were no papers that I needed signed that would make me "more" your mom. But for all legal purposes the "system" will now recognize you as our child and us as your parents...so for better or worse you are ours. A lot of people when trying to conceive a child and can't, look at Adoption as the back up plan. But for us adoption was never the back up plan, we had prayed for a child and were confident God was orchestrating that plan. Now, don't get me wrong I think pregnancy is beautiful and your birth mom was gorgeous with you in her belly...but I love OUR story. I love that God brought two families together that love you so much! I love that God knew the exact timing we would get you, when your court date would be, and everything in between. I think it's beautiful that our court date is 9 months from when you were born just like in pregnancy...for 9 months I have gotten to carry you, feed you, care for you, be up at night when you couldn't sleep but I get the rare privilege of knowing your heart and seeing your smile and knowing what my heart does when it is around yours. There is no doubt about it from the moment you were conceived God was lining up our stories for you to be my daughter and me to be your mommy. The amount of joy, purpose, love, awe, and beauty you have brought to the last nine months of my life is indescribable. You are loved more than your nine month brain or heart can comprehend! You are surrounded by a mommy and daddy that would go to the ends of the earth for you. You have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that when you are around their world is a better place. You have teens in your life that you are modeling for them what it means to have a healthy relationship with a parent and what unconditional love looks like. You, just by your smile alone, are bringing joy to their day and some needed just that to make it through their day. You are surrounded by a church community that loves you, stalks you on facebook, and longs for the days that they get the opportunity to serve you, serve with you, and to tell you about Jesus. You have God parents on opposite sides of the world, that don't get to hold you on a daily basis but they are living their life for Jesus and loving you by their prayers for you and for your walk with Jesus. You are loved by a whole community of people here and around the world that pray for you, that know you are an answered prayer and that you have been put in this story for such a time as this. You are loved by your birth family that as much as this week is a journey for us, we would not be where we are today without them. We thank them daily for trusting us with loving you for the rest of your life! So Miss K, this week might be a whirlwind for you but never forget that God is at work, that mommy and daddy love you and we commit to you today (and Friday in front of a judge) that everyday from here until eternity we are committed to being your mommy and daddy and everything that entails! Here's to the many days, weeks, and years of love, encouragement, fun times, hard times, tears, and everything in between that our life will entail!
Loving you forever and ever and then even more, Mommy
Loving you forever and ever and then even more, Mommy
Sunday, October 20, 2013
He knows better...
Kadence is growing leaps and bounds! She is full of life and fully aware that she can move and do somethings on her own. With this awareness has come a discontentedness when she CAN'T be mobile or when she can't get something to work, move, or operate in a way she thinks it should. She also has decided that going down for a nap is not nearly as exciting as it is to play. I as her mother can see the full day ahead and I see when she needs to rest so that she can play later. I see that she need to eat now so she's not hungry later. I move her from her path to protect her from dangers she can not see constantly while she is on the move. Some of my assistance comes very welcomed by her and she is full of smiles and ready for what I have planned. Other interruptions or assistance I offer her is not welcomed change and she likes to vocalize when this is the case.
This morning I was putting Kadence down for a nap before church and I knew that she was not going to be happy with this decision but knew that if she slept before church she would have more fun playing at church. And sure enough as I put her down the tears came and not even the pacifier could console her outrage that this was the course I had chosen for her and I was not budging. At one point I was thinking if she could only see what I can see. If she could only see that this is really in her best interest, that I am putting her down for a nap to set her up for success and because I know more about how her little body operates and what she needs more than she does...and then I stopped...as much as I was having this discussion in my head about how much easier this nap would be if Kadence would just trust me...it hit me...
I act towards God just the way Kadence acts towards me. I think many times I have my life figured out and what my desires are and the course my life should be on and then anytime God picks me up and changes my course, or slows me down because I need rest, or shows up in the countless other ways that He does...I find myself often responding in the way Kadence does: Happy when I agree with His decision and tears/outrage when I don't.
I was thinking this the other day when I was talking to a friend about her pregnancy journey. I find myself in this time of my life that every person I know (friend, acquaintance, or random stranger at the grocery store) is pregnant. Most of my close friends are pregnant and I truth be told could not be happier. I was texting a friend that we had just received the news they were expecting and she replied Oh, Kylie I have prayed that this would not be painful for you. In response (I know she couldn't tell if it was true-but it very much was) I said I was content in my journey and that God had healed those very deep wounds. Countless days I prayed to God to be pregnant, many tears and outrage over the fact that it wasn't and couldn't happen. There were days when I wanted to throw a temper-tantrum (ones I hear are coming in my walk with Kadence but I have not witnessed yet). There were days when I wanted to tell Him to trust ME I knew what was best for ME! But he was silent and ever so gently moving me around on my journey...growing me, changing me, molding me, loving me and knowing what I needed and when I needed it and how I needed it. He knew my hearts desire was to be a mom and He never desired to NOT give me my hearts desire (something that took me a long time to realize). He never was sitting up on some huge cloud and in the deepest creepiest laugh did He ever say bahahahaha look at that pain you are experiencing because you want this so bad and have no desire to wait on my timing baahahahahah go ahead and cry you little girl! He never was "holding out" on me! But just in HIS right timing, with HIS perfect ways...HE knew what I needed. HE knew when I was ready, when my marriage was ready, when my walk with Him was ready, He knew when the healing had reached a point where I could be an effective and loving mom. He knew all the intricate details that needed to take place and be a part of the story so that at no point in this journey could I ever take pride in knowing that I did this. In no part of my journey can I give myself glory or credit. It ALL goes to Him.
