I know I have been a little distant on my blogging, I have figured out the root of my problem is fear! I know you are probably thinking- really almost 6 months in and you are STILL battling fear? I know I thought I would be past that now too. But, I have had so many people reach out to me asking me about the adoption process that I thought I would blog on, embrace the fear, and take this journey one step at a time-
So why the fear and why now? Well, in the good ole state of Missouri (and probably a lot of other states too) once you decide to adopt, you actually get temporary custody for 6 months- I know crazy to think that Andy and I are just Kadence's "Temporary Guardians". I know that I am her mom and that Andy is her dad and Kadence very much knows that too but to the pesky little courts we are just "Temporary". The word temporary freaks me out and the closer we get to our six month mark the more in fear I live...to know that one person, one family, one judge could take all this away gives me nightmares. To think that we might not get to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas together...that there might be a void bigger than any void I have ever experienced in my life coming my way. Then I think about work, being a wife, loving others and I find myself begging God (something I am sure he is a huge fan of) to please let everything with court go well, that I am confident I will not be able to function if things were to not go in our favor at court. I am confident I could not function as a wife, as a business woman, or as any other hat I need to wear if things go poorly. I find myself looking at the calendar and then counting down the days- 6 months plus 45 days till court after that and find myself questioning if I should put myself on vacation that week...If I am this much of a wreck right now how will I be then? So here's why I haven't been blogging...If you are reading this you probably think I sound like a crazy woman at this point. How can one human obsess over one day for so long...ESPECIALLY when that girl is a Christian and knows all of these things in her head about not worrying about tomorrow or about how God is working for the good not harm of those who love him and yet my heart is terrified. My emotions are raw, my heart is invested, and I am scared.
So from the practicality side these are the downfalls of adoption...I wish that I was sitting here right now and could tell you that the only thing I was thinking about was how much Kadence is growing, how she loves story time with her daddy, how she likes to help me cook, eat baby food, play with Jada, and explore this new world. I wish I could tell you about all the ways I have grown as a mom and as a wife over the last 5 1/2 months. But instead I am taking off my mask, showing you behind the smile lives a very scared mommy who is clinging to my beautiful daughter begging God to let me be her forever mommy. I did not know you could love to this depth, or hurt to this depth, or fear to this depth...my emotions are real.
I think on the positive side one thing that I have learned through this whole thing is how to not take a single day/night for granted. Every snuggle, every moment that we are together I find myself taking it all in- knowing that worst case scenario is that God has entrusted to me a tiny human for 5 1/2 months and I will love her with everything in me till the day that I die regardless of what the courts say and that for these 6 months she has and will continue to have the best life a little human could have with tons and tons of love...
So practically speaking what has to take place so that we can be Kadence's forever family?
At 6 months our lawyer will try and track down birth dad (the only person who has not signed rights away)
If they are able to sign papers and if he is willing to sign- he will sign and we will set court date
If they are unable to find him they will file an abandonment clause (or whatever it's technical term is) and we will get our court date for finalization 45 days later
If they are able to sign him and he DOES NOT sign them or wants to fight it- then we have a problem
The hard part is I wish there was a way to tell him, you know if you want to be in Kadence's life we don't have a problem with her knowing you. But with him just getting "served" papers that seems so cold and so abrasive...and he will have no way of knowing how much we love her...maybe the courts would let me make him a care package that could articulate all of that- lol
Ugh...brain on overload...taking a break to go spend time with Jesus...arguably what I should have done prior to this post...feeling human-
Till next time, please be praying for us!
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