Emotional mommy...

I am warning before I write that I am emotional...

I just experienced a high...a beautiful high...a mountain top experience called Christmas.

After coming off of almost three weeks of battling stress, sickness, exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, sadness, anger, brokeness, and more sickness...I was in desperate need of Christmas.

Christmas break for me started last Saturday and I have done everything in my power to try and honor it. We did small things- like I decided that anytime Kadence asked to open a present (about once a day) we did it. No reason, other than it just brought me joy. They were really BIG presents like socks, toothbrushes, and pi's but none the less there was joy. Her wonder and excitement as she unwraps a gift is contagious! Kadence also got in the kick of asking to be rocked (I know full well it's to prolong bed time and I just don't care). Every time she asks, I get out the big blanket and snuggle her in the rocking chair and we rock. I get emotional (you wouldn't think this would happen EVERY time but it does) we give lots of kisses, eskimo kisses, and somewhere in there she usually points out my eyes and nose. I know for 100% that she is just prolonging sleep. I get that I am creating bad habits...all of this I know and I just don't care. I just hold her and the whole time I am holding her I am thanking God for just one more day of holding her, one more day of being her mommy, and for how long my heart ached to be in that rocking chair. It has been so good for my soul and so far she doesn't seem too scarred by it either. :)

Then there was Christmas Eve service. I was dreading it! I was excited for service but was not excited for an over stimulated, tired, two year old to "sit through" service. So, I packed an army of things to keep her occupied (including but not limited to an array of snacks, drinks, colors, books, and anything remotely quiet or fascinating). But the moment we walked into service she was in awe. The music started and she started dancing and singing along, like they were old familiar tunes. She was laughing deep belly laughs and pointing at lights, and people she recognized, and even thought the girl behind us was Elsa (she had a long side braid-lol). There I was with my family, the family I have prayed and longed for for so long...the mood was magical and intimate...and I could feel myself choking back the tears. As I watched Andy and Kadence dance to Christmas carols I kept thinking this is MY family. God did THIS for me! Then it was time for silent night- the time in the service where all the lights get turned off and one by one they light a candle until the whole congregation is in candle light. This sounds epic and very hallmark like...to everyone except to a mom of a toddler...to me it sounds like a trip to the emergency room for a mom who's hair she finally got to put hairspray in after two years...goes up in flames-LOL. But to my surprise as soon as the lights went out she was quiet and as the candles started to be lit she whispered WOW. My thoughts exactly! She watched as the candles were lit and we continued to sing. And the tears now came down my face...she was experiencing the magic of Christmas and I got to hold her close through the whole thing. I regained my composure, her ADHD kicked in as the service ended and we were back to searching the aisles feverishly for her friends.

As we got home, it was time to celebrate Christmas with my extended side of the family. We had dinner and opened up presents and every present she opened it was like she had never opened a gift before. She was grateful, she was in awe, she was excited, she was ready to explore everything it had in store.

Today, we had two Christmas' and the same thing happened...every gift- excitement. Every gift like she had never opened one before (although her unwrapping skills are getting skillfully better). And it got me thinking- at what point does Christmas loose its magic. At what point does a gift become just a gift. When does the child like excitement over holidays fade away. Kadence knows not the grief that I have experienced over the holidays. She knows not the countless holidays I cried longing for her existence. All she knows is joy. All she knows is the high pitch squeal that comes from opening a pair of Minnie Mouse socks...somehow I think this is all beautiful to Jesus. Do I think americans have blown consumerism and Jesus' birthday out the window...sure. But today, I am embracing that because of someone else's shopping Kadence is experiencing the simplest form of joy. Experiencing a baby's Christmas is something I feel my holidays have been lacking for awhile. Last year was great but this year has topped the cake because she is just so much more excited about everything and like I said before her joy is so contagious!

So tonight I sit here- reflecting on where I have come from. Reflecting on the pain, the stress, the sickness, the grief, the infertility, the mourning...everything that used to be under my emotions of Christmas and today I take in the simple joy of experiencing gift opening, Christmas, Christmas food, Santa, Christmas Eve service...all through the eyes of an almost two year old and it makes life so much sweeter, more magical, brings so much laughter, and fills my home with warmth and joy.

THIS is the kind of Christmas that my heart longed for!

Kadence is in bed, has lacked any sort of routine going on almost a week now, has another Christmas tomorrow with Andy's side of the family...but I am just taking in the moment- enjoying the trash of wrapping paper, dirt dishes, a sleeping baby, and a snoring dog...God is good and we have much to be grateful for this season. God has healed and continues to heal this broken mom's heart!

Sidenote- I am praying for Kadence a brother or sister in 2015...That means either a miracle is going to have to happen by knocking this girl up (my ovaries hate me and are stubborn as all get out), someone else is going to have to get preggo and trust me with their child, or Andy and I are going to have to actually submit paperwork to start the adoption process again...All of these things sound like daunting, overwhelming, and scary tasks or undertakings but here's to trusting that God has a plan.

Till next time...MERRY CHRISTMAS

The Art of Advent and Mommy Guilt...

