She's one...tear

Parking in this spot a year ago was the start to the most incredible journey...I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would have the honor or privilege of parking in this spot. It was something that I coveted- I know trivial- but for me it symbolized everything I couldn't be. I couldn't conceive therefore I couldn't be a mommy yet that is what my soul cried out for. There are days where I wish I could go back to that hospital room, on that joyous day and take her into my arms again for the first time. When she was laid in my arms for the first time, there was no emotion to put into words what I was feeling. I had protected my heart and guarded it and prepared it for the worse case scenario (I also read plenty of horrific adoption blog posts to prepare me for anything negative that could come- I am so optimistic). I couldn't picture my life past each moment in that hospital. As we got snowed in and our journey in the hospital continued...I loved being right there. If I went back to that room, and they put her in my arms today, and I knew then what I know now...that she would be mine forever...I probably would have had a whole different set of emotions. Maybe it was actually good cause I probably would have scared Kadence and the nursing staff-lol.

I look back on this journey and there are no words for the things I have seen God do over the past year or the years leading up to this expierince. I have no doubt that all of my tears and yelling at God were heard. I have no doubt that those fall on your face moments before Jesus out of desperation were all preparing me for this journey that I now call motherhood. I have no doubt when I cried out to God while listening to While I'm Waiting by John Waller that God heard my heart, he took my tears, he molded my heart to be in a place where I could be not just "A MOM" but to be "THIS MOM" THIS mom doesn't take things for granted, THIS mom has loved every second of this year, THIS mom knows what life would be like without this little girl and is something I never want to experience again. Looking back I am glad that God didn't answer my prayers in the order that I had requested. I love that in His time table my job, my family, my church, my marriage, and me were all ready at just the right time. Because of His perfect timing I have been able to be fully present with Kadence. My marriage was able to grow to a place where adding to our family was a blessing and not a stressor. Our families have grown to such a place where I usually have a baby sitter, even on short chaotic moments. My job grew to where we weren't running a youth center out of our home anymore which is a huge blessing and we were able to bring on staff which has given me more flexibility in being a mom. I didn't see all of this prep work when I was walking in the pain. What I saw was what I didn't have. I saw what I needed and wanted and that was it. On any given day I was 2.5 seconds a way from throwing a terrible temper tantrum. Here I am many moons later and almost laughing at how bad I longed for Kadence and how confident I was that God had forgotten me...maybe my prayers had just hit the ceiling because I couldn't see Him working. But a year and 12 weeks later (from the first meeting of the birth mom) I am left here saying to God you are so much greater that I am. He knew better and he was at work even when I couldn't see it. I am glad He didn't give up on me when I was frustrated with Him. I am glad He was patient with me when I was throwing a fit. And I am glad that he has held me and helped me through all the highs and lows of this past year. He has never left me. He has never stopped working on my behalf. He has never stopped molding me, preparing me, or loving me. As we transition from having a baby to a toddler(although I am not ready to admit it) I can't help but feel my role of Kadence's mom is shifting. I am going from cuddles, feeding, and diapers to more of a relationship like my Heavenly Father has with me. It is now our job as parents to not give up when we get frustrated in the years to come (I hear parenting teens suck-lol), We are to be patient with her when she is throwing a temper tantrum, we will help her through the highs and lows that will come in her life directing her evermore to the love of her savior. We will keep molding her, preparing her and loving her every day for the rest of her life. As much as the first year of Kadence's life has taught me about my own spiritual journey and healing all these areas in my own journey...I kind of feel like God telling me to pull up my bootstraps and that this cuddly wuddly photogenic baby needs more from us than facebook photos, rocking, food, and snuggles. Here's to a life of living out our faith before and with our baby girl. Here's to the journey of teaching, listening, learning, and loving this beautiful human that God has so graciously called MY DAUGHTER!

Here are some highlights you might not know about Kadence:
She can say- well pretty much anything you can say-lol. But Daddy, Mommy, Jada (ada), Grandma (baba),  drink (dink), thank you (ank u) , please (ease), cheese (although she can't figure out if that is food or something you do for the camera). And uh-oh which she will say right before she throws something on the ground-lol. But really anything you say she tries to repeat...

