I am sure this is only one of the many many many times in this journey that this word will come to mind.
Frustrated...
Monday started off as a roller coaster...We said yes to a foster placement! We went from no we will not be taking a placement, to Andy and I looking at each other in only the way we can smirk at each other and Andy saying I know this is a foster placement but what if they never leave and right then there was this crazy excitement and nervousness and more excitement...The woman on the phone said we will have the case worker call you and arrange everything and we hang up. The next few hours are spent with me walking through the day getting things done but in the back of my head thinking about how that night I would be doing bedtime with 3 kiddos under 3 and by myself and something about it made me giddy...I found myself smiling throughout the day as I thought about how difficult the next days, months would be but I was still excited still at peace with it. This all happened at 9am that morning and by 4:30 I still had not heard from the case worker...I don't know if this is normal cause clearly this was our first time saying yes but at 4:30 I walk in the door and Andy says the caseworker called and they placed them with someone else. I feel devastated and like I have been punched in the gut. I was so excited- I had literally just told Kadence not even 3 minutes before and she was excited...and nothing. Our first experience of saying yes and already heartache...is this the road ahead just heartache? Am I even capable of fostering? I hadn't even met them and my heart was sad- how much greater the sorrow once I have met them? Can I do it? All this doubt...
Frustrated...
Then there was my normal stalking on adoption waiting child websites later on in this week (a normal lunch break hobby for me) and I notice that this sibling set we have been watching and praying about and even submitted our home study saying we were willing...got adopted out but they split the sibling set up...someone adopted the little ones but not the older siblings and it left my heart hurting again. I had their rooms configured, had read everything on large families and had been praying about how our family would work with all of them and wrestled with it a lot...Andy and I both ready to move forward for all of them and then they go and split them up? REALLY? I pray about a lot of kiddos on the waiting child list but I have now mourned 3 sibling sets that have gotten adopted off the list (I get that this is a good thing) but these were all groups that I could close my eyes and see our everyday life with and my heart was ready to meet them in their trauma and stand up in front of a judge and say we are in this for better and worse for now until eternity. But all three groups someone else gets to be their mommy and daddy. I actually prayed for their mommies and daddies and that they would not take their vows lightly and that those kiddos would know for the rest of their lives that they were sought out and wanted. I can only assume this is truth and I am grateful for them having forever homes yet I can't get over this uncomfortable wrestling that is going on in me.
Frustrated...
Every road block we hit or any day when I am reminded about the brokenness of this system I become more and more passionate about adoption. The more I am knee deep in this the more and more passionate I become. Even in this heartache I know that God is working. I know that God is weaving our story with the rest of our family that is to be determined. That God has just the right kiddos, just the right time, and just the right story waiting for us but gosh darn it I am having a hard time in this wait.
Yesterday in chatting with Jesus I kind of half laughed at Him and said will my life ever not have the theme song of "While I'm waiting" Will that ever be a song that brings me joy and not weeping?
Andy and I were chatting and he said we should totally be documenting all of the steps up to our kiddos so that when they are in their teenage years they know how much we longed for them. It made me kind of want to throw a fit because at this point I can't tell when their story starts. I started documenting steps last July when the two boys we wanted then were 4 and 6. Then I started documenting steps when we had our eyes on these other sibling sets and those were no's too...this reminds me all too much about when I was in college and I was documenting mine and Andy's story (creepily with him having no idea that I was doing it). Ironically that notebook was titled while I'm waiting. Well one day I got incredibly frustrated and was confident our story was going no where real quick. I was confident this "crush" I had was nothing more then that and through tears I ripped that journal to shreds and x'd through all of the pages I had written in. I remember my roommate coming in and she was shocked and asked what happened and I told her I was tired of waiting. And even in that moment of extreme frustration and vulnerability I knew that God was in control (even though I wanted control) and 11 years later I am so glad God kept writing the story evenwhen I got too frustrated for the journey and just wanted to throw a temper tantrum and rip up our story. So here I am frustrated and wanting to throw a fit and yet I know God is in control and I don't say that lightly. I know that God is writing this story even when I can't see anything thing but the brokenness and our longings.
Longing for these children that were no's has not been in vain. Our first sibling set we wanted had me all up in the state of Missouri trying to figure out how to become licensed foster parents. They were our first set of hearing their trauma and desiring to move forward. They were the first kiddos that we told our family and friends about and it started to be real that we would all be walking in this journey together. Then there was the sibling set of 4. It was then that I knew I could love me some parenting of little boys. I saw them and their orneriness and I got excited. It was them that made me start thinking could we be parents to 5 kiddos? Then once they got adopted there was a sibling set of 6 (a 7th to be added later) and I knew in my head it didn't make sense but I watched from afar. Over time I shared my heart for these kiddos with Andy and he said no. I thought that was smart. I mean who in their right mind goes from a toddler to 8 kids under 8. But my heart still daydreamed of them. Then there we were one day and Andy says... I think we should put our home study in for the sibling set of 6. What? I about fell off my chair. I remember specifically us pretty much shaking on the fact that 4 was going to be our max and here we were starting to look into 15 passenger vans and excited about it. That sibling set brought up awesome conversations between Andy and I and I am better because of them...each of these groups of kiddos has made my prayer life stronger, my family stronger, my marriage stronger and has given us something to fight for and look forward to what feels like a never ending journey.
So even in the frustration, brokenness, and waiting I can see God moving...
"Im waiting, Im waiting on you Lord. I am hopeful. Though it is painful I am waiting...I am taking every step in obedience...while I am waiting I will serve you and worship you...I will run this race even while I wait"
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
I am ruined...
Have you ever gotten to a point where you know you are ruined? Not in the way that pants get ruined by grass stains and you can't wear them any more but ruined in the way that missionaries come back from third world countries and function in America? That's me and I have not been in any third world countries.
The last time I remember feeling this kind of ruined was 6 years ago when we started Pro Deo. How could people turn their backs on teenagers? How could a city not be broken for their teenagers? I was ruined but in the best ways. What God created then was a woman who will never have the newest trends in clothes, won't have the fancy things in life, won't move up the career ladder but I will meet teens where they are. I will love them from close and I will love them from afar. How I am blessed that God has provided staff to let me continue to have a passion but to allow others in the trenches. My role is to now lead the hart of an organization. I may not be the person giving the hug and having coffee with the girl whose life is falling apart at the seam but my job is to make sure that someone is. Its my job to support the staff that is loving them in the trenches and praying for them staff and student alike. It's a beautiful spot that God has put me in.