I now on the other side of this journey have much the realization that Kadence will have when we go to grandma's today. He did what He did and I walked through what I did out of Love He had for me. Kadence is napping right now because of my love I have for her and knowing that sleep is what she needs most to have the best day for her she can have. Just like God knew that I needed to walk through the things I did and when I did to be the best mom, wife, and follower of Him I could be.
These things we do are out of love and I don't think I realized how parallel my relationship with Kadence is much life my own relationship with God and I am constantly learning things from both of them that mold me into a better human.
I know that Kadence's journey with a nap verses play time seems a silly comparison to my journey through infertility, pregnancy, and adoption but in each of our lives for that period of our life it was a big deal :)
Feeling blessed to watch God unfolding His plan in my life and I am raking in the blessings as I wait on Him. Feeling blessed to have healing in wounds that I never thought would get healed. Feeling the peace and rest on the other side of the mountain after the long walk up the mountain, the wrestling and temper-tantrums that unfolded and the years and years of unanswered prayers all unfolding in this season of my life, with unimaginable healing, for such a time as this. I breathe in, breathe out and acknowledge in my life, He knows better!
This morning I was putting Kadence down for a nap before church and I knew that she was not going to be happy with this decision but knew that if she slept before church she would have more fun playing at church. And sure enough as I put her down the tears came and not even the pacifier could console her outrage that this was the course I had chosen for her and I was not budging. At one point I was thinking if she could only see what I can see. If she could only see that this is really in her best interest, that I am putting her down for a nap to set her up for success and because I know more about how her little body operates and what she needs more than she does...and then I stopped...as much as I was having this discussion in my head about how much easier this nap would be if Kadence would just trust me...it hit me...
I act towards God just the way Kadence acts towards me. I think many times I have my life figured out and what my desires are and the course my life should be on and then anytime God picks me up and changes my course, or slows me down because I need rest, or shows up in the countless other ways that He does...I find myself often responding in the way Kadence does: Happy when I agree with His decision and tears/outrage when I don't.
I was thinking this the other day when I was talking to a friend about her pregnancy journey. I find myself in this time of my life that every person I know (friend, acquaintance, or random stranger at the grocery store) is pregnant. Most of my close friends are pregnant and I truth be told could not be happier. I was texting a friend that we had just received the news they were expecting and she replied Oh, Kylie I have prayed that this would not be painful for you. In response (I know she couldn't tell if it was true-but it very much was) I said I was content in my journey and that God had healed those very deep wounds. Countless days I prayed to God to be pregnant, many tears and outrage over the fact that it wasn't and couldn't happen. There were days when I wanted to throw a temper-tantrum (ones I hear are coming in my walk with Kadence but I have not witnessed yet). There were days when I wanted to tell Him to trust ME I knew what was best for ME! But he was silent and ever so gently moving me around on my journey...growing me, changing me, molding me, loving me and knowing what I needed and when I needed it and how I needed it. He knew my hearts desire was to be a mom and He never desired to NOT give me my hearts desire (something that took me a long time to realize). He never was sitting up on some huge cloud and in the deepest creepiest laugh did He ever say bahahahaha look at that pain you are experiencing because you want this so bad and have no desire to wait on my timing baahahahahah go ahead and cry you little girl! He never was "holding out" on me! But just in HIS right timing, with HIS perfect ways...HE knew what I needed. HE knew when I was ready, when my marriage was ready, when my walk with Him was ready, He knew when the healing had reached a point where I could be an effective and loving mom. He knew all the intricate details that needed to take place and be a part of the story so that at no point in this journey could I ever take pride in knowing that I did this. In no part of my journey can I give myself glory or credit. It ALL goes to Him.
I now on the other side of this journey have much the realization that Kadence will have when we go to grandma's today. He did what He did and I walked through what I did out of Love He had for me. Kadence is napping right now because of my love I have for her and knowing that sleep is what she needs most to have the best day for her she can have. Just like God knew that I needed to walk through the things I did and when I did to be the best mom, wife, and follower of Him I could be.
These things we do are out of love and I don't think I realized how parallel my relationship with Kadence is much life my own relationship with God and I am constantly learning things from both of them that mold me into a better human.
I know that Kadence's journey with a nap verses play time seems a silly comparison to my journey through infertility, pregnancy, and adoption but in each of our lives for that period of our life it was a big deal :)
Feeling blessed to watch God unfolding His plan in my life and I am raking in the blessings as I wait on Him. Feeling blessed to have healing in wounds that I never thought would get healed. Feeling the peace and rest on the other side of the mountain after the long walk up the mountain, the wrestling and temper-tantrums that unfolded and the years and years of unanswered prayers all unfolding in this season of my life, with unimaginable healing, for such a time as this. I breathe in, breathe out and acknowledge in my life, He knows better!
