I did it! I broke away from the craziness of life to meet with myself at starbucks and drink my drink slowly and spend some time reflecting. 2015 had some really crappy moments but overall it was good...not great but no complaints. Unexpected things I learned in 2015 were how to actually be a good friend, how to have a Quiet Time with Jesus all while having a toddler at home, how to be an advocate for myself, how to set boundaries, how to enjoy solitude, and how to trust that Jesus is moving and working even when I can't see it. If you stick around long enough you will see that I have to learn that last part over and over again in the course of my life. But I can feel 2016 knocking at the door and so today we say goodbye to 2015. We remember the good times, thank God that we made it through the hard times, and embrace that 2016 is full on its way. I was stumbling around and found some prompts for reflection and I won't bore you with all of my reflecting but thought that some of this might be helpful to more than just me or that it would prompt conversations over the next year. Maybe I would get some good coffee dates out of this and someone would say I really want to go to coffee and talk about and pick one of these topics:) So here I go!
In 2016 I purpose to-
Embrace: the journey of change. In my personal life we have put out all of our feelers for different adoption situations (from begging people on Facebook to find us a birth mom, to talking to agencies, to pursuing the foster care system) Starting Jan 5th we start our STARS training for the state of Missouri to be licensed foster parents with the intent to adopt. This little fact makes me want to cuss with fear. There is something daunting knowing that I have no control over how God will use all of these paths to create our family. I pray for wisdom and discernment as we are presented with adoption situations. I pray that God would protect my heart because man do I fall in love quickly when it comes to babies needing a home and just as quickly as I fall in love my heart breaks when it doesn't work out. I pray for protection over our family unit because although I am excited about whatever way God grows our family and the prospect of having more kiddos in our house, I never want to be so excited and focused on the future of what's to come that I can't embrace where I am today, what God is doing today, and how beautiful my family is TODAY! In my work life I have hired two additional positions and am starting 2016 with a team that I am so very excited about. A team that fiercely loves Jesus, each other, our teens, and our community. I am pumped to go to work next week!
Engage: in my marriage. I will be present. I will show up. I will make more time to have a cup of coffee together while Kadence is at preschool. I will dream with him, I will pray for him, I will scratch his back...I will engage at being a student of him. I will engage in being his best friend, his wife, and his lover. 2016 will be a year of great love and lots of spooning!
Be: Healthy. I know most people say this when the year changes and they have a weight goal and they have the latest fad to get them to their goal. Not this girl. I am a girl that in 2015 was given some awesome medical news and so me being healthy looks different than most. For me it looks like tracking if I go to the bathroom every day or not (I know TMI), taking lettuce and most other veggies or most fiber completely out of my diet, increasing sleep, and decreasing stress, and not to choke on food when I eat. I go in every three months to track my blood results. So my goal is just for every 3 months when I go in the blood tests to be better than the month before. So in 2016 I shall keep tracking on this journey of learning more and more the awesome quirks of this body of mine and adhering to what makes it healthy.
Believe: that God's not done. I had this realization about a month ago that there is a deep lie that I have been holding on to but haven't shared with people. Deep down I think my "miracles from God" has been all used up. Don't laugh at me. It sounds crazy to even type it out. But I have lived a very blessed life, a life that I can see God's handprint ALL over. I prayed for this man that I wanted desperately to be my husband and God answered and I seriously have the best husband and feel that God totally hand picked him just for me. I can look back at our story and see God weaving our story together in the most beautiful way. Fast forward and I can say this without a shadow of a doubt with Pro Deo and as well as with Kadence's story. Those have been 3 of the big miracles in my life but at the same time I feel like there are answered prayers all over my life. So it seems odd that I would deep down ponder if He's done. I know this is a lie from satan. So in 2016 I am believing that God that has orchestrated and created incredible miracles in my life is not taking a break in 2016.
Break: my work addiction. I will turn off that dang phone, I will give myself permission to be at home, have a sleeping baby, a husband at work, AND sit down...something I did not excel at in 2015.
Daily: Dig in God's word. Man does it make a difference. It makes a difference in how I love, how I lead, how I parent...it's a big deal and can't be a "if there's time" arrangement. It HAS to be daily.
Do: vacation. It has been a long time coming but I think my home finally values vacation. The art of slowing down, getting away together, and making memories. So I'm going to do that this year...because I like vacation and I like making memories with my family :)
Let Go: of comfort. I want to do things that stretch me and make me uncomfortable. I want to learn and live life to its fullest and I think that sometimes I let my own ideas of what I am comfortable with dictate what I will participate in. So in 2016 I am going to be uncomfortable and see what God has in all of that for me.
Learn:to sabbath. I am going to learn to have a day of rest. I don't know more than that. I just value it and long for that rhythm in my family.
Live:intentionally. I want to live every day on purpose. I want every phone call, every coffee discussion, every interaction that I have to be intentional. I want people to be heard, loved, and cared for. I want to be present for the little moments and to see what God is doing through all of the little things.
Give:generously. Andy and I are in year two, for us, of giving financially monthly generously to things that we are passionate about. Now my husband has always been generous, he has always been one to financially take care of people when there is a need sometimes even to a fault. But we never did it as a discipline, never as a just because, and never at the first of every month. But the last two years have been different. It has been interesting to see what God has done with that money, how God has blessed that trust in our own journey and it has been fun getting to support things that we really care about (I think working in a non-profit it makes this whole thing more fun. I in essence get paid from donations of generous people in our community and then after I get my pay check we turn around and give it to other people in our community.) I think that is beautiful to Jesus. So in 2016 I want our hearts to be generous.
Grow: Me. I think my unsettledness with 2016 is that I know this is coming. Regardless of what I purpose for 2016 God is going to grow me. It is coming and I think that part of the unsettledness is me saying Here I am God use me...use me in my home, use me to love others, use me at work, use me to lead, use me to parent, use me to care for others, USE ME...
So 2016 Here I am...
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Meet Kadence the 2.8 year old...
First Update on adding to our family: Missouri is slow...real slow...real real slow... So, we have everything done on our end just waiting to get some training started. So in the meantime we just enjoy this amazing life we are living and secretly keep our eye out for pregnant women ;) Hahaha
So, Kadence...can you believe it- she is 2.8 years old- don't tell her because if you ask her she will tell you she is two and a half. I thought it would be fun for our family and friends that are out of town to get to know her more than through my abundance of pictures I post-lol
So you should first know that if you ask her what her name is- she will respond with her first, middle, and last name. She often also wants to know your name...which she also needs to know first, middle, and last of.
She is opinionated about all things food and fashion. For food she loves grapes, black olives, chicken strips, pasta, salsa, quesadillas, watermelon, fried rice (well actually any kind of rice), dried fruit, and ranch...the girl loves her ranch. She also likes all of the toddler foods: goldfish, graham crackers, fruit snacks (scooby or princess is her preference). As far as fashion goes- the girl needs a skirt, and things need to match...oh and did I mention there needs to be sparkles/glitter and more sparkle? I swear that girl leaves the house dressed better than me daily! She doesn't want to wear jeans usually, she wants soft pants or a dress/tutu/skirt. We went to Lowes the other day to look around and Andy and I were in Jeans/sweats and Kadence was in full on Easter attire. Everyone thought she was dressed up for halloween...nope this is my everyday! She also will not leave the house without a bow, she also has opinions on her hair styles and bows. She usually wants princess leila hair or braids. She also now asks for lipstick (chapstick) and an amulet (a piece of jewelry that princess sofia has)-but depending on the day I may or may not have a necklace that meets her specifications. She also LOVES nail polish and the more glitter the better!
Now with all that diva you may think that I have corrupted our child- but she has a LOT of tom-boy in her too! When we went to lowes the other day...she may have been dressed up but she wanted desperately to play on the tractor. She loves all things balls, trucks/cars, trains, batman, climbing trees, and starwars. She likes being scared and scaring others. She loves tag, chase, being dirty, and legos.
She still loves outdoors- she wants to eat, color, and spend as much time as possible outside. We don't mind AT ALL and so we spend many days and evenings outdoors. Almost nightly somewhere between 4-6 Kadence and Andy take a bike ride that lands them at a local park or playground. She loves our hamic and our little slide we have outdoors. Most of all she enjoys playing with sticks or in the new leaves that have fallen or in running from Jada.
Kadence is in school two days a week currently. She loves it! The things she loves most are art, music class, recess, balloons, and bubbles. She is so proud of the work she brings home and so we hang it all on the fridge.
She still loves bath time and that is where she plays with her shapes and letters. She can identify K, T, S, M, W, B, R, X and A. She has all of her shapes and colors under control.
She loves to play with stuffed animals, make believe play, and dress up...sometimes all three at the same time. The girl loves to play!
She also wants to be my chef! Daddy built her a step stool so she can reach the kitchen counters to help me cook. She enjoys adding salt and pepper, stirring things, and using measuring cups. She gets sad when we have leftovers or if I made dinner without her.
Kadence also loves to sing, read books, build things, climb, and try new things. Her TV shows of preference are Mickey, Paw Patrol, Daniel Tiger, Princess Sofia, and Peppa Pig.
I am always amazed by her problem solving skills. For instance, last night Andy had thrown Jada's toy and it landed in our ficus tree. Andy and I started talking and not paying attention and Kadence went upstairs to the bathroom, got her step stool, brought it down and put it on the couch so she could reach the toy and get it down for Jada.
