I shared a link this morning to a woman who wrote about being a cop wife. It was one of the best written articles about my life that I have read in a long while. She hit some of the pain right on the head, some of the worry, and all of the pride. I too, like her, have one of the good ones and I am proud to call him my husband and daddy to our girls. I do not know how he sees the things he sees, deals with the crap he deals with and yet can still come home and be gentle, understanding, patient, and loving. With all of this said there are some things that she didn't touch on that we have found as part of our life that may just be true in our little world but thought it would give insight...
1. Have you ever tried leading grace with an ear piece in your ear? It goes something like "Dear heavenly father, thank you...BEEEP armed disturbance at the peanut and then his number" "En route" and just like that grace, dinner, and your 30 min e-call is over
2. Andy works midnights so after I have put Kadence to sleep, I have picked up the house, done whatever I needed to do, and head to bed I hear what sounds like a little mouse scurrying through the kitchen looking for a snack. Luckily, unlike a mouse, his duty boots are quite heavy so I always know who it is and it brings a sense of peace. I love midnight snack time, and although I pretend to be asleep it always put a smile on my face.
3. You learn to be comfortable with a gun around. I didn't grow up with a personal body guard but I must admit after the link I shared and seeing who re-posted it and seeing that all were women from my church whose husbands also are cops...makes me question how many guns are in any given church service. I used to think that was weird but now it is nothing that phases me. Even friday when I went out with the girls (one of them a cop) I was comfortable knowing that even at 54th street at any given point there was a gun in-between me and my friend so she can protect me (well and everyone else in the restaurant -lol)
4. You learn to have empathy when your husband sleeps through church. I have figured out that church is not real conducive to baby sleep schedules and/or husband that works midnights schedules. He tries so hard to come to church with us because he wants to be a spiritual leader, he knows that I value a family going to church together...so about every other week my hubby has a hard time making it through church but he does it and I think God is okay with it. I think God knows his heart, knows that Andy loves Him, and that he is being the best man he knows how to be.
5. On top of all the other scheduling "conflicts" that our life might bring about my husband also makes time to spend time with me, Kadence, go to the dog park with Jada, tutor over at the Langsford house, run PE once a week at Langsford house, mentor twice a week over at Hilltop, sit on the board of the Langsford house and Pro Deo, and then most days also give up sleep to drive our 15 passenger van full of teenagers home from our after school program. He does all of this, lacking sleep, and not complaining. He will also go out of his way to pick up co-workers, visit people in the hospital, stop by and see his brother while on duty (his brother is a fire fighter). My husbands heart is the biggest I have ever seen a man have. God showed off a little when he made Andy.
6. You also learn what dishes heat, reheat, and reheat well. When we first got married, I used to leave dinner out and try to keep it warm till he was able to stop in and have it. That was a joke. I learned very quickly that you might as well cook, clean, and put it in tupperware before he gets a chance to eat it. I don't know if it is just us but it always feels like dispatch knows as soon as andy has stepped foot in the door. I will have food in the microwave and I will hear him que up his mic. So just as quick as I heated up the meal, I am recovering and putting it back in the fridge. It doesn't even phase me anymore...it's just part of the routine.
7. I have learned to NOT listen to the police scanner. I am really good at it. I know all of the numbers, codes, and for the most part who is who...so I really can give a play by play of the whole thing the whole time Andy is at work. I even got good at multi tasking and watching tv and listening to the scanner. Over the years the scanner has taken a back burner of importance to my life. It only took one valentines day of making a surprise for andy and hearing a call come out of a car stop with an armed and dangerous man who had a gun...they call for a second...and there is just silence. I sat there praying that there was second en-route to him. The second car got there. There was still silence. My world froze and I just waited as the dispatchers asked 10-18 (are you okay-basically) and there was another long pause and in my head I am praying over and over again the words 10-19 (I'm okay-basically). I hear andy come on the air say 10-19 and one in custody and my heart finally started beating again, I went back to working on my valentines surprise and life was okay again. That was just one call, one night, and I decided I couldn't live my life in fear or attached to the scanner at all times. So the scanner has taken a back burner in our home.
8. To be a police wife (or a good one-in my opinion) you can not be a jealous woman. You have got to understand that 12 hours of his day he is going on calls with people, talking to people, doing foot patrol with people. There are many days when Andy has spent more time with his co-workers or even that pesky prisoner that all of a sudden needed to go to the hospital than me. You have got to understand that going on foot patrol with an officer is part of his job not a hot date, getting grinded on by drunk women at the local bar is annoying not appealing. Andy gets hit on by women (and men-lol) on duty. He is Hot in a uniform. I embrace it and actually am flattered that so many find him attractive...because at the end of the night (or in our case first thing in the morning) he comes home to ME. I know I have it good, and I am secure in our relationship so there is not time/space/room for jealousy. If you are going to make it as a police wife there can not be room in your relationship for those things either.
9. I love that I have girlfriends who are also police wives because it makes us understand each other when we have plans and are waiting on the boys to go out and one of us calls because one of the boys got held over. It is not the exception to the rule...it is just how girls nights go :)
10. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, that arguing is not necessary, that kissing before he goes off to work is a necessity, and that days off need to truly be days off. That when he comes home as much as I want to vomit on him about my night, day, weekend, etc...he takes in everything that he does and doesn't vomit it all over me.
11. You get used to the phone calls of "What if I got arrested for this" "Is this illegal"or "Whats happening at blank and blank""Can you go check on". Inevitably those phone calls come during date night, family time, sleep, or my favorite at intimate moments but we have learned how to silence the phone, laugh at the calls, and ignore the incessant phone calls.
