When you can't process, you blog...

So if you have spent anytime at all on my Facebook, or on social media at all over the last few days you have probably seen Josh's story. You have probably seen this unfolding nightmare that came out of nowhere...I just read a horrific version of this story which is probably accurate but as Josh and Melissa's friend it was VERY hard to read! So I decided to write my own story...

Meet Josh and Melissa- I met Josh through Andy when Josh and Melissa were expecting their twins. Josh and Andy worked the same wheel and same shift together. Andy told Josh that I was at home at night and could help out when their twins were born. Who knew that would be the beginning of something so beautiful. The girls were born in December of that year and over that next year Melissa and I did a lot of rocking, changing diapers, feeding, and holding sleeping babies while we laughed, cried and bonded. It was over the course of this, sour patch kids, sweet tea, and countless chick flicks that Melissa and I grew to be friends. Melissa was always a hard worker, always calm, always crafty, always the comforter. Over the years Andy and I continued to grow closer to Josh and Melissa and their children. They joined our church, we did countless lunch/dinner times together, dog sitting and our lives continued to get knit together...they are our people. 

Somewhere along that journey Andy and I started Pro Deo and for as long as I can remember they have helped out with Pro Deo. Josh grilling out hot dogs, bringing the twins over to eat at our house with the teens, Josh driving for events, delivering Christmas presents to our teens. Melissa helping at girls night, bringing food for events...you need anything and one or both of them are there. This past August I was able to bring Melissa on as our Administrative Director because her skill set works really well at balancing my...well let's say LOUD self. She keeps me organized, on task, takes all of the burdens of daily life off of me...in many regards I wouldn't be "me" if it wasn't for her. 

So let me tell you about what I know about Josh through our friendship with them:

Josh LOVES his job! He loves being a cop, he loves being a part of that brotherhood. He helps out on the department with things they are doing, takes overtime where he can, and always goes above and beyond the call of duty. He within the past year got promoted to being a detective which he also LOVES! He is proud of the work he does, he is proud of what he brings to the department, and he works very hard at what he does. 

Josh LOVES his family. When Josh is not at work you can find him playing zombie games, sword fights with his girls, being a super hero (I mean who has twin girls and by the time they were 4 could pretty much name most if not all the marvel characters), or wrestling around. You can always see the spark in his eye that he has for his wife and anytime she would let him he would steal a kiss from her. He is in all aspects of the word a family man and a man that loves them to their core. 

I guess I got so emotional reading some of the stories that are out there now on Josh because they may share the "facts" but they don't know Josh. They don't know that he will bust his ass to be a Husband, father, and cop again. He will and is fighting every day to walk out of that hospital. Their story doesn't depict the hope that comes when a whole community steps up and prays for a man's journey.  Their story doesn't show the power of what God can do or the healing that can take place. Their story doesn't show the ripple effect that his story is having on this community. This family is LOVED, this family has HOPE, this family is FIGHTING...so you may have the facts but I know that God is greater than the facts. God can heal Josh, God can comfort Melissa, God can continue to raise up an army to take care of their family. So I might not be a journalist but what I can tell you is that there is HOPE. 

One more thing I am processing through this all:

I am proud of the LSPD. Being a police officer in this world is not glamorous any more. I get on Facebook daily only to find another post of F the police. Gone are the days where little kids long to be police officers. Everyone wants to talk about what cop stopped them, how this cop made the wrong choice, etc, etc. As a wife who loves her police officer it has been an INCREDIBLY hard year listening to all of the criticism of his profession. But in a situation like Josh's there is no other field I would rather my husband be in. What other field could you be in where your co-workers are there around the clock supporting you, they are around the clock taking care of your spouse and children. They are taking care of meals, working on the lawn, getting chocolate milk for the girls' breakfast...this "brotherhood" people speak of is real, it is powerful, and it is profoundly humbling to watch it unfold before my eyes. So say what you want about police officers but this department has knocked my socks off in my expectations for what a brotherhood would be like and I am proud to be a part of this family.

Josh- We love you. We are praying for you fervently...and banding together with the rest of the community taking care of your family so that you can focus on the fight ahead of you. Sending you hugs and prayers constantly. 

