This mom in 2014!

2014 is gearing up to be quite an eventful year personally, professionally, and in my family. Not only will I have a 1 year old, a husband that will be working midnights, a work life that could change drastically in the course of a year, turning 30, and friends all over the place popping out new babies...2014 has the potential to be a whirlwind. Every year at this time I spend a lot of time reflecting on the past year and where I am going in the next.  I don't make resolutions per-say as much as I am hyper aware of where I have been and my intentions of where I would like to go. Being a mom this year I find more of my reflecting is more along the lines of the type of mom I want to be. What themes or rhythms do I want Kadence to pick up on as far as what is important in our family life. So I made a list of 10 words that are my "priorities for this year" or words I will meditate on and see how my life crashes in with them. Here's some of my reflecting thus far:

1. God-  I would like to say that serving God, seeking God, and leaning into God is a priority every year. Although I feel that this is true the depth of seeking God is so much more intimate now that I am a mom. Not only do I have my own spiritual walk with Jesus, I now have been charged with teaching a small human about the love of Jesus. So I wrestle with how to make Jesus come alive to a 1year old. Is it possible to convey God's love, mercy, and grace to a 1 year old? Is it possible to make God's word come alive in away that she can comprehend even on the basic levels? Even now in her little life is she figuring out that mommy and daddy love Jesus? Is she picking up that prayer, scripture, and serving others are foundations in our family? Are we living our life in such a way that they are? 

2. Family- Having a husband that works midnights, a mommy that works 9-5 and then some, and a 1 year old not in daycare can lead to some fun challenges when it comes to family time. Just the calendar alone laughs at me when I put our schedules together. Yet in the midst of our calendars, we find time for date nights and family nights in. We find ways to manipulate time out of our day so that our little family unit of 4 (Jada is always apart of our mix) can continue to stay close. 2014 will bring its challenges and satan will try to destroy our intentions. Kadence is not as quiet as she once was which leads to challenges when Andy tries to sleep. We will have to continue to insist on boundaries, ignoring phone calls and texts when needed, and continue to work on our communication but we are determined that our family is and will continue to be a priority in 2014. We will also be praying about when to grow our family again. I also feel that marriage will be a focal point in 2014, ours and others. Ever since getting married I have been passionate about marriages. Not just marriage but beautiful marriages, marriages that thrive, that are fun, and ones that have God at the center of them. I will make this a priority in my own home but I will also be praying for ways that in our church and in our community that marriages can be a priority. 

3. Friendship- I specifically am talking about mommy friends and church friends. I lack at both of them. I am starting to wonder if the problem is with me (I will accept this if true). I need friends at church that actually want to be more than "lobby" friends. I need friends that know the highs and lows in my life and I want to know that in theirs. I want them to ask the hard questions about how my soul is and sit long enough to know when I am giving them the "easy" answer. I want friends I can craft with, drink coffee with, and talk about how God is crashing into our lives together. I want mommy friends that you can go to the park with, celebrate milestones with, and gets excited about all my sensory activities I like to do. I want friends that don't see "Pro Deo Kylie" but can just see me as a girl that struggles to be the woman, wife, and child of God that Jesus has made her on a daily basis. I secretly miss Holly and Rebecca and try not to hold new friends up to that "standard", I am mourning that they are not in my everyday life and any deep friendship I have will need to embrace this. I don't need you to replace them but I need you to know that my heart aches for them to be with me. I also need friends that are persistent, I have for so long not made friendship be a priority that I kind of have forgotten how to be a friend or have friends so please extend grace and don't give up on me. 

4. Health- This is not about weight, working out, or anything of the such. It's more about living a life of balance and one that my own health is important to me. Sometimes when you are so busy taking care of others your own health (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) takes a back burner to the needs of others. Here's to being healthy because it is the right thing to do, because I want to live a long life with my little girl, and because I don't want to crop myself out of every picture that is ever taken of my family (lol) not because there is a cute bathing suit, a fancy vacation, or a wedding that I need to give it my all for. My family is enough...

