I'm scared! That's the short and narrow of all of my emotions.
Today I asked Andy how do you balance excitement and love that is overflowing from everything in me with the fear and reality that I am completely out of control when it comes to the decision of placing this little girl in our life. I want her so bad! I want to be a mommy! I want to stay up all night feeding her, holding her, and trying to figure out why she is crying. I want to sit for hours on end and tell her how much I love her and have prayed for her for as long as I remember. I sit and listen to Matthew West's song one less and I day dream about running home from court and sweeping her up into my arms and telling her that she's coming home...
And then there is the fear. The fear of not knowing, the fear of being heart broken, the fear of falling in love and then the loss and grief that comes if she doesn't become mine.
When I asked Andy this question he responded...and then I responded "...but Andy this is all I have ever wanted. All I have ever wanted to be is a mom, all I have ever wanted to was to be married and raise kids. This is my big dream, everything I long for"...Andy paused and responded like a man of God and not like I wanted him to (in my heart I wanted him to hug me and tell me it would all be alright) but He said maybe the problem is that you are longing for the wrong thing. Maybe you should long to be within God's plan and long to be close to him and just roll with it, as it comes.
I then got defensive in my head and walked away so I could go and grieve and process at the coffee shop. As I was leaving he said, "I guess my answer is that it might be painful, we just might get our heart broken. But God is in control" and I just started bawling...and said this has all been painful, all of it- I have been in pain through this whole journey...the journey of creating a child for us has been painful- every step of it...when does OUR happy ending come? I have cried more tears, yelled more than I care to admit, been jealous, not understood God's plan, have avoided baby showers, mother day services at church, cried through every infant baptism...I have cried every month for the past 5 years when I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative...I have cried when teenagers have gotten pregnant and they want me to be close in their journey and I just want to be as far from them as I can because it is so painful...it's painful to see someone else have a sonogram when you want one yourself...it's painful to go to a baby shower, see maternity pics, and get the dreaded question of "When are you and Andy having kids?". It's painful to watch people raise their kids and hate it, take it for granted, or be annoyed by them, and complain about them... 5 years of pain to get a glimmer of hope in the form of a phone call that there might be an end to this pain, an end to this longing, that my dreams of becoming a mom may not be in vain...that there might just be a little girl about 30 weeks along that might grow up to call me mom, I might get to be the person that comforts her when she is scared, when she has gotten her heart broken, and when she doesn't understand God's plan...
but then I might also just be a girl that has a blog of 10 crazy weeks, and there not be a baby at the end of all of this...
My heart is not ready for the latter, and I can't imagine the journey that would be- so I am going to acknowledge that I am scared...I am going to acknowledge that I need prayers and then I am going to lean into this. I can not say that this will be the last post about fear. I can't say that this is going to be the last post that I cry through as I type...
I can say that I am blessed to have a loving God that knows my hopes, dreams, and knows the pain that I feel on this journey. I can say that I am blessed to have friends and family that love me and help me through this process. I can say that I am blessed to have the most amazing husband that loves me even when I have crazy emotions, that loves me and leads me towards Jesus even when I come kicking and screaming and that he tells me what I need to hear not what I want to hear but then he showers me with hugs and lots of love.
Things to pray about this week-
1. Pray for Birth Mom and Her family that they would have a beautiful holiday and that they would feel God's love and peace through this process. Pray that they would feel God's comfort in this decision.
2. Please pray for our girl as she continues to grow- that she would come when God is ready for her, and that he would be in control through labor, delivery, the 48 hours after, the signing of papers, the court hearings...
3. Please pray for Andy and I as we finish our home study this week. Our social worker comes Friday to finish and do the walk through.
4. Please pray for Andy and I as we are both so excited, that God would protect our heart and protect our families hearts as they are SO EXCITED too!
How Ironic that Matthew West's Strong Enough just came on the itunes...
Hands of mercy won't you cover me...I'm asking you to be strong enough for the both of us...
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
And she shall be called...
Kadence Anaya...
It was not an easy journey but list after list have come to an end! For a couple of weeks now...whenever I has a spare moment I was writing down lists after lists of names. We went to sports night and we were looking at baby names, we went ice skating and we were making list of baby names, we went to dinner and we were, you guessed it, making list of baby names.
