It happened, that phone call I have been waiting for this past year came...there have been several phone calls or text messages I have waited to hear this past year and each time I am like, "Oh, that's the one I was waiting for"
It started with a text message on October 16th of 2012: "Hey, I don't know if this is to personal or not but where are you and Andy at on trying to conceive?" to then the text message of "I have a young woman who is pregnant and has a healthy baby girl due in February, can I give her your contact info?"
Fast forward to November 27th of 2012 and the text message came: "Do you have time to come and see me?" Which then proceeded to me coming to walk in the front door of an office, walking down a long hallway and into a beautiful room where a young girl sat and looked up at me and asked if we would consider adopting her baby girl...the raw emotion that I buried deep down that day so I would not look like a fool blubbering like a big ole baby for fear of scaring this young woman with my emotions and longing for this sweet child. Then the phone calls, tears, and emotion as I called my family trying to make something feel for real...
Over the next 12 weeks there was several phone calls and text messages that meant a lot to me, meant that we got to see the sonogram, get to know our new extended family, and continue the journey of checking in on this young woman that was now my new favorite person to get text messages or phone calls from.
Fast forward to February 24th of 2013 and the text message came: "Mommy I think Kadence wants to meet you today" to the phone calls, text messages, and facebook messages to spread the good news. There was emotion there too but the surreal-ness of the whole thing made for the emotions everywhere
then on February 28th: the call of court, text messages with the social worker...Temporary Custody was ours and there was emotion...
This whole time I have been trying to control my feeling, controlling my excitement and balancing it with fear. I have been loving with my whole heart but balancing it with what if's. I have been living in raw emotion but burying it deep within for the just in case...Andy and I kept saying that it just hasn't sunk in...it's something that we can't process or explain
Fast forward to yesterday September 26, 2013 and getting a call from our lawyer: "Kylie, do you have a minute? I have a few things I want to run by you. Are you free November 22nd? (I am not sure what my response was supposed to be- I am pretty sure EVEN if I had something planned I would cancel so that I could go to court) Okay that is the first available date we can get you in for finalization. " I jotted it down on a random piece of paper and was trying to get Andy's attention as he headed out the door and showed him my scrap of paper and was trying to make some motion like this is our court date- lol. It seemed logical at the time. I get off of the phone, Andy is gone, and Kadence is waking from a nap and I go and pick her up and I lost it-like ugly cry lost it...there was such a release, everything I had bottled up for almost a year seeping out. Kadence was looking at me very confused and I picked her up and told her do you know that I get to be your forever mommy? You don't even know what this means for me or you? Temporary no more my friend, yep no more temporary custody...you're mine. And she looked at me with her two tooth grin and spastically moved her hands with a "haaaaa-ahhhhh" and I knew she approved. I scooped her up in my arms and snuggled her close...and felt a breath that was deeper than I have breathed these last 7 months. A breath of freedom as I start to see the light...at the end of this journey...the part of the journey where we stop focusing on the journey of adoption and focus on the journey of being a parent...
THIS was the phone call I was waiting for...all of the other ones added up to make this one extra special. Almost a year in the making from hearing that Kadence even existed to this phone call...to know that she gets to be ours forever!
I am a VERY happy mommy, a VERY emotional mommy, and a VERY blessed mommy!
Friday, September 27, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
A Praying Mom...
I should be sitting in church this morning but I am not, I am sitting in a coffee shop listening to worship music, journaling, and praying...not just praying, but fervently praying...the kind of praying where you lay your heart out, your emotions deep, and everything in you yearns to be heard...it's a crying out kind of praying...it's a desperation prayer...it's passionate...
This week at work has been one of the most draining not just in hours, but emotionally. There has been more drama than I can stay on top of, there have been more "problems" in kids lives, the poverty, the dysfunction, the drugs, the sex, the addictions, the parents that don't care, the parents that have a false view of their children, the brokenness...it's almost too much for this heart to bare...I battle with worldly emotions of anger, sleepiness, and just wanting someone to blame...I want to blame the parents, I want to blame the schools, I want to blame our community, I want to blame media, our culture...and the tears come and I find myself weeping in our brokenness and knowing that those are not the answers.
I am reading a book called The Passionate Mom and in one section of her book she talks about how the passionate mom is full of passion (which leads a mom to action) and prayer for her child. I can't help but as I read this book I am constantly using it in ministry too (not just in parenting). I find myself as a momma bear finding that passion and the prayer for my children, your children, our children as a community, and God's children...
I think since having a baby girl I have become even more passionate about girls and the things they endure on a daily basis. It brings great fear to think of what one day Kadence will have to endure (I'm sure she'll be fine since she will never leave the house ;)) It doesn't help that in this season of my work life I have been blessed with some dynamite young women!