12. Three day work weeks are horrible...and on midnights...UGH. I think every wife/mom should have off the mondays after daddy has worked the weekend. Our weekends that Andy works looks like Friday 7pm-7am work, 7am-11am sleep, 11-2pm wake-play-eat 2pm-6pm sleep. 6-6:30 eat-play-get ready for work. 7pm-7am work. 7am-10am sleep. 10-1 Church, eat, play. 1-6 sleep. 6-6:30 eat. 7pm-7am work...Monday morning our whole family is EXHAUSTED and daddy still needs to sleep before he can function. Daddy is exhausted from the long hours and lack of sleep. Jada is chomping at the bit to have every last bit of dad's attention. Kadence wants to play, be held, and laugh with daddy, and mommy just wants a nap,shower, and starbucks!
13. People make jokes about handcuffs and the awesomeness of being married and him carrying handcuffs.You nasty people... Have you seen the people those handcuffs have been on? NO THANKS-lol
14. I have learned to never say, "When you get off we are going to..." whether that is watch a movie, go to the store, head to a ball game, whatever it is I have just now guaranteed myself that he is on the bubble to be held over :)
15. You also get used to at home if you hear a noise. The husband gets up and searches the house with flashlight and gun...our house is well protected...I am not scared of the boogie man :)
16. Being in a small group at church is a joke. What it really means is go to a couples small group and function like a single mom. I really do feel bad for Andy sometimes and the lack of community he receives at church. It is hard to find a small group of guys to meet and study the word with when most men in the church are not on his schedule. There are no marriage classes, parenting classes, financial peace, mid week institute...all of these options for community at church and not a single one of them work for his schedule. Our church is used to Andy showing up in uniform to potlucks, special events, and even small group but he can never let his guard down. He is only a passer by usually only there long enough to graze some food, say hello, and back out the door he goes.
17. We also learned real quick that not every call gets talked about. Whereas I could go on and on about every last ounce of drama that pours out from the families I work with...Andy's calls are sometimes a little harder to hear around the table. We made a pact early on that I wanted him to share what he needed to share but I trusted him if there were things he needed to keep to himself I just needed him to process it with someone. I also told him that my only rules were if we were at a social gathering or at his moms I didn't want to be caught off guard and eveyone be talking about a "BIG STORY" and me not know anything about it. So far that has worked well for us. The only time our plan has failed us was on a girls night with one of the girl cops. We were just making conversation about how her week was and she said, "Oh, my gosh I bet you were glad that the call the other night with the knife turned out okay" I looked at her dumbfounded. She was like, you know the officer assist call? No, I didn't know...Officer assist calls are not something anyone takes lightly...they are the calls that make my husbands heart race...and HE had one? I knew nothing of the story. This was one of the stories that Andy had decided to keep to himself to not worry me and girls night told me the story anyway. My girlfriend was so sorry that she had told me, Andy was sorry he had not...we laugh about it now...and now we just don't talk about work at girls nights :)
What I have learned more than anything is that being married to a police officer is an honor. Yes we have a high divorce rate in their profession, but I would never let that deter me from marrying this man. Yes there are things that are unique to our lifestyle that most of our friends and families will never get or understand and that's okay. I am proud to call Andy my husband, my best friend, my lover, and my comic relief. His job ensures that my prayer life will never be stagnant. I can not live in fear everyday of the what ifs that his job brings. I love that little kids love his uniform and that he is their hero, I take pride that drunk women find my husband attractive, and I will always always be grateful when the garage door opens. Please don't feel sorry for us as police wives or mommies...our job is hard on days but it makes us better and stronger wives and moms. We are proud of our husbands, we think their uniform is sexy too, but to us it is so much more than a uniform. What is more sexy is their character, their love for us as their wives, their love for God as He protects them on the street, and their love and sacrifices they make daily for their family. Marry a man in uniform, it's life changing...but it seriously is a beautiful brotherhood both for the boys and for the women by their side.
I love you Andy and you are the best of the best of the best!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
What to do when your baby is no longer a bump on a log...
Long title, I know but once you've been writing a blog for a year short and sassy is just not coming out these days.
So we in our house have officially left bump on a log stage. Let me clarify by stating that I have never felt like Kadence is just a bump but no more are the days of cuddling in front of netflix like a bum for hours on end while baby sleeps and I binge watch some non important show (don't tell my shows). Gone are the days of a sleeping baby in a car seat while you are at the grocery store, in a restaurant, or anywhere else for that matter. Gone are the days mindless chew toys and activity mats. I know that my girl has been on the move for awhile now but it truly feels like over Christmas break she has had this huge leap developmentally and she's like a real human in there. She is mocking everything we say. When I am measuring out her bottle in the morning I count the scoops out loud (on another day maybe we should talk about how I now narrate EVERYTHING I do...I would like to say this only happens when Kadence is on my hip but the people at target would tell you otherwise) and now when I say 1 she say one (or what sounds like one) and so forth till we get to 4. She can say Jada, Daddy, Mama, yuck, hey, hi, and a lot of other random words. Daddy is my favorite to hear because she says it all the time. But she also knows just when to say it. The other morning Andy was coming in the garage from work and we had just finished her morning bottle. She was in complete silence and was listening to him come in the garage, put down his bag, and come up the steps before he had said anything and before she could see him she said daddy and started crawling towards the steps.
She also likes to "find my nose", clap, and "give kisses". She has a favorite book (Nugget and Fang) and she knows where to find it and what comes next.
She has started dancing and "singing" along to songs.
She has stated feeding her self, figuring out how to pour things out and how to put them back together.
She has figured out cause and effect.
