This mom in 2014!

2014 is gearing up to be quite an eventful year personally, professionally, and in my family. Not only will I have a 1 year old, a husband that will be working midnights, a work life that could change drastically in the course of a year, turning 30, and friends all over the place popping out new babies...2014 has the potential to be a whirlwind. Every year at this time I spend a lot of time reflecting on the past year and where I am going in the next.  I don't make resolutions per-say as much as I am hyper aware of where I have been and my intentions of where I would like to go. Being a mom this year I find more of my reflecting is more along the lines of the type of mom I want to be. What themes or rhythms do I want Kadence to pick up on as far as what is important in our family life. So I made a list of 10 words that are my "priorities for this year" or words I will meditate on and see how my life crashes in with them. Here's some of my reflecting thus far:

1. God-  I would like to say that serving God, seeking God, and leaning into God is a priority every year. Although I feel that this is true the depth of seeking God is so much more intimate now that I am a mom. Not only do I have my own spiritual walk with Jesus, I now have been charged with teaching a small human about the love of Jesus. So I wrestle with how to make Jesus come alive to a 1year old. Is it possible to convey God's love, mercy, and grace to a 1 year old? Is it possible to make God's word come alive in away that she can comprehend even on the basic levels? Even now in her little life is she figuring out that mommy and daddy love Jesus? Is she picking up that prayer, scripture, and serving others are foundations in our family? Are we living our life in such a way that they are? 

2. Family- Having a husband that works midnights, a mommy that works 9-5 and then some, and a 1 year old not in daycare can lead to some fun challenges when it comes to family time. Just the calendar alone laughs at me when I put our schedules together. Yet in the midst of our calendars, we find time for date nights and family nights in. We find ways to manipulate time out of our day so that our little family unit of 4 (Jada is always apart of our mix) can continue to stay close. 2014 will bring its challenges and satan will try to destroy our intentions. Kadence is not as quiet as she once was which leads to challenges when Andy tries to sleep. We will have to continue to insist on boundaries, ignoring phone calls and texts when needed, and continue to work on our communication but we are determined that our family is and will continue to be a priority in 2014. We will also be praying about when to grow our family again. I also feel that marriage will be a focal point in 2014, ours and others. Ever since getting married I have been passionate about marriages. Not just marriage but beautiful marriages, marriages that thrive, that are fun, and ones that have God at the center of them. I will make this a priority in my own home but I will also be praying for ways that in our church and in our community that marriages can be a priority. 

3. Friendship- I specifically am talking about mommy friends and church friends. I lack at both of them. I am starting to wonder if the problem is with me (I will accept this if true). I need friends at church that actually want to be more than "lobby" friends. I need friends that know the highs and lows in my life and I want to know that in theirs. I want them to ask the hard questions about how my soul is and sit long enough to know when I am giving them the "easy" answer. I want friends I can craft with, drink coffee with, and talk about how God is crashing into our lives together. I want mommy friends that you can go to the park with, celebrate milestones with, and gets excited about all my sensory activities I like to do. I want friends that don't see "Pro Deo Kylie" but can just see me as a girl that struggles to be the woman, wife, and child of God that Jesus has made her on a daily basis. I secretly miss Holly and Rebecca and try not to hold new friends up to that "standard", I am mourning that they are not in my everyday life and any deep friendship I have will need to embrace this. I don't need you to replace them but I need you to know that my heart aches for them to be with me. I also need friends that are persistent, I have for so long not made friendship be a priority that I kind of have forgotten how to be a friend or have friends so please extend grace and don't give up on me. 

4. Health- This is not about weight, working out, or anything of the such. It's more about living a life of balance and one that my own health is important to me. Sometimes when you are so busy taking care of others your own health (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) takes a back burner to the needs of others. Here's to being healthy because it is the right thing to do, because I want to live a long life with my little girl, and because I don't want to crop myself out of every picture that is ever taken of my family (lol) not because there is a cute bathing suit, a fancy vacation, or a wedding that I need to give it my all for. My family is enough...

