I am just one person, one story, one experience...I do not claim to know all of the ins and outs of adoption. We did private adoption (we did not go through an agency) and so what I know is private adoption...but for the countless e-mails that I get about the how to's here it goes-
When we decided to seek adoption- I knew from the time I was in 8th grade that I had PCOS, I knew that having a family was going to be difficult but didn't really spend a lot of time on the issue (except when I would throw myself a pitty party). I meet Andy. Andy thinks adoption is cool and so do I. We get married in 2007. We went off birth control in Dec of 2007. In July of 2010 I did 3 rounds of chlomid. (Break- Kylie's thoughts on fertility treatments: They are expensive. Insurance usually does not cover. Decide before you go into it how far you want to go and use that as your stopping ground. I have seen countless marriages have ugly patches because of fertility treatments and everyone not being on the same page.) We had decided that Chlomid was as far as we were going (this is very minimal in comparison to all the fertility treatments you can do). We decided that if chlomid didn't work we were ready to try adoption. We knew there were babies out there that needed adopted regardless of the ability of my ovaries to work or fail :) In fall of 2011 Andy and I were spending time with Jesus apart from each other and I had stumbled upon a photo listing of kids that were waiting to be adopted. I then started sending names of kids to andy that I thought we "needed" and then before I knew it he had found the site I was on and we were texting back and forth our picks for kids. I joked around how I was kidding, Andy knows me too well and knew that I was not. Thus we started the adoption conversation.
The research- I am like the queen of research! I researched enough to teach myself how to run a non-profit, so I was confident I could research enough to do adoption. I googled my life away on adoption and probably if Andy knew how much time I spent on the issue he would have banned my research. I looked up laws, researched agencies, met with adoptive moms, read adoption blogs...you name it, I did it. After calling around different agencies we decided to go with Catholic Charities in about may of 2012 (for no other reason than it was the cheapest and we thought they might have lots of babies) We submitted our application only to not hear anything back. We then found out that we were on a waiting list to be on a waiting list. That the "real waiting list" the one they show their birth moms only had 15 people on it at any given time and so we were not even a possibility to birth moms until someone moved off the "real one" and then it was a matter of if we got picked. (they try to give a variety to their birth moms of young/old, kids/no kids, etc) Ironically as the story would go February 1st, 2013 (23 days before our Kadence was born) we got moved up to the "real" list.
The wait- With adoption the hardest part is the waiting, waiting for "the call", waiting for court, waiting, waiting, waiting...This is where I am a huge fan of spending time with Jesus and where a good chunk of my journaling came to be.
The Call- It was October 16,2012 I had not heard ANYTHING about adoption stuff in months, I was bitter, angry, suffering, and alone. I was prepping to have kids afterschool and long story short I had 3 conversations that day of "potential babies". One was from someone my mother-in-law knew, one was a teen girl that had just found out she was pregnant, and then the other was a woman in town that knew of Andy and I through church and had a young woman she knew that was having a baby girl in Feb. All three call in one day, I didn't know if any of them would pan out but my hope in adoption was re-lit. It was then that I went back to the research mode of figuring out how to do a private adoption (when the birth mom finds you or picks you and you are not placed through an agency). We found Christian Family Services and our Social worker Nikki (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND BOTH). Basically their advice was to wait until I knew more and to call them to start the home study when we were ready. Waiting was fine with me, we were getting ready for our fall fundraiser at work, I had a teen that I was very vested in that was about to give birth, and Pro Deo was moving out of my home...so I had plenty to think about. My teen gave birth on the 14th and I was fine with not having a baby at that time because I knew that I was going to be very hands on in this situation, something I was ready and excited to do. That friday when the girl got released from the hospital she made a decision that rocked me to my core, she decided to go be with her family (a great choice) it just blindsided me and left me all alone and I was crushed. I spent some time pulling myself together and dealing with the heartache. One week passed and I got a call to go stop by and see a woman from our church. That is not un-natural or out of the ordinary. She had done some work with Pro Deo and so I didn't think anything about it and went. When I walked in there sat a girl, a girl that now has my heart for life! This girl opened her mouth, I don't even remember all that was said but I felt like she completed me. She uttered words that she wanted Andy and I to adopt her baby girl (due in 12 weeks). I cried, called my family, they cried, called more people, we cried, I kept crying. I pulled myself together to make it through our event that night and later that week we met her family.
Meeting of the Birth Mom- Our birth mom was/is very mature and has a good head on her shoulders and has an amazing family. Our initial questions and answers we all exchanged consisted of favorite ice cream flavors (since we were at custards), our family stories, how we saw our life going from here on out and other general get to know you questions. Our relationship with our birth family was about every two weeks or so until it got closer. We connected via e-mail and in person. It was very laid back. As it got closer to Kadence's birth and when birth mom was on homebound we started hanging out more just the two of us, something that will forever be very special to me. When it got really close to her due date we did lots of walking trying to walk Kadence out :)
The Legal stuff- So much of what you do with adoption doesn't start until the baby is here. Once the baby is born you call the lawyers and social workers and then they start the count down and take care of everything from there. Before the baby gets here you do the home study (i.e. lots of paperwork and cool hang out times with your social worker). You also hire an attorney for the birth mom and also a social worker for her. (Your lawyer will walk you through all of this and makes it very painless)
The day of birth- I feel like I cover this pretty well in my blog post titled Dreams Really Do Come True
Kylie's Tips- Our birth mom did an awesome job of advocating for us at the hospital which made me feel really apart of the process. 1st she gave me one of the id bracelets (that meant that Kadence was either with me or her). She advocated for Kadnece and I to do skin to skin contact which meant that Andy and I got very special time with Kadence right after she was born. The whole time we were at the hospital I felt like our birth mom was keeping us a part of the day which then made the doctors, nurses, and everyone else keep us in the loop too. We had a beautiful time at the hospital and felt very included. So my tip would be to get an amazing birth mom and have her advocate for you :)
After Court- You go to the hospital, show them your temporary custody papers, and they load you up a baby :)
Financial Stuff- This is the question that I get asked the most and as we all know...Adoption is expensive! There is no way around it. But please don't let that frustrate you. For us it will be about 10,000 all said and done. You don't have to pay it all in one lump sum which helps and there is a tax credit that you can get after the adoption is final that will help too. There are also places that do loans, grants, etc to help with payment. Private adoption seems to be cheaper than going through an agency, but that is our experience. If birth mom does not have insurance get her on medicaid and if your birth mom has private insurance check with your insurance about how and when child can be added to your policy.
