Somewhere (probably on imom) I read and article about priorities and how a woman's priorities should be * God and Family * Attitude and Homemaking *Menu Planning *Goals/Direction *Friends/Family *Hobbies/Me time. At first I wrestled with this a lot seeing that most of my life didn't fall into ANY of those categories. Then I started realizing that for most of my marriage if not all of my marriage these have not been my priorities (although I earnestly try for God and Family to stay a priority). I then started to get convicted about when did serving Jesus (my line of work) become my job? I can justify the hours and energy that it takes to put forth and create an organization because it's all serving Jesus but somewhere along the way it became my identity. Somewhere along the way I lost "Kylie" and I became "Pro Deo". It became everything I would eat, breathe, and sleep...and for YEARS (now). I wrestled with bouts of burn out, loneliness, anger, extreme satisfaction, bliss, etc. Enter into this equation a beautiful baby girl in February and everything I knew about my identity, priorities, and my life as a "Community Leader" changed. It has been the most humbling journey and one that I am still adapting to.
Kadence has forced us to spend more time at home, more time with our families, more time as Husband/Wife, she has restored my need for community (something I had pretty much given up on), and has changed my goals and direction for my life. I don't think I have figured out who "Kylie" is but I have learned how to not bring my work home with me (or at least I am getting better at it-lol), how to let phone calls go unanswered and e-mails not responded to the moment they come in. A lot of it is letting go of the control, not letting my work be my "god" and my identity. Not having to please the people on the other end of the phone or the e-mail. I have weeded out the countless meetings and have really worked at focusing on what's most important, of most value...and instead of being everywhere and at everything I find balance in being at a select few things. There is a pressure there as a start up non-profit to be everything to everyone and to be everywhere- to prove the need, to find the support, the volunteers, etc...I found myself talking to executive directors burning out because of this same mentality. I advocated for them and for their families and telling them they had to find balance (it was easier to say without a child). So here I am advocating that same thing for my family. Trying to find my identity in Jesus, my priorities, and my balance.
I can tell you that Kadence's mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus, she enhances my prayer life, and having her in my life ignites my passion for the teen girls in my life. The girls speak and I find my heart breaking for them and for Kadence...and for the world she will/is growing up in. My heart breaks for the lack of true friends, the lack of gentlemen to treat them with respect, the lack of Jesus in the schools, and the amount of disfunction they are immersed in daily and we call that "growing up".
I can tell you that raising a daughter has heightened my awareness of my own identity. Answering the questions of who do I want to be? What do I want her to learn about my daily routine, the things or activities that I make a priority? How will she learn to be a woman of virtue? How will she perceive my love and relationship with Jesus, my heart for others, and my love for being her mommy?
All of a sudden somewhere between last school year and this school year my identity has switched, my priorities have switched...it is no longer about running yourself into the ground for the sake of a cause or an organization. It is more about loving Jesus, serving his people, and living the kind of life that Kadence can see Jesus in from the time she is itty bitty and as she continues to grow. That she would grow to have a healthy self-image, a healthy love for Jesus and her community. All of a sudden the pace that we are running this race has drastically slowed down...but it's a good slow...an intentional slow...slow enough to learn in, reflect in, and take intentional steps forward. My priorities may not be all in place and I may never master the art of homemaking or menu planning but I will always love Jesus and will do my best taking every step with the intention of how am I teaching my daughter to love her King, herself, and others...
Oh, this mommy business is changing me from the inside out...and for the better...eternally grateful!
P.s. for those following the adoption process we still have not received a court date. Hoping for one before the holidays! Can't wait to be Kadence's forever mommy! Please keep praying for us!
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