So it's been awhile since I posted...June was a crazy month physically, mentally, and emotionally both at work and in my personal life. I have had a lot on my plate this last month and it has showed signs of wear and tear for all those involved...
But I felt like I wanted to write and it wouldn't all fit into a facebook post and so blogging it is...
So, at this part of my journey into motherhood I am learning empathy, empathy for moms...mom's that I judged, friends that I judged, people I swore I would never be like, people I couldn't relate to...I am now realizing my error in having it "all figured out".
I remember going through this same phase when I got married. I had all of these expectations or thoughts in my head about how certain things would go like work, church, friends, date nights, daily tasks, family time, etc. I got frustrated when I would see new married people doing things the "wrong way". I knew that I was better off because I knew how to be a wife the "right way". I learned quickly that some of my "expectations" were not going to be met nor would I be able to keep up with most of the things I thought I was going to do as a wife (i.e. make breakfast daily for my husband and have a spotless house) some of them were so outlandish (lol- probably not the ones listed above...but maybe) that not even Nicolas Sparks could keep up. Andy and I over the last 6 years have worked through all of that and probably will continue when/if my little perceptions of married life rear their ugly head. Through all of this what you end up with is a refined marriage that was/is way better than I could have put together in my fantasies or that Nicolas Sparks could have written about. So I find myself when others are getting married to lend a helpful hand and give them the good ole "If I would have known then what I know now" speech...the same speech I give multiple teenagers on any given week, well same title not the same content-lol
So here I am six years later with a baby girl and finding out the same is true of motherhood. I think I secretly thought in motherhood there were more hours in a day let alone all of my other perceptions. I am learning that I am in no way, shape, or form good at getting everything done in a day that I need to. I am learning that I need a full 8 hours of sleep to be functioning. I am learning that a once vain girl is finding it really hard to find the energy to do my hair or put on make-up (things that used to be non-negotiable). I am also learning that I, who am naturally an extrovert, really really really craves being a homebody. I love more than anything NOT being around people but to just sit and cuddle with Kadence. I know I should probably want to have friends or do things in my free time but at the same time that seems like a lot of work and I don't really have the energy for that either. So, I find myself sitting at home, curled up with my little family and soaking in my perfect little life. I used to think it was narrow minded when I had friends that had babies and they dropped off the face of the earth, they were real hard to get ahold of, and they never could do anything, or they would become really cliquey with other moms of babies. I vowed that I would not be that friend and yet here I am. I crave being with Kadence by myself (or with Andy and Jada) more than any single thing in my life currently. Or I find myself wanting to be with other moms so I can just watch our babies interact. So, I have in-turn done the same things to my friends. I also am finding I have more empathy for the moms with screaming babies at Walmart in the middle of the night (because we all know we don't take screaming babies to target), screaming babies at restaurants, mom's that "let themselves go", and making other detrimental "mom mistakes". I think I had this realization that my empathy level had sky rocketed when I was talking to another mom and we were talking about a baby that had died in a car because he/she had been left in there without the parent knowing. We were talking about how prior to having an infant those parents would have been labeled "horrible" or "what were they thinking" or "how could you ever" and now that we ourselves are parents of little ones our reaction was more like "I wonder how exhausted they were" "Was he/she colicky" "I can't even fathom having to live with that the rest of your life" all of a sudden something so tragic, which is still tragic is more of not "how dare them" but "oh, how terribly sorry I am." I find myself realizing my empathy radar going up all over the place for moms, for working moms, for police moms, for single moms, for moms whose husbands work nights, for moms that try and fail, for moms all over the world that are figuring it out just like me.
There is nothing sweeter in the whole world to me than my little family. I am exhausted but only because I play hard during the day, and I live life to the fullest with my little girl and out little family. I have prayed for many many years for the life that I am living currently so I will do the only thing I know how to do and lean into my loving father. He knows that my intentions are pure. He knows that I am doing my best. He knows that I am learning day by day. He knows that Kadence is my world, that she is the sunshine on my cloudy day and He has showered me in grace and love.
So here I am learning the life lesson on judging others and what it means to empathize with people who are just like me on this journey.
On a side note- it has been a huge blessing to be able to meet with, talk on the phone with, or e-mail people that our struggling with infertility, PCOS, and starting the adoption process that have reached out to me. I had no idea when starting this blog that God was going to use my transparency to minister to others and that they then would not have to walk through the trenches and the unknown by themselves. This has been a true blessing through all of this and something I enjoy with my whole heart!
See why this wouldn't all fit in a facebook status- lol
Friday, July 5, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
They grow up so fast!
I was thinking about how I haven't posted lately and that I am not sure when I would have posted but felt like it was something that needed to happen tonight.
Kadence is officially 15 weeks old and every day she impresses me with how she is growing! She is one smart cookie :)
Although Kadence is still on the petite side fitting in some newborn clothes still and up to 3-6 month clothing depending on the brand and style of clothing. She is growing leaps and bounds and is so dang smart. Since my last writing she has successfully moved from her tummy to her back (multiple times- unless she is watching tv) and her back to her tummy (only a handful of times- mostly still getting stuck on her arms as she rolls over). She successfully sleeps in her crib 12 hours at night (her preference is to sleep on her side and sometimes she successfully turns in a complete circle from the time I put her down till the time of her waking), is downing about 7 oz, and is loving the invention of her hand! She still loves being swaddled at night, going on stroller walks, and laughing at her pink pinwheel we got from the target $1 bins. She has recently discovered her voice and how to make it loud and soft on purpose and how to have in-depth conversations with her pet giraffe. She has experienced her first play date, her first royals game, her first sleepover at my parents house! She is a girl that LOVES people (when the Parents as Teacher lady comes over and brings toys, she could care less about the toys and would rather the lady talk to her)! The only time Kadence is fussy is when she is wet or hungry. The only time she cries what we have named the tired cry is when the child needs a nap- the tired cry is horrible! Luckily I can usually catch her before she gets there and that makes everyone's life easier. This baby girl likes her sleep and it doesn't matter how cool you are or how much you want to play...when she wants to sleep, she sleeps :) Other than that Kadence is a VERY laid back baby girl- she loves doing pretty much anything and is happy shopping, or at the park, or just playing on the floor. Andy and I find ourselves laughing with her and at her more and more every day! She has such a fun personality and a smile that can light up a whole room...
I remember when our social worker came and did our first "post-placement" visit and she was like, "So, tell me about Kadence and her personality." I remember Andy and I laughing after she left and being like...well, she poops, pees, sleeps, and cries :) We were in love with her, knew she was special, but felt like the things we could "pick out" about her personality were similar to most babies her age. It's crazy to think at the end of this month our social worker will be out for her second post placement visit and how much our life has changed since then.
Andy and I are leaps and bounds more in love with her than on the night we met her for the first time (I didn't think that was possible)! Kadence officially has Andy wrapped around her finger...it's so cute! Watching Andy be a dad is seriously one of my most treasured parts of my day.