Monday, October 7, 2013
Christmas in October?
If anyone knows me and knows my story they know that I HATE CHRISTMAS! About October my anxiety goes through the roof and I start freaking out about Christmas. The closer it gets the more emotions, paranoia, and crazy I become...
On Dec 23, 2007 a mere 6 months after my dad walked me down the aisle my dad passed away and lost his battle with cancer. I don't like to talk about it much, it's grief and it is hard. This will be year six and although it might seem easier the pain is still very much there, I would do anything in the world to get another Christmas with my dad! Fast forward to the next year and it was about this time of year that my grandfather got sick, was admitted into the hospital, and seven weeks later also passed away. Grandpa passed away on December 9th, 2008. Two years of despair, grief, anger, doubt, questions...I was mad at God and confident that no good would come of Christmas anymore. The next year I sat on pins and needles awaiting for the call that someone I loved was dying. I worried everyday Andy went to work, fearing it would be his last. I was confident God was out to take everyone and everything away from me that I loved. My dad and my grandpa were so important to me and I wasn't sure how to go on. That next Christmas started my "Pro Deo christmas gifts from Jesus" as I fondly call them because for the next three years I was blessed with teenagers that needed homes during the holidays so I got the chance to push my grief under the rug while I took care of people that needed my attention and took the attention away from all the pain of Christmas...but every year it found its way back in and I felt like the plauge of Christmas would never leave. I hated singing Joy to the world, I hated being with family and friends, I hated everything that Christmas was and all the excitement that led up to it. I cried all the weeks of advent for all those years in pain, all that anger, and the feeling that life was not fair...
Then there was last year at Christmas and right before Advent we got that call about Kadence (although we didn't name her till the week of love in advent) and every week I found myself crying through church as we prepared at church to welcome a gift and at home we were doing the exact same thing. I was use to crying in church during Advent, I was not use to experiencing God's healing as advent continued to unfold. While there was the preparation of baby Jesus at church we were working like elves at our home trying to transform our home from a youth center to a loving home for a baby girl...a transformation that was NOT a small undertaking! From the paint and primer to the hopes and dreams of what was to come and all of the paper work, lots and lots of paper work...somewhere between the passages of scripture, the quietness of the christmas lights, the tastiness of christmas treats, and the countless tears that ran down my face through worship, at starbucks, and at any other random place they decided to fall something miraculous happened...Jesus healed my wounds, he healed the pain of Christmas, He healed the fear of the loving others, He healed the anger of people I love being ripped away from me, He took this grinch and turned my heart into a girl that tonight just watched a tv show on netflix that was during Christmas and got goose bumps when there were Christmas Carolers and I smiled. This year I have found myself over looking fall (although it has been really fun too) and focused on Advent which starts a week after court finalization in our home. I know Kadence is too little for most of the activities that we will do and won't remember most of or even all of what we do but this year we celebrate Christmas out of healing, out of celebrating where we have come from...not running from the pain or grief but embracing they journey that led us to celebration. We embrace that Jesus was not finished with our story...He loved me enough to sit with me in my pain, take all of my anger and love me still. He loved me enough to send me a gift, of a child at the perfect time, in a perfect season and he would use that little girl to bless me and bless my family. He would use that little girl to heal some very deep wounds, to answer some of my biggest doubts, and to show off how intricate and lavish his plans were for me and my family.
This year I find myself in October wanting to start making crafts for December. I find myself wanting to tell Kadence all about Christmas and the things that she will get to experience. I find myself telling her about the love that her grandpa and great grandpa had for her before even knowing her. I find myself telling her about this amazing God that we have, that knows me and knows my story and knows her and knows her story and knew that we needed each other for such a time as this. I find myself breathing as October is in full swing...not with anxiety...but with a breath of fresh crisp air...God is a healing God and He is not done.
It would have been easy to give up on God when I was in the midst of my grief, anger, and bitterness...it would have been easy to walk away and not look back. It would have been easy to turn to alcohol, drugs, or whatever coping mechanism I could find...but I didn't...I kept pushing forward- seeking Him and being honest with my emotions (as fun as that was) and my struggle and somewhere between that very VERY dark place and the excitement I am living in this year I have found God's goodness. I have found the truth in the Ephesians verse about God doing more than we could ask or imagine and completing the good work He has started in me. I in no way, shape, or form think that God is done with me and my journey with Christmas...I am just grateful that on October 7th of 2013 I can be thankful, embrace God's grace, love and look forward to the month of December.