My reality this past week has been a fair balance between mommy guilt and advent. I blame myself partly for doing such a great job over thanksgiving break of resting, being an attentive parent, and just being that I felt like I was more ready than ever to bring in the advent season. The tree was up, to do lists made, fun activities planned, time with friends scheduled, time with just the husband scheduled, work hours planned, babysitters planned...if there was ever a mom ready for Advent and the ability to still have enough "unplanned" time to embrace the season I was the candidate. No really if you wanted to give me an award for mom most ready to embrace this season...it was me...I even have my very own holiday notebook (you can make fun of me if you wish)...but monday with no warning at all brought this week to all of it's craziness. Things that I told andy would take 30 minutes found themselves take 3 hours. Promises I had made myself over the solitude of Thanksgiving break and the promises I had made to my family breaking...day by day, break after break...By tuesday all wheels had fallen off the bus as the Jeep decided to just give up. (Mind you the other car was already sitting in the shop- going on 3 weeks now) so we were officially a ZERO car family. Wednesday my life was a nightmare in trying to navigate the healthcare system for the uninsured. What we thought would be a simple one hour doctors appointment starting at the beginning of the day ended up lasting till 3am. By Thursday by body was rebelling what I knew far to well as the beginning of sickness was starting to take over. Surely not, not this week...I pushed through and by the time Friday rolled around I couldn't get out of bed. Like literally it was painful to sit up. So pretty much Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have consisted of trying to sleep, not breathe on others, and try to manage just being alive, and parenting the bare minimum- sure we can watch frozen just one more time- sure we can sit under the heated blanket- whoops did mommy fall asleep again. So this awesome week, the beginning of this AMAZING season that I was so ready to embrace...just like that is complete...I saw my husband maybe a total of 3-6 hours this week, my kid more but mainly at meal time and bath time, and "sitting" times aka TV. There have been very few quiet nights by the tree. There have been very few fun memories made. The overwhelming feeling I was feeling was guilt. How do I do this? How can be doing so many good things in one week also bring such an ugly feeling? How come I feel like I have neglected my family, my child, and my solitude with Jesus for the mundane of just going. I am not proud of the mom I have been this week, I am not proud of my parenting, our routines, meals, cleanliness, etc...there are some other things I am really not proud of this week either but that's about as vulnerable as this nyquil is letting me get tonight.
 I still feel like I'm dying but word on the street is this bug takes awhile to work its course and being in a non-profit at december and being a mom of a toddler does not equal infinity sick days...it looks like popping some medication, packing the kleenex, and pulling up the bootstraps to make it work.
This morning the hardest thing for me to do was to get out of bed to go to church. I wanted to go to church so bad because I love my church at Advent. I knew after the week I had been having I NEEDED to go to church. By the time I got to church I was sweating, was thinking not nice thoughts about my rebelling two year old, and just wanted a shot of whiskey or maybe a few more nyquil to numb the pain. I remember sitting down in the chair and being like I made it and feeling like that in itself what a HUGE accomplishment. I'm not sure if I was going to church just so that I could sit and be quiet with excellent music but whatever the motivation that got me out of the door and to fight all the minuscule battles that I fought this morning (battles that when you are not sick are not even battles-lol) but I got there.
I was so grateful for Garrett's message this morning and now after a whole day and a somewhat foggy memory all I remember walking away with was when we are at are lowest God is at the top of His game. So here I sit with husband and child both asleep, sitting by the tree, sipping hot cocoa (I'm not really but it sounds good but I'm just to lazy to go and make it), and by almost box of kleenex, with an olaf at my feet and I breathe in and out...When I am at the bottom of my game God is at the top of His.
So I went grocery shopping today, stepping out in faith that I will have the energy to feed my family. I reached out and asked for helped today hoping to balance my schedule a little better this week. I know that in my work life I have two HUGE weeks left until we can rest as a non-profit. I also know that if I am not centered and focused on Jesus me as a "boss", me as a mom, and me as a wife are not a pretty thing. If I have have learned one thing about myself through everything in my life up to this point is that that Kylie without time for Jesus is of no use to anyone.
So tonight I am grateful for the peace that God's got this. Grateful that tomorrow is a new week, and really grateful for all intended purposes that Kadence will probably not remember this past week in the grand scheme of life ;) Also grateful for a God who can love and minister to this mommy's soul even when the mommy guilt comes and I question am I enough? Am I a good mom? Did I F' up so bad this week that God's like if you can't do this- what makes you think you can handle more kids?
What I love about God is that he takes all my irrational fears, all of my inability to love and schedule and parent and be a wife and be selfless and He loves me anyway. He hugs me anyway. He has trusted me with a beautiful baby girl and a gorgeous husband, and a cuddly puppy (Jada didn't want to be left out), he has trusted me with friends, family, and a beautiful job, and teens that I love and adore. He has given me much to care for and so I take what He has given me and return it to His feet because without Him I am a heaping mess (today I would be just a heaping mess of nyquil and kleenex).

So normally when I blog I go back and re-read what I read to make sure it says what I mean but tonight I just don't have it in me- so not only do you have the normal spelling errors and grammatical nightmare that my blogs usually are...you also have what I am calling "Kylie's NyQuil Thoughts".

Here's to tomorrow being a new day!

My four letter word...

Am I allowed to have a four letter word? Am I allowed to have a word that pisses me off and makes me want to throw a temper tantrum? Well allowed or not, my curse word is "infertility". If you are walking my journey with me than you probably know that there are few words that make me want to punch something more than that word. I hate it, and I hate it more when it is used to describe me.

Recently Andy and I have been dabbling more seriously into the discussion of adding siblings to our family since clearly we rock at being parents (lol). But unfortunately for us it is not as easy as making the choice or having the discussion, I wish it was. For us it means having to decide private, agency, domestic, international, dfs system, etc, etc it's exhausting just thinking about the gazilion decisions. My heart is faint at remembering the journey. I remember the excitement, I remember the fear all to well, I remember the uncertainty and I remember the desperation in my prayers. Part of me wonders if my heart can go through the journey again and part of me knows that our family isn't complete yet.

