This morning I walked out of the shower and I could hear giggling coming from down stairs...I peaked around the corner and saw Andy, Jada, and Kadence all piled on to our ottoman. Andy and Kadence where mesmerized by each other and were lost in a conversation of giggles and coos. Jada would break in for kisses here and there and immediately I was filled with love! This is what I have dreamed about since the day I was a little girl...this was better than any make believe house I had played out when I was a little girl. The amount of joy that was in our house over something so small as looking in a mirror and cooing at each other was surreal.
I went in and continued to get ready and tears welled up in my eyes and I immediately felt God's grace pouring over me. Who am I that I would get blessed with this husband who is tender, generous, loving and passionate. God chose a man for me that everyday in living out his life I would be reminded of God's love for me. I love not being able to find my husband and then hear something outside and there he is sitting at the table reading his Bible, or smaller things like when the baby has a wet diaper and as I am getting up he offers to change her so I don't have to do it. It is his constant devotion to our family that blows me away. I am confident that it is God's grace that makes this all possible because Andy and I without Jesus is not a pretty sight, but what Jesus brings to our marriage...what Jesus brings to Andy as a dad and to him as a husband can not be learned by any parenting book or any other conventional learning means. What we have in our family is ONLY by the grace of God, Andy and I cannot take credit for any of it.
I am all too aware that we are the minority in our society in the fact that we have a thriving marriage and family unit. My heart is heavy in longing for others to find what we have found. I long for others to know the beauty of sacrificial love. I long for children to be raised to know that they have parents that love each other and are committed to parent them and their primary role is NOT to be their child's friend. I will cherish the love that Andy and I have found, count our blessings, and lean into raising Kadence to know God's love too...so that she too can experience the beauty of this kind of love from her future husband. (When she is like 55 of course...till then she won't be dating-lol)
Till next time-
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
The fear in LOVE...
Have you ever loved someone? Do you know the vulnerability that comes with TRUE love? I have known love in loving my husband, my family, and some very close friends...I never knew love with a child...with my child.
People always told me that in marriage my love for my husband would grow over time. I knew that to be true but was kind of fearful for Andy because I was crazy in love with him when we got married. But, here we are, 6 years later and my love for Andy is deeper and richer than it ever possibly could have been on our wedding day. I look forward to watching our love continue to grow as we go through life together.
Then bring in Kadence,another love that people described would grow over time. So much of my first few days with Kadence felt like babysitting. Even when we were home it still kind of felt like babysitting. I was in awe of her but I was secretly waiting for one of my teens to come in my front door and say thanks for watching her and take her home. I knew what it was like to babysit, I knew what it was like to love little ones and become very attached to them. I did not know what it felt like for Kadence to not leave after a day, a week, and now 3 months.
I have now gotten to experience her first smile, her first giggle, her first grasp of my finger, her first blow out diaper, her first congested nose, her first time taking antibiotics or children's tylenol, her first and second and third trip to the doctor. We've experienced lots of mishaps with each other as I adapt to being a new mom- like eating pizza and the parmesan cheese falls all over her and she looks like she has been in a snow storm, not having a prepared diaper bag (forgetting wipes or a bottle), my "wobble" as I carry her from place to place as I am sure that a 5 ft 4 woman is not supposed to balance easily with a car seat carrier. Through all of this: our late night feeds, countless trips to target, and our genuine love for each other somewhere along the way we became mother and daughter. Kadence trusts me that when she is in need I will come to her, she snuggles closer into to me than before, and her and I have this connection that if she is fussy I can just hold her close and we get through the fussiness together. Somewhere along the way she became my daughter...
I realized this transition happened this past weekend (I'm confident it happened before then but it has become VERY evident now) when we were celebrating mother's day and I woke up in a panic that someone was coming to take Kadence away from me. Satan's lies were all geared up and ready for the day as he paraded lies like "You're not her REAL mother" "It's not even official yet" "Baby daddy hasn't signed papers" "You're such a fraud" Starting mother's day this way was not how I planned. I was surrounded by deep sadness for our birth mom as I could not imagine the depth or emotions of this day for her. Right as I was praying for our birth mom, I get a text, it's from birth mom and she's wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day. As I started to talk with God I realized that somewhere I made the journey of being Kadence's babysitter and guardian to being Kadence's mother. With adoption there is a 6 month time in the state of Missouri before things become official...we are half way there...but I think when I was in babysitter/guardian mode the thoughts of the what if's did not enter my brain. But here I am now as Kadence's mother and loving her so much that the fears of the what if's are enough to keep me up at night.
