When you can't process, you blog...

So if you have spent anytime at all on my Facebook, or on social media at all over the last few days you have probably seen Josh's story. You have probably seen this unfolding nightmare that came out of nowhere...I just read a horrific version of this story which is probably accurate but as Josh and Melissa's friend it was VERY hard to read! So I decided to write my own story...

Meet Josh and Melissa- I met Josh through Andy when Josh and Melissa were expecting their twins. Josh and Andy worked the same wheel and same shift together. Andy told Josh that I was at home at night and could help out when their twins were born. Who knew that would be the beginning of something so beautiful. The girls were born in December of that year and over that next year Melissa and I did a lot of rocking, changing diapers, feeding, and holding sleeping babies while we laughed, cried and bonded. It was over the course of this, sour patch kids, sweet tea, and countless chick flicks that Melissa and I grew to be friends. Melissa was always a hard worker, always calm, always crafty, always the comforter. Over the years Andy and I continued to grow closer to Josh and Melissa and their children. They joined our church, we did countless lunch/dinner times together, dog sitting and our lives continued to get knit together...they are our people. 

Somewhere along that journey Andy and I started Pro Deo and for as long as I can remember they have helped out with Pro Deo. Josh grilling out hot dogs, bringing the twins over to eat at our house with the teens, Josh driving for events, delivering Christmas presents to our teens. Melissa helping at girls night, bringing food for events...you need anything and one or both of them are there. This past August I was able to bring Melissa on as our Administrative Director because her skill set works really well at balancing my...well let's say LOUD self. She keeps me organized, on task, takes all of the burdens of daily life off of me...in many regards I wouldn't be "me" if it wasn't for her. 

So let me tell you about what I know about Josh through our friendship with them:

Josh LOVES his job! He loves being a cop, he loves being a part of that brotherhood. He helps out on the department with things they are doing, takes overtime where he can, and always goes above and beyond the call of duty. He within the past year got promoted to being a detective which he also LOVES! He is proud of the work he does, he is proud of what he brings to the department, and he works very hard at what he does. 

Josh LOVES his family. When Josh is not at work you can find him playing zombie games, sword fights with his girls, being a super hero (I mean who has twin girls and by the time they were 4 could pretty much name most if not all the marvel characters), or wrestling around. You can always see the spark in his eye that he has for his wife and anytime she would let him he would steal a kiss from her. He is in all aspects of the word a family man and a man that loves them to their core. 

I guess I got so emotional reading some of the stories that are out there now on Josh because they may share the "facts" but they don't know Josh. They don't know that he will bust his ass to be a Husband, father, and cop again. He will and is fighting every day to walk out of that hospital. Their story doesn't depict the hope that comes when a whole community steps up and prays for a man's journey.  Their story doesn't show the power of what God can do or the healing that can take place. Their story doesn't show the ripple effect that his story is having on this community. This family is LOVED, this family has HOPE, this family is FIGHTING...so you may have the facts but I know that God is greater than the facts. God can heal Josh, God can comfort Melissa, God can continue to raise up an army to take care of their family. So I might not be a journalist but what I can tell you is that there is HOPE. 

One more thing I am processing through this all:

I am proud of the LSPD. Being a police officer in this world is not glamorous any more. I get on Facebook daily only to find another post of F the police. Gone are the days where little kids long to be police officers. Everyone wants to talk about what cop stopped them, how this cop made the wrong choice, etc, etc. As a wife who loves her police officer it has been an INCREDIBLY hard year listening to all of the criticism of his profession. But in a situation like Josh's there is no other field I would rather my husband be in. What other field could you be in where your co-workers are there around the clock supporting you, they are around the clock taking care of your spouse and children. They are taking care of meals, working on the lawn, getting chocolate milk for the girls' breakfast...this "brotherhood" people speak of is real, it is powerful, and it is profoundly humbling to watch it unfold before my eyes. So say what you want about police officers but this department has knocked my socks off in my expectations for what a brotherhood would be like and I am proud to be a part of this family.

Josh- We love you. We are praying for you fervently...and banding together with the rest of the community taking care of your family so that you can focus on the fight ahead of you. Sending you hugs and prayers constantly. 

