My reality this past week has been a fair balance between mommy guilt and advent. I blame myself partly for doing such a great job over thanksgiving break of resting, being an attentive parent, and just being that I felt like I was more ready than ever to bring in the advent season. The tree was up, to do lists made, fun activities planned, time with friends scheduled, time with just the husband scheduled, work hours planned, babysitters planned...if there was ever a mom ready for Advent and the ability to still have enough "unplanned" time to embrace the season I was the candidate. No really if you wanted to give me an award for mom most ready to embrace this season...it was me...I even have my very own holiday notebook (you can make fun of me if you wish)...but monday with no warning at all brought this week to all of it's craziness. Things that I told andy would take 30 minutes found themselves take 3 hours. Promises I had made myself over the solitude of Thanksgiving break and the promises I had made to my family breaking...day by day, break after break...By tuesday all wheels had fallen off the bus as the Jeep decided to just give up. (Mind you the other car was already sitting in the shop- going on 3 weeks now) so we were officially a ZERO car family. Wednesday my life was a nightmare in trying to navigate the healthcare system for the uninsured. What we thought would be a simple one hour doctors appointment starting at the beginning of the day ended up lasting till 3am. By Thursday by body was rebelling what I knew far to well as the beginning of sickness was starting to take over. Surely not, not this week...I pushed through and by the time Friday rolled around I couldn't get out of bed. Like literally it was painful to sit up. So pretty much Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have consisted of trying to sleep, not breathe on others, and try to manage just being alive, and parenting the bare minimum- sure we can watch frozen just one more time- sure we can sit under the heated blanket- whoops did mommy fall asleep again. So this awesome week, the beginning of this AMAZING season that I was so ready to embrace...just like that is complete...I saw my husband maybe a total of 3-6 hours this week, my kid more but mainly at meal time and bath time, and "sitting" times aka TV. There have been very few quiet nights by the tree. There have been very few fun memories made. The overwhelming feeling I was feeling was guilt. How do I do this? How can be doing so many good things in one week also bring such an ugly feeling? How come I feel like I have neglected my family, my child, and my solitude with Jesus for the mundane of just going. I am not proud of the mom I have been this week, I am not proud of my parenting, our routines, meals, cleanliness, etc...there are some other things I am really not proud of this week either but that's about as vulnerable as this nyquil is letting me get tonight.
I still feel like I'm dying but word on the street is this bug takes awhile to work its course and being in a non-profit at december and being a mom of a toddler does not equal infinity sick days...it looks like popping some medication, packing the kleenex, and pulling up the bootstraps to make it work.
This morning the hardest thing for me to do was to get out of bed to go to church. I wanted to go to church so bad because I love my church at Advent. I knew after the week I had been having I NEEDED to go to church. By the time I got to church I was sweating, was thinking not nice thoughts about my rebelling two year old, and just wanted a shot of whiskey or maybe a few more nyquil to numb the pain. I remember sitting down in the chair and being like I made it and feeling like that in itself what a HUGE accomplishment. I'm not sure if I was going to church just so that I could sit and be quiet with excellent music but whatever the motivation that got me out of the door and to fight all the minuscule battles that I fought this morning (battles that when you are not sick are not even battles-lol) but I got there.
I was so grateful for Garrett's message this morning and now after a whole day and a somewhat foggy memory all I remember walking away with was when we are at are lowest God is at the top of His game. So here I sit with husband and child both asleep, sitting by the tree, sipping hot cocoa (I'm not really but it sounds good but I'm just to lazy to go and make it), and by almost box of kleenex, with an olaf at my feet and I breathe in and out...When I am at the bottom of my game God is at the top of His.
So I went grocery shopping today, stepping out in faith that I will have the energy to feed my family. I reached out and asked for helped today hoping to balance my schedule a little better this week. I know that in my work life I have two HUGE weeks left until we can rest as a non-profit. I also know that if I am not centered and focused on Jesus me as a "boss", me as a mom, and me as a wife are not a pretty thing. If I have have learned one thing about myself through everything in my life up to this point is that that Kylie without time for Jesus is of no use to anyone.
So tonight I am grateful for the peace that God's got this. Grateful that tomorrow is a new week, and really grateful for all intended purposes that Kadence will probably not remember this past week in the grand scheme of life ;) Also grateful for a God who can love and minister to this mommy's soul even when the mommy guilt comes and I question am I enough? Am I a good mom? Did I F' up so bad this week that God's like if you can't do this- what makes you think you can handle more kids?
What I love about God is that he takes all my irrational fears, all of my inability to love and schedule and parent and be a wife and be selfless and He loves me anyway. He hugs me anyway. He has trusted me with a beautiful baby girl and a gorgeous husband, and a cuddly puppy (Jada didn't want to be left out), he has trusted me with friends, family, and a beautiful job, and teens that I love and adore. He has given me much to care for and so I take what He has given me and return it to His feet because without Him I am a heaping mess (today I would be just a heaping mess of nyquil and kleenex).
So normally when I blog I go back and re-read what I read to make sure it says what I mean but tonight I just don't have it in me- so not only do you have the normal spelling errors and grammatical nightmare that my blogs usually are...you also have what I am calling "Kylie's NyQuil Thoughts".
Here's to tomorrow being a new day!
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