The how to's: Kylie's Guide to adoption

I am just one person, one story, one experience...I do not claim to know all of the ins and outs of adoption. We did private adoption (we did not go through an agency) and so what I know is private adoption...but for the countless e-mails that I get about the how to's here it goes-

When we decided to seek adoption- I knew from the time I was in 8th grade that I had PCOS, I knew that having a family was going to be difficult but didn't really spend a lot of time on the issue (except when I would throw myself a pitty party). I meet Andy. Andy thinks adoption is cool and so do I. We get married in 2007. We went off birth control in Dec of 2007. In July of 2010 I did 3 rounds of chlomid. (Break- Kylie's thoughts on fertility treatments: They are expensive. Insurance usually does not cover. Decide before you go into it how far you want to go and use that as your stopping ground. I have seen countless marriages have ugly patches because of fertility treatments and everyone not being on the same page.) We had decided that Chlomid was as far as we were going (this is very minimal in comparison to all the fertility treatments you can do). We decided that if chlomid didn't work we were ready to try adoption. We knew there were babies out there that needed adopted regardless of the ability of my ovaries to work or fail :) In fall of 2011 Andy and I were spending time with Jesus apart from each other and I had stumbled upon a photo listing of kids that were waiting to be adopted. I then started sending names of kids to andy that I thought we "needed" and then before I knew it he had found the site I was on and we were texting back and forth our picks for kids. I joked around how I was kidding, Andy knows me too well and knew that I was not. Thus we started the adoption conversation.
The research- I am like the queen of research! I researched enough to teach myself how to run a non-profit, so I was confident I could research enough to do adoption. I googled my life away on adoption and probably if Andy knew how much time I spent on the issue he would have banned my research. I looked up laws, researched agencies, met with adoptive moms, read adoption blogs...you name it, I did it. After calling around different agencies we decided to go with Catholic Charities in about may of 2012 (for no other reason than it was the cheapest and we thought they might have lots of babies) We submitted our application only to not hear anything back. We then found out that we were on a waiting list to be on a waiting list. That the "real waiting list" the one they show their birth moms only had 15 people on it at any given time and so we were not even a possibility to birth moms until someone moved off the "real one" and then it was a matter of if we got picked. (they try to give a variety to their birth moms of young/old, kids/no kids, etc) Ironically as the story would go February 1st, 2013 (23 days before our Kadence was born) we got moved up to the "real" list.

The wait- With adoption the hardest part is the waiting, waiting for "the call", waiting for court, waiting, waiting, waiting...This is where I am a huge fan of spending time with Jesus and where a good chunk of my journaling came to be.

The Call- It was October 16,2012 I had not heard ANYTHING about adoption stuff in months, I was bitter, angry, suffering, and alone. I was prepping to have kids afterschool and long story short I had 3 conversations that day of "potential babies". One was from someone my mother-in-law knew, one was a teen girl that had just found out she was pregnant, and then the other was a woman in town that knew of Andy and I through church and had a young woman she knew that was having a baby girl in Feb. All three call in one day, I didn't know if any of them would pan out but my hope in adoption was re-lit. It was then that I went back to the research mode of figuring out how to do a private adoption (when the birth mom finds you or picks you and you are not placed through an agency). We found Christian Family Services and our Social worker Nikki (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND BOTH). Basically their advice was to wait until I knew more and to call them to start the home study when we were ready. Waiting was fine with me, we were getting ready for our fall fundraiser at work, I had a teen that I was very vested in that was about to give birth, and Pro Deo was moving out of my home...so I had plenty to think about. My teen gave birth on the 14th and I was fine with not having a baby at that time because I knew that I was going to be very hands on in this situation, something I was ready and excited to do.  That friday when the girl got released from the hospital she made a decision that rocked me to my core, she decided to go be with her family (a great choice) it just blindsided me and left me all alone and I was crushed. I spent some time pulling myself together and dealing with the heartache. One week passed and I got a call to go stop by and see a woman from our church. That is not un-natural or out of the ordinary. She had done some work with Pro Deo and so I didn't think anything about it and went. When I walked in there sat a girl, a girl that now has my heart for life! This girl opened her mouth, I don't even remember all that was said but I felt like she completed me. She uttered words that she wanted Andy and I to adopt her baby girl (due in 12 weeks). I cried, called my family, they cried, called more people, we cried, I kept crying. I pulled myself together to make it through our event that night and later that week we met her family.

Meeting of the Birth Mom- Our birth mom was/is very mature and has a good head on her shoulders and has an amazing family. Our initial questions and answers we all exchanged consisted of favorite ice cream flavors (since we were at custards), our family stories, how we saw our life going from here on out and other general get to know you questions. Our relationship with our birth family was about every two weeks or so until it got closer. We connected via e-mail and in person. It was very laid back. As it got closer to Kadence's birth and when birth mom was on homebound we started hanging out more just the two of us, something that will forever be very special to me. When it got really close to her due date we did lots of walking trying to walk Kadence out :)

The Legal stuff- So much of what you do with adoption doesn't start until the baby is here. Once the baby is born you call the lawyers and social workers and then they start the count down and take care of everything from there. Before the baby gets here you do the home study (i.e. lots of paperwork and cool hang out times with your social worker). You also hire an attorney for the birth mom and also a social worker for her. (Your lawyer will walk you through all of this and makes it very painless)

The day of birth- I feel like I cover this pretty well in my blog post titled Dreams Really Do Come True

