Emotional mommy...

I am warning before I write that I am emotional...

I just experienced a high...a beautiful high...a mountain top experience called Christmas.

After coming off of almost three weeks of battling stress, sickness, exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, sadness, anger, brokeness, and more sickness...I was in desperate need of Christmas.

Christmas break for me started last Saturday and I have done everything in my power to try and honor it. We did small things- like I decided that anytime Kadence asked to open a present (about once a day) we did it. No reason, other than it just brought me joy. They were really BIG presents like socks, toothbrushes, and pi's but none the less there was joy. Her wonder and excitement as she unwraps a gift is contagious! Kadence also got in the kick of asking to be rocked (I know full well it's to prolong bed time and I just don't care). Every time she asks, I get out the big blanket and snuggle her in the rocking chair and we rock. I get emotional (you wouldn't think this would happen EVERY time but it does) we give lots of kisses, eskimo kisses, and somewhere in there she usually points out my eyes and nose. I know for 100% that she is just prolonging sleep. I get that I am creating bad habits...all of this I know and I just don't care. I just hold her and the whole time I am holding her I am thanking God for just one more day of holding her, one more day of being her mommy, and for how long my heart ached to be in that rocking chair. It has been so good for my soul and so far she doesn't seem too scarred by it either. :)

Then there was Christmas Eve service. I was dreading it! I was excited for service but was not excited for an over stimulated, tired, two year old to "sit through" service. So, I packed an army of things to keep her occupied (including but not limited to an array of snacks, drinks, colors, books, and anything remotely quiet or fascinating). But the moment we walked into service she was in awe. The music started and she started dancing and singing along, like they were old familiar tunes. She was laughing deep belly laughs and pointing at lights, and people she recognized, and even thought the girl behind us was Elsa (she had a long side braid-lol). There I was with my family, the family I have prayed and longed for for so long...the mood was magical and intimate...and I could feel myself choking back the tears. As I watched Andy and Kadence dance to Christmas carols I kept thinking this is MY family. God did THIS for me! Then it was time for silent night- the time in the service where all the lights get turned off and one by one they light a candle until the whole congregation is in candle light. This sounds epic and very hallmark like...to everyone except to a mom of a toddler...to me it sounds like a trip to the emergency room for a mom who's hair she finally got to put hairspray in after two years...goes up in flames-LOL. But to my surprise as soon as the lights went out she was quiet and as the candles started to be lit she whispered WOW. My thoughts exactly! She watched as the candles were lit and we continued to sing. And the tears now came down my face...she was experiencing the magic of Christmas and I got to hold her close through the whole thing. I regained my composure, her ADHD kicked in as the service ended and we were back to searching the aisles feverishly for her friends.

As we got home, it was time to celebrate Christmas with my extended side of the family. We had dinner and opened up presents and every present she opened it was like she had never opened a gift before. She was grateful, she was in awe, she was excited, she was ready to explore everything it had in store.

Today, we had two Christmas' and the same thing happened...every gift- excitement. Every gift like she had never opened one before (although her unwrapping skills are getting skillfully better). And it got me thinking- at what point does Christmas loose its magic. At what point does a gift become just a gift. When does the child like excitement over holidays fade away. Kadence knows not the grief that I have experienced over the holidays. She knows not the countless holidays I cried longing for her existence. All she knows is joy. All she knows is the high pitch squeal that comes from opening a pair of Minnie Mouse socks...somehow I think this is all beautiful to Jesus. Do I think americans have blown consumerism and Jesus' birthday out the window...sure. But today, I am embracing that because of someone else's shopping Kadence is experiencing the simplest form of joy. Experiencing a baby's Christmas is something I feel my holidays have been lacking for awhile. Last year was great but this year has topped the cake because she is just so much more excited about everything and like I said before her joy is so contagious!

So tonight I sit here- reflecting on where I have come from. Reflecting on the pain, the stress, the sickness, the grief, the infertility, the mourning...everything that used to be under my emotions of Christmas and today I take in the simple joy of experiencing gift opening, Christmas, Christmas food, Santa, Christmas Eve service...all through the eyes of an almost two year old and it makes life so much sweeter, more magical, brings so much laughter, and fills my home with warmth and joy.

THIS is the kind of Christmas that my heart longed for!

Kadence is in bed, has lacked any sort of routine going on almost a week now, has another Christmas tomorrow with Andy's side of the family...but I am just taking in the moment- enjoying the trash of wrapping paper, dirt dishes, a sleeping baby, and a snoring dog...God is good and we have much to be grateful for this season. God has healed and continues to heal this broken mom's heart!

Sidenote- I am praying for Kadence a brother or sister in 2015...That means either a miracle is going to have to happen by knocking this girl up (my ovaries hate me and are stubborn as all get out), someone else is going to have to get preggo and trust me with their child, or Andy and I are going to have to actually submit paperwork to start the adoption process again...All of these things sound like daunting, overwhelming, and scary tasks or undertakings but here's to trusting that God has a plan.

Till next time...MERRY CHRISTMAS

The Art of Advent and Mommy Guilt...

