Grateful for the things I didn't know were missing...

A year ago today, I don't remember what I was doing. I don't remember if Andy had off, I don't remember if I was busy...It was just an ordinary Monday night. I went to bed, just like I will do tonight, not knowing tomorrow my world would be any different. A year ago tomorrow is when I got the phone call about Kadence and got to meet our birth mom for the very first time. A year has passed since that day and I have never experienced as much joy, laughter, and just contentment as I have these past 12 months. As we celebrated our finalization in the court room this past Friday I have been doing some reflecting on this journey, on my life as a mom, and on parenting. If you would have told me a year ago all the things I was missing by not being a mommy, I would have believed you and my heart would have ached to experience those things but the things I was excited about and longed for are in no way the things that I love most these days. So I have made a list, unique to us and our parenting of Miss K in this stage she is in. I titled this list the things I didn't know were missing...
1. The art of wrangling a 9 month old into her sleeper (I really think wrestling a greased pig might be easier)
2. Giving a bath to K and getting just as soaked as she splashed about with glee
3. Doing the dishes and feeling little hands pulling up on your legs because she wants to stand next to you
4. Watching her awe as she discovers new sounds, voices, textures, and effects of things she does
5. how much just seeing herself in the mirror would bring the both of us delight and laughter
6. Sitting under the heated blanket in the morning as we do our morning feed with no one else around or awake and no noise...just mommy and Kadence cuddled up and taking each other in
7. How much excitement a pile of books can bring Miss K, she could sit all day with a pile of books and I love to read to her, listen to Andy read to her (that is truly the best), or listen to her talk as she tries reading them to herself
8. I love how she responds to Abby Cadabby from sesame street and yet she had never seen sesame street before but when Abby comes on TV or she sees something with Abby in a store she instantly starts squealing with delight
9. I love that at night I put Kadence to bed with her bear on the heart beat setting and her G-Pass (her giraffe pacifier) and then when I wake up in the morning she is holding her bear but it is now on the music setting and she is sucking on her G-Pass. Earlier this week I walked in on this but she was rocking her bear, with the music on, while sucking on her G-Pass
10. I love it when she cries, because her tears pierce my heart and I am reminded every time one of her tears fall the depth of my love for her
11. I love her adventure side and that she is always wanting to try something new (and usually a little scary to mommy) and that she has a knack for finding the smallest, tiniest, piece of anything anywhere and pick it up and that makes her feel so accomplished
12. I love to watch her clap
13. I even love the separation anxiety that has kicked in this week...it makes everything take even longer than it already did but cuddling that girl rocks my world
14. Her open mouthed kisses that are just a bit more slobbery than the average persons
15. Watching her and Andy play together and watching her giggle or squeal when he even walks in the door from work
16. Taking care of a sick baby and all the emotions that come with not being able to make her better

I also love how such a tiny little girl can seem like she understands so much of the world that is going on around her. On friday, while we were sitting at the table in the court room Kadence was disinterested in our lawyer and the things he was talking about. She would rather have been beating on the table or attacking some toy I had recovered from the diaper bag. But there were two times (at least) that melted my heart on Friday and made me question what all she was taking in for the day. The first was when the lawyer was asking me my questions...he asked a series of questions and through all of the questions Kadence was just minding her own business and I was answering yes to his questions. Then he asked, Are you here today before the courts desiring to be Kadence's mommy forever? At that moment Kadence stopped what she was doing and looked me right in the eyes and as I looked back at her I replied absolutely as I choked backed my tears. Then at the conclusion of the court the judge is rattling off everything she has to say (which is a lot) and then she says on this date, at this time I officially declare the adoption and then said Kadence's whole name with her new last name official and Kadence's started clapping...it's the little things like this that make my heart ponder how much does that little soul pick up on...if she picked up on nothing or all of it, it's a day for the books!

Sigh...My life is blessed, my family and I have so much to be thankful for this year. We do not take lightly the blessings that God has bestowed upon us this year. This little girl has my heart, my soul, my everything...I knew I wanted to be a mommy, I knew I would love being a mommy...I did not know however that these were the things that were missing from my life and that they would be the things I love most about my day to day life these days.

Happy Thanksgiving from our grateful family of 4! (Andy, Momma Bear, K, and Jada)

Miracle week...

Do you ever have those weeks where you are just like...THAT was ordained by God? This week in the  world of babies God was faithful!

Monday, one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Most babies being born are beautiful but this baby is a miracle! Her mommy, much like me was diagnosed with PCOS. Her mommy, much like me had trouble conceiving but through the help of fertility stuff they were able to conceive two boys earlier in their marriage. My friend still longed for a baby girl but had decided that 2 boys and they were probably done. Soon after making the decision that THEY were done, God was not! She conceived a baby with no doctors, no fertility, and no planning.  She had decided in her head that it was a boy (since history would lead you to believe that). I remember the 4th of july week when she went to have her gender reveal ultrasound and when it came through that it was a girl, I went CRAZY! God had answered the longings of her heart! God had heard the desires of her heart, and created a miracle in such a way that this baby girl would never be able to deny that SHE is indeed a gift from God, a mommy's answered prayers...God showing off with the impossible...and we as his people are left in awe of His timing and his glory!