Kadence has recently discovered the TV...I honestly wish it never would have happened! I noticed it the first time while I was feeding her and I was watching the bachelorette on the ipad (don't judge me)...the ipad was behind Kadence propped up on a pillow so only I could see it...the whole time I was trying to feed her she kept arching her back and trying to fling her head back to see the ipad- I let her figure it out and then she just stared mesmerized by it. Then we were downstairs a few days later watching myth busters and Kadence was doing tummy time. We moved her so she was facing us instead of the tv and she started crying. We turned her back around thinking surely not...and that was indeed was she was fussing about. Since we have noticed her fascination with the colors and sounds of the tv, I have tried making better choices with my netflix so today we watched some colorful sea animals parade around on the TV.
Kadence has discovered herself in the mirror (a sight that always makes her smile), her hands and her feet, Jada (someone that also makes her smile), and trees- Oh, my word this child likes to be outside! Andy has put a hammock in our backyard and whenever I can't find Kadence and Andy that's where they are! They could sit out there for hours and sometimes do. The other night they were out there and we had the christmas lights (this time of year we call them ambiance lights) on the deck and Kadence was coo-ing, Andy was talking to her, and I like a creeper was sitting on the deck just breathing in God's goodness.
I could go on and on and on about all the other amazing things that Kadence can do, or what she notices, or how God blesses us through her on any given day but I think that I will stop there and tell you that I am in love! Each day this roller coaster gets faster but each day I love it more and more! I think Andy and I have found our niche in life!
P.s. for those concerned I have recently started doing crock-pot meals AND grocery shopping so we are having warm meals and actually have fruits and veggies in our house again! I have found a rhythm with work that doesn't make me feel utterly overwhelmed and yet I am still productive. I am managing to get in quiet time with Jesus and spend time in His word and praying in color...the last thing to reel in is the pesky housework...:)
Thanks for following us in this amazing God Journey!
Kadence is officially 15 weeks old and every day she impresses me with how she is growing! She is one smart cookie :)
Although Kadence is still on the petite side fitting in some newborn clothes still and up to 3-6 month clothing depending on the brand and style of clothing. She is growing leaps and bounds and is so dang smart. Since my last writing she has successfully moved from her tummy to her back (multiple times- unless she is watching tv) and her back to her tummy (only a handful of times- mostly still getting stuck on her arms as she rolls over). She successfully sleeps in her crib 12 hours at night (her preference is to sleep on her side and sometimes she successfully turns in a complete circle from the time I put her down till the time of her waking), is downing about 7 oz, and is loving the invention of her hand! She still loves being swaddled at night, going on stroller walks, and laughing at her pink pinwheel we got from the target $1 bins. She has recently discovered her voice and how to make it loud and soft on purpose and how to have in-depth conversations with her pet giraffe. She has experienced her first play date, her first royals game, her first sleepover at my parents house! She is a girl that LOVES people (when the Parents as Teacher lady comes over and brings toys, she could care less about the toys and would rather the lady talk to her)! The only time Kadence is fussy is when she is wet or hungry. The only time she cries what we have named the tired cry is when the child needs a nap- the tired cry is horrible! Luckily I can usually catch her before she gets there and that makes everyone's life easier. This baby girl likes her sleep and it doesn't matter how cool you are or how much you want to play...when she wants to sleep, she sleeps :) Other than that Kadence is a VERY laid back baby girl- she loves doing pretty much anything and is happy shopping, or at the park, or just playing on the floor. Andy and I find ourselves laughing with her and at her more and more every day! She has such a fun personality and a smile that can light up a whole room...
I remember when our social worker came and did our first "post-placement" visit and she was like, "So, tell me about Kadence and her personality." I remember Andy and I laughing after she left and being like...well, she poops, pees, sleeps, and cries :) We were in love with her, knew she was special, but felt like the things we could "pick out" about her personality were similar to most babies her age. It's crazy to think at the end of this month our social worker will be out for her second post placement visit and how much our life has changed since then.
Andy and I are leaps and bounds more in love with her than on the night we met her for the first time (I didn't think that was possible)! Kadence officially has Andy wrapped around her finger...it's so cute! Watching Andy be a dad is seriously one of my most treasured parts of my day.
Kadence has recently discovered the TV...I honestly wish it never would have happened! I noticed it the first time while I was feeding her and I was watching the bachelorette on the ipad (don't judge me)...the ipad was behind Kadence propped up on a pillow so only I could see it...the whole time I was trying to feed her she kept arching her back and trying to fling her head back to see the ipad- I let her figure it out and then she just stared mesmerized by it. Then we were downstairs a few days later watching myth busters and Kadence was doing tummy time. We moved her so she was facing us instead of the tv and she started crying. We turned her back around thinking surely not...and that was indeed was she was fussing about. Since we have noticed her fascination with the colors and sounds of the tv, I have tried making better choices with my netflix so today we watched some colorful sea animals parade around on the TV.
Kadence has discovered herself in the mirror (a sight that always makes her smile), her hands and her feet, Jada (someone that also makes her smile), and trees- Oh, my word this child likes to be outside! Andy has put a hammock in our backyard and whenever I can't find Kadence and Andy that's where they are! They could sit out there for hours and sometimes do. The other night they were out there and we had the christmas lights (this time of year we call them ambiance lights) on the deck and Kadence was coo-ing, Andy was talking to her, and I like a creeper was sitting on the deck just breathing in God's goodness.
I could go on and on and on about all the other amazing things that Kadence can do, or what she notices, or how God blesses us through her on any given day but I think that I will stop there and tell you that I am in love! Each day this roller coaster gets faster but each day I love it more and more! I think Andy and I have found our niche in life!
P.s. for those concerned I have recently started doing crock-pot meals AND grocery shopping so we are having warm meals and actually have fruits and veggies in our house again! I have found a rhythm with work that doesn't make me feel utterly overwhelmed and yet I am still productive. I am managing to get in quiet time with Jesus and spend time in His word and praying in color...the last thing to reel in is the pesky housework...:)
Thanks for following us in this amazing God Journey!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Cherishing the little things...
This morning I walked out of the shower and I could hear giggling coming from down stairs...I peaked around the corner and saw Andy, Jada, and Kadence all piled on to our ottoman. Andy and Kadence where mesmerized by each other and were lost in a conversation of giggles and coos. Jada would break in for kisses here and there and immediately I was filled with love! This is what I have dreamed about since the day I was a little girl...this was better than any make believe house I had played out when I was a little girl. The amount of joy that was in our house over something so small as looking in a mirror and cooing at each other was surreal.
I went in and continued to get ready and tears welled up in my eyes and I immediately felt God's grace pouring over me. Who am I that I would get blessed with this husband who is tender, generous, loving and passionate. God chose a man for me that everyday in living out his life I would be reminded of God's love for me. I love not being able to find my husband and then hear something outside and there he is sitting at the table reading his Bible, or smaller things like when the baby has a wet diaper and as I am getting up he offers to change her so I don't have to do it. It is his constant devotion to our family that blows me away. I am confident that it is God's grace that makes this all possible because Andy and I without Jesus is not a pretty sight, but what Jesus brings to our marriage...what Jesus brings to Andy as a dad and to him as a husband can not be learned by any parenting book or any other conventional learning means. What we have in our family is ONLY by the grace of God, Andy and I cannot take credit for any of it.