So fastforward to now- I find myself ruined yet again. This one, like the last, caught me off guard. The beginning of January, Andy and I started foster classes with the intent to adopt. We want to adopt a sibling....because of lots of things we decided the route of foster care and found ourselves in these classes as a prerequisite to adopt. So, I literally just got off the phone with our case worker and we will sign our home study today...TODAY...everything we have worked for since July when this started to be an actual possibility. What I didn't know was how this would ruin me. What started off as a thought of adopting a sibling for K-pickle has turned into this word called "sibling sets". Daily I am in a group that sends out needs of kids to be fostered or adopted...THERE ARE SO MANY. A statistic that I was told during my training was that 1,200 kids just in my county are in care daily...UGH how do you sleep when you have that number? Then you throw in websites like adoptuskids that says there are currently 108,000 kids waiting to be adopted in the US from the foster care system. 108,000. Then you watch a movie like Camp (on netflix) and your world is rocked. It does NOT sit well with me to think and process through kiddos needing bedtime stories, routines, structure, love, unconditional love at that...that these kiddos most likely have never had a birthday party, no celebrating of advent, or family easter egg hunts. They don't necessarily have someone that is praying on their behalf, that is advocating for them, and who is loving them with everything in them...I am ruined...I find myself sitting on the adoption websites and praying through profiles, praying for kids I have never met and will most likely never meet. I find myself longing to give them all hugs. I find myself getting disgusted with space I have in my house that is not serving a purpose. I find myself unable to fall asleep at night without praying for my "favorites" on the sites. I find myself rearranging bedroom configurations to see just how many children could fit in our home. It's dangerous when you start praying not my will but your will be done God. It's dangerous when you start praying God use me. It's dangerous when you know that you can't single handily change the foster care system in the US. But I know that my home and my heart has some serious room to be used and for those kiddos that God allows in my home I will fight for, pray for, educate, love, and seek wisdom for. I can't take the 108,000 but I know that God is doing something and I know that God is preparing me and ruining me in the best of ways. I may become really uncomfortable to be around in the coming months because I have some big passions and big dreams and that (from what I can tell) makes people uncomfortable.
I have learned through my journey with my marriage, Pro Deo, and through our adoption with K-pickle that God hears me loud and clear when I pray and that He moves mountains and makes things that I foresee impossible possible. So here I am with my faith of a mustard seed and ruined for the sake of the countless children in our country that are questioning if they will ever have a home to call forever. I am ruined for the children that will go to bed in my own community (and the rest of the country) not knowing that God loves them. I am ruined in the best way because I am a woman that is fiercely passionate for my family, for my community, and for the forgotten...May God use me, Andy, Halena, K-pickle and the rest of our family and community to love unconditionally and serve those that God brings to us and may He make us brave on this journey...
Being ruined is hard but it is such a sweet beautiful spot to be in...
The last time I remember feeling this kind of ruined was 6 years ago when we started Pro Deo. How could people turn their backs on teenagers? How could a city not be broken for their teenagers? I was ruined but in the best ways. What God created then was a woman who will never have the newest trends in clothes, won't have the fancy things in life, won't move up the career ladder but I will meet teens where they are. I will love them from close and I will love them from afar. How I am blessed that God has provided staff to let me continue to have a passion but to allow others in the trenches. My role is to now lead the hart of an organization. I may not be the person giving the hug and having coffee with the girl whose life is falling apart at the seam but my job is to make sure that someone is. Its my job to support the staff that is loving them in the trenches and praying for them staff and student alike. It's a beautiful spot that God has put me in.
So fastforward to now- I find myself ruined yet again. This one, like the last, caught me off guard. The beginning of January, Andy and I started foster classes with the intent to adopt. We want to adopt a sibling....because of lots of things we decided the route of foster care and found ourselves in these classes as a prerequisite to adopt. So, I literally just got off the phone with our case worker and we will sign our home study today...TODAY...everything we have worked for since July when this started to be an actual possibility. What I didn't know was how this would ruin me. What started off as a thought of adopting a sibling for K-pickle has turned into this word called "sibling sets". Daily I am in a group that sends out needs of kids to be fostered or adopted...THERE ARE SO MANY. A statistic that I was told during my training was that 1,200 kids just in my county are in care daily...UGH how do you sleep when you have that number? Then you throw in websites like adoptuskids that says there are currently 108,000 kids waiting to be adopted in the US from the foster care system. 108,000. Then you watch a movie like Camp (on netflix) and your world is rocked. It does NOT sit well with me to think and process through kiddos needing bedtime stories, routines, structure, love, unconditional love at that...that these kiddos most likely have never had a birthday party, no celebrating of advent, or family easter egg hunts. They don't necessarily have someone that is praying on their behalf, that is advocating for them, and who is loving them with everything in them...I am ruined...I find myself sitting on the adoption websites and praying through profiles, praying for kids I have never met and will most likely never meet. I find myself longing to give them all hugs. I find myself getting disgusted with space I have in my house that is not serving a purpose. I find myself unable to fall asleep at night without praying for my "favorites" on the sites. I find myself rearranging bedroom configurations to see just how many children could fit in our home. It's dangerous when you start praying not my will but your will be done God. It's dangerous when you start praying God use me. It's dangerous when you know that you can't single handily change the foster care system in the US. But I know that my home and my heart has some serious room to be used and for those kiddos that God allows in my home I will fight for, pray for, educate, love, and seek wisdom for. I can't take the 108,000 but I know that God is doing something and I know that God is preparing me and ruining me in the best of ways. I may become really uncomfortable to be around in the coming months because I have some big passions and big dreams and that (from what I can tell) makes people uncomfortable.
I have learned through my journey with my marriage, Pro Deo, and through our adoption with K-pickle that God hears me loud and clear when I pray and that He moves mountains and makes things that I foresee impossible possible. So here I am with my faith of a mustard seed and ruined for the sake of the countless children in our country that are questioning if they will ever have a home to call forever. I am ruined for the children that will go to bed in my own community (and the rest of the country) not knowing that God loves them. I am ruined in the best way because I am a woman that is fiercely passionate for my family, for my community, and for the forgotten...May God use me, Andy, Halena, K-pickle and the rest of our family and community to love unconditionally and serve those that God brings to us and may He make us brave on this journey...
Being ruined is hard but it is such a sweet beautiful spot to be in...
Monday, March 14, 2016
Unpacking my heart...
So lets back up to 9 weeks ago when we started our training. We were in class and watching a video re:foster care placement. After it was done our trainer asked us what we thought. One woman in our class said she felt guilty. She felt guilty that because that child was unable to be reunified because of addictions of the mother that put that child at risk, adoption was the plan and now that child "had" to be adopted. The trainer said okay, okay you on this side of the room what do you think...I had to look down I could feel everything inside of me welling up ready to vomit (forget everything else but I was brining a strong passionate opinion of adoption to the table) my thoughts on to these strangers. Luckily (I use this word lightly) my husband stepped up to the plate and spoke- He said I feel disgusted. I feel disgusted that it took so long to decide that reunification wasn't possible. I am disgusted that this woman chose drugs and men over her child every.single.time. I'm disgusted that my wife and I can't conceive children and we have a solid marriage, a supportive family, and love being parents. Shocked initially that he would be so vulnerable in front of strangers (and did he not know we were sitting in foster classes where the end goal for everyone is indeed reunification) and yet on some other level it was the first time I had heard him actually vocalize the pain and injustice that infertility leaves one feeling and even more so on the dads side of things. The next 9 weeks I would wrestle with his words. The more I learned about trauma, the more I continued to experience working with teens that had been traumatized, and the more I found myself longing for more children...I wrestled.