As I sit here watching Kadence sleep, I remember back to sitting in the court room. I remember the judge asking, "Kylie are you prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to fight for Kadence if it were to come to that (if baby daddy decided to come back into the picture and fight for his rights)?" Those words today send me in to panic, worry, and fear. My response then was, "No, I'm not prepared but if it were to come to that we would get there" He asked again (I think I was supposed to say yes), "Are you prepared..." I know he wanted me to say yes emotionally I was prepared and could handle to fight for Kadence and potentially loose her. That was a lie! I am and will be ready to fight for Kadence any day of the week as it pertains to paternity, a bully fighting her on the playground, any sort of medical condition, or anything else that might come her way. I have signed up for a lifetime of fighting for her- being her biggest advocate and loving her through all of her lows and highs. I will fight for her...the part I couldn't get on board with was the emotionally prepared if it came to an end...That friends I am not prepared for. There is not enough prayer in the world, not enough books, not enough support, not enough of ANYTHING to prepare me for that. I would be a wreck! I would be worse than a wreck! It would be life shattering, pick Kylie off of the ground, horrible grief and pain for years and years...There are no words for the amount of pain I perceive that would be and that's with me having nothing to compare that magnitude of pain to.
But then just I am being taken aback by the emotion that comes with that fear in that same moment I am reminded about all of the love, fear, prayer, trust, and just falling before Jesus on your knees there is in this adoption. Want to get closer to Jesus? I am confident that starting the adoption process is a sure fire way to get with Jesus...it will rock your world! It more so than anything in my world thus far has reminded me of how little I am. How much NOT in control I am and how I am not God...and yet we keep moving forward. God has hand picked this child for me, there is no court document that could articulate it differently (and that's probably what scares me deep down more because I know the court system is broken and is not Jesus)...
This Sunday is Kadence's dedication! Andy and I along with our friends and family will stand before our church and commit to raising Kadence in a godly home. We will raise her to love Jesus! Part of that teaching her to love Jesus is Andy and I radically abandoning our own fears and leaning in to Jesus. He brought us this far and we are trusting Him to complete this good and perfect work in us and that He has a plan for Kadence and her future and that He will lovingly protect her through all of the legal/paperwork side of adoption. We are choosing to trust Jesus with our hearts and our fears...
Just as I love Andy more and more each day as I see him grow in his love for Jesus, others, our community, Kadence and myself...my love for Kadence grows more and more each day as I am filled with this love that I can not describe...it's a fighter kind of a love, it's a reckless kind of a love, it's an unconditional type of love, it's a warm fuzzy kind of love, it's a love that I truly believe there are no words for...it's a mother's love
People always told me that in marriage my love for my husband would grow over time. I knew that to be true but was kind of fearful for Andy because I was crazy in love with him when we got married. But, here we are, 6 years later and my love for Andy is deeper and richer than it ever possibly could have been on our wedding day. I look forward to watching our love continue to grow as we go through life together.
Then bring in Kadence,another love that people described would grow over time. So much of my first few days with Kadence felt like babysitting. Even when we were home it still kind of felt like babysitting. I was in awe of her but I was secretly waiting for one of my teens to come in my front door and say thanks for watching her and take her home. I knew what it was like to babysit, I knew what it was like to love little ones and become very attached to them. I did not know what it felt like for Kadence to not leave after a day, a week, and now 3 months.