5. Self-care, healing, discipline, slowness, intentional, and simple...these are all words that go against the way I find myself living my life at times. These words challenge me, humble me, and give me plenty to wrestle with. In 2014 I will continue to wrestle with these words. I will continue to find my path...one that seeks Jesus and being a mom and then lets everything else fall where they may. I know that 2014 has the potential to be the year that when we get to next December we find ourselves saying where did this year go? Today I am vowing to be intentional, seek discipline in all aspects of my life, and embrace the simple pleasures that are my beautiful journey I call my life.

Here's to 2014! 

A different kind of Christmas for me...

I won't bore you with all of my family baggage (mainly because I have already shared most of it ;)) But most people know that I have not been a Christmas girl for a very long time. My first year of marriage where you should be focussing on forming new family traditions with your husband I was busy burying my father after his battle with Cancer. The next year we buried Grandpa, the next 2 were taking care of teenagers in crisis...all leading up to last year where Advent in our life was spent anticipating our child, preparing a home for her, picking out a name for her, and spending lots of time in prayer for her. In all of those years there was grief, fear, anticipation, pain, wrestling with the realities of the world. Even last year when we were so blessed beyond belief, I couldn't help but let the fear seep in. Christmas for so many years has been dark, gloomy, and the fake-est of smiles I could put on.

As tomorrow we are marking the 5 year anniversary of my grandfathers passing, I can't help but notice this Advent is COMPLETELY different. I miss my grandfather like crazy and wish that Kadence would have gotten the opportunity to meet him (in my Childlike concept of heaven and Jesus I am confident they did meet) . But, this year is all smiles for this girl. All smiles, joy, a heart FULL of praise (I seriously sit in worship and I feel like my heart is going to split at the seams because I am so thankful for the storms that we have walked through and the sweet beauty in our life now). For me this year for Advent, I kind of went crazy but honestly it wasn't out of my need to be a "pinterest mom" or "Martha Stewart" on my home and family it was out of a mere child's heart (my own) taking all the joy that I haven't had in 6 years and releasing it all this year. I find myself singing holiday hymns as I go through the aisles at the grocery store, I find myself wanting to buy gifts for people just because, I find myself sitting on the couch with the whole house asleep and I am staring at the lights on the christmas tree in awe of it's beauty.
Being in awe of the Christmas tree is not something new for me but I think it's neat that this year, this new beginning for our family just also happens to be the year that when we went to put our Christmas tree up this year it was not the same one from last year, someone had replaced it. It's also the same year that Andy and I switched out some of our bulbs on our tree not for any significance but just to change it up. But, now as I am sitting here starring at the tree and once again in awe of its beauty I am loving how God is blessing me in the little things. This Christmas we started over, I haven't forgotten my pain or grief, but this year the tree that I had stared at for many years while I cried out to God in pain and sadness is not there. What's there now is another tree, a little fuller, with more sparkle, and a little brighter and I can't help but feel the same way. We got a new tree for our new Advent.

So this year with me changing and healing, I will admit that as much as Kadence is participating in Advent it is more about me than her when it comes to Advent. It is good for ME to slow down during this season. It is good for ME to be generous and take care of others. It is good for ME to make family time special. It is good for ME to be at home more, making a conscious effort everyday to have some sort of family activity and really focusing on engaging with Kadence. I am learning so much about me, my walk with God, me as a mom, and healing through this Advent season.  I know that Kadence is not running into the nursery on Sunday morning telling all the other kids, "Wow, we are celebrating advent this year and last night I got to play in red and green spaghetti... thank goodness because now I have such a better handle on that whole Christmas story" but I do think she is witnessing and taking part in the magic of Christmas, the silliness that has been unleashed just for pure joy of the season, the warmth that is filling our home, and she is building holiday traditions (not that when she is 15will we put her in the tub, pour red and green spaghetti on her, and take pictures- but you get my point-lol).