This is where I am at today. I think disgusted is a hard word. Disgusted is the word I have when I have to clean big poops out of the princess potty (real talk). Whether I think the word is right or wrong I think on a deep spiritual level that abuse and neglect of children hurts the heart of God. He created these beautiful beautiful humans and then people that got trusted with these beautiful children stole their innocence, used them for their own gain, took their anger out on them, forgot them all together, or chose the need to love someone else or the addiction over their own child. That infuriates me! (Let me insert a side note here- I am fully aware that kids come in to care for a variety of reasons that include but are not limited to poverty, a crazy accident, or some odd circumstance that doesn't fit this generalization- in this instance give me grace and know that I am just unpacking my heart) Initially when we were in our training and Andy said the word disgusted the trainer said I hope after the 9 weeks you don't feel this way. But...I think it's okay to be where we are today. It's real, honest, and messy. We know that our passion is for the kiddos that will not be reunified, that termination of parental rights is what the court is seeking. We know that we can love the birth parents with whatever situation comes to us and when we fail at that God will step in and He already loves them and can help us to love them. I know that we can protect, cherish, love, equip, and hold dearly the children that have been hurt by the world. That within our walls they would know hope, they would know sacrificial love, and above all they would know that their heavenly father loves them deeply and passionately. But I think God is okay with the fact that I don't sleep easily knowing that precious itty bittys are being hurt by this world and the burden I feel knowing that I can't hold each and every child that is in care and tell them that they are loved. God is also okay knowing that in our hearts we don't view humans as disgusting but that our heart hurts that we live in a world where this kind of brokenness even exists.
So then I start thinking about our specific placements since I can't save the world (something I struggle with sometimes) I will focus on the love I can give to the children that walk through my doors and I will fight for them. I will advocate for them, I will teach them about Jesus, I will show them a healthy marriage, I will love them on the hard days and on the days when it comes as second nature. I will love their birth family not for the pain and trauma but because they too are God's children. I will take everything I don't understand to the feet of Jesus and wrestle with it there because I am safe there. I will lay my questions, the things I don't understand, and all the names of the kiddos I can't have in my home, and the kids that will never make it in to care but should have...I'll lay it all at the feet of Jesus and go there to rest. It may not seem "right" that Andy and I can't conceive children but I wonder if I would be so passionate about something or even be in this spot willing to fight and advocate and be the momma bear that I am if I was conceiving children left and right (we will never know). Today the pain of infertility doesn't plague me. I have wrestled that demon for many years. Today I am excited about this adventure we are on. I am so incredibly grateful that God gave us Kadence and her story of adoption. I am grateful that her story is full of love, choice, and selflessness. I am grateful that Kadence has taught us how incredible life can be being parents, how much joy a child can bring to your life, how much God weaves stories together, and how He is in the business of making miracles. So today I cling to that. I am trusting that there are kiddos in care or are coming in to care soon that God has already picked out for Andy and I. He has equipped us and prepared out hearts for them. I pray that even now as they are in their story that God is preparing their hearts to come into our home. I pray that they would know even on their darkest days that this family out here is praying for them, we are longing for them, that we have jumped through every hoop/training/red tape to be able to read them a bedtime story. They are worth every last piece of paperwork and so much more! Their story has started but God is not done writing that story and Andy and I are over here in eager anticipation of how God will continue to write that story and where that will lead our family. I may not know their names, their stories, their ages, their gender...but I long for them. I wait patiently (and not so patient on days) for them...
Join us in praying for the coming weeks and months as our story continues to unfold...
This is where I am at today. I think disgusted is a hard word. Disgusted is the word I have when I have to clean big poops out of the princess potty (real talk). Whether I think the word is right or wrong I think on a deep spiritual level that abuse and neglect of children hurts the heart of God. He created these beautiful beautiful humans and then people that got trusted with these beautiful children stole their innocence, used them for their own gain, took their anger out on them, forgot them all together, or chose the need to love someone else or the addiction over their own child. That infuriates me! (Let me insert a side note here- I am fully aware that kids come in to care for a variety of reasons that include but are not limited to poverty, a crazy accident, or some odd circumstance that doesn't fit this generalization- in this instance give me grace and know that I am just unpacking my heart) Initially when we were in our training and Andy said the word disgusted the trainer said I hope after the 9 weeks you don't feel this way. But...I think it's okay to be where we are today. It's real, honest, and messy. We know that our passion is for the kiddos that will not be reunified, that termination of parental rights is what the court is seeking. We know that we can love the birth parents with whatever situation comes to us and when we fail at that God will step in and He already loves them and can help us to love them. I know that we can protect, cherish, love, equip, and hold dearly the children that have been hurt by the world. That within our walls they would know hope, they would know sacrificial love, and above all they would know that their heavenly father loves them deeply and passionately. But I think God is okay with the fact that I don't sleep easily knowing that precious itty bittys are being hurt by this world and the burden I feel knowing that I can't hold each and every child that is in care and tell them that they are loved. God is also okay knowing that in our hearts we don't view humans as disgusting but that our heart hurts that we live in a world where this kind of brokenness even exists.
So then I start thinking about our specific placements since I can't save the world (something I struggle with sometimes) I will focus on the love I can give to the children that walk through my doors and I will fight for them. I will advocate for them, I will teach them about Jesus, I will show them a healthy marriage, I will love them on the hard days and on the days when it comes as second nature. I will love their birth family not for the pain and trauma but because they too are God's children. I will take everything I don't understand to the feet of Jesus and wrestle with it there because I am safe there. I will lay my questions, the things I don't understand, and all the names of the kiddos I can't have in my home, and the kids that will never make it in to care but should have...I'll lay it all at the feet of Jesus and go there to rest. It may not seem "right" that Andy and I can't conceive children but I wonder if I would be so passionate about something or even be in this spot willing to fight and advocate and be the momma bear that I am if I was conceiving children left and right (we will never know). Today the pain of infertility doesn't plague me. I have wrestled that demon for many years. Today I am excited about this adventure we are on. I am so incredibly grateful that God gave us Kadence and her story of adoption. I am grateful that her story is full of love, choice, and selflessness. I am grateful that Kadence has taught us how incredible life can be being parents, how much joy a child can bring to your life, how much God weaves stories together, and how He is in the business of making miracles. So today I cling to that. I am trusting that there are kiddos in care or are coming in to care soon that God has already picked out for Andy and I. He has equipped us and prepared out hearts for them. I pray that even now as they are in their story that God is preparing their hearts to come into our home. I pray that they would know even on their darkest days that this family out here is praying for them, we are longing for them, that we have jumped through every hoop/training/red tape to be able to read them a bedtime story. They are worth every last piece of paperwork and so much more! Their story has started but God is not done writing that story and Andy and I are over here in eager anticipation of how God will continue to write that story and where that will lead our family. I may not know their names, their stories, their ages, their gender...but I long for them. I wait patiently (and not so patient on days) for them...
Join us in praying for the coming weeks and months as our story continues to unfold...
Friday, January 29, 2016
The great adoption wrestling...
I am scared to write this post. I am scared for you to see some of my ugly thoughts. I am scared for you to see my wrestlings in writing. It's as if now them being in print makes them real and I can't take them back or deny that I was here on this day...you have been warned- proceed at your own risk of judging me.