Melissa- Girlfriend...you have got some badass super hero strength(maybe that's why Josh is such a huge fan of yours)! I am in awe of the week you have had and your ability to walk through each day. I admire you for how you take each day and how you stand by Josh through this all while caring for your precious babies. I admire your strength even when you don't feel like you have any. I admire you as a wife and a mom. Your journey ahead of you is going to be long, it's probably going to be hard...we will not leave you. Not after this week, not after this year, we are in this forever with you, we are committed to you and to your family. When your strength is gone, when calm cucumber has walked out the door...we will come pick you up for some sour patch kids till our tongues are numb and then we will go back hand and hand to face the day again. 

This feels more like what I wanted to read tonight...these are the other "facts"

The Grant that saved my life...

In non-profit work you have grants. You write grants, you receive grants (fingers crossed-lol), and life  can operate on a grant cycle. This past fall/winter we applied for a grant. It was a grant for healthy lifestyles. Although I was excited about the ideas and the prospects for potential community partners I had no idea the impact it would have on my personal life. I knew when we submitted the grant that if we had received it that we had to be all in from top management all the way down. I couldn't require teens that have no natural desire for healthy living to make such drastic changes if I too wasn't willing to go on the journey. It should make sense that this was my approach sense we run our organization with the "with" mentality. I want to be in the trenches WITH my people...so I knew the first step to this was I needed to make a doctors appointment to deal with some annoying things I had tried to avoid/ignore for going on a year now. To spare you all of the medical details my GI was/is messed up and that was a nice understatement. This decision to deal with this was not an easy one, not a cheap one, and not one that I was terribly excited to address but knew it needed to be done. The week we got word that we got the grant was a horrible week in my life- one that was filled with tears and much stress...I was a mess to say the least. I remember sitting at the coffee shop processing all that was going on and making the realization of the changes that getting this grant were going to mean for me and my family. As testing continued, dr visits continued to accumulate here I was at the crossroads...then there was spring break and the grant was officially kicking off...and the phone rang...

It was the doctor and although they had several tests that were still out (and still actually are as I type this) they had discovered at least one piece of the puzzle and that was that I had something "cool" called Gastroparesis (I still to this day have hit or miss days on being able to spell that awesome name) and to set up a meeting to meet with the doctor again. We met and as we started processing things I was well aware that my life was changing before my very eyes. At first I was in denial- at first I googled everything and was like this is SO not me...but then I did some more research (beyond google, WebMD, and the Mayo Clinic) and what I found were real people that had been suffering for way to long like me with out a diagnosis. Things that I couldn't put into words, things I had shook off as just my "quirks" and had no idea they were all tied together. What I found were lifestyle changes that I was having to make. More sleep, less stress (I actually am doing really poorly with the first two on many days), less fat, very little fiber, and the worst no blueberries or strawberries...I was confident that I was not going to be defined by my "diagnosis" since I struggled with that so long with PCOS too. The more I read and the more changes I have been making the more that I feel like this is the route I am to be taking. I am only two weeks in to my "new life", I still have bad days where I struggle just to function but I have been experiencing the bad days for so long that I have learned how to plow through them and put a smile on my face. If anything it has given me the freedom to say out loud that I don't feel well after I eat or when a certain meal makes things worse. It has also made me not feel like I'm crazy and that all of this pain I have been enduring was not "just in my head" or something else. It also has made me a student of my own body- figuring out how it is supposed to work, what helps and what hurts it and to learn everything I can to better me. 

So here I am two weeks in, appreciative for a grant that helped me take the courage and be brave to go to the doctor. To a grant that is making the means available for the people in my life and myself to seek a healthy lifestyle together, eat healthy together, and discover these changes together. Taking the bodies that God has given us, embracing them and all of their quirks, and becoming our own advocate and deciding to live well with whatever path we are given. So thanks to our grantors, to the drs, to the teens in this journey too, to Melissa that posts encouraging pictures for the teens that actually helps me too, for my fitness pal, and for my hubby who has been so encouraging and supportive through this whole life change. My life is different now and as more tests come in I am sure my life will continue to change but for now I am grateful to learn the things I am, and have the opportunity to be in the trenches with others making their lives better. Accepting this, advocating for me, and believing that God is creating a good work in me and that he can heal things even when medicine says it's not possible... 