Heres to letting God heal, believing that the pain is not the END of the journey, that I am not defined by my grief but set free to experience Christmas in a whole new way...through the joy of a child as we enjoy Christmas together this year as a family :)

Grateful for the things I didn't know were missing...

A year ago today, I don't remember what I was doing. I don't remember if Andy had off, I don't remember if I was busy...It was just an ordinary Monday night. I went to bed, just like I will do tonight, not knowing tomorrow my world would be any different. A year ago tomorrow is when I got the phone call about Kadence and got to meet our birth mom for the very first time. A year has passed since that day and I have never experienced as much joy, laughter, and just contentment as I have these past 12 months. As we celebrated our finalization in the court room this past Friday I have been doing some reflecting on this journey, on my life as a mom, and on parenting. If you would have told me a year ago all the things I was missing by not being a mommy, I would have believed you and my heart would have ached to experience those things but the things I was excited about and longed for are in no way the things that I love most these days. So I have made a list, unique to us and our parenting of Miss K in this stage she is in. I titled this list the things I didn't know were missing...
1. The art of wrangling a 9 month old into her sleeper (I really think wrestling a greased pig might be easier)
2. Giving a bath to K and getting just as soaked as she splashed about with glee
3. Doing the dishes and feeling little hands pulling up on your legs because she wants to stand next to you
4. Watching her awe as she discovers new sounds, voices, textures, and effects of things she does
5. how much just seeing herself in the mirror would bring the both of us delight and laughter
6. Sitting under the heated blanket in the morning as we do our morning feed with no one else around or awake and no noise...just mommy and Kadence cuddled up and taking each other in
7. How much excitement a pile of books can bring Miss K, she could sit all day with a pile of books and I love to read to her, listen to Andy read to her (that is truly the best), or listen to her talk as she tries reading them to herself
8. I love how she responds to Abby Cadabby from sesame street and yet she had never seen sesame street before but when Abby comes on TV or she sees something with Abby in a store she instantly starts squealing with delight
9. I love that at night I put Kadence to bed with her bear on the heart beat setting and her G-Pass (her giraffe pacifier) and then when I wake up in the morning she is holding her bear but it is now on the music setting and she is sucking on her G-Pass. Earlier this week I walked in on this but she was rocking her bear, with the music on, while sucking on her G-Pass
10. I love it when she cries, because her tears pierce my heart and I am reminded every time one of her tears fall the depth of my love for her
11. I love her adventure side and that she is always wanting to try something new (and usually a little scary to mommy) and that she has a knack for finding the smallest, tiniest, piece of anything anywhere and pick it up and that makes her feel so accomplished
12. I love to watch her clap
13. I even love the separation anxiety that has kicked in this week...it makes everything take even longer than it already did but cuddling that girl rocks my world
14. Her open mouthed kisses that are just a bit more slobbery than the average persons
15. Watching her and Andy play together and watching her giggle or squeal when he even walks in the door from work
16. Taking care of a sick baby and all the emotions that come with not being able to make her better

I also love how such a tiny little girl can seem like she understands so much of the world that is going on around her. On friday, while we were sitting at the table in the court room Kadence was disinterested in our lawyer and the things he was talking about. She would rather have been beating on the table or attacking some toy I had recovered from the diaper bag. But there were two times (at least) that melted my heart on Friday and made me question what all she was taking in for the day. The first was when the lawyer was asking me my questions...he asked a series of questions and through all of the questions Kadence was just minding her own business and I was answering yes to his questions. Then he asked, Are you here today before the courts desiring to be Kadence's mommy forever? At that moment Kadence stopped what she was doing and looked me right in the eyes and as I looked back at her I replied absolutely as I choked backed my tears. Then at the conclusion of the court the judge is rattling off everything she has to say (which is a lot) and then she says on this date, at this time I officially declare the adoption and then said Kadence's whole name with her new last name official and Kadence's started clapping...it's the little things like this that make my heart ponder how much does that little soul pick up on...if she picked up on nothing or all of it, it's a day for the books!