The journey of infertility and the further path of adoption is really a journey that causes me to lean in to Jesus with everything I have and stay there for protection. I stay there for protection knowing that there will be hard days or weeks where my bitterness about how "easy" it is for others to make a family will consume my heart. It is there that Jesus will take my wounds and gently love me back to healing. There will be days, weeks, months, and even years that Andy and I might sit here yearning for more children and it will be just that- a yearning. There will be countless baby showers, baby birthdays, and Facebook baby announcements before we will ever have our own again. There will be days when my judgmental and hurt side will get the best of me about how some families are made and Jesus will love me even through that ugliness that I would rather hide. I really am a hot mess over this topic and very grateful that Jesus welcomes me into his loving arms as a heaping pile of rubbish that is broken. But I rest in Him for protection, wisdom, and guidance on this journey.

Then to the well meaning people in my life that says some of these hurtful things- 1. Isn't K-ditty enough? Yes, we love Kditty with all of our heart and soul and she is the best part of every one of my days...but when you decided to add more children to your family was it because your first wasn't enough? I doubt it! Just because we make families via adoption doesn't mean that when we are adding to our family it's because one of our children wasn't enough. We are grateful for the journey we have had with Kadence, her birth family, how God answered so many amazing prayers in her and we long for our other children to find us in just the same way...God writing their story and answering our prayers. We are believing that He is not done building our family 2. Isn't Pro Deo enough? That's like telling a car sales man he doesn't need a car because he works around cars and can be with them whenever he wants. I know I am comparing cars to children but it sounds just as crazy. Pro Deo is a beautiful thing, I love the teens that have walked through my life and continue to be on my path with that journey but they don't take the place of raising a family. My child's life is enriched so much by being around them but it's just not the same.

So here I sit- knowing a few things: 1. I know that I love being a mom 2. I know that Andy loves being a dad 3. I know that Kadence loves being our baby girl 4. I know that God has not abandoned us in this journey 5. I know that the wait could be great and that there may never be another child at the end of this wait 6. I know that God has not abandoned us in this journey. 7. I know that we will pray and open our hearts and tell God we are "ready" and see what happens. 8. I know that this is just one of the many days I will have "hard days" coming to terms with the fact that in our life it is hard work making a family 9. I also know that my vulnerability before Jesus and taking to him all of my ugliness, fear, and hurt is beautiful to Him.

I don't have all the answers and the more I lean into Jesus the more I learn that Infertility isn't so much my four letter word as much as it is just a part of my story and my journey, something He is making beautiful in his own timing.

So to our future babies know that mommy and daddy are praying for you and longing for you even today. Knowing full well that 2 years ago this week we still didn't even know about Miss K. Praying tonight for our future birth moms, families, and everything that goes in the journey of building families through adoption.

So tonight I am listening to this song and grateful for the mom that I am and longing for the rest of our family wherever they may be or how they will come to us: Mom

Sunday is Funday...

I will worn you this is another practical post:
Andy and I always say that Sunday is Funday...for him ironically Sundays tend to be a busy time for his line of work and therefore he usually enjoys Sundays. I on the other hand usually dread Sundays after he has worked all weekend. By Sunday I am exhausted, tired of fighting random battles like not letting Miss K eat dog food, why I won't let her suck on bobby pins or whatever other ways I have rocked her world, and dreading the week to come. Insert church which falls right smack in the middle of no good time as far as a schedule goes. Add in that I must prepare for work for the week as Mondays are staff meetings. All in all, Sundays are uncomfortable...sometimes stressful...and rarely Sabbath feeling. In my desperate attempt to change perspective, be intentional, and live proactive instead of reactive I have changed some things.

I found 2 blogs off of pinterest (imagine that) that rocked my world. The first one was called living well spending less and she has a whole section devoted to Sunday Prep. I was mesmerized that she spent 3 hours and was completely ready for the week. The second site was called organize 365 and she had an organizing system called "Sunday Basket". Those two sites motivated me to take back control of my hectic Sundays and be able to breathe come Monday morning. I share this incase there are other working moms that dread their Sundays, their weeks, or any day in between.

First I made a list of all the things I needed to do on Sunday to be prepared for the week or things that I wished I would do prior to the week starting so that my whole week would go smoother:
Refill Diaper Bag
Clean Out Cars
Meal Plan
Prep Meals
Tend to schedule
Prepare for Staff Meeting
Refill Snacks
House Clean
Fill cars with Gas
Laundry
Get to do lists done for volunteers/staff
Prepare for tot school

I then printed all of the Sunday Prep printables, my menus and recipies (I never stick to her menus- and my lunches aren't PBJ either- so some tweaking had to take place but it was a good place to start).

With everything in a plan that makes sense and following the gist of her time outline, I am ready to crank things out. Anything that I stumble upon that needs some attention or I start thinking about I add it to my "basket" or jot it down and add the note to the basket. When my 3 hours are over (or Kadence's nap is over)- I stop where I am at. Today when she got up she wanted to cook- she woke up saying "Kadence cook?" so we made blueberry muffins which was on the list and yet really easy for a toddler to help with.

