On the brink of tears! This morning I am chucking it off to being a girl but as I sit here and do some self reflecting I am OVERWHELMED by God's goodness, faithfulness, and how He knows me right here in Lee's Summit. He knows my struggles, the things I worry about, the things I long for, the things that take up way too much space in my heart, and the things that I wrestle with on a daily basis. I know this full well and there are some days like to today that I am overwhelmed by His love for me...and I can't even process that the way He loves me, He loves ALL of his children, ALL of the people sitting in starbucks with me, ALL the people that I worked with last night, and ALL the people in my community. That is just too big for my simple mind. I can't fathom all of that. What I can tell you is how God has crashed into my life lately and tell you that I am grateful!
*In friendship. It's not a secret that I struggle with being lonely. It's not a secret that my two best friends are no where near remotely close to me. I have LONGED for them, my heart aches to be with them. As corny as it sounds I feel complete when they are around...they are good for my soul. They make me a better mom, wife, and follower of Jesus. God is blessing my relationship with them because I am FINALLY figuring out how to have long distance relationships (anyone that has known me for awhile knows that I function very much in the out of sight out of mind mentality when it comes to friends- I don't do it on purpose but I do it). I have figured out that I can have phone calls even though the time difference. I have figured out that facebook messages really do give you warm fuzzies when that is your only way to communicate. I have figured out how to feel "connected" even though I can't see them. With this more connectedness comes this need to fall on my face before Jesus on their behalf. Now there is praying for someone (saying grace or bedtime prayers ;) ) and then there is PRAYing. (at least this is true for me- I am sure that over coffee we could have this long theological discussion about what is prayer, how you talk to God, etc) In my life my PRAYing its my reckless abandonment after God's heart. It's everything inside me causing me to lay at the feet of Jesus and weep on their behalf. In my house it looks like a rug. It looks like no one being home and I physically lay on the floor and become like this heap on the floor but on someone elses behalf (okay so now I sound creepy) but I have so seen God show up and bless these women, bless our friendship, and show me that there is abundance in praying for your friends. Prayer makes the distance not seem so far. God has healed my heart in this area and now I have experienced beautiful friendship and also seen how God is crashing into all of our lives.
*My marriage. My husband is amazing! If you read this a lot or if you know me you know that I am ridiculously in love with that man! We have been married for 7 years (next week) and I have had this same school girl crush on him 12 years! I journaled for the first time in 2005 that I knew he was going to be my husband. Our marriage is fun and he is my favorite person in the whole world. I don't tell you this for social media bragging but I tell you the truth in that he's my person. As much as I daydreamed of being his wife 10 years ago, I still to this day day dream about this man. He is sexy, selfless, and a crazy great husband and dad. I pray for him too and lately I have seen the specific things I have been praying for showing up in his daily life. I pray for him daily as he has a dangerous job and so I pray for him everyday as he heads out to work and then again every time I hear a siren. Lately I have been moved to pray for his relationship with God and that it just wouldn't just be there but that he would be passionate about it and that it would be at the forefront of his mind. I prayed for how he leads our house, that he would feel encouraged, that I would be the helpmeet he needed. That he too would be surrounded by godly men that were passionate about God's word and that while he was at work he would be able to see God working. So I have been watching my husband (not creepily-lol) and I have noticed that the conversations he is initiating are more bathed in God's word, he is quoting scripture more, and that when I ask him about work there are more and more days that he says, "you know I could see every call tonight was orchestrated by God and His timing". Andy at his bare minimum, at his core, is missional and selfless. I know God made him that way but he can even feel "distant" from Jesus and still live his life that way. The fruit of the spirit that I am seeing from my husband is beautiful and something that only Jesus does. I am proud to watch him lead our house and watch him father our little girl. God is crashing into his life- giving him boldness, tenderness, and a passion for His word.
*At work. I have a great job! This year has been hard but we have persevered and have seen His abundant blessing. These last two months I can't deny seeing God's hand daily at work. From God's timing of how every piece of our move, demolition, strategic planning, etc has meticulously fallen into place. Days when I would go to bed saying "really?" and then the next day something better than MY plan the day before comes through. Most people know we are getting ready to do a move at work. I need to hire more staff, I need to raise funds (only like $100,000 before August 1-lol), I need to grow my volunteer base to triple what it is currently. My strategic plan for one year is what most organizations would propose for 5 years. I am not naive as I set out on this journey or underestimate what it will take to achieve these things. But from the timing on checks coming in on the exact day that they need to or teams of volunteers coming in at certain times. Little things like furniture being on ridiculous sales, to interns coming in at the exact right time, to winning business of the year just a couple weeks before we are launching our business sponsorships. We are witnessing a God bathed world in a very secular world. Every day when I get in the car on the way to work, I tell God this is your strategic plan-not mine. You already know every last donor, volunteer, and teen that is going to walk through my door. You know what staff will be hired, what the space will look like, how everything will unfold. And He does and it does and I stand in awe.
