The smile that heals... (this may be painful to read)

Kadence can smile now, and it's not because of gas or because she has had too much to drink (her milk coma's) it is a smile that warms my heart and fills my soul with joy! I don't know what I would do with out her, especially this week...

This week two years ago- it was a monday much like today...beautiful! I had a couple of meetings but nothing crazy sets apart my day. About two o'clock that day I had a meeting with one of my teens that had talked about killing themselves. We talked about the pain, the hospital stay, and why I had to be the one that called the police and how I could not imagine my life without him. It was emotional but the night before I had researched everything under the sun about suicide because I wanted to understand him greater, wanted to know how I could help. About three or a little later that day I got a call from one of the girls and they couldn't find one of our other teens and said she wasn't answering her phone and wondered if she was with me or if I knew where she was...she wasn't and I didn't. I immediately got in my car and started driving around. I drove to the park, to Lakeland, to the lake...anywhere that had significance...I looked for a broken down car, I looked for signs that would point me anywhere...but I had to find her. I remember being right at Todd George and Langsford and crying out to God saying, "You know where she's at! I am so mad that you won't tell me! God is she okay? God help! God where? God help!" Even remembering the terror in my prayer and the urgency and my tears to Him sends chills all down my body. Right then and there were sirens...and an ambulance appeared out of the   flood of cars. And I said to God, she's hurt? she's at the hospital? And I drove home. As I pulled in the driveway I got a call from one of the girls and they said she was at the hospital at Center Point. They didn't know anything but would call as soon as they did. That night was small group and Andy asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I said no- I figured she would be bombarded with family and friends and so I wanted to wait till the rush died down and then I would go. So off to small group we went. I remember being distracted and not being able to focus, watching my phone like crazy waiting for an update. Then the phone rang, I excused myself and walked to the end of their hallway and the man on the other line asked if I was Kylie, he told me he was a detective for Independence police department and wanted to let me know that Emily had taken her life (his words, not mine) and I (not knowing why I would ask such a thing) asked with what or how she did it. He said hand gun. I dropped to the floor gasping for air, crying and not being able to form words. Sobbing, uncontrollable sobbing. He said, "sorry for your loss" and hung up. At this point I am in the bathroom of our friends house, curled up in the fetal position crying tears and feeling an emotion I have never felt before. The amount of pain I was feeling at that moment could not be described. I cried and cried, my husband joined me in the bathroom and I cried and cried and cried, and muttered the words she's gone. And cried and cried...just telling you that I cried brings back the emotion that was in that day. I eventually pulled myself together and put on my "professional" face and told andy straight I have to go find Travis. We have to go to miller J, the kids need to know, we have to tell them, we have to go now...we abruptly told our friends we needed to leave and headed to the park. We went to the park, we told the kids, they cried, they smoked...we all tried to find a way to cope. The phone calls started, first to our board, then to volunteers, and friends, and then my family...Emily was not just a teen (although I would argue that none of my kids are "just another teen" they are my life, my family, they mean everything to me...and Emily even more so because I had been close to her since she was 15. She was one of those girls that could just bring a smile to your face and she warmed my heart. We were vulnerable together in our struggles, in our walk with God...Emily was like a little sister I never had. The next days passed and we had a ton of kids passed out all over our floor (this was beautiful) because it was just to painful for us all to be alone. We all wanted to be moved to action yet we were all paralyzed by our grief. Thursday was the visitation and there were so many people, so many lives effected by her smile, her spirit. I remember walking through and being sad for the family of whoever it was that we were mourning but it not sinking in that it was Emily. Friday we buried her, Friday night we had a candle light vigil. I remember praying that night, I remember before I prayed out loud that I told God I wanted those kids to know that they could be mad, that they could grieve, that God was big enough to hold them in their pain and that we did not have to come to him "pretty". We all went home friday...and somehow life was supposed to go back to normal...it didn't...all summer I hibernated...all summer I grieved...all summer I didn't make a single phone call to check on anyone else, I sat in my pain (looking back I regret this but I couldn't muster up the strength to  reach out to anyone). Looking back I wish we would have educated each other on how we grieve because instead of dealing with it we had/have kids that resorted to alcohol, sex, food, cutting, anger, laughing...they all dealt differently with grief and then would get mad at each other when they weren't on the same path. So friendships got strained, and in general life was hard. I cried for 8 weeks straight at church, I wondered if I would ever be able to make it through church and not cry. Days and weeks of loneliness and grief followed. Somewhere I figured out how to suppress the pain...Fall started back and I got into a rhythm...but my rhythm was missing an Emily.