Kadence is pretty much potty trained except for bedtime and the occasional nap time.
So what does Kadence NOT like? being told no or not being able to do something on her own (she is very independent). Transitions especially from something she really likes are hard even with fair warning. For the most part all other meltdowns are adult faults (lack of sleep, loss of routine, hunger, or too much sugar-or the crash afterwards).
Overall Kadence is a sponge that picks up everything and remembers it (this can be good and bad-lol). She also is just overall a happy toddler. She loves to play, loves to laugh, loves to hang out with her friends, loves her family, and loves loves loves her Jada.
Our life is in a very fun stage! Every day that Andy and I are apart we are still sending each other messages about the funny things she says or does. We can't get enough of it!
We love our little toddler and enjoying this season of slowing down so that we get to enjoy all of this.
Till our next little ones join the nest...this nest is very special with a beautiful little girl in it and a family that truly with everything in us loves being a family :)
So, Kadence...can you believe it- she is 2.8 years old- don't tell her because if you ask her she will tell you she is two and a half. I thought it would be fun for our family and friends that are out of town to get to know her more than through my abundance of pictures I post-lol
So you should first know that if you ask her what her name is- she will respond with her first, middle, and last name. She often also wants to know your name...which she also needs to know first, middle, and last of.
She is opinionated about all things food and fashion. For food she loves grapes, black olives, chicken strips, pasta, salsa, quesadillas, watermelon, fried rice (well actually any kind of rice), dried fruit, and ranch...the girl loves her ranch. She also likes all of the toddler foods: goldfish, graham crackers, fruit snacks (scooby or princess is her preference). As far as fashion goes- the girl needs a skirt, and things need to match...oh and did I mention there needs to be sparkles/glitter and more sparkle? I swear that girl leaves the house dressed better than me daily! She doesn't want to wear jeans usually, she wants soft pants or a dress/tutu/skirt. We went to Lowes the other day to look around and Andy and I were in Jeans/sweats and Kadence was in full on Easter attire. Everyone thought she was dressed up for halloween...nope this is my everyday! She also will not leave the house without a bow, she also has opinions on her hair styles and bows. She usually wants princess leila hair or braids. She also now asks for lipstick (chapstick) and an amulet (a piece of jewelry that princess sofia has)-but depending on the day I may or may not have a necklace that meets her specifications. She also LOVES nail polish and the more glitter the better!
Now with all that diva you may think that I have corrupted our child- but she has a LOT of tom-boy in her too! When we went to lowes the other day...she may have been dressed up but she wanted desperately to play on the tractor. She loves all things balls, trucks/cars, trains, batman, climbing trees, and starwars. She likes being scared and scaring others. She loves tag, chase, being dirty, and legos.
She still loves outdoors- she wants to eat, color, and spend as much time as possible outside. We don't mind AT ALL and so we spend many days and evenings outdoors. Almost nightly somewhere between 4-6 Kadence and Andy take a bike ride that lands them at a local park or playground. She loves our hamic and our little slide we have outdoors. Most of all she enjoys playing with sticks or in the new leaves that have fallen or in running from Jada.
Kadence is in school two days a week currently. She loves it! The things she loves most are art, music class, recess, balloons, and bubbles. She is so proud of the work she brings home and so we hang it all on the fridge.
She still loves bath time and that is where she plays with her shapes and letters. She can identify K, T, S, M, W, B, R, X and A. She has all of her shapes and colors under control.
She loves to play with stuffed animals, make believe play, and dress up...sometimes all three at the same time. The girl loves to play!
She also wants to be my chef! Daddy built her a step stool so she can reach the kitchen counters to help me cook. She enjoys adding salt and pepper, stirring things, and using measuring cups. She gets sad when we have leftovers or if I made dinner without her.
Kadence also loves to sing, read books, build things, climb, and try new things. Her TV shows of preference are Mickey, Paw Patrol, Daniel Tiger, Princess Sofia, and Peppa Pig.
I am always amazed by her problem solving skills. For instance, last night Andy had thrown Jada's toy and it landed in our ficus tree. Andy and I started talking and not paying attention and Kadence went upstairs to the bathroom, got her step stool, brought it down and put it on the couch so she could reach the toy and get it down for Jada.
Kadence is pretty much potty trained except for bedtime and the occasional nap time.
So what does Kadence NOT like? being told no or not being able to do something on her own (she is very independent). Transitions especially from something she really likes are hard even with fair warning. For the most part all other meltdowns are adult faults (lack of sleep, loss of routine, hunger, or too much sugar-or the crash afterwards).
Overall Kadence is a sponge that picks up everything and remembers it (this can be good and bad-lol). She also is just overall a happy toddler. She loves to play, loves to laugh, loves to hang out with her friends, loves her family, and loves loves loves her Jada.
Our life is in a very fun stage! Every day that Andy and I are apart we are still sending each other messages about the funny things she says or does. We can't get enough of it!
We love our little toddler and enjoying this season of slowing down so that we get to enjoy all of this.
Till our next little ones join the nest...this nest is very special with a beautiful little girl in it and a family that truly with everything in us loves being a family :)
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Advent-practical
So, here's the quick reasons for me "over-doing" Christmas: 1. Christmas has the history in my life of being painful. I lost my dad on December 23rd, the very next year I lost my grandpa the second week of December. December equalled pain...then fast forward a couple years and through doing ministry Christmas evolved to this beautiful means to serving others yet running yourself into the ground...and then 3 years ago Christmas became this anticipation, this excitement of this gift that was coming. To the best that my human mind could understand my emotions and preperation were very similar to what was going on in the Christmas story. But more importantly FINALLY, the Christmas joy had restored itself! So Christmas is still a "crazy" time of year with running a non-profit but I have found the joy of the season once again, and have been able to do everything in my power to savor this season every year now. So, excuse me why I fan girl over advent and Christmas...for me it's not about the hype as much as it is about the mass amounts of healing and wrestling I have done to get to where I am today.
So now for the practical side of things- this is now turning into the "how Kylie does it" post-
1. Print off a calendar for December (and then add in the random couple of days of November)
2. I highlight all of the days that Andy is off (he has a rotating schedule so it is important that I plan things I want him to be at when he can be there)
3. I put in all work commitments and then x off days that work absolutely can't take over (there seriously has to be a big X or I just plan up every free moment- the struggle is real)
4. I then put in all of the family commitment stuff (extended family stuff or my best guess)
5. I then get on KCParent or other blogs of fun things to do in Kansas City. We have some things that we LOVE to do so I make sure those are on the calendar too (some things usually involve anything free, going to crown center, a live nativity, looking for christmas lights, etc)
6. Then I put all mom and Kadence dates on the calendar (the Saturdays when Andy is sleeping all day from work)
7. Then I put on the calendar when we want to be intentional- who do we want to have over, what relationships do we want to focus on, when can we share a meal with people?
8. Then I get my white mocha, a little O holy Night on, the scripture of the Christmas story and Pinterest and fill in the gaps of things on my calendar. Some days we have a theme- like a rubber ducky christmas, or a Madagascar christmas (celebrating some of our friends that were missionaries over there). Some days we have a really cute craft that I selfishly want to give away as Christmas gifts (last year we made homemade wrapping paper and she loved it). I really give thoughts to any traditions I think are developmentally appropriate for us to start and spend time reflecting on past years and what I enjoyed or things I want to scrap from the list.
The key to successfully planning advent is figuring out what you would be doing already and how can you make it special? I'm making cookies anyway...how can I make this Christmas themed baking, get Kadence involved, listen to fun Christmas music, and who can I give them to that would make their day? It takes zero extra effort and if for some reason Kadence isn't feeling it on that particular day no biggie- I was going to be making cookies anyway. I'm all about taking really ordinary and mundane things and making them into sacred experiences.
9. I then make a list of special treats I want to make over the weeks to come and separate them out to fit in my grocery budget over the weeks
10. Make a list of books I want to check out from the library- a mixture of Christmas books about the Christmas story and other books that are just silly/rhyming stories.
11. Make a list of sensory activities or fun things to do when things get boring or when we have long weekends (the weekends Andy works all weekend)
12. Make a list of songs/videos to watch when it is just so cold I can't function or if my day didn't go the way I had planned or if everyone is just needing a veg night
13. Print out some basic coloring sheets if Christmas stuff so it's on hand
I know this may sound like a lot of work for 25 days but it really is like a hobby and I don't really tell people (even my husband) how much time I spend working on it prior too...it's just my happy place.
So it may or may not be October 18th and I may or may not have Christmas music on and be drinking a white mocha...no judgement :)
So now for the practical side of things- this is now turning into the "how Kylie does it" post-
1. Print off a calendar for December (and then add in the random couple of days of November)
2. I highlight all of the days that Andy is off (he has a rotating schedule so it is important that I plan things I want him to be at when he can be there)
3. I put in all work commitments and then x off days that work absolutely can't take over (there seriously has to be a big X or I just plan up every free moment- the struggle is real)
4. I then put in all of the family commitment stuff (extended family stuff or my best guess)
5. I then get on KCParent or other blogs of fun things to do in Kansas City. We have some things that we LOVE to do so I make sure those are on the calendar too (some things usually involve anything free, going to crown center, a live nativity, looking for christmas lights, etc)
6. Then I put all mom and Kadence dates on the calendar (the Saturdays when Andy is sleeping all day from work)
7. Then I put on the calendar when we want to be intentional- who do we want to have over, what relationships do we want to focus on, when can we share a meal with people?
