For me this year I think that mother's day is my new christmas. Probably a little exaggerated when you think of the meaning of Christmas but my excitement for mother's day this year is more excitement than I have ever had for a holiday in a long time. I think that because mother's day has been the root of such a huge struggle in my life that there is healing in this day. That this day in my walk with God is the answer to the pain, to every tear I cried along this journey.
At our church they do this thing called "my story". I have often wondered if God would ever call me to tell my story. I often get asked to tell my story in regards to Pro Deo but rarely do people want to know anything more about my walk with God than how it pertains to Pro Deo (probably an untruth it just seems that way sometimes) I often wondered if my story that I get called to share would be about the wait for my husband, my selfesteem through PCOS, the grief of losing a parent at Christmas and then loosing your grandfather the next christmas and wondering if Christmas would ever have joy in it, the aftermath of suicide and how that screws with your walk with God...in my 29 years there has been serious heartache, serious grief, self discovery, and MANY MANY tears. And then I wonder what if God has me share my story about this journey...the journey of becoming a mom. So, in my over the top "let's plan things out" I thought about writing out my story. I will warn you that these are the conversations that prior to having a blog I would have just articulated in the car, while driving alone something that has been very therapeutic over the years.
Let me lay the foundation of me telling my story- It's mother's day and I am standing up giving my story in front of church as part of the worship service and this is how it goes (my rough draft-lol)-
My name is Kylie and this is my story-
I hate mother's day! It's a painful day that has no good purpose except to bring pain to those who are not mothers. Add church to this equation and the pain of mother's day gets worse. Every year since I have gotten married I have attended church on mother's day. Every year I have cried, every year I have gotten angry, and every year it takes everything in me to sit through the service. There is something about God using something painful to bring you closer to him and then there is just down right torture. For me, Mother's day is torture. The first year of my marriage mother's day was painful because I had lost my dad that december and as much as I love my mom doing anything for mother's day was not about my mom it was a reminder of the pain that my dad was gone. I remember getting a text message from my step dad asking me what we were doing for mothers day and me getting SO angry! He couldn't possibly know the pain of his text, I don't think I could ever articulate it. I didn't want to celebrate the love of my amazing mom and be happy, I wanted to be sad and be angry that my dad had been taken from me to early. Then there was year two mother's day approaches, at this point andy and I have been trying to conceive for a year and a half with no luck. Mother's day now is a reminder of what I don't have, what I can't do...I can't make a child. No matter how much I love my husband, how great our marriage is, how much I want a child, and nothing...So we go to church and we reach the part of the service where the pastor calls the little kids up gives them carnations and asks them to pass them out to all of the mother's in the congregation. Great! Now everybody can tell I can't make a baby...but then there was the kids that came to our aisle. One kid reached out to give me a carnation (although I knew I wasn't a mom, I would not turn down his carnation, because it brought me joy that he thought that maybe I could be a mom- or maybe in his little mind a woman equaled a mom- whatever it was he made my heart stop and smile for a second) only to be interrupted by an older kid, a kid that new clearly better how to do their job and said she's not a mom and took the carnation away from the kid. He was right, I wasn't a mom but his words stung. He had no idea how painful his words were and so I walked out of church admiring the seas of carnations and feeling the very real and painful void of not receiving a carnation and the hurtful words of a boy that couldn't have been more than 8 years old. The third year, they talked about mom's that were not our biological moms but our spiritual moms and being a mom to others that didn't have a mom. A woman after church stopped me and said that she couldn't stop thinking about me and how she knew that I was a mom to so many teens in our community that didn't have a mom. Although I feel a very real paternal love for the teens in our community- the fact is at the end of the day they go home to their families, they tend to go back to the mom that hurt them, the mom that told them they weren't good enough, and the mom that never wanted them before...there is still a bond there that all the love that I give them can not take the place of their mom and I usually end up the one getting hurt and ending up alone. Maybe it's my fault for jumping all in and loving these teens with a love that I can't explain and not setting appropriate boundaries and trying to be something to them that I am not but "mothering" in the