I think I made a mistake when I took maternity leave (I mean this highly sarcastically but there is probably a thin line of truth in there). When I was on maternity leave there was time for family, cooking, cleaning...I had meals on the table, laundry done, and slept well, experienced little to no stress, had so much time for visitors and friends...it was a simple life. I was missing my teens at work desperately but my life I was experiencing was not something I could relate to. I enjoyed it, it was just surreal...fast-forward to this week where I am struggling to wonder if balance will ever be restored to my life.
I will preface this train of thought (minor rant) with telling you that I have had a rough week and that much of this paragraph will feel like complaining. I think it is healthy so that you can see that I am very normal: Every ounce of my life this week has felt planned, rushed, out of control, and many people have been in bad moods periodically through this week (including myself). Most of the things I normally really enjoy doing, this week I have not enjoyed them. My house currently looks like a tornado attacked the laundry and then heaped it in my bedroom, I have dishes stacked, and I am pretty sure yesterday when Jada picked something off the floor what she got instead was a dust bunny. There are finally groceries in the fridge (a huge undertaking in of itself), now if there was just someone to make it into a meal. Add on top of all of this- it's the week that Andy works lots of days (every other week on 12's is hell and the opposite week is SUPER). Then add on top the phone calls and texts of this person wanting to see you and that person needing this and wanting that...Then add on top of that graduation parties, weddings, and mother's day this week....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to torch the laundry, throw away all of the dishes, go out to eat- and then lock my husband, my puppy, and my beautiful baby girl up in a place that doesn't get dirty and we can just sit around, laugh, play, and snuggle. I was talking to someone and ranting about my week and they said motherhood is hard and I was like...ummm what part of that was complaining about motherhood...all the things I am complaining about existed pre-Kadence. She is the only thing that makes long weeks fun, de-stresses me, and brings me back to my happy place. The problem is prior to Kadence I didn't realize how fun NOT doing all of the other things in life was. Laundry is REALLY LAME in comparison to rocking a smiley baby girl and talking to her about her amazing daddy.
So what do I do? How do I restore balance to my life so I don't set fire to my house or snap at the next person that wants to hang out with me? More importantly how do I set up a life that creates balance so that as Kadence grows up she understands and values the importance of a healthy balance in life. I believe that as a young woman she will need to learn what it means to be a mom and a wife and in my heart I think that is SO much more than household chores and responsibilities. So, like every good problem that needs fixing I went to pinterest. I have looked up things like "life balance plan", "cleaning schedules", "meal plans"...blah,blah,blah...but I am convinced that the women that have time to make their cleaning schedule pretty, make a printable for it, and then upload it to pinterest are not my same kind of women. One of the ones I saw this morning was a monthly calendar and then at the bottom she had weekly, monthly and daily tasks. Her Daily tasks had 15 things on it, and then the weekly tasks 32 things, and then the monthly another 15 things to do. She has assigned all of them a numerical value and then in every day of the week in the monthly calendar where the numbers associated...so like on May 10th there was numbers 1,4,6,8,9,5,3,12 of and her daily tasks and immediately my reaction was RIGHT!!!!THERE IS NO WAY!!!! I would just be grateful if I got her "daily tasks" done once a week.
There has got to be a better way, a way that doesn't bring about guilt when something on the list doesn't get done. A way that gives grace when you are 3 days in and still no hot meal on the table. I think deep down I am even angry that there is a to do list at all...I don't want Kadence to grow up in a family that's driven by a to do list or the calendar...and so I leave pinterest and go to God's word arguably where I should have been all along and I sit in His grace. I know that my worth and His love for me is not defined by how many meals I made, e-mails I returned, loads of laundry I did. He has called me to love Him, my husband, my daughter, and those less fortunate than me. So instead of checking off the to do list, I find my self reflecting How well did I love Jesus this week? How did I show Andy love this week? How did I love Kadence this week? How did I love my friends at Pro Deo this week?
There has go to be a fine line between "pinterest mommy perfection" and "world's ultimate hoarder" and I think I am getting there...I am a mommy that loves Jesus, her family, her community and will strive each day to love them more. I'm secretly hoping that out of my intense love for those things that Jesus will give me more hours in the day and send me a whole host of kids so that we can divide and conquer the long list of chores on pinterest mommy's list- hahahaha.
Till then, here's me leaning into living out Love and wrapping grace all around me and breathing...here's to not being all things to all people and the freedom that comes with that!
Till next time...
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