That's what's been going on over here and what happens when a grant actually has the potential to change your life...not just in a financial blessing...but protecting and saving my health and the health of the people I love...GRATEFUL

To my second daughter...

Two weeks ago we welcomed another child into our home, she's 17, and she stole my heart a long time before she had a bed in my home...this letter is for her...

To my daughter,
I do not pick my words lightly. God has woven your story into my story and I am forever grateful and forever changed because of our relationship. I know that I didn't birth you, didn't raise you, and only have three years under my belt at loving you but I want you to know that I loved you the moment you walked through my doors. But what I thought was love then is so much deeper than any words could ever express today. Every path and part of your story that we have been on since then has made this moment in time where we are at so much sweeter. I don't take it lightly the pain you have endured or the moments that have made up your journey up to this point. There are really painful moments in your journey that are burned into my memory forever but they no longer make me sad for you they make me incredibly proud of you. You have let God take so much brokenness and make it beautiful. You are one of the most incredible young women I have ever met and I am proud to know you. I see your tender heart and it makes me want to wrap my arms around you and nurture you. I want you to know that these arms will be here to hold you on the good days and on the hard days when the world has been unfair or unloving. I am here to listen, to love, to be a sounding board, and to encourage you to continue to fight. I want you to know that I see your beauty- I see your smile, your eyes the way they lights up and I find myself praying for the man that will be your husband. I pray that he will love you well. He will speak your love language. I pray that he will treat you in every way that you deserve but have yet to experience. I pray that he will be a man of God that will lead you into a deeper relationship with Christ. I pray that he would nurture you, protect you, and love you selflessly. I see your servants heart and how you love others and I am proud to know you. I see how tender your heart is when you love and I know that God is going to use that as you grow to love others, to be an excellent wife, and an amazing mom, and follower of Jesus. You are so special, I hope you know that. They don't make people like you- people that have endured the things you have endured and can still come through the trenches and see the glass as half full and still have a child like heart. You are a fighter and stronger than most of the people I have met. Thanks for not giving up when it gets hard! Your courage you have showed me over the last threenyears and even more so these past 4 months is a force to be reckoned with. Thanks for letting me love you, I love that loving you is part of my daily life...I am better for getting to love you. I thank you for trusting me on this journey- trusting me and all the people I throw at you. :) Thanks for letting them be a part of your journey too. I am here for the fun- the countless nexflix hours we will take part in, the laughing, shopping, the arts and crafts, the cooking, the coffee...it is all so much fun! I am also here for the pain- when girls are hateful, when people treat you in a way you don't deserve to be treated, when a boy is dumb and breaks your heart, or when you are just exhausted from your journey I am here to rock you (literally) or just hug you and listen to the pain of it all. I want you to know that I am not going anywhere- that I am in this for the long haul- you get me for better or worse from this day forward ( I feel like I made this vow in my heart to you a long time ago-but if you in't know it-I'm telling you today)...I am confident you didn't know you were walking into all of this when I met you for the first time and in all fairness I didn't know that I was getting all of this either but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thanks for being in my home, teaching me how to love, and adding another level of joy to our home. We are blessed and can't imagine our life without you.

We love you! 

All up in my feelings...

God is active, and moving, and healing, and hearing, and changing, and shaking this world I live in...

I'm all up in my feelings today- maybe it's because the sweater I wore today was the sweater I wore when I was doing skin to skin contact with Kadence for the first time in the delivery room. I remember watching our birth mom go through contractions and remember wishing that I could give that for Kadence and then realizing the beauty of watching someone so brave and strong do just that. I remember when the nurse placed Kadence in my arms...I remember her gooey eyes and how stinking hungry and alert she was...I remember staying up all night and just being in awe of her story, of my story and God's love for our family...

Maybe I am up in my feelings because it was this week two years ago that Andy and I got to see Kadence for the first time on a sonogram, got to hear her heart beat...and now nightly when she is in my arms I hear that same heart beat beat up against mine.