Most of you know that Andy and I are pursuing adoption a second time around and some even know we are almost half way through our foster to adopt training. I can honestly say I usually go in every week to training saying "God, I don't know if I can do this" then on the way home "God, here I am...send me". It has been the craziest of wrestlings in my heart.
Some things I don't have a problem with like adding kiddos to our family. I find myself praying, Lord fill this house. If there is an open space you can have it. May you get the glory in all of this. May kids come to know you God through this all. I find myself excited about loud houses, big meals, and all the chaos and deep love that comes in the form of a large family.
So there are some big themes running through this journey where I am today. The first is fear. So the fear, deep down ugly wrestling comes as this- What if God says no? What if God says yes and it completely F's up my life in the ugliest ways. What if I am not as strong as I think I am? What if I'm not actually brave? What if everything I think I know about trauma turns out to be a lie? Does God see that I long for more infants? I'm scared that I will say yes to a "situation" for all the wrong reasons. What if my friends leave me through this? What if all the people say this is a great idea actually leave when it gets hard? I'm scared! Why can't things just be like "Kadence's story" where it is beautiful, restorative, and healing and then I find myself wrestling with myself and asking why can't this be? Does God see that the thought of reunification scares me to my core...like so much so that I can't articulate my thoughts around this idea? He sees all the hairs on my head so I know he knows my heart but why can't he just tell me his plan...
Here enters theme two Control. Andy is the one that has pointed this out to me the most recently. I want control of this journey. I want to check a box that says I want this, this, this and I would like them around May 27th-June 5th. I would like the rights to have already been terminated and a seamless transition. I want them to "fit" in our home and I don't want to get hurt. I want to have the room ready, a plan in place, Kadence prepared, and my marriage ready for the change. The reality is that if I really did get everything "my way" God wouldn't get the glory at that point. And as much as I love everything in Kadence's story the thing I love the most is that without a shadow of a doubt that God wrote her story and placed her in my arms. There was wrestling and fear, man was there fear...and some big alligator tears but He lovingly pulled me in and showed me that Him being in control is better than when I am in control.
The next theme that runs through things this soul is anger. If you didn't think things were ugly yet they are about to get worse. I am angry. I am angry that foster care is even an option. I am angry that people hurt children. I am angry that statistically 75%-95% of kids in care have been sexually abused. That makes me angry! It makes me angry that a question on the home study is what are your thoughts about people that abuse their children? What is the appropriate response you are looking for here? I am angry that for andy and I to add a child to our home it takes roughly upwards of 20,000 to go through an agency for an infant adoption or through foster care it takes us a minimum of 9 weeks of training, four home study visits, a crap ton of paperwork, and then at the end of all of this they are telling us to not be alarmed if we get hotlined because foster kids or birth families hotline their foster families a lot when they get angry. I'm angry that my heart can long so deeply to create forever families for children to provide healing and show them the beauty that comes from a mommy and daddy loving you selflessly and with everything in them... and yet no matter how deeply I long for that statistically they will still choose their birth family and the courts will choose reunification.
The last next theme that runs through all of this is passion. With all the fear, the control I long to have, and the anger that comes when I sit and think through all of the brokeness of all of this I am incredibly passionate about adoption. I am passionate about children getting to experience family and the love of God through our home. I am passionate about reunification...not so much with the people that hurt them but with their heavenly father. I am passionate about healing. I am passionate about jumping all in...with all of my fear, all of my own brokenness, and all of the things I don't understand and I can't figure out and I am confident that however this story unfolds I will do it with every ounce of passion in me. My whole heart is in...and for all of those "waiting children" that I look through on a consistent basis you are not far from my heart at any time. I pray that your identity will not be known based off of the info on your profile on a waiting child list. I pray that you get the opportunity to be known and loved in the deepest ways. I pray that while you wait you know that you are loved and that there are people all over this country that are wrestling though this and trying to jump through all the red tape to get to add you to their family.
The last theme (or the last I have time to blog about today) is faith. What are all of these other wrestlings if I don't have faith. Faith that God knows my heart, that God knows my home, that God knows my marriage. I have faith that God is writing this story...that He is taking me on my ugly days when I want to throw a temper tantrum because all of this feels "unfair". He's with me when I let my day dreaming get a little out of control and I send Andy sibling sets of like 12 kids and ask him if that's too many. He's with me when I cry, He's with me when I doubt, and He's moving and shaking and preparing me even when I can't see it.
As a disclaimer or if anyone was wondering...if babies just start popping out of the woodwork (what a weird figuratively speaking statement) we will take them too... ;)
So here I am, a girl that has great gobs of a lot on her heart. A lot more than can be summed up when you ask, "How's it going?". Some days it's going really well and I am juggling all the plates of thoughts in this journey and there are other days like today when you would do well to know that I am doing the best I can to juggle all the things I am wrestling with. There are hard days, there are days when I don't understand, but at the end of all my wrestling I keep telling God, "Here I am send me"...
How Ironic that on pandora just came "Take My Life"
Most of you know that Andy and I are pursuing adoption a second time around and some even know we are almost half way through our foster to adopt training. I can honestly say I usually go in every week to training saying "God, I don't know if I can do this" then on the way home "God, here I am...send me". It has been the craziest of wrestlings in my heart.
Some things I don't have a problem with like adding kiddos to our family. I find myself praying, Lord fill this house. If there is an open space you can have it. May you get the glory in all of this. May kids come to know you God through this all. I find myself excited about loud houses, big meals, and all the chaos and deep love that comes in the form of a large family.
So there are some big themes running through this journey where I am today. The first is fear. So the fear, deep down ugly wrestling comes as this- What if God says no? What if God says yes and it completely F's up my life in the ugliest ways. What if I am not as strong as I think I am? What if I'm not actually brave? What if everything I think I know about trauma turns out to be a lie? Does God see that I long for more infants? I'm scared that I will say yes to a "situation" for all the wrong reasons. What if my friends leave me through this? What if all the people say this is a great idea actually leave when it gets hard? I'm scared! Why can't things just be like "Kadence's story" where it is beautiful, restorative, and healing and then I find myself wrestling with myself and asking why can't this be? Does God see that the thought of reunification scares me to my core...like so much so that I can't articulate my thoughts around this idea? He sees all the hairs on my head so I know he knows my heart but why can't he just tell me his plan...
Here enters theme two Control. Andy is the one that has pointed this out to me the most recently. I want control of this journey. I want to check a box that says I want this, this, this and I would like them around May 27th-June 5th. I would like the rights to have already been terminated and a seamless transition. I want them to "fit" in our home and I don't want to get hurt. I want to have the room ready, a plan in place, Kadence prepared, and my marriage ready for the change. The reality is that if I really did get everything "my way" God wouldn't get the glory at that point. And as much as I love everything in Kadence's story the thing I love the most is that without a shadow of a doubt that God wrote her story and placed her in my arms. There was wrestling and fear, man was there fear...and some big alligator tears but He lovingly pulled me in and showed me that Him being in control is better than when I am in control.