My reality this past week has been a fair balance between mommy guilt and advent. I blame myself partly for doing such a great job over thanksgiving break of resting, being an attentive parent, and just being that I felt like I was more ready than ever to bring in the advent season. The tree was up, to do lists made, fun activities planned, time with friends scheduled, time with just the husband scheduled, work hours planned, babysitters planned...if there was ever a mom ready for Advent and the ability to still have enough "unplanned" time to embrace the season I was the candidate. No really if you wanted to give me an award for mom most ready to embrace this season...it was me...I even have my very own holiday notebook (you can make fun of me if you wish)...but monday with no warning at all brought this week to all of it's craziness. Things that I told andy would take 30 minutes found themselves take 3 hours. Promises I had made myself over the solitude of Thanksgiving break and the promises I had made to my family breaking...day by day, break after break...By tuesday all wheels had fallen off the bus as the Jeep decided to just give up. (Mind you the other car was already sitting in the shop- going on 3 weeks now) so we were officially a ZERO car family. Wednesday my life was a nightmare in trying to navigate the healthcare system for the uninsured. What we thought would be a simple one hour doctors appointment starting at the beginning of the day ended up lasting till 3am. By Thursday by body was rebelling what I knew far to well as the beginning of sickness was starting to take over. Surely not, not this week...I pushed through and by the time Friday rolled around I couldn't get out of bed. Like literally it was painful to sit up. So pretty much Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have consisted of trying to sleep, not breathe on others, and try to manage just being alive, and parenting the bare minimum- sure we can watch frozen just one more time- sure we can sit under the heated blanket- whoops did mommy fall asleep again. So this awesome week, the beginning of this AMAZING season that I was so ready to embrace...just like that is complete...I saw my husband maybe a total of 3-6 hours this week, my kid more but mainly at meal time and bath time, and "sitting" times aka TV. There have been very few quiet nights by the tree. There have been very few fun memories made. The overwhelming feeling I was feeling was guilt. How do I do this? How can be doing so many good things in one week also bring such an ugly feeling? How come I feel like I have neglected my family, my child, and my solitude with Jesus for the mundane of just going. I am not proud of the mom I have been this week, I am not proud of my parenting, our routines, meals, cleanliness, etc...there are some other things I am really not proud of this week either but that's about as vulnerable as this nyquil is letting me get tonight.
 I still feel like I'm dying but word on the street is this bug takes awhile to work its course and being in a non-profit at december and being a mom of a toddler does not equal infinity sick days...it looks like popping some medication, packing the kleenex, and pulling up the bootstraps to make it work.
This morning the hardest thing for me to do was to get out of bed to go to church. I wanted to go to church so bad because I love my church at Advent. I knew after the week I had been having I NEEDED to go to church. By the time I got to church I was sweating, was thinking not nice thoughts about my rebelling two year old, and just wanted a shot of whiskey or maybe a few more nyquil to numb the pain. I remember sitting down in the chair and being like I made it and feeling like that in itself what a HUGE accomplishment. I'm not sure if I was going to church just so that I could sit and be quiet with excellent music but whatever the motivation that got me out of the door and to fight all the minuscule battles that I fought this morning (battles that when you are not sick are not even battles-lol) but I got there.
I was so grateful for Garrett's message this morning and now after a whole day and a somewhat foggy memory all I remember walking away with was when we are at are lowest God is at the top of His game. So here I sit with husband and child both asleep, sitting by the tree, sipping hot cocoa (I'm not really but it sounds good but I'm just to lazy to go and make it), and by almost box of kleenex, with an olaf at my feet and I breathe in and out...When I am at the bottom of my game God is at the top of His.
So I went grocery shopping today, stepping out in faith that I will have the energy to feed my family. I reached out and asked for helped today hoping to balance my schedule a little better this week. I know that in my work life I have two HUGE weeks left until we can rest as a non-profit. I also know that if I am not centered and focused on Jesus me as a "boss", me as a mom, and me as a wife are not a pretty thing. If I have have learned one thing about myself through everything in my life up to this point is that that Kylie without time for Jesus is of no use to anyone.
So tonight I am grateful for the peace that God's got this. Grateful that tomorrow is a new week, and really grateful for all intended purposes that Kadence will probably not remember this past week in the grand scheme of life ;) Also grateful for a God who can love and minister to this mommy's soul even when the mommy guilt comes and I question am I enough? Am I a good mom? Did I F' up so bad this week that God's like if you can't do this- what makes you think you can handle more kids?
What I love about God is that he takes all my irrational fears, all of my inability to love and schedule and parent and be a wife and be selfless and He loves me anyway. He hugs me anyway. He has trusted me with a beautiful baby girl and a gorgeous husband, and a cuddly puppy (Jada didn't want to be left out), he has trusted me with friends, family, and a beautiful job, and teens that I love and adore. He has given me much to care for and so I take what He has given me and return it to His feet because without Him I am a heaping mess (today I would be just a heaping mess of nyquil and kleenex).

So normally when I blog I go back and re-read what I read to make sure it says what I mean but tonight I just don't have it in me- so not only do you have the normal spelling errors and grammatical nightmare that my blogs usually are...you also have what I am calling "Kylie's NyQuil Thoughts".

Here's to tomorrow being a new day!