And the fear seeps in...

I'm scared! That's the short and narrow of all of my emotions.

Today I asked Andy how do you balance excitement and love that is overflowing from everything in me with the fear and reality that I am completely out of control when it comes to the decision of placing this little girl in our life. I want her so bad! I want to be a mommy! I want to stay up all night feeding her, holding her, and trying to figure out why she is crying. I want to sit for hours on end and tell her how much I love her and have prayed for her for as long as I remember. I sit and listen to Matthew West's song one less and I day dream about running home from court and sweeping her up into my arms and telling her that she's coming home...

And then there is the fear. The fear of not knowing, the fear of being heart broken, the fear of falling in love and then the loss and grief that comes if she doesn't become mine.

When I asked Andy this question he responded...and then I responded "...but Andy this is all I have ever wanted. All I have ever wanted to be is a mom, all I have ever wanted to was to be married and raise kids. This is my big dream, everything I long for"...Andy paused and responded like a man of God and not like I wanted him to (in my heart I wanted him to hug me and tell me it would all be alright) but He said maybe the problem is that you are longing for the wrong thing. Maybe you should long to be within God's plan and long to be close to him and just roll with it, as it comes.

I then got defensive in my head and walked away so I could go and grieve and process at the coffee shop. As I was leaving he said, "I guess my answer is that it might be painful, we just might get our heart broken. But God is in control" and I just started bawling...and said this has all been painful, all of it- I have been in pain through this whole journey...the journey of creating a child for us has been painful- every step of it...when does OUR happy ending come? I have cried more tears, yelled more than I care to admit, been jealous, not understood God's plan, have avoided baby showers, mother day services at church, cried through every infant baptism...I have cried every month for the past 5 years when I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative...I have cried when teenagers have gotten pregnant and they want me to be close in their journey and I just want to be as far from them as I can because it is so painful...it's painful to see someone else have a sonogram when you want one yourself...it's painful to go to a baby shower, see maternity pics, and get the dreaded question of "When are you and Andy having kids?". It's painful to watch people raise their kids and hate it, take it for granted, or be annoyed by them, and complain about them... 5 years of pain to get a glimmer of hope in the form of a phone call that there might be an end to this pain, an end to this longing, that my dreams of becoming a mom may not be in vain...that there might just be a little girl about 30 weeks along that might grow up to call me mom, I might get to be the person that comforts her when she is scared, when she has gotten her heart broken, and when she doesn't understand God's plan...

but then I might also just be a girl that has a blog of 10 crazy weeks, and there not be a baby at the end of all of this...

My heart is not ready for the latter, and I can't imagine the journey that would be- so I am going to acknowledge that I am scared...I am going to acknowledge that I need prayers and then I am going to lean into this. I can not say that this will be the last post about fear. I can't say that this is going to be the last post that I cry through as I type...

I can say that I am blessed to have a loving God that knows my hopes, dreams, and knows the pain that I feel on this journey. I can say that I am blessed to have friends and family that love me and help me through this process. I can say that I am blessed to have the most amazing husband that loves me even when I have crazy emotions, that loves me and leads me towards Jesus even when I come kicking and screaming and that he tells me what I need to hear not what I want to hear but then he showers me with hugs and lots of love.

Things to pray about this week-
1. Pray for Birth Mom and Her family that they would have a beautiful holiday and that they would feel God's love and peace through this process. Pray that they would feel God's comfort in this decision.
2. Please pray for our girl as she continues to grow- that she would come when God is ready for her, and that he would be in control through labor, delivery, the 48 hours after, the signing of papers, the court hearings...
3. Please pray for Andy and I as we finish our home study this week. Our social worker comes Friday to finish and do the walk through.
4. Please pray for Andy and I as we are both so excited, that God would protect our heart and protect our families hearts as they are SO EXCITED too!


How Ironic that Matthew West's Strong Enough just came on the itunes...

Hands of mercy won't you cover me...I'm asking you to be strong enough for the both of us...