Last night Andy and I were enjoying a night alone and were watching netflix. I took a break to make a little advent treat of Pretzel, Hershey Kiss, M&M goodness and Andy asked if I needed help. I said no but that his job was to compile a list of 5 names and we would narrow it down from there. He said he wasn't going to do 5 names, he would pick one. I told him that I was serious that we needed to come to a conclusion on a name and we were getting nowhere.
I started working away and he came up stairs to help me put M&M's on (the final step) and he said I found it. I don't want to tell you yet because I feel like it needs to be epic and this is not very epic, lol. I told him that we could always tell her we named her over making advent treats. And then he said- Anaya or Anaia (We liked Anaya better) it means God answered and is pronounced Uh-nye-yah. We both smiled and there was no changing the course from there. We were in love and all of a sudden it became more real. We took a moment to take it in, and then came the journey of finding a middle name...
I started my list, asked name genie, and nothing felt right. I went back to our initial discussion we had about Cadence (an initial love for both of us from the beginning) meaning Rhythm. That alone had so much meaning to us because Andy is a drummer, because it feels that more than an Adoption Process that this has been a God Rhythm that we have just leaned in to. So then the question became Anaya Kadence or Kadence Anaya and then how to spell both...all of the rest are little details but the conclusion is Kadence Anaya (Rhythm God Answered) ...sums it up :)
Andy and I are so very excited and last night as we were laying in bed it was super quiet and Andy said, "I can't wait for our little girl to be here"
Till next time- Kylie
It was not an easy journey but list after list have come to an end! For a couple of weeks now...whenever I has a spare moment I was writing down lists after lists of names. We went to sports night and we were looking at baby names, we went ice skating and we were making list of baby names, we went to dinner and we were, you guessed it, making list of baby names.
Last night Andy and I were enjoying a night alone and were watching netflix. I took a break to make a little advent treat of Pretzel, Hershey Kiss, M&M goodness and Andy asked if I needed help. I said no but that his job was to compile a list of 5 names and we would narrow it down from there. He said he wasn't going to do 5 names, he would pick one. I told him that I was serious that we needed to come to a conclusion on a name and we were getting nowhere.
I started working away and he came up stairs to help me put M&M's on (the final step) and he said I found it. I don't want to tell you yet because I feel like it needs to be epic and this is not very epic, lol. I told him that we could always tell her we named her over making advent treats. And then he said- Anaya or Anaia (We liked Anaya better) it means God answered and is pronounced Uh-nye-yah. We both smiled and there was no changing the course from there. We were in love and all of a sudden it became more real. We took a moment to take it in, and then came the journey of finding a middle name...
I started my list, asked name genie, and nothing felt right. I went back to our initial discussion we had about Cadence (an initial love for both of us from the beginning) meaning Rhythm. That alone had so much meaning to us because Andy is a drummer, because it feels that more than an Adoption Process that this has been a God Rhythm that we have just leaned in to. So then the question became Anaya Kadence or Kadence Anaya and then how to spell both...all of the rest are little details but the conclusion is Kadence Anaya (Rhythm God Answered) ...sums it up :)
Andy and I are so very excited and last night as we were laying in bed it was super quiet and Andy said, "I can't wait for our little girl to be here"
Till next time- Kylie
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The dance of adoption emotions...
In just the short amount of time we have been on this journey (I type this for my benefit because if feels like FOREVER to me) I have learned so much about emotions that are wrapped around adoption and this dance of highs and lows I seem to get daily...
First and foremost there is excitement, laughter, dreaming, praising, wonderment, and awe...This part of the dance brings tears, lots of journaling, praying, pinterest, talking to my mom, day dreaming, planning nurseries, picking out names, talking about answered prayers, and looking at bows/feathers/bling and other assorted fun necessities that come with a baby girl...
Then a close second is the curiosity of how it will all go- will the baby come on her due date? Before? After? Will Birth mom sign the papers right at 48 hours? Will we get a court date that day? Where will the baby be when we get the temporary custody paper? At the hospital? In foster care? What will her first few days at home be like? Will we have everything ready? How will Andy and I adjust? How will Jada adjust? What does my role with the birth mom look like after that day? How do I respect and honor her grieving and still be true to my emotional roller coaster that I am on?