Sigh...My life is blessed, my family and I have so much to be thankful for this year. We do not take lightly the blessings that God has bestowed upon us this year. This little girl has my heart, my soul, my everything...I knew I wanted to be a mommy, I knew I would love being a mommy...I did not know however that these were the things that were missing from my life and that they would be the things I love most about my day to day life these days.

Happy Thanksgiving from our grateful family of 4! (Andy, Momma Bear, K, and Jada)

Miracle week...

Do you ever have those weeks where you are just like...THAT was ordained by God? This week in the  world of babies God was faithful!

Monday, one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Most babies being born are beautiful but this baby is a miracle! Her mommy, much like me was diagnosed with PCOS. Her mommy, much like me had trouble conceiving but through the help of fertility stuff they were able to conceive two boys earlier in their marriage. My friend still longed for a baby girl but had decided that 2 boys and they were probably done. Soon after making the decision that THEY were done, God was not! She conceived a baby with no doctors, no fertility, and no planning.  She had decided in her head that it was a boy (since history would lead you to believe that). I remember the 4th of july week when she went to have her gender reveal ultrasound and when it came through that it was a girl, I went CRAZY! God had answered the longings of her heart! God had heard the desires of her heart, and created a miracle in such a way that this baby girl would never be able to deny that SHE is indeed a gift from God, a mommy's answered prayers...God showing off with the impossible...and we as his people are left in awe of His timing and his glory!

Flash forward to Wednesday and another set of our dear friends went to the hospital to witness the induction of their first baby being born through adoption. Come Thursday morning, there was beautiful baby boy born into this world. This mommy is very near to my heart because we walked through the pain of infertility, of painful baby showers, of wrestling with God through it all. She is bigger than me, because she was so supportive when we had Kadence...I am pretty sure if it would have been the other way around I would have thrown a two year old's temper tantrum (I pray that would not really have been true, but I think it might have been). They have been on the whirlwind of adoption and although so many things in our story are similar (down to the same lawyers, social workers, etc) there is so much in our story that is different. But I am so grateful for a sisterhood that brings us together, someone else that can walk through the beauty of a private adoption. Someone who knows the emotions of watching someone be in labor on your behalf. Someone who knows the anxiety of the 48hours after birth while you wait in expectance of the paperwork to be filled out. God brings us together and these babies together to watch his beautiful story unfold!

Then today, God brings finalization to our adoption process...it's crazy to think that this time last year I was just finding out that Kadence and that she had been conceived...and today we walk into the court with our families and a couple dear friends and stand before a judge.

I started this blog initially for my own processing. Without intending to the blog turned out to be ministering to others (people starting the adoption process, people who had lost babies, people who just needed to know that God was at work). So, my thoughts for today is that if you are where I was a year ago (a very dark place) and so broken, so burnt out...thinking God has forgotten you, that God is answering every prayer except for yours...if you have given up all hope...I tell you that God is still working...please don't give up on Him! Three mommies all this week experiencing God's gratefulness and goodness and breathing in our sweet miracles after long hard journeys and prayers that seemed like they were hitting the ceiling. I now look back and sometimes chuckle with God and apologizing for how mean and harsh I was to him out of my anger. I tell you now a year later that miracles happen, healing takes place, He answers prayers, and he restores lives and hearts that are broken.

Off to go get ready for court!

