I am ruined...

Have you ever gotten to a point where you know you are ruined? Not in the way that pants get ruined by grass stains and you can't wear them any more but ruined in the way that missionaries come back from third world countries and function in America? That's me and I have not been in any third world countries.

The last time I remember feeling this kind of ruined was 6 years ago when we started Pro Deo. How could people turn their backs on teenagers? How could a city not be broken for their teenagers? I was ruined but in the best ways. What God created then was a woman who will never have the newest trends in clothes, won't have the fancy things in life, won't move up the career ladder but I will meet teens where they are. I will love them from close and I will love them from afar. How I am blessed that God has provided staff to let me continue to have a passion but to allow others in the trenches. My role is to now lead the hart of an organization. I may not be the person giving the hug and having coffee with the girl whose life is falling apart at the seam but my job is to make sure that someone is. Its my job to support the staff that is loving them in the trenches and praying for them staff and student alike. It's a beautiful spot that God has put me in.

So fastforward to now- I find myself ruined yet again. This one, like the last, caught me off guard. The beginning of January, Andy and I started foster classes with the intent to adopt. We want to adopt a sibling....because of lots of things we decided the route of foster care and found ourselves in these classes as a prerequisite to adopt. So, I literally just got off the phone with our case worker and we will sign our home study today...TODAY...everything we have worked for since July when this started to be an actual possibility. What I didn't know was how this would ruin me. What started off as a thought of adopting a sibling for K-pickle has turned into this word called "sibling sets". Daily I am in a group that sends out needs of kids to be fostered or adopted...THERE ARE SO MANY. A statistic that I was told during my training was that 1,200 kids just in my county are in care daily...UGH how do you sleep when you have that number? Then you throw in websites like adoptuskids that says there are currently 108,000 kids waiting to be adopted in the US from the foster care system. 108,000. Then you watch a movie like Camp (on netflix) and your world is rocked. It does NOT sit well with me to think and process through kiddos needing bedtime stories, routines, structure, love, unconditional love at that...that these kiddos most likely have never had a birthday party, no celebrating of advent, or family easter egg hunts. They don't necessarily have someone that is praying on their behalf, that is advocating for them, and who is loving them with everything in them...I am ruined...I find myself sitting on the adoption websites and praying through profiles, praying for kids I have never met and will most likely never meet. I find myself longing to give them all hugs. I find myself getting disgusted with space I have in my house that is not serving a purpose. I find myself unable to fall asleep at night without praying for my "favorites" on the sites. I find myself rearranging bedroom configurations to see just how many children could fit in our home. It's dangerous when you start praying not my will but your will be done God. It's dangerous when you start praying God use me. It's dangerous when you know that you can't single handily change the foster care system in the US. But I know that my home and my heart has some serious room to be used and for those kiddos that God allows in my home I will fight for, pray for, educate, love, and seek wisdom for. I can't take the 108,000 but I know that God is doing something and I know that God is preparing me and ruining me in the best of ways. I may become really uncomfortable to be around in the coming months because I have some big passions and big dreams and that (from what I can tell) makes people uncomfortable.
I have learned through my journey with my marriage, Pro Deo, and through our adoption with K-pickle that God hears me loud and clear when I pray and that He moves mountains and makes things that I foresee impossible possible. So here I am with  my faith of a mustard seed and ruined for the sake of the countless children in our country that are questioning if they will ever have a home to call forever. I am ruined for the children that will go to bed in my own community (and the rest of the country) not knowing that God loves them. I am ruined in the best way because I am a woman that is fiercely passionate for my family, for my community, and for the forgotten...May God use me, Andy, Halena, K-pickle and the rest of our family and community to love unconditionally and serve those that God brings to us and may He make us brave on this journey...

Being ruined is hard but it is such a sweet beautiful spot to be in...