Then just as the questions flow out, there slips in the fear and the what ifs. What if Birth Mom changes her mind? What if I leave that hospital without a baby and have to come back home...this line of questioning throws me into a spiral of emotions and crying out to God and it gets pretty ugly. Thankfully thus far this third set of emotions is few and far between and I normally stay in the first two chunks of emotions...
Initially I thought 10 weeks would go by so quick but it feels like time is slowing progressing at a screeching halt...
I did meet with our social worker last week and I learned some things-
1. After Birth Mom gives birth in the state of Missouri they have to wait 48 hours before approaching her about signing the release. Then the lawyer goes to her (if she is in the hospital or at home) and the Birth Mom can sign her papers. At this point we are give a court date (they try to get it as close to the 48 hours as possible) and Birth Mom signs rights over and Andy and I then have a court date 15minutes later to take over the rights. They then give us a piece of paper that says temporary custody and we can go and pick up our baby girl either at the hospital or at foster care depending on how much time has passed. At first I was determined that if at all possible the baby would not go to foster care. After talking to our social worker she said that the foster care is a little old grandma whose whole job is to watch baby's out of the hospital till their court date. 1-2 days depending on what day the baby is born. She also said that we can go to the foster care worker's house and be with the baby the whole time the baby is there.
2. After the Temporary Custody is given an add is put out in a paper (not the KC Star but a little paper that is only available at the courthouse) and an add is ran for baby daddy to make contact. If he does not respond in 30 days we make a motion that he didn't make an attempt to contact, again at 60 days and then again at 6months. At 6 months we are given another court date and that is when the adoption is finalized and new birth certificates are issued.
That's what I have so far...
Things to pray about-
* These dang emotions...that God would be my focus and not these emotions
* Pray for Andy and I as we continue to prepare our hearts, lifestyle, and home for a newborn
* That God would continue to solidify birth mom's heart for adoption and prepare her heart for labor and delivery and seeing the baby for the first time
*Pray for the 48hours, getting a court time, signing the papers, and all of the legalities that come with an infant adoption.
*Pray for are continued interaction with Birth Mom and her family that we would continue to be a good fit and that we would journey through this together.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Decisions x150
I am sure that we are just on the brink of how many decisions we are going to be making with a new child but this week my head is spinning...
One of the fun decisions we have been talking about are names...
To Andy and I a name is a very important decision and one we do not take lightly! The Ideal name has to meet some criteria.
1. It needs to sound girly or pretty (a name that when someone reads it they are not questioning if they are looking for a boy or a girl)
2. It needs to be easy to spell or be able to chunk it apart so that when our child is learning how to read/write they can easily learn their name
3. It needs to be a name that can last through middle and high school (ex- Thor - potentially an amazing warrior boy name...but if Thor does not live up to the "warrior" side of his name High School is going to be horrible for him).
4. It needs to be a name that can follow them to adulthood and can potentially sound professional...
5. And probably the most important to us- is it needs to mean something
I am confident that this child may never get a name because we have gone through SO MANY lists and nothing seems to strike a chord with us :)
One of my favorite things I have been doing while Andy is at work this week is making him lists of names. Then, while I am sleeping he responds to them...let's just say we haven't found one yet ;)
I have learned that I tend to pick names that seem familiar to me and then when running them by our teenagers they seem to remind me why it's familiar "Oh, that's the girl off of Pretty Little Liars, Parent Hood, Switched At Birth, Gossip Girl" or any other teenage drama my girls have got me sucked in to :) -lol
We are taking all name suggestions under advisement and hope to make a decision before the child is 16 :)
Things to pray for this weekend-
Birth Mom is taking her ACT this weekend
We get to meet our social worker face to face tonight for the first time
Andy and I are making big decisions like who our lawyer is going to be and who baby momma's lawyer is going to be. Just that God would guide and direct this process
Pray for our finances as we continue down this path- 12 weeks is not very long to get your ducks in a row
Pray for my heart because I am head over heels in love with this child and I haven't even heard her heart beat, seen her, or even held her...
Continue to pray for our relationship as it develops with the birth mom and her family (We like them so much and are just excited to see what God has in store as we move forward with them)
Happy Friday-
One of the fun decisions we have been talking about are names...