Maybe I am up in my feelings today because even when I see God's face all over my daily life there are still hard days when I long for more. The pain of adding to our family is real. I long for more children, I long to watch my family grow and I know that we, as Kylie and Andy, can't do that on our own. It hurts to get down to the nitty gritty emotions and feel so helpless in the adoption journey. The wait, the longing...it's all very real. The holding on to baby things, thinking will we ever need these again? I want to be in awe of how God is continuing to write this story but in some of my realest moments I am scared, in my realest honesty it is hard and I want to loose hope. The pain of not conceiving is real, the pain of people not choosing adoption is real, the pain of wrestling through all of this with Jesus is very real.

Maybe I am up in my feelings today because we have entered the "birthday month" the month where Kadence, myself, my mother in law, one of my best friends, and everyone in between is having a birthday and I find myself reflecting when and how am I the best me I can be? Where have I been, where am I going? Am I someone that Jesus would trust with others hearts? Am I the follower of Jesus that I long to be? Am I the mom, friend, wife, leader that I feel Jesus has called me to be? There is a lot of reflection and a lot of evaluating that takes place.

Maybe I am up in my feelings because this week marks the three month marker of a really important event in the life of someone I love so much. Her making the decision to be clean flipped my life upside down, in the best of ways...it has been a long journey and we are only three months in. I have learned a lot about boundaries, walking when it's hard, and how to piss off a teenager (lol)...I'm actually really good at it...but I am so incredibly proud of where she has been and where she is going. I am proud of the tears she has shed to get here and that she puts in the work and pushes forward when it gets tough. I am proud of the community that I live in that has stepped up to the plate to surround her. They have surrounded her with meals, toiletries, incentives, rides, an ear to hear her, and so much more. For 90 days, we have watched this young girl choose sobriety and it gets me all up in my feelings because I love her in a way that tears my heart to pieces in the best of ways and I am so proud of her!

Maybe I am up in my feelings today because I don't get a lot of time in my life where I can just fall apart at the seams and curl up in the fetal position and cry(lol)- it doesn't matter if the tears are happy or sad. Sometimes I just need unplanned times to be me and deal with my heart. Today is one of those days. It could be that I have had a really emotionally draining yet empowering month at work. I've had to do some really hard things but yet have seen God's blessings all over those decisions and know that our organization is healthier because of the decisions that have been made. Maybe I am this way because I have seen God crash into the lives of kids I love left and right this past month. I have seen them worship together, discuss the Bible, and seek mentoring and change...things I have longed to see and am seeing. Maybe it's because the kid that was an outcast is now has a peer group. Maybe it's because volunteers I have longed to have are stepping up to the plate. Maybe it's because that boy I have longed to see have a breakthrough broke through and maybe now he finally knows his worth. Maybe it's because I love having a staff and love having volunteers that are burdened for the same lives that my heart hurts for. Maybe I am all up in my feelings because I watch "church" get lived out in front of my every day and it is powerful beyond words.

Maybe I am all up in my feelings because shane and shane is on iTunes and they single handedly (with the help of sidewalk prophets) can bring my worship out :) Although, He Knows by Jeremy Camp just came on and whoa it gets me every time...

Maybe I am up in my emotions because I've seen God crashing into the lives of my family. Andy and I have been praying for God to be "real" to some of our family. And He is, and they are seeking, and He is growing in their hearts...and although it's just the beginnings that has me all up in my feelings...

Maybe I am up in my feelings because a kid I have prayed for so long, walked in unexpectedly today to church...no invite...haven't even seen him in almost two years..on his own AND 41 days clean! I'm a heap of a mess. God brings him through the door and the topic at church today was answering the question of how many times can we sin before God turns his back...

Oh God, you are so great...you take my pain and the pain of every person I know and turn it into something beautiful...and here I sit as Gungor Beautiful Things "randomly" comes onto iTunes...I am a heap of a mess with a white mocha and stellar iTunes play list, and a God that has got this...God has not given up on you or me. God is healing. God is taking us at our worst and making us beautiful! God is taking me all up in my feelings and He is every so tenderly putting the pieces of my heart back together. God is good. I trust Him. And for now it's okay to be all up in my feelings...

More fun than I know what to do with...

