This is the third time in my life I remember praying for something so hard, so fervently, so passionately that everything in my being longed for this answered prayer (lets get this straight, I have had many answered prayers in my life time but there are three instances where it is evident to me that God has done nothing short of a miracle in my life)...
Let's back up to the dream- the dream was to be pregnant, to give birth, and to raise a healthy baby girl (I long for more than one child but my first love was and is a baby girl). The dream was to raise a daughter to know her value in Christ, that she would love her self, and know how to love others. That there would be a little human in this world that we could teach the alphabet to, her numbers, and where her eyes, noes, and toes were. The dream was about ruffles, and bows, and animal print. The dream was about cooking together, sewing, playing in the park, having lazy saturdays around the house, and being a mom...
Fast forward to present day- It was Sunday February 24, 2013. It had started off like most Sundays in my life, with some awesome worship and teaching. It was one of my favorite Sundays because it's communion and those are always very special sundays in my book. During the sermon, I was prompted to think about my struggle with infertility. I went down for communion, took the bread and the grape juice and went over to my normal spot to get on my knees before the Lord. I think my prayer went something like...I am exhausted God! I have longed for this baby girl for so long that I can't stand the thought of her not being here. My heart is so invested in loving her before I even have known her. God the way you have orchestrated every event has me convinced that Andy and I are walking within your will. God protect my heart, you know that it is fragile. Protect Kadence and let her come in yout perfect timing and let me be okay with that. Be with birth mom (although when I talk to Jesus about her, I use her name-lol) as she prepares for delivery, give her strength and endurance. Protect her and keep her safe during delivery. God I am ready whenever you are ready...thank you for loving me enough to lead me through this journey.
After church, Andy and I had lunch and decided to do some spring cleaning to get more Pro Deo stuff out of our house and make sure they were set up with enough food, toilet paper, etc for when Kadence decided to make her arrival. My game plan was for Andy to work up at Pro Deo and I was going to go to Starbucks and process the "pain of infertility" and offer encouragement for those in the depth of the storm. We were just getting into the car to go to Starbucks when the text message went off that Kadence thought today might be her birthday and that birth mom was at the hospital. I have never been so excited to give up coffee! We headed to the house to drop Jada off, get our stuff, and head to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I made calls to our family, updated facebook, and sat in fear and let the tears well up...this was go time...this was everything I had prepared for and I was ready for the seemingly difficult days ahead. I had dreaded the hospital visit, the awkwardness, the 48 hours of waiting...I had so many unanswered questions like would birth mom change her mind, would she hold her, would I bond with Kadence immediately or would I grow to love her? I didn't say much on the way to the hospital, and when we walked in the hospital staff was quick to get us up to speed and get us to birth moms room. I found myself sitting over in the corner for most of the time, praying through contractions, and trying to get my mind wrapped around what was taking place...there are no words that go with seeing someone go through so much pain, for us, for this little girl, to let God use her to answer our prayers...my mind could not comprehend it all...so I downloaded an app on my phone to track contractions so that I felt like I was "doing" something productive. Then the nursery nurse came in and she was asking a lot of questions and that was when I learned that birth mom's plan was to not see Kadence while in the hospital, that she would be in the nursery the whole time, etc. This was different than I had prepared my mind for so I started wrapping my mind around all of that and was this new game plan would look like. Then it was about 9:15, a couple hours since the nursery nurse had been in, birth mom was getting checked and then getting an epidural and a nurse came and got me and wanted to tell me about a new plan...this plan consisted with us having a second room and as soon as Kadence was born they were to bring her over and her and I would do skin to skin contact and then we would stay in that room for awhile. I was almost brought to tears again as this was not what I had prepared for but was overjoyed with this decision. So we (Andy, myself, birth mom's dad, and step dad) all piled into this room to watch the academy awards. at some point a sonic run was made because they were telling us we could still have several hours. It was during this sonic trip that birth mom felt pressure and it was push time...they started wheeling stuff into her room, and Andy and I went next door to wait for the arrival of our baby girl. Not very long later (like 10:23) in comes a rushing nurse and she has a gooey baby that's crying...I am in AWE...I have seen my fair share of child birthing videos and nothing could have prepared me for the awe that I was in...I know that it was only a few minutes till they put her in my arms...but waiting for that seemed longer than my whole journey through infertility. But then it happened...they gave me this wide eyed baby girl and she just stared at me and I was hooked...Andy was sure to put Pandora on before this all started so the mood was set and I remember a Shawn Mcdonald song came on and the lyrics were, "what would I do if I did not have you"...although it summed up everything I was feeling holding this little human, it was also the song I shared with Holly before she left for Madagascar which made it even more special to me. So the next several hours were spent holding, feeding, and loving on this baby girl! I didn't get any sleep night one as I was just too excited! So in the quietness of our room I kept telling Kadence how much we had prayed for her, how loved she was, and how she had no idea what a miracle she was in my life.