ministry world has been very painful and I always end up loving my heart out and getting hurt, healing just enough to throw it all in again and again and again. So that mother's day came and went and I took the many text messages I got that year for being "like" a mother to them. It meant so much to me but I still longed for something very different. I longed for a baby that I could call my own, that I could love, teach right from wrong, have play dates with, teach them their abc's, how to read, and finger paint together. As the years past, this struggle, and the pain got deeper and deeper till it became the forefront of everything I prayed for, longed for, thought about, dreamed for...bring on the next year. Mother's day comes around and they decide to do infant baptism on mother's day, it was almost like hallmark planned it themselves, how cute infant baptism on mother's day. They should really put warnings in the bulletin before they pull a stunt like this. I can't make it through infant baptism as it is without crying to then add insult to injury and mix it with mother's day...needless to say that was the breaking point and the next year I vowed I could not do another mother's day and that I would have church on my own at the coffee shop so I didn't have to deal with the pain. So, this is my 6th mother's day and this year I get to celebrate it with my two month old. God has healed the pain, heard the cries...he did not leave me in the desert. He did however use the pain to make the celebration sweeter. He did use the hurt to let the healing begin. He used my tears to make me aware that holidays are sometimes hard, that church sometimes even with the best of intentions adds to the pain, but that HE can hold me, He can change me, and He can heal me. So today, I will probably not make it through service without crying. But today for the first time in many years this day is not about who got a carnation and who didn't, it's not about this label that I have longed to have as "mother" it's about the healing that comes when you lean into God, where you trust him that His timing is best, His love for us is best, and that He is teaching and molding us for His plan and that this mother's day as I worship, singing praises to him and holding my sweet baby girl close, breathing in the sweet smells of baby lotion, admiring all her little flinches and facial expressions...I hold in my arms something God was working on far before it became my struggle, before the pain, and the tears He was planning this day. A day when the years of pain on mothers day are made sweet by the realization that God has crashed into my story, made me whole, and I stand as living proof that God creates miracles still, and he has given me a gift of a beautiful little girl that I can't put into words my gratitude so I will sing, and cry, and hold her...I am trusting today if mother's day is even a smidgen of painful as it has been for me, that you are here today- that God is working, and this is just a dot in the grand scheme of His story for you. Do not loose heart, and let the tears come for He loves you and He is working for you. He has not forgotten you!
I am Kylie and this is my story...
On other news Kadence is doing great- she is getting stronger by the day. She is more alert and so much fun to play with. I have two weeks till I go back to work so a lot of my google searches and pinteresting lately have been about time management with a baby and how to be a wife, mom, and executive director, how to be a police officers wife who's husband works midnights and still make it up for my 8am meetings. I am blessed that 90% of my job I can do with a baby in my arms, and that we have a good support system for days when I need a babysitter. I have missed my other kiddos so much and am so excited to let Kadence grow up in her Pro Deo family. But I will secretly miss the countless hours on the couch watching netflix and my only job being snuggling Miss Kadence. My life has forever changed and I am better because of it! I thank God that he has made a way, and provided along this path for us and that He is in control of our little family :)
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Getting to know Kadence...
I have heard that all newborns look alike, act alike, etc, etc...but I am dying to get to know Kadence and her personality...what things does she like, dislike...what makes her Kadence...
At week two this is what I can tell you...
She LOVES these things-
Tummy Time
Fleece
Having one arm free from her swaddle
Sleeping on my chest
Eating- she loves to Eat...her bottle of choice right now is Dr. Brown's
She loves to poop at midnight pretty much daily
The swing
Jada kisses
Milk Coma's
Hair Bows (although right now she prefers the thinner headband over the larger one-lol)
Rocking
The couch
And she loves being awake and looking around
Thinks she is not a fan of...
being WET (being in poop doesn't seem to bother her, but pee is a different story- thank God for those diapers with the wet sensor on them- although I think she has her own built in sensor)
spitting up (it's few and far between but when she gets her clothes all wet, she is not a fan)
Changing clothes
Putting on lotion or anything that consists of being cold
She has spent most of her days thus far being held, cuddled, and having her picture taken.