The rest of my Sunday is family time- coloring, reading books, playing, whatever the day might bring. Then after our bedtime routine and Miss K is asleep (this happens at 8 in our home) I get my basket out. First I look at my calendar and make sure it matches our kitchen calendar (the only thing Andy will look at). Then I start cranking through papers- sorting, throwing things away, etc. I make sure all my tot school stuff is ready, that my staff meeting agenda is done, my to do list for the week is started and by 9pm I am fully prepared for the week.

Since adapting the "Sunday Prep" method and the "Sunday Basket" method I have cranked through my to do lists, been way more efficient, and Miss K willing I can get all of Sunday Prep cranked out during her nap time. My Sunday Prep takes care of enough meals that I should only have to do my long planning every other weekend (which works with Andy's schedule) and then weeks that he is home I just need to plan for staff meeting. Which all in all these methods have increased my productivity, allowed me to plan healthy meals for our family, increased the amount of intentional time I am with my family, and allows the rest of the weeks morning/evening routine to not be as crazy.

So it seems a bit odd to spend the sabbath working...but it doesn't feel like work. I crank up the worship music and weirdly having a game plan allows me more time the rest of the week to spend time with Him and rest. But even on my big plan day- by 9pm I have the house picked up (not spotless), the candle lit(one of my favorite things), worship music playing, and my week prepped for, and there is a peace...a peace where you can breathe...and do whatever brings you joy- tonight for me that's blogging and getting a good nights sleep.

I love grooves...I love finding one...

For now this groove is working for us, my family, our work schedule, and our demands...That's not bad for almost two years of chaotic weeks...I am a slow learner what can I say. But for now I will take this peace...

Night Y'all

Kylie's world of tot school...

There is a buzz word on pinterest called tot school. And although I have a tot and although we do activities together...we are not following the "craze" of tot school. I have been asked recently to outline specifically what I do/how I do it and most pertaining to the Advent we did last year with Miss K. So I'm breaking from lunch (a bowl of cereal) and taking some time to blog. Something that Lord willing can happen more often, soon.

So my degree is in early childhood. My excitement comes from finger paint. I love preschool themes. I love the words fine motor and gross motor. I don't do well with unstructured time (although I know there is a time and a place for this).

So before we even had Miss K, I desired to do "tot school". There is an excellent website called 1+1+1=1 and growing a jeweled rose. These to sites I could spend HOURS on and unashamed I probably have over the years. So then God invented Pinterest! So every time I got into a preschool kick I would pin things. Say what you want about pinterest but I LOVE it. I love that my brain can numb out and I can just look at shiny things or pretty pictures and it virtually takes zero effort. So here's my steps on creating our "tot school year". I will tell you in advance that this is way more for my benefit than Miss K's. I have no doubt that her childhood would be just as blissful if we did not do a single one of these activities. She just likes to paint- she could care less if we are painting apples, pumpkins, or bubbles of paint. She likes to take a bath- she could care less if the water is green, blue, has bubbles, or has butterflies in it. Do you see a theme here? I do it because it is enjoyable to me, almost therapeutic. I know when she gets older it will have more of an effect on her. I hope that through what we do she is learning colors, numbers, letters, and shapes but developmentally I think she would catch on to that in our day to day life. So this post is not to create shame if you do none of this. It is also not to brag about how awesome I am- I just admitted that I do all of this for myself- that is incredibly selfish! LOL!

But here goes the process:
1. I created a long list of themes. Some of these came from my preschool classroom days. Some I just think are fun. Some are seasonal. There are things on the list like: bears, trees, adoption, kwanza, advent, rainbows, ocean, bats, pumpkins, dinosaurs, etc. I then broke them apart by age and season. This way every year we are not doing pumpkins but at the same time we are not learning about pumpkins in june. So I, like a nerd, have the next four years of themes planned out- so did not want to admit this!
2. Once the list of themes is complete I look at the list for just this year and decide what I like and what I don't and where it would fit on the calendar. I live a very busy life. I have a family. I run a non-profit. My child is 19months. We do not cram a theme into a week. Some themes are two weeks- some a month. So we just finished apples which took us all of september. July we did blue and August we did Dinosaurs. We will now to pumpkins for two weeks, and then monsters for two weeks, and then Fall (leaves, and anything else I want to do-lop) and then thanksgiving, and then Advent.
3. One that list/calendar is complete I turn to pinterest and the internet. I am specific in my searches- gross motor pumpkin, messy play apples, etc. I just pin till I am bored or it's time to go to bed, or something else comes up.
4. I then get on the library's website and start reserving books for the next theme or next couple of themes depending on time of year and how high of demand the books will be in.
5. Then I start filling out my table that I have. I am looking for 5 things in each of these areas (not that we will do all of them) but it gives me things to choose from. The areas that I am looking to fill are: Family Time (fun things to do on daddy's day off),  baking time (food/fun snack things), Arts/crafts, literacy (books, letter recognition,etc), Science, math (numbers, shapes, colors), character education, fine motor, gross motor. mommy/daughter dates (fun things to do when daddy is at work). Once it is filled that's all I do before hand.
6. The week before when I meal plan, do schedules, prep for staff meetings, I also prep for where our free time will be in the week and what we want to do. I make sure I have the stuff on hand that I need (which I normally do) and I fill daddy in on any day trips we will be doing that week.  (This is all loose- if some thing comes up and these activities don't get done it's no big deal. But having all the pre thought helps me when there is a lull and there is still two hours left till bedtime we can pull out paint and make apple prints and I didn't have to come up with anything on the spot.