On Dec 23, 2007 a mere 6 months after my dad walked me down the aisle my dad passed away and lost his battle with cancer. I don't like to talk about it much, it's grief and it is hard. This will be year six and although it might seem easier the pain is still very much there, I would do anything in the world to get another Christmas with my dad! Fast forward to the next year and it was about this time of year that my grandfather got sick, was admitted into the hospital, and seven weeks later also passed away. Grandpa passed away on December 9th, 2008. Two years of despair, grief, anger, doubt, questions...I was mad at God and confident that no good would come of Christmas anymore. The next year I sat on pins and needles awaiting for the call that someone I loved was dying. I worried everyday Andy went to work, fearing it would be his last. I was confident God was out to take everyone and everything away from me that I loved. My dad and my grandpa were so important to me and I wasn't sure how to go on. That next Christmas started my "Pro Deo christmas gifts from Jesus" as I fondly call them because for the next three years I was blessed with teenagers that needed homes during the holidays so I got the chance to push my grief under the rug while I took care of people that needed my attention and took the attention away from all the pain of Christmas...but every year it found its way back in and I felt like the plauge of Christmas would never leave. I hated singing Joy to the world, I hated being with family and friends, I hated everything that Christmas was and all the excitement that led up to it. I cried all the weeks of advent for all those years in pain, all that anger, and the feeling that life was not fair...
Then there was last year at Christmas and right before Advent we got that call about Kadence (although we didn't name her till the week of love in advent) and every week I found myself crying through church as we prepared at church to welcome a gift and at home we were doing the exact same thing. I was use to crying in church during Advent, I was not use to experiencing God's healing as advent continued to unfold. While there was the preparation of baby Jesus at church we were working like elves at our home trying to transform our home from a youth center to a loving home for a baby girl...a transformation that was NOT a small undertaking! From the paint and primer to the hopes and dreams of what was to come and all of the paper work, lots and lots of paper work...somewhere between the passages of scripture, the quietness of the christmas lights, the tastiness of christmas treats, and the countless tears that ran down my face through worship, at starbucks, and at any other random place they decided to fall something miraculous happened...Jesus healed my wounds, he healed the pain of Christmas, He healed the fear of the loving others, He healed the anger of people I love being ripped away from me, He took this grinch and turned my heart into a girl that tonight just watched a tv show on netflix that was during Christmas and got goose bumps when there were Christmas Carolers and I smiled. This year I have found myself over looking fall (although it has been really fun too) and focused on Advent which starts a week after court finalization in our home. I know Kadence is too little for most of the activities that we will do and won't remember most of or even all of what we do but this year we celebrate Christmas out of healing, out of celebrating where we have come from...not running from the pain or grief but embracing they journey that led us to celebration. We embrace that Jesus was not finished with our story...He loved me enough to sit with me in my pain, take all of my anger and love me still. He loved me enough to send me a gift, of a child at the perfect time, in a perfect season and he would use that little girl to bless me and bless my family. He would use that little girl to heal some very deep wounds, to answer some of my biggest doubts, and to show off how intricate and lavish his plans were for me and my family.
This year I find myself in October wanting to start making crafts for December. I find myself wanting to tell Kadence all about Christmas and the things that she will get to experience. I find myself telling her about the love that her grandpa and great grandpa had for her before even knowing her. I find myself telling her about this amazing God that we have, that knows me and knows my story and knows her and knows her story and knew that we needed each other for such a time as this. I find myself breathing as October is in full swing...not with anxiety...but with a breath of fresh crisp air...God is a healing God and He is not done.
It would have been easy to give up on God when I was in the midst of my grief, anger, and bitterness...it would have been easy to walk away and not look back. It would have been easy to turn to alcohol, drugs, or whatever coping mechanism I could find...but I didn't...I kept pushing forward- seeking Him and being honest with my emotions (as fun as that was) and my struggle and somewhere between that very VERY dark place and the excitement I am living in this year I have found God's goodness. I have found the truth in the Ephesians verse about God doing more than we could ask or imagine and completing the good work He has started in me. I in no way, shape, or form think that God is done with me and my journey with Christmas...I am just grateful that on October 7th of 2013 I can be thankful, embrace God's grace, love and look forward to the month of December.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Which phone call was I waiting for?
It happened, that phone call I have been waiting for this past year came...there have been several phone calls or text messages I have waited to hear this past year and each time I am like, "Oh, that's the one I was waiting for"
It started with a text message on October 16th of 2012: "Hey, I don't know if this is to personal or not but where are you and Andy at on trying to conceive?" to then the text message of "I have a young woman who is pregnant and has a healthy baby girl due in February, can I give her your contact info?"
Fast forward to November 27th of 2012 and the text message came: "Do you have time to come and see me?" Which then proceeded to me coming to walk in the front door of an office, walking down a long hallway and into a beautiful room where a young girl sat and looked up at me and asked if we would consider adopting her baby girl...the raw emotion that I buried deep down that day so I would not look like a fool blubbering like a big ole baby for fear of scaring this young woman with my emotions and longing for this sweet child. Then the phone calls, tears, and emotion as I called my family trying to make something feel for real...
Over the next 12 weeks there was several phone calls and text messages that meant a lot to me, meant that we got to see the sonogram, get to know our new extended family, and continue the journey of checking in on this young woman that was now my new favorite person to get text messages or phone calls from.
Fast forward to February 24th of 2013 and the text message came: "Mommy I think Kadence wants to meet you today" to the phone calls, text messages, and facebook messages to spread the good news. There was emotion there too but the surreal-ness of the whole thing made for the emotions everywhere
then on February 28th: the call of court, text messages with the social worker...Temporary Custody was ours and there was emotion...