The next theme that runs through things this soul is anger. If you didn't think things were ugly yet they are about to get worse. I am angry. I am angry that foster care is even an option. I am angry that people hurt children. I am angry that statistically 75%-95% of kids in care have been sexually abused. That makes me angry! It makes me angry that a question on the home study is what are your thoughts about people that abuse their children? What is the appropriate response you are looking for here? I am angry that for andy and I to add a child to our home it takes roughly upwards of 20,000 to go through an agency for an infant adoption or through foster care it takes us a minimum of 9 weeks of training, four home study visits, a crap ton of paperwork, and then at the end of all of this they are telling us to not be alarmed if we get hotlined because foster kids or birth families hotline their foster families a lot when they get angry. I'm angry that my heart can long so deeply to create forever families for children to provide healing and show them the beauty that comes from a mommy and daddy loving you selflessly and with everything in them... and yet no matter how deeply I long for that statistically they will still choose their birth family and the courts will choose reunification.
The last next theme that runs through all of this is passion. With all the fear, the control I long to have, and the anger that comes when I sit and think through all of the brokeness of all of this I am incredibly passionate about adoption. I am passionate about children getting to experience family and the love of God through our home. I am passionate about reunification...not so much with the people that hurt them but with their heavenly father. I am passionate about healing. I am passionate about jumping all in...with all of my fear, all of my own brokenness, and all of the things I don't understand and I can't figure out and I am confident that however this story unfolds I will do it with every ounce of passion in me. My whole heart is in...and for all of those "waiting children" that I look through on a consistent basis you are not far from my heart at any time. I pray that your identity will not be known based off of the info on your profile on a waiting child list. I pray that you get the opportunity to be known and loved in the deepest ways. I pray that while you wait you know that you are loved and that there are people all over this country that are wrestling though this and trying to jump through all the red tape to get to add you to their family.
The last theme (or the last I have time to blog about today) is faith. What are all of these other wrestlings if I don't have faith. Faith that God knows my heart, that God knows my home, that God knows my marriage. I have faith that God is writing this story...that He is taking me on my ugly days when I want to throw a temper tantrum because all of this feels "unfair". He's with me when I let my day dreaming get a little out of control and I send Andy sibling sets of like 12 kids and ask him if that's too many. He's with me when I cry, He's with me when I doubt, and He's moving and shaking and preparing me even when I can't see it.
As a disclaimer or if anyone was wondering...if babies just start popping out of the woodwork (what a weird figuratively speaking statement) we will take them too... ;)
So here I am, a girl that has great gobs of a lot on her heart. A lot more than can be summed up when you ask, "How's it going?". Some days it's going really well and I am juggling all the plates of thoughts in this journey and there are other days like today when you would do well to know that I am doing the best I can to juggle all the things I am wrestling with. There are hard days, there are days when I don't understand, but at the end of all my wrestling I keep telling God, "Here I am send me"...
How Ironic that on pandora just came "Take My Life"
Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Good Bye 2015 and Hello 2016...
I did it! I broke away from the craziness of life to meet with myself at starbucks and drink my drink slowly and spend some time reflecting. 2015 had some really crappy moments but overall it was good...not great but no complaints. Unexpected things I learned in 2015 were how to actually be a good friend, how to have a Quiet Time with Jesus all while having a toddler at home, how to be an advocate for myself, how to set boundaries, how to enjoy solitude, and how to trust that Jesus is moving and working even when I can't see it. If you stick around long enough you will see that I have to learn that last part over and over again in the course of my life. But I can feel 2016 knocking at the door and so today we say goodbye to 2015. We remember the good times, thank God that we made it through the hard times, and embrace that 2016 is full on its way. I was stumbling around and found some prompts for reflection and I won't bore you with all of my reflecting but thought that some of this might be helpful to more than just me or that it would prompt conversations over the next year. Maybe I would get some good coffee dates out of this and someone would say I really want to go to coffee and talk about and pick one of these topics:) So here I go!
In 2016 I purpose to-
Embrace: the journey of change. In my personal life we have put out all of our feelers for different adoption situations (from begging people on Facebook to find us a birth mom, to talking to agencies, to pursuing the foster care system) Starting Jan 5th we start our STARS training for the state of Missouri to be licensed foster parents with the intent to adopt. This little fact makes me want to cuss with fear. There is something daunting knowing that I have no control over how God will use all of these paths to create our family. I pray for wisdom and discernment as we are presented with adoption situations. I pray that God would protect my heart because man do I fall in love quickly when it comes to babies needing a home and just as quickly as I fall in love my heart breaks when it doesn't work out. I pray for protection over our family unit because although I am excited about whatever way God grows our family and the prospect of having more kiddos in our house, I never want to be so excited and focused on the future of what's to come that I can't embrace where I am today, what God is doing today, and how beautiful my family is TODAY! In my work life I have hired two additional positions and am starting 2016 with a team that I am so very excited about. A team that fiercely loves Jesus, each other, our teens, and our community. I am pumped to go to work next week!
Engage: in my marriage. I will be present. I will show up. I will make more time to have a cup of coffee together while Kadence is at preschool. I will dream with him, I will pray for him, I will scratch his back...I will engage at being a student of him. I will engage in being his best friend, his wife, and his lover. 2016 will be a year of great love and lots of spooning!
Be: Healthy. I know most people say this when the year changes and they have a weight goal and they have the latest fad to get them to their goal. Not this girl. I am a girl that in 2015 was given some awesome medical news and so me being healthy looks different than most. For me it looks like tracking if I go to the bathroom every day or not (I know TMI), taking lettuce and most other veggies or most fiber completely out of my diet, increasing sleep, and decreasing stress, and not to choke on food when I eat. I go in every three months to track my blood results. So my goal is just for every 3 months when I go in the blood tests to be better than the month before. So in 2016 I shall keep tracking on this journey of learning more and more the awesome quirks of this body of mine and adhering to what makes it healthy.
Believe: that God's not done. I had this realization about a month ago that there is a deep lie that I have been holding on to but haven't shared with people. Deep down I think my "miracles from God" has been all used up. Don't laugh at me. It sounds crazy to even type it out. But I have lived a very blessed life, a life that I can see God's handprint ALL over. I prayed for this man that I wanted desperately to be my husband and God answered and I seriously have the best husband and feel that God totally hand picked him just for me. I can look back at our story and see God weaving our story together in the most beautiful way. Fast forward and I can say this without a shadow of a doubt with Pro Deo and as well as with Kadence's story. Those have been 3 of the big miracles in my life but at the same time I feel like there are answered prayers all over my life. So it seems odd that I would deep down ponder if He's done. I know this is a lie from satan. So in 2016 I am believing that God that has orchestrated and created incredible miracles in my life is not taking a break in 2016.
Break: my work addiction. I will turn off that dang phone, I will give myself permission to be at home, have a sleeping baby, a husband at work, AND sit down...something I did not excel at in 2015.
Daily: Dig in God's word. Man does it make a difference. It makes a difference in how I love, how I lead, how I parent...it's a big deal and can't be a "if there's time" arrangement. It HAS to be daily.