That's all I know thus far, I hope that helps those considering adoption or struggling with infertility. Adoption truly is a walk of faith in the deepest way I know. God is working all over this world making families. Whether you go through an agency, the state, or a private adoption...if you do domestic or international God is there. Adoption is a wait that feels like will last an eternity but then when it comes down to it from the call to day of birth it was 12 weeks and most mommies have 9 months to prepare.
Come Feb 24th (We want Kadence to be at least one) of this year we will probably submit our paperwork to have another child join our family and see what God has in store for us and our future as a family. In my opinion I think our plan should be to always be in the wrestle of adoption or in the process of it. It is an intimate journey for our marriage, for our walk with God, and pulls us closer to friends and family. Adoption is BEAUTIFUL! I secretly hope that all of our birth moms and birth families are as amazing as Kadence's but we count our blessings for what we have been give thus far.
Till next time-
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
To blog or not to blog...is it even a question?
I know I have been a little distant on my blogging, I have figured out the root of my problem is fear! I know you are probably thinking- really almost 6 months in and you are STILL battling fear? I know I thought I would be past that now too. But, I have had so many people reach out to me asking me about the adoption process that I thought I would blog on, embrace the fear, and take this journey one step at a time-
So why the fear and why now? Well, in the good ole state of Missouri (and probably a lot of other states too) once you decide to adopt, you actually get temporary custody for 6 months- I know crazy to think that Andy and I are just Kadence's "Temporary Guardians". I know that I am her mom and that Andy is her dad and Kadence very much knows that too but to the pesky little courts we are just "Temporary". The word temporary freaks me out and the closer we get to our six month mark the more in fear I live...to know that one person, one family, one judge could take all this away gives me nightmares. To think that we might not get to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas together...that there might be a void bigger than any void I have ever experienced in my life coming my way. Then I think about work, being a wife, loving others and I find myself begging God (something I am sure he is a huge fan of) to please let everything with court go well, that I am confident I will not be able to function if things were to not go in our favor at court. I am confident I could not function as a wife, as a business woman, or as any other hat I need to wear if things go poorly. I find myself looking at the calendar and then counting down the days- 6 months plus 45 days till court after that and find myself questioning if I should put myself on vacation that week...If I am this much of a wreck right now how will I be then? So here's why I haven't been blogging...If you are reading this you probably think I sound like a crazy woman at this point. How can one human obsess over one day for so long...ESPECIALLY when that girl is a Christian and knows all of these things in her head about not worrying about tomorrow or about how God is working for the good not harm of those who love him and yet my heart is terrified. My emotions are raw, my heart is invested, and I am scared.
So from the practicality side these are the downfalls of adoption...I wish that I was sitting here right now and could tell you that the only thing I was thinking about was how much Kadence is growing, how she loves story time with her daddy, how she likes to help me cook, eat baby food, play with Jada, and explore this new world. I wish I could tell you about all the ways I have grown as a mom and as a wife over the last 5 1/2 months. But instead I am taking off my mask, showing you behind the smile lives a very scared mommy who is clinging to my beautiful daughter begging God to let me be her forever mommy. I did not know you could love to this depth, or hurt to this depth, or fear to this depth...my emotions are real.
I think on the positive side one thing that I have learned through this whole thing is how to not take a single day/night for granted. Every snuggle, every moment that we are together I find myself taking it all in- knowing that worst case scenario is that God has entrusted to me a tiny human for 5 1/2 months and I will love her with everything in me till the day that I die regardless of what the courts say and that for these 6 months she has and will continue to have the best life a little human could have with tons and tons of love...
So practically speaking what has to take place so that we can be Kadence's forever family?
At 6 months our lawyer will try and track down birth dad (the only person who has not signed rights away)
If they are able to sign papers and if he is willing to sign- he will sign and we will set court date
If they are unable to find him they will file an abandonment clause (or whatever it's technical term is) and we will get our court date for finalization 45 days later
If they are able to sign him and he DOES NOT sign them or wants to fight it- then we have a problem
The hard part is I wish there was a way to tell him, you know if you want to be in Kadence's life we don't have a problem with her knowing you. But with him just getting "served" papers that seems so cold and so abrasive...and he will have no way of knowing how much we love her...maybe the courts would let me make him a care package that could articulate all of that- lol
Ugh...brain on overload...taking a break to go spend time with Jesus...arguably what I should have done prior to this post...feeling human-
Till next time, please be praying for us!
So why the fear and why now? Well, in the good ole state of Missouri (and probably a lot of other states too) once you decide to adopt, you actually get temporary custody for 6 months- I know crazy to think that Andy and I are just Kadence's "Temporary Guardians". I know that I am her mom and that Andy is her dad and Kadence very much knows that too but to the pesky little courts we are just "Temporary". The word temporary freaks me out and the closer we get to our six month mark the more in fear I live...to know that one person, one family, one judge could take all this away gives me nightmares. To think that we might not get to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas together...that there might be a void bigger than any void I have ever experienced in my life coming my way. Then I think about work, being a wife, loving others and I find myself begging God (something I am sure he is a huge fan of) to please let everything with court go well, that I am confident I will not be able to function if things were to not go in our favor at court. I am confident I could not function as a wife, as a business woman, or as any other hat I need to wear if things go poorly. I find myself looking at the calendar and then counting down the days- 6 months plus 45 days till court after that and find myself questioning if I should put myself on vacation that week...If I am this much of a wreck right now how will I be then? So here's why I haven't been blogging...If you are reading this you probably think I sound like a crazy woman at this point. How can one human obsess over one day for so long...ESPECIALLY when that girl is a Christian and knows all of these things in her head about not worrying about tomorrow or about how God is working for the good not harm of those who love him and yet my heart is terrified. My emotions are raw, my heart is invested, and I am scared.
So from the practicality side these are the downfalls of adoption...I wish that I was sitting here right now and could tell you that the only thing I was thinking about was how much Kadence is growing, how she loves story time with her daddy, how she likes to help me cook, eat baby food, play with Jada, and explore this new world. I wish I could tell you about all the ways I have grown as a mom and as a wife over the last 5 1/2 months. But instead I am taking off my mask, showing you behind the smile lives a very scared mommy who is clinging to my beautiful daughter begging God to let me be her forever mommy. I did not know you could love to this depth, or hurt to this depth, or fear to this depth...my emotions are real.
I think on the positive side one thing that I have learned through this whole thing is how to not take a single day/night for granted. Every snuggle, every moment that we are together I find myself taking it all in- knowing that worst case scenario is that God has entrusted to me a tiny human for 5 1/2 months and I will love her with everything in me till the day that I die regardless of what the courts say and that for these 6 months she has and will continue to have the best life a little human could have with tons and tons of love...
So practically speaking what has to take place so that we can be Kadence's forever family?
