Here in Kansas City we are preparing for a winter storm. There are so many unknowns as when it will start, how big it will be, and what the effects will be on us or on our community. I can't help but think that Andy and I are preparing for a storm as well (not a snow storm that so many are dreading but the whirlwind of a child joining our family) and I am left with a lot of the same questions. When will she be born, how big will she be, what effect will her little life have on me, on Andy, on our family, in our community and I get lost in my thoughts, love, and dreams for this little girl.
This morning I just got down on my knees and laid face down on the rug in the nursery, letting the peace that can only come from God pass through that room, over me, and settle into my heart...I followed it up by some good ole itunes...today's God's playlist consisted of Your Love by Shane and Shane and my eyes filled up with tears as the lyrics plead to God, "I'm overcoming fear, with your perfect love...Your love tears me up and when it's done puts me together" This has been my journey through infertility and through adoption. His perfect love overcoming my fear, tearing me apart to wrestle with all that's wrapped up in this and then putting me back together in only His way. My next song was Mighty to Save and I was reminded of the first adoption video that I saw of an adoptive family coming home with their new family, Mighty to Save was the sound track to the video and I wept. I remember them holding their newest member of their family and the tears in their eyes and you could see God working there too... The lump in my throat continues to make way to the top as I remember the raw emotions that have been there throughout this journey and continue to be there each and everyday as we approach the due date (7 days if anyone was counting). The next song was My Girl and I am immediately brought to a smile...I don't think you can listen to that song and not smile but when you are getting ready to bring a little girl into your family I think it takes on a whole new level of sunshine in my life...and then the next song was one less by matthew west...and although we are not half way around the world from our birth family (THANK GOODNESS) nor was this little girl ever abandoned (very much the opposite) but there is VERY much a wife begging God for a little girl she can call her own...and our worlds are very much colliding and then I can't even hold back the tears as he sings that man and wife brought that little girl home today...I want, I long for, I can't even put words to this emotion that is taking over me...
So I weep, so I dream, so I pray (repeat)...I am blown away by the God journey that adoption is. I am blown away by the selflessness of a birth mom, the courage, and strength that she has. I am blown away by the trust and faith it takes from adoptive parents. I am blown away how God uses both parties to minister to each other so that each feels His love and His power through this process. I am blown away how God shows off His love for us in the way He weaves our stories together in such a way that we are left with our jaws dropped, going how did this happen? We serve a great God that knows us...I don't think I grasped the extent of Psalm 139 until walking through adoption...God knows Kadence. He was there when she was knitted together in her mother womb and He knew exactly how He was going to weave her story together and at the same time was preparing mine and Andy's hearts to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially ready for this child individually and collectively in our marriage. We serve an amazing God and this morning as we prepare for this child and for this snow storm I am in awe of how blessed we are and how beautiful Kadence's story is and how much peace comes in trusting Him through this Journey...
Blessed!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Wait is the name of this game...
I have learned and am learning that I am impatient. We are not even to Kadence's due date and every morning I am like "Okay God, if today's the day...I'm ready...prepare my heart to meet this little girl, and protect birth mom and Kadence's during delivery and let everyone be safe. And please God while Kadence is waiting will you tell her how much I love her." then by noon my prayer sounds a bit more like, "Okay, God I'm serious I would love to go to the hospital today, I want to hold this little girl, will you tell her I am thinking about her? I know you know her birthdate...is there anyway you could share this with me? Gosh God, I am so excited!" and then by dinner and more so at bedtime my prayer looks like, "God Please! I need her here! I can't take it any longer! I'm so impatient! I'm sorry Lord that I just can't let you be in control. You already know Kadence's birthday and obviously it is not today. Please give me peace in this journey. It is so hard to love her, want her, and not be with her. Please comfort birth mom tonight as she tries to sleep and God that she too would know how much we love Kadence and how grateful we are to her for her decision. God let her know we love her too!" and then somewhere in there I fall asleep...this seems to be my daily rhythm...Then add in the random phone calls and texts of "where's that baby?" "is there a baby yet?" "anything?" and my impatience sky rockets...this is worse than the night before my wedding, worse than before any christmas...the want, the anticipation, the excitement, the fear, the love, the tears, the anxiety, the unknown. I have never in my whole life wanted something as bad as I want this little girl! So here I sit, praying, confessing my impatience, and holding on to the hope that God has this all taken care of and that Kadence will come at the exact right time, right day, in the right circumstances, and that God is taking care of all of the details. I'm trusting in Him this morning. Without Him this dream would always have stayed a dream. Every step, we have moved with Him leading, with Him in control. I know that all babies are miracles but this baby girl seems to have a very special place in God's heart as He orchestrates all the finite details of her story and weaves them together ever so perfectly so that NO ONE can deny that He is at work here and not us. He is in control, He is in control, He is in control...and I breathe in and breathe out and say it again...He is in control
Prayers for this week-
1. PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY be praying for it all- for the due date, for Kadence, for Birth Mom, for Andy and I and our families, for Birth Mom's family, for the doctors, for the nurses, for the lawyers, for the judge, for the details, for the emotions, for this journey...