I am all too aware that we are the minority in our society in the fact that we have a thriving marriage and family unit. My heart is heavy in longing for others to find what we have found. I long for others to know the beauty of sacrificial love. I long for children to be raised to know that they have parents that love each other and are committed to parent them and their primary role is NOT to be their child's friend. I will cherish the love that Andy and I have found, count our blessings, and lean into raising Kadence to know God's love too...so that she too can experience the beauty of this kind of love from her future husband. (When she is like 55 of course...till then she won't be dating-lol)
Till next time-
I went in and continued to get ready and tears welled up in my eyes and I immediately felt God's grace pouring over me. Who am I that I would get blessed with this husband who is tender, generous, loving and passionate. God chose a man for me that everyday in living out his life I would be reminded of God's love for me. I love not being able to find my husband and then hear something outside and there he is sitting at the table reading his Bible, or smaller things like when the baby has a wet diaper and as I am getting up he offers to change her so I don't have to do it. It is his constant devotion to our family that blows me away. I am confident that it is God's grace that makes this all possible because Andy and I without Jesus is not a pretty sight, but what Jesus brings to our marriage...what Jesus brings to Andy as a dad and to him as a husband can not be learned by any parenting book or any other conventional learning means. What we have in our family is ONLY by the grace of God, Andy and I cannot take credit for any of it.
I am all too aware that we are the minority in our society in the fact that we have a thriving marriage and family unit. My heart is heavy in longing for others to find what we have found. I long for others to know the beauty of sacrificial love. I long for children to be raised to know that they have parents that love each other and are committed to parent them and their primary role is NOT to be their child's friend. I will cherish the love that Andy and I have found, count our blessings, and lean into raising Kadence to know God's love too...so that she too can experience the beauty of this kind of love from her future husband. (When she is like 55 of course...till then she won't be dating-lol)
Till next time-
Friday, May 17, 2013
The fear in LOVE...
Have you ever loved someone? Do you know the vulnerability that comes with TRUE love? I have known love in loving my husband, my family, and some very close friends...I never knew love with a child...with my child.
People always told me that in marriage my love for my husband would grow over time. I knew that to be true but was kind of fearful for Andy because I was crazy in love with him when we got married. But, here we are, 6 years later and my love for Andy is deeper and richer than it ever possibly could have been on our wedding day. I look forward to watching our love continue to grow as we go through life together.
Then bring in Kadence,another love that people described would grow over time. So much of my first few days with Kadence felt like babysitting. Even when we were home it still kind of felt like babysitting. I was in awe of her but I was secretly waiting for one of my teens to come in my front door and say thanks for watching her and take her home. I knew what it was like to babysit, I knew what it was like to love little ones and become very attached to them. I did not know what it felt like for Kadence to not leave after a day, a week, and now 3 months.
I have now gotten to experience her first smile, her first giggle, her first grasp of my finger, her first blow out diaper, her first congested nose, her first time taking antibiotics or children's tylenol, her first and second and third trip to the doctor. We've experienced lots of mishaps with each other as I adapt to being a new mom- like eating pizza and the parmesan cheese falls all over her and she looks like she has been in a snow storm, not having a prepared diaper bag (forgetting wipes or a bottle), my "wobble" as I carry her from place to place as I am sure that a 5 ft 4 woman is not supposed to balance easily with a car seat carrier. Through all of this: our late night feeds, countless trips to target, and our genuine love for each other somewhere along the way we became mother and daughter. Kadence trusts me that when she is in need I will come to her, she snuggles closer into to me than before, and her and I have this connection that if she is fussy I can just hold her close and we get through the fussiness together. Somewhere along the way she became my daughter...
I realized this transition happened this past weekend (I'm confident it happened before then but it has become VERY evident now) when we were celebrating mother's day and I woke up in a panic that someone was coming to take Kadence away from me. Satan's lies were all geared up and ready for the day as he paraded lies like "You're not her REAL mother" "It's not even official yet" "Baby daddy hasn't signed papers" "You're such a fraud" Starting mother's day this way was not how I planned. I was surrounded by deep sadness for our birth mom as I could not imagine the depth or emotions of this day for her. Right as I was praying for our birth mom, I get a text, it's from birth mom and she's wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day. As I started to talk with God I realized that somewhere I made the journey of being Kadence's babysitter and guardian to being Kadence's mother. With adoption there is a 6 month time in the state of Missouri before things become official...we are half way there...but I think when I was in babysitter/guardian mode the thoughts of the what if's did not enter my brain. But here I am now as Kadence's mother and loving her so much that the fears of the what if's are enough to keep me up at night.
As I sit here watching Kadence sleep, I remember back to sitting in the court room. I remember the judge asking, "Kylie are you prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to fight for Kadence if it were to come to that (if baby daddy decided to come back into the picture and fight for his rights)?" Those words today send me in to panic, worry, and fear. My response then was, "No, I'm not prepared but if it were to come to that we would get there" He asked again (I think I was supposed to say yes), "Are you prepared..." I know he wanted me to say yes emotionally I was prepared and could handle to fight for Kadence and potentially loose her. That was a lie! I am and will be ready to fight for Kadence any day of the week as it pertains to paternity, a bully fighting her on the playground, any sort of medical condition, or anything else that might come her way. I have signed up for a lifetime of fighting for her- being her biggest advocate and loving her through all of her lows and highs. I will fight for her...the part I couldn't get on board with was the emotionally prepared if it came to an end...That friends I am not prepared for. There is not enough prayer in the world, not enough books, not enough support, not enough of ANYTHING to prepare me for that. I would be a wreck! I would be worse than a wreck! It would be life shattering, pick Kylie off of the ground, horrible grief and pain for years and years...There are no words for the amount of pain I perceive that would be and that's with me having nothing to compare that magnitude of pain to.
But then just I am being taken aback by the emotion that comes with that fear in that same moment I am reminded about all of the love, fear, prayer, trust, and just falling before Jesus on your knees there is in this adoption. Want to get closer to Jesus? I am confident that starting the adoption process is a sure fire way to get with Jesus...it will rock your world! It more so than anything in my world thus far has reminded me of how little I am. How much NOT in control I am and how I am not God...and yet we keep moving forward. God has hand picked this child for me, there is no court document that could articulate it differently (and that's probably what scares me deep down more because I know the court system is broken and is not Jesus)...
This Sunday is Kadence's dedication! Andy and I along with our friends and family will stand before our church and commit to raising Kadence in a godly home. We will raise her to love Jesus! Part of that teaching her to love Jesus is Andy and I radically abandoning our own fears and leaning in to Jesus. He brought us this far and we are trusting Him to complete this good and perfect work in us and that He has a plan for Kadence and her future and that He will lovingly protect her through all of the legal/paperwork side of adoption. We are choosing to trust Jesus with our hearts and our fears...