I have now gotten to experience her first smile, her first giggle, her first grasp of my finger, her first blow out diaper, her first congested nose, her first time taking antibiotics or children's tylenol, her first and second and third trip to the doctor. We've experienced lots of mishaps with each other as I adapt to being a new mom- like eating pizza and the parmesan cheese falls all over her and she looks like she has been in a snow storm, not having a prepared diaper bag (forgetting wipes or a bottle), my "wobble" as I carry her from place to place as I am sure that a 5 ft 4 woman is not supposed to balance easily with a car seat carrier. Through all of this: our late night feeds, countless trips to target, and our genuine love for each other somewhere along the way we became mother and daughter. Kadence trusts me that when she is in need I will come to her, she snuggles closer into to me than before, and her and I have this connection that if she is fussy I can just hold her close and we get through the fussiness together. Somewhere along the way she became my daughter...
I realized this transition happened this past weekend (I'm confident it happened before then but it has become VERY evident now) when we were celebrating mother's day and I woke up in a panic that someone was coming to take Kadence away from me. Satan's lies were all geared up and ready for the day as he paraded lies like "You're not her REAL mother" "It's not even official yet" "Baby daddy hasn't signed papers" "You're such a fraud" Starting mother's day this way was not how I planned. I was surrounded by deep sadness for our birth mom as I could not imagine the depth or emotions of this day for her. Right as I was praying for our birth mom, I get a text, it's from birth mom and she's wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day. As I started to talk with God I realized that somewhere I made the journey of being Kadence's babysitter and guardian to being Kadence's mother. With adoption there is a 6 month time in the state of Missouri before things become official...we are half way there...but I think when I was in babysitter/guardian mode the thoughts of the what if's did not enter my brain. But here I am now as Kadence's mother and loving her so much that the fears of the what if's are enough to keep me up at night.
As I sit here watching Kadence sleep, I remember back to sitting in the court room. I remember the judge asking, "Kylie are you prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to fight for Kadence if it were to come to that (if baby daddy decided to come back into the picture and fight for his rights)?" Those words today send me in to panic, worry, and fear. My response then was, "No, I'm not prepared but if it were to come to that we would get there" He asked again (I think I was supposed to say yes), "Are you prepared..." I know he wanted me to say yes emotionally I was prepared and could handle to fight for Kadence and potentially loose her. That was a lie! I am and will be ready to fight for Kadence any day of the week as it pertains to paternity, a bully fighting her on the playground, any sort of medical condition, or anything else that might come her way. I have signed up for a lifetime of fighting for her- being her biggest advocate and loving her through all of her lows and highs. I will fight for her...the part I couldn't get on board with was the emotionally prepared if it came to an end...That friends I am not prepared for. There is not enough prayer in the world, not enough books, not enough support, not enough of ANYTHING to prepare me for that. I would be a wreck! I would be worse than a wreck! It would be life shattering, pick Kylie off of the ground, horrible grief and pain for years and years...There are no words for the amount of pain I perceive that would be and that's with me having nothing to compare that magnitude of pain to.
But then just I am being taken aback by the emotion that comes with that fear in that same moment I am reminded about all of the love, fear, prayer, trust, and just falling before Jesus on your knees there is in this adoption. Want to get closer to Jesus? I am confident that starting the adoption process is a sure fire way to get with Jesus...it will rock your world! It more so than anything in my world thus far has reminded me of how little I am. How much NOT in control I am and how I am not God...and yet we keep moving forward. God has hand picked this child for me, there is no court document that could articulate it differently (and that's probably what scares me deep down more because I know the court system is broken and is not Jesus)...
This Sunday is Kadence's dedication! Andy and I along with our friends and family will stand before our church and commit to raising Kadence in a godly home. We will raise her to love Jesus! Part of that teaching her to love Jesus is Andy and I radically abandoning our own fears and leaning in to Jesus. He brought us this far and we are trusting Him to complete this good and perfect work in us and that He has a plan for Kadence and her future and that He will lovingly protect her through all of the legal/paperwork side of adoption. We are choosing to trust Jesus with our hearts and our fears...
Just as I love Andy more and more each day as I see him grow in his love for Jesus, others, our community, Kadence and myself...my love for Kadence grows more and more each day as I am filled with this love that I can not describe...it's a fighter kind of a love, it's a reckless kind of a love, it's an unconditional type of love, it's a warm fuzzy kind of love, it's a love that I truly believe there are no words for...it's a mother's love
Friday, May 10, 2013
The balanced mother?