Saturday, February 9, 2013
The rocking chair calls out to me...
There is one place in the whole house that has become my sanctuary over the last several weeks. It is the one place in my world where peace crashes in over anxiety...where God seems to sit, answer prayers, and comfort my soul. This one place slows life down to a deep and meaningful pace that I don't find in other places in life(although the coffee shop is my second place but it too does not compare to my new spot). This place is the rocking chair.
It's in one of my many many rocking sessions that I started to put all of life together (seems silly to admit this). If I would continue clicking along at the pace my life normally clicks at I never would have connected the dots.
So today I will unfold as much as I can for you...
It was about a year ago I found myself at this same Starbucks (291), drinking the same drink (white mocha), listening to the same music (While I'm Waiting), and crying out to God. I remember so vividly begging to God "Please don't make me go another year without a baby, without being a mom" Even uttering those words again as I type this makes me shutter at how real the pain and longing was and has been through this whole journey. The pain of longing for something with every ounce of your being...some how finding comfort in a God that knows me, knows my story, and restores my hope (even though looking back there were a lot of painful days and many that felt pretty hopeless) and here I sit a year later still longing for that baby. Instead of longing for the what ifs of a baby...I'm longing for a little girl, that has a name, and has a birth date, has a room, has a HUGE family, and has a story that is rich and is unfolding before my eyes. Today I am longing for her birthday, for holding her, for the court date, and for bringing her home...
Then there's this whole other part of getting a baby that is unique to adoption where you have a birth family. When Andy and I started the adoption process we had no idea what we wanted in a birth family. I honestly don't think I cared initially, all I could get through was wanting a baby and to whatever means that needed to look like I was game. There was one Sunday (I think back in June) when Dan was preaching and he gave us an index card that we could write someone we wanted next to us at Church...that Sunday I was overwhelmed with love and compassion and the need to pray for our birth mom. I prayed that she would know Jesus, that she would understand our love for her child, that she would be part of our family. Granted at this point in the praying process I kind of felt like I was dreaming, not sure if the things I dreamed about were even possible to find in a birth mom...but there I sat making my list...I remember watching a video on open adoption later that day and there was a birth mom, adoptive mom, and an adoptive dad and they were all playing with the adopted child and talking about how open adoption was the best decision they had ever made and how they operated like an extended family. They talked about how healthy it was for the birth mom and adopted child, and how beautiful it was for the adoptive family. I found myself longing for this even though I didn't understand it. And here I sit thinking through this past week of going to Custards on a whim to have ice cream with our birth mom and we just sat for hours talking...like friends, like family, like two moms that are preparing for a journey of a lifetime together. There was a moment in our conversation and she said "I love you guys" talking about Andy and I and my heart melted. That's what my heart has felt and couldn't articulate since the moment I knew of her and then every time I learn more and more about her...I love her. Then this week we went to see Warm Bodies at AMC and then to Chipotle. Once again, the peace that comes from just being in her presence...and then today I am overwhelmed again with my love for her, for her heart, for her decision to place her child for adoption. The selflessness, the courage, the maturity, the love...and I am brought back to my prayers for her. God has answered them...even my petty dreams of playing in a park all together...these are all things that seem very practical in the relationship we have built and the family we are brining Kadence into. My heart is overwhelmed about how God crashes in and takes care of even the littlest details like similarities between Andy and I and our birth mom...
Birth Mom and I-
Love sour candy, love coney dogs from sonic, think the color sea foam green is awesome, we both went to the same high school, had/have some of the same teachers, both grew up Methodist, and are best friends with our moms.