She seems to be very laid back and other than being wet, if she is angry about something she lets out a speak of screaming and then goes back to her laid back self. Her cry to me sounds like what I think a pterodactyl would sound like, so sometimes that's what I call her :)
She has acquired many nicknames at this point, some being: K-Dog, K-Love, Baby Burrito, Snow Leopard (given because of an outfit she has), diva, princess :)
So far life with a newborn is priceless! It's a spiritual experience that causes me to slow down. She brings a peaceful rhythm to my day that I have not experienced in a very long time.
As far as Andy and I go, we are doing great! We actually don't know what to think about all this time we have together. This is probably the longest time we have had of actual uninterrupted alone time in years or ever in our marriage. We are relearning how to be friends, team players, communicate better, and just relax together. These are all things that I felt like we were good at all along but my appreciation for how much sweeter all of this has been since Kadence has been in our life is surreal. I am in awe everyday by how protective, thoughtful, selfless, and cute my husband is. The times when he stops over and over again in the middle of a project to get a burp rag, pacifier, or make a bottle. The times when we were in the hospital and I had been up all night and he left and got me starbucks (something he would never do). Each day I find myself loving him more, thanking God more, smiling more, and taking more deep breaths than I ever have before...
I know that we are just at the beginning of the journey, but I wanted to take a second and write to tell you that all of the pain that has been in this journey(from 8th grade and my first dr. visit about PCOS till now)...every step of the way/wait has been worth it to experience life in the way I do now! I would not take back a single tear, yelling match with God, or the many journal entries of asking where God was in my heartache...He was there all along...He was weaving this story, just like he's weaving yours and Kadence's story too! So we sit back, release control, and dive in to the beautiful story He has set before us! I don't know if you are struggling with infertility or what struggle has been placed in your life, but I am confident we all have one...so lean in to God and listen and know that He is big enough to handle your pain, no matter how big it is or how much of your heart it consumes...
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Dreams really do come true...
This is the third time in my life I remember praying for something so hard, so fervently, so passionately that everything in my being longed for this answered prayer (lets get this straight, I have had many answered prayers in my life time but there are three instances where it is evident to me that God has done nothing short of a miracle in my life)...
Let's back up to the dream- the dream was to be pregnant, to give birth, and to raise a healthy baby girl (I long for more than one child but my first love was and is a baby girl). The dream was to raise a daughter to know her value in Christ, that she would love her self, and know how to love others. That there would be a little human in this world that we could teach the alphabet to, her numbers, and where her eyes, noes, and toes were. The dream was about ruffles, and bows, and animal print. The dream was about cooking together, sewing, playing in the park, having lazy saturdays around the house, and being a mom...
Fast forward to present day- It was Sunday February 24, 2013. It had started off like most Sundays in my life, with some awesome worship and teaching. It was one of my favorite Sundays because it's communion and those are always very special sundays in my book. During the sermon, I was prompted to think about my struggle with infertility. I went down for communion, took the bread and the grape juice and went over to my normal spot to get on my knees before the Lord. I think my prayer went something like...I am exhausted God! I have longed for this baby girl for so long that I can't stand the thought of her not being here. My heart is so invested in loving her before I even have known her. God the way you have orchestrated every event has me convinced that Andy and I are walking within your will. God protect my heart, you know that it is fragile. Protect Kadence and let her come in yout perfect timing and let me be okay with that. Be with birth mom (although when I talk to Jesus about her, I use her name-lol) as she prepares for delivery, give her strength and endurance. Protect her and keep her safe during delivery. God I am ready whenever you are ready...thank you for loving me enough to lead me through this journey.
