My heart...

Oh my heart! I am trying to work and I have too much on my heart to process before I can process work e-mails this morning. Today it has officially one month since we said yes to our first placement. How can such a short time change your life so much? There is so much about my life that has changed and yet here is my heart in all of this...

I'm refreshed- Vacation was beautiful. It was a blessing. It was reconnection. It was slow and intentional and more slowness. There were books, coffee, discussions, beaches, sunsets, and sleeping in (although I think 8am is the latest I really slept in). My soul and heart was taken care of. I was loved well and I loved well. It was much needed and am forever grateful for all the hands it took to make that happen.

I'm grieving- On the way back from in the O'hare airport Andy and I watched as a man looked us right in the eyes as he passed and then went into cardiac arrest, fell out of his wheel chair, and where a pilot stopped to do compressions. It went on for about 30 minutes and when they finally left on a stretcher he was still not breathing on his own and was blue but the EMT's were trying so very hard and had to get him out of that terminal. I still can see the man's face...I can see his brother's face as he was on the phone frantically in tears saying "He's dying". The counting as the did compressions, the urgency, the helplessness...it's been four days and I still find myself thinking about him and his family daily. It was rough...

I'm happy- There are no words to describe the happiness I felt in my heart when we went and picked up Kadence from Grandma's and she wrapped her arms and legs around me and squealed with delight to see me and then immediately asked to see her sisters. Then the smiles and giggles on all the girls as we play and they start to figure out we are all in this for the long haul. I am also happy that Andy is so engaged as a daddy. There is so much of our life that can be overwhelming but man when he picks up a baby my heart melts over and over again.

I'm hurting- Hearing our girls' story yesterday broke this momma bears heart. It hurts that the world was ugly to them. It hurts that because of that they hurt and are confused. My heart bleeds for them and for the pain they have walked through. I'm hurting as I wrestle with what my life would ever look like if the courts decided they were not for us (if everything goes as scheduled hopefully I will have the answers to that before school starts)...I'm hurting that in order for my dreams to come true to parent these girls someone elses rights have to be terminated...there is hurt and grief in that and I do not take that responsibility lightly. Last night Halena was watching Parenthood on netflix and it was the episode where the adoption doesn't go through. I had to get up and walk away as tears streamed down my face so I could do the ugly cry. Remembering watching that episode a mere week before Miss K was born and weeping with fear. Then watching it last night as I had a sleeping baby strapped to me...I weeped again. I don't know how to love just a little bit. I only know how to love with my whole heart and all in. There are a lot of things that weigh in on my hurting heart.

I'm thankful- I'm thankful for all the people that have stepped in to help, brought a meal, organized closets, did laundry, fed a baby, to the therapists that take time with my kiddos, to my staff that have rocked it...there is just so much stinking gratitude in my heart. I am thankful to my two teenagers that have been so filled with grace towards each other, the babies, and to Andy and I...our whole house has been transitioning and that is hard work on everyones part. I am thankful for our caseworkers and parent aid...I love them! I love that our parent aid advocated for us to change our visit days so they are now on Tuesday/Thursdays...sooooo that means that my girls can go to preschool on Mon/Wed/Friday and finally have some predictability and routine to their life.

I'm scared- I am scared because this next week I am taking my big noisy family to a church camp for the week where I am speaking for the week. I am scared to mess up life again for them. I am scared to sleep in an RV with all these babies-LOL. I'm scared for the months to come...scared of the many many decisions I am not in control of but directly effect my family...

I'm lonely- They warned us in training that you wouldn't be able to relate to people and I was skeptical and thought truly my transparency would set me above the bar here. I couldn't possibly be lonely in this. But I have figured out in my short month that we as a culture, myself included, are not good listeners. We are not fully present with people. We aim to compare our kiddos, to find a way to relate and finish peoples stories...sometimes I just want to scream...I know people want to be heard...I know people want to normalize things I am walking through as just being a mom...but it's different. My littles don't know when I walk out of the room that I am coming back, they don't know when we eat that they will get another meal, they don't know that they are safe, they don't know that they shouldn't say I love you to complete strangers. They don't know why so many people in their life are called mommy and daddy. They don't know that their bed is their bed and that their home is their home. I as their mom can't tell you their favorite foods, their favorite color, what shows or characters they like. I am blindly parenting children that I love but that they don't know me and don't trust me fully yet and they can;t communicate their needs. It's hard work. It's good work but it's hard work. I know parenting is hard. I know having more than one kid is hard work. Hear me when I say that this hard work and though a lot of our stories of being moms are the same there are somethings that you have walked through and things that I have walked through that will forever not be the same and that is totally okay. I will forever not understand breastfeeding and labor and that's okay but you will also not understand fully parenting through trauma. It's is beautiful and I am so grateful that I have so many people in my life that are desperate to walk through life with me even when it gets hard and I am so grateful and I truly value all of my friendships but sometimes in the stillness of my heart I am still lonely... and the place I feel  the safest when I am in the comfort of my own home with people that get me and get my family and extend some serious grace to my littles.

I am at peace- I prayed for this...not like as a badge of honor...but as a deep breathe sigh out of seeing how God answers. For the longest time when I prayed for a black baby girl I thought God got my prayers mixed up when He gave me Jada (still so appreciative for that but really thought He missed the memo). When I prayed for multiple babies, when I prayed for stories with all of the things we were seeking in a placement (so much of this I can't share on this platform) I see unfolding infront of me. I just got a new planner and as I was switching over things I saw that in December I had written out specific goals for the next three years and in the matter of 5 months almost all of the things I desired to have in three years we have now going into June. I also wrote myself a little note that said God is working, even when I can't see Him he knows my heart and He is at work. So there is this crazy amount of peace knowing that this is where I am supposed to be, these are my kiddos, these kiddos were set apart to be part of my family...I fiercely pray everyday that it is forever.

I am in love- My gosh I have an amazing husband! He's the real MVP. It might be because it is our anniversary but my heart overflows appreciation for that man. He is incredible and is probably the reason after so many years and especially after this month that I am still standing. He leads me closer to Jesus, he sings Jesus loves me to our babies, he is patient with me and loving and gentle. He is fun and full of a fierce selfless love and with I look at him I get butterflies...EVERY.SINGLE.TIME

Hearts are crazy things...they can wrestle and process so much and you can look at me as a hot mess or as a woman that longs to be as transparent as I can be with you in this journey. My heart is learning, adapting, figuring out our new normal and all of these things my heart is processing meshes together to make me and today I am embracing that and grateful for the heart God has given me and for how deeply it loves and how strong it feels each and every piece of this journey.

Thanks for bearing with me and letting me walk through this with you...thank you for taking the beautiful parts of my heart and loving the parts that are broken and hurting...I in no means have this figured out but this is me one month in...