Now advent follows all of this- but here are my other rambling about advent:
1. Does Miss K know what advent is? Probably not- but she does know that it is special.
2. Our church celebrates advent every year and so "doing advent" is kind of in the culture of our church and the people we surround ourselves with. They gear their activities to the slightly older crowd but I try to take things and make the whole season fun.
3. On Sunday night (this is when they do it at church- daddy has a rotating shift- so we do it sometimes on Tuesday,Thursday, Saturday, or a Sunday. They suggest setting the mood and making it special. For us we lit the advent candle and turned on our christmas lights. We turned on some christmas music. We would eat dinner together. Then after dinner we would do our bedtime routine (bath, pi's) and then when it was time for the book part of the night we would read age appropriate christmas story books. There are so many great christmas story books. Pick one that you like. Last year we loved Christmas in the Manger. This year we might try Truth in the Tinsel or readings out of the Jesus story book. Not sure yet. Then after book time we would have a night time snack. Something special that we would only do on that night of the week.
4. Our advent "calendar" looks different every year- mainly because I enjoy making them. But ours are always created in a way that there are 24 days in our countdown and fun activities or things to do but there are no dates on them- so we can move things around as needed. And- a big secret is that I use things we are already doing or are already on the calendar and just write them down and stuff them in the calendar and it makes it super fun.  Example: we decorate cookies every year. In the advent calendar we will put cookie decorating party. Instantly more fun and absolutely no more planning :) This year there is a spend the day in your Pj's- I will make that one "appear" on a day when it is cold and I don't want to go outside all day. Super fun- PJ day but to me it's just a day we didn't get dressed-lol. I tell you all of my secrets to tell you that it's all about being intentional and making the ordinary special and WAY LESS about being a super cool mom. I also block off all the days that Daddy has off (his second day off is when he is much more rested) and those are the dates that I start searching community calendars for fun things to do and adding that to our "advent calendar". This year we have two category of things: each day we will have something special- go to live nativity, eat at winsteads and look at the lights, etc. But we also have christmas activities to do during our normal "tot school" time. So we have cotton ball painting (we will use red and green paint), we will make snow men, we will watch frozen, we will make puppets, we will get messy...but all in all we will just enjoy our time together :) So I normally plan our advent activities just a week in advance. I do, however, have a list that is super long of just ideas...I'll trim the list as it gets closer but for now it's just a hobby and something fun to thing about (another way I am odd). This year I think the calendar is going to be a bunch of stars hanging on a branch (thanks pinterest) it will match our christmas decor (a plus) and I can put them all in the order I want them to appear.

So I think that is everything- then as we do things- things that I love I jot down to do again. Things that I hate (or causes a melt down) we take funny pictures of and put that in the making memories department and don't need to do again (at least not for a few years ;))

Now I will also tell you that Andy and I don't buy Miss K christmas presents so anything we do for advent is her christmas. If we get her anything this year it will be things that we can continue to use in her "tot school times" or life skills things for her (like a step stool, or a potty chair, etc- I know exciting). We just want to spend Christmas as a family, making memories, and spending as much time as possible being together and not getting caught up in the santa chaos and hopefully spend what used to be an incredibly painful holiday for me a joyful one of memories being made and enjoying the anticipation that was in the first Christmas.  

So, I hope that helps-and lets you in to my oddly wired brain :)

When did you stop dancing?

Maybe it's just a stage, maybe it's our little girl...but someone LOVES music! Loves dancing!

When the music comes on she can't stop her feet from moving, she can't stop her hands from clapping, and there is usually this high pitch squeal of delight that exudes from her being. If she really lets herself go you can find her spinning in circles as the music plays...it's freedom...

As I find myself watching her with so much delight and I see the pure joy she gets from dancing and from the music I wonder why I don't see people breaking out in Hyvee or Hobby Lobby in spins or clapping. Okay maybe not Hobby Lobby because their music is creepy. But multiple times when we are out Kadence hears the music and NEEDS to get her groove on. I started reflecting on this and wondering why I don't see adults spinning and clapping through stores. At what point did we lose our freedom to let loose and leave the cares of the world behind.

Did someone tell us to stop dancing and act proper? Did someone tell us our behavior wasn't acceptable? Did we look around and see other people not dancing and so decide on our own it's not okay? Who decided it wasn't okay? Why don't we live in a world of freedom where when music comes on we can drop everything we are doing and dance? When music comes on and our kids can't stop it from letting loose, can we drop everything we are doing and clap along?

When did I myself stop dancing? I mean I never had "rhythm"-let's be honest but did I react to music and movement the same way Miss K does? When was it not cool anymore? Does it take people surrounding you to make that filter go away and just let loose? I think about High School dances, college formals...all of those are dancing in groups (minus middle school- that was a lot of boys on one wall and girls on the other). But when did I myself stop dancing? Now I will tell you when Andy is not home and I can crank up the music and belt it at the top of my lungs and do some serious dancing with the broom. But when in public or outside of the comfort of my car you get the "polished" Kylie. The Kylie that is "appropriate (well to a degree) in public. But why?

I want to be that mom! I want to be the mom that for as long as Kadence will be moved by music and experience that freedom that I would encourage her to "let it go" and belt it out, stomp those feet, and let the world be her creative masterpiece. I want her to know that she is brave, beautiful, and that music is powerful and should be danced to. I want her to appreciate and be passionate about "feeling" the music and I want her to be surrounded in a home, family, and a culture that's not afraid to dance, let go, and clap along.

