Kadence is growing leaps and bounds! She is full of life and fully aware that she can move and do somethings on her own. With this awareness has come a discontentedness when she CAN'T be mobile or when she can't get something to work, move, or operate in a way she thinks it should. She also has decided that going down for a nap is not nearly as exciting as it is to play. I as her mother can see the full day ahead and I see when she needs to rest so that she can play later. I see that she need to eat now so she's not hungry later. I move her from her path to protect her from dangers she can not see constantly while she is on the move. Some of my assistance comes very welcomed by her and she is full of smiles and ready for what I have planned. Other interruptions or assistance I offer her is not welcomed change and she likes to vocalize when this is the case.
This morning I was putting Kadence down for a nap before church and I knew that she was not going to be happy with this decision but knew that if she slept before church she would have more fun playing at church. And sure enough as I put her down the tears came and not even the pacifier could console her outrage that this was the course I had chosen for her and I was not budging. At one point I was thinking if she could only see what I can see. If she could only see that this is really in her best interest, that I am putting her down for a nap to set her up for success and because I know more about how her little body operates and what she needs more than she does...and then I stopped...as much as I was having this discussion in my head about how much easier this nap would be if Kadence would just trust me...it hit me...
I act towards God just the way Kadence acts towards me. I think many times I have my life figured out and what my desires are and the course my life should be on and then anytime God picks me up and changes my course, or slows me down because I need rest, or shows up in the countless other ways that He does...I find myself often responding in the way Kadence does: Happy when I agree with His decision and tears/outrage when I don't.
I was thinking this the other day when I was talking to a friend about her pregnancy journey. I find myself in this time of my life that every person I know (friend, acquaintance, or random stranger at the grocery store) is pregnant. Most of my close friends are pregnant and I truth be told could not be happier. I was texting a friend that we had just received the news they were expecting and she replied Oh, Kylie I have prayed that this would not be painful for you. In response (I know she couldn't tell if it was true-but it very much was) I said I was content in my journey and that God had healed those very deep wounds. Countless days I prayed to God to be pregnant, many tears and outrage over the fact that it wasn't and couldn't happen. There were days when I wanted to throw a temper-tantrum (ones I hear are coming in my walk with Kadence but I have not witnessed yet). There were days when I wanted to tell Him to trust ME I knew what was best for ME! But he was silent and ever so gently moving me around on my journey...growing me, changing me, molding me, loving me and knowing what I needed and when I needed it and how I needed it. He knew my hearts desire was to be a mom and He never desired to NOT give me my hearts desire (something that took me a long time to realize). He never was sitting up on some huge cloud and in the deepest creepiest laugh did He ever say bahahahaha look at that pain you are experiencing because you want this so bad and have no desire to wait on my timing baahahahahah go ahead and cry you little girl! He never was "holding out" on me! But just in HIS right timing, with HIS perfect ways...HE knew what I needed. HE knew when I was ready, when my marriage was ready, when my walk with Him was ready, He knew when the healing had reached a point where I could be an effective and loving mom. He knew all the intricate details that needed to take place and be a part of the story so that at no point in this journey could I ever take pride in knowing that I did this. In no part of my journey can I give myself glory or credit. It ALL goes to Him.
I now on the other side of this journey have much the realization that Kadence will have when we go to grandma's today. He did what He did and I walked through what I did out of Love He had for me. Kadence is napping right now because of my love I have for her and knowing that sleep is what she needs most to have the best day for her she can have. Just like God knew that I needed to walk through the things I did and when I did to be the best mom, wife, and follower of Him I could be.
These things we do are out of love and I don't think I realized how parallel my relationship with Kadence is much life my own relationship with God and I am constantly learning things from both of them that mold me into a better human.
I know that Kadence's journey with a nap verses play time seems a silly comparison to my journey through infertility, pregnancy, and adoption but in each of our lives for that period of our life it was a big deal :)
Feeling blessed to watch God unfolding His plan in my life and I am raking in the blessings as I wait on Him. Feeling blessed to have healing in wounds that I never thought would get healed. Feeling the peace and rest on the other side of the mountain after the long walk up the mountain, the wrestling and temper-tantrums that unfolded and the years and years of unanswered prayers all unfolding in this season of my life, with unimaginable healing, for such a time as this. I breathe in, breathe out and acknowledge in my life, He knows better!