When trying to show her how a sorting game worked the other morning, she figured out that instead of her doing it...I was much faster. So each time she would take it out and give it back to me so I could do it again, and again, and again.
The other night she had some ointment on her back and Jada was intrigued by the smell so Jada was following Kadence around. Kadence thought this was the funniest thing and soon realized that Jada would "chase" her wherever she went. Kadence then started crawling quickly from the tile to the carpet and back and forth getting Jada to follow her. When Jada stopped, Kadence still kept trying to get her to follow her. When Andy and I picked up on what she was doing, Andy got down on the ground and started chasing her too and that was just as much fun and then Jada got re-interested too.
Needless to say, this brain surgeon or freaking bright child we have on our hands is constantly thinking, learning, and figuring out this world. I have always been fascinated with child growth and development, language development and other things of the sort but watching your own child go through each stage and just watching them figure out the world is one of the most fascinating things I have ever experienced. I am in awe of God and how He is shaping her into a little human, who at 11 months is quite independent. I am in awe of how each day she seems to learn something new, tackle something that she hasn't done before, and I just keep thinking what happened to my baby?
So enough bragging and now for the "What to do now" stage. Here are some helpful tips for my moms out there that will get to this stage and reminders for myself:
1. Do not stay up late pinteresting or netflixing- you will need ALL of your energy and attention ready to go first thing in the AM
2. Start watching the words of you and the people around you (going back to work next week should be a treat...if I have the first 10 month old to say the f-word- I will kill a teenager...you have been warned)
3. Take baby proofing to a whole new level. It's not about gates. It's not about outlet covers...I'm talking tape over the tv buttons (so she can't turn off and on the TV). Chairs that were once chairs are now obstacle courses that you can go over and under. If you have a dog...figure out what the dog can do that the baby can't or shouldn't do. Since Kadence mocks people she also mocks Jada. So, jada can fit through the spindles on our stair case to get up stairs...Kadence...well...not so much- lol. But dang it if she didn't give it her best effort.
4. Sort through toys- sift through the bump on a log toys and toys that will actually keep her engaged. Thanks to Christmas we actually have toys that fit into that category now.
5. Sing and dance with them, get on the floor with them, mock them back...Kadence is always blown away that I know all the songs on pandora (thank God they are not hard...things like itsy bitsy spider and wheels on the bus help). She loves it when we all play in the ball pit, or when we all are cuddled up on the stuffed animals in the living room.
6. She is a sponge, she is taking it all in. Keep narrating, keep filling that head with things that you want her to take in and filtering out the things that you don't. It's so funny now because Andy and I will be watching a show on netflix and be like "Um, yeah this is trash we are turning this off...or sesame street it is" (because even the cartoons these days are awful)
7. Take time to breathe and take it all in. I think every stage I have thought this is my favorite stage and yet the journey continues and I love this stage too. I love this little human, I love that she is so clever, funny, and so full of life and joy! (I also wish that now I was on maternity leave so that I could "sleep when she sleeps" but I'll just have to settle for an early bed time)
8. This may just be a new winter thing (since this is the first winter that she's not a bump on a log and usually I am all about building up the immune system) but I am breaking out the hand sanitizer again and making these filthy animals of the rest of the world disinfect before putting their hands all over my adorable baby...germs people...germs.
9. In our house we have started doing art, fine motor things, and working on gross motor. Not like "school" by any means but I love me some good sensory activities and Kadence seems to enjoy them as well. Things that we can do together (since she is still in the let's put everything in our mouth stage)
10. I'm thinking about breaking out the moby again! Or my makeshift moby. I don't know if she will buy it but there are times when mommy needs her hands free and having her attached to my body would do us both good...well unless she screams bloody murder and then that won't really do any of us any good-lol
Parenting is so much fun and being a mom is a blast...I will take my snot covered shirts, and particles of food I find on me all day (let's be honest most are from Kadence but not all-lol), and the change of clothes I usually need after bath time because my girl loves to splash! I love this season, I love this girl and for my first time mommy's to be (there are so many of them in my life right now) I am so excited to watch you walk through this first year with your babies it is truly amazing!
p.s. what I have learned is that I should not blog after having several doses of caffeine today...sorry not sorry (can I even use that phrase at almost 30?)
So we in our house have officially left bump on a log stage. Let me clarify by stating that I have never felt like Kadence is just a bump but no more are the days of cuddling in front of netflix like a bum for hours on end while baby sleeps and I binge watch some non important show (don't tell my shows). Gone are the days of a sleeping baby in a car seat while you are at the grocery store, in a restaurant, or anywhere else for that matter. Gone are the days mindless chew toys and activity mats. I know that my girl has been on the move for awhile now but it truly feels like over Christmas break she has had this huge leap developmentally and she's like a real human in there. She is mocking everything we say. When I am measuring out her bottle in the morning I count the scoops out loud (on another day maybe we should talk about how I now narrate EVERYTHING I do...I would like to say this only happens when Kadence is on my hip but the people at target would tell you otherwise) and now when I say 1 she say one (or what sounds like one) and so forth till we get to 4. She can say Jada, Daddy, Mama, yuck, hey, hi, and a lot of other random words. Daddy is my favorite to hear because she says it all the time. But she also knows just when to say it. The other morning Andy was coming in the garage from work and we had just finished her morning bottle. She was in complete silence and was listening to him come in the garage, put down his bag, and come up the steps before he had said anything and before she could see him she said daddy and started crawling towards the steps.
She also likes to "find my nose", clap, and "give kisses". She has a favorite book (Nugget and Fang) and she knows where to find it and what comes next.
She has started dancing and "singing" along to songs.