If I sit in theses thoughts for any time at all it becomes a very spiritual wrestling. Kadence in her purest form is being child-like. She is showing a side of herself that I think makes Jesus smile the largest smile. She is experiencing a freedom that in my heart I feel is the freedom that Christ gives to us. I feel like she dances in the way that Jesus dances when He sees creation. I think she "gets" it way better than my adult brain can ever comprehend. So for me and my family we will clap along to every song that comes on, we will worship together, we will dance together, we will live in this freedom together and we will encourage others to dance with us! Let's create a culture for our kids where they can experience that freedom of dance and the love for rhythm and music for the duration of their life! I pray for Kadence that she never stops feeling the freedom or joy in the way that she does when one of her favorite songs comes on and she just wants to spin...because that is a beautiful way to live and experience life. I am so glad Miss K teaches me things on the way that I should live. She is a great gift!

I blinked my eyes and she became a toddler...

I haven't posted in awhile...my excuse is that I have been living life at a pace I am not a fan of! But with a desire to rise above what is expected of me and to go against what is EASY for me I am practicing delegation, asking for help, and saying no. So, all of that equals YOU getting a new blog post. As random and all over the place that it will prove to be :)

Miss Kadence is amazing! I love her! She is growing and learning every single day!

I stand amazed at how much that little brain of hers can comprehend.

This last week we "studied" the color blue. People always ask me how I do all of our stuff that we do but doing stuff with Kadence doesn't feel like something I have to make time for. We were going to play anyway, we were going to read books anyway, we were going to make art, sing songs, take baths, and hang out anyway...none of that is different in my day to day life. The only thing that changed this week is when we colored we only brought out the color blue. When we took baths we used blue food coloring. We sorted our toys and only put the blue toys upstairs and left everything else downstairs. We went to the library and checked out books that were blue. After a week of "Blue Immersion" I have a little girl that when you ask her what color this is she says "BLUE" and if you ask her to go get her blue bear or her blue ball she will go and pick up just that.

Sometimes I sit back and I am amazed at the things that she is processing and understanding. It then becomes this huge God thing for me. Because I think wow God made us so intricately that somewhere along the line this 1 1/2 year old turned into a little human who thinks that she is very much a functioning adult.

Now, not all of her new found "grown-up-ness" is welcomed. She has very much figured out how to say no, yes, and all done. We have had to put some boundaries on what to enforce. Things that are questions of preference, she can have an opinion (i.e. would you like to wear your pink shoes? Feel free to say no to that, at the end of the day I don't even care if you wear shoes. ) Other things- commands- like take my hand. You MAY NOT say no to. She's still learning this concept and meltdowns happen but she'll get it figured out, I have no doubt. We have meltdowns when we don't get our way. She is cute, but she is human and not getting your way is a hard break sometimes. Luckily for her, she has a mommy and a daddy that can handle her meltdowns and aren't really even phased by them. So, throw yourself down...scream no and as soon as you are ready to pull yourself together we are ready and willing to go on with the next thing in the day. She'll get there and until then a lot of grace for a little girl who is learning the ways of the land and a lot of patience for a mommy and daddy who are learning a lot about God and our own ways of throwing fits through watching Miss K grow.

Mommy's Bragging Moments-
Large Motor-
She can dance, throw, stomp her feet, clap her hands, run, and walk
Fine Motor-
She can color (although sometimes she would rather eat the crayons), pick up things with her pincer grip, she can start threading things on straws like pasta or big beads
Language Development-
She repeats EVERYTHING, she can sing a long with lots of songs- recognizes them when they come on the radio. She has a very large vocab of basic words, names, and such. She loves animal sounds and often picks up her big book and over and over says "Bible" (it's so cute!)

Her favorite things- She loves her dolly and stuffed animals. She loves her soft blankets. She loves to rearrange things and organize things. She is a huge fan of any household routines. She likes to help empty the dishwasher, sweep, put things in the trash, pick out clothes, put clothes away (I am actually hoping she picks this stuff up quickly so she can do them independently) but till then is is super fun to see her desire to "help". She still loves elmo, the park, swimming, riding the bike with dad, reading books, going to target, getting messy, and eating!

Having a toddler keeps us on our toes but I can honestly say Andy and I have enjoyed every stage that Kadence has been in. From binge watching netflix on maternity leave, to her first summer last year, to all of the firsts this year, to figuring out who we are as actual "parents" in setting boundaries and figuring out how God desires us to shape our daughter.

This stage is fun and we go to bed exhausted at the end of the day because we have used as much joy and fun as one day can handle!

My words of advice to mommies with babies is don't blink...because before you know it...they become a toddler and you look around and question how that all happened so fast :)

sidenote: I have found more of prayer life question when is the next ewing baby going to be coming into the mix. I try figuring out if it will be a boy, a girl, a sibling set? What will our life look like then? Will it come from the states, internationally, private, through the system? There are so many options. But wondering if this is God's way of "preparing" me to stop the birth control aka sending in our application for our next. Fun thing with adoption is that it could still be 1, 2, 6, or 8 years down the line before this desire gets fulfilled so we'll see what God has instore. Would it be too much to ask for our birth mom to get pregnant again? lol. She just makes such great babies!!!

Well that's enough random thoughts from me :)

Living in abundance...

