I am sure this is only one of the many many many times in this journey that this word will come to mind.
Frustrated...
Monday started off as a roller coaster...We said yes to a foster placement! We went from no we will not be taking a placement, to Andy and I looking at each other in only the way we can smirk at each other and Andy saying I know this is a foster placement but what if they never leave and right then there was this crazy excitement and nervousness and more excitement...The woman on the phone said we will have the case worker call you and arrange everything and we hang up. The next few hours are spent with me walking through the day getting things done but in the back of my head thinking about how that night I would be doing bedtime with 3 kiddos under 3 and by myself and something about it made me giddy...I found myself smiling throughout the day as I thought about how difficult the next days, months would be but I was still excited still at peace with it. This all happened at 9am that morning and by 4:30 I still had not heard from the case worker...I don't know if this is normal cause clearly this was our first time saying yes but at 4:30 I walk in the door and Andy says the caseworker called and they placed them with someone else. I feel devastated and like I have been punched in the gut. I was so excited- I had literally just told Kadence not even 3 minutes before and she was excited...and nothing. Our first experience of saying yes and already heartache...is this the road ahead just heartache? Am I even capable of fostering? I hadn't even met them and my heart was sad- how much greater the sorrow once I have met them? Can I do it? All this doubt...
Frustrated...
Then there was my normal stalking on adoption waiting child websites later on in this week (a normal lunch break hobby for me) and I notice that this sibling set we have been watching and praying about and even submitted our home study saying we were willing...got adopted out but they split the sibling set up...someone adopted the little ones but not the older siblings and it left my heart hurting again. I had their rooms configured, had read everything on large families and had been praying about how our family would work with all of them and wrestled with it a lot...Andy and I both ready to move forward for all of them and then they go and split them up? REALLY? I pray about a lot of kiddos on the waiting child list but I have now mourned 3 sibling sets that have gotten adopted off the list (I get that this is a good thing) but these were all groups that I could close my eyes and see our everyday life with and my heart was ready to meet them in their trauma and stand up in front of a judge and say we are in this for better and worse for now until eternity. But all three groups someone else gets to be their mommy and daddy. I actually prayed for their mommies and daddies and that they would not take their vows lightly and that those kiddos would know for the rest of their lives that they were sought out and wanted. I can only assume this is truth and I am grateful for them having forever homes yet I can't get over this uncomfortable wrestling that is going on in me.
Frustrated...
Every road block we hit or any day when I am reminded about the brokenness of this system I become more and more passionate about adoption. The more I am knee deep in this the more and more passionate I become. Even in this heartache I know that God is working. I know that God is weaving our story with the rest of our family that is to be determined. That God has just the right kiddos, just the right time, and just the right story waiting for us but gosh darn it I am having a hard time in this wait.
Yesterday in chatting with Jesus I kind of half laughed at Him and said will my life ever not have the theme song of "While I'm waiting" Will that ever be a song that brings me joy and not weeping?
Andy and I were chatting and he said we should totally be documenting all of the steps up to our kiddos so that when they are in their teenage years they know how much we longed for them. It made me kind of want to throw a fit because at this point I can't tell when their story starts. I started documenting steps last July when the two boys we wanted then were 4 and 6. Then I started documenting steps when we had our eyes on these other sibling sets and those were no's too...this reminds me all too much about when I was in college and I was documenting mine and Andy's story (creepily with him having no idea that I was doing it). Ironically that notebook was titled while I'm waiting. Well one day I got incredibly frustrated and was confident our story was going no where real quick. I was confident this "crush" I had was nothing more then that and through tears I ripped that journal to shreds and x'd through all of the pages I had written in. I remember my roommate coming in and she was shocked and asked what happened and I told her I was tired of waiting. And even in that moment of extreme frustration and vulnerability I knew that God was in control (even though I wanted control) and 11 years later I am so glad God kept writing the story evenwhen I got too frustrated for the journey and just wanted to throw a temper tantrum and rip up our story. So here I am frustrated and wanting to throw a fit and yet I know God is in control and I don't say that lightly. I know that God is writing this story even when I can't see anything thing but the brokenness and our longings.
Longing for these children that were no's has not been in vain. Our first sibling set we wanted had me all up in the state of Missouri trying to figure out how to become licensed foster parents. They were our first set of hearing their trauma and desiring to move forward. They were the first kiddos that we told our family and friends about and it started to be real that we would all be walking in this journey together. Then there was the sibling set of 4. It was then that I knew I could love me some parenting of little boys. I saw them and their orneriness and I got excited. It was them that made me start thinking could we be parents to 5 kiddos? Then once they got adopted there was a sibling set of 6 (a 7th to be added later) and I knew in my head it didn't make sense but I watched from afar. Over time I shared my heart for these kiddos with Andy and he said no. I thought that was smart. I mean who in their right mind goes from a toddler to 8 kids under 8. But my heart still daydreamed of them. Then there we were one day and Andy says... I think we should put our home study in for the sibling set of 6. What? I about fell off my chair. I remember specifically us pretty much shaking on the fact that 4 was going to be our max and here we were starting to look into 15 passenger vans and excited about it. That sibling set brought up awesome conversations between Andy and I and I am better because of them...each of these groups of kiddos has made my prayer life stronger, my family stronger, my marriage stronger and has given us something to fight for and look forward to what feels like a never ending journey.
So even in the frustration, brokenness, and waiting I can see God moving...
"Im waiting, Im waiting on you Lord. I am hopeful. Though it is painful I am waiting...I am taking every step in obedience...while I am waiting I will serve you and worship you...I will run this race even while I wait"