8. Then I get my white mocha, a little O holy Night on, the scripture of the Christmas story and Pinterest and fill in the gaps of things on my calendar. Some days we have a theme- like a rubber ducky christmas, or a Madagascar christmas (celebrating some of our friends that were missionaries over there). Some days we have a really cute craft that I selfishly want to give away as Christmas gifts (last year we made homemade wrapping paper and she loved it). I really give thoughts to any traditions I think are developmentally appropriate for us to start and spend time reflecting on past years and what I enjoyed or things I want to scrap from the list.
The key to successfully planning advent is figuring out what you would be doing already and how can you make it special? I'm making cookies anyway...how can I make this Christmas themed baking, get Kadence involved, listen to fun Christmas music, and who can I give them to that would make their day? It takes zero extra effort and if for some reason Kadence isn't feeling it on that particular day no biggie- I was going to be making cookies anyway. I'm all about taking really ordinary and mundane things and making them into sacred experiences.
9. I then make a list of special treats I want to make over the weeks to come and separate them out to fit in my grocery budget over the weeks
10. Make a list of books I want to check out from the library- a mixture of Christmas books about the Christmas story and other books that are just silly/rhyming stories.
11. Make a list of sensory activities or fun things to do when things get boring or when we have long weekends (the weekends Andy works all weekend)
12. Make a list of songs/videos to watch when it is just so cold I can't function or if my day didn't go the way I had planned or if everyone is just needing a veg night
13. Print out some basic coloring sheets if Christmas stuff so it's on hand
I know this may sound like a lot of work for 25 days but it really is like a hobby and I don't really tell people (even my husband) how much time I spend working on it prior too...it's just my happy place.
So it may or may not be October 18th and I may or may not have Christmas music on and be drinking a white mocha...no judgement :)
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Here goes nothing...
If you have been close to me in the last two weeks you know Andy and I have been wrestling with some pretty big things...
For the rest of you here is my heart- full confession I am terrified to share any of this with you. I am scared that saying it aloud will make none of it come true. I am afraid I will put all of my faith, my thoughts, and my hopes out here and God will lead in a different direction and then that to people that are not in relationship with Jesus they would view it as Jesus not answering, as God not being present...but none of that would be true. In this blog I will voice to you my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my passion and then I will leave all at that...
So 1st off to get everyone on the same page you need to have some fundamental information: 1. Andy and I desire to continue to build our family 2. We are passionate about pursuing this and do not go into this lightly 3. We found a sibling set of boys (4,6) on a waiting child list 4. They are in Kansas, we are in Missouri 5. Adoption, personally brings me so close to the feet of Jesus because so much of all of it is NOT in my control. 6. The odds of getting these particular boys feels SLIM to NO CHANCE AT ALL because of said "system" and where we are in the process (aka-the VERY beginning). I tell all of you this so you don't go into panic mode or crazy excitement mode of Kylie and Andy having more children (although in all honesty it's going to be awhile till this house is "full" so you should get used to this type of blog post-haha)
So here's me taking a risk- I am taking a risk to be vulnerable to tell you about two kids that against all my better judgement tell me "it's not possible" but I have already gotten attached! So, we are going to either watch God unfold this beautiful miracle or we are going to watch devastation happen and watch God put all the pieces back together and maybe a mixture of all of that or somewhere in between...
I'm pretty sure this is all Andy's fault. Andy prays things and our home changes- He prayed initially to be a dad and 8 months later we were parents. He's praying again for God to lead our family to multiplying and guide us in that direction-
So two weeks ago I woke up to do my morning quiet time and after a little bit at 6:30am decided to search for waiting children (I'm confident that this is not normal). I was expecting not to find anything that fit all of my pickiness - which in reality is not that picky but when you are looking at waiting children lists it feels daunting. If you need something to keep you up at night- go onto the adoptuskids website and search for kids...20 kids on a page and 80 pages of just my search criteria...my heart breaks and I instantly start constructing a bunkbed plan in my head to maximize the space in my house. Is it possible to walk in the front door and see bunk beds? Who needs a living room anyway? And then onto another site- different site, same story...and then there they were...kids that "fit" Children that I felt like I was apart of and yet I couldn't explain it. I watched their video and I instantly thought "yes!" So, once Andy woke up I had to let him in on my little bit of crazy and confess that at 6:30am I was looking for children to add to our family (grateful he knows me and is comfortable with this level of crazy). We both watched their video and read their profile and we both felt the same way. We let a few days pass as we were just going to let God lead and then last Sunday Andy was having his quiet time in the hammock and he said, "Okay, this is our stance but when are we actually going to fill in the application and do what we need to do to pursue this on our end" (gotta love my activator husband) So, Monday morning we mailed off our application to become a foster/adopt parent in the state of missouri and the more I am learning we will just pray on everything holy that after we are "trained" that Kansas will be nice enough to consider us for these two boys.
So here's more of my crazy- I find myself praying for these boys daily.I find myself watching their videos and telling them that I love them and that God will tell them that they are loved. I am praying that God is preparing their heart to be adopted. That God is reassuring their hearts that they are wanted, that they are being longed for, that somewhere (over the state line) there is a crazy little family that wants desperately to be their forever family. I find myself praying for the caseworker that will get assigned to us, that she will work speedily. I pray for the first time we meet them. I pray that they would attach, that they would feel welcomed an cherished in our home. I pray that they don't have peanut butter allergies (I know I am working through this one-but we really like peanut butter in this house-LOL). I find my heart longing to spend Christmas, their birthday, and every other holiday together. I find myself daydreaming about Kadence and the boys going apple picking together, or swimming, or bike riding, or doing our bedtime routine together. I daydream about story time with all of them together, meal time, and playing outside together. I pray for their days while they are at school- I pray for their teachers and for their foster parents. I pray for their story and the trauma that led them to be so young and to be available for adoption. I pray for my ability to listen to their story and process it and love them through it. I pray for my fears of the unknown, I pray for my heart because it is loving 2 people that in no way have been promised by anyone to be ours.
Friday I was suffering from what I fondly call adoption fatigue...that moment when you are a bit bitter at the process and all of the red tape, where all of it feels like the daunting task that will never take place, where you are just mad that it is so easy for x,y,and z to have a family but for you it feels like there is an army standing before you making you prove that you want to be a parent and can adequately do it. Luckily God is gracious to me during my temper tantrums too...then there was this morning and I came downstairs to greet Andy and I told him this (if you know me you know I say phrases that I mean well but they come out not so great-lol) I told him that I feel the closest to our boys (yeah it's probably too soon to give them that title too-whoops) when I'm in the shower. He told me I shouldn't tell people that. But in the shower is where I have some of my most honest chats with Jesus and when I am there I find myself so at peace with this journey, so confident that we are on the right path, and that one day these boys will get to come home. So my showers this past week have been longer but I am leaning into the only thing I know can keep me grounded during this whole process...to know that our heart is in the right place- We want to love well, we want to create forever families for whomever God decides, and we want to have an open posture to whatever children He brings our way...and on this day that leads us to two boys that we are on our knees with God asking...are we their forever?
So prayer warriors will you join me? Will you join me in praying for however God chooses to grow our family? Will you pray for those two boys that have our hearts? Will you pray for Andy, Kadence, Jada, and I as we navigate this journey? Will you pray for the "system" to have a little mercy and work just a bit-ha? Will you pray for God's will to be done in this?
And I am going to do my best to trust, to lean into this journey and know that God is in control!
So there's all my vulnerability today...all of the unknown-now we are all in it together - you are welcome
Here's to hoping 2016 is the year that Kadence gets siblings (minus her college sister and her dog sister) ;)
For the rest of you here is my heart- full confession I am terrified to share any of this with you. I am scared that saying it aloud will make none of it come true. I am afraid I will put all of my faith, my thoughts, and my hopes out here and God will lead in a different direction and then that to people that are not in relationship with Jesus they would view it as Jesus not answering, as God not being present...but none of that would be true. In this blog I will voice to you my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my passion and then I will leave all at that...
So 1st off to get everyone on the same page you need to have some fundamental information: 1. Andy and I desire to continue to build our family 2. We are passionate about pursuing this and do not go into this lightly 3. We found a sibling set of boys (4,6) on a waiting child list 4. They are in Kansas, we are in Missouri 5. Adoption, personally brings me so close to the feet of Jesus because so much of all of it is NOT in my control. 6. The odds of getting these particular boys feels SLIM to NO CHANCE AT ALL because of said "system" and where we are in the process (aka-the VERY beginning). I tell all of you this so you don't go into panic mode or crazy excitement mode of Kylie and Andy having more children (although in all honesty it's going to be awhile till this house is "full" so you should get used to this type of blog post-haha)
So here's me taking a risk- I am taking a risk to be vulnerable to tell you about two kids that against all my better judgement tell me "it's not possible" but I have already gotten attached! So, we are going to either watch God unfold this beautiful miracle or we are going to watch devastation happen and watch God put all the pieces back together and maybe a mixture of all of that or somewhere in between...
