Here goes nothing...

If you have been close to me in the last two weeks you know Andy and I have been wrestling with some pretty big things...

For the rest of you here is my heart- full confession I am terrified to share any of this with you. I am scared that saying it aloud will make none of it come true. I am afraid I will put all of my faith, my thoughts, and my hopes out here and God will lead in a different direction and then that to people that are not in relationship with Jesus they would view it as Jesus not answering, as God not being present...but none of that would be true. In this blog I will voice to you my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my passion and then I will leave all at that...

So 1st off to get everyone on the same page you need to have some fundamental information: 1. Andy and I desire to continue to build our family 2. We are passionate about pursuing this and do not go into this lightly 3. We found a sibling set of boys (4,6) on a waiting child list 4. They are in Kansas, we are in Missouri 5. Adoption, personally brings me so close to the feet of Jesus because so much of all of it is NOT in my control. 6. The odds of getting these particular boys feels SLIM to NO CHANCE AT ALL because of said "system" and where we are in the process (aka-the VERY beginning). I tell all of you this so you don't go into panic mode or crazy excitement mode of Kylie and Andy having more children (although in all honesty it's going to be awhile till this house is "full" so you should get used to this type of blog post-haha)

So here's me taking a risk- I am taking a risk to be vulnerable to tell you about two kids that against all my better judgement tell me "it's not possible" but I have already gotten attached! So, we are going to either watch God unfold this beautiful miracle or we are going to watch devastation happen and watch God put all the pieces back together and maybe a mixture of all of that or somewhere in between...

I'm pretty sure this is all Andy's fault. Andy prays things and our home changes- He prayed initially to be a dad and 8 months later we were parents. He's praying again for God to lead our family to multiplying and guide us in that direction-

So two weeks ago I woke up to do my morning quiet time and after a little bit at 6:30am decided to search for waiting children (I'm confident that this is not normal). I was expecting not to find anything that fit all of my pickiness - which in reality is not that picky but when you are looking at waiting children lists it feels daunting. If you need something to keep you up at night- go onto the adoptuskids website and search for kids...20 kids on a page and 80 pages of just my search criteria...my heart breaks and I instantly start constructing a bunkbed plan in my head to maximize the space in my house. Is it possible to walk in the front door and see bunk beds? Who needs a living room anyway? And then onto another site- different site, same story...and then there they were...kids that "fit" Children that I felt like I was apart of and yet I couldn't explain it. I watched their video and I instantly thought "yes!" So, once Andy woke up I had to let him in on my little bit of crazy and confess that at 6:30am I was looking for children to add to our family (grateful he knows me and is comfortable with this level of crazy). We both watched their video and read their profile and we both felt the same way. We let a few days pass as we were just going to let God lead and then last Sunday Andy was having his quiet time in the hammock and he said, "Okay, this is our stance but when are we actually going to fill in the application and do what we need to do to pursue this on our end" (gotta love my activator husband) So, Monday morning we mailed off our application to become a foster/adopt parent in the state of missouri and the more I am learning we will just pray on everything holy that after we are "trained" that Kansas will be nice enough to consider us for these two boys.

So here's more of my crazy- I find myself praying for these boys daily.I find myself watching their videos and telling them that I love them and that God will tell them that they are loved. I am praying that God is preparing their heart to be adopted. That God is reassuring their hearts that they are wanted, that they are being longed for, that somewhere (over the state line) there is a crazy little family that wants desperately to be their forever family. I find myself praying for the caseworker that will get assigned to us, that she will work speedily. I pray for the first time we meet them. I pray that they would attach, that they would feel welcomed an cherished in our home. I pray that they don't have peanut butter allergies (I know I am working through this one-but we really like peanut butter in this house-LOL). I find my heart longing to spend Christmas, their birthday, and every other holiday together. I find myself daydreaming about Kadence and the boys going apple picking together, or swimming, or bike riding, or doing our bedtime routine together. I daydream about story time with all of them together, meal time, and playing outside together. I pray for their days while they are at school- I pray for their teachers and for their foster parents. I pray for their story and the trauma that led them to be so young and to be available for adoption. I pray for my ability to listen to their story and process it and love them through it. I pray for my fears of the unknown, I pray for my heart because it is loving 2 people that in no way have been promised by anyone to be ours.

Friday I was suffering from what I fondly call adoption fatigue...that moment when you are a bit bitter at the process and all of the red tape, where all of it feels like the daunting task that will never take place, where you are just mad that it is so easy for x,y,and z to have a family but for you it feels like there is an army standing before you making you prove that you want to be a parent and can adequately do it. Luckily God is gracious to me during my temper tantrums too...then there was this morning and I came downstairs to greet Andy and I told him this (if you know me you know I say phrases that I mean well but they come out not so great-lol) I told him that I feel the closest to our boys (yeah it's probably too soon to give them that title too-whoops) when I'm in the shower. He told me I shouldn't tell people that. But in the shower is where I have some of my most honest chats with Jesus and when I am there I find myself so at peace with this journey, so confident that we are on the right path, and that one day these boys will get to come home. So my showers this past week have been longer but I am leaning into the only thing I know can keep me grounded during this whole process...to know that our heart is in the right place- We want to love well, we want to create forever families for whomever God decides, and we want to have an open posture to whatever children He brings our way...and on this day that leads us to two boys that we are on our knees with God asking...are we their forever?

So prayer warriors will you join me? Will you join me in praying for however God chooses to grow our family? Will you pray for those two boys that have our hearts? Will you pray for Andy, Kadence, Jada, and I as we navigate this journey? Will you pray for the "system" to have a little mercy and work just a bit-ha? Will you pray for God's will to be done in this?

And I am going to do my best to trust, to lean into this journey and know that God is in control!

So there's all my vulnerability today...all of the unknown-now we are all in it together - you are welcome

Here's to hoping 2016 is the year that Kadence gets siblings (minus her college sister and her dog sister) ;)