She has stated feeding her self, figuring out how to pour things out and how to put them back together.
She has figured out cause and effect.
When trying to show her how a sorting game worked the other morning, she figured out that instead of her doing it...I was much faster. So each time she would take it out and give it back to me so I could do it again, and again, and again.
The other night she had some ointment on her back and Jada was intrigued by the smell so Jada was following Kadence around. Kadence thought this was the funniest thing and soon realized that Jada would "chase" her wherever she went. Kadence then started crawling quickly from the tile to the carpet and back and forth getting Jada to follow her. When Jada stopped, Kadence still kept trying to get her to follow her. When Andy and I picked up on what she was doing, Andy got down on the ground and started chasing her too and that was just as much fun and then Jada got re-interested too.
Needless to say, this brain surgeon or freaking bright child we have on our hands is constantly thinking, learning, and figuring out this world. I have always been fascinated with child growth and development, language development and other things of the sort but watching your own child go through each stage and just watching them figure out the world is one of the most fascinating things I have ever experienced. I am in awe of God and how He is shaping her into a little human, who at 11 months is quite independent. I am in awe of how each day she seems to learn something new, tackle something that she hasn't done before, and I just keep thinking what happened to my baby?
So enough bragging and now for the "What to do now" stage. Here are some helpful tips for my moms out there that will get to this stage and reminders for myself:
1. Do not stay up late pinteresting or netflixing- you will need ALL of your energy and attention ready to go first thing in the AM
2. Start watching the words of you and the people around you (going back to work next week should be a treat...if I have the first 10 month old to say the f-word- I will kill a teenager...you have been warned)
3. Take baby proofing to a whole new level. It's not about gates. It's not about outlet covers...I'm talking tape over the tv buttons (so she can't turn off and on the TV). Chairs that were once chairs are now obstacle courses that you can go over and under. If you have a dog...figure out what the dog can do that the baby can't or shouldn't do. Since Kadence mocks people she also mocks Jada. So, jada can fit through the spindles on our stair case to get up stairs...Kadence...well...not so much- lol. But dang it if she didn't give it her best effort.
4. Sort through toys- sift through the bump on a log toys and toys that will actually keep her engaged. Thanks to Christmas we actually have toys that fit into that category now.
5. Sing and dance with them, get on the floor with them, mock them back...Kadence is always blown away that I know all the songs on pandora (thank God they are not hard...things like itsy bitsy spider and wheels on the bus help). She loves it when we all play in the ball pit, or when we all are cuddled up on the stuffed animals in the living room.
6. She is a sponge, she is taking it all in. Keep narrating, keep filling that head with things that you want her to take in and filtering out the things that you don't. It's so funny now because Andy and I will be watching a show on netflix and be like "Um, yeah this is trash we are turning this off...or sesame street it is" (because even the cartoons these days are awful)
7. Take time to breathe and take it all in. I think every stage I have thought this is my favorite stage and yet the journey continues and I love this stage too. I love this little human, I love that she is so clever, funny, and so full of life and joy! (I also wish that now I was on maternity leave so that I could "sleep when she sleeps" but I'll just have to settle for an early bed time)
8. This may just be a new winter thing (since this is the first winter that she's not a bump on a log and usually I am all about building up the immune system) but I am breaking out the hand sanitizer again and making these filthy animals of the rest of the world disinfect before putting their hands all over my adorable baby...germs people...germs.
9. In our house we have started doing art, fine motor things, and working on gross motor. Not like "school" by any means but I love me some good sensory activities and Kadence seems to enjoy them as well. Things that we can do together (since she is still in the let's put everything in our mouth stage)
10. I'm thinking about breaking out the moby again! Or my makeshift moby. I don't know if she will buy it but there are times when mommy needs her hands free and having her attached to my body would do us both good...well unless she screams bloody murder and then that won't really do any of us any good-lol
Parenting is so much fun and being a mom is a blast...I will take my snot covered shirts, and particles of food I find on me all day (let's be honest most are from Kadence but not all-lol), and the change of clothes I usually need after bath time because my girl loves to splash! I love this season, I love this girl and for my first time mommy's to be (there are so many of them in my life right now) I am so excited to watch you walk through this first year with your babies it is truly amazing!
p.s. what I have learned is that I should not blog after having several doses of caffeine today...sorry not sorry (can I even use that phrase at almost 30?)
Monday, December 30, 2013
This mom in 2014!
2014 is gearing up to be quite an eventful year personally, professionally, and in my family. Not only will I have a 1 year old, a husband that will be working midnights, a work life that could change drastically in the course of a year, turning 30, and friends all over the place popping out new babies...2014 has the potential to be a whirlwind. Every year at this time I spend a lot of time reflecting on the past year and where I am going in the next. I don't make resolutions per-say as much as I am hyper aware of where I have been and my intentions of where I would like to go. Being a mom this year I find more of my reflecting is more along the lines of the type of mom I want to be. What themes or rhythms do I want Kadence to pick up on as far as what is important in our family life. So I made a list of 10 words that are my "priorities for this year" or words I will meditate on and see how my life crashes in with them. Here's some of my reflecting thus far:
1. God- I would like to say that serving God, seeking God, and leaning into God is a priority every year. Although I feel that this is true the depth of seeking God is so much more intimate now that I am a mom. Not only do I have my own spiritual walk with Jesus, I now have been charged with teaching a small human about the love of Jesus. So I wrestle with how to make Jesus come alive to a 1year old. Is it possible to convey God's love, mercy, and grace to a 1 year old? Is it possible to make God's word come alive in away that she can comprehend even on the basic levels? Even now in her little life is she figuring out that mommy and daddy love Jesus? Is she picking up that prayer, scripture, and serving others are foundations in our family? Are we living our life in such a way that they are?