The next day birth mom got discharged from the hospital and before she left asked if she cld come by and see Kadence. At this point I started freaking out...was she changing her mind? There were so many other irrational thoughts going through my mind at this point ( I was highly sleep deprived at this point) but I said yes and she came down and instantly my fears were put to rest as when she walked into the room a wave of peace surrounded me and fell over that room. We followed it up with pics of us all with Kadence, something that I think is very special to us all and will be very special to Kadence when she is older. When birth mom left there was a whole other level of intensity of emotions welling up inside of me (and I suppressed them, just as I had done the day before). The next few days were bliss of holding Kadence, watching netflix, and entertaining company. I did not leave Kadence's side longer than to pee, eat, or take a shower from Sunday night until Wednesday.
Then there was Wednesday night and the practicality of bringing home Kadence the next day hit me and I decided I needed to go home to get things ready so tomorrow would be seamless. To tell the nurse we were leaving for the night and would be back after court was the hardest thing I had said in days or at least it was at that point that all of my emotions caught up with me...and I cried the ugly cry...I could't bare the thought of leaving her there. I couldn't even process the emotions of the what if's...what if it didn't go through, what if this was the last time I would ever see her...so I clung tighter to her and cried harder, and didn't know if I could walk away even if it was for just 12 hours or so. After I mustered up the courage to leave, we got in the car and I cried more, then we went and picked up Jada and I cried more, then we went home and I took a shower and I cried more...I was officially a mess. There were tears of every emotion imaginable in there and so the flood gates just came and came and I finally pulled myself enough together that I could get out of the shower go to Hyvee and eat dinner at fazoli's. That night I fell right to sleep and woke up very early for court the next morning.
There there's court-
They (lawyer, social worker, etc) had told us that it didn't matter how close you were to birth family that the day of court was a hard day for everyone and so they would keep us separated to protect us. I didn't know how I felt about all of that. It seemed cold and very opposite of what our relationship had been prior to that. But I prepared myself for that and walked in the doors. We walked up the steps and into the room and there birth mom and her mom were at the vending machine and I froze, I didn't know what I was supposed to do...was this a talk to, walk away moment, no one had prepared me for this...so I did what only I know how to do and I just ran up to her and gave her a big ole hug! It was so good to not be separated! I felt another wave of peace...so our families joined and met, our lawyers filed in, and so did the social workers...there was lots of small talk about boots, leg warmers, and other random conversations. I think the lawyers and social workers were more in awe of how we interacted...Then they called birth mom in for court and 5 minutes later she was out and it was our turn to go in...
What we were about to go through is something I think every parent should have to do. We stood before a judge and they asked us are you physically, emotionally, and financially ready to bring a child into your life. Are you coming before the court today saying that you wish to be Kadence's mother. There were several other questions that were asked all around this matter and as tears filled the eyes of everyone in the room and as my throat kept getting choked up, the judge made her ruling that Andy and I could go to the hospital and take our baby girl home! After we were done everyone wanted to sit around an chat and talk about how happy they were...not me...I had a one track mind- leave the court house and go and get my baby girl!!! So, that is just what we did! When we arrived at the hospital, the social workers and nurses were waiting in our room for us. They called the dr. over and she signed our discharge papers and just like that we were out of there.
It has now been a week since Kadence has entered the world and I am still beyond words when it comes to describing the little details that God took care of in these days this week, and in the months and years prior to Kadence's birth. All those times I cried out to Him...he heard...All those times I listened to Matthew West's One Less...He heard...it's been a week and listening to worship music is still to raw to do. I still do it, but I am a mess each and every time. My relationship with God and his love for me, our birth mom, and for this little girl is enough to bring me to tears every time. So hear I sit, working on this blog post for almost 7 hours in between feeds, diapers, and cuddles...and I can't be more happy.
Andy and I are smitten in love with our little girl, she is our miracle! She is our everything we have ever wanted and so much more! She is our princess, our diva, the missing piece to our hearts.
Adoption is Love, Adoption is beautiful, Adoption is long, hard, and intense but it is the most amazing thing I have ever been apart of.
Well, I would love to stay in chat, but I think there is a little girl laying next to me that just needs to be held, not because she is crying, not because she is hungry but just because I can...Over and over again while I am rocking her I whisper close to her ear in between kisses...Mommy loves you, mommy prayed for you for so long, I never thought I would ever get to hold you, you are beautiful, I love you, God made you very special, just for me...and over and over again this is what I tell her when we snuggle.
So here we are, living proof that God answers prayers in a BIG way and that dreams really do come true!!!
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