Dear Kadence,

I know that you are too little to read this and you may even be too small to really get the significance of this week. You may just walk away this week thinking...wow my mommy sure has hugged me more than usual (and that's a lot) and wow mom and daddy are shedding lots of tears and everyone seems to be crying but happy...and this might confuse you greatly because you have yet figured out the beauty of  shedding tears out of joy, shedding tears because you are overwhelmed by God's greatness and faithfulness. As your mommy I pray that you will get to experience these tears at some point in your journey because these tears are priceless. These tears are healing. These tears teach me as your mommy that God has not forgotten us, that He is still making and creating miracles, that He heard me many a days and nights as I cried out for you because I longed to be your mommy. The tears I shed are tears of exhaustion as this journey has been long and to see the end yet the beginning of a new journey is beautiful, they are tears of a weight being lifted because I have been so scared of what my life would look life if you weren't in it. These tears speak more than I could ever properly articulate. I hope that one day when you are reading this and looking at pictures from this week you can see our overwhelming love for you and how much you being in our life completes us and makes us better as a mommy and daddy and as husband and wife and how your mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus. This journey to you and through the last nine months is not a journey I would trade for the world! This week is everything we have been working towards for the last nine months. See for you, my little sunshine, this week is where daddy and I are switched from being "temporary guardians" to you "official" parents. This is something that in our hearts took place the moment we saw you on the sonogram for the first time, when we heard your heart beat for the first time, and then again in that hospital room when all the lights were off but one and you rested on my chest and I was in too much awe to even produce tears. From that first moment there were no papers that I needed signed that would make me "more" your mom. But for all legal purposes the "system" will now recognize you as our child and us as your parents...so for better or worse you are ours. A lot of people when trying to conceive a child and can't, look at Adoption as the back up plan. But for us adoption was never the back up plan, we had prayed for a child and were confident God was orchestrating that plan. Now, don't get me wrong I think pregnancy is beautiful and your birth mom was gorgeous with you in her belly...but I love OUR story. I love that God brought two families together that love you so much! I love that God knew the exact timing we would get you, when your court date would be, and everything in between. I think it's beautiful that our court date is 9 months from when you were born just like in pregnancy...for 9 months I have gotten to carry you, feed you, care for you, be up at night when you couldn't sleep but I get the rare privilege of knowing your heart and seeing your smile and knowing what my heart does when it is around yours. There is no doubt about it from the moment you were conceived God was lining up our stories for you to be my daughter and me to be your mommy. The amount of joy, purpose, love, awe, and beauty you have brought to the last nine months of my life is indescribable. You are loved more than your nine month brain or heart can comprehend! You are surrounded by a mommy and daddy that would go to the ends of the earth for you. You have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that when you are around their world is a better place. You have teens in your life that you are modeling for them what it means to have a healthy relationship with a parent and what unconditional love looks like. You, just by your smile alone, are bringing joy to their day and some needed just that to make it through their day. You are surrounded by a church community that loves you, stalks you on facebook, and longs for the days that they get the opportunity to serve you, serve with you, and to tell you about Jesus. You have God parents on opposite sides of the world, that don't get to hold you on a daily basis but they are living their life for Jesus and loving you by their prayers for you and for your walk with Jesus. You are loved by a whole community of people here and around the world that pray for you, that know you are an answered prayer and that you have been put in this story for such a time as this. You are loved by your birth family that as much as this week is a journey for us, we would not be where we are today without them. We thank them daily for trusting us with loving you for the rest of your life! So Miss K, this week might be a whirlwind for you but never forget that God is at work, that mommy and daddy love you and we commit to you today (and Friday in front of a judge) that everyday from here until eternity we are committed to being your mommy and daddy and everything that entails! Here's to the many days, weeks, and years of love, encouragement, fun times, hard times, tears, and everything in between that our life will entail!
Loving you forever and ever and then even more, Mommy

He knows better...

Kadence is growing leaps and bounds! She is full of life and fully aware that she can move and do somethings on her own. With this awareness has come a discontentedness when she CAN'T be mobile or when she can't get something to work, move, or operate in a way she thinks it should. She also has decided that going down for a nap is not nearly as exciting as it is to play. I as her mother can see the full day ahead and I see when she needs to rest so that she can play later. I see that she need to eat now so she's not hungry later. I move her from her path to protect her from dangers she can not see constantly while she is on the move. Some of my assistance comes very welcomed by her and she is full of smiles and ready for what I have planned. Other interruptions or assistance I offer her is not welcomed change and she likes to vocalize when this is the case.
This morning I was putting Kadence down for a nap before church and I knew that she was not going to be happy with this decision but knew that if she slept before church she would have more fun playing at church. And sure enough as I put her down the tears came and not even the pacifier could console her outrage that this was the course I had chosen for her and I was not budging. At one point I was thinking if she could only see what I can see. If she could only see that this is really in her best interest, that I am putting her down for a nap to set her up for success and because I know more about how her little body operates and what she needs more than she does...and then I stopped...as much as I was having this discussion in my head about how much easier this nap would be if Kadence would just trust me...it hit me...