Just as I love Andy more and more each day as I see him grow in his love for Jesus, others, our community, Kadence and myself...my love for Kadence grows more and more each day as I am filled with this love that I can not describe...it's a fighter kind of a love, it's a reckless kind of a love, it's an unconditional type of love, it's a warm fuzzy kind of love, it's a love that I truly believe there are no words for...it's a mother's love
People always told me that in marriage my love for my husband would grow over time. I knew that to be true but was kind of fearful for Andy because I was crazy in love with him when we got married. But, here we are, 6 years later and my love for Andy is deeper and richer than it ever possibly could have been on our wedding day. I look forward to watching our love continue to grow as we go through life together.
Then bring in Kadence,another love that people described would grow over time. So much of my first few days with Kadence felt like babysitting. Even when we were home it still kind of felt like babysitting. I was in awe of her but I was secretly waiting for one of my teens to come in my front door and say thanks for watching her and take her home. I knew what it was like to babysit, I knew what it was like to love little ones and become very attached to them. I did not know what it felt like for Kadence to not leave after a day, a week, and now 3 months.
I have now gotten to experience her first smile, her first giggle, her first grasp of my finger, her first blow out diaper, her first congested nose, her first time taking antibiotics or children's tylenol, her first and second and third trip to the doctor. We've experienced lots of mishaps with each other as I adapt to being a new mom- like eating pizza and the parmesan cheese falls all over her and she looks like she has been in a snow storm, not having a prepared diaper bag (forgetting wipes or a bottle), my "wobble" as I carry her from place to place as I am sure that a 5 ft 4 woman is not supposed to balance easily with a car seat carrier. Through all of this: our late night feeds, countless trips to target, and our genuine love for each other somewhere along the way we became mother and daughter. Kadence trusts me that when she is in need I will come to her, she snuggles closer into to me than before, and her and I have this connection that if she is fussy I can just hold her close and we get through the fussiness together. Somewhere along the way she became my daughter...
I realized this transition happened this past weekend (I'm confident it happened before then but it has become VERY evident now) when we were celebrating mother's day and I woke up in a panic that someone was coming to take Kadence away from me. Satan's lies were all geared up and ready for the day as he paraded lies like "You're not her REAL mother" "It's not even official yet" "Baby daddy hasn't signed papers" "You're such a fraud" Starting mother's day this way was not how I planned. I was surrounded by deep sadness for our birth mom as I could not imagine the depth or emotions of this day for her. Right as I was praying for our birth mom, I get a text, it's from birth mom and she's wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day. As I started to talk with God I realized that somewhere I made the journey of being Kadence's babysitter and guardian to being Kadence's mother. With adoption there is a 6 month time in the state of Missouri before things become official...we are half way there...but I think when I was in babysitter/guardian mode the thoughts of the what if's did not enter my brain. But here I am now as Kadence's mother and loving her so much that the fears of the what if's are enough to keep me up at night.
As I sit here watching Kadence sleep, I remember back to sitting in the court room. I remember the judge asking, "Kylie are you prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to fight for Kadence if it were to come to that (if baby daddy decided to come back into the picture and fight for his rights)?" Those words today send me in to panic, worry, and fear. My response then was, "No, I'm not prepared but if it were to come to that we would get there" He asked again (I think I was supposed to say yes), "Are you prepared..." I know he wanted me to say yes emotionally I was prepared and could handle to fight for Kadence and potentially loose her. That was a lie! I am and will be ready to fight for Kadence any day of the week as it pertains to paternity, a bully fighting her on the playground, any sort of medical condition, or anything else that might come her way. I have signed up for a lifetime of fighting for her- being her biggest advocate and loving her through all of her lows and highs. I will fight for her...the part I couldn't get on board with was the emotionally prepared if it came to an end...That friends I am not prepared for. There is not enough prayer in the world, not enough books, not enough support, not enough of ANYTHING to prepare me for that. I would be a wreck! I would be worse than a wreck! It would be life shattering, pick Kylie off of the ground, horrible grief and pain for years and years...There are no words for the amount of pain I perceive that would be and that's with me having nothing to compare that magnitude of pain to.
But then just I am being taken aback by the emotion that comes with that fear in that same moment I am reminded about all of the love, fear, prayer, trust, and just falling before Jesus on your knees there is in this adoption. Want to get closer to Jesus? I am confident that starting the adoption process is a sure fire way to get with Jesus...it will rock your world! It more so than anything in my world thus far has reminded me of how little I am. How much NOT in control I am and how I am not God...and yet we keep moving forward. God has hand picked this child for me, there is no court document that could articulate it differently (and that's probably what scares me deep down more because I know the court system is broken and is not Jesus)...
This Sunday is Kadence's dedication! Andy and I along with our friends and family will stand before our church and commit to raising Kadence in a godly home. We will raise her to love Jesus! Part of that teaching her to love Jesus is Andy and I radically abandoning our own fears and leaning in to Jesus. He brought us this far and we are trusting Him to complete this good and perfect work in us and that He has a plan for Kadence and her future and that He will lovingly protect her through all of the legal/paperwork side of adoption. We are choosing to trust Jesus with our hearts and our fears...
Just as I love Andy more and more each day as I see him grow in his love for Jesus, others, our community, Kadence and myself...my love for Kadence grows more and more each day as I am filled with this love that I can not describe...it's a fighter kind of a love, it's a reckless kind of a love, it's an unconditional type of love, it's a warm fuzzy kind of love, it's a love that I truly believe there are no words for...it's a mother's love
Friday, May 10, 2013
The balanced mother?
I think I made a mistake when I took maternity leave (I mean this highly sarcastically but there is probably a thin line of truth in there). When I was on maternity leave there was time for family, cooking, cleaning...I had meals on the table, laundry done, and slept well, experienced little to no stress, had so much time for visitors and friends...it was a simple life. I was missing my teens at work desperately but my life I was experiencing was not something I could relate to. I enjoyed it, it was just surreal...fast-forward to this week where I am struggling to wonder if balance will ever be restored to my life.
I will preface this train of thought (minor rant) with telling you that I have had a rough week and that much of this paragraph will feel like complaining. I think it is healthy so that you can see that I am very normal: Every ounce of my life this week has felt planned, rushed, out of control, and many people have been in bad moods periodically through this week (including myself). Most of the things I normally really enjoy doing, this week I have not enjoyed them. My house currently looks like a tornado attacked the laundry and then heaped it in my bedroom, I have dishes stacked, and I am pretty sure yesterday when Jada picked something off the floor what she got instead was a dust bunny. There are finally groceries in the fridge (a huge undertaking in of itself), now if there was just someone to make it into a meal. Add on top of all of this- it's the week that Andy works lots of days (every other week on 12's is hell and the opposite week is SUPER). Then add on top the phone calls and texts of this person wanting to see you and that person needing this and wanting that...Then add on top of that graduation parties, weddings, and mother's day this week....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to torch the laundry, throw away all of the dishes, go out to eat- and then lock my husband, my puppy, and my beautiful baby girl up in a place that doesn't get dirty and we can just sit around, laugh, play, and snuggle. I was talking to someone and ranting about my week and they said motherhood is hard and I was like...ummm what part of that was complaining about motherhood...all the things I am complaining about existed pre-Kadence. She is the only thing that makes long weeks fun, de-stresses me, and brings me back to my happy place. The problem is prior to Kadence I didn't realize how fun NOT doing all of the other things in life was. Laundry is REALLY LAME in comparison to rocking a smiley baby girl and talking to her about her amazing daddy.