At 6 months our lawyer will try and track down birth dad (the only person who has not signed rights away)
If they are able to sign papers and if he is willing to sign- he will sign and we will set court date
If they are unable to find him they will file an abandonment clause (or whatever it's technical term is) and we will get our court date for finalization 45 days later
If they are able to sign him and he DOES NOT sign them or wants to fight it- then we have a problem
The hard part is I wish there was a way to tell him, you know if you want to be in Kadence's life we don't have a problem with her knowing you. But with him just getting "served" papers that seems so cold and so abrasive...and he will have no way of knowing how much we love her...maybe the courts would let me make him a care package that could articulate all of that- lol
Ugh...brain on overload...taking a break to go spend time with Jesus...arguably what I should have done prior to this post...feeling human-
Till next time, please be praying for us!
Friday, July 5, 2013
Figuring it all out...
So it's been awhile since I posted...June was a crazy month physically, mentally, and emotionally both at work and in my personal life. I have had a lot on my plate this last month and it has showed signs of wear and tear for all those involved...
But I felt like I wanted to write and it wouldn't all fit into a facebook post and so blogging it is...
So, at this part of my journey into motherhood I am learning empathy, empathy for moms...mom's that I judged, friends that I judged, people I swore I would never be like, people I couldn't relate to...I am now realizing my error in having it "all figured out".
I remember going through this same phase when I got married. I had all of these expectations or thoughts in my head about how certain things would go like work, church, friends, date nights, daily tasks, family time, etc. I got frustrated when I would see new married people doing things the "wrong way". I knew that I was better off because I knew how to be a wife the "right way". I learned quickly that some of my "expectations" were not going to be met nor would I be able to keep up with most of the things I thought I was going to do as a wife (i.e. make breakfast daily for my husband and have a spotless house) some of them were so outlandish (lol- probably not the ones listed above...but maybe) that not even Nicolas Sparks could keep up. Andy and I over the last 6 years have worked through all of that and probably will continue when/if my little perceptions of married life rear their ugly head. Through all of this what you end up with is a refined marriage that was/is way better than I could have put together in my fantasies or that Nicolas Sparks could have written about. So I find myself when others are getting married to lend a helpful hand and give them the good ole "If I would have known then what I know now" speech...the same speech I give multiple teenagers on any given week, well same title not the same content-lol
So here I am six years later with a baby girl and finding out the same is true of motherhood. I think I secretly thought in motherhood there were more hours in a day let alone all of my other perceptions. I am learning that I am in no way, shape, or form good at getting everything done in a day that I need to. I am learning that I need a full 8 hours of sleep to be functioning. I am learning that a once vain girl is finding it really hard to find the energy to do my hair or put on make-up (things that used to be non-negotiable). I am also learning that I, who am naturally an extrovert, really really really craves being a homebody. I love more than anything NOT being around people but to just sit and cuddle with Kadence. I know I should probably want to have friends or do things in my free time but at the same time that seems like a lot of work and I don't really have the energy for that either. So, I find myself sitting at home, curled up with my little family and soaking in my perfect little life. I used to think it was narrow minded when I had friends that had babies and they dropped off the face of the earth, they were real hard to get ahold of, and they never could do anything, or they would become really cliquey with other moms of babies. I vowed that I would not be that friend and yet here I am. I crave being with Kadence by myself (or with Andy and Jada) more than any single thing in my life currently. Or I find myself wanting to be with other moms so I can just watch our babies interact. So, I have in-turn done the same things to my friends. I also am finding I have more empathy for the moms with screaming babies at Walmart in the middle of the night (because we all know we don't take screaming babies to target), screaming babies at restaurants, mom's that "let themselves go", and making other detrimental "mom mistakes". I think I had this realization that my empathy level had sky rocketed when I was talking to another mom and we were talking about a baby that had died in a car because he/she had been left in there without the parent knowing. We were talking about how prior to having an infant those parents would have been labeled "horrible" or "what were they thinking" or "how could you ever" and now that we ourselves are parents of little ones our reaction was more like "I wonder how exhausted they were" "Was he/she colicky" "I can't even fathom having to live with that the rest of your life" all of a sudden something so tragic, which is still tragic is more of not "how dare them" but "oh, how terribly sorry I am." I find myself realizing my empathy radar going up all over the place for moms, for working moms, for police moms, for single moms, for moms whose husbands work nights, for moms that try and fail, for moms all over the world that are figuring it out just like me.
There is nothing sweeter in the whole world to me than my little family. I am exhausted but only because I play hard during the day, and I live life to the fullest with my little girl and out little family. I have prayed for many many years for the life that I am living currently so I will do the only thing I know how to do and lean into my loving father. He knows that my intentions are pure. He knows that I am doing my best. He knows that I am learning day by day. He knows that Kadence is my world, that she is the sunshine on my cloudy day and He has showered me in grace and love.
So here I am learning the life lesson on judging others and what it means to empathize with people who are just like me on this journey.
On a side note- it has been a huge blessing to be able to meet with, talk on the phone with, or e-mail people that our struggling with infertility, PCOS, and starting the adoption process that have reached out to me. I had no idea when starting this blog that God was going to use my transparency to minister to others and that they then would not have to walk through the trenches and the unknown by themselves. This has been a true blessing through all of this and something I enjoy with my whole heart!
See why this wouldn't all fit in a facebook status- lol
But I felt like I wanted to write and it wouldn't all fit into a facebook post and so blogging it is...
So, at this part of my journey into motherhood I am learning empathy, empathy for moms...mom's that I judged, friends that I judged, people I swore I would never be like, people I couldn't relate to...I am now realizing my error in having it "all figured out".