I act towards God just the way Kadence acts towards me. I think many times I have my life figured out and what my desires are and the course my life should be on and then anytime God picks me up and changes my course, or slows me down because I need rest, or shows up in the countless other ways that He does...I find myself often responding in the way Kadence does: Happy when I agree with His decision and tears/outrage when I don't.

I was thinking this the other day when I was talking to a friend about her pregnancy journey. I find myself in this time of my life that every person I know (friend, acquaintance, or random stranger at the grocery store) is pregnant. Most of my close friends are pregnant and I truth be told could not be happier. I was texting a friend that we had just received the news they were expecting and she replied Oh, Kylie I have prayed that this would not be painful for you. In response (I know she couldn't tell if it was true-but it very much was) I said I was content in my journey and that God had healed those very deep wounds. Countless days I prayed to God to be pregnant, many tears and outrage over the fact that it wasn't and couldn't happen. There were days when I wanted to throw a temper-tantrum (ones I hear are coming in my walk with Kadence but I have not witnessed yet). There were days when I wanted to tell Him to trust ME I knew what was best for ME! But he was silent and ever so gently moving me around on my journey...growing me, changing me, molding me, loving me and knowing what I needed and when I needed it and how I needed it. He knew my hearts desire was to be a mom and He never desired to NOT give me my hearts desire (something that took me a long time to realize). He never was sitting up on some huge cloud and in the deepest creepiest laugh did He ever say bahahahaha look at that pain you are experiencing because you want this so bad and have no desire to wait on my timing baahahahahah go ahead and cry you little girl! He never was "holding out" on me! But just in HIS right timing, with HIS perfect ways...HE knew what I needed. HE knew when I was ready, when my marriage was ready, when my walk with Him was ready, He knew when the healing had reached a point where I could be an effective and loving mom. He knew all the intricate details that needed to take place and be a part of the story so that at no point in this journey could I ever take pride in knowing that I did this. In no part of my journey can I give myself glory or credit. It ALL goes to Him.

I now on the other side of this journey have much the realization that Kadence will have when we go to grandma's today. He did what He did and I walked through what I did out of Love He had for me. Kadence is napping right now because of my love I have for her and knowing that sleep is what she needs most to have the best day for her she can have. Just like God knew that I needed to walk through the things I did and when I did to be the best mom, wife, and follower of Him I could be.

These things we do are out of love and I don't think I realized how parallel my relationship with Kadence is much life my own relationship with God and I am constantly learning things from both of them that mold me into a better human.

I know that Kadence's journey with a nap verses play time seems a silly comparison to my journey through infertility, pregnancy, and adoption but in each of our lives for that period of our life it was a big deal :)

Feeling blessed to watch God unfolding His plan in my life and I am raking in the blessings as I wait on Him. Feeling blessed to have healing in wounds that I never thought would get healed. Feeling the peace and rest on the other side of the mountain after the long walk up the mountain, the wrestling and temper-tantrums that unfolded and the years and years of unanswered prayers all unfolding in this season of my life, with unimaginable healing, for such a time as this. I breathe in, breathe out and acknowledge in my life, He knows better!

Christmas in October?

If anyone knows me and knows my story they know that I HATE CHRISTMAS! About October my anxiety goes through the roof and I start freaking out about Christmas. The closer it gets the more emotions, paranoia, and crazy I become...

