The rocking chair calls out to me...

There is one place in the whole house that has become my sanctuary over the last several weeks. It is the one place in my world where peace crashes in over anxiety...where God seems to sit, answer prayers, and comfort my soul. This one place slows life down to a deep and meaningful pace that I don't find in other places in life(although the coffee shop is my second place but it too does not compare to my new spot). This place is the rocking chair.

It's in one of my many many rocking sessions that I started to put all of life together (seems silly to admit this). If I would continue clicking along at the pace my life normally clicks at I never would have connected the dots.

So today I will unfold as much as I can for you...

It was about a year ago I found myself at this same Starbucks (291), drinking the same drink (white mocha), listening to the same music (While I'm Waiting), and crying out to God. I remember so vividly begging to God "Please don't make me go another year without a baby, without being a mom" Even uttering those words again as I type this makes me shutter at how real the pain and longing was and has been through this whole journey. The pain of longing for something with every ounce of your being...some how finding comfort in a God that knows me, knows my story, and restores my hope (even though looking back there were a lot of painful days and many that felt pretty hopeless) and here I sit a year later still longing for that baby. Instead of longing for the what ifs of a baby...I'm longing for a little girl, that has a name, and has a birth date, has a room, has a HUGE family, and has a story that is rich and is unfolding before my eyes. Today I am longing for her birthday, for holding her, for the court date, and for bringing her home...

Then there's this whole other part of getting a baby that is unique to adoption where you have a birth family. When Andy and I started the adoption process we had no idea what we wanted in a birth family. I honestly don't think I cared initially, all I could get through was wanting a baby and to whatever means that needed to look like I was game. There was one Sunday (I think back in June) when Dan was preaching and he gave us an index card that we could write someone we wanted next to us at Church...that Sunday I was overwhelmed with love and compassion and the need to pray for our birth mom. I prayed that she would know Jesus, that she would understand our love for her child, that she would be part of our family. Granted at this point in the praying process I kind of felt like I was dreaming, not sure if the things I dreamed about were even possible to find in a birth mom...but there I sat making my list...I remember watching a video on open adoption later that day and there was a birth mom, adoptive mom, and an adoptive dad and they were all playing with the adopted child and talking about how open adoption was the best decision they had ever made and how they operated like an extended family. They talked about how healthy it was for the birth mom and adopted child, and how beautiful it was for the adoptive family. I found myself longing for this even though I didn't understand it. And here I sit thinking through this past week of going to Custards on a whim to have ice cream with our birth mom and we just sat for hours talking...like friends, like family, like two moms that are preparing for a journey of a lifetime together. There was a moment in our conversation and she said "I love you guys" talking about Andy and I and my heart melted. That's what my heart has felt and couldn't articulate since the moment I knew of her and then every time I learn more and more about her...I love her. Then this week we went to see Warm Bodies at AMC and then to Chipotle. Once again, the peace that comes from just being in her presence...and then today I am overwhelmed again with my love for her, for her heart, for her decision to place her child for adoption. The selflessness, the courage, the maturity, the love...and I am brought back to my prayers for her. God has answered them...even my petty dreams of playing in a park all together...these are all things that seem very practical in the relationship we have built and the family we are brining Kadence into. My heart is overwhelmed about how God crashes in and takes care of even the littlest details like similarities between Andy and I and our birth mom...
Birth Mom and I-
Love sour candy, love coney dogs from sonic, think the color sea foam green is awesome, we both went to the same high school, had/have some of the same teachers, both grew up Methodist, and are best friends with our moms.
Andy and our Birth Mom-
Love puzzle games, have this crazy love for dogs, were born in the same hospital, love chocolate cherry shakes from sonic, and are both very musically gifted.

Then there are things that this little girl already has in common with her birth mom (besides all the obvious things they will share, like genetics-lol)- like the pediatrician that we picked is the same pediatrician that saw our birth mom when she was a baby (I am sure there will be so many more things as Kadence grows that we will be able to share with her the love, the similarities, and how God truly weaves our stories together).

Then there is yesterday, yesterday we got to go to our first sonogram ever...I know that is not uncommon for most but for people that work with teens and have 18teens that have given birth in your organization and have been to MANY prenatal appointments and yet NEVER been to a sonogram. There have been days when I was supposed to go and something came up at the last minute and I couldn't go. Or there was a time when Andy was supposed to go and he just came out and said, " I don't really want to go. I was really hoping the first sonogram I ever saw would be our baby." I remember as a wife, doubting his longing was possible, crying out to God in anger that Andy would even say those words to me...doesn't he know I was trying...didn't he know that I wanted to go to a sonogram that was ours too? Then there was yesterday...Andy and I's first sonogram, only a couple of weeks before this beautiful baby's birth. The feet, the hands, the head, the brain, the stomach, the little lungs practicing breathing, and the heart beat...I still don't think my heart is letting me process all that I saw or went through yesterday...I'm blown away by my love for this little girl already...

So here I sit, piecing all of my rocking sessions together...remembering the pain, holding on to the hope, embracing the love, breathing in the peace, and seeing where God is crashing in all over the place in this little girl's story! It doesn't feel like our birth mom picked us, it doesn't feel like we made a choice and said let's do adoption. It feels like this little girl, this birth mom, this birth mom's family was all hand picked by God for Andy and I, for such a time as this...

Letting God be in control, trusting that all of our dreams are right around the corner, and anticipating the birth of this little girl we wait, and ask for your prayers as we continue down this journey of nothing short of a miracle...

Things to pray for this week- Please pray for Kadence as she continues to grow (she doesn't have much space now). Pray for birth mom as she is pretty uncomfortable at this point and is on homebound now. Pray for Birth Mom and her nerves about giving birth, pray for the delivery that it would go smoothly and that both birth mom and Kadence would be safe and healthy. Pray for the hours following Kadence's birth that everyone would be filled with peace, that there would be truly beautiful moments in the hospital that are orchestrated by God to bring healing and bonding to all families in this union. Please pray for our court date, the papers, and all of the legal stuff...that it would go smoothly and that God would take care of all of the details. We appreciate your prayers and we can feel them as we move through this journey...

For people that just want details on Kadence- what I know from yesterday is that she is about 7lbs currently, her heart beat was 163 yesterday, and she has hair...the baby has dropped and is head down...and so we wait...