I remember going through this same phase when I got married. I had all of these expectations or thoughts in my head about how certain things would go like work, church, friends, date nights, daily tasks, family time, etc. I got frustrated when I would see new married people doing things the "wrong way". I knew that I was better off because I knew how to be a wife the "right way". I learned quickly that some of my "expectations" were not going to be met nor would I be able to keep up with most of the things I thought I was going to do as a wife (i.e. make breakfast daily for my husband and have a spotless house) some of them were so outlandish (lol- probably not the ones listed above...but maybe) that not even Nicolas Sparks could keep up. Andy and I over the last 6 years have worked through all of that and probably will continue when/if my little perceptions of married life rear their ugly head. Through all of this what you end up with is a refined marriage that was/is way better than I could have put together in my fantasies or that Nicolas Sparks could have written about. So I find myself when others are getting married to lend a helpful hand and give them the good ole "If I would have known then what I know now" speech...the same speech I give multiple teenagers on any given week, well same title not the same content-lol
So here I am six years later with a baby girl and finding out the same is true of motherhood. I think I secretly thought in motherhood there were more hours in a day let alone all of my other perceptions. I am learning that I am in no way, shape, or form good at getting everything done in a day that I need to. I am learning that I need a full 8 hours of sleep to be functioning. I am learning that a once vain girl is finding it really hard to find the energy to do my hair or put on make-up (things that used to be non-negotiable). I am also learning that I, who am naturally an extrovert, really really really craves being a homebody. I love more than anything NOT being around people but to just sit and cuddle with Kadence. I know I should probably want to have friends or do things in my free time but at the same time that seems like a lot of work and I don't really have the energy for that either. So, I find myself sitting at home, curled up with my little family and soaking in my perfect little life. I used to think it was narrow minded when I had friends that had babies and they dropped off the face of the earth, they were real hard to get ahold of, and they never could do anything, or they would become really cliquey with other moms of babies. I vowed that I would not be that friend and yet here I am. I crave being with Kadence by myself (or with Andy and Jada) more than any single thing in my life currently. Or I find myself wanting to be with other moms so I can just watch our babies interact. So, I have in-turn done the same things to my friends. I also am finding I have more empathy for the moms with screaming babies at Walmart in the middle of the night (because we all know we don't take screaming babies to target), screaming babies at restaurants, mom's that "let themselves go", and making other detrimental "mom mistakes". I think I had this realization that my empathy level had sky rocketed when I was talking to another mom and we were talking about a baby that had died in a car because he/she had been left in there without the parent knowing. We were talking about how prior to having an infant those parents would have been labeled "horrible" or "what were they thinking" or "how could you ever" and now that we ourselves are parents of little ones our reaction was more like "I wonder how exhausted they were" "Was he/she colicky" "I can't even fathom having to live with that the rest of your life" all of a sudden something so tragic, which is still tragic is more of not "how dare them" but "oh, how terribly sorry I am." I find myself realizing my empathy radar going up all over the place for moms, for working moms, for police moms, for single moms, for moms whose husbands work nights, for moms that try and fail, for moms all over the world that are figuring it out just like me.
There is nothing sweeter in the whole world to me than my little family. I am exhausted but only because I play hard during the day, and I live life to the fullest with my little girl and out little family. I have prayed for many many years for the life that I am living currently so I will do the only thing I know how to do and lean into my loving father. He knows that my intentions are pure. He knows that I am doing my best. He knows that I am learning day by day. He knows that Kadence is my world, that she is the sunshine on my cloudy day and He has showered me in grace and love.
So here I am learning the life lesson on judging others and what it means to empathize with people who are just like me on this journey.
On a side note- it has been a huge blessing to be able to meet with, talk on the phone with, or e-mail people that our struggling with infertility, PCOS, and starting the adoption process that have reached out to me. I had no idea when starting this blog that God was going to use my transparency to minister to others and that they then would not have to walk through the trenches and the unknown by themselves. This has been a true blessing through all of this and something I enjoy with my whole heart!
See why this wouldn't all fit in a facebook status- lol
Sunday, June 9, 2013
They grow up so fast!
I was thinking about how I haven't posted lately and that I am not sure when I would have posted but felt like it was something that needed to happen tonight.
Kadence is officially 15 weeks old and every day she impresses me with how she is growing! She is one smart cookie :)
Although Kadence is still on the petite side fitting in some newborn clothes still and up to 3-6 month clothing depending on the brand and style of clothing. She is growing leaps and bounds and is so dang smart. Since my last writing she has successfully moved from her tummy to her back (multiple times- unless she is watching tv) and her back to her tummy (only a handful of times- mostly still getting stuck on her arms as she rolls over). She successfully sleeps in her crib 12 hours at night (her preference is to sleep on her side and sometimes she successfully turns in a complete circle from the time I put her down till the time of her waking), is downing about 7 oz, and is loving the invention of her hand! She still loves being swaddled at night, going on stroller walks, and laughing at her pink pinwheel we got from the target $1 bins. She has recently discovered her voice and how to make it loud and soft on purpose and how to have in-depth conversations with her pet giraffe. She has experienced her first play date, her first royals game, her first sleepover at my parents house! She is a girl that LOVES people (when the Parents as Teacher lady comes over and brings toys, she could care less about the toys and would rather the lady talk to her)! The only time Kadence is fussy is when she is wet or hungry. The only time she cries what we have named the tired cry is when the child needs a nap- the tired cry is horrible! Luckily I can usually catch her before she gets there and that makes everyone's life easier. This baby girl likes her sleep and it doesn't matter how cool you are or how much you want to play...when she wants to sleep, she sleeps :) Other than that Kadence is a VERY laid back baby girl- she loves doing pretty much anything and is happy shopping, or at the park, or just playing on the floor. Andy and I find ourselves laughing with her and at her more and more every day! She has such a fun personality and a smile that can light up a whole room...
I remember when our social worker came and did our first "post-placement" visit and she was like, "So, tell me about Kadence and her personality." I remember Andy and I laughing after she left and being like...well, she poops, pees, sleeps, and cries :) We were in love with her, knew she was special, but felt like the things we could "pick out" about her personality were similar to most babies her age. It's crazy to think at the end of this month our social worker will be out for her second post placement visit and how much our life has changed since then.
Andy and I are leaps and bounds more in love with her than on the night we met her for the first time (I didn't think that was possible)! Kadence officially has Andy wrapped around her finger...it's so cute! Watching Andy be a dad is seriously one of my most treasured parts of my day.
Kadence has recently discovered the TV...I honestly wish it never would have happened! I noticed it the first time while I was feeding her and I was watching the bachelorette on the ipad (don't judge me)...the ipad was behind Kadence propped up on a pillow so only I could see it...the whole time I was trying to feed her she kept arching her back and trying to fling her head back to see the ipad- I let her figure it out and then she just stared mesmerized by it. Then we were downstairs a few days later watching myth busters and Kadence was doing tummy time. We moved her so she was facing us instead of the tv and she started crying. We turned her back around thinking surely not...and that was indeed was she was fussing about. Since we have noticed her fascination with the colors and sounds of the tv, I have tried making better choices with my netflix so today we watched some colorful sea animals parade around on the TV.
Kadence has discovered herself in the mirror (a sight that always makes her smile), her hands and her feet, Jada (someone that also makes her smile), and trees- Oh, my word this child likes to be outside! Andy has put a hammock in our backyard and whenever I can't find Kadence and Andy that's where they are! They could sit out there for hours and sometimes do. The other night they were out there and we had the christmas lights (this time of year we call them ambiance lights) on the deck and Kadence was coo-ing, Andy was talking to her, and I like a creeper was sitting on the deck just breathing in God's goodness.