My Kid is amazing and more fun than this mom knows what to do with...

I know lots of people probably say that but I seriously find myself daily thinking, does it get better than this?

Kadence is FULL of life, laughter, chatter, and new things daily...This week alone we realized that Kadence can spit off her ABC's, that she can make full sentences, she can count 1-11 or 12 depending on the day but 5 is always missing, and that she is probably (although I hate to admit it) ready to potty train.

Some of my favorite sayings that Kadence says are..."What you doing here?"- what she says when she wants to know what I am doing. "I hold you?"- What she says when she wants you to pick her up. "I pray?" What she says when mommy or daddy have forgotten to say grace or bedtime prayers (WHOOPS!) Today she asked for a baby sister-lop...let me get right on that! Today she also dropped her zippy cup and said "Uh Oh mommy, I drop water on the floor" and I laughed because it didn't spill because it was in a sippy cup.

Around the house she helps with daily things- She can put all three trash cans back upstairs and puts them exactly where they go. She can put her pj's away. She gets her laundry from our bedroom (where we fold clothes) and takes it to her closet. She can put her own socks on (tonight she came out of the room with socks on her hands and feet!) She can also help put dishes away- which usually looks like taking them from the bottom shelf and putting them on the top or taking out her princess plate and running it around the house.

She loves baths, paint, being outside, checking the mail, cooking in her play kitchen, and playing house. Her favorite shows are still Elmo, Frozen, and Rio although sometimes she is game for Curious George, Clifford, or Minnie Mouse (but Netflix doesn't have a real good option for this).

I could sit and watch her play, think, and work for hours...I am in awe of how she thinks, the things that make her giggle, and what she picks up...the other day we were in the bath and she started laughing and said, "Oh, geez" and I laughed even harder :)

She still loves books and can spend hours flipping through books and my favorite is now she "reads" the books back to you and that is about as heart warming as it gets.

Sorry this post is so..."I think Kditty is amazing" but I am just having one of those days where I'm in awe of my family, of my little girl, and just taking this life one day at a time...it's pretty GREAT!

I LOVE BEING A MOM!!!!!

Emotional mommy...

I am warning before I write that I am emotional...

I just experienced a high...a beautiful high...a mountain top experience called Christmas.

After coming off of almost three weeks of battling stress, sickness, exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, sadness, anger, brokeness, and more sickness...I was in desperate need of Christmas.

Christmas break for me started last Saturday and I have done everything in my power to try and honor it. We did small things- like I decided that anytime Kadence asked to open a present (about once a day) we did it. No reason, other than it just brought me joy. They were really BIG presents like socks, toothbrushes, and pi's but none the less there was joy. Her wonder and excitement as she unwraps a gift is contagious! Kadence also got in the kick of asking to be rocked (I know full well it's to prolong bed time and I just don't care). Every time she asks, I get out the big blanket and snuggle her in the rocking chair and we rock. I get emotional (you wouldn't think this would happen EVERY time but it does) we give lots of kisses, eskimo kisses, and somewhere in there she usually points out my eyes and nose. I know for 100% that she is just prolonging sleep. I get that I am creating bad habits...all of this I know and I just don't care. I just hold her and the whole time I am holding her I am thanking God for just one more day of holding her, one more day of being her mommy, and for how long my heart ached to be in that rocking chair. It has been so good for my soul and so far she doesn't seem too scarred by it either. :)

Then there was Christmas Eve service. I was dreading it! I was excited for service but was not excited for an over stimulated, tired, two year old to "sit through" service. So, I packed an army of things to keep her occupied (including but not limited to an array of snacks, drinks, colors, books, and anything remotely quiet or fascinating). But the moment we walked into service she was in awe. The music started and she started dancing and singing along, like they were old familiar tunes. She was laughing deep belly laughs and pointing at lights, and people she recognized, and even thought the girl behind us was Elsa (she had a long side braid-lol). There I was with my family, the family I have prayed and longed for for so long...the mood was magical and intimate...and I could feel myself choking back the tears. As I watched Andy and Kadence dance to Christmas carols I kept thinking this is MY family. God did THIS for me! Then it was time for silent night- the time in the service where all the lights get turned off and one by one they light a candle until the whole congregation is in candle light. This sounds epic and very hallmark like...to everyone except to a mom of a toddler...to me it sounds like a trip to the emergency room for a mom who's hair she finally got to put hairspray in after two years...goes up in flames-LOL. But to my surprise as soon as the lights went out she was quiet and as the candles started to be lit she whispered WOW. My thoughts exactly! She watched as the candles were lit and we continued to sing. And the tears now came down my face...she was experiencing the magic of Christmas and I got to hold her close through the whole thing. I regained my composure, her ADHD kicked in as the service ended and we were back to searching the aisles feverishly for her friends.

