I won't bore you with all of my family baggage (mainly because I have already shared most of it ;)) But most people know that I have not been a Christmas girl for a very long time. My first year of marriage where you should be focussing on forming new family traditions with your husband I was busy burying my father after his battle with Cancer. The next year we buried Grandpa, the next 2 were taking care of teenagers in crisis...all leading up to last year where Advent in our life was spent anticipating our child, preparing a home for her, picking out a name for her, and spending lots of time in prayer for her. In all of those years there was grief, fear, anticipation, pain, wrestling with the realities of the world. Even last year when we were so blessed beyond belief, I couldn't help but let the fear seep in. Christmas for so many years has been dark, gloomy, and the fake-est of smiles I could put on.
As tomorrow we are marking the 5 year anniversary of my grandfathers passing, I can't help but notice this Advent is COMPLETELY different. I miss my grandfather like crazy and wish that Kadence would have gotten the opportunity to meet him (in my Childlike concept of heaven and Jesus I am confident they did meet) . But, this year is all smiles for this girl. All smiles, joy, a heart FULL of praise (I seriously sit in worship and I feel like my heart is going to split at the seams because I am so thankful for the storms that we have walked through and the sweet beauty in our life now). For me this year for Advent, I kind of went crazy but honestly it wasn't out of my need to be a "pinterest mom" or "Martha Stewart" on my home and family it was out of a mere child's heart (my own) taking all the joy that I haven't had in 6 years and releasing it all this year. I find myself singing holiday hymns as I go through the aisles at the grocery store, I find myself wanting to buy gifts for people just because, I find myself sitting on the couch with the whole house asleep and I am staring at the lights on the christmas tree in awe of it's beauty.
Being in awe of the Christmas tree is not something new for me but I think it's neat that this year, this new beginning for our family just also happens to be the year that when we went to put our Christmas tree up this year it was not the same one from last year, someone had replaced it. It's also the same year that Andy and I switched out some of our bulbs on our tree not for any significance but just to change it up. But, now as I am sitting here starring at the tree and once again in awe of its beauty I am loving how God is blessing me in the little things. This Christmas we started over, I haven't forgotten my pain or grief, but this year the tree that I had stared at for many years while I cried out to God in pain and sadness is not there. What's there now is another tree, a little fuller, with more sparkle, and a little brighter and I can't help but feel the same way. We got a new tree for our new Advent.
So this year with me changing and healing, I will admit that as much as Kadence is participating in Advent it is more about me than her when it comes to Advent. It is good for ME to slow down during this season. It is good for ME to be generous and take care of others. It is good for ME to make family time special. It is good for ME to be at home more, making a conscious effort everyday to have some sort of family activity and really focusing on engaging with Kadence. I am learning so much about me, my walk with God, me as a mom, and healing through this Advent season. I know that Kadence is not running into the nursery on Sunday morning telling all the other kids, "Wow, we are celebrating advent this year and last night I got to play in red and green spaghetti... thank goodness because now I have such a better handle on that whole Christmas story" but I do think she is witnessing and taking part in the magic of Christmas, the silliness that has been unleashed just for pure joy of the season, the warmth that is filling our home, and she is building holiday traditions (not that when she is 15will we put her in the tub, pour red and green spaghetti on her, and take pictures- but you get my point-lol).
Heres to letting God heal, believing that the pain is not the END of the journey, that I am not defined by my grief but set free to experience Christmas in a whole new way...through the joy of a child as we enjoy Christmas together this year as a family :)
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