I could go on and on and on about all the other amazing things that Kadence can do, or what she notices, or how God blesses us through her on any given day but I think that I will stop there and tell you that I am in love! Each day this roller coaster gets faster but each day I love it more and more! I think Andy and I have found our niche in life!
P.s. for those concerned I have recently started doing crock-pot meals AND grocery shopping so we are having warm meals and actually have fruits and veggies in our house again! I have found a rhythm with work that doesn't make me feel utterly overwhelmed and yet I am still productive. I am managing to get in quiet time with Jesus and spend time in His word and praying in color...the last thing to reel in is the pesky housework...:)
Thanks for following us in this amazing God Journey!
Kadence is officially 15 weeks old and every day she impresses me with how she is growing! She is one smart cookie :)
Although Kadence is still on the petite side fitting in some newborn clothes still and up to 3-6 month clothing depending on the brand and style of clothing. She is growing leaps and bounds and is so dang smart. Since my last writing she has successfully moved from her tummy to her back (multiple times- unless she is watching tv) and her back to her tummy (only a handful of times- mostly still getting stuck on her arms as she rolls over). She successfully sleeps in her crib 12 hours at night (her preference is to sleep on her side and sometimes she successfully turns in a complete circle from the time I put her down till the time of her waking), is downing about 7 oz, and is loving the invention of her hand! She still loves being swaddled at night, going on stroller walks, and laughing at her pink pinwheel we got from the target $1 bins. She has recently discovered her voice and how to make it loud and soft on purpose and how to have in-depth conversations with her pet giraffe. She has experienced her first play date, her first royals game, her first sleepover at my parents house! She is a girl that LOVES people (when the Parents as Teacher lady comes over and brings toys, she could care less about the toys and would rather the lady talk to her)! The only time Kadence is fussy is when she is wet or hungry. The only time she cries what we have named the tired cry is when the child needs a nap- the tired cry is horrible! Luckily I can usually catch her before she gets there and that makes everyone's life easier. This baby girl likes her sleep and it doesn't matter how cool you are or how much you want to play...when she wants to sleep, she sleeps :) Other than that Kadence is a VERY laid back baby girl- she loves doing pretty much anything and is happy shopping, or at the park, or just playing on the floor. Andy and I find ourselves laughing with her and at her more and more every day! She has such a fun personality and a smile that can light up a whole room...
I remember when our social worker came and did our first "post-placement" visit and she was like, "So, tell me about Kadence and her personality." I remember Andy and I laughing after she left and being like...well, she poops, pees, sleeps, and cries :) We were in love with her, knew she was special, but felt like the things we could "pick out" about her personality were similar to most babies her age. It's crazy to think at the end of this month our social worker will be out for her second post placement visit and how much our life has changed since then.
Andy and I are leaps and bounds more in love with her than on the night we met her for the first time (I didn't think that was possible)! Kadence officially has Andy wrapped around her finger...it's so cute! Watching Andy be a dad is seriously one of my most treasured parts of my day.
Kadence has recently discovered the TV...I honestly wish it never would have happened! I noticed it the first time while I was feeding her and I was watching the bachelorette on the ipad (don't judge me)...the ipad was behind Kadence propped up on a pillow so only I could see it...the whole time I was trying to feed her she kept arching her back and trying to fling her head back to see the ipad- I let her figure it out and then she just stared mesmerized by it. Then we were downstairs a few days later watching myth busters and Kadence was doing tummy time. We moved her so she was facing us instead of the tv and she started crying. We turned her back around thinking surely not...and that was indeed was she was fussing about. Since we have noticed her fascination with the colors and sounds of the tv, I have tried making better choices with my netflix so today we watched some colorful sea animals parade around on the TV.
Kadence has discovered herself in the mirror (a sight that always makes her smile), her hands and her feet, Jada (someone that also makes her smile), and trees- Oh, my word this child likes to be outside! Andy has put a hammock in our backyard and whenever I can't find Kadence and Andy that's where they are! They could sit out there for hours and sometimes do. The other night they were out there and we had the christmas lights (this time of year we call them ambiance lights) on the deck and Kadence was coo-ing, Andy was talking to her, and I like a creeper was sitting on the deck just breathing in God's goodness.
I could go on and on and on about all the other amazing things that Kadence can do, or what she notices, or how God blesses us through her on any given day but I think that I will stop there and tell you that I am in love! Each day this roller coaster gets faster but each day I love it more and more! I think Andy and I have found our niche in life!
P.s. for those concerned I have recently started doing crock-pot meals AND grocery shopping so we are having warm meals and actually have fruits and veggies in our house again! I have found a rhythm with work that doesn't make me feel utterly overwhelmed and yet I am still productive. I am managing to get in quiet time with Jesus and spend time in His word and praying in color...the last thing to reel in is the pesky housework...:)
Thanks for following us in this amazing God Journey!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Cherishing the little things...
This morning I walked out of the shower and I could hear giggling coming from down stairs...I peaked around the corner and saw Andy, Jada, and Kadence all piled on to our ottoman. Andy and Kadence where mesmerized by each other and were lost in a conversation of giggles and coos. Jada would break in for kisses here and there and immediately I was filled with love! This is what I have dreamed about since the day I was a little girl...this was better than any make believe house I had played out when I was a little girl. The amount of joy that was in our house over something so small as looking in a mirror and cooing at each other was surreal.
I went in and continued to get ready and tears welled up in my eyes and I immediately felt God's grace pouring over me. Who am I that I would get blessed with this husband who is tender, generous, loving and passionate. God chose a man for me that everyday in living out his life I would be reminded of God's love for me. I love not being able to find my husband and then hear something outside and there he is sitting at the table reading his Bible, or smaller things like when the baby has a wet diaper and as I am getting up he offers to change her so I don't have to do it. It is his constant devotion to our family that blows me away. I am confident that it is God's grace that makes this all possible because Andy and I without Jesus is not a pretty sight, but what Jesus brings to our marriage...what Jesus brings to Andy as a dad and to him as a husband can not be learned by any parenting book or any other conventional learning means. What we have in our family is ONLY by the grace of God, Andy and I cannot take credit for any of it.
