All up in my feelings...

God is active, and moving, and healing, and hearing, and changing, and shaking this world I live in...

I'm all up in my feelings today- maybe it's because the sweater I wore today was the sweater I wore when I was doing skin to skin contact with Kadence for the first time in the delivery room. I remember watching our birth mom go through contractions and remember wishing that I could give that for Kadence and then realizing the beauty of watching someone so brave and strong do just that. I remember when the nurse placed Kadence in my arms...I remember her gooey eyes and how stinking hungry and alert she was...I remember staying up all night and just being in awe of her story, of my story and God's love for our family...

Maybe I am up in my feelings because it was this week two years ago that Andy and I got to see Kadence for the first time on a sonogram, got to hear her heart beat...and now nightly when she is in my arms I hear that same heart beat beat up against mine.

Maybe I am up in my feelings today because even when I see God's face all over my daily life there are still hard days when I long for more. The pain of adding to our family is real. I long for more children, I long to watch my family grow and I know that we, as Kylie and Andy, can't do that on our own. It hurts to get down to the nitty gritty emotions and feel so helpless in the adoption journey. The wait, the longing...it's all very real. The holding on to baby things, thinking will we ever need these again? I want to be in awe of how God is continuing to write this story but in some of my realest moments I am scared, in my realest honesty it is hard and I want to loose hope. The pain of not conceiving is real, the pain of people not choosing adoption is real, the pain of wrestling through all of this with Jesus is very real.

Maybe I am up in my feelings today because we have entered the "birthday month" the month where Kadence, myself, my mother in law, one of my best friends, and everyone in between is having a birthday and I find myself reflecting when and how am I the best me I can be? Where have I been, where am I going? Am I someone that Jesus would trust with others hearts? Am I the follower of Jesus that I long to be? Am I the mom, friend, wife, leader that I feel Jesus has called me to be? There is a lot of reflection and a lot of evaluating that takes place.

Maybe I am up in my feelings because this week marks the three month marker of a really important event in the life of someone I love so much. Her making the decision to be clean flipped my life upside down, in the best of ways...it has been a long journey and we are only three months in. I have learned a lot about boundaries, walking when it's hard, and how to piss off a teenager (lol)...I'm actually really good at it...but I am so incredibly proud of where she has been and where she is going. I am proud of the tears she has shed to get here and that she puts in the work and pushes forward when it gets tough. I am proud of the community that I live in that has stepped up to the plate to surround her. They have surrounded her with meals, toiletries, incentives, rides, an ear to hear her, and so much more. For 90 days, we have watched this young girl choose sobriety and it gets me all up in my feelings because I love her in a way that tears my heart to pieces in the best of ways and I am so proud of her!

Maybe I am up in my feelings today because I don't get a lot of time in my life where I can just fall apart at the seams and curl up in the fetal position and cry(lol)- it doesn't matter if the tears are happy or sad. Sometimes I just need unplanned times to be me and deal with my heart. Today is one of those days. It could be that I have had a really emotionally draining yet empowering month at work. I've had to do some really hard things but yet have seen God's blessings all over those decisions and know that our organization is healthier because of the decisions that have been made. Maybe I am this way because I have seen God crash into the lives of kids I love left and right this past month. I have seen them worship together, discuss the Bible, and seek mentoring and change...things I have longed to see and am seeing. Maybe it's because the kid that was an outcast is now has a peer group. Maybe it's because volunteers I have longed to have are stepping up to the plate. Maybe it's because that boy I have longed to see have a breakthrough broke through and maybe now he finally knows his worth. Maybe it's because I love having a staff and love having volunteers that are burdened for the same lives that my heart hurts for. Maybe I am all up in my feelings because I watch "church" get lived out in front of my every day and it is powerful beyond words.

Maybe I am all up in my feelings because shane and shane is on iTunes and they single handedly (with the help of sidewalk prophets) can bring my worship out :) Although, He Knows by Jeremy Camp just came on and whoa it gets me every time...

Maybe I am up in my emotions because I've seen God crashing into the lives of my family. Andy and I have been praying for God to be "real" to some of our family. And He is, and they are seeking, and He is growing in their hearts...and although it's just the beginnings that has me all up in my feelings...

Maybe I am up in my feelings because a kid I have prayed for so long, walked in unexpectedly today to church...no invite...haven't even seen him in almost two years..on his own AND 41 days clean! I'm a heap of a mess. God brings him through the door and the topic at church today was answering the question of how many times can we sin before God turns his back...

Oh God, you are so great...you take my pain and the pain of every person I know and turn it into something beautiful...and here I sit as Gungor Beautiful Things "randomly" comes onto iTunes...I am a heap of a mess with a white mocha and stellar iTunes play list, and a God that has got this...God has not given up on you or me. God is healing. God is taking us at our worst and making us beautiful! God is taking me all up in my feelings and He is every so tenderly putting the pieces of my heart back together. God is good. I trust Him. And for now it's okay to be all up in my feelings...