After church, Andy and I had lunch and decided to do some spring cleaning to get more Pro Deo stuff out of our house and make sure they were set up with enough food, toilet paper, etc for when Kadence decided to make her arrival. My game plan was for Andy to work up at Pro Deo and I was going to go to Starbucks and process the "pain of infertility" and offer encouragement for those in the depth of the storm. We were just getting into the car to go to Starbucks when the text message went off that Kadence thought today might be her birthday and that birth mom was at the hospital. I have never been so excited to give up coffee! We headed to the house to drop Jada off, get our stuff, and head to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I made calls to our family, updated facebook, and sat in fear and let the tears well up...this was go time...this was everything I had prepared for and I was ready for the seemingly difficult days ahead. I had dreaded the hospital visit, the awkwardness, the 48 hours of waiting...I had so many unanswered questions like would birth mom change her mind, would she hold her, would I bond with Kadence immediately or would I grow to love her? I didn't say much on the way to the hospital, and when we walked in the hospital staff was quick to get us up to speed and get us to birth moms room. I found myself sitting over in the corner for most of the time, praying through contractions, and trying to get my mind wrapped around what was taking place...there are no words that go with seeing someone go through so much pain, for us, for this little girl, to let God use her to answer our prayers...my mind could not comprehend it all...so I downloaded an app on my phone to track contractions so that I felt like I was "doing" something productive. Then the nursery nurse came in and she was asking a lot of questions and that was when I learned that birth mom's plan was to not see Kadence while in the hospital, that she would be in the nursery the whole time, etc. This was different than I had prepared my mind for so I started wrapping my mind around all of that and was this new game plan would look like. Then it was about 9:15, a couple hours since the nursery nurse had been in, birth mom was getting checked and then getting an epidural and a nurse came and got me and wanted to tell me about a new plan...this plan consisted with us having a second room and as soon as Kadence was born they were to bring her over and her and I would do skin to skin contact and then we would stay in that room for awhile. I was almost brought to tears again as this was not what I had prepared for but was overjoyed with this decision. So we (Andy, myself, birth mom's dad, and step dad) all piled into this room to watch the academy awards. at some point a sonic run was made because they were telling us we could still have several hours. It was during this sonic trip that birth mom felt pressure and it was push time...they started wheeling stuff into her room, and Andy and I went next door to wait for the arrival of our baby girl. Not very long later (like 10:23) in comes a rushing nurse and she has a gooey baby that's crying...I am in AWE...I have seen my fair share of child birthing videos and nothing could have prepared me for the awe that I was in...I know that it was only a few minutes till they put her in my arms...but waiting for that seemed longer than my whole journey through infertility. But then it happened...they gave me this wide eyed baby girl and she just stared at me and I was hooked...Andy was sure to put Pandora on before this all started so the mood was set and I remember a Shawn Mcdonald song came on and the lyrics were, "what would I do if I did not have you"...although it summed up everything I was feeling holding this little human, it was also the song I shared with Holly before she left for Madagascar which made it even more special to me. So the next several hours were spent holding, feeding, and loving on this baby girl! I didn't get any sleep night one as I was just too excited! So in the quietness of our room I kept telling Kadence how much we had prayed for her, how loved she was, and how she had no idea what a miracle she was in my life.
The next day birth mom got discharged from the hospital and before she left asked if she cld come by and see Kadence. At this point I started freaking out...was she changing her mind? There were so many other irrational thoughts going through my mind at this point ( I was highly sleep deprived at this point) but I said yes and she came down and instantly my fears were put to rest as when she walked into the room a wave of peace surrounded me and fell over that room. We followed it up with pics of us all with Kadence, something that I think is very special to us all and will be very special to Kadence when she is older. When birth mom left there was a whole other level of intensity of emotions welling up inside of me (and I suppressed them, just as I had done the day before). The next few days were bliss of holding Kadence, watching netflix, and entertaining company. I did not leave Kadence's side longer than to pee, eat, or take a shower from Sunday night until Wednesday.
Then there was Wednesday night and the practicality of bringing home Kadence the next day hit me and I decided I needed to go home to get things ready so tomorrow would be seamless. To tell the nurse we were leaving for the night and would be back after court was the hardest thing I had said in days or at least it was at that point that all of my emotions caught up with me...and I cried the ugly cry...I could't bare the thought of leaving her there. I couldn't even process the emotions of the what if's...what if it didn't go through, what if this was the last time I would ever see her...so I clung tighter to her and cried harder, and didn't know if I could walk away even if it was for just 12 hours or so. After I mustered up the courage to leave, we got in the car and I cried more, then we went and picked up Jada and I cried more, then we went home and I took a shower and I cried more...I was officially a mess. There were tears of every emotion imaginable in there and so the flood gates just came and came and I finally pulled myself enough together that I could get out of the shower go to Hyvee and eat dinner at fazoli's. That night I fell right to sleep and woke up very early for court the next morning.