I am all too aware that we are the minority in our society in the fact that we have a thriving marriage and family unit. My heart is heavy in longing for others to find what we have found. I long for others to know the beauty of sacrificial love. I long for children to be raised to know that they have parents that love each other and are committed to parent them and their primary role is NOT to be their child's friend. I will cherish the love that Andy and I have found, count our blessings, and lean into raising Kadence to know God's love too...so that she too can experience the beauty of this kind of love from her future husband. (When she is like 55 of course...till then she won't be dating-lol)
Till next time-
I went in and continued to get ready and tears welled up in my eyes and I immediately felt God's grace pouring over me. Who am I that I would get blessed with this husband who is tender, generous, loving and passionate. God chose a man for me that everyday in living out his life I would be reminded of God's love for me. I love not being able to find my husband and then hear something outside and there he is sitting at the table reading his Bible, or smaller things like when the baby has a wet diaper and as I am getting up he offers to change her so I don't have to do it. It is his constant devotion to our family that blows me away. I am confident that it is God's grace that makes this all possible because Andy and I without Jesus is not a pretty sight, but what Jesus brings to our marriage...what Jesus brings to Andy as a dad and to him as a husband can not be learned by any parenting book or any other conventional learning means. What we have in our family is ONLY by the grace of God, Andy and I cannot take credit for any of it.
I am all too aware that we are the minority in our society in the fact that we have a thriving marriage and family unit. My heart is heavy in longing for others to find what we have found. I long for others to know the beauty of sacrificial love. I long for children to be raised to know that they have parents that love each other and are committed to parent them and their primary role is NOT to be their child's friend. I will cherish the love that Andy and I have found, count our blessings, and lean into raising Kadence to know God's love too...so that she too can experience the beauty of this kind of love from her future husband. (When she is like 55 of course...till then she won't be dating-lol)
Till next time-
Friday, May 17, 2013
The fear in LOVE...
Have you ever loved someone? Do you know the vulnerability that comes with TRUE love? I have known love in loving my husband, my family, and some very close friends...I never knew love with a child...with my child.
People always told me that in marriage my love for my husband would grow over time. I knew that to be true but was kind of fearful for Andy because I was crazy in love with him when we got married. But, here we are, 6 years later and my love for Andy is deeper and richer than it ever possibly could have been on our wedding day. I look forward to watching our love continue to grow as we go through life together.
Then bring in Kadence,another love that people described would grow over time. So much of my first few days with Kadence felt like babysitting. Even when we were home it still kind of felt like babysitting. I was in awe of her but I was secretly waiting for one of my teens to come in my front door and say thanks for watching her and take her home. I knew what it was like to babysit, I knew what it was like to love little ones and become very attached to them. I did not know what it felt like for Kadence to not leave after a day, a week, and now 3 months.
I have now gotten to experience her first smile, her first giggle, her first grasp of my finger, her first blow out diaper, her first congested nose, her first time taking antibiotics or children's tylenol, her first and second and third trip to the doctor. We've experienced lots of mishaps with each other as I adapt to being a new mom- like eating pizza and the parmesan cheese falls all over her and she looks like she has been in a snow storm, not having a prepared diaper bag (forgetting wipes or a bottle), my "wobble" as I carry her from place to place as I am sure that a 5 ft 4 woman is not supposed to balance easily with a car seat carrier. Through all of this: our late night feeds, countless trips to target, and our genuine love for each other somewhere along the way we became mother and daughter. Kadence trusts me that when she is in need I will come to her, she snuggles closer into to me than before, and her and I have this connection that if she is fussy I can just hold her close and we get through the fussiness together. Somewhere along the way she became my daughter...
I realized this transition happened this past weekend (I'm confident it happened before then but it has become VERY evident now) when we were celebrating mother's day and I woke up in a panic that someone was coming to take Kadence away from me. Satan's lies were all geared up and ready for the day as he paraded lies like "You're not her REAL mother" "It's not even official yet" "Baby daddy hasn't signed papers" "You're such a fraud" Starting mother's day this way was not how I planned. I was surrounded by deep sadness for our birth mom as I could not imagine the depth or emotions of this day for her. Right as I was praying for our birth mom, I get a text, it's from birth mom and she's wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day. As I started to talk with God I realized that somewhere I made the journey of being Kadence's babysitter and guardian to being Kadence's mother. With adoption there is a 6 month time in the state of Missouri before things become official...we are half way there...but I think when I was in babysitter/guardian mode the thoughts of the what if's did not enter my brain. But here I am now as Kadence's mother and loving her so much that the fears of the what if's are enough to keep me up at night.
As I sit here watching Kadence sleep, I remember back to sitting in the court room. I remember the judge asking, "Kylie are you prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to fight for Kadence if it were to come to that (if baby daddy decided to come back into the picture and fight for his rights)?" Those words today send me in to panic, worry, and fear. My response then was, "No, I'm not prepared but if it were to come to that we would get there" He asked again (I think I was supposed to say yes), "Are you prepared..." I know he wanted me to say yes emotionally I was prepared and could handle to fight for Kadence and potentially loose her. That was a lie! I am and will be ready to fight for Kadence any day of the week as it pertains to paternity, a bully fighting her on the playground, any sort of medical condition, or anything else that might come her way. I have signed up for a lifetime of fighting for her- being her biggest advocate and loving her through all of her lows and highs. I will fight for her...the part I couldn't get on board with was the emotionally prepared if it came to an end...That friends I am not prepared for. There is not enough prayer in the world, not enough books, not enough support, not enough of ANYTHING to prepare me for that. I would be a wreck! I would be worse than a wreck! It would be life shattering, pick Kylie off of the ground, horrible grief and pain for years and years...There are no words for the amount of pain I perceive that would be and that's with me having nothing to compare that magnitude of pain to.
But then just I am being taken aback by the emotion that comes with that fear in that same moment I am reminded about all of the love, fear, prayer, trust, and just falling before Jesus on your knees there is in this adoption. Want to get closer to Jesus? I am confident that starting the adoption process is a sure fire way to get with Jesus...it will rock your world! It more so than anything in my world thus far has reminded me of how little I am. How much NOT in control I am and how I am not God...and yet we keep moving forward. God has hand picked this child for me, there is no court document that could articulate it differently (and that's probably what scares me deep down more because I know the court system is broken and is not Jesus)...
This Sunday is Kadence's dedication! Andy and I along with our friends and family will stand before our church and commit to raising Kadence in a godly home. We will raise her to love Jesus! Part of that teaching her to love Jesus is Andy and I radically abandoning our own fears and leaning in to Jesus. He brought us this far and we are trusting Him to complete this good and perfect work in us and that He has a plan for Kadence and her future and that He will lovingly protect her through all of the legal/paperwork side of adoption. We are choosing to trust Jesus with our hearts and our fears...
Just as I love Andy more and more each day as I see him grow in his love for Jesus, others, our community, Kadence and myself...my love for Kadence grows more and more each day as I am filled with this love that I can not describe...it's a fighter kind of a love, it's a reckless kind of a love, it's an unconditional type of love, it's a warm fuzzy kind of love, it's a love that I truly believe there are no words for...it's a mother's love
People always told me that in marriage my love for my husband would grow over time. I knew that to be true but was kind of fearful for Andy because I was crazy in love with him when we got married. But, here we are, 6 years later and my love for Andy is deeper and richer than it ever possibly could have been on our wedding day. I look forward to watching our love continue to grow as we go through life together.