To Andy and I a name is a very important decision and one we do not take lightly! The Ideal name has to meet some criteria.
1. It needs to sound girly or pretty (a name that when someone reads it they are not questioning if they are looking for a boy or a girl)
2. It needs to be easy to spell or be able to chunk it apart so that when our child is learning how to read/write they can easily learn their name
3. It needs to be a name that can last through middle and high school (ex- Thor - potentially an amazing warrior boy name...but if Thor does not live up to the "warrior" side of his name High School is going to be horrible for him).
4. It needs to be a name that can follow them to adulthood and can potentially sound professional...
5. And probably the most important to us- is it needs to mean something
I am confident that this child may never get a name because we have gone through SO MANY lists and nothing seems to strike a chord with us :)
One of my favorite things I have been doing while Andy is at work this week is making him lists of names. Then, while I am sleeping he responds to them...let's just say we haven't found one yet ;)
I have learned that I tend to pick names that seem familiar to me and then when running them by our teenagers they seem to remind me why it's familiar "Oh, that's the girl off of Pretty Little Liars, Parent Hood, Switched At Birth, Gossip Girl" or any other teenage drama my girls have got me sucked in to :) -lol
We are taking all name suggestions under advisement and hope to make a decision before the child is 16 :)
Things to pray for this weekend-
Birth Mom is taking her ACT this weekend
We get to meet our social worker face to face tonight for the first time
Andy and I are making big decisions like who our lawyer is going to be and who baby momma's lawyer is going to be. Just that God would guide and direct this process
Pray for our finances as we continue down this path- 12 weeks is not very long to get your ducks in a row
Pray for my heart because I am head over heels in love with this child and I haven't even heard her heart beat, seen her, or even held her...
Continue to pray for our relationship as it develops with the birth mom and her family (We like them so much and are just excited to see what God has in store as we move forward with them)
Happy Friday-
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Exciting News!!
We got a call from a birth mom who asked that Andy and I to adopt her BABY GIRL that is due in 12 WEEKS!!!!!!
We know that this has been completely orchestrated by God! We have prayed for this child for so long and to know that she is so close yet so far away is almost more than we can take in!
I have been working on this blog for a long time- it was my secret way to deal with all of the emotions that come with infertility and also with the adoption process- I have deleted most of those posts while having temper-tantrums before Jesus when I would get frustrated that His timing was not my own. So currently there is not much there but I promise to keep adding to and I will stop deleting posts when I get frustrated and trust that God is working even when I can't see Him. (such an elementary truth- that I need reminded of daily)
I will fill you in on all of the back story and ways to pray throughout this journey. I figured this was more of a concise way of keeping our friends and family in the loop without making 150 phone calls or facebook messages :)
Here are things to Pray for this week (in no particular order):
1. That we would complete our paper work timely (it takes 8 weeks of a home study and we have 12 till baby girl is here
2. That God will continue to solidify our Birth Mom's decision in her heart, that He would prepare her heart for what she is about to go through and that we would continue to be a good fit for her and her family.
3. That God would protect baby girl as she continues to grow (and go till full term), that she would know that she is loved by a maker, a birth mom, two parents and a whole community of friends and family!
That's it from me- Thank you in advance for your prayers!!!
We know that this has been completely orchestrated by God! We have prayed for this child for so long and to know that she is so close yet so far away is almost more than we can take in!
I have been working on this blog for a long time- it was my secret way to deal with all of the emotions that come with infertility and also with the adoption process- I have deleted most of those posts while having temper-tantrums before Jesus when I would get frustrated that His timing was not my own. So currently there is not much there but I promise to keep adding to and I will stop deleting posts when I get frustrated and trust that God is working even when I can't see Him. (such an elementary truth- that I need reminded of daily)
I will fill you in on all of the back story and ways to pray throughout this journey. I figured this was more of a concise way of keeping our friends and family in the loop without making 150 phone calls or facebook messages :)
Here are things to Pray for this week (in no particular order):
1. That we would complete our paper work timely (it takes 8 weeks of a home study and we have 12 till baby girl is here
2. That God will continue to solidify our Birth Mom's decision in her heart, that He would prepare her heart for what she is about to go through and that we would continue to be a good fit for her and her family.
3. That God would protect baby girl as she continues to grow (and go till full term), that she would know that she is loved by a maker, a birth mom, two parents and a whole community of friends and family!
