Blog Diarrhea...

What happens when you don't get to blog when things cross your mind...you get blog diarrhea. A little bit of this and that and everything in between...but as always-transparent!

...Happy 6 weeks to Miss Kadence today!!! She is so beautiful, full of life, and so much fun! Some of my favorite moments are when it is just the two of us and I'll tell her how much I love her and how much her daddy loves her and she just smiles and gurgles her spit as if she is talking back to me :) I love her smirks, smiles, and her 150 other faces and noises she makes. Being her mom is my most favorite part of my life. I know it has only been six weeks but I can not imagine my life without her, how her little soul completes so much of my own. I can't get over how rich my marriage has been in the last 6 weeks, how much I have learned about myself, my relationship with God, and everything that I put my identity in prior to these 6 weeks...

...I was telling Andy how much I pray for Kadence and how I knew I would pray for our daughter I just never knew how many trivial things would trigger my prayer life. When I see people that are reacting out of anger, I pray that her heart would be filled with love not hate. When I see people wrapped up in material possessions I pray that she would not find her value in a purse, a car, or some other toy. When I hear of teens whose parents have hurt them in unthinkable ways, the words that parents have said out of frustration and I pray that God would protect Kadence from my human-ness and that I would never speak words, even out of frustration, that would add pain to her life. When I see a tv show and some kid has cancer, falls in love for the first time, crys, etc I am overwhelmed by the responsibility and excitement that comes with this little being growing up. She may only be six weeks but she is learning non stop, she is watching Andy and I and our love for each other, she is taking in our love for others, learning our voices, she listens as we blare worship music, read her books, and tell her of our love, and God's love for her and for her story as she continues to grow and I am moved to prayer. I love praying for her and talking to Jesus about all of the little things as she continues to grow and develop...

...It may seem weird to tell you that we have a six week old and we have already started talking about our next child. If there will be a next child. If you don't know our story or anything about us you might be thinking...seriously can you not be grateful for what you have? Actually if I am honest sometimes I wrestle if by contemplating about what path God has for us for our next child if I, myself, am being ungrateful for all that God has given us. I mean God came through with one great big miracle for us, who am I to think another miracle is out there for us? Have I "ran out" of miracles? Then I put numbers to the paper and I get angry! How come adoption is so expensive! How come all it takes so many people I know to get pregnant is a missed pill, a case of beer, and a crazy night of fun. It's not fair! And then out of the deep pit of emotion I once knew as my truth I start to feel the anger and injustice surface...wait, I thought that girl was gone. I thought that girl had moved to happy world. Then my sinful nature comes out and I throw a temper-tantrum that if I was a "normal" woman I could just have a breast feeding miracle, and in 9 months maybe we would be getting another baby. Maybe Kadence would not be an only child. I try to tell God that just because Kadence was a miracle that blew us out of the water doesn't mean we would be less blown out of the water if He chose to give us another miracle. lol- like some sort of pleading with God would get my point across. But then let's be honest, that's how so many of my talks with God go. Kylie pleading her case, debating why I should get my way. I'm a mess, but at least I don't try and tell you I have it all together :) Then I try to sort out truths from Satan's lies because I know they are all mixed up in there. Truth is in the adoption world thinking about your "next child" is not far fetched for as long as this dang process can take. But truth is God is already taking care of it, and the next, and next, and next after that or however many next's there are. It may be years before we get another blessing of a child or Kadence may be an only child. Or God might fast track us like he did with K-Love. It might be astronomically expensive like the fee schedules claim, or God might take care of every last expense like he did with Kadence. Truth is that no mater how truthful it is that it feels "unfair" I am very aware that God is working out the timing, details, and every intricate part of our story...something he has continued to do from the beginning of time. So I turn my pondering of what to do next, to leaning into God...snuggling into Kadence and trusting God and that he knows our hearts desires, he knows our abundant love for Kadence and how grateful we are for her and her story. He knows, I don't. He's in control, I'm not.

So in the meantime I will love and spoil this little girl. I will tell her about Jesus, how he is writing her story. I will enjoy midnight feedings, cuddles, lack of make up and showers...I will lean in to every lazy Saturday, every stroller ride, and every smile. I will take it in and every time I look at Kadence I am reminded by God's glory, His story, and his love for this little girl, our little family, and for Andy and I.

This is the good life...end of blog diarrhea :)