I'm pretty sure this is all Andy's fault. Andy prays things and our home changes- He prayed initially to be a dad and 8 months later we were parents. He's praying again for God to lead our family to multiplying and guide us in that direction-
So two weeks ago I woke up to do my morning quiet time and after a little bit at 6:30am decided to search for waiting children (I'm confident that this is not normal). I was expecting not to find anything that fit all of my pickiness - which in reality is not that picky but when you are looking at waiting children lists it feels daunting. If you need something to keep you up at night- go onto the adoptuskids website and search for kids...20 kids on a page and 80 pages of just my search criteria...my heart breaks and I instantly start constructing a bunkbed plan in my head to maximize the space in my house. Is it possible to walk in the front door and see bunk beds? Who needs a living room anyway? And then onto another site- different site, same story...and then there they were...kids that "fit" Children that I felt like I was apart of and yet I couldn't explain it. I watched their video and I instantly thought "yes!" So, once Andy woke up I had to let him in on my little bit of crazy and confess that at 6:30am I was looking for children to add to our family (grateful he knows me and is comfortable with this level of crazy). We both watched their video and read their profile and we both felt the same way. We let a few days pass as we were just going to let God lead and then last Sunday Andy was having his quiet time in the hammock and he said, "Okay, this is our stance but when are we actually going to fill in the application and do what we need to do to pursue this on our end" (gotta love my activator husband) So, Monday morning we mailed off our application to become a foster/adopt parent in the state of missouri and the more I am learning we will just pray on everything holy that after we are "trained" that Kansas will be nice enough to consider us for these two boys.
So here's more of my crazy- I find myself praying for these boys daily.I find myself watching their videos and telling them that I love them and that God will tell them that they are loved. I am praying that God is preparing their heart to be adopted. That God is reassuring their hearts that they are wanted, that they are being longed for, that somewhere (over the state line) there is a crazy little family that wants desperately to be their forever family. I find myself praying for the caseworker that will get assigned to us, that she will work speedily. I pray for the first time we meet them. I pray that they would attach, that they would feel welcomed an cherished in our home. I pray that they don't have peanut butter allergies (I know I am working through this one-but we really like peanut butter in this house-LOL). I find my heart longing to spend Christmas, their birthday, and every other holiday together. I find myself daydreaming about Kadence and the boys going apple picking together, or swimming, or bike riding, or doing our bedtime routine together. I daydream about story time with all of them together, meal time, and playing outside together. I pray for their days while they are at school- I pray for their teachers and for their foster parents. I pray for their story and the trauma that led them to be so young and to be available for adoption. I pray for my ability to listen to their story and process it and love them through it. I pray for my fears of the unknown, I pray for my heart because it is loving 2 people that in no way have been promised by anyone to be ours.
Friday I was suffering from what I fondly call adoption fatigue...that moment when you are a bit bitter at the process and all of the red tape, where all of it feels like the daunting task that will never take place, where you are just mad that it is so easy for x,y,and z to have a family but for you it feels like there is an army standing before you making you prove that you want to be a parent and can adequately do it. Luckily God is gracious to me during my temper tantrums too...then there was this morning and I came downstairs to greet Andy and I told him this (if you know me you know I say phrases that I mean well but they come out not so great-lol) I told him that I feel the closest to our boys (yeah it's probably too soon to give them that title too-whoops) when I'm in the shower. He told me I shouldn't tell people that. But in the shower is where I have some of my most honest chats with Jesus and when I am there I find myself so at peace with this journey, so confident that we are on the right path, and that one day these boys will get to come home. So my showers this past week have been longer but I am leaning into the only thing I know can keep me grounded during this whole process...to know that our heart is in the right place- We want to love well, we want to create forever families for whomever God decides, and we want to have an open posture to whatever children He brings our way...and on this day that leads us to two boys that we are on our knees with God asking...are we their forever?
So prayer warriors will you join me? Will you join me in praying for however God chooses to grow our family? Will you pray for those two boys that have our hearts? Will you pray for Andy, Kadence, Jada, and I as we navigate this journey? Will you pray for the "system" to have a little mercy and work just a bit-ha? Will you pray for God's will to be done in this?
And I am going to do my best to trust, to lean into this journey and know that God is in control!
So there's all my vulnerability today...all of the unknown-now we are all in it together - you are welcome
Here's to hoping 2016 is the year that Kadence gets siblings (minus her college sister and her dog sister) ;)
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Zephaniah 3:17...
It's been awhile since I have blogged- but I can't stay away any longer...my brain is about to explode.
In the last month school has started, we have decided to send Kadence to preschool 2 days, we took our oldest to college, I have had some health stuff, Andy had a birthday, I hired another staff member, we went on a canoe trip, and we went on family camp...all while I have embraced this new mantra of Savoring Slow...
I have been and continue to start my day with coffee in the quiet of the morning with only me and Jesus and occasionally Jada when she wants to cuddle. It's amazing the peace that the stillness and silence of a house can bring.
I have taken a big X and put it through days on my calendar that indicate to me that I CAN NOT plan things on those days.
I have rearranged my schedule to be at home with Kadence a minimum of 1 day a week during the week to give us a slower rhythm (we are together most days but this is home and not going anywhere or doing anything days...intentionally her days to decide what we do those days)
I am a go getter, I am a highly driven person and I can't change that about myself but I can put some practices in place that make me a healthier mom, a healthier wife, and a healthier boss. When I love me well, I am able to love others well (I know a crazy concept- one I have been working on since way before I got married)
So, what about Zephaniah 3:17?
This was the very first Bible verse I ever memorized. I remember being in college and my mentor at the time asked me about my favorite Bible verses and I think the only thing I could rattle off was 1 Corinthians 13 and that was only because I had heard it so many times at weddings. I remember her teaching me Zephaniah 3:17 (in all honesty I don't think I ever new there was a book called Zephaniah in the Bible) but what was a foreign concept to me soon became something that at Breakfast, Lunch and everywhere in between I started to learn the words to this verse (I am pretty sure there were even motions). So that verse in underlined and more underlined in my Bible...fast forward to this past week...We listen to seeds worship CD's (Thank you to Katie and Jodi for letting me in on this goodness) and Kadence calls it her music. Track 8 came on and it is Zephaniah 3:17- I always sing along to it and reminisce about all that God has done since the day I told Him he could have my heart and that I would seek Him. I turned down the radio and had Kadence say Zephaniah 3:17 and phrase by phrase we said it together. That night we were rocking (one of my VERY most favorite things to do with Miss K- we usually sing at least 2 songs, and tell stories to each other, and pray together in this time and do some really silly things that get us both belly laughing before our time is up) and I said Zephaniah and she then said 3:17. I was shocked...so I said the next part "The Lord your God-and she says "is with me". Me- He is mighty K-to save Me- He will quiet you K-with his Love and just like that back and forth we said together Zephaniah 3:17. I don't know why I was shocked she picks up everything. But in that moment I held her tighter and I remembered all those lonely nights when I questioned God's promises, all those nights that I "knew" His truths but it wasn't enough to stop my tantrums. So there I sat holding in my arms the single best things that has ever happened in my life. The things that I wept for so long for- she was and continues to be my answer to so many prayers I have prayed. In that moment we stopped and truly let God "Quiet us with His love".
Every day I am mesmerized by this life I live- Im also taken aback in the many ways I botch it up every day-lol... but also in the many ways that God's grace takes all of that and loves me right where I am at.
For those that read this just to get updates on Miss K-
Her Favorite Color currently - Green, Pink, and Purple and ANYTHING with sparkles
She LOVES the characters - Paw Patrol, Minnie Mouse, Daniel Tiger, Peppa Pig and ANYTHING Disney Princess
Things she loves- Having crazy hair, shoes, swimming, cooking in the kitchen, washing her hands, riding bikes with daddy, reading books, being outside, playing dress up, anything that involves a bandaid, dinosaurs, sharks, and anything art related (coloring, paint, etc)
Her favorite foods- pasta, Costa Vida's Quesadillas, Ice Cream, goldfish, applesauce, grapes, watermelon, and cheese and...chocolate milk :)
Things she doesn't like- not getting her way (I think it comes with her age-haha)
In the last month school has started, we have decided to send Kadence to preschool 2 days, we took our oldest to college, I have had some health stuff, Andy had a birthday, I hired another staff member, we went on a canoe trip, and we went on family camp...all while I have embraced this new mantra of Savoring Slow...
I have been and continue to start my day with coffee in the quiet of the morning with only me and Jesus and occasionally Jada when she wants to cuddle. It's amazing the peace that the stillness and silence of a house can bring.
I have taken a big X and put it through days on my calendar that indicate to me that I CAN NOT plan things on those days.
I have rearranged my schedule to be at home with Kadence a minimum of 1 day a week during the week to give us a slower rhythm (we are together most days but this is home and not going anywhere or doing anything days...intentionally her days to decide what we do those days)
I am a go getter, I am a highly driven person and I can't change that about myself but I can put some practices in place that make me a healthier mom, a healthier wife, and a healthier boss. When I love me well, I am able to love others well (I know a crazy concept- one I have been working on since way before I got married)
So, what about Zephaniah 3:17?