2. Family- Having a husband that works midnights, a mommy that works 9-5 and then some, and a 1 year old not in daycare can lead to some fun challenges when it comes to family time. Just the calendar alone laughs at me when I put our schedules together. Yet in the midst of our calendars, we find time for date nights and family nights in. We find ways to manipulate time out of our day so that our little family unit of 4 (Jada is always apart of our mix) can continue to stay close. 2014 will bring its challenges and satan will try to destroy our intentions. Kadence is not as quiet as she once was which leads to challenges when Andy tries to sleep. We will have to continue to insist on boundaries, ignoring phone calls and texts when needed, and continue to work on our communication but we are determined that our family is and will continue to be a priority in 2014. We will also be praying about when to grow our family again. I also feel that marriage will be a focal point in 2014, ours and others. Ever since getting married I have been passionate about marriages. Not just marriage but beautiful marriages, marriages that thrive, that are fun, and ones that have God at the center of them. I will make this a priority in my own home but I will also be praying for ways that in our church and in our community that marriages can be a priority.
3. Friendship- I specifically am talking about mommy friends and church friends. I lack at both of them. I am starting to wonder if the problem is with me (I will accept this if true). I need friends at church that actually want to be more than "lobby" friends. I need friends that know the highs and lows in my life and I want to know that in theirs. I want them to ask the hard questions about how my soul is and sit long enough to know when I am giving them the "easy" answer. I want friends I can craft with, drink coffee with, and talk about how God is crashing into our lives together. I want mommy friends that you can go to the park with, celebrate milestones with, and gets excited about all my sensory activities I like to do. I want friends that don't see "Pro Deo Kylie" but can just see me as a girl that struggles to be the woman, wife, and child of God that Jesus has made her on a daily basis. I secretly miss Holly and Rebecca and try not to hold new friends up to that "standard", I am mourning that they are not in my everyday life and any deep friendship I have will need to embrace this. I don't need you to replace them but I need you to know that my heart aches for them to be with me. I also need friends that are persistent, I have for so long not made friendship be a priority that I kind of have forgotten how to be a friend or have friends so please extend grace and don't give up on me.
4. Health- This is not about weight, working out, or anything of the such. It's more about living a life of balance and one that my own health is important to me. Sometimes when you are so busy taking care of others your own health (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) takes a back burner to the needs of others. Here's to being healthy because it is the right thing to do, because I want to live a long life with my little girl, and because I don't want to crop myself out of every picture that is ever taken of my family (lol) not because there is a cute bathing suit, a fancy vacation, or a wedding that I need to give it my all for. My family is enough...
5. Self-care, healing, discipline, slowness, intentional, and simple...these are all words that go against the way I find myself living my life at times. These words challenge me, humble me, and give me plenty to wrestle with. In 2014 I will continue to wrestle with these words. I will continue to find my path...one that seeks Jesus and being a mom and then lets everything else fall where they may. I know that 2014 has the potential to be the year that when we get to next December we find ourselves saying where did this year go? Today I am vowing to be intentional, seek discipline in all aspects of my life, and embrace the simple pleasures that are my beautiful journey I call my life.
Here's to 2014!
Sunday, December 8, 2013
A different kind of Christmas for me...
I won't bore you with all of my family baggage (mainly because I have already shared most of it ;)) But most people know that I have not been a Christmas girl for a very long time. My first year of marriage where you should be focussing on forming new family traditions with your husband I was busy burying my father after his battle with Cancer. The next year we buried Grandpa, the next 2 were taking care of teenagers in crisis...all leading up to last year where Advent in our life was spent anticipating our child, preparing a home for her, picking out a name for her, and spending lots of time in prayer for her. In all of those years there was grief, fear, anticipation, pain, wrestling with the realities of the world. Even last year when we were so blessed beyond belief, I couldn't help but let the fear seep in. Christmas for so many years has been dark, gloomy, and the fake-est of smiles I could put on.
As tomorrow we are marking the 5 year anniversary of my grandfathers passing, I can't help but notice this Advent is COMPLETELY different. I miss my grandfather like crazy and wish that Kadence would have gotten the opportunity to meet him (in my Childlike concept of heaven and Jesus I am confident they did meet) . But, this year is all smiles for this girl. All smiles, joy, a heart FULL of praise (I seriously sit in worship and I feel like my heart is going to split at the seams because I am so thankful for the storms that we have walked through and the sweet beauty in our life now). For me this year for Advent, I kind of went crazy but honestly it wasn't out of my need to be a "pinterest mom" or "Martha Stewart" on my home and family it was out of a mere child's heart (my own) taking all the joy that I haven't had in 6 years and releasing it all this year. I find myself singing holiday hymns as I go through the aisles at the grocery store, I find myself wanting to buy gifts for people just because, I find myself sitting on the couch with the whole house asleep and I am staring at the lights on the christmas tree in awe of it's beauty.
Being in awe of the Christmas tree is not something new for me but I think it's neat that this year, this new beginning for our family just also happens to be the year that when we went to put our Christmas tree up this year it was not the same one from last year, someone had replaced it. It's also the same year that Andy and I switched out some of our bulbs on our tree not for any significance but just to change it up. But, now as I am sitting here starring at the tree and once again in awe of its beauty I am loving how God is blessing me in the little things. This Christmas we started over, I haven't forgotten my pain or grief, but this year the tree that I had stared at for many years while I cried out to God in pain and sadness is not there. What's there now is another tree, a little fuller, with more sparkle, and a little brighter and I can't help but feel the same way. We got a new tree for our new Advent.