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
Christmas in October?
If anyone knows me and knows my story they know that I HATE CHRISTMAS! About October my anxiety goes through the roof and I start freaking out about Christmas. The closer it gets the more emotions, paranoia, and crazy I become...
On Dec 23, 2007 a mere 6 months after my dad walked me down the aisle my dad passed away and lost his battle with cancer. I don't like to talk about it much, it's grief and it is hard. This will be year six and although it might seem easier the pain is still very much there, I would do anything in the world to get another Christmas with my dad! Fast forward to the next year and it was about this time of year that my grandfather got sick, was admitted into the hospital, and seven weeks later also passed away. Grandpa passed away on December 9th, 2008. Two years of despair, grief, anger, doubt, questions...I was mad at God and confident that no good would come of Christmas anymore. The next year I sat on pins and needles awaiting for the call that someone I loved was dying. I worried everyday Andy went to work, fearing it would be his last. I was confident God was out to take everyone and everything away from me that I loved. My dad and my grandpa were so important to me and I wasn't sure how to go on. That next Christmas started my "Pro Deo christmas gifts from Jesus" as I fondly call them because for the next three years I was blessed with teenagers that needed homes during the holidays so I got the chance to push my grief under the rug while I took care of people that needed my attention and took the attention away from all the pain of Christmas...but every year it found its way back in and I felt like the plauge of Christmas would never leave. I hated singing Joy to the world, I hated being with family and friends, I hated everything that Christmas was and all the excitement that led up to it. I cried all the weeks of advent for all those years in pain, all that anger, and the feeling that life was not fair...
Then there was last year at Christmas and right before Advent we got that call about Kadence (although we didn't name her till the week of love in advent) and every week I found myself crying through church as we prepared at church to welcome a gift and at home we were doing the exact same thing. I was use to crying in church during Advent, I was not use to experiencing God's healing as advent continued to unfold. While there was the preparation of baby Jesus at church we were working like elves at our home trying to transform our home from a youth center to a loving home for a baby girl...a transformation that was NOT a small undertaking! From the paint and primer to the hopes and dreams of what was to come and all of the paper work, lots and lots of paper work...somewhere between the passages of scripture, the quietness of the christmas lights, the tastiness of christmas treats, and the countless tears that ran down my face through worship, at starbucks, and at any other random place they decided to fall something miraculous happened...Jesus healed my wounds, he healed the pain of Christmas, He healed the fear of the loving others, He healed the anger of people I love being ripped away from me, He took this grinch and turned my heart into a girl that tonight just watched a tv show on netflix that was during Christmas and got goose bumps when there were Christmas Carolers and I smiled. This year I have found myself over looking fall (although it has been really fun too) and focused on Advent which starts a week after court finalization in our home. I know Kadence is too little for most of the activities that we will do and won't remember most of or even all of what we do but this year we celebrate Christmas out of healing, out of celebrating where we have come from...not running from the pain or grief but embracing they journey that led us to celebration. We embrace that Jesus was not finished with our story...He loved me enough to sit with me in my pain, take all of my anger and love me still. He loved me enough to send me a gift, of a child at the perfect time, in a perfect season and he would use that little girl to bless me and bless my family. He would use that little girl to heal some very deep wounds, to answer some of my biggest doubts, and to show off how intricate and lavish his plans were for me and my family.
This year I find myself in October wanting to start making crafts for December. I find myself wanting to tell Kadence all about Christmas and the things that she will get to experience. I find myself telling her about the love that her grandpa and great grandpa had for her before even knowing her. I find myself telling her about this amazing God that we have, that knows me and knows my story and knows her and knows her story and knew that we needed each other for such a time as this. I find myself breathing as October is in full swing...not with anxiety...but with a breath of fresh crisp air...God is a healing God and He is not done.
It would have been easy to give up on God when I was in the midst of my grief, anger, and bitterness...it would have been easy to walk away and not look back. It would have been easy to turn to alcohol, drugs, or whatever coping mechanism I could find...but I didn't...I kept pushing forward- seeking Him and being honest with my emotions (as fun as that was) and my struggle and somewhere between that very VERY dark place and the excitement I am living in this year I have found God's goodness. I have found the truth in the Ephesians verse about God doing more than we could ask or imagine and completing the good work He has started in me. I in no way, shape, or form think that God is done with me and my journey with Christmas...I am just grateful that on October 7th of 2013 I can be thankful, embrace God's grace, love and look forward to the month of December.