Do: vacation. It has been a long time coming but I think my home finally values vacation. The art of slowing down, getting away together, and making memories. So I'm going to do that this year...because I like vacation and I like making memories with my family :)
Let Go: of comfort. I want to do things that stretch me and make me uncomfortable. I want to learn and live life to its fullest and I think that sometimes I let my own ideas of what I am comfortable with dictate what I will participate in. So in 2016 I am going to be uncomfortable and see what God has in all of that for me.
Learn:to sabbath. I am going to learn to have a day of rest. I don't know more than that. I just value it and long for that rhythm in my family.
Live:intentionally. I want to live every day on purpose. I want every phone call, every coffee discussion, every interaction that I have to be intentional. I want people to be heard, loved, and cared for. I want to be present for the little moments and to see what God is doing through all of the little things.
Give:generously. Andy and I are in year two, for us, of giving financially monthly generously to things that we are passionate about. Now my husband has always been generous, he has always been one to financially take care of people when there is a need sometimes even to a fault. But we never did it as a discipline, never as a just because, and never at the first of every month. But the last two years have been different. It has been interesting to see what God has done with that money, how God has blessed that trust in our own journey and it has been fun getting to support things that we really care about (I think working in a non-profit it makes this whole thing more fun. I in essence get paid from donations of generous people in our community and then after I get my pay check we turn around and give it to other people in our community.) I think that is beautiful to Jesus. So in 2016 I want our hearts to be generous.
Grow: Me. I think my unsettledness with 2016 is that I know this is coming. Regardless of what I purpose for 2016 God is going to grow me. It is coming and I think that part of the unsettledness is me saying Here I am God use me...use me in my home, use me to love others, use me at work, use me to lead, use me to parent, use me to care for others, USE ME...
So 2016 Here I am...
In 2016 I purpose to-
Embrace: the journey of change. In my personal life we have put out all of our feelers for different adoption situations (from begging people on Facebook to find us a birth mom, to talking to agencies, to pursuing the foster care system) Starting Jan 5th we start our STARS training for the state of Missouri to be licensed foster parents with the intent to adopt. This little fact makes me want to cuss with fear. There is something daunting knowing that I have no control over how God will use all of these paths to create our family. I pray for wisdom and discernment as we are presented with adoption situations. I pray that God would protect my heart because man do I fall in love quickly when it comes to babies needing a home and just as quickly as I fall in love my heart breaks when it doesn't work out. I pray for protection over our family unit because although I am excited about whatever way God grows our family and the prospect of having more kiddos in our house, I never want to be so excited and focused on the future of what's to come that I can't embrace where I am today, what God is doing today, and how beautiful my family is TODAY! In my work life I have hired two additional positions and am starting 2016 with a team that I am so very excited about. A team that fiercely loves Jesus, each other, our teens, and our community. I am pumped to go to work next week!
Engage: in my marriage. I will be present. I will show up. I will make more time to have a cup of coffee together while Kadence is at preschool. I will dream with him, I will pray for him, I will scratch his back...I will engage at being a student of him. I will engage in being his best friend, his wife, and his lover. 2016 will be a year of great love and lots of spooning!
Be: Healthy. I know most people say this when the year changes and they have a weight goal and they have the latest fad to get them to their goal. Not this girl. I am a girl that in 2015 was given some awesome medical news and so me being healthy looks different than most. For me it looks like tracking if I go to the bathroom every day or not (I know TMI), taking lettuce and most other veggies or most fiber completely out of my diet, increasing sleep, and decreasing stress, and not to choke on food when I eat. I go in every three months to track my blood results. So my goal is just for every 3 months when I go in the blood tests to be better than the month before. So in 2016 I shall keep tracking on this journey of learning more and more the awesome quirks of this body of mine and adhering to what makes it healthy.
Believe: that God's not done. I had this realization about a month ago that there is a deep lie that I have been holding on to but haven't shared with people. Deep down I think my "miracles from God" has been all used up. Don't laugh at me. It sounds crazy to even type it out. But I have lived a very blessed life, a life that I can see God's handprint ALL over. I prayed for this man that I wanted desperately to be my husband and God answered and I seriously have the best husband and feel that God totally hand picked him just for me. I can look back at our story and see God weaving our story together in the most beautiful way. Fast forward and I can say this without a shadow of a doubt with Pro Deo and as well as with Kadence's story. Those have been 3 of the big miracles in my life but at the same time I feel like there are answered prayers all over my life. So it seems odd that I would deep down ponder if He's done. I know this is a lie from satan. So in 2016 I am believing that God that has orchestrated and created incredible miracles in my life is not taking a break in 2016.
Break: my work addiction. I will turn off that dang phone, I will give myself permission to be at home, have a sleeping baby, a husband at work, AND sit down...something I did not excel at in 2015.
Daily: Dig in God's word. Man does it make a difference. It makes a difference in how I love, how I lead, how I parent...it's a big deal and can't be a "if there's time" arrangement. It HAS to be daily.
Do: vacation. It has been a long time coming but I think my home finally values vacation. The art of slowing down, getting away together, and making memories. So I'm going to do that this year...because I like vacation and I like making memories with my family :)
Let Go: of comfort. I want to do things that stretch me and make me uncomfortable. I want to learn and live life to its fullest and I think that sometimes I let my own ideas of what I am comfortable with dictate what I will participate in. So in 2016 I am going to be uncomfortable and see what God has in all of that for me.
Learn:to sabbath. I am going to learn to have a day of rest. I don't know more than that. I just value it and long for that rhythm in my family.
Live:intentionally. I want to live every day on purpose. I want every phone call, every coffee discussion, every interaction that I have to be intentional. I want people to be heard, loved, and cared for. I want to be present for the little moments and to see what God is doing through all of the little things.
Give:generously. Andy and I are in year two, for us, of giving financially monthly generously to things that we are passionate about. Now my husband has always been generous, he has always been one to financially take care of people when there is a need sometimes even to a fault. But we never did it as a discipline, never as a just because, and never at the first of every month. But the last two years have been different. It has been interesting to see what God has done with that money, how God has blessed that trust in our own journey and it has been fun getting to support things that we really care about (I think working in a non-profit it makes this whole thing more fun. I in essence get paid from donations of generous people in our community and then after I get my pay check we turn around and give it to other people in our community.) I think that is beautiful to Jesus. So in 2016 I want our hearts to be generous.
Grow: Me. I think my unsettledness with 2016 is that I know this is coming. Regardless of what I purpose for 2016 God is going to grow me. It is coming and I think that part of the unsettledness is me saying Here I am God use me...use me in my home, use me to love others, use me at work, use me to lead, use me to parent, use me to care for others, USE ME...
So 2016 Here I am...
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Meet Kadence the 2.8 year old...
First Update on adding to our family: Missouri is slow...real slow...real real slow... So, we have everything done on our end just waiting to get some training started. So in the meantime we just enjoy this amazing life we are living and secretly keep our eye out for pregnant women ;) Hahaha
So, Kadence...can you believe it- she is 2.8 years old- don't tell her because if you ask her she will tell you she is two and a half. I thought it would be fun for our family and friends that are out of town to get to know her more than through my abundance of pictures I post-lol
So you should first know that if you ask her what her name is- she will respond with her first, middle, and last name. She often also wants to know your name...which she also needs to know first, middle, and last of.