On Dec 23, 2007 a mere 6 months after my dad walked me down the aisle my dad passed away and lost his battle with cancer. I don't like to talk about it much, it's grief and it is hard. This will be year six and although it might seem easier the pain is still very much there, I would do anything in the world to get another Christmas with my dad! Fast forward to the next year and it was about this time of year that my grandfather got sick, was admitted into the hospital, and seven weeks later also passed away. Grandpa passed away on December 9th, 2008. Two years of despair, grief, anger, doubt, questions...I was mad at God and confident that no good would come of Christmas anymore. The next year I sat on pins and needles awaiting for the call that someone I loved was dying. I worried everyday Andy went to work, fearing it would be his last. I was confident God was out to take everyone and everything away from me that I loved. My dad and my grandpa were so important to me and I wasn't sure how to go on. That next Christmas started my "Pro Deo christmas gifts from Jesus" as I fondly call them because for the next three years I was blessed with teenagers that needed homes during the holidays so I got the chance to push my grief under the rug while I took care of people that needed my attention and took the attention away from all the pain of Christmas...but every year it found its way back in and I felt like the plauge of Christmas would never leave. I hated singing Joy to the world, I hated being with family and friends, I hated everything that Christmas was and all the excitement that led up to it. I cried all the weeks of advent for all those years in pain, all that anger, and the feeling that life was not fair...

Then there was last year at Christmas and right before Advent we got that call about Kadence (although we didn't name her till the week of love in advent) and every week I found myself crying through church as we prepared at church to welcome a gift and at home we were doing the exact same thing. I was use to crying in church during Advent, I was not use to experiencing God's healing as advent continued to unfold. While there was the preparation of baby Jesus at church we were working like elves at our home trying to transform our home from a youth center to a loving home for a baby girl...a transformation that was NOT a small undertaking! From the paint and primer to the hopes and dreams of what was to come and all of the paper work, lots and lots of paper work...somewhere between the passages of scripture, the quietness of the christmas lights, the tastiness of christmas treats, and the countless tears that ran down my face through worship, at starbucks, and at any other random place they decided to fall something miraculous happened...Jesus healed my wounds, he healed the pain of Christmas, He healed the fear of the loving others, He healed the anger of people I love being ripped away from me, He took this grinch and turned my heart into a girl that tonight just watched a tv show on netflix that was during Christmas and got goose bumps when there were Christmas Carolers and I smiled. This year I have found myself over looking fall (although it has been really fun too) and focused on Advent which starts a week after court finalization in our home. I know Kadence is too little for most of the activities that we will do and won't remember most of or even all of what we do but this year we celebrate Christmas out of healing, out of celebrating where we have come from...not running from the pain or grief but embracing they journey that led us to celebration. We embrace that Jesus was not finished with our story...He loved me enough to sit with me in my pain, take all of my anger and love me still. He loved me enough to send me a gift, of a child at the perfect time, in a perfect season and he would use that little girl to bless me and bless my family. He would use that little girl to heal some very deep wounds, to answer some of my biggest doubts, and to show off how intricate and lavish his plans were for me and my family.

This year I find myself in October wanting to start making crafts for December. I find myself wanting to tell Kadence all about Christmas and the things that she will get to experience. I find myself telling her about the love that her grandpa and great grandpa had for her before even knowing her. I find myself telling her about this amazing God that we have, that knows me and knows my story and knows her and knows her story and knew that we needed each other for such a time as this. I find myself breathing as October is in full swing...not with anxiety...but with a breath of fresh crisp air...God is a healing God and He is not done.

It would have been easy to give up on God when I was in the midst of my grief, anger, and bitterness...it would have been easy to walk away and not look back. It would have been easy to turn to alcohol, drugs, or whatever coping mechanism I could find...but I didn't...I kept pushing forward- seeking Him and being honest with my emotions (as fun as that was) and my struggle and somewhere between that very VERY dark place and the excitement I am living in this year I have found God's goodness. I have found the truth in the Ephesians verse about God doing more than we could ask or imagine and completing the good work He has started in me. I in no way, shape, or form think that God is done with me and my journey with Christmas...I am just grateful that on October 7th of 2013 I can be thankful, embrace God's grace, love and look forward to the month of December.