As we got home, it was time to celebrate Christmas with my extended side of the family. We had dinner and opened up presents and every present she opened it was like she had never opened a gift before. She was grateful, she was in awe, she was excited, she was ready to explore everything it had in store.

Today, we had two Christmas' and the same thing happened...every gift- excitement. Every gift like she had never opened one before (although her unwrapping skills are getting skillfully better). And it got me thinking- at what point does Christmas loose its magic. At what point does a gift become just a gift. When does the child like excitement over holidays fade away. Kadence knows not the grief that I have experienced over the holidays. She knows not the countless holidays I cried longing for her existence. All she knows is joy. All she knows is the high pitch squeal that comes from opening a pair of Minnie Mouse socks...somehow I think this is all beautiful to Jesus. Do I think americans have blown consumerism and Jesus' birthday out the window...sure. But today, I am embracing that because of someone else's shopping Kadence is experiencing the simplest form of joy. Experiencing a baby's Christmas is something I feel my holidays have been lacking for awhile. Last year was great but this year has topped the cake because she is just so much more excited about everything and like I said before her joy is so contagious!

So tonight I sit here- reflecting on where I have come from. Reflecting on the pain, the stress, the sickness, the grief, the infertility, the mourning...everything that used to be under my emotions of Christmas and today I take in the simple joy of experiencing gift opening, Christmas, Christmas food, Santa, Christmas Eve service...all through the eyes of an almost two year old and it makes life so much sweeter, more magical, brings so much laughter, and fills my home with warmth and joy.

THIS is the kind of Christmas that my heart longed for!

Kadence is in bed, has lacked any sort of routine going on almost a week now, has another Christmas tomorrow with Andy's side of the family...but I am just taking in the moment- enjoying the trash of wrapping paper, dirt dishes, a sleeping baby, and a snoring dog...God is good and we have much to be grateful for this season. God has healed and continues to heal this broken mom's heart!

Sidenote- I am praying for Kadence a brother or sister in 2015...That means either a miracle is going to have to happen by knocking this girl up (my ovaries hate me and are stubborn as all get out), someone else is going to have to get preggo and trust me with their child, or Andy and I are going to have to actually submit paperwork to start the adoption process again...All of these things sound like daunting, overwhelming, and scary tasks or undertakings but here's to trusting that God has a plan.

Till next time...MERRY CHRISTMAS

The Art of Advent and Mommy Guilt...