She is opinionated about all things food and fashion. For food she loves grapes, black olives, chicken strips, pasta, salsa, quesadillas, watermelon, fried rice (well actually any kind of rice), dried fruit, and ranch...the girl loves her ranch. She also likes all of the toddler foods: goldfish, graham crackers, fruit snacks (scooby or princess is her preference). As far as fashion goes- the girl needs a skirt, and things need to match...oh and did I mention there needs to be sparkles/glitter and more sparkle? I swear that girl leaves the house dressed better than me daily! She doesn't want to wear jeans usually, she wants soft pants or a dress/tutu/skirt. We went to Lowes the other day to look around and Andy and I were in Jeans/sweats and Kadence was in full on Easter attire. Everyone thought she was dressed up for halloween...nope this is my everyday! She also will not leave the house without a bow, she also has opinions on her hair styles and bows. She usually wants princess leila hair or braids. She also now asks for lipstick (chapstick) and an amulet (a piece of jewelry that princess sofia has)-but depending on the day I may or may not have a necklace that meets her specifications. She also LOVES nail polish and the more glitter the better!
Now with all that diva you may think that I have corrupted our child- but she has a LOT of tom-boy in her too! When we went to lowes the other day...she may have been dressed up but she wanted desperately to play on the tractor. She loves all things balls, trucks/cars, trains, batman, climbing trees, and starwars. She likes being scared and scaring others. She loves tag, chase, being dirty, and legos.
She still loves outdoors- she wants to eat, color, and spend as much time as possible outside. We don't mind AT ALL and so we spend many days and evenings outdoors. Almost nightly somewhere between 4-6 Kadence and Andy take a bike ride that lands them at a local park or playground. She loves our hamic and our little slide we have outdoors. Most of all she enjoys playing with sticks or in the new leaves that have fallen or in running from Jada.
Kadence is in school two days a week currently. She loves it! The things she loves most are art, music class, recess, balloons, and bubbles. She is so proud of the work she brings home and so we hang it all on the fridge.
She still loves bath time and that is where she plays with her shapes and letters. She can identify K, T, S, M, W, B, R, X and A. She has all of her shapes and colors under control.
She loves to play with stuffed animals, make believe play, and dress up...sometimes all three at the same time. The girl loves to play!
She also wants to be my chef! Daddy built her a step stool so she can reach the kitchen counters to help me cook. She enjoys adding salt and pepper, stirring things, and using measuring cups. She gets sad when we have leftovers or if I made dinner without her.
Kadence also loves to sing, read books, build things, climb, and try new things. Her TV shows of preference are Mickey, Paw Patrol, Daniel Tiger, Princess Sofia, and Peppa Pig.
I am always amazed by her problem solving skills. For instance, last night Andy had thrown Jada's toy and it landed in our ficus tree. Andy and I started talking and not paying attention and Kadence went upstairs to the bathroom, got her step stool, brought it down and put it on the couch so she could reach the toy and get it down for Jada.
Kadence is pretty much potty trained except for bedtime and the occasional nap time.
So what does Kadence NOT like? being told no or not being able to do something on her own (she is very independent). Transitions especially from something she really likes are hard even with fair warning. For the most part all other meltdowns are adult faults (lack of sleep, loss of routine, hunger, or too much sugar-or the crash afterwards).
Overall Kadence is a sponge that picks up everything and remembers it (this can be good and bad-lol). She also is just overall a happy toddler. She loves to play, loves to laugh, loves to hang out with her friends, loves her family, and loves loves loves her Jada.
Our life is in a very fun stage! Every day that Andy and I are apart we are still sending each other messages about the funny things she says or does. We can't get enough of it!
We love our little toddler and enjoying this season of slowing down so that we get to enjoy all of this.
Till our next little ones join the nest...this nest is very special with a beautiful little girl in it and a family that truly with everything in us loves being a family :)
So, Kadence...can you believe it- she is 2.8 years old- don't tell her because if you ask her she will tell you she is two and a half. I thought it would be fun for our family and friends that are out of town to get to know her more than through my abundance of pictures I post-lol
So you should first know that if you ask her what her name is- she will respond with her first, middle, and last name. She often also wants to know your name...which she also needs to know first, middle, and last of.
She is opinionated about all things food and fashion. For food she loves grapes, black olives, chicken strips, pasta, salsa, quesadillas, watermelon, fried rice (well actually any kind of rice), dried fruit, and ranch...the girl loves her ranch. She also likes all of the toddler foods: goldfish, graham crackers, fruit snacks (scooby or princess is her preference). As far as fashion goes- the girl needs a skirt, and things need to match...oh and did I mention there needs to be sparkles/glitter and more sparkle? I swear that girl leaves the house dressed better than me daily! She doesn't want to wear jeans usually, she wants soft pants or a dress/tutu/skirt. We went to Lowes the other day to look around and Andy and I were in Jeans/sweats and Kadence was in full on Easter attire. Everyone thought she was dressed up for halloween...nope this is my everyday! She also will not leave the house without a bow, she also has opinions on her hair styles and bows. She usually wants princess leila hair or braids. She also now asks for lipstick (chapstick) and an amulet (a piece of jewelry that princess sofia has)-but depending on the day I may or may not have a necklace that meets her specifications. She also LOVES nail polish and the more glitter the better!
Now with all that diva you may think that I have corrupted our child- but she has a LOT of tom-boy in her too! When we went to lowes the other day...she may have been dressed up but she wanted desperately to play on the tractor. She loves all things balls, trucks/cars, trains, batman, climbing trees, and starwars. She likes being scared and scaring others. She loves tag, chase, being dirty, and legos.
She still loves outdoors- she wants to eat, color, and spend as much time as possible outside. We don't mind AT ALL and so we spend many days and evenings outdoors. Almost nightly somewhere between 4-6 Kadence and Andy take a bike ride that lands them at a local park or playground. She loves our hamic and our little slide we have outdoors. Most of all she enjoys playing with sticks or in the new leaves that have fallen or in running from Jada.
Kadence is in school two days a week currently. She loves it! The things she loves most are art, music class, recess, balloons, and bubbles. She is so proud of the work she brings home and so we hang it all on the fridge.
She still loves bath time and that is where she plays with her shapes and letters. She can identify K, T, S, M, W, B, R, X and A. She has all of her shapes and colors under control.
She loves to play with stuffed animals, make believe play, and dress up...sometimes all three at the same time. The girl loves to play!
She also wants to be my chef! Daddy built her a step stool so she can reach the kitchen counters to help me cook. She enjoys adding salt and pepper, stirring things, and using measuring cups. She gets sad when we have leftovers or if I made dinner without her.
Kadence also loves to sing, read books, build things, climb, and try new things. Her TV shows of preference are Mickey, Paw Patrol, Daniel Tiger, Princess Sofia, and Peppa Pig.
I am always amazed by her problem solving skills. For instance, last night Andy had thrown Jada's toy and it landed in our ficus tree. Andy and I started talking and not paying attention and Kadence went upstairs to the bathroom, got her step stool, brought it down and put it on the couch so she could reach the toy and get it down for Jada.