So this year with me changing and healing, I will admit that as much as Kadence is participating in Advent it is more about me than her when it comes to Advent. It is good for ME to slow down during this season. It is good for ME to be generous and take care of others. It is good for ME to make family time special. It is good for ME to be at home more, making a conscious effort everyday to have some sort of family activity and really focusing on engaging with Kadence. I am learning so much about me, my walk with God, me as a mom, and healing through this Advent season. I know that Kadence is not running into the nursery on Sunday morning telling all the other kids, "Wow, we are celebrating advent this year and last night I got to play in red and green spaghetti... thank goodness because now I have such a better handle on that whole Christmas story" but I do think she is witnessing and taking part in the magic of Christmas, the silliness that has been unleashed just for pure joy of the season, the warmth that is filling our home, and she is building holiday traditions (not that when she is 15will we put her in the tub, pour red and green spaghetti on her, and take pictures- but you get my point-lol).
Heres to letting God heal, believing that the pain is not the END of the journey, that I am not defined by my grief but set free to experience Christmas in a whole new way...through the joy of a child as we enjoy Christmas together this year as a family :)
As tomorrow we are marking the 5 year anniversary of my grandfathers passing, I can't help but notice this Advent is COMPLETELY different. I miss my grandfather like crazy and wish that Kadence would have gotten the opportunity to meet him (in my Childlike concept of heaven and Jesus I am confident they did meet) . But, this year is all smiles for this girl. All smiles, joy, a heart FULL of praise (I seriously sit in worship and I feel like my heart is going to split at the seams because I am so thankful for the storms that we have walked through and the sweet beauty in our life now). For me this year for Advent, I kind of went crazy but honestly it wasn't out of my need to be a "pinterest mom" or "Martha Stewart" on my home and family it was out of a mere child's heart (my own) taking all the joy that I haven't had in 6 years and releasing it all this year. I find myself singing holiday hymns as I go through the aisles at the grocery store, I find myself wanting to buy gifts for people just because, I find myself sitting on the couch with the whole house asleep and I am staring at the lights on the christmas tree in awe of it's beauty.
Being in awe of the Christmas tree is not something new for me but I think it's neat that this year, this new beginning for our family just also happens to be the year that when we went to put our Christmas tree up this year it was not the same one from last year, someone had replaced it. It's also the same year that Andy and I switched out some of our bulbs on our tree not for any significance but just to change it up. But, now as I am sitting here starring at the tree and once again in awe of its beauty I am loving how God is blessing me in the little things. This Christmas we started over, I haven't forgotten my pain or grief, but this year the tree that I had stared at for many years while I cried out to God in pain and sadness is not there. What's there now is another tree, a little fuller, with more sparkle, and a little brighter and I can't help but feel the same way. We got a new tree for our new Advent.
So this year with me changing and healing, I will admit that as much as Kadence is participating in Advent it is more about me than her when it comes to Advent. It is good for ME to slow down during this season. It is good for ME to be generous and take care of others. It is good for ME to make family time special. It is good for ME to be at home more, making a conscious effort everyday to have some sort of family activity and really focusing on engaging with Kadence. I am learning so much about me, my walk with God, me as a mom, and healing through this Advent season. I know that Kadence is not running into the nursery on Sunday morning telling all the other kids, "Wow, we are celebrating advent this year and last night I got to play in red and green spaghetti... thank goodness because now I have such a better handle on that whole Christmas story" but I do think she is witnessing and taking part in the magic of Christmas, the silliness that has been unleashed just for pure joy of the season, the warmth that is filling our home, and she is building holiday traditions (not that when she is 15will we put her in the tub, pour red and green spaghetti on her, and take pictures- but you get my point-lol).
Heres to letting God heal, believing that the pain is not the END of the journey, that I am not defined by my grief but set free to experience Christmas in a whole new way...through the joy of a child as we enjoy Christmas together this year as a family :)
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Grateful for the things I didn't know were missing...
1. The art of wrangling a 9 month old into her sleeper (I really think wrestling a greased pig might be easier)
2. Giving a bath to K and getting just as soaked as she splashed about with glee
3. Doing the dishes and feeling little hands pulling up on your legs because she wants to stand next to you
4. Watching her awe as she discovers new sounds, voices, textures, and effects of things she does
5. how much just seeing herself in the mirror would bring the both of us delight and laughter
6. Sitting under the heated blanket in the morning as we do our morning feed with no one else around or awake and no noise...just mommy and Kadence cuddled up and taking each other in
7. How much excitement a pile of books can bring Miss K, she could sit all day with a pile of books and I love to read to her, listen to Andy read to her (that is truly the best), or listen to her talk as she tries reading them to herself
8. I love how she responds to Abby Cadabby from sesame street and yet she had never seen sesame street before but when Abby comes on TV or she sees something with Abby in a store she instantly starts squealing with delight
9. I love that at night I put Kadence to bed with her bear on the heart beat setting and her G-Pass (her giraffe pacifier) and then when I wake up in the morning she is holding her bear but it is now on the music setting and she is sucking on her G-Pass. Earlier this week I walked in on this but she was rocking her bear, with the music on, while sucking on her G-Pass
10. I love it when she cries, because her tears pierce my heart and I am reminded every time one of her tears fall the depth of my love for her
11. I love her adventure side and that she is always wanting to try something new (and usually a little scary to mommy) and that she has a knack for finding the smallest, tiniest, piece of anything anywhere and pick it up and that makes her feel so accomplished
12. I love to watch her clap
13. I even love the separation anxiety that has kicked in this week...it makes everything take even longer than it already did but cuddling that girl rocks my world
14. Her open mouthed kisses that are just a bit more slobbery than the average persons
15. Watching her and Andy play together and watching her giggle or squeal when he even walks in the door from work
16. Taking care of a sick baby and all the emotions that come with not being able to make her better
I also love how such a tiny little girl can seem like she understands so much of the world that is going on around her. On friday, while we were sitting at the table in the court room Kadence was disinterested in our lawyer and the things he was talking about. She would rather have been beating on the table or attacking some toy I had recovered from the diaper bag. But there were two times (at least) that melted my heart on Friday and made me question what all she was taking in for the day. The first was when the lawyer was asking me my questions...he asked a series of questions and through all of the questions Kadence was just minding her own business and I was answering yes to his questions. Then he asked, Are you here today before the courts desiring to be Kadence's mommy forever? At that moment Kadence stopped what she was doing and looked me right in the eyes and as I looked back at her I replied absolutely as I choked backed my tears. Then at the conclusion of the court the judge is rattling off everything she has to say (which is a lot) and then she says on this date, at this time I officially declare the adoption and then said Kadence's whole name with her new last name official and Kadence's started clapping...it's the little things like this that make my heart ponder how much does that little soul pick up on...if she picked up on nothing or all of it, it's a day for the books!