*Miss K. She is great! She is so smart and always learning. I sit back and think of my journey to Kadence often. I think about how every step was ordained by God. I have been praying and thinking about how to raise a child as she continues to grow that loves Jesus and how if she can memorize Frozen's Let it Go she should be able to memorize other things. I have been pondering this and living in a learning posture of what does raising a daughter that loves Jesus look like. God has been faithful in putting some great resources and people in my path as great examples. And so I sit and watch crash into her life too.
I tell you all of this because it would be VERY easy to look at this and be like "Oh, Kylie has been having a couple of good months" but I see it completely differently. I look at it as God knowing my heart, knowing the things I long for and Him coming crashing into my life. He is blessing my life, my friendships, my home, my marriage, and my work. It doesn't mean that we don't currently have a car that has a blown head gasket, or that my husband didn't have a hard week at work, or that my body isn't exhausted from working long hours, chasing a toddler, and trying to keep up but when you step back to reflect in worship in his goodness the little things (or big things) just drift into the distance and I am refreshed and filled up with my God bathed world where Jesus comes crashing in and loving on the people in my life. Prayer is beautiful and today I am choosing to bask in His goodness and live in His abundance.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
The vulnerability of a sign...
So I usually use this blog to write about my journey with my daughter but today it's work...Today God is working through the vulnerability of a sign.
I got the proof. It came. The sign. The sign that says Pro Deo Youth Center. It has our logo. It's going up for the world to see. It's an accomplishment that I have waited for since 2009. I am so excited that I can hardly stand it. God has been blessing Pro Deo abundantly these last 5 years and this year is no different. Pro Deo is growing, changing, improving, and figuring it out...I have been all in from day one. From the first trip to the police station with the girl who was reporting a rape and she detailed every last detail of that horrific night and my ears that were hearing if for the first time. I sat in a room with a police officer and heard the vulnerability of her story. She was brave and I was scared. From the countless girls that have taken pregnancy test in my bathroom. To the kids that I have sat in their hospital rooms after they attempted suicide. To the girls nights that looking back were some of my favorite times. To the amount of coffee that has been drank for the sake of getting to the bottom of hearing a kids life story. From the break up stories, the bullying, the abuse, the brokenness. Their stories have changed me, burdened me, and the love and respect I have for them and the journey that they are on is indiscribable. The LEAST I can do for them is to be 100% sold for this cause. When they graduate from HS they call us, when they get their grades up our phone rings, when the heartache comes they reach out to us, when they get grounded they still desperately long to be with us, when they get scared they reach out to us. It is not because we have created a dynamite program that you can't find anywhere else. I truly feel that it's because every kid that walks through my door is loved. They are loved despite their label that society has given them. Thief, druggie, nerd, slut, whore, gay, poor, snob, theater kid...come one...come all my arms are open. Come and bare your soul and I will wrap my arms around you. I will listen, be burdened and take your story to the only person I know who can heal you, Jesus. Along the way I hope to make you laugh, I hope to give you the resources you need and help you succeed in life but if you walk away with NOTHING else the fact that your story was heard and you knew you were loved is enough for me.
So the vulnerability of the sign...
I'm scared of what a sign means. A sign means we can be found. Up to this point if you knew about Pro Deo it's because someone brought you or told you. A sign allows for all to stop in and find Pro Deo for themselves. This is exciting because it means that kids and parents alike can find us and it's not this abstract thing of where we are. With this it also mean more community partners needed, more case management needed, more staff, more volunteers.
A sign means it's not just Kylie and Andy's baby that can eb and flow with wherever we go. It means that it is rooted in the community, that it is here to stay. It means that on bad days I can't dream of packing up shop and moving the whole operation to Hawaii- lol. The community is just as invested as Kylie and Andy to love these teens. They are on the front lines too!
A sign means training. It means training for my volunteers and staff and people in our community so that they know how to give the same kind of attention and love that Kylie desires every teen that walks through the door to have. It means creating a safe environment despite the labels. Creating a safe place even if your archenemies is in the same room. It means helping teens break down the walls and become vulnerable as well.
The vulnerability of the sign really means...
If I am completely honest and vulnerable my biggest fear of putting the sign up is that what happens in the event if Pro Deo ever fails and has to close its doors. Then there's that sign looming for all to see where one family put their hopes and dreams. It will be a symbol of where kids used to go to be heard, be challenged, and loved. Before if Pro Deo closed up shop teenagers would have been effected (it would have been just as devastating) but they would have half expected it because they are used to being abandoned by people in their journey. But now it wouldn't just be teens effected. Pro Deo has become such a community endeavor that teens, churches, businesses, community leaders, and community members would all be effected. It would be a sad day! I am fearful because not a single other youth center has succeeded in lees summit since 1960 or 70's I think they tell me (people like to tell me this). Many have tried, many have failed. I know this, I am aware and yet I still ordered the sign.
So the sign brings fear for me, it also brings trust, excitement, and ready for what God has on this journey. I am already praying for the teens we will meet this summer and next fall. Already praying for the volunteers that will step forward, for the donors that will feel led to give and make our dreams a reality and praying for the community that has acknowledge that the teens in Lee's Summit are worth investing in. They are worth being vulnerable with. They are worth the late nights, the countless facebook messages and text messages. They are worth the tears. They are worth the smiles. They are worth the joy that their presence brings to our community.
