Have you ever loved someone? Do you know the vulnerability that comes with TRUE love? I have known love in loving my husband, my family, and some very close friends...I never knew love with a child...with my child.
People always told me that in marriage my love for my husband would grow over time. I knew that to be true but was kind of fearful for Andy because I was crazy in love with him when we got married. But, here we are, 6 years later and my love for Andy is deeper and richer than it ever possibly could have been on our wedding day. I look forward to watching our love continue to grow as we go through life together.
Then bring in Kadence,another love that people described would grow over time. So much of my first few days with Kadence felt like babysitting. Even when we were home it still kind of felt like babysitting. I was in awe of her but I was secretly waiting for one of my teens to come in my front door and say thanks for watching her and take her home. I knew what it was like to babysit, I knew what it was like to love little ones and become very attached to them. I did not know what it felt like for Kadence to not leave after a day, a week, and now 3 months.
I have now gotten to experience her first smile, her first giggle, her first grasp of my finger, her first blow out diaper, her first congested nose, her first time taking antibiotics or children's tylenol, her first and second and third trip to the doctor. We've experienced lots of mishaps with each other as I adapt to being a new mom- like eating pizza and the parmesan cheese falls all over her and she looks like she has been in a snow storm, not having a prepared diaper bag (forgetting wipes or a bottle), my "wobble" as I carry her from place to place as I am sure that a 5 ft 4 woman is not supposed to balance easily with a car seat carrier. Through all of this: our late night feeds, countless trips to target, and our genuine love for each other somewhere along the way we became mother and daughter. Kadence trusts me that when she is in need I will come to her, she snuggles closer into to me than before, and her and I have this connection that if she is fussy I can just hold her close and we get through the fussiness together. Somewhere along the way she became my daughter...
I realized this transition happened this past weekend (I'm confident it happened before then but it has become VERY evident now) when we were celebrating mother's day and I woke up in a panic that someone was coming to take Kadence away from me. Satan's lies were all geared up and ready for the day as he paraded lies like "You're not her REAL mother" "It's not even official yet" "Baby daddy hasn't signed papers" "You're such a fraud" Starting mother's day this way was not how I planned. I was surrounded by deep sadness for our birth mom as I could not imagine the depth or emotions of this day for her. Right as I was praying for our birth mom, I get a text, it's from birth mom and she's wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day. As I started to talk with God I realized that somewhere I made the journey of being Kadence's babysitter and guardian to being Kadence's mother. With adoption there is a 6 month time in the state of Missouri before things become official...we are half way there...but I think when I was in babysitter/guardian mode the thoughts of the what if's did not enter my brain. But here I am now as Kadence's mother and loving her so much that the fears of the what if's are enough to keep me up at night.
As I sit here watching Kadence sleep, I remember back to sitting in the court room. I remember the judge asking, "Kylie are you prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to fight for Kadence if it were to come to that (if baby daddy decided to come back into the picture and fight for his rights)?" Those words today send me in to panic, worry, and fear. My response then was, "No, I'm not prepared but if it were to come to that we would get there" He asked again (I think I was supposed to say yes), "Are you prepared..." I know he wanted me to say yes emotionally I was prepared and could handle to fight for Kadence and potentially loose her. That was a lie! I am and will be ready to fight for Kadence any day of the week as it pertains to paternity, a bully fighting her on the playground, any sort of medical condition, or anything else that might come her way. I have signed up for a lifetime of fighting for her- being her biggest advocate and loving her through all of her lows and highs. I will fight for her...the part I couldn't get on board with was the emotionally prepared if it came to an end...That friends I am not prepared for. There is not enough prayer in the world, not enough books, not enough support, not enough of ANYTHING to prepare me for that. I would be a wreck! I would be worse than a wreck! It would be life shattering, pick Kylie off of the ground, horrible grief and pain for years and years...There are no words for the amount of pain I perceive that would be and that's with me having nothing to compare that magnitude of pain to.
But then just I am being taken aback by the emotion that comes with that fear in that same moment I am reminded about all of the love, fear, prayer, trust, and just falling before Jesus on your knees there is in this adoption. Want to get closer to Jesus? I am confident that starting the adoption process is a sure fire way to get with Jesus...it will rock your world! It more so than anything in my world thus far has reminded me of how little I am. How much NOT in control I am and how I am not God...and yet we keep moving forward. God has hand picked this child for me, there is no court document that could articulate it differently (and that's probably what scares me deep down more because I know the court system is broken and is not Jesus)...
This Sunday is Kadence's dedication! Andy and I along with our friends and family will stand before our church and commit to raising Kadence in a godly home. We will raise her to love Jesus! Part of that teaching her to love Jesus is Andy and I radically abandoning our own fears and leaning in to Jesus. He brought us this far and we are trusting Him to complete this good and perfect work in us and that He has a plan for Kadence and her future and that He will lovingly protect her through all of the legal/paperwork side of adoption. We are choosing to trust Jesus with our hearts and our fears...
Just as I love Andy more and more each day as I see him grow in his love for Jesus, others, our community, Kadence and myself...my love for Kadence grows more and more each day as I am filled with this love that I can not describe...it's a fighter kind of a love, it's a reckless kind of a love, it's an unconditional type of love, it's a warm fuzzy kind of love, it's a love that I truly believe there are no words for...it's a mother's love
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