So what do I do? How do I restore balance to my life so I don't set fire to my house or snap at the next person that wants to hang out with me? More importantly how do I set up a life that creates balance so that as Kadence grows up she understands and values the importance of a healthy balance in life. I believe that as a young woman she will need to learn what it means to be a mom and a wife and in my heart I think that is SO much more than household chores and responsibilities. So, like every good problem that needs fixing I went to pinterest. I have looked up things like "life balance plan", "cleaning schedules", "meal plans"...blah,blah,blah...but I am convinced that the women that have time to make their cleaning schedule pretty, make a printable for it, and then upload it to pinterest are not my same kind of women. One of the ones I saw this morning was a monthly calendar and then at the bottom she had weekly, monthly and daily tasks. Her Daily tasks had 15 things on it, and then the weekly tasks 32 things, and then the monthly another 15 things to do. She has assigned all of them a numerical value and then in every day of the week in the monthly calendar where the numbers associated...so like on May 10th there was numbers 1,4,6,8,9,5,3,12 of and her daily tasks and immediately my reaction was RIGHT!!!!THERE IS NO WAY!!!! I would just be grateful if I got her "daily tasks" done once a week.
There has got to be a better way, a way that doesn't bring about guilt when something on the list doesn't get done. A way that gives grace when you are 3 days in and still no hot meal on the table. I think deep down I am even angry that there is a to do list at all...I don't want Kadence to grow up in a family that's driven by a to do list or the calendar...and so I leave pinterest and go to God's word arguably where I should have been all along and I sit in His grace. I know that my worth and His love for me is not defined by how many meals I made, e-mails I returned, loads of laundry I did. He has called me to love Him, my husband, my daughter, and those less fortunate than me. So instead of checking off the to do list, I find my self reflecting How well did I love Jesus this week? How did I show Andy love this week? How did I love Kadence this week? How did I love my friends at Pro Deo this week?
There has go to be a fine line between "pinterest mommy perfection" and "world's ultimate hoarder" and I think I am getting there...I am a mommy that loves Jesus, her family, her community and will strive each day to love them more. I'm secretly hoping that out of my intense love for those things that Jesus will give me more hours in the day and send me a whole host of kids so that we can divide and conquer the long list of chores on pinterest mommy's list- hahahaha.
Till then, here's me leaning into living out Love and wrapping grace all around me and breathing...here's to not being all things to all people and the freedom that comes with that!
Till next time...
I will preface this train of thought (minor rant) with telling you that I have had a rough week and that much of this paragraph will feel like complaining. I think it is healthy so that you can see that I am very normal: Every ounce of my life this week has felt planned, rushed, out of control, and many people have been in bad moods periodically through this week (including myself). Most of the things I normally really enjoy doing, this week I have not enjoyed them. My house currently looks like a tornado attacked the laundry and then heaped it in my bedroom, I have dishes stacked, and I am pretty sure yesterday when Jada picked something off the floor what she got instead was a dust bunny. There are finally groceries in the fridge (a huge undertaking in of itself), now if there was just someone to make it into a meal. Add on top of all of this- it's the week that Andy works lots of days (every other week on 12's is hell and the opposite week is SUPER). Then add on top the phone calls and texts of this person wanting to see you and that person needing this and wanting that...Then add on top of that graduation parties, weddings, and mother's day this week....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to torch the laundry, throw away all of the dishes, go out to eat- and then lock my husband, my puppy, and my beautiful baby girl up in a place that doesn't get dirty and we can just sit around, laugh, play, and snuggle. I was talking to someone and ranting about my week and they said motherhood is hard and I was like...ummm what part of that was complaining about motherhood...all the things I am complaining about existed pre-Kadence. She is the only thing that makes long weeks fun, de-stresses me, and brings me back to my happy place. The problem is prior to Kadence I didn't realize how fun NOT doing all of the other things in life was. Laundry is REALLY LAME in comparison to rocking a smiley baby girl and talking to her about her amazing daddy.
So what do I do? How do I restore balance to my life so I don't set fire to my house or snap at the next person that wants to hang out with me? More importantly how do I set up a life that creates balance so that as Kadence grows up she understands and values the importance of a healthy balance in life. I believe that as a young woman she will need to learn what it means to be a mom and a wife and in my heart I think that is SO much more than household chores and responsibilities. So, like every good problem that needs fixing I went to pinterest. I have looked up things like "life balance plan", "cleaning schedules", "meal plans"...blah,blah,blah...but I am convinced that the women that have time to make their cleaning schedule pretty, make a printable for it, and then upload it to pinterest are not my same kind of women. One of the ones I saw this morning was a monthly calendar and then at the bottom she had weekly, monthly and daily tasks. Her Daily tasks had 15 things on it, and then the weekly tasks 32 things, and then the monthly another 15 things to do. She has assigned all of them a numerical value and then in every day of the week in the monthly calendar where the numbers associated...so like on May 10th there was numbers 1,4,6,8,9,5,3,12 of and her daily tasks and immediately my reaction was RIGHT!!!!THERE IS NO WAY!!!! I would just be grateful if I got her "daily tasks" done once a week.
There has got to be a better way, a way that doesn't bring about guilt when something on the list doesn't get done. A way that gives grace when you are 3 days in and still no hot meal on the table. I think deep down I am even angry that there is a to do list at all...I don't want Kadence to grow up in a family that's driven by a to do list or the calendar...and so I leave pinterest and go to God's word arguably where I should have been all along and I sit in His grace. I know that my worth and His love for me is not defined by how many meals I made, e-mails I returned, loads of laundry I did. He has called me to love Him, my husband, my daughter, and those less fortunate than me. So instead of checking off the to do list, I find my self reflecting How well did I love Jesus this week? How did I show Andy love this week? How did I love Kadence this week? How did I love my friends at Pro Deo this week?
There has go to be a fine line between "pinterest mommy perfection" and "world's ultimate hoarder" and I think I am getting there...I am a mommy that loves Jesus, her family, her community and will strive each day to love them more. I'm secretly hoping that out of my intense love for those things that Jesus will give me more hours in the day and send me a whole host of kids so that we can divide and conquer the long list of chores on pinterest mommy's list- hahahaha.
Till then, here's me leaning into living out Love and wrapping grace all around me and breathing...here's to not being all things to all people and the freedom that comes with that!
Till next time...
Monday, April 29, 2013
The smile that heals... (this may be painful to read)
Kadence can smile now, and it's not because of gas or because she has had too much to drink (her milk coma's) it is a smile that warms my heart and fills my soul with joy! I don't know what I would do with out her, especially this week...