Melissa- Girlfriend...you have got some badass super hero strength(maybe that's why Josh is such a huge fan of yours)! I am in awe of the week you have had and your ability to walk through each day. I admire you for how you take each day and how you stand by Josh through this all while caring for your precious babies. I admire your strength even when you don't feel like you have any. I admire you as a wife and a mom. Your journey ahead of you is going to be long, it's probably going to be hard...we will not leave you. Not after this week, not after this year, we are in this forever with you, we are committed to you and to your family. When your strength is gone, when calm cucumber has walked out the door...we will come pick you up for some sour patch kids till our tongues are numb and then we will go back hand and hand to face the day again. 

This feels more like what I wanted to read tonight...these are the other "facts"

The Grant that saved my life...

In non-profit work you have grants. You write grants, you receive grants (fingers crossed-lol), and life  can operate on a grant cycle. This past fall/winter we applied for a grant. It was a grant for healthy lifestyles. Although I was excited about the ideas and the prospects for potential community partners I had no idea the impact it would have on my personal life. I knew when we submitted the grant that if we had received it that we had to be all in from top management all the way down. I couldn't require teens that have no natural desire for healthy living to make such drastic changes if I too wasn't willing to go on the journey. It should make sense that this was my approach sense we run our organization with the "with" mentality. I want to be in the trenches WITH my people...so I knew the first step to this was I needed to make a doctors appointment to deal with some annoying things I had tried to avoid/ignore for going on a year now. To spare you all of the medical details my GI was/is messed up and that was a nice understatement. This decision to deal with this was not an easy one, not a cheap one, and not one that I was terribly excited to address but knew it needed to be done. The week we got word that we got the grant was a horrible week in my life- one that was filled with tears and much stress...I was a mess to say the least. I remember sitting at the coffee shop processing all that was going on and making the realization of the changes that getting this grant were going to mean for me and my family. As testing continued, dr visits continued to accumulate here I was at the crossroads...then there was spring break and the grant was officially kicking off...and the phone rang...

It was the doctor and although they had several tests that were still out (and still actually are as I type this) they had discovered at least one piece of the puzzle and that was that I had something "cool" called Gastroparesis (I still to this day have hit or miss days on being able to spell that awesome name) and to set up a meeting to meet with the doctor again. We met and as we started processing things I was well aware that my life was changing before my very eyes. At first I was in denial- at first I googled everything and was like this is SO not me...but then I did some more research (beyond google, WebMD, and the Mayo Clinic) and what I found were real people that had been suffering for way to long like me with out a diagnosis. Things that I couldn't put into words, things I had shook off as just my "quirks" and had no idea they were all tied together. What I found were lifestyle changes that I was having to make. More sleep, less stress (I actually am doing really poorly with the first two on many days), less fat, very little fiber, and the worst no blueberries or strawberries...I was confident that I was not going to be defined by my "diagnosis" since I struggled with that so long with PCOS too. The more I read and the more changes I have been making the more that I feel like this is the route I am to be taking. I am only two weeks in to my "new life", I still have bad days where I struggle just to function but I have been experiencing the bad days for so long that I have learned how to plow through them and put a smile on my face. If anything it has given me the freedom to say out loud that I don't feel well after I eat or when a certain meal makes things worse. It has also made me not feel like I'm crazy and that all of this pain I have been enduring was not "just in my head" or something else. It also has made me a student of my own body- figuring out how it is supposed to work, what helps and what hurts it and to learn everything I can to better me. 

So here I am two weeks in, appreciative for a grant that helped me take the courage and be brave to go to the doctor. To a grant that is making the means available for the people in my life and myself to seek a healthy lifestyle together, eat healthy together, and discover these changes together. Taking the bodies that God has given us, embracing them and all of their quirks, and becoming our own advocate and deciding to live well with whatever path we are given. So thanks to our grantors, to the drs, to the teens in this journey too, to Melissa that posts encouraging pictures for the teens that actually helps me too, for my fitness pal, and for my hubby who has been so encouraging and supportive through this whole life change. My life is different now and as more tests come in I am sure my life will continue to change but for now I am grateful to learn the things I am, and have the opportunity to be in the trenches with others making their lives better. Accepting this, advocating for me, and believing that God is creating a good work in me and that he can heal things even when medicine says it's not possible... 

That's what's been going on over here and what happens when a grant actually has the potential to change your life...not just in a financial blessing...but protecting and saving my health and the health of the people I love...GRATEFUL