On Dec 23, 2007 a mere 6 months after my dad walked me down the aisle my dad passed away and lost his battle with cancer. I don't like to talk about it much, it's grief and it is hard. This will be year six and although it might seem easier the pain is still very much there, I would do anything in the world to get another Christmas with my dad! Fast forward to the next year and it was about this time of year that my grandfather got sick, was admitted into the hospital, and seven weeks later also passed away. Grandpa passed away on December 9th, 2008. Two years of despair, grief, anger, doubt, questions...I was mad at God and confident that no good would come of Christmas anymore. The next year I sat on pins and needles awaiting for the call that someone I loved was dying. I worried everyday Andy went to work, fearing it would be his last. I was confident God was out to take everyone and everything away from me that I loved. My dad and my grandpa were so important to me and I wasn't sure how to go on. That next Christmas started my "Pro Deo christmas gifts from Jesus" as I fondly call them because for the next three years I was blessed with teenagers that needed homes during the holidays so I got the chance to push my grief under the rug while I took care of people that needed my attention and took the attention away from all the pain of Christmas...but every year it found its way back in and I felt like the plauge of Christmas would never leave. I hated singing Joy to the world, I hated being with family and friends, I hated everything that Christmas was and all the excitement that led up to it. I cried all the weeks of advent for all those years in pain, all that anger, and the feeling that life was not fair...
Then there was last year at Christmas and right before Advent we got that call about Kadence (although we didn't name her till the week of love in advent) and every week I found myself crying through church as we prepared at church to welcome a gift and at home we were doing the exact same thing. I was use to crying in church during Advent, I was not use to experiencing God's healing as advent continued to unfold. While there was the preparation of baby Jesus at church we were working like elves at our home trying to transform our home from a youth center to a loving home for a baby girl...a transformation that was NOT a small undertaking! From the paint and primer to the hopes and dreams of what was to come and all of the paper work, lots and lots of paper work...somewhere between the passages of scripture, the quietness of the christmas lights, the tastiness of christmas treats, and the countless tears that ran down my face through worship, at starbucks, and at any other random place they decided to fall something miraculous happened...Jesus healed my wounds, he healed the pain of Christmas, He healed the fear of the loving others, He healed the anger of people I love being ripped away from me, He took this grinch and turned my heart into a girl that tonight just watched a tv show on netflix that was during Christmas and got goose bumps when there were Christmas Carolers and I smiled. This year I have found myself over looking fall (although it has been really fun too) and focused on Advent which starts a week after court finalization in our home. I know Kadence is too little for most of the activities that we will do and won't remember most of or even all of what we do but this year we celebrate Christmas out of healing, out of celebrating where we have come from...not running from the pain or grief but embracing they journey that led us to celebration. We embrace that Jesus was not finished with our story...He loved me enough to sit with me in my pain, take all of my anger and love me still. He loved me enough to send me a gift, of a child at the perfect time, in a perfect season and he would use that little girl to bless me and bless my family. He would use that little girl to heal some very deep wounds, to answer some of my biggest doubts, and to show off how intricate and lavish his plans were for me and my family.
This year I find myself in October wanting to start making crafts for December. I find myself wanting to tell Kadence all about Christmas and the things that she will get to experience. I find myself telling her about the love that her grandpa and great grandpa had for her before even knowing her. I find myself telling her about this amazing God that we have, that knows me and knows my story and knows her and knows her story and knew that we needed each other for such a time as this. I find myself breathing as October is in full swing...not with anxiety...but with a breath of fresh crisp air...God is a healing God and He is not done.
It would have been easy to give up on God when I was in the midst of my grief, anger, and bitterness...it would have been easy to walk away and not look back. It would have been easy to turn to alcohol, drugs, or whatever coping mechanism I could find...but I didn't...I kept pushing forward- seeking Him and being honest with my emotions (as fun as that was) and my struggle and somewhere between that very VERY dark place and the excitement I am living in this year I have found God's goodness. I have found the truth in the Ephesians verse about God doing more than we could ask or imagine and completing the good work He has started in me. I in no way, shape, or form think that God is done with me and my journey with Christmas...I am just grateful that on October 7th of 2013 I can be thankful, embrace God's grace, love and look forward to the month of December.
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