So lets back up to 9 weeks ago when we started our training. We were in class and watching a video re:foster care placement. After it was done our trainer asked us what we thought. One woman in our class said she felt guilty. She felt guilty that because that child was unable to be reunified because of addictions of the mother that put that child at risk, adoption was the plan and now that child "had" to be adopted. The trainer said okay, okay you on this side of the room what do you think...I had to look down I could feel everything inside of me welling up ready to vomit (forget everything else but I was brining a strong passionate opinion of adoption to the table) my thoughts on to these strangers. Luckily (I use this word lightly) my husband stepped up to the plate and spoke- He said I feel disgusted. I feel disgusted that it took so long to decide that reunification wasn't possible. I am disgusted that this woman chose drugs and men over her child every.single.time. I'm disgusted that my wife and I can't conceive children and we have a solid marriage, a supportive family, and love being parents. Shocked initially that he would be so vulnerable in front of strangers (and did he not know we were sitting in foster classes where the end goal for everyone is indeed reunification) and yet on some other level it was the first time I had heard him actually vocalize the pain and injustice that infertility leaves one feeling and even more so on the dads side of things. The next 9 weeks I would wrestle with his words. The more I learned about trauma, the more I continued to experience working with teens that had been traumatized, and the more I found myself longing for more children...I wrestled.
This is where I am at today. I think disgusted is a hard word. Disgusted is the word I have when I have to clean big poops out of the princess potty (real talk). Whether I think the word is right or wrong I think on a deep spiritual level that abuse and neglect of children hurts the heart of God. He created these beautiful beautiful humans and then people that got trusted with these beautiful children stole their innocence, used them for their own gain, took their anger out on them, forgot them all together, or chose the need to love someone else or the addiction over their own child. That infuriates me! (Let me insert a side note here- I am fully aware that kids come in to care for a variety of reasons that include but are not limited to poverty, a crazy accident, or some odd circumstance that doesn't fit this generalization- in this instance give me grace and know that I am just unpacking my heart) Initially when we were in our training and Andy said the word disgusted the trainer said I hope after the 9 weeks you don't feel this way. But...I think it's okay to be where we are today. It's real, honest, and messy. We know that our passion is for the kiddos that will not be reunified, that termination of parental rights is what the court is seeking. We know that we can love the birth parents with whatever situation comes to us and when we fail at that God will step in and He already loves them and can help us to love them. I know that we can protect, cherish, love, equip, and hold dearly the children that have been hurt by the world. That within our walls they would know hope, they would know sacrificial love, and above all they would know that their heavenly father loves them deeply and passionately. But I think God is okay with the fact that I don't sleep easily knowing that precious itty bittys are being hurt by this world and the burden I feel knowing that I can't hold each and every child that is in care and tell them that they are loved. God is also okay knowing that in our hearts we don't view humans as disgusting but that our heart hurts that we live in a world where this kind of brokenness even exists.
So then I start thinking about our specific placements since I can't save the world (something I struggle with sometimes) I will focus on the love I can give to the children that walk through my doors and I will fight for them. I will advocate for them, I will teach them about Jesus, I will show them a healthy marriage, I will love them on the hard days and on the days when it comes as second nature. I will love their birth family not for the pain and trauma but because they too are God's children. I will take everything I don't understand to the feet of Jesus and wrestle with it there because I am safe there. I will lay my questions, the things I don't understand, and all the names of the kiddos I can't have in my home, and the kids that will never make it in to care but should have...I'll lay it all at the feet of Jesus and go there to rest. It may not seem "right" that Andy and I can't conceive children but I wonder if I would be so passionate about something or even be in this spot willing to fight and advocate and be the momma bear that I am if I was conceiving children left and right (we will never know). Today the pain of infertility doesn't plague me. I have wrestled that demon for many years. Today I am excited about this adventure we are on. I am so incredibly grateful that God gave us Kadence and her story of adoption. I am grateful that her story is full of love, choice, and selflessness. I am grateful that Kadence has taught us how incredible life can be being parents, how much joy a child can bring to your life, how much God weaves stories together, and how He is in the business of making miracles. So today I cling to that. I am trusting that there are kiddos in care or are coming in to care soon that God has already picked out for Andy and I. He has equipped us and prepared out hearts for them. I pray that even now as they are in their story that God is preparing their hearts to come into our home. I pray that they would know even on their darkest days that this family out here is praying for them, we are longing for them, that we have jumped through every hoop/training/red tape to be able to read them a bedtime story. They are worth every last piece of paperwork and so much more! Their story has started but God is not done writing that story and Andy and I are over here in eager anticipation of how God will continue to write that story and where that will lead our family. I may not know their names, their stories, their ages, their gender...but I long for them. I wait patiently (and not so patient on days) for them...
Join us in praying for the coming weeks and months as our story continues to unfold...
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