I think I made a mistake when I took maternity leave (I mean this highly sarcastically but there is probably a thin line of truth in there). When I was on maternity leave there was time for family, cooking, cleaning...I had meals on the table, laundry done, and slept well, experienced little to no stress, had so much time for visitors and friends...it was a simple life. I was missing my teens at work desperately but my life I was experiencing was not something I could relate to. I enjoyed it, it was just surreal...fast-forward to this week where I am struggling to wonder if balance will ever be restored to my life.
I will preface this train of thought (minor rant) with telling you that I have had a rough week and that much of this paragraph will feel like complaining. I think it is healthy so that you can see that I am very normal: Every ounce of my life this week has felt planned, rushed, out of control, and many people have been in bad moods periodically through this week (including myself). Most of the things I normally really enjoy doing, this week I have not enjoyed them. My house currently looks like a tornado attacked the laundry and then heaped it in my bedroom, I have dishes stacked, and I am pretty sure yesterday when Jada picked something off the floor what she got instead was a dust bunny. There are finally groceries in the fridge (a huge undertaking in of itself), now if there was just someone to make it into a meal. Add on top of all of this- it's the week that Andy works lots of days (every other week on 12's is hell and the opposite week is SUPER). Then add on top the phone calls and texts of this person wanting to see you and that person needing this and wanting that...Then add on top of that graduation parties, weddings, and mother's day this week....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to torch the laundry, throw away all of the dishes, go out to eat- and then lock my husband, my puppy, and my beautiful baby girl up in a place that doesn't get dirty and we can just sit around, laugh, play, and snuggle. I was talking to someone and ranting about my week and they said motherhood is hard and I was like...ummm what part of that was complaining about motherhood...all the things I am complaining about existed pre-Kadence. She is the only thing that makes long weeks fun, de-stresses me, and brings me back to my happy place. The problem is prior to Kadence I didn't realize how fun NOT doing all of the other things in life was. Laundry is REALLY LAME in comparison to rocking a smiley baby girl and talking to her about her amazing daddy.
So what do I do? How do I restore balance to my life so I don't set fire to my house or snap at the next person that wants to hang out with me? More importantly how do I set up a life that creates balance so that as Kadence grows up she understands and values the importance of a healthy balance in life. I believe that as a young woman she will need to learn what it means to be a mom and a wife and in my heart I think that is SO much more than household chores and responsibilities. So, like every good problem that needs fixing I went to pinterest. I have looked up things like "life balance plan", "cleaning schedules", "meal plans"...blah,blah,blah...but I am convinced that the women that have time to make their cleaning schedule pretty, make a printable for it, and then upload it to pinterest are not my same kind of women. One of the ones I saw this morning was a monthly calendar and then at the bottom she had weekly, monthly and daily tasks. Her Daily tasks had 15 things on it, and then the weekly tasks 32 things, and then the monthly another 15 things to do. She has assigned all of them a numerical value and then in every day of the week in the monthly calendar where the numbers associated...so like on May 10th there was numbers 1,4,6,8,9,5,3,12 of and her daily tasks and immediately my reaction was RIGHT!!!!THERE IS NO WAY!!!! I would just be grateful if I got her "daily tasks" done once a week.
There has got to be a better way, a way that doesn't bring about guilt when something on the list doesn't get done. A way that gives grace when you are 3 days in and still no hot meal on the table. I think deep down I am even angry that there is a to do list at all...I don't want Kadence to grow up in a family that's driven by a to do list or the calendar...and so I leave pinterest and go to God's word arguably where I should have been all along and I sit in His grace. I know that my worth and His love for me is not defined by how many meals I made, e-mails I returned, loads of laundry I did. He has called me to love Him, my husband, my daughter, and those less fortunate than me. So instead of checking off the to do list, I find my self reflecting How well did I love Jesus this week? How did I show Andy love this week? How did I love Kadence this week? How did I love my friends at Pro Deo this week?
There has go to be a fine line between "pinterest mommy perfection" and "world's ultimate hoarder" and I think I am getting there...I am a mommy that loves Jesus, her family, her community and will strive each day to love them more. I'm secretly hoping that out of my intense love for those things that Jesus will give me more hours in the day and send me a whole host of kids so that we can divide and conquer the long list of chores on pinterest mommy's list- hahahaha.