This morning there are a few girls on my heart that I can't shake the need to cry on their behalf. There are a few girls that the mere utter of their name brings my heart to a heaping mess! They might not be my biological daughters or my adopted daughters but my heart knows no difference. My heart loves them, is passionate about them, and prays for them in the way I feel a mother should. If I could tell them anything and have it not go unheard and have it resonate in their hearts forever this is what I would say...
You are Beautiful: Not in the worlds sense of beauty but in the deepest since of beauty. You are loyal, compassionate, energetic, and full of life. I see you and your smiles radiate my soul. You give me hope! Your beauty is in your kindness and your love for others. You are broken but your heart is still pure. The world has been cruel to you but you are still beautiful to your core both inside and out. I wish that you could see your beauty and love yourself the way I find myself loving you.
I'm sorry: I'm sorry for parts of your journey that seem so painful that I don't know how to comfort you through them. Seeing your pain makes me weep. Seeing your tears and how the world has hurt you, hurts me. I wish there was a hug big enough to take this pain away. I know that you need more, I know you need the love of a compassionate God to hold you and wipe your tears and that Kylie's hugs and coffee dates are just not enough to heal the wounds that are so deep and so wide. I'm sorry for the addictions you suffer from. I'm sorry boys have hurt you to the depth that they have. I'm sorry girls are cruel and you can't find true friends. I am sorry you have parents that are selfish or are wrapped up in their own addictions or relationships and you feel like they can't see you. I'm sorry for the pain you endure and the hatred you have of yourself. I am sorry for the shame you carry around because of the choices you have made. I am sorry you are scared, that you feel stuck, and that you have been hurt by this crazy world...I wish I could show you the power of forgiveness. I wish I could show you the depth of God's love to heal the wounds, to take away the shame, and to heal the most destructive relationships and addictions in your life.
You are loved: I love you, I can't deny it...my love for you is real, deep, and passionate. For whatever reason you have been put in my life and I love you the way a mother should love a child. Your stories pain me and I wish that I could just make the pain go away. I, in the wise old woman way, passionately believe that God is pulling you close to Him. There are a few of you that know that full well and are running confidently in the other direction and that's okay. He is even more passionate about you than I am and he is more patient too (although that doesn't take much-lol). My love, and even more so God's love, for you is so hard for you to grasp because our society has thrown the word love around so foolishly that you have a warped since of what love is when I tell you that I love you and when I tell you that God loves you it means something different than when that boy who told you he loved you and then the next day slept with your best friend...that was and will never be love. We don't love you in the way you love your favorite television show or your favorite food. They are not words that I throw around lightly. They are words that keep me up at all hours of the night praying for you. They are words that when you walk through the front door after school and I can't wait to hear everything that happened to you during your day. They are words that make your tears my tears, and your laughter my laughter. These words make me fight for you, even when you have stopped fighting for yourself. These words compel me to show up and be there for the long haul...not for just this week but for the weeks and years to come. These words lead me to not give up on you, even when you have given up on you. These words mean something...you may not know it today but I pray that one day that you will know the truth that you are loved.
These girls make me excited and scared for what it will be like to have a teenage daughter...If I am this torn up about the girls in my life today I can not even fathom the depth of my prayers, tears, and love for Kadence as she continues to grow. I am blessed to be a praying momma. I would not trade these tears or the sleepless night for any of my "daughters".
God is working in a mighty way...will you join me in praying for our daughters in our community...
This week at work has been one of the most draining not just in hours, but emotionally. There has been more drama than I can stay on top of, there have been more "problems" in kids lives, the poverty, the dysfunction, the drugs, the sex, the addictions, the parents that don't care, the parents that have a false view of their children, the brokenness...it's almost too much for this heart to bare...I battle with worldly emotions of anger, sleepiness, and just wanting someone to blame...I want to blame the parents, I want to blame the schools, I want to blame our community, I want to blame media, our culture...and the tears come and I find myself weeping in our brokenness and knowing that those are not the answers.
I am reading a book called The Passionate Mom and in one section of her book she talks about how the passionate mom is full of passion (which leads a mom to action) and prayer for her child. I can't help but as I read this book I am constantly using it in ministry too (not just in parenting). I find myself as a momma bear finding that passion and the prayer for my children, your children, our children as a community, and God's children...
I think since having a baby girl I have become even more passionate about girls and the things they endure on a daily basis. It brings great fear to think of what one day Kadence will have to endure (I'm sure she'll be fine since she will never leave the house ;)) It doesn't help that in this season of my work life I have been blessed with some dynamite young women!
