Am I allowed to have a four letter word? Am I allowed to have a word that pisses me off and makes me want to throw a temper tantrum? Well allowed or not, my curse word is "infertility". If you are walking my journey with me than you probably know that there are few words that make me want to punch something more than that word. I hate it, and I hate it more when it is used to describe me.
Recently Andy and I have been dabbling more seriously into the discussion of adding siblings to our family since clearly we rock at being parents (lol). But unfortunately for us it is not as easy as making the choice or having the discussion, I wish it was. For us it means having to decide private, agency, domestic, international, dfs system, etc, etc it's exhausting just thinking about the gazilion decisions. My heart is faint at remembering the journey. I remember the excitement, I remember the fear all to well, I remember the uncertainty and I remember the desperation in my prayers. Part of me wonders if my heart can go through the journey again and part of me knows that our family isn't complete yet.
The journey of infertility and the further path of adoption is really a journey that causes me to lean in to Jesus with everything I have and stay there for protection. I stay there for protection knowing that there will be hard days or weeks where my bitterness about how "easy" it is for others to make a family will consume my heart. It is there that Jesus will take my wounds and gently love me back to healing. There will be days, weeks, months, and even years that Andy and I might sit here yearning for more children and it will be just that- a yearning. There will be countless baby showers, baby birthdays, and Facebook baby announcements before we will ever have our own again. There will be days when my judgmental and hurt side will get the best of me about how some families are made and Jesus will love me even through that ugliness that I would rather hide. I really am a hot mess over this topic and very grateful that Jesus welcomes me into his loving arms as a heaping pile of rubbish that is broken. But I rest in Him for protection, wisdom, and guidance on this journey.
Then to the well meaning people in my life that says some of these hurtful things- 1. Isn't K-ditty enough? Yes, we love Kditty with all of our heart and soul and she is the best part of every one of my days...but when you decided to add more children to your family was it because your first wasn't enough? I doubt it! Just because we make families via adoption doesn't mean that when we are adding to our family it's because one of our children wasn't enough. We are grateful for the journey we have had with Kadence, her birth family, how God answered so many amazing prayers in her and we long for our other children to find us in just the same way...God writing their story and answering our prayers. We are believing that He is not done building our family 2. Isn't Pro Deo enough? That's like telling a car sales man he doesn't need a car because he works around cars and can be with them whenever he wants. I know I am comparing cars to children but it sounds just as crazy. Pro Deo is a beautiful thing, I love the teens that have walked through my life and continue to be on my path with that journey but they don't take the place of raising a family. My child's life is enriched so much by being around them but it's just not the same.
So here I sit- knowing a few things: 1. I know that I love being a mom 2. I know that Andy loves being a dad 3. I know that Kadence loves being our baby girl 4. I know that God has not abandoned us in this journey 5. I know that the wait could be great and that there may never be another child at the end of this wait 6. I know that God has not abandoned us in this journey. 7. I know that we will pray and open our hearts and tell God we are "ready" and see what happens. 8. I know that this is just one of the many days I will have "hard days" coming to terms with the fact that in our life it is hard work making a family 9. I also know that my vulnerability before Jesus and taking to him all of my ugliness, fear, and hurt is beautiful to Him.
I don't have all the answers and the more I lean into Jesus the more I learn that Infertility isn't so much my four letter word as much as it is just a part of my story and my journey, something He is making beautiful in his own timing.
So to our future babies know that mommy and daddy are praying for you and longing for you even today. Knowing full well that 2 years ago this week we still didn't even know about Miss K. Praying tonight for our future birth moms, families, and everything that goes in the journey of building families through adoption.
So tonight I am listening to this song and grateful for the mom that I am and longing for the rest of our family wherever they may be or how they will come to us: Mom