That's it from me- Thank you in advance for your prayers!!!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
What would fall look like in our house...
I love fall...I love the changing colors, the smells, the clothes for fall...it is a beautiful time! So, it got me to thinking about what would fall look like in our home (don't think I'm over ambitious- it's not like we are going to do ALL of this in one year-lol).
* Themed nights at home (One night our theme might be apples- so we would make home made apple sauce, apple prints, apple butter, light an apple cinnamon candle. One night the theme might be pumpkins and we would make pumpkin cookies, read a fun picture book about pumpkins, and then of course end the night with carving pumpkins).
* Day trips to the pumpkin patch, dogtoberfest, corn maze, apple festival...
* There would be costumes, candy, and trick or treating...
* There would be bonfires, cookouts, and campouts cuddling under fleece blankets
* Making thanksgiving traditions
Days filled with cooking/baking, art, books, and fun outings...there is never a dull moment in fall...
but even with all of that some of my favorite nights in fall are sleeping with the windows open and then staying in our jammies all day...
I can't wait to experience fall with children and get to share all the fun of fall with our family :)
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Meet the family...
With adoption or conceiving a child one of the things I am most excited about is introducing our child to our family and friends!
I am excited for them to meet my mom- They will shop, bake, sew, lots of cuddles, and go to the lake. My mom LOVES kids and works as a secretary at a local school for 3-5th graders. I have endless memories of fun times with my mom and I know that she can't wait to be a grandma and will always be excited to hang out and do fun things but also give lots and lots of hugs and cuddles!
My Step dad is great too! He has a huge heart, loves his family very much!He loves the outdoors, loves fishing, hunting, building things, refurbishing things, and traveling.Regardless if we have a boy or a girl I am sure camouflage and fishing is in their future.
My Dad is no longer alive but I have lots of great memories with him as well- He loved to cook, and socialize with people, and throw parties. He also liked helping others, motorcycle riding and golfing. I know that my mean mini golfing skills are because of him.
My Step mom lives in Arkansas and although that is one of my favorite drives, we don't get to see her often. I am hoping that when our child is here that changes. She is very loving, is a great cook, loves dogs and babies, loves to knit, play games, and even taught me how to crochet.
On Andy's side:
His Mom- Crazy great! She loves art, cooking, making projects, and finding deals online :) She will always amaze you with the new things she is able to find. You will find a new appreciation for games, spelling, geography, and becoming a life long learner. I can't wait for you to hang out with her and partake in all of her new adventures
Andy's dad- He is a huge blessing! He is quiet and usually stays to himself but he is gentle and kind and when he hugs you, you know he means it. When he tells you that he loves you, you know it. He is a hard worker and will always help if we are in a bind ( I cant tell you how many times he has been to the house to work on things). He also like to be outdoors, do home repairs, and hangout with his grand kids.
That's just our Parents...then you have brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles...the list goes on and on...
One of the things I LOVE about the idea of having a child is thinking about them growing up with sooooo many people that will love them, teach them things, will be at all of their school functions/sports/etc, and will enjoy being active in their life.
That's our family in a nutshell...
I am excited for them to meet my mom- They will shop, bake, sew, lots of cuddles, and go to the lake. My mom LOVES kids and works as a secretary at a local school for 3-5th graders. I have endless memories of fun times with my mom and I know that she can't wait to be a grandma and will always be excited to hang out and do fun things but also give lots and lots of hugs and cuddles!
My Step dad is great too! He has a huge heart, loves his family very much!He loves the outdoors, loves fishing, hunting, building things, refurbishing things, and traveling.Regardless if we have a boy or a girl I am sure camouflage and fishing is in their future.
My Dad is no longer alive but I have lots of great memories with him as well- He loved to cook, and socialize with people, and throw parties. He also liked helping others, motorcycle riding and golfing. I know that my mean mini golfing skills are because of him.
My Step mom lives in Arkansas and although that is one of my favorite drives, we don't get to see her often. I am hoping that when our child is here that changes. She is very loving, is a great cook, loves dogs and babies, loves to knit, play games, and even taught me how to crochet.