Till then, here's me leaning into living out Love and wrapping grace all around me and breathing...here's to not being all things to all people and the freedom that comes with that!
Till next time...
I will preface this train of thought (minor rant) with telling you that I have had a rough week and that much of this paragraph will feel like complaining. I think it is healthy so that you can see that I am very normal: Every ounce of my life this week has felt planned, rushed, out of control, and many people have been in bad moods periodically through this week (including myself). Most of the things I normally really enjoy doing, this week I have not enjoyed them. My house currently looks like a tornado attacked the laundry and then heaped it in my bedroom, I have dishes stacked, and I am pretty sure yesterday when Jada picked something off the floor what she got instead was a dust bunny. There are finally groceries in the fridge (a huge undertaking in of itself), now if there was just someone to make it into a meal. Add on top of all of this- it's the week that Andy works lots of days (every other week on 12's is hell and the opposite week is SUPER). Then add on top the phone calls and texts of this person wanting to see you and that person needing this and wanting that...Then add on top of that graduation parties, weddings, and mother's day this week....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to torch the laundry, throw away all of the dishes, go out to eat- and then lock my husband, my puppy, and my beautiful baby girl up in a place that doesn't get dirty and we can just sit around, laugh, play, and snuggle. I was talking to someone and ranting about my week and they said motherhood is hard and I was like...ummm what part of that was complaining about motherhood...all the things I am complaining about existed pre-Kadence. She is the only thing that makes long weeks fun, de-stresses me, and brings me back to my happy place. The problem is prior to Kadence I didn't realize how fun NOT doing all of the other things in life was. Laundry is REALLY LAME in comparison to rocking a smiley baby girl and talking to her about her amazing daddy.
So what do I do? How do I restore balance to my life so I don't set fire to my house or snap at the next person that wants to hang out with me? More importantly how do I set up a life that creates balance so that as Kadence grows up she understands and values the importance of a healthy balance in life. I believe that as a young woman she will need to learn what it means to be a mom and a wife and in my heart I think that is SO much more than household chores and responsibilities. So, like every good problem that needs fixing I went to pinterest. I have looked up things like "life balance plan", "cleaning schedules", "meal plans"...blah,blah,blah...but I am convinced that the women that have time to make their cleaning schedule pretty, make a printable for it, and then upload it to pinterest are not my same kind of women. One of the ones I saw this morning was a monthly calendar and then at the bottom she had weekly, monthly and daily tasks. Her Daily tasks had 15 things on it, and then the weekly tasks 32 things, and then the monthly another 15 things to do. She has assigned all of them a numerical value and then in every day of the week in the monthly calendar where the numbers associated...so like on May 10th there was numbers 1,4,6,8,9,5,3,12 of and her daily tasks and immediately my reaction was RIGHT!!!!THERE IS NO WAY!!!! I would just be grateful if I got her "daily tasks" done once a week.
There has got to be a better way, a way that doesn't bring about guilt when something on the list doesn't get done. A way that gives grace when you are 3 days in and still no hot meal on the table. I think deep down I am even angry that there is a to do list at all...I don't want Kadence to grow up in a family that's driven by a to do list or the calendar...and so I leave pinterest and go to God's word arguably where I should have been all along and I sit in His grace. I know that my worth and His love for me is not defined by how many meals I made, e-mails I returned, loads of laundry I did. He has called me to love Him, my husband, my daughter, and those less fortunate than me. So instead of checking off the to do list, I find my self reflecting How well did I love Jesus this week? How did I show Andy love this week? How did I love Kadence this week? How did I love my friends at Pro Deo this week?
There has go to be a fine line between "pinterest mommy perfection" and "world's ultimate hoarder" and I think I am getting there...I am a mommy that loves Jesus, her family, her community and will strive each day to love them more. I'm secretly hoping that out of my intense love for those things that Jesus will give me more hours in the day and send me a whole host of kids so that we can divide and conquer the long list of chores on pinterest mommy's list- hahahaha.
Till then, here's me leaning into living out Love and wrapping grace all around me and breathing...here's to not being all things to all people and the freedom that comes with that!
Till next time...
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