Flash forward to Wednesday and another set of our dear friends went to the hospital to witness the induction of their first baby being born through adoption. Come Thursday morning, there was beautiful baby boy born into this world. This mommy is very near to my heart because we walked through the pain of infertility, of painful baby showers, of wrestling with God through it all. She is bigger than me, because she was so supportive when we had Kadence...I am pretty sure if it would have been the other way around I would have thrown a two year old's temper tantrum (I pray that would not really have been true, but I think it might have been). They have been on the whirlwind of adoption and although so many things in our story are similar (down to the same lawyers, social workers, etc) there is so much in our story that is different. But I am so grateful for a sisterhood that brings us together, someone else that can walk through the beauty of a private adoption. Someone who knows the emotions of watching someone be in labor on your behalf. Someone who knows the anxiety of the 48hours after birth while you wait in expectance of the paperwork to be filled out. God brings us together and these babies together to watch his beautiful story unfold!

Then today, God brings finalization to our adoption process...it's crazy to think that this time last year I was just finding out that Kadence and that she had been conceived...and today we walk into the court with our families and a couple dear friends and stand before a judge.

I started this blog initially for my own processing. Without intending to the blog turned out to be ministering to others (people starting the adoption process, people who had lost babies, people who just needed to know that God was at work). So, my thoughts for today is that if you are where I was a year ago (a very dark place) and so broken, so burnt out...thinking God has forgotten you, that God is answering every prayer except for yours...if you have given up all hope...I tell you that God is still working...please don't give up on Him! Three mommies all this week experiencing God's gratefulness and goodness and breathing in our sweet miracles after long hard journeys and prayers that seemed like they were hitting the ceiling. I now look back and sometimes chuckle with God and apologizing for how mean and harsh I was to him out of my anger. I tell you now a year later that miracles happen, healing takes place, He answers prayers, and he restores lives and hearts that are broken.

Off to go get ready for court!

Dear Kadence,

I know that you are too little to read this and you may even be too small to really get the significance of this week. You may just walk away this week thinking...wow my mommy sure has hugged me more than usual (and that's a lot) and wow mom and daddy are shedding lots of tears and everyone seems to be crying but happy...and this might confuse you greatly because you have yet figured out the beauty of  shedding tears out of joy, shedding tears because you are overwhelmed by God's greatness and faithfulness. As your mommy I pray that you will get to experience these tears at some point in your journey because these tears are priceless. These tears are healing. These tears teach me as your mommy that God has not forgotten us, that He is still making and creating miracles, that He heard me many a days and nights as I cried out for you because I longed to be your mommy. The tears I shed are tears of exhaustion as this journey has been long and to see the end yet the beginning of a new journey is beautiful, they are tears of a weight being lifted because I have been so scared of what my life would look life if you weren't in it. These tears speak more than I could ever properly articulate. I hope that one day when you are reading this and looking at pictures from this week you can see our overwhelming love for you and how much you being in our life completes us and makes us better as a mommy and daddy and as husband and wife and how your mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus. This journey to you and through the last nine months is not a journey I would trade for the world! This week is everything we have been working towards for the last nine months. See for you, my little sunshine, this week is where daddy and I are switched from being "temporary guardians" to you "official" parents. This is something that in our hearts took place the moment we saw you on the sonogram for the first time, when we heard your heart beat for the first time, and then again in that hospital room when all the lights were off but one and you rested on my chest and I was in too much awe to even produce tears. From that first moment there were no papers that I needed signed that would make me "more" your mom. But for all legal purposes the "system" will now recognize you as our child and us as your parents...so for better or worse you are ours. A lot of people when trying to conceive a child and can't, look at Adoption as the back up plan. But for us adoption was never the back up plan, we had prayed for a child and were confident God was orchestrating that plan. Now, don't get me wrong I think pregnancy is beautiful and your birth mom was gorgeous with you in her belly...but I love OUR story. I love that God brought two families together that love you so much! I love that God knew the exact timing we would get you, when your court date would be, and everything in between. I think it's beautiful that our court date is 9 months from when you were born just like in pregnancy...for 9 months I have gotten to carry you, feed you, care for you, be up at night when you couldn't sleep but I get the rare privilege of knowing your heart and seeing your smile and knowing what my heart does when it is around yours. There is no doubt about it from the moment you were conceived God was lining up our stories for you to be my daughter and me to be your mommy. The amount of joy, purpose, love, awe, and beauty you have brought to the last nine months of my life is indescribable. You are loved more than your nine month brain or heart can comprehend! You are surrounded by a mommy and daddy that would go to the ends of the earth for you. You have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that when you are around their world is a better place. You have teens in your life that you are modeling for them what it means to have a healthy relationship with a parent and what unconditional love looks like. You, just by your smile alone, are bringing joy to their day and some needed just that to make it through their day. You are surrounded by a church community that loves you, stalks you on facebook, and longs for the days that they get the opportunity to serve you, serve with you, and to tell you about Jesus. You have God parents on opposite sides of the world, that don't get to hold you on a daily basis but they are living their life for Jesus and loving you by their prayers for you and for your walk with Jesus. You are loved by a whole community of people here and around the world that pray for you, that know you are an answered prayer and that you have been put in this story for such a time as this. You are loved by your birth family that as much as this week is a journey for us, we would not be where we are today without them. We thank them daily for trusting us with loving you for the rest of your life! So Miss K, this week might be a whirlwind for you but never forget that God is at work, that mommy and daddy love you and we commit to you today (and Friday in front of a judge) that everyday from here until eternity we are committed to being your mommy and daddy and everything that entails! Here's to the many days, weeks, and years of love, encouragement, fun times, hard times, tears, and everything in between that our life will entail!
Loving you forever and ever and then even more, Mommy