On Andy's side:
His Mom- Crazy great! She loves art, cooking, making projects, and finding deals online :) She will always amaze you with the new things she is able to find. You will find a new appreciation for games, spelling, geography, and becoming a life long learner. I can't wait for you to hang out with her and partake in all of her new adventures
Andy's dad- He is a huge blessing! He is quiet and usually stays to himself but he is gentle and kind and when he hugs you, you know he means it. When he tells you that he loves you, you know it. He is a hard worker and will always help if we are in a bind ( I cant tell you how many times he has been to the house to work on things). He also like to be outdoors, do home repairs, and hangout with his grand kids.
That's just our Parents...then you have brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles...the list goes on and on...
One of the things I LOVE about the idea of having a child is thinking about them growing up with sooooo many people that will love them, teach them things, will be at all of their school functions/sports/etc, and will enjoy being active in their life.
That's our family in a nutshell...
Friday, October 19, 2012
Whirlwind of emotions...
I'm sitting here at Starbucks sipping a white mocha (one of my favorite past times) and I am overwhelmed with all of the emotions in me. I am in love with the idea of being a mom, I am scared of heart ache through the adoption process, my mind swirls with ideas...is it possible I am in love with my future child and I haven't even met them, don't even know if they have been conceived...but I find myself dreaming, a beautiful dream- somethings that are very detail oriented that people would be laughing at me for thinking about and other things about just how life would work...
Here's a peek into my crazy dreaming, lots due to pinterest and my background in teaching-
I dream about teaching my child how to read. I have piles and piles of children's books and when I look at the books I am excited about the ideas of teaching my child how to count, their colors, how to share, their letters, and then all the fun activities you can do with books. I think about art projects to do with the seasons/holidays. I think about traditions that I want to make sure our family has (for instance I know that as a family we will do community service throughout the year- we long for our child to grow up serving other people and seeing the beauty of taking care of the world they live in). I dream about bedtime routines and what Saturday mornings will look like. I dream about how to make meal time fun, what vacations we will take, how we will discipline in a loving way, and how we will urge our child to reach for their dreams!
I dream about what outings they will do with their grandparents- will they go to the pumpkin patch, will they sew together, will they go to the lake? All of these things excite me greatly...
I dream about how to tell them about people I love like their birth family, my dad who passed away, my grandfather, and all the other people that influence the way we love them and will shape our character in our family...
I dream about family outings that Andy and I will do with them- Will we go hiking, to the drive in, build forts, have pj days...
I dream about if our baby is a girl will she be girly with ruffles and bows and lots of pink or will she be a tom boy and love to be outside or be both...if it's a boy will he love mud, legos, and trucks or would he love the arts...
And then I get reminded that as much fun as it is to dream that is all it is right now is a dream and I go back to reality and back to returning e-mails but thankful for this happy spot in my mind where I go to dream of my family in the making and what's to come...
HAPPY FRIDAY!
Here's a peek into my crazy dreaming, lots due to pinterest and my background in teaching-
I dream about teaching my child how to read. I have piles and piles of children's books and when I look at the books I am excited about the ideas of teaching my child how to count, their colors, how to share, their letters, and then all the fun activities you can do with books. I think about art projects to do with the seasons/holidays. I think about traditions that I want to make sure our family has (for instance I know that as a family we will do community service throughout the year- we long for our child to grow up serving other people and seeing the beauty of taking care of the world they live in). I dream about bedtime routines and what Saturday mornings will look like. I dream about how to make meal time fun, what vacations we will take, how we will discipline in a loving way, and how we will urge our child to reach for their dreams!
I dream about what outings they will do with their grandparents- will they go to the pumpkin patch, will they sew together, will they go to the lake? All of these things excite me greatly...
I dream about how to tell them about people I love like their birth family, my dad who passed away, my grandfather, and all the other people that influence the way we love them and will shape our character in our family...
I dream about family outings that Andy and I will do with them- Will we go hiking, to the drive in, build forts, have pj days...
I dream about if our baby is a girl will she be girly with ruffles and bows and lots of pink or will she be a tom boy and love to be outside or be both...if it's a boy will he love mud, legos, and trucks or would he love the arts...
And then I get reminded that as much fun as it is to dream that is all it is right now is a dream and I go back to reality and back to returning e-mails but thankful for this happy spot in my mind where I go to dream of my family in the making and what's to come...
