So the processing begins...

Sunday I had my first of 2 or 3 baby showers. This was the only one prior to Kadence's arrival. Even with having 2 or 3 showers the guest list is still about 60 for each shower. It is a huge undertaking and this one I give a huge thanks to Kim Filla and Terrin Pabst two of my very dear friends for taking on this task.

Kim and Terrin did a beautiful job, the food was AMAZING, and there were so many people there that  made my heart so happy. It was a crazy great shower and I am so thankful yet something wasn't sitting right...It should be a day for me to be on cloud nine yet I felt like so many of my smiles were fake, and if you know me you know fake is not something I do easily. So what was going on? How can one fake happiness when there is a room full of friends, great food, and lots of pink packages to open?

I clearly needed to spend time with Jesus because I couldn't get to the bottom of this...

This is what I came up with-
* Fear- I am still scared. No amount of prayer, talking to friends, affirmations from social workers or anyone alike (this journey is not a journey for the faint at heart) is making the fear go away. I am longing for Kadence to be here but scared of every step until she is in my arms. There is so much that I am not in control of (this was probably a good lesson for me to learn prior to being a mom). I am putting all of my dreams in the arms of a beautiful young woman that prior to three months ago I didn't even know her name. In the last three months she has consumed my heart, my prayers, and of course my thoughts and yet fear is still there. But the fear is worth it, because it teaches me that God is way bigger than my fear. He is doing way more than bringing a beautiful baby into this world. He is orchestrating two families that will forever be bonded to Him through this child. We forever get to live out His love for Kadence in front of her.

*Sadness- Something is missing. Do you ever feel that way? Like everything is there and yet something is missing and you just can't put your finger on it? I finally figured it out when last night I was sitting with some friends and they were talking about the next baby shower and randomly I asked if we could skype in my best friend Holly from Madagascar and I about lost it. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and had to gain my composure quick before admitting the pain I feel in just saying her name. It probably also hit me yesterday because a woman came over to the house to drop something off, I showed her the nursery and she asked if we could take our shoes off and pray on the floor of the nursery. There again the tears started to come, that same emotion that came when asking about skype. It was clear that my heart is breaking to be near Holly and that I push how much I miss her and long for her presence in my life under all of these other emotions that I am feeling but when I am doing something like a baby shower or praying on the nursery floor, those are things that Holly and I do...or should do...and my heart breaks. How is it that serving God on opposite sides of the world can be everything that God called us both to but everything that breaks my heart at the same time.

*Feeling like a fraud- You should have seen the presents yesterday...Kadence was SHOWERED in LOTS of LOVE! She/We are blessed beyond belief! Yet I couldn't keep my pessimistic side under control and felt like at any moment this dream of having a baby shower would be over. That someone would come in and say "Kylie you are not pregnant. What are you doing having a baby shower. You are just going to have to return all these presents when it doesn't work out". Than I realized that someone was saying that. Satan was yelling it at me trying to steal my joy.

*Mad at myself- I have missed some amazing baby showers and missed out on some amazing journeys that my friends have been on because I couldn't bring myself to walk through my sadness, jealousy, anger, and pain. As I sat there sunday there was one friend that was there that is walking though a lot of the same journey I have walked in my past few years and she was there. In that moment, walking through the door, I realized how much I missed out on at each of those showers. I also realized how much this friend was braver than me :) So to all those girls (there's probably a good 20 or so) that I skipped your baby shower... I am sorry. I ask for your forgiveness. Showers really are a beautiful thing and I had no idea how meaningful they were until yesterday...

*This is bigger than me: Once Andy and I decided to make our journey with adoption public we took a risk. We are fully aware that God is working and that He is way bigger than us and what he is doing through this journey. An example of this was this week I received two gifts from my Pro Deo teens that were unable to make it to the shower. The first gift was this beautiful hand made blanket that said I love mommy and daddy. To some it was just a blanket. But if you knew this teens story or knew what she was struggling with today, you would know that it is so much more than a blanket. The second gift were two onesies. One of the onesies said mommy's best friend and although that is super cute...there is more there. If you knew the pain in either of these teens stories you would know that these are not just baby gifts but they are God working in them and through them and they may not even know it yet. I take a deep breath in and know that there are so many of my teenagers that are watching...they are watching to see how Andy and I walk through this journey, they are watching to see how we raise our child, they are watching and God is moving...This is bigger than me!

*There is a baby coming!!! There are 29 days left...I can not process all that this means but I know that is brings me so much JOY and I can not wait!!!!!

So that's me in a nutshell today...leaning into these emotions...learning that there is something greater going on here and just leaning into this journey. I am sure when Kadence makes her appearance and all of the days of her life there will be a whole bunch of other (an some of the same) emotions that I go through...

Seriously to Kim and Terrin Thank you so much for Sunday. It truly was a beautiful gift! To all of the people that came- thanks for trusting God, for praying, and for walking through this journey with us...and to all of you that are like "Wait- I didn't get invited"-lol March 9th is the next shower :) Hopefully by then I am processing a whole NEW set of emotions. :)

Prayers for this week (Not that my post didn't give you enough to pray about-lol)
1. Pray for Birth Mom- pray for her remaining days at school, labor, delivery, and the 48 hours following the delivery, for the days and weeks and years after Kadence's birth that we would find a beautiful way to be in this journey together where she feels loved, valued, and very much a part of our life. Pray that my love for her would not creep her out-lol (if you know me well, you know that when I love you it can be kind of intense- I try not to scare people but sometimes it happens)
2. Pray for Andy and I and our continued journey. Pray for courage. Pray for the details. Pray for my teens that are watching this all unfold that they would see God show up in a BIG way and that they would not be able to deny His work in all of this.
3. Pray for Holly as I know it is hard for her too and reading this blog won't make it any easier (p.s. Holly on Itunes When God made you just came on ;)) Pray that God would bless her work abundantly!
4. Pray for Pro Deo as we transition in preparation for my maternity leave. We are hiring two new staff!
5. Pray for ours and birth mom's family. Pray that they would all feel God's love and peace through this journey

My heart if full and I am blessed!