This week two years ago- it was a monday much like today...beautiful! I had a couple of meetings but nothing crazy sets apart my day. About two o'clock that day I had a meeting with one of my teens that had talked about killing themselves. We talked about the pain, the hospital stay, and why I had to be the one that called the police and how I could not imagine my life without him. It was emotional but the night before I had researched everything under the sun about suicide because I wanted to understand him greater, wanted to know how I could help. About three or a little later that day I got a call from one of the girls and they couldn't find one of our other teens and said she wasn't answering her phone and wondered if she was with me or if I knew where she was...she wasn't and I didn't. I immediately got in my car and started driving around. I drove to the park, to Lakeland, to the lake...anywhere that had significance...I looked for a broken down car, I looked for signs that would point me anywhere...but I had to find her. I remember being right at Todd George and Langsford and crying out to God saying, "You know where she's at! I am so mad that you won't tell me! God is she okay? God help! God where? God help!" Even remembering the terror in my prayer and the urgency and my tears to Him sends chills all down my body. Right then and there were sirens...and an ambulance appeared out of the flood of cars. And I said to God, she's hurt? she's at the hospital? And I drove home. As I pulled in the driveway I got a call from one of the girls and they said she was at the hospital at Center Point. They didn't know anything but would call as soon as they did. That night was small group and Andy asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I said no- I figured she would be bombarded with family and friends and so I wanted to wait till the rush died down and then I would go. So off to small group we went. I remember being distracted and not being able to focus, watching my phone like crazy waiting for an update. Then the phone rang, I excused myself and walked to the end of their hallway and the man on the other line asked if I was Kylie, he told me he was a detective for Independence police department and wanted to let me know that Emily had taken her life (his words, not mine) and I (not knowing why I would ask such a thing) asked with what or how she did it. He said hand gun. I dropped to the floor gasping for air, crying and not being able to form words. Sobbing, uncontrollable sobbing. He said, "sorry for your loss" and hung up. At this point I am in the bathroom of our friends house, curled up in the fetal position crying tears and feeling an emotion I have never felt before. The amount of pain I was feeling at that moment could not be described. I cried and cried, my husband joined me in the bathroom and I cried and cried and cried, and muttered the words she's gone. And cried and cried...just telling you that I cried brings back the emotion that was in that day. I eventually pulled myself together and put on my "professional" face and told andy straight I have to go find Travis. We have to go to miller J, the kids need to know, we have to tell them, we have to go now...we abruptly told our friends we needed to leave and headed to the park. We went to the park, we told the kids, they cried, they smoked...we all tried to find a way to cope. The phone calls started, first to our board, then to volunteers, and friends, and then my family...Emily was not just a teen (although I would argue that none of my kids are "just another teen" they are my life, my family, they mean everything to me...and Emily even more so because I had been close to her since she was 15. She was one of those girls that could just bring a smile to your face and she warmed my heart. We were vulnerable together in our struggles, in our walk with God...Emily was like a little sister I never had. The next days passed and we had a ton of kids passed out all over our floor (this was beautiful) because it was just to painful for us all to be alone. We all wanted to be moved to action yet we were all paralyzed by our grief. Thursday was the visitation and there were so many people, so many lives effected by her smile, her spirit. I remember walking through and being sad for the family of whoever it was that we were mourning but it not sinking in that it was Emily. Friday we buried her, Friday night we had a candle light vigil. I remember praying that night, I remember before I prayed out loud that I told God I wanted those kids to know that they could be mad, that they could grieve, that God was big enough to hold them in their pain and that we did not have to come to him "pretty". We all went home friday...and somehow life was supposed to go back to normal...it didn't...all summer I hibernated...all summer I grieved...all summer I didn't make a single phone call to check on anyone else, I sat in my pain (looking back I regret this but I couldn't muster up the strength to reach out to anyone). Looking back I wish we would have educated each other on how we grieve because instead of dealing with it we had/have kids that resorted to alcohol, sex, food, cutting, anger, laughing...they all dealt differently with grief and then would get mad at each other when they weren't on the same path. So friendships got strained, and in general life was hard. I cried for 8 weeks straight at church, I wondered if I would ever be able to make it through church and not cry. Days and weeks of loneliness and grief followed. Somewhere I figured out how to suppress the pain...Fall started back and I got into a rhythm...but my rhythm was missing an Emily.
It's been two years this week (last year we went on vacation this week so I didn't have to be in here) since she passed. I am still wounded, I still cry, I still grieve. I try to find her in the weather, and at hobby lobby when I find bedazzled office supplies...but it is just not the same. I want so bad for her passing to mean life change for our city. I want her life to be a change agent in our community, where we rise up and fight for teens and their struggles and we talk about suicide. My life is forever changed because of her passing. I wish desperately that Emily would have gotten to meet Kadence and then I stop and a smirk comes across my face...I have no doubt that she "helped" pick out our little girl. In my head I picture her, my dad, and my grandpa all sitting at a table with God talking about our little girl. Talking to God about what she would look like, how she would smile, what she would like to do, and even the orchestrating of all the little details leading up to Kadence's birth. All of them knew how much I needed to be reminded that God gives and isn't just in the game of taking away. They all knew I had wounds, they all knew I needed a miracle. They all knew how much I needed a little girl of my very own. I think I always would have been grateful for Kadence but I think going through the amount of pain I have gone through in the last 6 years and THEN getting a miracle...makes this miracle all a little sweeter. So, when I look at my little girl and she smiles, it warms my heart...not as a baby smiling at a mommy but as God loving on me, reminding me that He loves me and that He has not given up on us, and that he is still creating miracles in this fallen world. When Kadence smiles I feel My dad tell me Thanks for giving him a granddaughter, and that he is proud of me, and that he loves me. When Kadence smiles I hear my grandpa telling me how beautiful she is and how he wished he could have held her and that I'm going to be a good mom. Then I see Emily in Kadence's smile and I hear her say...here's your little girl we prayed for, now dress her well and make me proud and don't forget to accessorize (I think we are doing fairly well at this:))...I smile for I know Kadence is a special kind of miracle whose smile heals her mommy's broken heart and is a gift from God to meet me right where I am. So this week I will hold Kadence tight, missing Emily and the sunshine she brought to my life but thanking her for helping mold me into the woman and mom I am today. Emily will always be sunshine in my heart, she will NEVER be forgotten.
There is pain this week and I'm feeling it but I also feel God's peace as he has brings healing in my heart...