Sigh...My life is blessed, my family and I have so much to be thankful for this year. We do not take lightly the blessings that God has bestowed upon us this year. This little girl has my heart, my soul, my everything...I knew I wanted to be a mommy, I knew I would love being a mommy...I did not know however that these were the things that were missing from my life and that they would be the things I love most about my day to day life these days.
Happy Thanksgiving from our grateful family of 4! (Andy, Momma Bear, K, and Jada)
Friday, November 22, 2013
Miracle week...
Do you ever have those weeks where you are just like...THAT was ordained by God? This week in the world of babies God was faithful!
Monday, one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Most babies being born are beautiful but this baby is a miracle! Her mommy, much like me was diagnosed with PCOS. Her mommy, much like me had trouble conceiving but through the help of fertility stuff they were able to conceive two boys earlier in their marriage. My friend still longed for a baby girl but had decided that 2 boys and they were probably done. Soon after making the decision that THEY were done, God was not! She conceived a baby with no doctors, no fertility, and no planning. She had decided in her head that it was a boy (since history would lead you to believe that). I remember the 4th of july week when she went to have her gender reveal ultrasound and when it came through that it was a girl, I went CRAZY! God had answered the longings of her heart! God had heard the desires of her heart, and created a miracle in such a way that this baby girl would never be able to deny that SHE is indeed a gift from God, a mommy's answered prayers...God showing off with the impossible...and we as his people are left in awe of His timing and his glory!
Flash forward to Wednesday and another set of our dear friends went to the hospital to witness the induction of their first baby being born through adoption. Come Thursday morning, there was beautiful baby boy born into this world. This mommy is very near to my heart because we walked through the pain of infertility, of painful baby showers, of wrestling with God through it all. She is bigger than me, because she was so supportive when we had Kadence...I am pretty sure if it would have been the other way around I would have thrown a two year old's temper tantrum (I pray that would not really have been true, but I think it might have been). They have been on the whirlwind of adoption and although so many things in our story are similar (down to the same lawyers, social workers, etc) there is so much in our story that is different. But I am so grateful for a sisterhood that brings us together, someone else that can walk through the beauty of a private adoption. Someone who knows the emotions of watching someone be in labor on your behalf. Someone who knows the anxiety of the 48hours after birth while you wait in expectance of the paperwork to be filled out. God brings us together and these babies together to watch his beautiful story unfold!
Then today, God brings finalization to our adoption process...it's crazy to think that this time last year I was just finding out that Kadence and that she had been conceived...and today we walk into the court with our families and a couple dear friends and stand before a judge.
I started this blog initially for my own processing. Without intending to the blog turned out to be ministering to others (people starting the adoption process, people who had lost babies, people who just needed to know that God was at work). So, my thoughts for today is that if you are where I was a year ago (a very dark place) and so broken, so burnt out...thinking God has forgotten you, that God is answering every prayer except for yours...if you have given up all hope...I tell you that God is still working...please don't give up on Him! Three mommies all this week experiencing God's gratefulness and goodness and breathing in our sweet miracles after long hard journeys and prayers that seemed like they were hitting the ceiling. I now look back and sometimes chuckle with God and apologizing for how mean and harsh I was to him out of my anger. I tell you now a year later that miracles happen, healing takes place, He answers prayers, and he restores lives and hearts that are broken.
Off to go get ready for court!
Monday, one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Most babies being born are beautiful but this baby is a miracle! Her mommy, much like me was diagnosed with PCOS. Her mommy, much like me had trouble conceiving but through the help of fertility stuff they were able to conceive two boys earlier in their marriage. My friend still longed for a baby girl but had decided that 2 boys and they were probably done. Soon after making the decision that THEY were done, God was not! She conceived a baby with no doctors, no fertility, and no planning. She had decided in her head that it was a boy (since history would lead you to believe that). I remember the 4th of july week when she went to have her gender reveal ultrasound and when it came through that it was a girl, I went CRAZY! God had answered the longings of her heart! God had heard the desires of her heart, and created a miracle in such a way that this baby girl would never be able to deny that SHE is indeed a gift from God, a mommy's answered prayers...God showing off with the impossible...and we as his people are left in awe of His timing and his glory!
