So it's been awhile since I posted...June was a crazy month physically, mentally, and emotionally both at work and in my personal life. I have had a lot on my plate this last month and it has showed signs of wear and tear for all those involved...
But I felt like I wanted to write and it wouldn't all fit into a facebook post and so blogging it is...
So, at this part of my journey into motherhood I am learning empathy, empathy for moms...mom's that I judged, friends that I judged, people I swore I would never be like, people I couldn't relate to...I am now realizing my error in having it "all figured out".
I remember going through this same phase when I got married. I had all of these expectations or thoughts in my head about how certain things would go like work, church, friends, date nights, daily tasks, family time, etc. I got frustrated when I would see new married people doing things the "wrong way". I knew that I was better off because I knew how to be a wife the "right way". I learned quickly that some of my "expectations" were not going to be met nor would I be able to keep up with most of the things I thought I was going to do as a wife (i.e. make breakfast daily for my husband and have a spotless house) some of them were so outlandish (lol- probably not the ones listed above...but maybe) that not even Nicolas Sparks could keep up. Andy and I over the last 6 years have worked through all of that and probably will continue when/if my little perceptions of married life rear their ugly head. Through all of this what you end up with is a refined marriage that was/is way better than I could have put together in my fantasies or that Nicolas Sparks could have written about. So I find myself when others are getting married to lend a helpful hand and give them the good ole "If I would have known then what I know now" speech...the same speech I give multiple teenagers on any given week, well same title not the same content-lol
So here I am six years later with a baby girl and finding out the same is true of motherhood. I think I secretly thought in motherhood there were more hours in a day let alone all of my other perceptions. I am learning that I am in no way, shape, or form good at getting everything done in a day that I need to. I am learning that I need a full 8 hours of sleep to be functioning. I am learning that a once vain girl is finding it really hard to find the energy to do my hair or put on make-up (things that used to be non-negotiable). I am also learning that I, who am naturally an extrovert, really really really craves being a homebody. I love more than anything NOT being around people but to just sit and cuddle with Kadence. I know I should probably want to have friends or do things in my free time but at the same time that seems like a lot of work and I don't really have the energy for that either. So, I find myself sitting at home, curled up with my little family and soaking in my perfect little life. I used to think it was narrow minded when I had friends that had babies and they dropped off the face of the earth, they were real hard to get ahold of, and they never could do anything, or they would become really cliquey with other moms of babies. I vowed that I would not be that friend and yet here I am. I crave being with Kadence by myself (or with Andy and Jada) more than any single thing in my life currently. Or I find myself wanting to be with other moms so I can just watch our babies interact. So, I have in-turn done the same things to my friends. I also am finding I have more empathy for the moms with screaming babies at Walmart in the middle of the night (because we all know we don't take screaming babies to target), screaming babies at restaurants, mom's that "let themselves go", and making other detrimental "mom mistakes". I think I had this realization that my empathy level had sky rocketed when I was talking to another mom and we were talking about a baby that had died in a car because he/she had been left in there without the parent knowing. We were talking about how prior to having an infant those parents would have been labeled "horrible" or "what were they thinking" or "how could you ever" and now that we ourselves are parents of little ones our reaction was more like "I wonder how exhausted they were" "Was he/she colicky" "I can't even fathom having to live with that the rest of your life" all of a sudden something so tragic, which is still tragic is more of not "how dare them" but "oh, how terribly sorry I am." I find myself realizing my empathy radar going up all over the place for moms, for working moms, for police moms, for single moms, for moms whose husbands work nights, for moms that try and fail, for moms all over the world that are figuring it out just like me.
There is nothing sweeter in the whole world to me than my little family. I am exhausted but only because I play hard during the day, and I live life to the fullest with my little girl and out little family. I have prayed for many many years for the life that I am living currently so I will do the only thing I know how to do and lean into my loving father. He knows that my intentions are pure. He knows that I am doing my best. He knows that I am learning day by day. He knows that Kadence is my world, that she is the sunshine on my cloudy day and He has showered me in grace and love.
So here I am learning the life lesson on judging others and what it means to empathize with people who are just like me on this journey.
On a side note- it has been a huge blessing to be able to meet with, talk on the phone with, or e-mail people that our struggling with infertility, PCOS, and starting the adoption process that have reached out to me. I had no idea when starting this blog that God was going to use my transparency to minister to others and that they then would not have to walk through the trenches and the unknown by themselves. This has been a true blessing through all of this and something I enjoy with my whole heart!
See why this wouldn't all fit in a facebook status- lol