This morning there are a few girls on my heart that I can't shake the need to cry on their behalf. There are a few girls that the mere utter of their name brings my heart to a heaping mess! They might not be my biological daughters or my adopted daughters but my heart knows no difference. My heart loves them, is passionate about them, and prays for them in the way I feel a mother should. If I could tell them anything and have it not go unheard and have it resonate in their hearts forever this is what I would say...
You are Beautiful: Not in the worlds sense of beauty but in the deepest since of beauty. You are loyal, compassionate, energetic, and full of life. I see you and your smiles radiate my soul. You give me hope! Your beauty is in your kindness and your love for others. You are broken but your heart is still pure. The world has been cruel to you but you are still beautiful to your core both inside and out. I wish that you could see your beauty and love yourself the way I find myself loving you.
I'm sorry: I'm sorry for parts of your journey that seem so painful that I don't know how to comfort you through them. Seeing your pain makes me weep. Seeing your tears and how the world has hurt you, hurts me. I wish there was a hug big enough to take this pain away. I know that you need more, I know you need the love of a compassionate God to hold you and wipe your tears and that Kylie's hugs and coffee dates are just not enough to heal the wounds that are so deep and so wide. I'm sorry for the addictions you suffer from. I'm sorry boys have hurt you to the depth that they have. I'm sorry girls are cruel and you can't find true friends. I am sorry you have parents that are selfish or are wrapped up in their own addictions or relationships and you feel like they can't see you. I'm sorry for the pain you endure and the hatred you have of yourself. I am sorry for the shame you carry around because of the choices you have made. I am sorry you are scared, that you feel stuck, and that you have been hurt by this crazy world...I wish I could show you the power of forgiveness. I wish I could show you the depth of God's love to heal the wounds, to take away the shame, and to heal the most destructive relationships and addictions in your life.
You are loved: I love you, I can't deny it...my love for you is real, deep, and passionate. For whatever reason you have been put in my life and I love you the way a mother should love a child. Your stories pain me and I wish that I could just make the pain go away. I, in the wise old woman way, passionately believe that God is pulling you close to Him. There are a few of you that know that full well and are running confidently in the other direction and that's okay. He is even more passionate about you than I am and he is more patient too (although that doesn't take much-lol). My love, and even more so God's love, for you is so hard for you to grasp because our society has thrown the word love around so foolishly that you have a warped since of what love is when I tell you that I love you and when I tell you that God loves you it means something different than when that boy who told you he loved you and then the next day slept with your best friend...that was and will never be love. We don't love you in the way you love your favorite television show or your favorite food. They are not words that I throw around lightly. They are words that keep me up at all hours of the night praying for you. They are words that when you walk through the front door after school and I can't wait to hear everything that happened to you during your day. They are words that make your tears my tears, and your laughter my laughter. These words make me fight for you, even when you have stopped fighting for yourself. These words compel me to show up and be there for the long haul...not for just this week but for the weeks and years to come. These words lead me to not give up on you, even when you have given up on you. These words mean something...you may not know it today but I pray that one day that you will know the truth that you are loved.
These girls make me excited and scared for what it will be like to have a teenage daughter...If I am this torn up about the girls in my life today I can not even fathom the depth of my prayers, tears, and love for Kadence as she continues to grow. I am blessed to be a praying momma. I would not trade these tears or the sleepless night for any of my "daughters".
God is working in a mighty way...will you join me in praying for our daughters in our community...
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Priorities LOST...or changed?
Somewhere (probably on imom) I read and article about priorities and how a woman's priorities should be * God and Family * Attitude and Homemaking *Menu Planning *Goals/Direction *Friends/Family *Hobbies/Me time. At first I wrestled with this a lot seeing that most of my life didn't fall into ANY of those categories. Then I started realizing that for most of my marriage if not all of my marriage these have not been my priorities (although I earnestly try for God and Family to stay a priority). I then started to get convicted about when did serving Jesus (my line of work) become my job? I can justify the hours and energy that it takes to put forth and create an organization because it's all serving Jesus but somewhere along the way it became my identity. Somewhere along the way I lost "Kylie" and I became "Pro Deo". It became everything I would eat, breathe, and sleep...and for YEARS (now). I wrestled with bouts of burn out, loneliness, anger, extreme satisfaction, bliss, etc. Enter into this equation a beautiful baby girl in February and everything I knew about my identity, priorities, and my life as a "Community Leader" changed. It has been the most humbling journey and one that I am still adapting to.
