For me this year I think that mother's day is my new christmas. Probably a little exaggerated when you think of the meaning of Christmas but my excitement for mother's day this year is more excitement than I have ever had for a holiday in a long time. I think that because mother's day has been the root of such a huge struggle in my life that there is healing in this day. That this day in my walk with God is the answer to the pain, to every tear I cried along this journey.
At our church they do this thing called "my story". I have often wondered if God would ever call me to tell my story. I often get asked to tell my story in regards to Pro Deo but rarely do people want to know anything more about my walk with God than how it pertains to Pro Deo (probably an untruth it just seems that way sometimes) I often wondered if my story that I get called to share would be about the wait for my husband, my selfesteem through PCOS, the grief of losing a parent at Christmas and then loosing your grandfather the next christmas and wondering if Christmas would ever have joy in it, the aftermath of suicide and how that screws with your walk with God...in my 29 years there has been serious heartache, serious grief, self discovery, and MANY MANY tears. And then I wonder what if God has me share my story about this journey...the journey of becoming a mom. So, in my over the top "let's plan things out" I thought about writing out my story. I will warn you that these are the conversations that prior to having a blog I would have just articulated in the car, while driving alone something that has been very therapeutic over the years.
Let me lay the foundation of me telling my story- It's mother's day and I am standing up giving my story in front of church as part of the worship service and this is how it goes (my rough draft-lol)-
My name is Kylie and this is my story-
I hate mother's day! It's a painful day that has no good purpose except to bring pain to those who are not mothers. Add church to this equation and the pain of mother's day gets worse. Every year since I have gotten married I have attended church on mother's day. Every year I have cried, every year I have gotten angry, and every year it takes everything in me to sit through the service. There is something about God using something painful to bring you closer to him and then there is just down right torture. For me, Mother's day is torture. The first year of my marriage mother's day was painful because I had lost my dad that december and as much as I love my mom doing anything for mother's day was not about my mom it was a reminder of the pain that my dad was gone. I remember getting a text message from my step dad asking me what we were doing for mothers day and me getting SO angry! He couldn't possibly know the pain of his text, I don't think I could ever articulate it. I didn't want to celebrate the love of my amazing mom and be happy, I wanted to be sad and be angry that my dad had been taken from me to early. Then there was year two mother's day approaches, at this point andy and I have been trying to conceive for a year and a half with no luck. Mother's day now is a reminder of what I don't have, what I can't do...I can't make a child. No matter how much I love my husband, how great our marriage is, how much I want a child, and nothing...So we go to church and we reach the part of the service where the pastor calls the little kids up gives them carnations and asks them to pass them out to all of the mother's in the congregation. Great! Now everybody can tell I can't make a baby...but then there was the kids that came to our aisle. One kid reached out to give me a carnation (although I knew I wasn't a mom, I would not turn down his carnation, because it brought me joy that he thought that maybe I could be a mom- or maybe in his little mind a woman equaled a mom- whatever it was he made my heart stop and smile for a second) only to be interrupted by an older kid, a kid that new clearly better how to do their job and said she's not a mom and took the carnation away from the kid. He was right, I wasn't a mom but his words stung. He had no idea how painful his words were and so I walked out of church admiring the seas of carnations and feeling the very real and painful void of not receiving a carnation and the hurtful words of a boy that couldn't have been more than 8 years old. The third year, they talked about mom's that were not our biological moms but our spiritual moms and being a mom to others that didn't have a mom. A woman after church stopped me and said that she couldn't stop thinking about me and how she knew that I was a mom to so many teens in our community that didn't have a mom. Although I feel a very real paternal love for the teens in our community- the fact is at the end of the day they go home to their families, they tend to go back to the mom that hurt them, the mom that told them they weren't good enough, and the mom that never wanted them before...there is still a bond there that all the love that I give them can not take the place of their mom and I usually end up the one getting hurt and ending up alone. Maybe it's my fault for jumping all in and loving these teens with a love that I can't explain and not setting appropriate boundaries and trying to be something to them that I am not but "mothering" in the ministry world has been very painful and I always end up loving my heart out and getting hurt, healing just enough to throw it all in again and again and again. So that mother's day came and went and I took the many text messages I got that year for being "like" a mother to them. It meant so much to me but I still longed for something very different. I longed for a baby that I could call my own, that I could love, teach right from wrong, have play dates with, teach them their abc's, how to read, and finger paint together. As the years past, this struggle, and the pain got deeper and deeper till it became the forefront of everything I prayed for, longed for, thought about, dreamed for...bring on the next year. Mother's day comes around and they decide to do infant baptism on mother's day, it was almost like hallmark planned it themselves, how cute infant baptism on mother's day. They should really put warnings in the bulletin before they pull a stunt like this. I can't make it through infant baptism as it is without crying to then add insult to injury and mix it with mother's day...needless to say that was the breaking point and the next year I vowed I could not do another mother's day and that I would have church on my own at the coffee shop so I didn't have to deal with the pain. So, this is my 6th mother's day and this year I get to celebrate it with my two month old. God has healed the pain, heard the cries...he did not leave me in the desert. He did however use the pain to make the celebration sweeter. He did use the hurt to let the healing begin. He used my tears to make me aware that holidays are sometimes hard, that church sometimes even with the best of intentions adds to the pain, but that HE can hold me, He can change me, and He can heal me. So today, I will probably not make it through service without crying. But today for the first time in many years this day is not about who got a carnation and who didn't, it's not about this label that I have longed to have as "mother" it's about the healing that comes when you lean into God, where you trust him that His timing is best, His love for us is best, and that He is teaching and molding us for His plan and that this mother's day as I worship, singing praises to him and holding my sweet baby girl close, breathing in the sweet smells of baby lotion, admiring all her little flinches and facial expressions...I hold in my arms something God was working on far before it became my struggle, before the pain, and the tears He was planning this day. A day when the years of pain on mothers day are made sweet by the realization that God has crashed into my story, made me whole, and I stand as living proof that God creates miracles still, and he has given me a gift of a beautiful little girl that I can't put into words my gratitude so I will sing, and cry, and hold her...I am trusting today if mother's day is even a smidgen of painful as it has been for me, that you are here today- that God is working, and this is just a dot in the grand scheme of His story for you. Do not loose heart, and let the tears come for He loves you and He is working for you. He has not forgotten you!
I am Kylie and this is my story...
On other news Kadence is doing great- she is getting stronger by the day. She is more alert and so much fun to play with. I have two weeks till I go back to work so a lot of my google searches and pinteresting lately have been about time management with a baby and how to be a wife, mom, and executive director, how to be a police officers wife who's husband works midnights and still make it up for my 8am meetings. I am blessed that 90% of my job I can do with a baby in my arms, and that we have a good support system for days when I need a babysitter. I have missed my other kiddos so much and am so excited to let Kadence grow up in her Pro Deo family. But I will secretly miss the countless hours on the couch watching netflix and my only job being snuggling Miss Kadence. My life has forever changed and I am better because of it! I thank God that he has made a way, and provided along this path for us and that He is in control of our little family :)
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