Christmas in October?

If anyone knows me and knows my story they know that I HATE CHRISTMAS! About October my anxiety goes through the roof and I start freaking out about Christmas. The closer it gets the more emotions, paranoia, and crazy I become...

On Dec 23, 2007 a mere 6 months after my dad walked me down the aisle my dad passed away and lost his battle with cancer. I don't like to talk about it much, it's grief and it is hard. This will be year six and although it might seem easier the pain is still very much there, I would do anything in the world to get another Christmas with my dad! Fast forward to the next year and it was about this time of year that my grandfather got sick, was admitted into the hospital, and seven weeks later also passed away. Grandpa passed away on December 9th, 2008. Two years of despair, grief, anger, doubt, questions...I was mad at God and confident that no good would come of Christmas anymore. The next year I sat on pins and needles awaiting for the call that someone I loved was dying. I worried everyday Andy went to work, fearing it would be his last. I was confident God was out to take everyone and everything away from me that I loved. My dad and my grandpa were so important to me and I wasn't sure how to go on. That next Christmas started my "Pro Deo christmas gifts from Jesus" as I fondly call them because for the next three years I was blessed with teenagers that needed homes during the holidays so I got the chance to push my grief under the rug while I took care of people that needed my attention and took the attention away from all the pain of Christmas...but every year it found its way back in and I felt like the plauge of Christmas would never leave. I hated singing Joy to the world, I hated being with family and friends, I hated everything that Christmas was and all the excitement that led up to it. I cried all the weeks of advent for all those years in pain, all that anger, and the feeling that life was not fair...

Then there was last year at Christmas and right before Advent we got that call about Kadence (although we didn't name her till the week of love in advent) and every week I found myself crying through church as we prepared at church to welcome a gift and at home we were doing the exact same thing. I was use to crying in church during Advent, I was not use to experiencing God's healing as advent continued to unfold. While there was the preparation of baby Jesus at church we were working like elves at our home trying to transform our home from a youth center to a loving home for a baby girl...a transformation that was NOT a small undertaking! From the paint and primer to the hopes and dreams of what was to come and all of the paper work, lots and lots of paper work...somewhere between the passages of scripture, the quietness of the christmas lights, the tastiness of christmas treats, and the countless tears that ran down my face through worship, at starbucks, and at any other random place they decided to fall something miraculous happened...Jesus healed my wounds, he healed the pain of Christmas, He healed the fear of the loving others, He healed the anger of people I love being ripped away from me, He took this grinch and turned my heart into a girl that tonight just watched a tv show on netflix that was during Christmas and got goose bumps when there were Christmas Carolers and I smiled. This year I have found myself over looking fall (although it has been really fun too) and focused on Advent which starts a week after court finalization in our home. I know Kadence is too little for most of the activities that we will do and won't remember most of or even all of what we do but this year we celebrate Christmas out of healing, out of celebrating where we have come from...not running from the pain or grief but embracing they journey that led us to celebration. We embrace that Jesus was not finished with our story...He loved me enough to sit with me in my pain, take all of my anger and love me still. He loved me enough to send me a gift, of a child at the perfect time, in a perfect season and he would use that little girl to bless me and bless my family. He would use that little girl to heal some very deep wounds, to answer some of my biggest doubts, and to show off how intricate and lavish his plans were for me and my family.

This year I find myself in October wanting to start making crafts for December. I find myself wanting to tell Kadence all about Christmas and the things that she will get to experience. I find myself telling her about the love that her grandpa and great grandpa had for her before even knowing her. I find myself telling her about this amazing God that we have, that knows me and knows my story and knows her and knows her story and knew that we needed each other for such a time as this. I find myself breathing as October is in full swing...not with anxiety...but with a breath of fresh crisp air...God is a healing God and He is not done.

It would have been easy to give up on God when I was in the midst of my grief, anger, and bitterness...it would have been easy to walk away and not look back. It would have been easy to turn to alcohol, drugs, or whatever coping mechanism I could find...but I didn't...I kept pushing forward- seeking Him and being honest with my emotions (as fun as that was) and my struggle and somewhere between that very VERY dark place and the excitement I am living in this year I have found God's goodness. I have found the truth in the Ephesians verse about God doing more than we could ask or imagine and completing the good work He has started in me. I in no way, shape, or form think that God is done with me and my journey with Christmas...I am just grateful that on October 7th of 2013 I can be thankful, embrace God's grace, love and look forward to the month of December.