Up to my ears in beautiful crap...

Quite Literally...

I had an epic night last night of parenting. I had not gone to sleep yet but at 11 L2 woke up crying, had peed, and had taken her diaper off. I put on a new diaper, rocked, and put her back to sleep...she thought she was up for the day. Finally sleep prevailed. At 4AM K-ditty woke up and had pooped herself and was very upset as she is not a fan of having accidents. Got her changed...she too decided she was up for the day and decided to turn on her lights and look for waldo while she waited for the sun to wake. Finally sleep prevailed for her too. At 5:30 L3 woke and was ready for her day and needed a bottle. Sleep never prevailed for her. At 7 L1 and L2 woke up and had pooped and taken their diaper off and L2 had poop EVERYWHERE...every slat of that crib, in her fro, on her fingers, on her toes...L1 kept saying poop poo poop poo and pointing...so Andy was working late and I have 1 hour to get them ready for their visit...meanwhile Kditty is loosing her mind in her room because baby L is missing (they share a room- I had taken her to feed her and she was downstairs in an exersaucer) and then once that was over she was loosing her mind cause I had not cracked the door enough and then because I cracked the door too much (oh the life of a three year old) and while Baby L was in exersaucer she peed through her diaper and made a puddle...yes a puddle at the bottom of the exersaucer...so she was soaked...and then all the while the dogs got into the trash and then ripped up a toy block (the least of my concerns)...oh and a sippy cup I chose had a hole or a crack in it so milk was EVERYWHERE...but at 9am everyone went on a visit or their respected place of hang out...dad went to sleep and mom...mom is at the coffee shop...mom is blogging...mom is talking to Jesus. Mom might go shopping, mom might get a pedicure, mom might fall asleep...but in a very strange strange strange way...in a way I can't explain in words I know I am where I am supposed to be. If I didn't have the stress and pressure to have them all ready for their visit and for them to look their best when they went I probably would have just laughed. It still would and will suck to clean it all up (Thanks to a husband who did that) but this morning I lost my cool, I was frustrated, and I was/am very tired. Parenting is not for the faint at heart. Parenting kids with trauma is really not for the faint at heart. Parenting through and with bodily fluids is just plain gross...

But I think it's in these moments that I can clearly see the picture of Jesus. The more I parent the more mad props I have to give to God. If we could fist bump I think there would be lots of that going on. As I sit here thinking about the girls this morning I have no doubt that there are countless days that God is left with a momma bear that has all her crap smeared around and yet a smile on my face. I look to Him out of helplessness because I know I have made a mess and yet for the life of me can't figure out how to clean it up. Everywhere I move on my own keeps making it worse and makes more of a mess. It is only when I cling to him that the crap gets cleared away, that I start to smell more like lavender, and less like feces. It is only then that I can find any sort of comfort at all. So I cleaned poop- in reality it's not my first time I have done this (it's the first time to this magnitude with SO many at the same time) but I have done it before and I am confident I will do it again (cringe). Its part of loving these little girls. I love them enough not to leave them in their crap. In that same way God has taken my sin before and he takes it again and again (cringe) and that is what He does...because He loves me too much to let me sit in my own crap. He invites me to sit on His lap and very graciously clean me up and send me back into the world only to get to do it again. He loves me. He wants only the very best for me and wants me to walk my day free of feces but if cleaning that is what He has to do first He does...over and over and over again. Same with all of my kiddos regardless their struggle or fecal matter (literally or figuratively) I will love them over and over again. I will get frustrated with them. I will come armed with bags upon bags of wipes...or maybe just the water hose. But I will do it out of and with love. I will stick with them till they are restored and then I will hold them near and comfort them till they are ready to go, be brave and face the world again. Parenting is our way day in and day out to show our kids practical love that maybe one day they will be able to see the character of Jesus in our love for them.

That's my prayer today- that God would meet me in my crap and that he would help me to love others in theirs and that by His grace we would all get clean!