My reality this past week has been a fair balance between mommy guilt and advent. I blame myself partly for doing such a great job over thanksgiving break of resting, being an attentive parent, and just being that I felt like I was more ready than ever to bring in the advent season. The tree was up, to do lists made, fun activities planned, time with friends scheduled, time with just the husband scheduled, work hours planned, babysitters planned...if there was ever a mom ready for Advent and the ability to still have enough "unplanned" time to embrace the season I was the candidate. No really if you wanted to give me an award for mom most ready to embrace this season...it was me...I even have my very own holiday notebook (you can make fun of me if you wish)...but monday with no warning at all brought this week to all of it's craziness. Things that I told andy would take 30 minutes found themselves take 3 hours. Promises I had made myself over the solitude of Thanksgiving break and the promises I had made to my family breaking...day by day, break after break...By tuesday all wheels had fallen off the bus as the Jeep decided to just give up. (Mind you the other car was already sitting in the shop- going on 3 weeks now) so we were officially a ZERO car family. Wednesday my life was a nightmare in trying to navigate the healthcare system for the uninsured. What we thought would be a simple one hour doctors appointment starting at the beginning of the day ended up lasting till 3am. By Thursday by body was rebelling what I knew far to well as the beginning of sickness was starting to take over. Surely not, not this week...I pushed through and by the time Friday rolled around I couldn't get out of bed. Like literally it was painful to sit up. So pretty much Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have consisted of trying to sleep, not breathe on others, and try to manage just being alive, and parenting the bare minimum- sure we can watch frozen just one more time- sure we can sit under the heated blanket- whoops did mommy fall asleep again. So this awesome week, the beginning of this AMAZING season that I was so ready to embrace...just like that is complete...I saw my husband maybe a total of 3-6 hours this week, my kid more but mainly at meal time and bath time, and "sitting" times aka TV. There have been very few quiet nights by the tree. There have been very few fun memories made. The overwhelming feeling I was feeling was guilt. How do I do this? How can be doing so many good things in one week also bring such an ugly feeling? How come I feel like I have neglected my family, my child, and my solitude with Jesus for the mundane of just going. I am not proud of the mom I have been this week, I am not proud of my parenting, our routines, meals, cleanliness, etc...there are some other things I am really not proud of this week either but that's about as vulnerable as this nyquil is letting me get tonight.
 I still feel like I'm dying but word on the street is this bug takes awhile to work its course and being in a non-profit at december and being a mom of a toddler does not equal infinity sick days...it looks like popping some medication, packing the kleenex, and pulling up the bootstraps to make it work.
This morning the hardest thing for me to do was to get out of bed to go to church. I wanted to go to church so bad because I love my church at Advent. I knew after the week I had been having I NEEDED to go to church. By the time I got to church I was sweating, was thinking not nice thoughts about my rebelling two year old, and just wanted a shot of whiskey or maybe a few more nyquil to numb the pain. I remember sitting down in the chair and being like I made it and feeling like that in itself what a HUGE accomplishment. I'm not sure if I was going to church just so that I could sit and be quiet with excellent music but whatever the motivation that got me out of the door and to fight all the minuscule battles that I fought this morning (battles that when you are not sick are not even battles-lol) but I got there.
I was so grateful for Garrett's message this morning and now after a whole day and a somewhat foggy memory all I remember walking away with was when we are at are lowest God is at the top of His game. So here I sit with husband and child both asleep, sitting by the tree, sipping hot cocoa (I'm not really but it sounds good but I'm just to lazy to go and make it), and by almost box of kleenex, with an olaf at my feet and I breathe in and out...When I am at the bottom of my game God is at the top of His.
So I went grocery shopping today, stepping out in faith that I will have the energy to feed my family. I reached out and asked for helped today hoping to balance my schedule a little better this week. I know that in my work life I have two HUGE weeks left until we can rest as a non-profit. I also know that if I am not centered and focused on Jesus me as a "boss", me as a mom, and me as a wife are not a pretty thing. If I have have learned one thing about myself through everything in my life up to this point is that that Kylie without time for Jesus is of no use to anyone.
So tonight I am grateful for the peace that God's got this. Grateful that tomorrow is a new week, and really grateful for all intended purposes that Kadence will probably not remember this past week in the grand scheme of life ;) Also grateful for a God who can love and minister to this mommy's soul even when the mommy guilt comes and I question am I enough? Am I a good mom? Did I F' up so bad this week that God's like if you can't do this- what makes you think you can handle more kids?
What I love about God is that he takes all my irrational fears, all of my inability to love and schedule and parent and be a wife and be selfless and He loves me anyway. He hugs me anyway. He has trusted me with a beautiful baby girl and a gorgeous husband, and a cuddly puppy (Jada didn't want to be left out), he has trusted me with friends, family, and a beautiful job, and teens that I love and adore. He has given me much to care for and so I take what He has given me and return it to His feet because without Him I am a heaping mess (today I would be just a heaping mess of nyquil and kleenex).

So normally when I blog I go back and re-read what I read to make sure it says what I mean but tonight I just don't have it in me- so not only do you have the normal spelling errors and grammatical nightmare that my blogs usually are...you also have what I am calling "Kylie's NyQuil Thoughts".

Here's to tomorrow being a new day!