Kadence is growing leaps and bounds! She is full of life and fully aware that she can move and do somethings on her own. With this awareness has come a discontentedness when she CAN'T be mobile or when she can't get something to work, move, or operate in a way she thinks it should. She also has decided that going down for a nap is not nearly as exciting as it is to play. I as her mother can see the full day ahead and I see when she needs to rest so that she can play later. I see that she need to eat now so she's not hungry later. I move her from her path to protect her from dangers she can not see constantly while she is on the move. Some of my assistance comes very welcomed by her and she is full of smiles and ready for what I have planned. Other interruptions or assistance I offer her is not welcomed change and she likes to vocalize when this is the case.
This morning I was putting Kadence down for a nap before church and I knew that she was not going to be happy with this decision but knew that if she slept before church she would have more fun playing at church. And sure enough as I put her down the tears came and not even the pacifier could console her outrage that this was the course I had chosen for her and I was not budging. At one point I was thinking if she could only see what I can see. If she could only see that this is really in her best interest, that I am putting her down for a nap to set her up for success and because I know more about how her little body operates and what she needs more than she does...and then I stopped...as much as I was having this discussion in my head about how much easier this nap would be if Kadence would just trust me...it hit me...
I act towards God just the way Kadence acts towards me. I think many times I have my life figured out and what my desires are and the course my life should be on and then anytime God picks me up and changes my course, or slows me down because I need rest, or shows up in the countless other ways that He does...I find myself often responding in the way Kadence does: Happy when I agree with His decision and tears/outrage when I don't.
I was thinking this the other day when I was talking to a friend about her pregnancy journey. I find myself in this time of my life that every person I know (friend, acquaintance, or random stranger at the grocery store) is pregnant. Most of my close friends are pregnant and I truth be told could not be happier. I was texting a friend that we had just received the news they were expecting and she replied Oh, Kylie I have prayed that this would not be painful for you. In response (I know she couldn't tell if it was true-but it very much was) I said I was content in my journey and that God had healed those very deep wounds. Countless days I prayed to God to be pregnant, many tears and outrage over the fact that it wasn't and couldn't happen. There were days when I wanted to throw a temper-tantrum (ones I hear are coming in my walk with Kadence but I have not witnessed yet). There were days when I wanted to tell Him to trust ME I knew what was best for ME! But he was silent and ever so gently moving me around on my journey...growing me, changing me, molding me, loving me and knowing what I needed and when I needed it and how I needed it. He knew my hearts desire was to be a mom and He never desired to NOT give me my hearts desire (something that took me a long time to realize). He never was sitting up on some huge cloud and in the deepest creepiest laugh did He ever say bahahahaha look at that pain you are experiencing because you want this so bad and have no desire to wait on my timing baahahahahah go ahead and cry you little girl! He never was "holding out" on me! But just in HIS right timing, with HIS perfect ways...HE knew what I needed. HE knew when I was ready, when my marriage was ready, when my walk with Him was ready, He knew when the healing had reached a point where I could be an effective and loving mom. He knew all the intricate details that needed to take place and be a part of the story so that at no point in this journey could I ever take pride in knowing that I did this. In no part of my journey can I give myself glory or credit. It ALL goes to Him.
I now on the other side of this journey have much the realization that Kadence will have when we go to grandma's today. He did what He did and I walked through what I did out of Love He had for me. Kadence is napping right now because of my love I have for her and knowing that sleep is what she needs most to have the best day for her she can have. Just like God knew that I needed to walk through the things I did and when I did to be the best mom, wife, and follower of Him I could be.
These things we do are out of love and I don't think I realized how parallel my relationship with Kadence is much life my own relationship with God and I am constantly learning things from both of them that mold me into a better human.
I know that Kadence's journey with a nap verses play time seems a silly comparison to my journey through infertility, pregnancy, and adoption but in each of our lives for that period of our life it was a big deal :)
Feeling blessed to watch God unfolding His plan in my life and I am raking in the blessings as I wait on Him. Feeling blessed to have healing in wounds that I never thought would get healed. Feeling the peace and rest on the other side of the mountain after the long walk up the mountain, the wrestling and temper-tantrums that unfolded and the years and years of unanswered prayers all unfolding in this season of my life, with unimaginable healing, for such a time as this. I breathe in, breathe out and acknowledge in my life, He knows better!
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