5. Self-care, healing, discipline, slowness, intentional, and simple...these are all words that go against the way I find myself living my life at times. These words challenge me, humble me, and give me plenty to wrestle with. In 2014 I will continue to wrestle with these words. I will continue to find my path...one that seeks Jesus and being a mom and then lets everything else fall where they may. I know that 2014 has the potential to be the year that when we get to next December we find ourselves saying where did this year go? Today I am vowing to be intentional, seek discipline in all aspects of my life, and embrace the simple pleasures that are my beautiful journey I call my life.

Here's to 2014! 

A different kind of Christmas for me...

I won't bore you with all of my family baggage (mainly because I have already shared most of it ;)) But most people know that I have not been a Christmas girl for a very long time. My first year of marriage where you should be focussing on forming new family traditions with your husband I was busy burying my father after his battle with Cancer. The next year we buried Grandpa, the next 2 were taking care of teenagers in crisis...all leading up to last year where Advent in our life was spent anticipating our child, preparing a home for her, picking out a name for her, and spending lots of time in prayer for her. In all of those years there was grief, fear, anticipation, pain, wrestling with the realities of the world. Even last year when we were so blessed beyond belief, I couldn't help but let the fear seep in. Christmas for so many years has been dark, gloomy, and the fake-est of smiles I could put on.

As tomorrow we are marking the 5 year anniversary of my grandfathers passing, I can't help but notice this Advent is COMPLETELY different. I miss my grandfather like crazy and wish that Kadence would have gotten the opportunity to meet him (in my Childlike concept of heaven and Jesus I am confident they did meet) . But, this year is all smiles for this girl. All smiles, joy, a heart FULL of praise (I seriously sit in worship and I feel like my heart is going to split at the seams because I am so thankful for the storms that we have walked through and the sweet beauty in our life now). For me this year for Advent, I kind of went crazy but honestly it wasn't out of my need to be a "pinterest mom" or "Martha Stewart" on my home and family it was out of a mere child's heart (my own) taking all the joy that I haven't had in 6 years and releasing it all this year. I find myself singing holiday hymns as I go through the aisles at the grocery store, I find myself wanting to buy gifts for people just because, I find myself sitting on the couch with the whole house asleep and I am staring at the lights on the christmas tree in awe of it's beauty.
Being in awe of the Christmas tree is not something new for me but I think it's neat that this year, this new beginning for our family just also happens to be the year that when we went to put our Christmas tree up this year it was not the same one from last year, someone had replaced it. It's also the same year that Andy and I switched out some of our bulbs on our tree not for any significance but just to change it up. But, now as I am sitting here starring at the tree and once again in awe of its beauty I am loving how God is blessing me in the little things. This Christmas we started over, I haven't forgotten my pain or grief, but this year the tree that I had stared at for many years while I cried out to God in pain and sadness is not there. What's there now is another tree, a little fuller, with more sparkle, and a little brighter and I can't help but feel the same way. We got a new tree for our new Advent.

So this year with me changing and healing, I will admit that as much as Kadence is participating in Advent it is more about me than her when it comes to Advent. It is good for ME to slow down during this season. It is good for ME to be generous and take care of others. It is good for ME to make family time special. It is good for ME to be at home more, making a conscious effort everyday to have some sort of family activity and really focusing on engaging with Kadence. I am learning so much about me, my walk with God, me as a mom, and healing through this Advent season.  I know that Kadence is not running into the nursery on Sunday morning telling all the other kids, "Wow, we are celebrating advent this year and last night I got to play in red and green spaghetti... thank goodness because now I have such a better handle on that whole Christmas story" but I do think she is witnessing and taking part in the magic of Christmas, the silliness that has been unleashed just for pure joy of the season, the warmth that is filling our home, and she is building holiday traditions (not that when she is 15will we put her in the tub, pour red and green spaghetti on her, and take pictures- but you get my point-lol).

Heres to letting God heal, believing that the pain is not the END of the journey, that I am not defined by my grief but set free to experience Christmas in a whole new way...through the joy of a child as we enjoy Christmas together this year as a family :)