The sign for me is me being brave. I'm being brave, trusting that God's got this! I am trusting that He is in control and all my fears of growth and what's to come is beautiful to Jesus.
So for everyone else Pro Deo gets a sign that has our name, that lights up in the dark, and looks super cool...for Kylie it's a symbol of following Jesus with reckless abandonment and and putting all my hopes, dreams, and desires into what He is doing and the sign is a symbol of my trust in Him.
I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that this sign is a reminder of just how small I am and how big Jesus is...The sign leaves me feeling vulnerable
I got the proof. It came. The sign. The sign that says Pro Deo Youth Center. It has our logo. It's going up for the world to see. It's an accomplishment that I have waited for since 2009. I am so excited that I can hardly stand it. God has been blessing Pro Deo abundantly these last 5 years and this year is no different. Pro Deo is growing, changing, improving, and figuring it out...I have been all in from day one. From the first trip to the police station with the girl who was reporting a rape and she detailed every last detail of that horrific night and my ears that were hearing if for the first time. I sat in a room with a police officer and heard the vulnerability of her story. She was brave and I was scared. From the countless girls that have taken pregnancy test in my bathroom. To the kids that I have sat in their hospital rooms after they attempted suicide. To the girls nights that looking back were some of my favorite times. To the amount of coffee that has been drank for the sake of getting to the bottom of hearing a kids life story. From the break up stories, the bullying, the abuse, the brokenness. Their stories have changed me, burdened me, and the love and respect I have for them and the journey that they are on is indiscribable. The LEAST I can do for them is to be 100% sold for this cause. When they graduate from HS they call us, when they get their grades up our phone rings, when the heartache comes they reach out to us, when they get grounded they still desperately long to be with us, when they get scared they reach out to us. It is not because we have created a dynamite program that you can't find anywhere else. I truly feel that it's because every kid that walks through my door is loved. They are loved despite their label that society has given them. Thief, druggie, nerd, slut, whore, gay, poor, snob, theater kid...come one...come all my arms are open. Come and bare your soul and I will wrap my arms around you. I will listen, be burdened and take your story to the only person I know who can heal you, Jesus. Along the way I hope to make you laugh, I hope to give you the resources you need and help you succeed in life but if you walk away with NOTHING else the fact that your story was heard and you knew you were loved is enough for me.
So the vulnerability of the sign...
I'm scared of what a sign means. A sign means we can be found. Up to this point if you knew about Pro Deo it's because someone brought you or told you. A sign allows for all to stop in and find Pro Deo for themselves. This is exciting because it means that kids and parents alike can find us and it's not this abstract thing of where we are. With this it also mean more community partners needed, more case management needed, more staff, more volunteers.
A sign means it's not just Kylie and Andy's baby that can eb and flow with wherever we go. It means that it is rooted in the community, that it is here to stay. It means that on bad days I can't dream of packing up shop and moving the whole operation to Hawaii- lol. The community is just as invested as Kylie and Andy to love these teens. They are on the front lines too!
A sign means training. It means training for my volunteers and staff and people in our community so that they know how to give the same kind of attention and love that Kylie desires every teen that walks through the door to have. It means creating a safe environment despite the labels. Creating a safe place even if your archenemies is in the same room. It means helping teens break down the walls and become vulnerable as well.
The vulnerability of the sign really means...
If I am completely honest and vulnerable my biggest fear of putting the sign up is that what happens in the event if Pro Deo ever fails and has to close its doors. Then there's that sign looming for all to see where one family put their hopes and dreams. It will be a symbol of where kids used to go to be heard, be challenged, and loved. Before if Pro Deo closed up shop teenagers would have been effected (it would have been just as devastating) but they would have half expected it because they are used to being abandoned by people in their journey. But now it wouldn't just be teens effected. Pro Deo has become such a community endeavor that teens, churches, businesses, community leaders, and community members would all be effected. It would be a sad day! I am fearful because not a single other youth center has succeeded in lees summit since 1960 or 70's I think they tell me (people like to tell me this). Many have tried, many have failed. I know this, I am aware and yet I still ordered the sign.
So the sign brings fear for me, it also brings trust, excitement, and ready for what God has on this journey. I am already praying for the teens we will meet this summer and next fall. Already praying for the volunteers that will step forward, for the donors that will feel led to give and make our dreams a reality and praying for the community that has acknowledge that the teens in Lee's Summit are worth investing in. They are worth being vulnerable with. They are worth the late nights, the countless facebook messages and text messages. They are worth the tears. They are worth the smiles. They are worth the joy that their presence brings to our community.
The sign for me is me being brave. I'm being brave, trusting that God's got this! I am trusting that He is in control and all my fears of growth and what's to come is beautiful to Jesus.
So for everyone else Pro Deo gets a sign that has our name, that lights up in the dark, and looks super cool...for Kylie it's a symbol of following Jesus with reckless abandonment and and putting all my hopes, dreams, and desires into what He is doing and the sign is a symbol of my trust in Him.
I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that this sign is a reminder of just how small I am and how big Jesus is...The sign leaves me feeling vulnerable
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