This was the very first Bible verse I ever memorized. I remember being in college and my mentor at the time asked me about my favorite Bible verses and I think the only thing I could rattle off was 1 Corinthians 13 and that was only because I had heard it so many times at weddings. I remember her teaching me Zephaniah 3:17 (in all honesty I don't think I ever new there was a book called Zephaniah in the Bible) but what was a foreign concept to me soon became something that at Breakfast, Lunch and everywhere in between I started to learn the words to this verse (I am pretty sure there were even motions). So that verse in underlined and more underlined in my Bible...fast forward to this past week...We listen to seeds worship CD's (Thank you to Katie and Jodi for letting me in on this goodness) and Kadence calls it her music. Track 8 came on and it is Zephaniah 3:17- I always sing along to it and reminisce about all that God has done since the day I told Him he could have my heart and that I would seek Him. I turned down the radio and had Kadence say Zephaniah 3:17 and phrase by phrase we said it together. That night we were rocking (one of my VERY most favorite things to do with Miss K- we usually sing at least 2 songs, and tell stories to each other, and pray together in this time and do some really silly things that get us both belly laughing before our time is up) and I said Zephaniah and she then said 3:17. I was shocked...so I said the next part "The Lord your God-and she says "is with me". Me- He is mighty K-to save Me- He will quiet you K-with his Love and just like that back and forth we said together Zephaniah 3:17. I don't know why I was shocked she picks up everything. But in that moment I held her tighter and I remembered all those lonely nights when I questioned God's promises, all those nights that I "knew" His truths but it wasn't enough to stop my tantrums. So there I sat holding in my arms the single best things that has ever happened in my life. The things that I wept for so long for- she was and continues to be my answer to so many prayers I have prayed. In that moment we stopped and truly let God "Quiet us with His love".
Every day I am mesmerized by this life I live- Im also taken aback in the many ways I botch it up every day-lol... but also in the many ways that God's grace takes all of that and loves me right where I am at.
For those that read this just to get updates on Miss K-
Her Favorite Color currently - Green, Pink, and Purple and ANYTHING with sparkles
She LOVES the characters - Paw Patrol, Minnie Mouse, Daniel Tiger, Peppa Pig and ANYTHING Disney Princess
Things she loves- Having crazy hair, shoes, swimming, cooking in the kitchen, washing her hands, riding bikes with daddy, reading books, being outside, playing dress up, anything that involves a bandaid, dinosaurs, sharks, and anything art related (coloring, paint, etc)
Her favorite foods- pasta, Costa Vida's Quesadillas, Ice Cream, goldfish, applesauce, grapes, watermelon, and cheese and...chocolate milk :)
Things she doesn't like- not getting her way (I think it comes with her age-haha)
Sunday, June 28, 2015
The journey of taking less steps...
So, I got a new phone! I did it! I have had the same phone number since I was 16 (I won't do the math for you but that is a long time to have the same number). My number and I had a love/hate relationship. I loved it because we had journeyed for so long together but I hated it because that dang phone got in the way of many family events, conversations, pee breaks, and everything else...I was a slave to my phone. In honesty I liked the appearance of being needed, I mean if your phone goes off 24/7 you must be important right...and that's what life is all about...being important...
Somewhere along the way I have created a very unhealthy relationship with that piece of technology. It wasn't till I was on a solitude retreat and I turned off all notifications for the weekend and I did it...I missed calls, I missed text messages, and I undoubtedly let someone down but it was so freeing to not know where that damn phone was all the time. There was something about it that felt right for my soul. Then, there was the dreaded date night conversation almost two weeks later that Andy would actually prefer that people couldn't get ahold of me during dinner, bedtime, breakfast, or the countless other times that emergencies or crisis would infringe on OUR time (I know shocking that he would feel that way). Why wasn't I allowed to take a day off? Why wasn't I allowed to not answer the phone? Why wasn't I allowed to not be present? I would never desire or think that was healthy for another soul so why had I allowed that to become my norm? The countless conversations I had with Jesus the month of May were UGLY- had I really let a piece of technology become a God to me?
I am always in the learning posture and so I found other Executive Directors that are christians and have families and started asking them what their relationship was with their phone. All were living my life, all were hating yet loving this small piece of technology. I remember driving and yelling at God and telling Him that it would be so much easier if I had a good example- if I could see someone living my life and still able to hit the off button. But, everyone I ran into was overworked, a little bitter, and enslaved by their phone/email and all of the other ways that people could get ahold of them. It felt helpless, I felt defeated...I felt scared. So, I told God I would do it- I would do it for my health, for my marriage, for my family, for Him...
So for Father's day I made the fateful decision that I would change my number for Andy, for our family, for God, for ME!
So (in my selfless act I was able to actually upgrade my phone and pay less than we were)- I know, Kylie the martyr! HA! So my new phone has these really cool/creepy (the words are interchangeable) capabilities. One of them is that it tracks your steps. The first day I had it I walked 25 steps. I was shocked that I could only walk 25 steps in a day and the shame started to flow in about my laziness and then I remembered that I didn't have a case for my phone so I left my phone on a shelf while I did life. So, I had indeed taken WAY more than 25 steps that day (did I forget to mention I have a VERY ACTIVE two year old) but my PHONE had only been with me for 25 of those steps. That was something I was VERY proud of!!! It has now become a game of something I check before I go to bed at night and something I reflect on- how much of life can I do WITHOUT my phone. So, Where as people with fitness goals want the number to be as high as possible my goal is to make it as low as possible...less than 1,000...enough to slow down, to be present, to be fully engaged and to not be reachable 24/7. It's a journey- I still have to train some people in my life...but it's worth it.
If seems so dumb to write a whole blog post on how my phone was more important than the people in my life. It doesn't feel great to admit it or to be transparent in that regard but I have learned throughout this journey that being transparent is how God uses me to crash into other people and their journey. So here is my hope that someone out there longing to be important and needed to...that you will find the courage to let go. When I am gone I don't want the person that gets up and give my eulogy to be my CELL PHONE!
So here's to my journey of taking less steps with my phone! To turning off work! Here's the journey of using the phone to take pictures of my girl and my handsome husband, to using my phone to check in on family or to schedule coffee/lunch dates that are not work focused. To use my phone to sign up to help others that are in the time of need by bringing a meal or going out with friends...there is so much more that I can do with my phone that creates a better me, doesn't breed resentment, and creates a healthy life balance.
Grateful that God is working on me through all of this...
(*My disclaimer- I still love the people that I loved and their late night text messages and their crisis'- my love and passion for them has not changed- I think it is actually growing leaps and bounds-I still want them in my life- I still want to do life side by side- I am just protecting my family and protecting me)
Somewhere along the way I have created a very unhealthy relationship with that piece of technology. It wasn't till I was on a solitude retreat and I turned off all notifications for the weekend and I did it...I missed calls, I missed text messages, and I undoubtedly let someone down but it was so freeing to not know where that damn phone was all the time. There was something about it that felt right for my soul. Then, there was the dreaded date night conversation almost two weeks later that Andy would actually prefer that people couldn't get ahold of me during dinner, bedtime, breakfast, or the countless other times that emergencies or crisis would infringe on OUR time (I know shocking that he would feel that way). Why wasn't I allowed to take a day off? Why wasn't I allowed to not answer the phone? Why wasn't I allowed to not be present? I would never desire or think that was healthy for another soul so why had I allowed that to become my norm? The countless conversations I had with Jesus the month of May were UGLY- had I really let a piece of technology become a God to me?
I am always in the learning posture and so I found other Executive Directors that are christians and have families and started asking them what their relationship was with their phone. All were living my life, all were hating yet loving this small piece of technology. I remember driving and yelling at God and telling Him that it would be so much easier if I had a good example- if I could see someone living my life and still able to hit the off button. But, everyone I ran into was overworked, a little bitter, and enslaved by their phone/email and all of the other ways that people could get ahold of them. It felt helpless, I felt defeated...I felt scared. So, I told God I would do it- I would do it for my health, for my marriage, for my family, for Him...
So for Father's day I made the fateful decision that I would change my number for Andy, for our family, for God, for ME!
So (in my selfless act I was able to actually upgrade my phone and pay less than we were)- I know, Kylie the martyr! HA! So my new phone has these really cool/creepy (the words are interchangeable) capabilities. One of them is that it tracks your steps. The first day I had it I walked 25 steps. I was shocked that I could only walk 25 steps in a day and the shame started to flow in about my laziness and then I remembered that I didn't have a case for my phone so I left my phone on a shelf while I did life. So, I had indeed taken WAY more than 25 steps that day (did I forget to mention I have a VERY ACTIVE two year old) but my PHONE had only been with me for 25 of those steps. That was something I was VERY proud of!!! It has now become a game of something I check before I go to bed at night and something I reflect on- how much of life can I do WITHOUT my phone. So, Where as people with fitness goals want the number to be as high as possible my goal is to make it as low as possible...less than 1,000...enough to slow down, to be present, to be fully engaged and to not be reachable 24/7. It's a journey- I still have to train some people in my life...but it's worth it.
If seems so dumb to write a whole blog post on how my phone was more important than the people in my life. It doesn't feel great to admit it or to be transparent in that regard but I have learned throughout this journey that being transparent is how God uses me to crash into other people and their journey. So here is my hope that someone out there longing to be important and needed to...that you will find the courage to let go. When I am gone I don't want the person that gets up and give my eulogy to be my CELL PHONE!
So here's to my journey of taking less steps with my phone! To turning off work! Here's the journey of using the phone to take pictures of my girl and my handsome husband, to using my phone to check in on family or to schedule coffee/lunch dates that are not work focused. To use my phone to sign up to help others that are in the time of need by bringing a meal or going out with friends...there is so much more that I can do with my phone that creates a better me, doesn't breed resentment, and creates a healthy life balance.
Grateful that God is working on me through all of this...