Kylie's Tips- Our birth mom did an awesome job of advocating for us at the hospital which made me feel really apart of the process. 1st she gave me one of the id bracelets (that meant that Kadence was either with me or her). She advocated for Kadnece and I to do skin to skin contact which meant that Andy and I got very special time with Kadence right after she was born. The whole time we were at the hospital I felt like our birth mom was keeping us a part of the day which then made the doctors, nurses, and everyone else keep us in the loop too. We had a beautiful time at the hospital and felt very included. So my tip would be to get an amazing birth mom and have her advocate for you :)

After Court- You go to the hospital, show them your temporary custody papers, and they load you up a baby :)

Financial Stuff- This is the question that I get asked the most and as we all know...Adoption is expensive! There is no way around it. But please don't let that frustrate you. For us it will be about 10,000 all said and done. You don't have to pay it all in one lump sum which helps and there is a tax credit that you can get after the adoption is final that will help too. There are also places that do loans, grants, etc to help with payment. Private adoption seems to be cheaper than going through an agency, but that is our experience. If birth mom does not have insurance get her on medicaid and if your birth mom has private insurance check with your insurance about how and when child can be added to your policy.

That's all I know thus far, I hope that helps those considering adoption or struggling with infertility. Adoption truly is a walk of faith in the deepest way I know. God is working all over this world making families. Whether you go through an agency, the state, or a private adoption...if you do domestic or international God is there. Adoption is a wait that feels like will last an eternity but then when it comes down to it from the call to day of birth it was 12 weeks and most mommies have 9 months to prepare.

Come Feb 24th (We want Kadence to be at least one) of this year we will probably submit our paperwork to have another child join our family and see what God has in store for us and our future as a family. In my opinion I think our plan should be to always be in the wrestle of adoption or in the process of it. It is an intimate journey for our marriage, for our walk with God, and pulls us closer to friends and family. Adoption is BEAUTIFUL! I secretly hope that all of our birth moms and birth families are as amazing as Kadence's but we count our blessings for what we have been give thus far.

Till next time-

To blog or not to blog...is it even a question?

I know I have been a little distant on my blogging, I have figured out the root of my problem is fear! I know you are probably thinking- really almost 6 months in and you are STILL battling fear? I know I thought I would be past that now too. But, I have had so many people reach out to me asking me about the adoption process that I thought I would blog on, embrace the fear, and take this journey one step at a time-

So why the fear and why now? Well, in the good ole state of Missouri (and probably a lot of other states too) once you decide to adopt, you actually get temporary custody for 6 months- I know crazy to think that Andy and I are just Kadence's "Temporary Guardians". I know that I am her mom and that Andy is her dad and Kadence very much knows that too but to the pesky little courts we are just "Temporary". The word temporary freaks me out and the closer we get to our six month mark the more in fear I live...to know that one person, one family, one judge could take all this away gives me nightmares. To think that we might not get to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas together...that there might be a void bigger than any void I have ever experienced in my life coming my way. Then I think about work, being a wife, loving others and I find myself begging God (something I am sure he is a huge fan of) to please let everything with court go well, that I am confident I will not be able to function if things were to not go in our favor at court. I am confident I could not function as a wife, as a business woman, or as any other hat I need to wear if things go poorly. I find myself looking at the calendar and then counting down the days- 6 months plus 45 days till court after that and find myself questioning if I should put myself on vacation that week...If I am this much of a wreck right now how will I be then? So here's why I haven't been blogging...If you are reading this you probably think I sound like a crazy woman at this point. How can one human obsess over one day for so long...ESPECIALLY when that girl is a Christian and knows all of these things in her head about not worrying about tomorrow or about how God is working for the good not harm of those who love him and yet my heart is terrified. My emotions are raw, my heart is invested, and I am scared.

So from the practicality side these are the downfalls of adoption...I wish that I was sitting here right now and could tell you that the only thing I was thinking about was how much Kadence is growing, how she loves story time with her daddy, how she likes to help me cook, eat baby food, play with Jada, and explore this new world. I wish I could tell you about all the ways I have grown as a mom and as a wife over the last 5 1/2 months. But instead I am taking off my mask, showing you behind the smile lives a very scared mommy who is clinging to my beautiful daughter begging God to let me be her forever mommy. I did not know you could love to this depth, or hurt to this depth, or fear to this depth...my emotions are real.

I think on the positive side one thing that I have learned through this whole thing is how to not take a single day/night for granted. Every snuggle, every moment that we are together I find myself taking it all in- knowing that worst case scenario is that God has entrusted to me a tiny human for 5 1/2 months and I will love her with everything in me till the day that I die regardless of what the courts say and that for these 6 months she has and will continue to have the best life a little human could have with tons and tons of love...

So practically speaking what has to take place so that we can be Kadence's forever family?
At 6 months our lawyer will try and track down birth dad (the only person who has not signed rights away)
If they are able to sign papers and if he is willing to sign- he will sign and we will set court date
If they are unable to find him they will file an abandonment clause (or whatever it's technical term is) and we will get our court date for finalization 45 days later
If they are able to sign him and he DOES NOT sign them or wants to fight it- then we have a problem
The hard part is I wish there was a way to tell him, you know if you want to be in Kadence's life we don't have a problem with her knowing you. But with him just getting "served" papers that seems so cold and so abrasive...and he will have no way of knowing how much we love her...maybe the courts would let me make him a care package that could articulate all of that- lol

Ugh...brain on overload...taking a break to go spend time with Jesus...arguably what I should have done prior to this post...feeling human-
Till next time, please be praying for us!