Kadence has forced us to spend more time at home, more time with our families, more time as Husband/Wife, she has restored my need for community (something I had pretty much given up on), and has changed my goals and direction for my life. I don't think I have figured out who "Kylie" is but I have learned how to not bring my work home with me (or at least I am getting better at it-lol), how to let phone calls go unanswered and e-mails not responded to the moment they come in. A lot of it is letting go of the control, not letting my work be my "god" and my identity. Not having to please the people on the other end of the phone or the e-mail. I have weeded out the countless meetings and have really worked at focusing on what's most important, of most value...and instead of being everywhere and at everything I find balance in being at a select few things. There is a pressure there as a start up non-profit to be everything to everyone and to be everywhere- to prove the need, to find the support, the volunteers, etc...I found myself talking to executive directors burning out because of this same mentality. I advocated for them and for their families and telling them they had to find balance (it was easier to say without a child). So here I am advocating that same thing for my family. Trying to find my identity in Jesus, my priorities, and my balance.
I can tell you that Kadence's mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus, she enhances my prayer life, and having her in my life ignites my passion for the teen girls in my life. The girls speak and I find my heart breaking for them and for Kadence...and for the world she will/is growing up in. My heart breaks for the lack of true friends, the lack of gentlemen to treat them with respect, the lack of Jesus in the schools, and the amount of disfunction they are immersed in daily and we call that "growing up".
I can tell you that raising a daughter has heightened my awareness of my own identity. Answering the questions of who do I want to be? What do I want her to learn about my daily routine, the things or activities that I make a priority? How will she learn to be a woman of virtue? How will she perceive my love and relationship with Jesus, my heart for others, and my love for being her mommy?
All of a sudden somewhere between last school year and this school year my identity has switched, my priorities have switched...it is no longer about running yourself into the ground for the sake of a cause or an organization. It is more about loving Jesus, serving his people, and living the kind of life that Kadence can see Jesus in from the time she is itty bitty and as she continues to grow. That she would grow to have a healthy self-image, a healthy love for Jesus and her community. All of a sudden the pace that we are running this race has drastically slowed down...but it's a good slow...an intentional slow...slow enough to learn in, reflect in, and take intentional steps forward. My priorities may not be all in place and I may never master the art of homemaking or menu planning but I will always love Jesus and will do my best taking every step with the intention of how am I teaching my daughter to love her King, herself, and others...
Oh, this mommy business is changing me from the inside out...and for the better...eternally grateful!
P.s. for those following the adoption process we still have not received a court date. Hoping for one before the holidays! Can't wait to be Kadence's forever mommy! Please keep praying for us!
Kadence has forced us to spend more time at home, more time with our families, more time as Husband/Wife, she has restored my need for community (something I had pretty much given up on), and has changed my goals and direction for my life. I don't think I have figured out who "Kylie" is but I have learned how to not bring my work home with me (or at least I am getting better at it-lol), how to let phone calls go unanswered and e-mails not responded to the moment they come in. A lot of it is letting go of the control, not letting my work be my "god" and my identity. Not having to please the people on the other end of the phone or the e-mail. I have weeded out the countless meetings and have really worked at focusing on what's most important, of most value...and instead of being everywhere and at everything I find balance in being at a select few things. There is a pressure there as a start up non-profit to be everything to everyone and to be everywhere- to prove the need, to find the support, the volunteers, etc...I found myself talking to executive directors burning out because of this same mentality. I advocated for them and for their families and telling them they had to find balance (it was easier to say without a child). So here I am advocating that same thing for my family. Trying to find my identity in Jesus, my priorities, and my balance.
I can tell you that Kadence's mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus, she enhances my prayer life, and having her in my life ignites my passion for the teen girls in my life. The girls speak and I find my heart breaking for them and for Kadence...and for the world she will/is growing up in. My heart breaks for the lack of true friends, the lack of gentlemen to treat them with respect, the lack of Jesus in the schools, and the amount of disfunction they are immersed in daily and we call that "growing up".
I can tell you that raising a daughter has heightened my awareness of my own identity. Answering the questions of who do I want to be? What do I want her to learn about my daily routine, the things or activities that I make a priority? How will she learn to be a woman of virtue? How will she perceive my love and relationship with Jesus, my heart for others, and my love for being her mommy?
All of a sudden somewhere between last school year and this school year my identity has switched, my priorities have switched...it is no longer about running yourself into the ground for the sake of a cause or an organization. It is more about loving Jesus, serving his people, and living the kind of life that Kadence can see Jesus in from the time she is itty bitty and as she continues to grow. That she would grow to have a healthy self-image, a healthy love for Jesus and her community. All of a sudden the pace that we are running this race has drastically slowed down...but it's a good slow...an intentional slow...slow enough to learn in, reflect in, and take intentional steps forward. My priorities may not be all in place and I may never master the art of homemaking or menu planning but I will always love Jesus and will do my best taking every step with the intention of how am I teaching my daughter to love her King, herself, and others...
Oh, this mommy business is changing me from the inside out...and for the better...eternally grateful!
P.s. for those following the adoption process we still have not received a court date. Hoping for one before the holidays! Can't wait to be Kadence's forever mommy! Please keep praying for us!
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