This whole time I have been trying to control my feeling, controlling my excitement and balancing it with fear. I have been loving with my whole heart but balancing it with what if's. I have been living in raw emotion but burying it deep within for the just in case...Andy and I kept saying that it just hasn't sunk in...it's something that we can't process or explain
Fast forward to yesterday September 26, 2013 and getting a call from our lawyer: "Kylie, do you have a minute? I have a few things I want to run by you. Are you free November 22nd? (I am not sure what my response was supposed to be- I am pretty sure EVEN if I had something planned I would cancel so that I could go to court) Okay that is the first available date we can get you in for finalization. " I jotted it down on a random piece of paper and was trying to get Andy's attention as he headed out the door and showed him my scrap of paper and was trying to make some motion like this is our court date- lol. It seemed logical at the time. I get off of the phone, Andy is gone, and Kadence is waking from a nap and I go and pick her up and I lost it-like ugly cry lost it...there was such a release, everything I had bottled up for almost a year seeping out. Kadence was looking at me very confused and I picked her up and told her do you know that I get to be your forever mommy? You don't even know what this means for me or you? Temporary no more my friend, yep no more temporary custody...you're mine. And she looked at me with her two tooth grin and spastically moved her hands with a "haaaaa-ahhhhh" and I knew she approved. I scooped her up in my arms and snuggled her close...and felt a breath that was deeper than I have breathed these last 7 months. A breath of freedom as I start to see the light...at the end of this journey...the part of the journey where we stop focusing on the journey of adoption and focus on the journey of being a parent...
THIS was the phone call I was waiting for...all of the other ones added up to make this one extra special. Almost a year in the making from hearing that Kadence even existed to this phone call...to know that she gets to be ours forever!
I am a VERY happy mommy, a VERY emotional mommy, and a VERY blessed mommy!
It started with a text message on October 16th of 2012: "Hey, I don't know if this is to personal or not but where are you and Andy at on trying to conceive?" to then the text message of "I have a young woman who is pregnant and has a healthy baby girl due in February, can I give her your contact info?"
Fast forward to November 27th of 2012 and the text message came: "Do you have time to come and see me?" Which then proceeded to me coming to walk in the front door of an office, walking down a long hallway and into a beautiful room where a young girl sat and looked up at me and asked if we would consider adopting her baby girl...the raw emotion that I buried deep down that day so I would not look like a fool blubbering like a big ole baby for fear of scaring this young woman with my emotions and longing for this sweet child. Then the phone calls, tears, and emotion as I called my family trying to make something feel for real...
Over the next 12 weeks there was several phone calls and text messages that meant a lot to me, meant that we got to see the sonogram, get to know our new extended family, and continue the journey of checking in on this young woman that was now my new favorite person to get text messages or phone calls from.
Fast forward to February 24th of 2013 and the text message came: "Mommy I think Kadence wants to meet you today" to the phone calls, text messages, and facebook messages to spread the good news. There was emotion there too but the surreal-ness of the whole thing made for the emotions everywhere
then on February 28th: the call of court, text messages with the social worker...Temporary Custody was ours and there was emotion...
This whole time I have been trying to control my feeling, controlling my excitement and balancing it with fear. I have been loving with my whole heart but balancing it with what if's. I have been living in raw emotion but burying it deep within for the just in case...Andy and I kept saying that it just hasn't sunk in...it's something that we can't process or explain
Fast forward to yesterday September 26, 2013 and getting a call from our lawyer: "Kylie, do you have a minute? I have a few things I want to run by you. Are you free November 22nd? (I am not sure what my response was supposed to be- I am pretty sure EVEN if I had something planned I would cancel so that I could go to court) Okay that is the first available date we can get you in for finalization. " I jotted it down on a random piece of paper and was trying to get Andy's attention as he headed out the door and showed him my scrap of paper and was trying to make some motion like this is our court date- lol. It seemed logical at the time. I get off of the phone, Andy is gone, and Kadence is waking from a nap and I go and pick her up and I lost it-like ugly cry lost it...there was such a release, everything I had bottled up for almost a year seeping out. Kadence was looking at me very confused and I picked her up and told her do you know that I get to be your forever mommy? You don't even know what this means for me or you? Temporary no more my friend, yep no more temporary custody...you're mine. And she looked at me with her two tooth grin and spastically moved her hands with a "haaaaa-ahhhhh" and I knew she approved. I scooped her up in my arms and snuggled her close...and felt a breath that was deeper than I have breathed these last 7 months. A breath of freedom as I start to see the light...at the end of this journey...the part of the journey where we stop focusing on the journey of adoption and focus on the journey of being a parent...
THIS was the phone call I was waiting for...all of the other ones added up to make this one extra special. Almost a year in the making from hearing that Kadence even existed to this phone call...to know that she gets to be ours forever!
I am a VERY happy mommy, a VERY emotional mommy, and a VERY blessed mommy!
Sunday, September 8, 2013
A Praying Mom...
I should be sitting in church this morning but I am not, I am sitting in a coffee shop listening to worship music, journaling, and praying...not just praying, but fervently praying...the kind of praying where you lay your heart out, your emotions deep, and everything in you yearns to be heard...it's a crying out kind of praying...it's a desperation prayer...it's passionate...