Andy and our Birth Mom-
Love puzzle games, have this crazy love for dogs, were born in the same hospital, love chocolate cherry shakes from sonic, and are both very musically gifted.
Then there are things that this little girl already has in common with her birth mom (besides all the obvious things they will share, like genetics-lol)- like the pediatrician that we picked is the same pediatrician that saw our birth mom when she was a baby (I am sure there will be so many more things as Kadence grows that we will be able to share with her the love, the similarities, and how God truly weaves our stories together).
Then there is yesterday, yesterday we got to go to our first sonogram ever...I know that is not uncommon for most but for people that work with teens and have 18teens that have given birth in your organization and have been to MANY prenatal appointments and yet NEVER been to a sonogram. There have been days when I was supposed to go and something came up at the last minute and I couldn't go. Or there was a time when Andy was supposed to go and he just came out and said, " I don't really want to go. I was really hoping the first sonogram I ever saw would be our baby." I remember as a wife, doubting his longing was possible, crying out to God in anger that Andy would even say those words to me...doesn't he know I was trying...didn't he know that I wanted to go to a sonogram that was ours too? Then there was yesterday...Andy and I's first sonogram, only a couple of weeks before this beautiful baby's birth. The feet, the hands, the head, the brain, the stomach, the little lungs practicing breathing, and the heart beat...I still don't think my heart is letting me process all that I saw or went through yesterday...I'm blown away by my love for this little girl already...
So here I sit, piecing all of my rocking sessions together...remembering the pain, holding on to the hope, embracing the love, breathing in the peace, and seeing where God is crashing in all over the place in this little girl's story! It doesn't feel like our birth mom picked us, it doesn't feel like we made a choice and said let's do adoption. It feels like this little girl, this birth mom, this birth mom's family was all hand picked by God for Andy and I, for such a time as this...
Letting God be in control, trusting that all of our dreams are right around the corner, and anticipating the birth of this little girl we wait, and ask for your prayers as we continue down this journey of nothing short of a miracle...
Things to pray for this week- Please pray for Kadence as she continues to grow (she doesn't have much space now). Pray for birth mom as she is pretty uncomfortable at this point and is on homebound now. Pray for Birth Mom and her nerves about giving birth, pray for the delivery that it would go smoothly and that both birth mom and Kadence would be safe and healthy. Pray for the hours following Kadence's birth that everyone would be filled with peace, that there would be truly beautiful moments in the hospital that are orchestrated by God to bring healing and bonding to all families in this union. Please pray for our court date, the papers, and all of the legal stuff...that it would go smoothly and that God would take care of all of the details. We appreciate your prayers and we can feel them as we move through this journey...
For people that just want details on Kadence- what I know from yesterday is that she is about 7lbs currently, her heart beat was 163 yesterday, and she has hair...the baby has dropped and is head down...and so we wait...
It's in one of my many many rocking sessions that I started to put all of life together (seems silly to admit this). If I would continue clicking along at the pace my life normally clicks at I never would have connected the dots.
So today I will unfold as much as I can for you...
It was about a year ago I found myself at this same Starbucks (291), drinking the same drink (white mocha), listening to the same music (While I'm Waiting), and crying out to God. I remember so vividly begging to God "Please don't make me go another year without a baby, without being a mom" Even uttering those words again as I type this makes me shutter at how real the pain and longing was and has been through this whole journey. The pain of longing for something with every ounce of your being...some how finding comfort in a God that knows me, knows my story, and restores my hope (even though looking back there were a lot of painful days and many that felt pretty hopeless) and here I sit a year later still longing for that baby. Instead of longing for the what ifs of a baby...I'm longing for a little girl, that has a name, and has a birth date, has a room, has a HUGE family, and has a story that is rich and is unfolding before my eyes. Today I am longing for her birthday, for holding her, for the court date, and for bringing her home...