On the brink of tears! This morning I am chucking it off to being a girl but as I sit here and do some self reflecting I am OVERWHELMED by God's goodness, faithfulness, and how He knows me right here in Lee's Summit. He knows my struggles, the things I worry about, the things I long for, the things that take up way too much space in my heart, and the things that I wrestle with on a daily basis. I know this full well and there are some days like to today that I am overwhelmed by His love for me...and I can't even process that the way He loves me, He loves ALL of his children, ALL of the people sitting in starbucks with me, ALL the people that I worked with last night, and ALL the people in my community. That is just too big for my simple mind. I can't fathom all of that. What I can tell you is how God has crashed into my life lately and tell you that I am grateful!

*In friendship. It's not a secret that I struggle with being lonely. It's not a secret that my two best friends are no where near remotely close to me. I have LONGED for them, my heart aches to be with them. As corny as it sounds I feel complete when they are around...they are good for my soul. They make me a better mom, wife, and follower of Jesus. God is blessing my relationship with them because I am FINALLY figuring out how to have long distance relationships (anyone that has known me for awhile knows that I function very much in the out of sight out of mind mentality when it comes to friends- I don't do it on purpose but I do it). I have figured out that I can have phone calls even though the time difference. I have figured out that facebook messages really do give you warm fuzzies when that is your only way to communicate. I have figured out how to feel "connected" even though I can't see them. With this more connectedness comes this need to fall on my face before Jesus on their behalf. Now there is praying for someone (saying grace or bedtime prayers ;) ) and then there is PRAYing. (at least this is true for me- I am sure that over coffee we could have this long theological discussion about what is prayer, how you talk to God, etc) In my life my PRAYing its my reckless abandonment after God's heart. It's everything inside me causing me to lay at the feet of Jesus and weep on their behalf. In my house it looks like a rug. It looks like no one being home and I physically lay on the floor and become like this heap on the floor but on someone elses behalf (okay so now I sound creepy) but I have so seen God show up and bless these women, bless our friendship, and show me that there is abundance in praying for your friends. Prayer makes the distance not seem so far. God has healed my heart in this area and now I have  experienced beautiful friendship and also seen how God is crashing into all of our lives.

*My marriage. My husband is amazing! If you read this a lot or if you know me you know that I am ridiculously in love with that man! We have been married for 7 years (next week) and I have had this same school girl crush on him 12 years! I journaled for the first time in 2005 that I knew he was going to be my husband. Our marriage is fun and he is my favorite person in the whole world. I don't tell you this for social media bragging but I tell you the truth in that he's my person. As much as I daydreamed of being his wife 10 years ago, I still to this day day dream about this man. He is sexy, selfless, and a crazy great husband and dad. I pray for him too and lately I have seen the specific things I have been praying for showing up in his daily life. I pray for him daily as he has a dangerous job and so I pray for him everyday as he heads out to work and then again every time I hear a siren. Lately I have been moved to pray for his relationship with God and that it just wouldn't just be there but that he would be passionate about it and that it would be at the forefront of his mind. I prayed for how he leads our house, that he would feel encouraged, that I would be the helpmeet he needed. That he too would be surrounded by godly men that were passionate about God's word and that while he was at work he would be able to see God working. So I have been watching my husband (not creepily-lol) and I have noticed that the conversations he is initiating are more bathed in God's word, he is quoting scripture more, and that when I ask him about work there are more and more days that he says, "you know I could see every call tonight was orchestrated by God and His timing". Andy at his bare minimum, at his core, is missional and selfless. I know God made him that way but he can even feel "distant" from Jesus and still live his life that way. The fruit of the spirit that I am seeing from my husband is beautiful and something that only Jesus does. I am proud to watch him lead our house and watch him father our little girl. God is crashing into his life- giving him boldness, tenderness, and a passion for His word.

*At work. I have a great job! This year has been hard but we have persevered and have seen His abundant blessing. These last two months I can't deny seeing God's hand daily at work. From God's timing of how every piece of our move, demolition, strategic planning, etc has meticulously fallen into place. Days when I would go to bed saying "really?" and then the next day something better than MY plan the day before comes through. Most people know we are getting ready to do a move at work. I need to hire more staff, I need to raise funds (only like $100,000 before August 1-lol), I need to grow my volunteer base to triple what it is currently. My strategic plan for one year is what most organizations would propose for 5 years. I am not naive as I set out on this journey or underestimate what it will take to achieve these things. But from the timing on checks coming in on the exact day that they need to or teams of volunteers coming in at certain times. Little things like furniture being on ridiculous sales, to interns coming in at the exact right time, to winning business of the year just a couple weeks before we are launching our business sponsorships. We are witnessing a God bathed world in a very secular world. Every day when I get in the car on the way to work, I tell God this is your strategic plan-not mine. You already know every last donor, volunteer, and teen that is going to walk through my door. You know what staff will be hired, what the space will look like, how everything will unfold. And He does and it does and I stand in awe.

*Miss K. She is great! She is so smart and always learning. I sit back and think of my journey to Kadence often. I think about how every step was ordained by God. I have been praying and thinking about how to raise a child as she continues to grow that loves Jesus and how if she can memorize Frozen's Let it Go she should be able to memorize other things. I have been pondering this and living in a learning posture of what does raising a daughter that loves Jesus look like. God has been faithful in putting some great resources and people in my path as great examples. And so I sit and watch crash into her life too.

I tell you all of this because it would be VERY easy to look at this and be like "Oh, Kylie has been having a couple of good months" but I see it completely differently. I look at it as God knowing my heart, knowing the things I long for and Him coming crashing into my life. He is blessing my life, my friendships, my home, my marriage, and my work. It doesn't mean that we don't currently have a car that has a blown head gasket, or that my husband didn't have a hard week at work, or that my body isn't exhausted from working long hours, chasing a toddler, and trying to keep up but when you step back to reflect in worship in his goodness the little things (or big things) just drift into the distance and I am refreshed and filled up with my God bathed world where Jesus comes crashing in and loving on the people in my life. Prayer is beautiful and today I am choosing to bask in His goodness and live in His abundance.