There there's court-
They (lawyer, social worker, etc) had told us that it didn't matter how close you were to birth family that the day of court was a hard day for everyone and so they would keep us separated to protect us. I didn't know how I felt about all of that. It seemed cold and very opposite of what our relationship had been prior to that. But I prepared myself for that and walked in the doors. We walked up the steps and into the room and there birth mom and her mom were at the vending machine and I froze, I didn't know what I was supposed to do...was this a talk to, walk away moment, no one had prepared me for this...so I did what only I know how to do and I just ran up to her and gave her a big ole hug! It was so good to not be separated! I felt another wave of peace...so our families joined and met, our lawyers filed in, and so did the social workers...there was lots of small talk about boots, leg warmers, and other random conversations. I think the lawyers and social workers were more in awe of how we interacted...Then they called birth mom in for court and 5 minutes later she was out and it was our turn to go in...
What we were about to go through is something I think every parent should have to do. We stood before a judge and they asked us are you physically, emotionally, and financially ready to bring a child into your life. Are you coming before the court today saying that you wish to be Kadence's mother. There were several other questions that were asked all around this matter and as tears filled the eyes of everyone in the room and as my throat kept getting choked up, the judge made her ruling that Andy and I could go to the hospital and take our baby girl home! After we were done everyone wanted to sit around an chat and talk about how happy they were...not me...I had a one track mind- leave the court house and go and get my baby girl!!! So, that is just what we did! When we arrived at the hospital, the social workers and nurses were waiting in our room for us. They called the dr. over and she signed our discharge papers and just like that we were out of there.
It has now been a week since Kadence has entered the world and I am still beyond words when it comes to describing the little details that God took care of in these days this week, and in the months and years prior to Kadence's birth. All those times I cried out to Him...he heard...All those times I listened to Matthew West's One Less...He heard...it's been a week and listening to worship music is still to raw to do. I still do it, but I am a mess each and every time. My relationship with God and his love for me, our birth mom, and for this little girl is enough to bring me to tears every time. So hear I sit, working on this blog post for almost 7 hours in between feeds, diapers, and cuddles...and I can't be more happy.
Andy and I are smitten in love with our little girl, she is our miracle! She is our everything we have ever wanted and so much more! She is our princess, our diva, the missing piece to our hearts.
Adoption is Love, Adoption is beautiful, Adoption is long, hard, and intense but it is the most amazing thing I have ever been apart of.
Well, I would love to stay in chat, but I think there is a little girl laying next to me that just needs to be held, not because she is crying, not because she is hungry but just because I can...Over and over again while I am rocking her I whisper close to her ear in between kisses...Mommy loves you, mommy prayed for you for so long, I never thought I would ever get to hold you, you are beautiful, I love you, God made you very special, just for me...and over and over again this is what I tell her when we snuggle.
So here we are, living proof that God answers prayers in a BIG way and that dreams really do come true!!!
Let's back up to the dream- the dream was to be pregnant, to give birth, and to raise a healthy baby girl (I long for more than one child but my first love was and is a baby girl). The dream was to raise a daughter to know her value in Christ, that she would love her self, and know how to love others. That there would be a little human in this world that we could teach the alphabet to, her numbers, and where her eyes, noes, and toes were. The dream was about ruffles, and bows, and animal print. The dream was about cooking together, sewing, playing in the park, having lazy saturdays around the house, and being a mom...
Fast forward to present day- It was Sunday February 24, 2013. It had started off like most Sundays in my life, with some awesome worship and teaching. It was one of my favorite Sundays because it's communion and those are always very special sundays in my book. During the sermon, I was prompted to think about my struggle with infertility. I went down for communion, took the bread and the grape juice and went over to my normal spot to get on my knees before the Lord. I think my prayer went something like...I am exhausted God! I have longed for this baby girl for so long that I can't stand the thought of her not being here. My heart is so invested in loving her before I even have known her. God the way you have orchestrated every event has me convinced that Andy and I are walking within your will. God protect my heart, you know that it is fragile. Protect Kadence and let her come in yout perfect timing and let me be okay with that. Be with birth mom (although when I talk to Jesus about her, I use her name-lol) as she prepares for delivery, give her strength and endurance. Protect her and keep her safe during delivery. God I am ready whenever you are ready...thank you for loving me enough to lead me through this journey.