Flash forward to Wednesday and another set of our dear friends went to the hospital to witness the induction of their first baby being born through adoption. Come Thursday morning, there was beautiful baby boy born into this world. This mommy is very near to my heart because we walked through the pain of infertility, of painful baby showers, of wrestling with God through it all. She is bigger than me, because she was so supportive when we had Kadence...I am pretty sure if it would have been the other way around I would have thrown a two year old's temper tantrum (I pray that would not really have been true, but I think it might have been). They have been on the whirlwind of adoption and although so many things in our story are similar (down to the same lawyers, social workers, etc) there is so much in our story that is different. But I am so grateful for a sisterhood that brings us together, someone else that can walk through the beauty of a private adoption. Someone who knows the emotions of watching someone be in labor on your behalf. Someone who knows the anxiety of the 48hours after birth while you wait in expectance of the paperwork to be filled out. God brings us together and these babies together to watch his beautiful story unfold!
Then today, God brings finalization to our adoption process...it's crazy to think that this time last year I was just finding out that Kadence and that she had been conceived...and today we walk into the court with our families and a couple dear friends and stand before a judge.
I started this blog initially for my own processing. Without intending to the blog turned out to be ministering to others (people starting the adoption process, people who had lost babies, people who just needed to know that God was at work). So, my thoughts for today is that if you are where I was a year ago (a very dark place) and so broken, so burnt out...thinking God has forgotten you, that God is answering every prayer except for yours...if you have given up all hope...I tell you that God is still working...please don't give up on Him! Three mommies all this week experiencing God's gratefulness and goodness and breathing in our sweet miracles after long hard journeys and prayers that seemed like they were hitting the ceiling. I now look back and sometimes chuckle with God and apologizing for how mean and harsh I was to him out of my anger. I tell you now a year later that miracles happen, healing takes place, He answers prayers, and he restores lives and hearts that are broken.
Off to go get ready for court!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Dear Kadence,
I know that you are too little to read this and you may even be too small to really get the significance of this week. You may just walk away this week thinking...wow my mommy sure has hugged me more than usual (and that's a lot) and wow mom and daddy are shedding lots of tears and everyone seems to be crying but happy...and this might confuse you greatly because you have yet figured out the beauty of shedding tears out of joy, shedding tears because you are overwhelmed by God's greatness and faithfulness. As your mommy I pray that you will get to experience these tears at some point in your journey because these tears are priceless. These tears are healing. These tears teach me as your mommy that God has not forgotten us, that He is still making and creating miracles, that He heard me many a days and nights as I cried out for you because I longed to be your mommy. The tears I shed are tears of exhaustion as this journey has been long and to see the end yet the beginning of a new journey is beautiful, they are tears of a weight being lifted because I have been so scared of what my life would look life if you weren't in it. These tears speak more than I could ever properly articulate. I hope that one day when you are reading this and looking at pictures from this week you can see our overwhelming love for you and how much you being in our life completes us and makes us better as a mommy and daddy and as husband and wife and how your mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus. This journey to you and through the last nine months is not a journey I would trade for the world! This week is everything we have been working towards for the last nine months. See for you, my little sunshine, this week is where daddy and I are switched from being "temporary guardians" to you "official" parents. This is something that in our hearts took place the moment we saw you on the sonogram for the first time, when we heard your heart beat for the first time, and then again in that hospital room when all the lights were off but one and you rested on my chest and I was in too much awe to even produce tears. From that first moment there were no papers that I needed signed that would make me "more" your mom. But for all legal purposes the "system" will now recognize you as our child and us as your parents...so for better or worse you are ours. A lot of people when trying to conceive a child and can't, look at Adoption as the back up plan. But for us adoption was never the back up plan, we had prayed for a child and were confident God was orchestrating that plan. Now, don't get me wrong I think pregnancy is beautiful and your birth mom was gorgeous with you in her belly...but I love OUR story. I love that God brought two families together that love you so much! I love that God knew the exact timing we would get you, when your court date would be, and everything in between. I think it's beautiful that our court date is 9 months from when you were born just like in pregnancy...for 9 months I have gotten to carry you, feed you, care for you, be up at night when you couldn't sleep but I get the rare privilege of knowing your heart and seeing your smile and knowing what my heart does when it is around yours. There is no doubt about it from the moment you were conceived God was lining up our stories for you to be my daughter and me to be your mommy. The amount of joy, purpose, love, awe, and beauty you have brought to the last nine months of my life is indescribable. You are loved more than your nine month brain or heart can comprehend! You are surrounded by a mommy and daddy that would go to the ends of the earth for you. You have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that when you are around their world is a better place. You have teens in your life that you are modeling for them what it means to have a healthy relationship with a parent and what unconditional love looks like. You, just by your smile alone, are bringing joy to their day and some needed just that to make it through their day. You are surrounded by a church community that loves you, stalks you on facebook, and longs for the days that they get the opportunity to serve you, serve with you, and to tell you about Jesus. You have God parents on opposite sides of the world, that don't get to hold you on a daily basis but they are living their life for Jesus and loving you by their prayers for you and for your walk with Jesus. You are loved by a whole community of people here and around the world that pray for you, that know you are an answered prayer and that you have been put in this story for such a time as this. You are loved by your birth family that as much as this week is a journey for us, we would not be where we are today without them. We thank them daily for trusting us with loving you for the rest of your life! So Miss K, this week might be a whirlwind for you but never forget that God is at work, that mommy and daddy love you and we commit to you today (and Friday in front of a judge) that everyday from here until eternity we are committed to being your mommy and daddy and everything that entails! Here's to the many days, weeks, and years of love, encouragement, fun times, hard times, tears, and everything in between that our life will entail!
Loving you forever and ever and then even more, Mommy
Loving you forever and ever and then even more, Mommy
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