(*My disclaimer- I still love the people that I loved and their late night text messages and their crisis'- my love and passion for them has not changed- I think it is actually growing leaps and bounds-I still want them in my life- I still want to do life side by side- I am just protecting my family and protecting me)
Monday, April 20, 2015
When you can't process, you blog...
So if you have spent anytime at all on my Facebook, or on social media at all over the last few days you have probably seen Josh's story. You have probably seen this unfolding nightmare that came out of nowhere...I just read a horrific version of this story which is probably accurate but as Josh and Melissa's friend it was VERY hard to read! So I decided to write my own story...
Meet Josh and Melissa- I met Josh through Andy when Josh and Melissa were expecting their twins. Josh and Andy worked the same wheel and same shift together. Andy told Josh that I was at home at night and could help out when their twins were born. Who knew that would be the beginning of something so beautiful. The girls were born in December of that year and over that next year Melissa and I did a lot of rocking, changing diapers, feeding, and holding sleeping babies while we laughed, cried and bonded. It was over the course of this, sour patch kids, sweet tea, and countless chick flicks that Melissa and I grew to be friends. Melissa was always a hard worker, always calm, always crafty, always the comforter. Over the years Andy and I continued to grow closer to Josh and Melissa and their children. They joined our church, we did countless lunch/dinner times together, dog sitting and our lives continued to get knit together...they are our people.
Somewhere along that journey Andy and I started Pro Deo and for as long as I can remember they have helped out with Pro Deo. Josh grilling out hot dogs, bringing the twins over to eat at our house with the teens, Josh driving for events, delivering Christmas presents to our teens. Melissa helping at girls night, bringing food for events...you need anything and one or both of them are there. This past August I was able to bring Melissa on as our Administrative Director because her skill set works really well at balancing my...well let's say LOUD self. She keeps me organized, on task, takes all of the burdens of daily life off of me...in many regards I wouldn't be "me" if it wasn't for her.
So let me tell you about what I know about Josh through our friendship with them:
Josh LOVES his job! He loves being a cop, he loves being a part of that brotherhood. He helps out on the department with things they are doing, takes overtime where he can, and always goes above and beyond the call of duty. He within the past year got promoted to being a detective which he also LOVES! He is proud of the work he does, he is proud of what he brings to the department, and he works very hard at what he does.
Josh LOVES his family. When Josh is not at work you can find him playing zombie games, sword fights with his girls, being a super hero (I mean who has twin girls and by the time they were 4 could pretty much name most if not all the marvel characters), or wrestling around. You can always see the spark in his eye that he has for his wife and anytime she would let him he would steal a kiss from her. He is in all aspects of the word a family man and a man that loves them to their core.
I guess I got so emotional reading some of the stories that are out there now on Josh because they may share the "facts" but they don't know Josh. They don't know that he will bust his ass to be a Husband, father, and cop again. He will and is fighting every day to walk out of that hospital. Their story doesn't depict the hope that comes when a whole community steps up and prays for a man's journey. Their story doesn't show the power of what God can do or the healing that can take place. Their story doesn't show the ripple effect that his story is having on this community. This family is LOVED, this family has HOPE, this family is FIGHTING...so you may have the facts but I know that God is greater than the facts. God can heal Josh, God can comfort Melissa, God can continue to raise up an army to take care of their family. So I might not be a journalist but what I can tell you is that there is HOPE.
One more thing I am processing through this all:
I am proud of the LSPD. Being a police officer in this world is not glamorous any more. I get on Facebook daily only to find another post of F the police. Gone are the days where little kids long to be police officers. Everyone wants to talk about what cop stopped them, how this cop made the wrong choice, etc, etc. As a wife who loves her police officer it has been an INCREDIBLY hard year listening to all of the criticism of his profession. But in a situation like Josh's there is no other field I would rather my husband be in. What other field could you be in where your co-workers are there around the clock supporting you, they are around the clock taking care of your spouse and children. They are taking care of meals, working on the lawn, getting chocolate milk for the girls' breakfast...this "brotherhood" people speak of is real, it is powerful, and it is profoundly humbling to watch it unfold before my eyes. So say what you want about police officers but this department has knocked my socks off in my expectations for what a brotherhood would be like and I am proud to be a part of this family.
Josh- We love you. We are praying for you fervently...and banding together with the rest of the community taking care of your family so that you can focus on the fight ahead of you. Sending you hugs and prayers constantly.
Melissa- Girlfriend...you have got some badass super hero strength(maybe that's why Josh is such a huge fan of yours)! I am in awe of the week you have had and your ability to walk through each day. I admire you for how you take each day and how you stand by Josh through this all while caring for your precious babies. I admire your strength even when you don't feel like you have any. I admire you as a wife and a mom. Your journey ahead of you is going to be long, it's probably going to be hard...we will not leave you. Not after this week, not after this year, we are in this forever with you, we are committed to you and to your family. When your strength is gone, when calm cucumber has walked out the door...we will come pick you up for some sour patch kids till our tongues are numb and then we will go back hand and hand to face the day again.
This feels more like what I wanted to read tonight...these are the other "facts"
Sunday, April 5, 2015
The Grant that saved my life...
In non-profit work you have grants. You write grants, you receive grants (fingers crossed-lol), and life can operate on a grant cycle. This past fall/winter we applied for a grant. It was a grant for healthy lifestyles. Although I was excited about the ideas and the prospects for potential community partners I had no idea the impact it would have on my personal life. I knew when we submitted the grant that if we had received it that we had to be all in from top management all the way down. I couldn't require teens that have no natural desire for healthy living to make such drastic changes if I too wasn't willing to go on the journey. It should make sense that this was my approach sense we run our organization with the "with" mentality. I want to be in the trenches WITH my people...so I knew the first step to this was I needed to make a doctors appointment to deal with some annoying things I had tried to avoid/ignore for going on a year now. To spare you all of the medical details my GI was/is messed up and that was a nice understatement. This decision to deal with this was not an easy one, not a cheap one, and not one that I was terribly excited to address but knew it needed to be done. The week we got word that we got the grant was a horrible week in my life- one that was filled with tears and much stress...I was a mess to say the least. I remember sitting at the coffee shop processing all that was going on and making the realization of the changes that getting this grant were going to mean for me and my family. As testing continued, dr visits continued to accumulate here I was at the crossroads...then there was spring break and the grant was officially kicking off...and the phone rang...
It was the doctor and although they had several tests that were still out (and still actually are as I type this) they had discovered at least one piece of the puzzle and that was that I had something "cool" called Gastroparesis (I still to this day have hit or miss days on being able to spell that awesome name) and to set up a meeting to meet with the doctor again. We met and as we started processing things I was well aware that my life was changing before my very eyes. At first I was in denial- at first I googled everything and was like this is SO not me...but then I did some more research (beyond google, WebMD, and the Mayo Clinic) and what I found were real people that had been suffering for way to long like me with out a diagnosis. Things that I couldn't put into words, things I had shook off as just my "quirks" and had no idea they were all tied together. What I found were lifestyle changes that I was having to make. More sleep, less stress (I actually am doing really poorly with the first two on many days), less fat, very little fiber, and the worst no blueberries or strawberries...I was confident that I was not going to be defined by my "diagnosis" since I struggled with that so long with PCOS too. The more I read and the more changes I have been making the more that I feel like this is the route I am to be taking. I am only two weeks in to my "new life", I still have bad days where I struggle just to function but I have been experiencing the bad days for so long that I have learned how to plow through them and put a smile on my face. If anything it has given me the freedom to say out loud that I don't feel well after I eat or when a certain meal makes things worse. It has also made me not feel like I'm crazy and that all of this pain I have been enduring was not "just in my head" or something else. It also has made me a student of my own body- figuring out how it is supposed to work, what helps and what hurts it and to learn everything I can to better me.
So here I am two weeks in, appreciative for a grant that helped me take the courage and be brave to go to the doctor. To a grant that is making the means available for the people in my life and myself to seek a healthy lifestyle together, eat healthy together, and discover these changes together. Taking the bodies that God has given us, embracing them and all of their quirks, and becoming our own advocate and deciding to live well with whatever path we are given. So thanks to our grantors, to the drs, to the teens in this journey too, to Melissa that posts encouraging pictures for the teens that actually helps me too, for my fitness pal, and for my hubby who has been so encouraging and supportive through this whole life change. My life is different now and as more tests come in I am sure my life will continue to change but for now I am grateful to learn the things I am, and have the opportunity to be in the trenches with others making their lives better. Accepting this, advocating for me, and believing that God is creating a good work in me and that he can heal things even when medicine says it's not possible...
That's what's been going on over here and what happens when a grant actually has the potential to change your life...not just in a financial blessing...but protecting and saving my health and the health of the people I love...GRATEFUL
Saturday, March 7, 2015
To my second daughter...
Two weeks ago we welcomed another child into our home, she's 17, and she stole my heart a long time before she had a bed in my home...this letter is for her...
