Emotional mommy...

I am warning before I write that I am emotional...

I just experienced a high...a beautiful high...a mountain top experience called Christmas.

After coming off of almost three weeks of battling stress, sickness, exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, sadness, anger, brokeness, and more sickness...I was in desperate need of Christmas.

Christmas break for me started last Saturday and I have done everything in my power to try and honor it. We did small things- like I decided that anytime Kadence asked to open a present (about once a day) we did it. No reason, other than it just brought me joy. They were really BIG presents like socks, toothbrushes, and pi's but none the less there was joy. Her wonder and excitement as she unwraps a gift is contagious! Kadence also got in the kick of asking to be rocked (I know full well it's to prolong bed time and I just don't care). Every time she asks, I get out the big blanket and snuggle her in the rocking chair and we rock. I get emotional (you wouldn't think this would happen EVERY time but it does) we give lots of kisses, eskimo kisses, and somewhere in there she usually points out my eyes and nose. I know for 100% that she is just prolonging sleep. I get that I am creating bad habits...all of this I know and I just don't care. I just hold her and the whole time I am holding her I am thanking God for just one more day of holding her, one more day of being her mommy, and for how long my heart ached to be in that rocking chair. It has been so good for my soul and so far she doesn't seem too scarred by it either. :)

Then there was Christmas Eve service. I was dreading it! I was excited for service but was not excited for an over stimulated, tired, two year old to "sit through" service. So, I packed an army of things to keep her occupied (including but not limited to an array of snacks, drinks, colors, books, and anything remotely quiet or fascinating). But the moment we walked into service she was in awe. The music started and she started dancing and singing along, like they were old familiar tunes. She was laughing deep belly laughs and pointing at lights, and people she recognized, and even thought the girl behind us was Elsa (she had a long side braid-lol). There I was with my family, the family I have prayed and longed for for so long...the mood was magical and intimate...and I could feel myself choking back the tears. As I watched Andy and Kadence dance to Christmas carols I kept thinking this is MY family. God did THIS for me! Then it was time for silent night- the time in the service where all the lights get turned off and one by one they light a candle until the whole congregation is in candle light. This sounds epic and very hallmark like...to everyone except to a mom of a toddler...to me it sounds like a trip to the emergency room for a mom who's hair she finally got to put hairspray in after two years...goes up in flames-LOL. But to my surprise as soon as the lights went out she was quiet and as the candles started to be lit she whispered WOW. My thoughts exactly! She watched as the candles were lit and we continued to sing. And the tears now came down my face...she was experiencing the magic of Christmas and I got to hold her close through the whole thing. I regained my composure, her ADHD kicked in as the service ended and we were back to searching the aisles feverishly for her friends.

As we got home, it was time to celebrate Christmas with my extended side of the family. We had dinner and opened up presents and every present she opened it was like she had never opened a gift before. She was grateful, she was in awe, she was excited, she was ready to explore everything it had in store.

Today, we had two Christmas' and the same thing happened...every gift- excitement. Every gift like she had never opened one before (although her unwrapping skills are getting skillfully better). And it got me thinking- at what point does Christmas loose its magic. At what point does a gift become just a gift. When does the child like excitement over holidays fade away. Kadence knows not the grief that I have experienced over the holidays. She knows not the countless holidays I cried longing for her existence. All she knows is joy. All she knows is the high pitch squeal that comes from opening a pair of Minnie Mouse socks...somehow I think this is all beautiful to Jesus. Do I think americans have blown consumerism and Jesus' birthday out the window...sure. But today, I am embracing that because of someone else's shopping Kadence is experiencing the simplest form of joy. Experiencing a baby's Christmas is something I feel my holidays have been lacking for awhile. Last year was great but this year has topped the cake because she is just so much more excited about everything and like I said before her joy is so contagious!

So tonight I sit here- reflecting on where I have come from. Reflecting on the pain, the stress, the sickness, the grief, the infertility, the mourning...everything that used to be under my emotions of Christmas and today I take in the simple joy of experiencing gift opening, Christmas, Christmas food, Santa, Christmas Eve service...all through the eyes of an almost two year old and it makes life so much sweeter, more magical, brings so much laughter, and fills my home with warmth and joy.

THIS is the kind of Christmas that my heart longed for!

Kadence is in bed, has lacked any sort of routine going on almost a week now, has another Christmas tomorrow with Andy's side of the family...but I am just taking in the moment- enjoying the trash of wrapping paper, dirt dishes, a sleeping baby, and a snoring dog...God is good and we have much to be grateful for this season. God has healed and continues to heal this broken mom's heart!

Sidenote- I am praying for Kadence a brother or sister in 2015...That means either a miracle is going to have to happen by knocking this girl up (my ovaries hate me and are stubborn as all get out), someone else is going to have to get preggo and trust me with their child, or Andy and I are going to have to actually submit paperwork to start the adoption process again...All of these things sound like daunting, overwhelming, and scary tasks or undertakings but here's to trusting that God has a plan.

Till next time...MERRY CHRISTMAS