This week at work has been one of the most draining not just in hours, but emotionally. There has been more drama than I can stay on top of, there have been more "problems" in kids lives, the poverty, the dysfunction, the drugs, the sex, the addictions, the parents that don't care, the parents that have a false view of their children, the brokenness...it's almost too much for this heart to bare...I battle with worldly emotions of anger, sleepiness, and just wanting someone to blame...I want to blame the parents, I want to blame the schools, I want to blame our community, I want to blame media, our culture...and the tears come and I find myself weeping in our brokenness and knowing that those are not the answers.
I am reading a book called The Passionate Mom and in one section of her book she talks about how the passionate mom is full of passion (which leads a mom to action) and prayer for her child. I can't help but as I read this book I am constantly using it in ministry too (not just in parenting). I find myself as a momma bear finding that passion and the prayer for my children, your children, our children as a community, and God's children...
I think since having a baby girl I have become even more passionate about girls and the things they endure on a daily basis. It brings great fear to think of what one day Kadence will have to endure (I'm sure she'll be fine since she will never leave the house ;)) It doesn't help that in this season of my work life I have been blessed with some dynamite young women!
This morning there are a few girls on my heart that I can't shake the need to cry on their behalf. There are a few girls that the mere utter of their name brings my heart to a heaping mess! They might not be my biological daughters or my adopted daughters but my heart knows no difference. My heart loves them, is passionate about them, and prays for them in the way I feel a mother should. If I could tell them anything and have it not go unheard and have it resonate in their hearts forever this is what I would say...
You are Beautiful: Not in the worlds sense of beauty but in the deepest since of beauty. You are loyal, compassionate, energetic, and full of life. I see you and your smiles radiate my soul. You give me hope! Your beauty is in your kindness and your love for others. You are broken but your heart is still pure. The world has been cruel to you but you are still beautiful to your core both inside and out. I wish that you could see your beauty and love yourself the way I find myself loving you.
I'm sorry: I'm sorry for parts of your journey that seem so painful that I don't know how to comfort you through them. Seeing your pain makes me weep. Seeing your tears and how the world has hurt you, hurts me. I wish there was a hug big enough to take this pain away. I know that you need more, I know you need the love of a compassionate God to hold you and wipe your tears and that Kylie's hugs and coffee dates are just not enough to heal the wounds that are so deep and so wide. I'm sorry for the addictions you suffer from. I'm sorry boys have hurt you to the depth that they have. I'm sorry girls are cruel and you can't find true friends. I am sorry you have parents that are selfish or are wrapped up in their own addictions or relationships and you feel like they can't see you. I'm sorry for the pain you endure and the hatred you have of yourself. I am sorry for the shame you carry around because of the choices you have made. I am sorry you are scared, that you feel stuck, and that you have been hurt by this crazy world...I wish I could show you the power of forgiveness. I wish I could show you the depth of God's love to heal the wounds, to take away the shame, and to heal the most destructive relationships and addictions in your life.
You are loved: I love you, I can't deny it...my love for you is real, deep, and passionate. For whatever reason you have been put in my life and I love you the way a mother should love a child. Your stories pain me and I wish that I could just make the pain go away. I, in the wise old woman way, passionately believe that God is pulling you close to Him. There are a few of you that know that full well and are running confidently in the other direction and that's okay. He is even more passionate about you than I am and he is more patient too (although that doesn't take much-lol). My love, and even more so God's love, for you is so hard for you to grasp because our society has thrown the word love around so foolishly that you have a warped since of what love is when I tell you that I love you and when I tell you that God loves you it means something different than when that boy who told you he loved you and then the next day slept with your best friend...that was and will never be love. We don't love you in the way you love your favorite television show or your favorite food. They are not words that I throw around lightly. They are words that keep me up at all hours of the night praying for you. They are words that when you walk through the front door after school and I can't wait to hear everything that happened to you during your day. They are words that make your tears my tears, and your laughter my laughter. These words make me fight for you, even when you have stopped fighting for yourself. These words compel me to show up and be there for the long haul...not for just this week but for the weeks and years to come. These words lead me to not give up on you, even when you have given up on you. These words mean something...you may not know it today but I pray that one day that you will know the truth that you are loved.
These girls make me excited and scared for what it will be like to have a teenage daughter...If I am this torn up about the girls in my life today I can not even fathom the depth of my prayers, tears, and love for Kadence as she continues to grow. I am blessed to be a praying momma. I would not trade these tears or the sleepless night for any of my "daughters".
God is working in a mighty way...will you join me in praying for our daughters in our community...
This week at work has been one of the most draining not just in hours, but emotionally. There has been more drama than I can stay on top of, there have been more "problems" in kids lives, the poverty, the dysfunction, the drugs, the sex, the addictions, the parents that don't care, the parents that have a false view of their children, the brokenness...it's almost too much for this heart to bare...I battle with worldly emotions of anger, sleepiness, and just wanting someone to blame...I want to blame the parents, I want to blame the schools, I want to blame our community, I want to blame media, our culture...and the tears come and I find myself weeping in our brokenness and knowing that those are not the answers.