After church, Andy and I had lunch and decided to do some spring cleaning to get more Pro Deo stuff out of our house and make sure they were set up with enough food, toilet paper, etc for when Kadence decided to make her arrival. My game plan was for Andy to work up at Pro Deo and I was going to go to Starbucks and process the "pain of infertility" and offer encouragement for those in the depth of the storm. We were just getting into the car to go to Starbucks when the text message went off that Kadence thought today might be her birthday and that birth mom was at the hospital. I have never been so excited to give up coffee! We headed to the house to drop Jada off, get our stuff, and head to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I made calls to our family, updated facebook, and sat in fear and let the tears well up...this was go time...this was everything I had prepared for and I was ready for the seemingly difficult days ahead. I had dreaded the hospital visit, the awkwardness, the 48 hours of waiting...I had so many unanswered questions like would birth mom change her mind, would she hold her, would I bond with Kadence immediately or would I grow to love her? I didn't say much on the way to the hospital, and when we walked in the hospital staff was quick to get us up to speed and get us to birth moms room. I found myself sitting over in the corner for most of the time, praying through contractions, and trying to get my mind wrapped around what was taking place...there are no words that go with seeing someone go through so much pain, for us, for this little girl, to let God use her to answer our prayers...my mind could not comprehend it all...so I downloaded an app on my phone to track contractions so that I felt like I was "doing" something productive. Then the nursery nurse came in and she was asking a lot of questions and that was when I learned that birth mom's plan was to not see Kadence while in the hospital, that she would be in the nursery the whole time, etc. This was different than I had prepared my mind for so I started wrapping my mind around all of that and was this new game plan would look like. Then it was about 9:15, a couple hours since the nursery nurse had been in, birth mom was getting checked and then getting an epidural and a nurse came and got me and wanted to tell me about a new plan...this plan consisted with us having a second room and as soon as Kadence was born they were to bring her over and her and I would do skin to skin contact and then we would stay in that room for awhile. I was almost brought to tears again as this was not what I had prepared for but was overjoyed with this decision. So we (Andy, myself, birth mom's dad, and step dad) all piled into this room to watch the academy awards. at some point a sonic run was made because they were telling us we could still have several hours. It was during this sonic trip that birth mom felt pressure and it was push time...they started wheeling stuff into her room, and Andy and I went next door to wait for the arrival of our baby girl. Not very long later (like 10:23) in comes a rushing nurse and she has a gooey baby that's crying...I am in AWE...I have seen my fair share of child birthing videos and nothing could have prepared me for the awe that I was in...I know that it was only a few minutes till they put her in my arms...but waiting for that seemed longer than my whole journey through infertility. But then it happened...they gave me this wide eyed baby girl and she just stared at me and I was hooked...Andy was sure to put Pandora on before this all started so the mood was set and I remember a Shawn Mcdonald song came on and the lyrics were, "what would I do if I did not have you"...although it summed up everything I was feeling holding this little human, it was also the song I shared with Holly before she left for Madagascar which made it even more special to me. So the next several hours were spent holding, feeding, and loving on this baby girl! I didn't get any sleep night one as I was just too excited! So in the quietness of our room I kept telling Kadence how much we had prayed for her, how loved she was, and how she had no idea what a miracle she was in my life.
The next day birth mom got discharged from the hospital and before she left asked if she cld come by and see Kadence. At this point I started freaking out...was she changing her mind? There were so many other irrational thoughts going through my mind at this point ( I was highly sleep deprived at this point) but I said yes and she came down and instantly my fears were put to rest as when she walked into the room a wave of peace surrounded me and fell over that room. We followed it up with pics of us all with Kadence, something that I think is very special to us all and will be very special to Kadence when she is older. When birth mom left there was a whole other level of intensity of emotions welling up inside of me (and I suppressed them, just as I had done the day before). The next few days were bliss of holding Kadence, watching netflix, and entertaining company. I did not leave Kadence's side longer than to pee, eat, or take a shower from Sunday night until Wednesday.