To my daughter,
I do not pick my words lightly. God has woven your story into my story and I am forever grateful and forever changed because of our relationship. I know that I didn't birth you, didn't raise you, and only have three years under my belt at loving you but I want you to know that I loved you the moment you walked through my doors. But what I thought was love then is so much deeper than any words could ever express today. Every path and part of your story that we have been on since then has made this moment in time where we are at so much sweeter. I don't take it lightly the pain you have endured or the moments that have made up your journey up to this point. There are really painful moments in your journey that are burned into my memory forever but they no longer make me sad for you they make me incredibly proud of you. You have let God take so much brokenness and make it beautiful. You are one of the most incredible young women I have ever met and I am proud to know you. I see your tender heart and it makes me want to wrap my arms around you and nurture you. I want you to know that these arms will be here to hold you on the good days and on the hard days when the world has been unfair or unloving. I am here to listen, to love, to be a sounding board, and to encourage you to continue to fight. I want you to know that I see your beauty- I see your smile, your eyes the way they lights up and I find myself praying for the man that will be your husband. I pray that he will love you well. He will speak your love language. I pray that he will treat you in every way that you deserve but have yet to experience. I pray that he will be a man of God that will lead you into a deeper relationship with Christ. I pray that he would nurture you, protect you, and love you selflessly. I see your servants heart and how you love others and I am proud to know you. I see how tender your heart is when you love and I know that God is going to use that as you grow to love others, to be an excellent wife, and an amazing mom, and follower of Jesus. You are so special, I hope you know that. They don't make people like you- people that have endured the things you have endured and can still come through the trenches and see the glass as half full and still have a child like heart. You are a fighter and stronger than most of the people I have met. Thanks for not giving up when it gets hard! Your courage you have showed me over the last threenyears and even more so these past 4 months is a force to be reckoned with. Thanks for letting me love you, I love that loving you is part of my daily life...I am better for getting to love you. I thank you for trusting me on this journey- trusting me and all the people I throw at you. :) Thanks for letting them be a part of your journey too. I am here for the fun- the countless nexflix hours we will take part in, the laughing, shopping, the arts and crafts, the cooking, the coffee...it is all so much fun! I am also here for the pain- when girls are hateful, when people treat you in a way you don't deserve to be treated, when a boy is dumb and breaks your heart, or when you are just exhausted from your journey I am here to rock you (literally) or just hug you and listen to the pain of it all. I want you to know that I am not going anywhere- that I am in this for the long haul- you get me for better or worse from this day forward ( I feel like I made this vow in my heart to you a long time ago-but if you in't know it-I'm telling you today)...I am confident you didn't know you were walking into all of this when I met you for the first time and in all fairness I didn't know that I was getting all of this either but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thanks for being in my home, teaching me how to love, and adding another level of joy to our home. We are blessed and can't imagine our life without you.
We love you!
I do not pick my words lightly. God has woven your story into my story and I am forever grateful and forever changed because of our relationship. I know that I didn't birth you, didn't raise you, and only have three years under my belt at loving you but I want you to know that I loved you the moment you walked through my doors. But what I thought was love then is so much deeper than any words could ever express today. Every path and part of your story that we have been on since then has made this moment in time where we are at so much sweeter. I don't take it lightly the pain you have endured or the moments that have made up your journey up to this point. There are really painful moments in your journey that are burned into my memory forever but they no longer make me sad for you they make me incredibly proud of you. You have let God take so much brokenness and make it beautiful. You are one of the most incredible young women I have ever met and I am proud to know you. I see your tender heart and it makes me want to wrap my arms around you and nurture you. I want you to know that these arms will be here to hold you on the good days and on the hard days when the world has been unfair or unloving. I am here to listen, to love, to be a sounding board, and to encourage you to continue to fight. I want you to know that I see your beauty- I see your smile, your eyes the way they lights up and I find myself praying for the man that will be your husband. I pray that he will love you well. He will speak your love language. I pray that he will treat you in every way that you deserve but have yet to experience. I pray that he will be a man of God that will lead you into a deeper relationship with Christ. I pray that he would nurture you, protect you, and love you selflessly. I see your servants heart and how you love others and I am proud to know you. I see how tender your heart is when you love and I know that God is going to use that as you grow to love others, to be an excellent wife, and an amazing mom, and follower of Jesus. You are so special, I hope you know that. They don't make people like you- people that have endured the things you have endured and can still come through the trenches and see the glass as half full and still have a child like heart. You are a fighter and stronger than most of the people I have met. Thanks for not giving up when it gets hard! Your courage you have showed me over the last threenyears and even more so these past 4 months is a force to be reckoned with. Thanks for letting me love you, I love that loving you is part of my daily life...I am better for getting to love you. I thank you for trusting me on this journey- trusting me and all the people I throw at you. :) Thanks for letting them be a part of your journey too. I am here for the fun- the countless nexflix hours we will take part in, the laughing, shopping, the arts and crafts, the cooking, the coffee...it is all so much fun! I am also here for the pain- when girls are hateful, when people treat you in a way you don't deserve to be treated, when a boy is dumb and breaks your heart, or when you are just exhausted from your journey I am here to rock you (literally) or just hug you and listen to the pain of it all. I want you to know that I am not going anywhere- that I am in this for the long haul- you get me for better or worse from this day forward ( I feel like I made this vow in my heart to you a long time ago-but if you in't know it-I'm telling you today)...I am confident you didn't know you were walking into all of this when I met you for the first time and in all fairness I didn't know that I was getting all of this either but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thanks for being in my home, teaching me how to love, and adding another level of joy to our home. We are blessed and can't imagine our life without you.
We love you!
Sunday, February 8, 2015
All up in my feelings...
God is active, and moving, and healing, and hearing, and changing, and shaking this world I live in...
I'm all up in my feelings today- maybe it's because the sweater I wore today was the sweater I wore when I was doing skin to skin contact with Kadence for the first time in the delivery room. I remember watching our birth mom go through contractions and remember wishing that I could give that for Kadence and then realizing the beauty of watching someone so brave and strong do just that. I remember when the nurse placed Kadence in my arms...I remember her gooey eyes and how stinking hungry and alert she was...I remember staying up all night and just being in awe of her story, of my story and God's love for our family...
Maybe I am up in my feelings because it was this week two years ago that Andy and I got to see Kadence for the first time on a sonogram, got to hear her heart beat...and now nightly when she is in my arms I hear that same heart beat beat up against mine.
Maybe I am up in my feelings today because even when I see God's face all over my daily life there are still hard days when I long for more. The pain of adding to our family is real. I long for more children, I long to watch my family grow and I know that we, as Kylie and Andy, can't do that on our own. It hurts to get down to the nitty gritty emotions and feel so helpless in the adoption journey. The wait, the longing...it's all very real. The holding on to baby things, thinking will we ever need these again? I want to be in awe of how God is continuing to write this story but in some of my realest moments I am scared, in my realest honesty it is hard and I want to loose hope. The pain of not conceiving is real, the pain of people not choosing adoption is real, the pain of wrestling through all of this with Jesus is very real.
Maybe I am up in my feelings today because we have entered the "birthday month" the month where Kadence, myself, my mother in law, one of my best friends, and everyone in between is having a birthday and I find myself reflecting when and how am I the best me I can be? Where have I been, where am I going? Am I someone that Jesus would trust with others hearts? Am I the follower of Jesus that I long to be? Am I the mom, friend, wife, leader that I feel Jesus has called me to be? There is a lot of reflection and a lot of evaluating that takes place.
Maybe I am up in my feelings because this week marks the three month marker of a really important event in the life of someone I love so much. Her making the decision to be clean flipped my life upside down, in the best of ways...it has been a long journey and we are only three months in. I have learned a lot about boundaries, walking when it's hard, and how to piss off a teenager (lol)...I'm actually really good at it...but I am so incredibly proud of where she has been and where she is going. I am proud of the tears she has shed to get here and that she puts in the work and pushes forward when it gets tough. I am proud of the community that I live in that has stepped up to the plate to surround her. They have surrounded her with meals, toiletries, incentives, rides, an ear to hear her, and so much more. For 90 days, we have watched this young girl choose sobriety and it gets me all up in my feelings because I love her in a way that tears my heart to pieces in the best of ways and I am so proud of her!
Maybe I am up in my feelings today because I don't get a lot of time in my life where I can just fall apart at the seams and curl up in the fetal position and cry(lol)- it doesn't matter if the tears are happy or sad. Sometimes I just need unplanned times to be me and deal with my heart. Today is one of those days. It could be that I have had a really emotionally draining yet empowering month at work. I've had to do some really hard things but yet have seen God's blessings all over those decisions and know that our organization is healthier because of the decisions that have been made. Maybe I am this way because I have seen God crash into the lives of kids I love left and right this past month. I have seen them worship together, discuss the Bible, and seek mentoring and change...things I have longed to see and am seeing. Maybe it's because the kid that was an outcast is now has a peer group. Maybe it's because volunteers I have longed to have are stepping up to the plate. Maybe it's because that boy I have longed to see have a breakthrough broke through and maybe now he finally knows his worth. Maybe it's because I love having a staff and love having volunteers that are burdened for the same lives that my heart hurts for. Maybe I am all up in my feelings because I watch "church" get lived out in front of my every day and it is powerful beyond words.
Maybe I am all up in my feelings because shane and shane is on iTunes and they single handedly (with the help of sidewalk prophets) can bring my worship out :) Although, He Knows by Jeremy Camp just came on and whoa it gets me every time...
Maybe I am up in my emotions because I've seen God crashing into the lives of my family. Andy and I have been praying for God to be "real" to some of our family. And He is, and they are seeking, and He is growing in their hearts...and although it's just the beginnings that has me all up in my feelings...
Maybe I am up in my feelings because a kid I have prayed for so long, walked in unexpectedly today to church...no invite...haven't even seen him in almost two years..on his own AND 41 days clean! I'm a heap of a mess. God brings him through the door and the topic at church today was answering the question of how many times can we sin before God turns his back...