She gets excited when elmo comes on, loves phones and taking selfies. She loves to dance and has about as much dancing skills at 1 as I have at 30. She loves to eat- I haven't found anything she doesn't like yet. She has moved to just having formula at morning and night and the rest of the day is on whole milk. She is still taking two naps (praying that stays for many many years-lol).

She loves when daddy comes home from work and absolutely loves her sister Jada and LOVES feeding her from the high chair (something that mommy is trying to break)

She has 8 teeth, is standing on her own (only for a sec or two), and loves to cruise around the house in her walker like a little old woman. She likes feeding herself, taking baths, and anything she can do independently.

She loves rocking stuffed animals and looking at herself in the mirror.

Books are her favorite. She loves to be read to (Daddy has the best story times- her favorite being nugget and fang by tami sauer) and she likes to read on her own at any chance she gets.

She loves ice cream. She also knows what food comes on so when you go into the kitchen to get a plate she starts MMMMMing and begging for food-lol

We made it a whole year without buying diapers. No Joke! God is good and every time I thought we would run out another box would appear! We have been blessed beyond belief in the past year.

All in all she is a happy girl and fills our life with so much joy and excitement !

If I could tell you anything through my journey these past few years and especially this year is that God is GOOD! He IS working. He IS healing. His grace is amazing and he provides, and loves in ways I never new possible...and this girl right here LOVES her little girl! Kadence Anaya mommy and daddy can't think of anything more in life we want thank to be your mommy and daddy and watch you grow up and love Jesus.

Ahhhhh....Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

I thought I loved you then...

So, can you believe Miss K is almost one? I can't! This week a year ago I was preparing to see her for the first time on a sonogram and a year later here she sits next to me as I type this munching on her banana and feeding the ones she doesn't want to Jada.

Last year I loved the idea of Miss K, I love the thought of having a baby girl. I love the thought of being a mommy and Andy being a daddy. I loved the idea of bows, tutus, and everything pink. I was all in and ready for the ride of a lifetime :)

The things I longed for are great! I do love having a baby girl. She feels like she was destined to be mine. I love Andy and I as mommy and daddy. We make a great team and our love for each other has grown and deepened in ways I didn't know it could. We have lived up to the bows, tutus and lots of pink...but there is so much more!

I didn't know then that I was going to love all her funny babbling. I love how she joins in the conversation just like we can understand everything she is saying. I love how she loves on Jada and wants to play with her all the time. I love how she is curious about the smallest details and how she is determined to do things even when they look hard or challenging. I love her excitement when she tries new foods and the faces she makes when she is not a fan. I love how she picks up on new tricks every day and wants to show them off for you. I love that in the mornings she wants nothing more than to cuddle with me (that's good because I need my cuddles in the mornings). I love as soon as she is done eating she rubs her grimy hands through her hair and then throws her excess food on the floor for Jada. I love that she treats our living room as a jungle gym and crawls over and over pillows, stuffed animals, or people depending on whats in her way...

I didn't know then that her tears would pierce my heart the way they do. I didn't know that when she was sick I would feel helpless and want nothing more than for her to feel better. I didn't know then that the mere presence of her would make me feel content. I didn't know that my evening routine was about to triple in length but that it would be some of the best moments in my whole day. I didn't know how hard changing an almost 1 year old's diaper would be. I didn't know how much of an independent little girl she would be...

I have been working on Miss K's baby book and it has officially made me a sap! I am obsessed with looking at it. I look at pictures of when we were in the hospital and I remember not wanting to take my eyes off of her. I remember just sleeping and holding her on my chest. I remember the first time getting to look at her. I then remember the 8 weeks that followed with lots of cuddling and netflix. I remember this summer getting to take her to the pool for the first time, sitting in the grass for the first time, and all of the firsts in between them. I remember when she rolled over for the first time and I made her do it over and over to make sure it was real. Then when she sat up for the first time, crawled, pulled up, and standing on her own...all of these times have been special. All of the first holidays, all of the meeting people for the first time, all of the things we have done over this past year and all the love that has filled our home! Then the song came on I thought I loved you then...and I couldn't help but think back to that hospital room and how full my heart was then to today and how I didn't know my heart could love her more and each day it grows more.

This has been a year worth all the tears, prayers, and waiting that led up to it. This year has been the most beautiful thing I have ever experience as a person, in my marriage, and as a family! Here's to many many more years of looking back and thinking, I thought I loved you then...and watching my love grow even more!

God is GOOD!