Then there was Wednesday night and the practicality of bringing home Kadence the next day hit me and I decided I needed to go home to get things ready so tomorrow would be seamless. To tell the nurse we were leaving for the night and would be back after court was the hardest thing I had said in days or at least it was at that point that all of my emotions caught up with me...and I cried the ugly cry...I could't bare the thought of leaving her there. I couldn't even process the emotions of the what if's...what if it didn't go through, what if this was the last time I would ever see her...so I clung tighter to her and cried harder, and didn't know if I could walk away even if it was for just 12 hours or so. After I mustered up the courage to leave, we got in the car and I cried more, then we went and picked up Jada and I cried more, then we went home and I took a shower and I cried more...I was officially a mess. There were tears of every emotion imaginable in there and so the flood gates just came and came and I finally pulled myself enough together that I could get out of the shower go to Hyvee and eat dinner at fazoli's. That night I fell right to sleep and woke up very early for court the next morning.
There there's court-
They (lawyer, social worker, etc) had told us that it didn't matter how close you were to birth family that the day of court was a hard day for everyone and so they would keep us separated to protect us. I didn't know how I felt about all of that. It seemed cold and very opposite of what our relationship had been prior to that. But I prepared myself for that and walked in the doors. We walked up the steps and into the room and there birth mom and her mom were at the vending machine and I froze, I didn't know what I was supposed to do...was this a talk to, walk away moment, no one had prepared me for this...so I did what only I know how to do and I just ran up to her and gave her a big ole hug! It was so good to not be separated! I felt another wave of peace...so our families joined and met, our lawyers filed in, and so did the social workers...there was lots of small talk about boots, leg warmers, and other random conversations. I think the lawyers and social workers were more in awe of how we interacted...Then they called birth mom in for court and 5 minutes later she was out and it was our turn to go in...
What we were about to go through is something I think every parent should have to do. We stood before a judge and they asked us are you physically, emotionally, and financially ready to bring a child into your life. Are you coming before the court today saying that you wish to be Kadence's mother. There were several other questions that were asked all around this matter and as tears filled the eyes of everyone in the room and as my throat kept getting choked up, the judge made her ruling that Andy and I could go to the hospital and take our baby girl home! After we were done everyone wanted to sit around an chat and talk about how happy they were...not me...I had a one track mind- leave the court house and go and get my baby girl!!! So, that is just what we did! When we arrived at the hospital, the social workers and nurses were waiting in our room for us. They called the dr. over and she signed our discharge papers and just like that we were out of there.
It has now been a week since Kadence has entered the world and I am still beyond words when it comes to describing the little details that God took care of in these days this week, and in the months and years prior to Kadence's birth. All those times I cried out to Him...he heard...All those times I listened to Matthew West's One Less...He heard...it's been a week and listening to worship music is still to raw to do. I still do it, but I am a mess each and every time. My relationship with God and his love for me, our birth mom, and for this little girl is enough to bring me to tears every time. So hear I sit, working on this blog post for almost 7 hours in between feeds, diapers, and cuddles...and I can't be more happy.
Andy and I are smitten in love with our little girl, she is our miracle! She is our everything we have ever wanted and so much more! She is our princess, our diva, the missing piece to our hearts.
Adoption is Love, Adoption is beautiful, Adoption is long, hard, and intense but it is the most amazing thing I have ever been apart of.
Well, I would love to stay in chat, but I think there is a little girl laying next to me that just needs to be held, not because she is crying, not because she is hungry but just because I can...Over and over again while I am rocking her I whisper close to her ear in between kisses...Mommy loves you, mommy prayed for you for so long, I never thought I would ever get to hold you, you are beautiful, I love you, God made you very special, just for me...and over and over again this is what I tell her when we snuggle.
So here we are, living proof that God answers prayers in a BIG way and that dreams really do come true!!!
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