Then bring in Kadence,another love that people described would grow over time. So much of my first few days with Kadence felt like babysitting. Even when we were home it still kind of felt like babysitting. I was in awe of her but I was secretly waiting for one of my teens to come in my front door and say thanks for watching her and take her home. I knew what it was like to babysit, I knew what it was like to love little ones and become very attached to them. I did not know what it felt like for Kadence to not leave after a day, a week, and now 3 months.
I have now gotten to experience her first smile, her first giggle, her first grasp of my finger, her first blow out diaper, her first congested nose, her first time taking antibiotics or children's tylenol, her first and second and third trip to the doctor. We've experienced lots of mishaps with each other as I adapt to being a new mom- like eating pizza and the parmesan cheese falls all over her and she looks like she has been in a snow storm, not having a prepared diaper bag (forgetting wipes or a bottle), my "wobble" as I carry her from place to place as I am sure that a 5 ft 4 woman is not supposed to balance easily with a car seat carrier. Through all of this: our late night feeds, countless trips to target, and our genuine love for each other somewhere along the way we became mother and daughter. Kadence trusts me that when she is in need I will come to her, she snuggles closer into to me than before, and her and I have this connection that if she is fussy I can just hold her close and we get through the fussiness together. Somewhere along the way she became my daughter...
I realized this transition happened this past weekend (I'm confident it happened before then but it has become VERY evident now) when we were celebrating mother's day and I woke up in a panic that someone was coming to take Kadence away from me. Satan's lies were all geared up and ready for the day as he paraded lies like "You're not her REAL mother" "It's not even official yet" "Baby daddy hasn't signed papers" "You're such a fraud" Starting mother's day this way was not how I planned. I was surrounded by deep sadness for our birth mom as I could not imagine the depth or emotions of this day for her. Right as I was praying for our birth mom, I get a text, it's from birth mom and she's wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day. As I started to talk with God I realized that somewhere I made the journey of being Kadence's babysitter and guardian to being Kadence's mother. With adoption there is a 6 month time in the state of Missouri before things become official...we are half way there...but I think when I was in babysitter/guardian mode the thoughts of the what if's did not enter my brain. But here I am now as Kadence's mother and loving her so much that the fears of the what if's are enough to keep me up at night.
As I sit here watching Kadence sleep, I remember back to sitting in the court room. I remember the judge asking, "Kylie are you prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to fight for Kadence if it were to come to that (if baby daddy decided to come back into the picture and fight for his rights)?" Those words today send me in to panic, worry, and fear. My response then was, "No, I'm not prepared but if it were to come to that we would get there" He asked again (I think I was supposed to say yes), "Are you prepared..." I know he wanted me to say yes emotionally I was prepared and could handle to fight for Kadence and potentially loose her. That was a lie! I am and will be ready to fight for Kadence any day of the week as it pertains to paternity, a bully fighting her on the playground, any sort of medical condition, or anything else that might come her way. I have signed up for a lifetime of fighting for her- being her biggest advocate and loving her through all of her lows and highs. I will fight for her...the part I couldn't get on board with was the emotionally prepared if it came to an end...That friends I am not prepared for. There is not enough prayer in the world, not enough books, not enough support, not enough of ANYTHING to prepare me for that. I would be a wreck! I would be worse than a wreck! It would be life shattering, pick Kylie off of the ground, horrible grief and pain for years and years...There are no words for the amount of pain I perceive that would be and that's with me having nothing to compare that magnitude of pain to.
But then just I am being taken aback by the emotion that comes with that fear in that same moment I am reminded about all of the love, fear, prayer, trust, and just falling before Jesus on your knees there is in this adoption. Want to get closer to Jesus? I am confident that starting the adoption process is a sure fire way to get with Jesus...it will rock your world! It more so than anything in my world thus far has reminded me of how little I am. How much NOT in control I am and how I am not God...and yet we keep moving forward. God has hand picked this child for me, there is no court document that could articulate it differently (and that's probably what scares me deep down more because I know the court system is broken and is not Jesus)...
This Sunday is Kadence's dedication! Andy and I along with our friends and family will stand before our church and commit to raising Kadence in a godly home. We will raise her to love Jesus! Part of that teaching her to love Jesus is Andy and I radically abandoning our own fears and leaning in to Jesus. He brought us this far and we are trusting Him to complete this good and perfect work in us and that He has a plan for Kadence and her future and that He will lovingly protect her through all of the legal/paperwork side of adoption. We are choosing to trust Jesus with our hearts and our fears...
Just as I love Andy more and more each day as I see him grow in his love for Jesus, others, our community, Kadence and myself...my love for Kadence grows more and more each day as I am filled with this love that I can not describe...it's a fighter kind of a love, it's a reckless kind of a love, it's an unconditional type of love, it's a warm fuzzy kind of love, it's a love that I truly believe there are no words for...it's a mother's love
Friday, May 10, 2013
The balanced mother?
I think I made a mistake when I took maternity leave (I mean this highly sarcastically but there is probably a thin line of truth in there). When I was on maternity leave there was time for family, cooking, cleaning...I had meals on the table, laundry done, and slept well, experienced little to no stress, had so much time for visitors and friends...it was a simple life. I was missing my teens at work desperately but my life I was experiencing was not something I could relate to. I enjoyed it, it was just surreal...fast-forward to this week where I am struggling to wonder if balance will ever be restored to my life.
I will preface this train of thought (minor rant) with telling you that I have had a rough week and that much of this paragraph will feel like complaining. I think it is healthy so that you can see that I am very normal: Every ounce of my life this week has felt planned, rushed, out of control, and many people have been in bad moods periodically through this week (including myself). Most of the things I normally really enjoy doing, this week I have not enjoyed them. My house currently looks like a tornado attacked the laundry and then heaped it in my bedroom, I have dishes stacked, and I am pretty sure yesterday when Jada picked something off the floor what she got instead was a dust bunny. There are finally groceries in the fridge (a huge undertaking in of itself), now if there was just someone to make it into a meal. Add on top of all of this- it's the week that Andy works lots of days (every other week on 12's is hell and the opposite week is SUPER). Then add on top the phone calls and texts of this person wanting to see you and that person needing this and wanting that...Then add on top of that graduation parties, weddings, and mother's day this week....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to torch the laundry, throw away all of the dishes, go out to eat- and then lock my husband, my puppy, and my beautiful baby girl up in a place that doesn't get dirty and we can just sit around, laugh, play, and snuggle. I was talking to someone and ranting about my week and they said motherhood is hard and I was like...ummm what part of that was complaining about motherhood...all the things I am complaining about existed pre-Kadence. She is the only thing that makes long weeks fun, de-stresses me, and brings me back to my happy place. The problem is prior to Kadence I didn't realize how fun NOT doing all of the other things in life was. Laundry is REALLY LAME in comparison to rocking a smiley baby girl and talking to her about her amazing daddy.