It's been two years this week (last year we went on vacation this week so I didn't have to be in here) since she passed. I am still wounded, I still cry, I still grieve. I try to find her in the weather, and at hobby lobby when I find bedazzled office supplies...but it is just not the same. I want so bad for her passing to mean life change for our city. I want her life to be a change agent in our community, where we rise up and fight for teens and their struggles and we talk about suicide. My life is forever changed because of her passing. I wish desperately that Emily would have gotten to meet Kadence and then I stop and a smirk comes across my face...I have no doubt that she "helped" pick out our little girl. In my head I picture her, my dad, and my grandpa all sitting at a table with God talking about our little girl. Talking to God about what she would look like, how she would smile, what she would like to do, and even the orchestrating of all the little details leading up to Kadence's birth. All of them knew how much I needed to be reminded that God gives and isn't just in the game of taking away. They all knew I had wounds, they all knew I needed a miracle. They all knew how much I needed a little girl of my very own. I think I always would have been grateful for Kadence but I think going through the amount of pain I have gone through in the last 6 years and THEN getting a miracle...makes this miracle all a little sweeter. So, when I look at my little girl and she smiles, it warms my heart...not as a baby smiling at a mommy but as God loving on me, reminding me that He loves me and that He has not given up on us, and that he is still creating miracles in this fallen world. When Kadence smiles I feel My dad tell me Thanks for giving him a granddaughter, and that he is proud of me, and that he loves me. When Kadence smiles I hear my grandpa telling me how beautiful she is and how he wished he could have held her and that I'm going to be a good mom. Then I see Emily in Kadence's smile and I hear her say...here's your little girl we prayed for, now dress her well and make me proud and don't forget to accessorize (I think we are doing fairly well at this:))...I smile for I know Kadence is a special kind of miracle whose smile heals her mommy's broken heart and is a gift from God to meet me right where I am. So this week I will hold Kadence tight, missing Emily and the sunshine she brought to my life but thanking her for helping mold me into the woman and mom I am today. Emily will always be sunshine in my heart, she will NEVER be forgotten.

There is pain this week and I'm feeling it but I also feel God's peace as he has brings healing in my heart...

Blog Diarrhea...

What happens when you don't get to blog when things cross your mind...you get blog diarrhea. A little bit of this and that and everything in between...but as always-transparent!

...Happy 6 weeks to Miss Kadence today!!! She is so beautiful, full of life, and so much fun! Some of my favorite moments are when it is just the two of us and I'll tell her how much I love her and how much her daddy loves her and she just smiles and gurgles her spit as if she is talking back to me :) I love her smirks, smiles, and her 150 other faces and noises she makes. Being her mom is my most favorite part of my life. I know it has only been six weeks but I can not imagine my life without her, how her little soul completes so much of my own. I can't get over how rich my marriage has been in the last 6 weeks, how much I have learned about myself, my relationship with God, and everything that I put my identity in prior to these 6 weeks...

...I was telling Andy how much I pray for Kadence and how I knew I would pray for our daughter I just never knew how many trivial things would trigger my prayer life. When I see people that are reacting out of anger, I pray that her heart would be filled with love not hate. When I see people wrapped up in material possessions I pray that she would not find her value in a purse, a car, or some other toy. When I hear of teens whose parents have hurt them in unthinkable ways, the words that parents have said out of frustration and I pray that God would protect Kadence from my human-ness and that I would never speak words, even out of frustration, that would add pain to her life. When I see a tv show and some kid has cancer, falls in love for the first time, crys, etc I am overwhelmed by the responsibility and excitement that comes with this little being growing up. She may only be six weeks but she is learning non stop, she is watching Andy and I and our love for each other, she is taking in our love for others, learning our voices, she listens as we blare worship music, read her books, and tell her of our love, and God's love for her and for her story as she continues to grow and I am moved to prayer. I love praying for her and talking to Jesus about all of the little things as she continues to grow and develop...

...It may seem weird to tell you that we have a six week old and we have already started talking about our next child. If there will be a next child. If you don't know our story or anything about us you might be thinking...seriously can you not be grateful for what you have? Actually if I am honest sometimes I wrestle if by contemplating about what path God has for us for our next child if I, myself, am being ungrateful for all that God has given us. I mean God came through with one great big miracle for us, who am I to think another miracle is out there for us? Have I "ran out" of miracles? Then I put numbers to the paper and I get angry! How come adoption is so expensive! How come all it takes so many people I know to get pregnant is a missed pill, a case of beer, and a crazy night of fun. It's not fair! And then out of the deep pit of emotion I once knew as my truth I start to feel the anger and injustice surface...wait, I thought that girl was gone. I thought that girl had moved to happy world. Then my sinful nature comes out and I throw a temper-tantrum that if I was a "normal" woman I could just have a breast feeding miracle, and in 9 months maybe we would be getting another baby. Maybe Kadence would not be an only child. I try to tell God that just because Kadence was a miracle that blew us out of the water doesn't mean we would be less blown out of the water if He chose to give us another miracle. lol- like some sort of pleading with God would get my point across. But then let's be honest, that's how so many of my talks with God go. Kylie pleading her case, debating why I should get my way. I'm a mess, but at least I don't try and tell you I have it all together :) Then I try to sort out truths from Satan's lies because I know they are all mixed up in there. Truth is in the adoption world thinking about your "next child" is not far fetched for as long as this dang process can take. But truth is God is already taking care of it, and the next, and next, and next after that or however many next's there are. It may be years before we get another blessing of a child or Kadence may be an only child. Or God might fast track us like he did with K-Love. It might be astronomically expensive like the fee schedules claim, or God might take care of every last expense like he did with Kadence. Truth is that no mater how truthful it is that it feels "unfair" I am very aware that God is working out the timing, details, and every intricate part of our story...something he has continued to do from the beginning of time. So I turn my pondering of what to do next, to leaning into God...snuggling into Kadence and trusting God and that he knows our hearts desires, he knows our abundant love for Kadence and how grateful we are for her and her story. He knows, I don't. He's in control, I'm not.

So in the meantime I will love and spoil this little girl. I will tell her about Jesus, how he is writing her story. I will enjoy midnight feedings, cuddles, lack of make up and showers...I will lean in to every lazy Saturday, every stroller ride, and every smile. I will take it in and every time I look at Kadence I am reminded by God's glory, His story, and his love for this little girl, our little family, and for Andy and I.

This is the good life...end of blog diarrhea :)