Kadence is pretty much potty trained except for bedtime and the occasional nap time.
So what does Kadence NOT like? being told no or not being able to do something on her own (she is very independent). Transitions especially from something she really likes are hard even with fair warning. For the most part all other meltdowns are adult faults (lack of sleep, loss of routine, hunger, or too much sugar-or the crash afterwards).
Overall Kadence is a sponge that picks up everything and remembers it (this can be good and bad-lol). She also is just overall a happy toddler. She loves to play, loves to laugh, loves to hang out with her friends, loves her family, and loves loves loves her Jada.
Our life is in a very fun stage! Every day that Andy and I are apart we are still sending each other messages about the funny things she says or does. We can't get enough of it!
We love our little toddler and enjoying this season of slowing down so that we get to enjoy all of this.
Till our next little ones join the nest...this nest is very special with a beautiful little girl in it and a family that truly with everything in us loves being a family :)
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Advent-practical
So, here's the quick reasons for me "over-doing" Christmas: 1. Christmas has the history in my life of being painful. I lost my dad on December 23rd, the very next year I lost my grandpa the second week of December. December equalled pain...then fast forward a couple years and through doing ministry Christmas evolved to this beautiful means to serving others yet running yourself into the ground...and then 3 years ago Christmas became this anticipation, this excitement of this gift that was coming. To the best that my human mind could understand my emotions and preperation were very similar to what was going on in the Christmas story. But more importantly FINALLY, the Christmas joy had restored itself! So Christmas is still a "crazy" time of year with running a non-profit but I have found the joy of the season once again, and have been able to do everything in my power to savor this season every year now. So, excuse me why I fan girl over advent and Christmas...for me it's not about the hype as much as it is about the mass amounts of healing and wrestling I have done to get to where I am today.
So now for the practical side of things- this is now turning into the "how Kylie does it" post-
1. Print off a calendar for December (and then add in the random couple of days of November)
2. I highlight all of the days that Andy is off (he has a rotating schedule so it is important that I plan things I want him to be at when he can be there)
3. I put in all work commitments and then x off days that work absolutely can't take over (there seriously has to be a big X or I just plan up every free moment- the struggle is real)
4. I then put in all of the family commitment stuff (extended family stuff or my best guess)
5. I then get on KCParent or other blogs of fun things to do in Kansas City. We have some things that we LOVE to do so I make sure those are on the calendar too (some things usually involve anything free, going to crown center, a live nativity, looking for christmas lights, etc)
6. Then I put all mom and Kadence dates on the calendar (the Saturdays when Andy is sleeping all day from work)
7. Then I put on the calendar when we want to be intentional- who do we want to have over, what relationships do we want to focus on, when can we share a meal with people?
8. Then I get my white mocha, a little O holy Night on, the scripture of the Christmas story and Pinterest and fill in the gaps of things on my calendar. Some days we have a theme- like a rubber ducky christmas, or a Madagascar christmas (celebrating some of our friends that were missionaries over there). Some days we have a really cute craft that I selfishly want to give away as Christmas gifts (last year we made homemade wrapping paper and she loved it). I really give thoughts to any traditions I think are developmentally appropriate for us to start and spend time reflecting on past years and what I enjoyed or things I want to scrap from the list.
The key to successfully planning advent is figuring out what you would be doing already and how can you make it special? I'm making cookies anyway...how can I make this Christmas themed baking, get Kadence involved, listen to fun Christmas music, and who can I give them to that would make their day? It takes zero extra effort and if for some reason Kadence isn't feeling it on that particular day no biggie- I was going to be making cookies anyway. I'm all about taking really ordinary and mundane things and making them into sacred experiences.
9. I then make a list of special treats I want to make over the weeks to come and separate them out to fit in my grocery budget over the weeks
10. Make a list of books I want to check out from the library- a mixture of Christmas books about the Christmas story and other books that are just silly/rhyming stories.
11. Make a list of sensory activities or fun things to do when things get boring or when we have long weekends (the weekends Andy works all weekend)
12. Make a list of songs/videos to watch when it is just so cold I can't function or if my day didn't go the way I had planned or if everyone is just needing a veg night
13. Print out some basic coloring sheets if Christmas stuff so it's on hand
I know this may sound like a lot of work for 25 days but it really is like a hobby and I don't really tell people (even my husband) how much time I spend working on it prior too...it's just my happy place.
So it may or may not be October 18th and I may or may not have Christmas music on and be drinking a white mocha...no judgement :)
So now for the practical side of things- this is now turning into the "how Kylie does it" post-
1. Print off a calendar for December (and then add in the random couple of days of November)
2. I highlight all of the days that Andy is off (he has a rotating schedule so it is important that I plan things I want him to be at when he can be there)
3. I put in all work commitments and then x off days that work absolutely can't take over (there seriously has to be a big X or I just plan up every free moment- the struggle is real)
4. I then put in all of the family commitment stuff (extended family stuff or my best guess)
5. I then get on KCParent or other blogs of fun things to do in Kansas City. We have some things that we LOVE to do so I make sure those are on the calendar too (some things usually involve anything free, going to crown center, a live nativity, looking for christmas lights, etc)
6. Then I put all mom and Kadence dates on the calendar (the Saturdays when Andy is sleeping all day from work)
7. Then I put on the calendar when we want to be intentional- who do we want to have over, what relationships do we want to focus on, when can we share a meal with people?
8. Then I get my white mocha, a little O holy Night on, the scripture of the Christmas story and Pinterest and fill in the gaps of things on my calendar. Some days we have a theme- like a rubber ducky christmas, or a Madagascar christmas (celebrating some of our friends that were missionaries over there). Some days we have a really cute craft that I selfishly want to give away as Christmas gifts (last year we made homemade wrapping paper and she loved it). I really give thoughts to any traditions I think are developmentally appropriate for us to start and spend time reflecting on past years and what I enjoyed or things I want to scrap from the list.
The key to successfully planning advent is figuring out what you would be doing already and how can you make it special? I'm making cookies anyway...how can I make this Christmas themed baking, get Kadence involved, listen to fun Christmas music, and who can I give them to that would make their day? It takes zero extra effort and if for some reason Kadence isn't feeling it on that particular day no biggie- I was going to be making cookies anyway. I'm all about taking really ordinary and mundane things and making them into sacred experiences.
9. I then make a list of special treats I want to make over the weeks to come and separate them out to fit in my grocery budget over the weeks
10. Make a list of books I want to check out from the library- a mixture of Christmas books about the Christmas story and other books that are just silly/rhyming stories.
11. Make a list of sensory activities or fun things to do when things get boring or when we have long weekends (the weekends Andy works all weekend)
12. Make a list of songs/videos to watch when it is just so cold I can't function or if my day didn't go the way I had planned or if everyone is just needing a veg night
13. Print out some basic coloring sheets if Christmas stuff so it's on hand
I know this may sound like a lot of work for 25 days but it really is like a hobby and I don't really tell people (even my husband) how much time I spend working on it prior too...it's just my happy place.
So it may or may not be October 18th and I may or may not have Christmas music on and be drinking a white mocha...no judgement :)
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