I am reading a book called The Passionate Mom and in one section of her book she talks about how the passionate mom is full of passion (which leads a mom to action) and prayer for her child. I can't help but as I read this book I am constantly using it in ministry too (not just in parenting). I find myself as a momma bear finding that passion and the prayer for my children, your children, our children as a community, and God's children...
I think since having a baby girl I have become even more passionate about girls and the things they endure on a daily basis. It brings great fear to think of what one day Kadence will have to endure (I'm sure she'll be fine since she will never leave the house ;)) It doesn't help that in this season of my work life I have been blessed with some dynamite young women!
This morning there are a few girls on my heart that I can't shake the need to cry on their behalf. There are a few girls that the mere utter of their name brings my heart to a heaping mess! They might not be my biological daughters or my adopted daughters but my heart knows no difference. My heart loves them, is passionate about them, and prays for them in the way I feel a mother should. If I could tell them anything and have it not go unheard and have it resonate in their hearts forever this is what I would say...
You are Beautiful: Not in the worlds sense of beauty but in the deepest since of beauty. You are loyal, compassionate, energetic, and full of life. I see you and your smiles radiate my soul. You give me hope! Your beauty is in your kindness and your love for others. You are broken but your heart is still pure. The world has been cruel to you but you are still beautiful to your core both inside and out. I wish that you could see your beauty and love yourself the way I find myself loving you.
I'm sorry: I'm sorry for parts of your journey that seem so painful that I don't know how to comfort you through them. Seeing your pain makes me weep. Seeing your tears and how the world has hurt you, hurts me. I wish there was a hug big enough to take this pain away. I know that you need more, I know you need the love of a compassionate God to hold you and wipe your tears and that Kylie's hugs and coffee dates are just not enough to heal the wounds that are so deep and so wide. I'm sorry for the addictions you suffer from. I'm sorry boys have hurt you to the depth that they have. I'm sorry girls are cruel and you can't find true friends. I am sorry you have parents that are selfish or are wrapped up in their own addictions or relationships and you feel like they can't see you. I'm sorry for the pain you endure and the hatred you have of yourself. I am sorry for the shame you carry around because of the choices you have made. I am sorry you are scared, that you feel stuck, and that you have been hurt by this crazy world...I wish I could show you the power of forgiveness. I wish I could show you the depth of God's love to heal the wounds, to take away the shame, and to heal the most destructive relationships and addictions in your life.
You are loved: I love you, I can't deny it...my love for you is real, deep, and passionate. For whatever reason you have been put in my life and I love you the way a mother should love a child. Your stories pain me and I wish that I could just make the pain go away. I, in the wise old woman way, passionately believe that God is pulling you close to Him. There are a few of you that know that full well and are running confidently in the other direction and that's okay. He is even more passionate about you than I am and he is more patient too (although that doesn't take much-lol). My love, and even more so God's love, for you is so hard for you to grasp because our society has thrown the word love around so foolishly that you have a warped since of what love is when I tell you that I love you and when I tell you that God loves you it means something different than when that boy who told you he loved you and then the next day slept with your best friend...that was and will never be love. We don't love you in the way you love your favorite television show or your favorite food. They are not words that I throw around lightly. They are words that keep me up at all hours of the night praying for you. They are words that when you walk through the front door after school and I can't wait to hear everything that happened to you during your day. They are words that make your tears my tears, and your laughter my laughter. These words make me fight for you, even when you have stopped fighting for yourself. These words compel me to show up and be there for the long haul...not for just this week but for the weeks and years to come. These words lead me to not give up on you, even when you have given up on you. These words mean something...you may not know it today but I pray that one day that you will know the truth that you are loved.
These girls make me excited and scared for what it will be like to have a teenage daughter...If I am this torn up about the girls in my life today I can not even fathom the depth of my prayers, tears, and love for Kadence as she continues to grow. I am blessed to be a praying momma. I would not trade these tears or the sleepless night for any of my "daughters".
God is working in a mighty way...will you join me in praying for our daughters in our community...
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Priorities LOST...or changed?
Somewhere (probably on imom) I read and article about priorities and how a woman's priorities should be * God and Family * Attitude and Homemaking *Menu Planning *Goals/Direction *Friends/Family *Hobbies/Me time. At first I wrestled with this a lot seeing that most of my life didn't fall into ANY of those categories. Then I started realizing that for most of my marriage if not all of my marriage these have not been my priorities (although I earnestly try for God and Family to stay a priority). I then started to get convicted about when did serving Jesus (my line of work) become my job? I can justify the hours and energy that it takes to put forth and create an organization because it's all serving Jesus but somewhere along the way it became my identity. Somewhere along the way I lost "Kylie" and I became "Pro Deo". It became everything I would eat, breathe, and sleep...and for YEARS (now). I wrestled with bouts of burn out, loneliness, anger, extreme satisfaction, bliss, etc. Enter into this equation a beautiful baby girl in February and everything I knew about my identity, priorities, and my life as a "Community Leader" changed. It has been the most humbling journey and one that I am still adapting to.