This week two years ago- it was a monday much like today...beautiful! I had a couple of meetings but nothing crazy sets apart my day. About two o'clock that day I had a meeting with one of my teens that had talked about killing themselves. We talked about the pain, the hospital stay, and why I had to be the one that called the police and how I could not imagine my life without him. It was emotional but the night before I had researched everything under the sun about suicide because I wanted to understand him greater, wanted to know how I could help. About three or a little later that day I got a call from one of the girls and they couldn't find one of our other teens and said she wasn't answering her phone and wondered if she was with me or if I knew where she was...she wasn't and I didn't. I immediately got in my car and started driving around. I drove to the park, to Lakeland, to the lake...anywhere that had significance...I looked for a broken down car, I looked for signs that would point me anywhere...but I had to find her. I remember being right at Todd George and Langsford and crying out to God saying, "You know where she's at! I am so mad that you won't tell me! God is she okay? God help! God where? God help!" Even remembering the terror in my prayer and the urgency and my tears to Him sends chills all down my body. Right then and there were sirens...and an ambulance appeared out of the flood of cars. And I said to God, she's hurt? she's at the hospital? And I drove home. As I pulled in the driveway I got a call from one of the girls and they said she was at the hospital at Center Point. They didn't know anything but would call as soon as they did. That night was small group and Andy asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I said no- I figured she would be bombarded with family and friends and so I wanted to wait till the rush died down and then I would go. So off to small group we went. I remember being distracted and not being able to focus, watching my phone like crazy waiting for an update. Then the phone rang, I excused myself and walked to the end of their hallway and the man on the other line asked if I was Kylie, he told me he was a detective for Independence police department and wanted to let me know that Emily had taken her life (his words, not mine) and I (not knowing why I would ask such a thing) asked with what or how she did it. He said hand gun. I dropped to the floor gasping for air, crying and not being able to form words. Sobbing, uncontrollable sobbing. He said, "sorry for your loss" and hung up. At this point I am in the bathroom of our friends house, curled up in the fetal position crying tears and feeling an emotion I have never felt before. The amount of pain I was feeling at that moment could not be described. I cried and cried, my husband joined me in the bathroom and I cried and cried and cried, and muttered the words she's gone. And cried and cried...just telling you that I cried brings back the emotion that was in that day. I eventually pulled myself together and put on my "professional" face and told andy straight I have to go find Travis. We have to go to miller J, the kids need to know, we have to tell them, we have to go now...we abruptly told our friends we needed to leave and headed to the park. We went to the park, we told the kids, they cried, they smoked...we all tried to find a way to cope. The phone calls started, first to our board, then to volunteers, and friends, and then my family...Emily was not just a teen (although I would argue that none of my kids are "just another teen" they are my life, my family, they mean everything to me...and Emily even more so because I had been close to her since she was 15. She was one of those girls that could just bring a smile to your face and she warmed my heart. We were vulnerable together in our struggles, in our walk with God...Emily was like a little sister I never had. The next days passed and we had a ton of kids passed out all over our floor (this was beautiful) because it was just to painful for us all to be alone. We all wanted to be moved to action yet we were all paralyzed by our grief. Thursday was the visitation and there were so many people, so many lives effected by her smile, her spirit. I remember walking through and being sad for the family of whoever it was that we were mourning but it not sinking in that it was Emily. Friday we buried her, Friday night we had a candle light vigil. I remember praying that night, I remember before I prayed out loud that I told God I wanted those kids to know that they could be mad, that they could grieve, that God was big enough to hold them in their pain and that we did not have to come to him "pretty". We all went home friday...and somehow life was supposed to go back to normal...it didn't...all summer I hibernated...all summer I grieved...all summer I didn't make a single phone call to check on anyone else, I sat in my pain (looking back I regret this but I couldn't muster up the strength to reach out to anyone). Looking back I wish we would have educated each other on how we grieve because instead of dealing with it we had/have kids that resorted to alcohol, sex, food, cutting, anger, laughing...they all dealt differently with grief and then would get mad at each other when they weren't on the same path. So friendships got strained, and in general life was hard. I cried for 8 weeks straight at church, I wondered if I would ever be able to make it through church and not cry. Days and weeks of loneliness and grief followed. Somewhere I figured out how to suppress the pain...Fall started back and I got into a rhythm...but my rhythm was missing an Emily.
It's been two years this week (last year we went on vacation this week so I didn't have to be in here) since she passed. I am still wounded, I still cry, I still grieve. I try to find her in the weather, and at hobby lobby when I find bedazzled office supplies...but it is just not the same. I want so bad for her passing to mean life change for our city. I want her life to be a change agent in our community, where we rise up and fight for teens and their struggles and we talk about suicide. My life is forever changed because of her passing. I wish desperately that Emily would have gotten to meet Kadence and then I stop and a smirk comes across my face...I have no doubt that she "helped" pick out our little girl. In my head I picture her, my dad, and my grandpa all sitting at a table with God talking about our little girl. Talking to God about what she would look like, how she would smile, what she would like to do, and even the orchestrating of all the little details leading up to Kadence's birth. All of them knew how much I needed to be reminded that God gives and isn't just in the game of taking away. They all knew I had wounds, they all knew I needed a miracle. They all knew how much I needed a little girl of my very own. I think I always would have been grateful for Kadence but I think going through the amount of pain I have gone through in the last 6 years and THEN getting a miracle...makes this miracle all a little sweeter. So, when I look at my little girl and she smiles, it warms my heart...not as a baby smiling at a mommy but as God loving on me, reminding me that He loves me and that He has not given up on us, and that he is still creating miracles in this fallen world. When Kadence smiles I feel My dad tell me Thanks for giving him a granddaughter, and that he is proud of me, and that he loves me. When Kadence smiles I hear my grandpa telling me how beautiful she is and how he wished he could have held her and that I'm going to be a good mom. Then I see Emily in Kadence's smile and I hear her say...here's your little girl we prayed for, now dress her well and make me proud and don't forget to accessorize (I think we are doing fairly well at this:))...I smile for I know Kadence is a special kind of miracle whose smile heals her mommy's broken heart and is a gift from God to meet me right where I am. So this week I will hold Kadence tight, missing Emily and the sunshine she brought to my life but thanking her for helping mold me into the woman and mom I am today. Emily will always be sunshine in my heart, she will NEVER be forgotten.
There is pain this week and I'm feeling it but I also feel God's peace as he has brings healing in my heart...
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Blog Diarrhea...
What happens when you don't get to blog when things cross your mind...you get blog diarrhea. A little bit of this and that and everything in between...but as always-transparent!
...Happy 6 weeks to Miss Kadence today!!! She is so beautiful, full of life, and so much fun! Some of my favorite moments are when it is just the two of us and I'll tell her how much I love her and how much her daddy loves her and she just smiles and gurgles her spit as if she is talking back to me :) I love her smirks, smiles, and her 150 other faces and noises she makes. Being her mom is my most favorite part of my life. I know it has only been six weeks but I can not imagine my life without her, how her little soul completes so much of my own. I can't get over how rich my marriage has been in the last 6 weeks, how much I have learned about myself, my relationship with God, and everything that I put my identity in prior to these 6 weeks...
...I was telling Andy how much I pray for Kadence and how I knew I would pray for our daughter I just never knew how many trivial things would trigger my prayer life. When I see people that are reacting out of anger, I pray that her heart would be filled with love not hate. When I see people wrapped up in material possessions I pray that she would not find her value in a purse, a car, or some other toy. When I hear of teens whose parents have hurt them in unthinkable ways, the words that parents have said out of frustration and I pray that God would protect Kadence from my human-ness and that I would never speak words, even out of frustration, that would add pain to her life. When I see a tv show and some kid has cancer, falls in love for the first time, crys, etc I am overwhelmed by the responsibility and excitement that comes with this little being growing up. She may only be six weeks but she is learning non stop, she is watching Andy and I and our love for each other, she is taking in our love for others, learning our voices, she listens as we blare worship music, read her books, and tell her of our love, and God's love for her and for her story as she continues to grow and I am moved to prayer. I love praying for her and talking to Jesus about all of the little things as she continues to grow and develop...