Then there's this whole other part of getting a baby that is unique to adoption where you have a birth family. When Andy and I started the adoption process we had no idea what we wanted in a birth family. I honestly don't think I cared initially, all I could get through was wanting a baby and to whatever means that needed to look like I was game. There was one Sunday (I think back in June) when Dan was preaching and he gave us an index card that we could write someone we wanted next to us at Church...that Sunday I was overwhelmed with love and compassion and the need to pray for our birth mom. I prayed that she would know Jesus, that she would understand our love for her child, that she would be part of our family. Granted at this point in the praying process I kind of felt like I was dreaming, not sure if the things I dreamed about were even possible to find in a birth mom...but there I sat making my list...I remember watching a video on open adoption later that day and there was a birth mom, adoptive mom, and an adoptive dad and they were all playing with the adopted child and talking about how open adoption was the best decision they had ever made and how they operated like an extended family. They talked about how healthy it was for the birth mom and adopted child, and how beautiful it was for the adoptive family. I found myself longing for this even though I didn't understand it. And here I sit thinking through this past week of going to Custards on a whim to have ice cream with our birth mom and we just sat for hours talking...like friends, like family, like two moms that are preparing for a journey of a lifetime together. There was a moment in our conversation and she said "I love you guys" talking about Andy and I and my heart melted. That's what my heart has felt and couldn't articulate since the moment I knew of her and then every time I learn more and more about her...I love her. Then this week we went to see Warm Bodies at AMC and then to Chipotle. Once again, the peace that comes from just being in her presence...and then today I am overwhelmed again with my love for her, for her heart, for her decision to place her child for adoption. The selflessness, the courage, the maturity, the love...and I am brought back to my prayers for her. God has answered them...even my petty dreams of playing in a park all together...these are all things that seem very practical in the relationship we have built and the family we are brining Kadence into. My heart is overwhelmed about how God crashes in and takes care of even the littlest details like similarities between Andy and I and our birth mom...
Birth Mom and I-
Love sour candy, love coney dogs from sonic, think the color sea foam green is awesome, we both went to the same high school, had/have some of the same teachers, both grew up Methodist, and are best friends with our moms.
Andy and our Birth Mom-
Love puzzle games, have this crazy love for dogs, were born in the same hospital, love chocolate cherry shakes from sonic, and are both very musically gifted.
Then there are things that this little girl already has in common with her birth mom (besides all the obvious things they will share, like genetics-lol)- like the pediatrician that we picked is the same pediatrician that saw our birth mom when she was a baby (I am sure there will be so many more things as Kadence grows that we will be able to share with her the love, the similarities, and how God truly weaves our stories together).
Then there is yesterday, yesterday we got to go to our first sonogram ever...I know that is not uncommon for most but for people that work with teens and have 18teens that have given birth in your organization and have been to MANY prenatal appointments and yet NEVER been to a sonogram. There have been days when I was supposed to go and something came up at the last minute and I couldn't go. Or there was a time when Andy was supposed to go and he just came out and said, " I don't really want to go. I was really hoping the first sonogram I ever saw would be our baby." I remember as a wife, doubting his longing was possible, crying out to God in anger that Andy would even say those words to me...doesn't he know I was trying...didn't he know that I wanted to go to a sonogram that was ours too? Then there was yesterday...Andy and I's first sonogram, only a couple of weeks before this beautiful baby's birth. The feet, the hands, the head, the brain, the stomach, the little lungs practicing breathing, and the heart beat...I still don't think my heart is letting me process all that I saw or went through yesterday...I'm blown away by my love for this little girl already...
So here I sit, piecing all of my rocking sessions together...remembering the pain, holding on to the hope, embracing the love, breathing in the peace, and seeing where God is crashing in all over the place in this little girl's story! It doesn't feel like our birth mom picked us, it doesn't feel like we made a choice and said let's do adoption. It feels like this little girl, this birth mom, this birth mom's family was all hand picked by God for Andy and I, for such a time as this...
Letting God be in control, trusting that all of our dreams are right around the corner, and anticipating the birth of this little girl we wait, and ask for your prayers as we continue down this journey of nothing short of a miracle...
Things to pray for this week- Please pray for Kadence as she continues to grow (she doesn't have much space now). Pray for birth mom as she is pretty uncomfortable at this point and is on homebound now. Pray for Birth Mom and her nerves about giving birth, pray for the delivery that it would go smoothly and that both birth mom and Kadence would be safe and healthy. Pray for the hours following Kadence's birth that everyone would be filled with peace, that there would be truly beautiful moments in the hospital that are orchestrated by God to bring healing and bonding to all families in this union. Please pray for our court date, the papers, and all of the legal stuff...that it would go smoothly and that God would take care of all of the details. We appreciate your prayers and we can feel them as we move through this journey...
For people that just want details on Kadence- what I know from yesterday is that she is about 7lbs currently, her heart beat was 163 yesterday, and she has hair...the baby has dropped and is head down...and so we wait...
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