Kadence has forced us to spend more time at home, more time with our families, more time as Husband/Wife, she has restored my need for community (something I had pretty much given up on), and has changed my goals and direction for my life. I don't think I have figured out who "Kylie" is but I have learned how to not bring my work home with me (or at least I am getting better at it-lol), how to let phone calls go unanswered and e-mails not responded to the moment they come in. A lot of it is letting go of the control, not letting my work be my "god" and my identity. Not having to please the people on the other end of the phone or the e-mail. I have weeded out the countless meetings and have really worked at focusing on what's most important, of most value...and instead of being everywhere and at everything I find balance in being at a select few things. There is a pressure there as a start up non-profit to be everything to everyone and to be everywhere- to prove the need, to find the support, the volunteers, etc...I found myself talking to executive directors burning out because of this same mentality. I advocated for them and for their families and telling them they had to find balance (it was easier to say without a child). So here I am advocating that same thing for my family. Trying to find my identity in Jesus, my priorities, and my balance.
I can tell you that Kadence's mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus, she enhances my prayer life, and having her in my life ignites my passion for the teen girls in my life. The girls speak and I find my heart breaking for them and for Kadence...and for the world she will/is growing up in. My heart breaks for the lack of true friends, the lack of gentlemen to treat them with respect, the lack of Jesus in the schools, and the amount of disfunction they are immersed in daily and we call that "growing up".
I can tell you that raising a daughter has heightened my awareness of my own identity. Answering the questions of who do I want to be? What do I want her to learn about my daily routine, the things or activities that I make a priority? How will she learn to be a woman of virtue? How will she perceive my love and relationship with Jesus, my heart for others, and my love for being her mommy?
All of a sudden somewhere between last school year and this school year my identity has switched, my priorities have switched...it is no longer about running yourself into the ground for the sake of a cause or an organization. It is more about loving Jesus, serving his people, and living the kind of life that Kadence can see Jesus in from the time she is itty bitty and as she continues to grow. That she would grow to have a healthy self-image, a healthy love for Jesus and her community. All of a sudden the pace that we are running this race has drastically slowed down...but it's a good slow...an intentional slow...slow enough to learn in, reflect in, and take intentional steps forward. My priorities may not be all in place and I may never master the art of homemaking or menu planning but I will always love Jesus and will do my best taking every step with the intention of how am I teaching my daughter to love her King, herself, and others...
Oh, this mommy business is changing me from the inside out...and for the better...eternally grateful!
P.s. for those following the adoption process we still have not received a court date. Hoping for one before the holidays! Can't wait to be Kadence's forever mommy! Please keep praying for us!
Kadence has forced us to spend more time at home, more time with our families, more time as Husband/Wife, she has restored my need for community (something I had pretty much given up on), and has changed my goals and direction for my life. I don't think I have figured out who "Kylie" is but I have learned how to not bring my work home with me (or at least I am getting better at it-lol), how to let phone calls go unanswered and e-mails not responded to the moment they come in. A lot of it is letting go of the control, not letting my work be my "god" and my identity. Not having to please the people on the other end of the phone or the e-mail. I have weeded out the countless meetings and have really worked at focusing on what's most important, of most value...and instead of being everywhere and at everything I find balance in being at a select few things. There is a pressure there as a start up non-profit to be everything to everyone and to be everywhere- to prove the need, to find the support, the volunteers, etc...I found myself talking to executive directors burning out because of this same mentality. I advocated for them and for their families and telling them they had to find balance (it was easier to say without a child). So here I am advocating that same thing for my family. Trying to find my identity in Jesus, my priorities, and my balance.
I can tell you that Kadence's mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus, she enhances my prayer life, and having her in my life ignites my passion for the teen girls in my life. The girls speak and I find my heart breaking for them and for Kadence...and for the world she will/is growing up in. My heart breaks for the lack of true friends, the lack of gentlemen to treat them with respect, the lack of Jesus in the schools, and the amount of disfunction they are immersed in daily and we call that "growing up".
I can tell you that raising a daughter has heightened my awareness of my own identity. Answering the questions of who do I want to be? What do I want her to learn about my daily routine, the things or activities that I make a priority? How will she learn to be a woman of virtue? How will she perceive my love and relationship with Jesus, my heart for others, and my love for being her mommy?
All of a sudden somewhere between last school year and this school year my identity has switched, my priorities have switched...it is no longer about running yourself into the ground for the sake of a cause or an organization. It is more about loving Jesus, serving his people, and living the kind of life that Kadence can see Jesus in from the time she is itty bitty and as she continues to grow. That she would grow to have a healthy self-image, a healthy love for Jesus and her community. All of a sudden the pace that we are running this race has drastically slowed down...but it's a good slow...an intentional slow...slow enough to learn in, reflect in, and take intentional steps forward. My priorities may not be all in place and I may never master the art of homemaking or menu planning but I will always love Jesus and will do my best taking every step with the intention of how am I teaching my daughter to love her King, herself, and others...
Oh, this mommy business is changing me from the inside out...and for the better...eternally grateful!
P.s. for those following the adoption process we still have not received a court date. Hoping for one before the holidays! Can't wait to be Kadence's forever mommy! Please keep praying for us!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)