So what do I do? How do I restore balance to my life so I don't set fire to my house or snap at the next person that wants to hang out with me? More importantly how do I set up a life that creates balance so that as Kadence grows up she understands and values the importance of a healthy balance in life. I believe that as a young woman she will need to learn what it means to be a mom and a wife and in my heart I think that is SO much more than household chores and responsibilities. So, like every good problem that needs fixing I went to pinterest. I have looked up things like "life balance plan", "cleaning schedules", "meal plans"...blah,blah,blah...but I am convinced that the women that have time to make their cleaning schedule pretty, make a printable for it, and then upload it to pinterest are not my same kind of women. One of the ones I saw this morning was a monthly calendar and then at the bottom she had weekly, monthly and daily tasks. Her Daily tasks had 15 things on it, and then the weekly tasks 32 things, and then the monthly another 15 things to do. She has assigned all of them a numerical value and then in every day of the week in the monthly calendar where the numbers associated...so like on May 10th there was numbers 1,4,6,8,9,5,3,12 of and her daily tasks and immediately my reaction was RIGHT!!!!THERE IS NO WAY!!!! I would just be grateful if I got her "daily tasks" done once a week.
There has got to be a better way, a way that doesn't bring about guilt when something on the list doesn't get done. A way that gives grace when you are 3 days in and still no hot meal on the table. I think deep down I am even angry that there is a to do list at all...I don't want Kadence to grow up in a family that's driven by a to do list or the calendar...and so I leave pinterest and go to God's word arguably where I should have been all along and I sit in His grace. I know that my worth and His love for me is not defined by how many meals I made, e-mails I returned, loads of laundry I did. He has called me to love Him, my husband, my daughter, and those less fortunate than me. So instead of checking off the to do list, I find my self reflecting How well did I love Jesus this week? How did I show Andy love this week? How did I love Kadence this week? How did I love my friends at Pro Deo this week?
There has go to be a fine line between "pinterest mommy perfection" and "world's ultimate hoarder" and I think I am getting there...I am a mommy that loves Jesus, her family, her community and will strive each day to love them more. I'm secretly hoping that out of my intense love for those things that Jesus will give me more hours in the day and send me a whole host of kids so that we can divide and conquer the long list of chores on pinterest mommy's list- hahahaha.
Till then, here's me leaning into living out Love and wrapping grace all around me and breathing...here's to not being all things to all people and the freedom that comes with that!
Till next time...
I will preface this train of thought (minor rant) with telling you that I have had a rough week and that much of this paragraph will feel like complaining. I think it is healthy so that you can see that I am very normal: Every ounce of my life this week has felt planned, rushed, out of control, and many people have been in bad moods periodically through this week (including myself). Most of the things I normally really enjoy doing, this week I have not enjoyed them. My house currently looks like a tornado attacked the laundry and then heaped it in my bedroom, I have dishes stacked, and I am pretty sure yesterday when Jada picked something off the floor what she got instead was a dust bunny. There are finally groceries in the fridge (a huge undertaking in of itself), now if there was just someone to make it into a meal. Add on top of all of this- it's the week that Andy works lots of days (every other week on 12's is hell and the opposite week is SUPER). Then add on top the phone calls and texts of this person wanting to see you and that person needing this and wanting that...Then add on top of that graduation parties, weddings, and mother's day this week....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to torch the laundry, throw away all of the dishes, go out to eat- and then lock my husband, my puppy, and my beautiful baby girl up in a place that doesn't get dirty and we can just sit around, laugh, play, and snuggle. I was talking to someone and ranting about my week and they said motherhood is hard and I was like...ummm what part of that was complaining about motherhood...all the things I am complaining about existed pre-Kadence. She is the only thing that makes long weeks fun, de-stresses me, and brings me back to my happy place. The problem is prior to Kadence I didn't realize how fun NOT doing all of the other things in life was. Laundry is REALLY LAME in comparison to rocking a smiley baby girl and talking to her about her amazing daddy.
So what do I do? How do I restore balance to my life so I don't set fire to my house or snap at the next person that wants to hang out with me? More importantly how do I set up a life that creates balance so that as Kadence grows up she understands and values the importance of a healthy balance in life. I believe that as a young woman she will need to learn what it means to be a mom and a wife and in my heart I think that is SO much more than household chores and responsibilities. So, like every good problem that needs fixing I went to pinterest. I have looked up things like "life balance plan", "cleaning schedules", "meal plans"...blah,blah,blah...but I am convinced that the women that have time to make their cleaning schedule pretty, make a printable for it, and then upload it to pinterest are not my same kind of women. One of the ones I saw this morning was a monthly calendar and then at the bottom she had weekly, monthly and daily tasks. Her Daily tasks had 15 things on it, and then the weekly tasks 32 things, and then the monthly another 15 things to do. She has assigned all of them a numerical value and then in every day of the week in the monthly calendar where the numbers associated...so like on May 10th there was numbers 1,4,6,8,9,5,3,12 of and her daily tasks and immediately my reaction was RIGHT!!!!THERE IS NO WAY!!!! I would just be grateful if I got her "daily tasks" done once a week.
There has got to be a better way, a way that doesn't bring about guilt when something on the list doesn't get done. A way that gives grace when you are 3 days in and still no hot meal on the table. I think deep down I am even angry that there is a to do list at all...I don't want Kadence to grow up in a family that's driven by a to do list or the calendar...and so I leave pinterest and go to God's word arguably where I should have been all along and I sit in His grace. I know that my worth and His love for me is not defined by how many meals I made, e-mails I returned, loads of laundry I did. He has called me to love Him, my husband, my daughter, and those less fortunate than me. So instead of checking off the to do list, I find my self reflecting How well did I love Jesus this week? How did I show Andy love this week? How did I love Kadence this week? How did I love my friends at Pro Deo this week?
There has go to be a fine line between "pinterest mommy perfection" and "world's ultimate hoarder" and I think I am getting there...I am a mommy that loves Jesus, her family, her community and will strive each day to love them more. I'm secretly hoping that out of my intense love for those things that Jesus will give me more hours in the day and send me a whole host of kids so that we can divide and conquer the long list of chores on pinterest mommy's list- hahahaha.
Till then, here's me leaning into living out Love and wrapping grace all around me and breathing...here's to not being all things to all people and the freedom that comes with that!
Till next time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)