Oh God, you are so great...you take my pain and the pain of every person I know and turn it into something beautiful...and here I sit as Gungor Beautiful Things "randomly" comes onto iTunes...I am a heap of a mess with a white mocha and stellar iTunes play list, and a God that has got this...God has not given up on you or me. God is healing. God is taking us at our worst and making us beautiful! God is taking me all up in my feelings and He is every so tenderly putting the pieces of my heart back together. God is good. I trust Him. And for now it's okay to be all up in my feelings...
I'm all up in my feelings today- maybe it's because the sweater I wore today was the sweater I wore when I was doing skin to skin contact with Kadence for the first time in the delivery room. I remember watching our birth mom go through contractions and remember wishing that I could give that for Kadence and then realizing the beauty of watching someone so brave and strong do just that. I remember when the nurse placed Kadence in my arms...I remember her gooey eyes and how stinking hungry and alert she was...I remember staying up all night and just being in awe of her story, of my story and God's love for our family...
Maybe I am up in my feelings because it was this week two years ago that Andy and I got to see Kadence for the first time on a sonogram, got to hear her heart beat...and now nightly when she is in my arms I hear that same heart beat beat up against mine.
Maybe I am up in my feelings today because even when I see God's face all over my daily life there are still hard days when I long for more. The pain of adding to our family is real. I long for more children, I long to watch my family grow and I know that we, as Kylie and Andy, can't do that on our own. It hurts to get down to the nitty gritty emotions and feel so helpless in the adoption journey. The wait, the longing...it's all very real. The holding on to baby things, thinking will we ever need these again? I want to be in awe of how God is continuing to write this story but in some of my realest moments I am scared, in my realest honesty it is hard and I want to loose hope. The pain of not conceiving is real, the pain of people not choosing adoption is real, the pain of wrestling through all of this with Jesus is very real.
Maybe I am up in my feelings today because we have entered the "birthday month" the month where Kadence, myself, my mother in law, one of my best friends, and everyone in between is having a birthday and I find myself reflecting when and how am I the best me I can be? Where have I been, where am I going? Am I someone that Jesus would trust with others hearts? Am I the follower of Jesus that I long to be? Am I the mom, friend, wife, leader that I feel Jesus has called me to be? There is a lot of reflection and a lot of evaluating that takes place.
Maybe I am up in my feelings because this week marks the three month marker of a really important event in the life of someone I love so much. Her making the decision to be clean flipped my life upside down, in the best of ways...it has been a long journey and we are only three months in. I have learned a lot about boundaries, walking when it's hard, and how to piss off a teenager (lol)...I'm actually really good at it...but I am so incredibly proud of where she has been and where she is going. I am proud of the tears she has shed to get here and that she puts in the work and pushes forward when it gets tough. I am proud of the community that I live in that has stepped up to the plate to surround her. They have surrounded her with meals, toiletries, incentives, rides, an ear to hear her, and so much more. For 90 days, we have watched this young girl choose sobriety and it gets me all up in my feelings because I love her in a way that tears my heart to pieces in the best of ways and I am so proud of her!
Maybe I am up in my feelings today because I don't get a lot of time in my life where I can just fall apart at the seams and curl up in the fetal position and cry(lol)- it doesn't matter if the tears are happy or sad. Sometimes I just need unplanned times to be me and deal with my heart. Today is one of those days. It could be that I have had a really emotionally draining yet empowering month at work. I've had to do some really hard things but yet have seen God's blessings all over those decisions and know that our organization is healthier because of the decisions that have been made. Maybe I am this way because I have seen God crash into the lives of kids I love left and right this past month. I have seen them worship together, discuss the Bible, and seek mentoring and change...things I have longed to see and am seeing. Maybe it's because the kid that was an outcast is now has a peer group. Maybe it's because volunteers I have longed to have are stepping up to the plate. Maybe it's because that boy I have longed to see have a breakthrough broke through and maybe now he finally knows his worth. Maybe it's because I love having a staff and love having volunteers that are burdened for the same lives that my heart hurts for. Maybe I am all up in my feelings because I watch "church" get lived out in front of my every day and it is powerful beyond words.
Maybe I am all up in my feelings because shane and shane is on iTunes and they single handedly (with the help of sidewalk prophets) can bring my worship out :) Although, He Knows by Jeremy Camp just came on and whoa it gets me every time...
Maybe I am up in my emotions because I've seen God crashing into the lives of my family. Andy and I have been praying for God to be "real" to some of our family. And He is, and they are seeking, and He is growing in their hearts...and although it's just the beginnings that has me all up in my feelings...
Maybe I am up in my feelings because a kid I have prayed for so long, walked in unexpectedly today to church...no invite...haven't even seen him in almost two years..on his own AND 41 days clean! I'm a heap of a mess. God brings him through the door and the topic at church today was answering the question of how many times can we sin before God turns his back...
Oh God, you are so great...you take my pain and the pain of every person I know and turn it into something beautiful...and here I sit as Gungor Beautiful Things "randomly" comes onto iTunes...I am a heap of a mess with a white mocha and stellar iTunes play list, and a God that has got this...God has not given up on you or me. God is healing. God is taking us at our worst and making us beautiful! God is taking me all up in my feelings and He is every so tenderly putting the pieces of my heart back together. God is good. I trust Him. And for now it's okay to be all up in my feelings...
Sunday, January 18, 2015
More fun than I know what to do with...
My Kid is amazing and more fun than this mom knows what to do with...
I know lots of people probably say that but I seriously find myself daily thinking, does it get better than this?
Kadence is FULL of life, laughter, chatter, and new things daily...This week alone we realized that Kadence can spit off her ABC's, that she can make full sentences, she can count 1-11 or 12 depending on the day but 5 is always missing, and that she is probably (although I hate to admit it) ready to potty train.
Some of my favorite sayings that Kadence says are..."What you doing here?"- what she says when she wants to know what I am doing. "I hold you?"- What she says when she wants you to pick her up. "I pray?" What she says when mommy or daddy have forgotten to say grace or bedtime prayers (WHOOPS!) Today she asked for a baby sister-lop...let me get right on that! Today she also dropped her zippy cup and said "Uh Oh mommy, I drop water on the floor" and I laughed because it didn't spill because it was in a sippy cup.
Around the house she helps with daily things- She can put all three trash cans back upstairs and puts them exactly where they go. She can put her pj's away. She gets her laundry from our bedroom (where we fold clothes) and takes it to her closet. She can put her own socks on (tonight she came out of the room with socks on her hands and feet!) She can also help put dishes away- which usually looks like taking them from the bottom shelf and putting them on the top or taking out her princess plate and running it around the house.
She loves baths, paint, being outside, checking the mail, cooking in her play kitchen, and playing house. Her favorite shows are still Elmo, Frozen, and Rio although sometimes she is game for Curious George, Clifford, or Minnie Mouse (but Netflix doesn't have a real good option for this).
I could sit and watch her play, think, and work for hours...I am in awe of how she thinks, the things that make her giggle, and what she picks up...the other day we were in the bath and she started laughing and said, "Oh, geez" and I laughed even harder :)
She still loves books and can spend hours flipping through books and my favorite is now she "reads" the books back to you and that is about as heart warming as it gets.
Sorry this post is so..."I think Kditty is amazing" but I am just having one of those days where I'm in awe of my family, of my little girl, and just taking this life one day at a time...it's pretty GREAT!
I LOVE BEING A MOM!!!!!
I know lots of people probably say that but I seriously find myself daily thinking, does it get better than this?
Kadence is FULL of life, laughter, chatter, and new things daily...This week alone we realized that Kadence can spit off her ABC's, that she can make full sentences, she can count 1-11 or 12 depending on the day but 5 is always missing, and that she is probably (although I hate to admit it) ready to potty train.
Some of my favorite sayings that Kadence says are..."What you doing here?"- what she says when she wants to know what I am doing. "I hold you?"- What she says when she wants you to pick her up. "I pray?" What she says when mommy or daddy have forgotten to say grace or bedtime prayers (WHOOPS!) Today she asked for a baby sister-lop...let me get right on that! Today she also dropped her zippy cup and said "Uh Oh mommy, I drop water on the floor" and I laughed because it didn't spill because it was in a sippy cup.
Around the house she helps with daily things- She can put all three trash cans back upstairs and puts them exactly where they go. She can put her pj's away. She gets her laundry from our bedroom (where we fold clothes) and takes it to her closet. She can put her own socks on (tonight she came out of the room with socks on her hands and feet!) She can also help put dishes away- which usually looks like taking them from the bottom shelf and putting them on the top or taking out her princess plate and running it around the house.
She loves baths, paint, being outside, checking the mail, cooking in her play kitchen, and playing house. Her favorite shows are still Elmo, Frozen, and Rio although sometimes she is game for Curious George, Clifford, or Minnie Mouse (but Netflix doesn't have a real good option for this).
I could sit and watch her play, think, and work for hours...I am in awe of how she thinks, the things that make her giggle, and what she picks up...the other day we were in the bath and she started laughing and said, "Oh, geez" and I laughed even harder :)
She still loves books and can spend hours flipping through books and my favorite is now she "reads" the books back to you and that is about as heart warming as it gets.
Sorry this post is so..."I think Kditty is amazing" but I am just having one of those days where I'm in awe of my family, of my little girl, and just taking this life one day at a time...it's pretty GREAT!
I LOVE BEING A MOM!!!!!
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