...It may seem weird to tell you that we have a six week old and we have already started talking about our next child. If there will be a next child. If you don't know our story or anything about us you might be thinking...seriously can you not be grateful for what you have? Actually if I am honest sometimes I wrestle if by contemplating about what path God has for us for our next child if I, myself, am being ungrateful for all that God has given us. I mean God came through with one great big miracle for us, who am I to think another miracle is out there for us? Have I "ran out" of miracles? Then I put numbers to the paper and I get angry! How come adoption is so expensive! How come all it takes so many people I know to get pregnant is a missed pill, a case of beer, and a crazy night of fun. It's not fair! And then out of the deep pit of emotion I once knew as my truth I start to feel the anger and injustice surface...wait, I thought that girl was gone. I thought that girl had moved to happy world. Then my sinful nature comes out and I throw a temper-tantrum that if I was a "normal" woman I could just have a breast feeding miracle, and in 9 months maybe we would be getting another baby. Maybe Kadence would not be an only child. I try to tell God that just because Kadence was a miracle that blew us out of the water doesn't mean we would be less blown out of the water if He chose to give us another miracle. lol- like some sort of pleading with God would get my point across. But then let's be honest, that's how so many of my talks with God go. Kylie pleading her case, debating why I should get my way. I'm a mess, but at least I don't try and tell you I have it all together :) Then I try to sort out truths from Satan's lies because I know they are all mixed up in there. Truth is in the adoption world thinking about your "next child" is not far fetched for as long as this dang process can take. But truth is God is already taking care of it, and the next, and next, and next after that or however many next's there are. It may be years before we get another blessing of a child or Kadence may be an only child. Or God might fast track us like he did with K-Love. It might be astronomically expensive like the fee schedules claim, or God might take care of every last expense like he did with Kadence. Truth is that no mater how truthful it is that it feels "unfair" I am very aware that God is working out the timing, details, and every intricate part of our story...something he has continued to do from the beginning of time. So I turn my pondering of what to do next, to leaning into God...snuggling into Kadence and trusting God and that he knows our hearts desires, he knows our abundant love for Kadence and how grateful we are for her and her story. He knows, I don't. He's in control, I'm not.
So in the meantime I will love and spoil this little girl. I will tell her about Jesus, how he is writing her story. I will enjoy midnight feedings, cuddles, lack of make up and showers...I will lean in to every lazy Saturday, every stroller ride, and every smile. I will take it in and every time I look at Kadence I am reminded by God's glory, His story, and his love for this little girl, our little family, and for Andy and I.
This is the good life...end of blog diarrhea :)
...Happy 6 weeks to Miss Kadence today!!! She is so beautiful, full of life, and so much fun! Some of my favorite moments are when it is just the two of us and I'll tell her how much I love her and how much her daddy loves her and she just smiles and gurgles her spit as if she is talking back to me :) I love her smirks, smiles, and her 150 other faces and noises she makes. Being her mom is my most favorite part of my life. I know it has only been six weeks but I can not imagine my life without her, how her little soul completes so much of my own. I can't get over how rich my marriage has been in the last 6 weeks, how much I have learned about myself, my relationship with God, and everything that I put my identity in prior to these 6 weeks...
...I was telling Andy how much I pray for Kadence and how I knew I would pray for our daughter I just never knew how many trivial things would trigger my prayer life. When I see people that are reacting out of anger, I pray that her heart would be filled with love not hate. When I see people wrapped up in material possessions I pray that she would not find her value in a purse, a car, or some other toy. When I hear of teens whose parents have hurt them in unthinkable ways, the words that parents have said out of frustration and I pray that God would protect Kadence from my human-ness and that I would never speak words, even out of frustration, that would add pain to her life. When I see a tv show and some kid has cancer, falls in love for the first time, crys, etc I am overwhelmed by the responsibility and excitement that comes with this little being growing up. She may only be six weeks but she is learning non stop, she is watching Andy and I and our love for each other, she is taking in our love for others, learning our voices, she listens as we blare worship music, read her books, and tell her of our love, and God's love for her and for her story as she continues to grow and I am moved to prayer. I love praying for her and talking to Jesus about all of the little things as she continues to grow and develop...
...It may seem weird to tell you that we have a six week old and we have already started talking about our next child. If there will be a next child. If you don't know our story or anything about us you might be thinking...seriously can you not be grateful for what you have? Actually if I am honest sometimes I wrestle if by contemplating about what path God has for us for our next child if I, myself, am being ungrateful for all that God has given us. I mean God came through with one great big miracle for us, who am I to think another miracle is out there for us? Have I "ran out" of miracles? Then I put numbers to the paper and I get angry! How come adoption is so expensive! How come all it takes so many people I know to get pregnant is a missed pill, a case of beer, and a crazy night of fun. It's not fair! And then out of the deep pit of emotion I once knew as my truth I start to feel the anger and injustice surface...wait, I thought that girl was gone. I thought that girl had moved to happy world. Then my sinful nature comes out and I throw a temper-tantrum that if I was a "normal" woman I could just have a breast feeding miracle, and in 9 months maybe we would be getting another baby. Maybe Kadence would not be an only child. I try to tell God that just because Kadence was a miracle that blew us out of the water doesn't mean we would be less blown out of the water if He chose to give us another miracle. lol- like some sort of pleading with God would get my point across. But then let's be honest, that's how so many of my talks with God go. Kylie pleading her case, debating why I should get my way. I'm a mess, but at least I don't try and tell you I have it all together :) Then I try to sort out truths from Satan's lies because I know they are all mixed up in there. Truth is in the adoption world thinking about your "next child" is not far fetched for as long as this dang process can take. But truth is God is already taking care of it, and the next, and next, and next after that or however many next's there are. It may be years before we get another blessing of a child or Kadence may be an only child. Or God might fast track us like he did with K-Love. It might be astronomically expensive like the fee schedules claim, or God might take care of every last expense like he did with Kadence. Truth is that no mater how truthful it is that it feels "unfair" I am very aware that God is working out the timing, details, and every intricate part of our story...something he has continued to do from the beginning of time. So I turn my pondering of what to do next, to leaning into God...snuggling into Kadence and trusting God and that he knows our hearts desires, he knows our abundant love for Kadence and how grateful we are for her and her story. He knows, I don't. He's in control, I'm not.
So in the meantime I will love and spoil this little girl. I will tell her about Jesus, how he is writing her story. I will enjoy midnight feedings, cuddles, lack of make up and showers...I will lean in to every lazy Saturday, every stroller ride, and every smile. I will take it in and every time I look at Kadence I am reminded by God's glory, His story, and his love for this little girl, our little family, and for Andy and I.
This is the good life...end of blog diarrhea :)
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