HAPPY FRIDAY!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
A Journey of a life time...
Soooooo, many of you know that we have been on this journey of trying to conceive for years now...I can trace back to being 13 years old and begging God for a baby. Looking back, I am go glad that He did not bless me with that when I first prayed...however I am 28 (29 in February) and I can't think of anything I want more now in my life than to be a mom. All these years and the desire only deepens :)
I wanted to give you our back story so that you would know more about our journey:
When I was in 8th grade I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and my doctor at the time told me that it would be difficult to conceive a child. Fast forward to being in college and my best friend at the time (now husband) and I were chatting about the future and I told him I was scared about telling my future husband about the potential to have difficulties getting pregnant, he then looked me in the eye and said, "Kylie, any man that God brings to you is going to want to adopt." His reassurance gave me a peace. Fast forward to present day and we have been off of Birth Control for 5 years now and with no getting pregnant. We have been actively trying for two years, have tried infertility treatments, and have had no luck. Andy and I always knew, even if we were to conceive a child, we wanted to adopt children. We love the beauty of adoption and feel that it is the perfect addition to our family. We started the adoption process in May of 2012 and it feels like it has crept by.
I don't think people truly understand how painful it is to want something so bad and yet be so out of control of the situation.
In June it was our 5 year wedding anniversary and what I wanted for our anniversary was to get a baby :) Although it's not that easy, that day andy and I went our separate ways and prayed diligently for a child and told God that we were ready to be parents if He would trust us with a child.
I remember that night, talking to andy and him reading the vows he had written to our future child. I remember being so giddy and in awe that I had married a man that loves me in the way that he does and at the same time is so intentional about loving our child.
Andy said that he believed there needed to be ceremony around Adoption. That it wasn't just "getting a child" but that it is a life changing experience to embark on. He said he felt like we needed to find a community of men and women that would pray for us, ask us the hard questions, and really examine if we were ready for adding to our family. From that time Andy and I started making dinner and coffee dates with the men and women we had chosen to be praying for us in this journey.
We have no idea what joy and excitement is ahead or what heart ache lies in our journey. We are confident of one thing through this all and that is at the end of the day God gets the glory for this process, for His timing, for his story weaving...
We are looking forward to where God leads us on this journey and what He has laid ahead of us, confident that it is more than we could have asked or imagined-
I wanted to give you our back story so that you would know more about our journey:
When I was in 8th grade I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and my doctor at the time told me that it would be difficult to conceive a child. Fast forward to being in college and my best friend at the time (now husband) and I were chatting about the future and I told him I was scared about telling my future husband about the potential to have difficulties getting pregnant, he then looked me in the eye and said, "Kylie, any man that God brings to you is going to want to adopt." His reassurance gave me a peace. Fast forward to present day and we have been off of Birth Control for 5 years now and with no getting pregnant. We have been actively trying for two years, have tried infertility treatments, and have had no luck. Andy and I always knew, even if we were to conceive a child, we wanted to adopt children. We love the beauty of adoption and feel that it is the perfect addition to our family. We started the adoption process in May of 2012 and it feels like it has crept by.
I don't think people truly understand how painful it is to want something so bad and yet be so out of control of the situation.
In June it was our 5 year wedding anniversary and what I wanted for our anniversary was to get a baby :) Although it's not that easy, that day andy and I went our separate ways and prayed diligently for a child and told God that we were ready to be parents if He would trust us with a child.
I remember that night, talking to andy and him reading the vows he had written to our future child. I remember being so giddy and in awe that I had married a man that loves me in the way that he does and at the same time is so intentional about loving our child.
Andy said that he believed there needed to be ceremony around Adoption. That it wasn't just "getting a child" but that it is a life changing experience to embark on. He said he felt like we needed to find a community of men and women that would pray for us, ask us the hard questions, and really examine if we were ready for adding to our family. From that time Andy and I started making dinner and coffee dates with the men and women we had chosen to be praying for us in this journey.
We have no idea what joy and excitement is ahead or what heart ache lies in our journey. We are confident of one thing through this all and that is at the end of the day God gets the glory for this process, for His timing, for his story weaving...
We are looking forward to where God leads us on this journey and what He has laid ahead of us, confident that it is more than we could have asked or imagined-
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