The vulnerability of a sign...

So I usually use this blog to write about my journey with my daughter but today it's work...Today God is working through the vulnerability of a sign.

I got the proof. It came. The sign. The sign that says Pro Deo Youth Center. It has our logo. It's going up for the world to see. It's an accomplishment that I have waited for since 2009. I am so excited that I can hardly stand it. God has been blessing Pro Deo abundantly these last 5 years and this year is no different. Pro Deo is growing, changing, improving, and figuring it out...I have been all in from day one. From the first trip to the police station with the girl who was reporting a rape and she detailed every last detail of that horrific night and my ears that were hearing if for the first time. I sat in a room with a police officer and heard the vulnerability of her story. She was brave and I was scared. From the countless girls that have taken pregnancy test in my bathroom. To the kids that I have sat in their hospital rooms after they attempted suicide. To the girls nights that looking back were some of my favorite times. To the amount of coffee that has been drank for the sake of getting to the bottom of hearing a kids life story. From the break up stories, the bullying, the abuse, the brokenness. Their stories have changed me, burdened me, and the love and respect I have for them and the journey that they are on is indiscribable. The LEAST I can do for them is to be 100% sold for this cause. When they graduate from HS they call us, when they get their grades up our phone rings, when the heartache comes they reach out to us, when they get grounded they still desperately long to be with us, when they get scared they reach out to us. It is not because we have created a dynamite program that you can't find anywhere else. I truly feel that it's because every kid that walks through my door is loved. They are loved despite their label that society has given them. Thief, druggie, nerd, slut, whore, gay, poor, snob, theater kid...come one...come all my arms are open. Come and bare your soul and I will wrap my arms around you. I will listen, be burdened and take your story to the only person I know who can heal you, Jesus. Along the way I hope to make you laugh, I hope to give you the resources you need and help you succeed in life but if you walk away with NOTHING else the fact that your story was heard and you knew you were loved is enough for me.

So the vulnerability of the sign...

I'm scared of what a sign means. A sign means we can be found. Up to this point if you knew about Pro Deo it's because someone brought you or told you. A sign allows for all to stop in and find Pro Deo for themselves. This is exciting because it means that kids and parents alike can find us and it's not this abstract thing of where we are. With this it also mean more community partners needed, more case management needed, more staff, more volunteers.

A sign means it's not just Kylie and Andy's baby that can eb and flow with wherever we go. It means that it is rooted in the community, that it is here to stay. It means that on bad days I can't dream of packing up shop and moving the whole operation to Hawaii- lol. The community is just as invested as Kylie and Andy to love these teens. They are on the front lines too!

A sign means training. It means training for my volunteers and staff and people in our community so that they know how to give the same kind of attention and love that Kylie desires every teen that walks through the door to have. It means creating a safe environment despite the labels. Creating a safe place even if your archenemies is in the same room. It means helping teens break down the walls and become vulnerable as well.

The vulnerability of the sign really means...

If I am completely honest and vulnerable my biggest fear of putting the sign up is that what happens in the event if Pro Deo ever fails and has to close its doors. Then there's that sign looming for all to see where one family put their hopes and dreams. It will be a symbol of where kids used to go to be heard, be challenged, and loved. Before if Pro Deo closed up shop teenagers would have been effected  (it would have been just as devastating) but they would have half expected it because they are used to being abandoned by people in their journey. But now it wouldn't just be teens effected. Pro Deo has become such a community endeavor that teens, churches, businesses, community leaders, and community members would all be effected. It would be a sad day! I am fearful because not a single other youth center has succeeded in lees summit since 1960 or 70's I think they tell me (people like to tell me this). Many have tried, many have failed. I know this, I am aware and yet I still ordered the sign.

So the sign brings fear for me, it also brings trust, excitement, and ready for what God has on this journey. I am already praying for the teens we will meet this summer and next fall. Already praying for the volunteers that will step forward, for the donors that will feel led to give and make our dreams a reality and praying for the community that has acknowledge that the teens in Lee's Summit are worth investing in. They are worth being vulnerable with. They are worth the late nights, the countless facebook messages and text messages. They are worth the tears. They are worth the smiles. They are worth the joy that their presence brings to our community.

The sign for me is me being brave. I'm being brave, trusting that God's got this! I am trusting that He is in control and all my fears of growth and what's to come is beautiful to Jesus.

So for everyone else Pro Deo gets a sign that has our name, that lights up in the dark, and looks super cool...for Kylie it's a symbol of following Jesus with reckless abandonment and and putting all my hopes, dreams, and desires into what He is doing and the sign is a symbol of my trust in Him.

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that this sign is a reminder of just how small I am and how big Jesus is...The sign leaves me feeling vulnerable

Sex, Church, and a few things in between...

So, I was planning on blogging today but my topic was going to be completely different until I just got out of church. 

This morning's service could have been cut up into about a whole years worth of study for me because I found myself taking bits and pieces of the sermon and chewing on it for a few minutes and then rejoining the sermon and this happened multiple times. So bear with me if my thoughts are everywhere- 

This morning's service was about sex and I love the topic of sex and love the taboo of it when it's talked about from the pulpit so I was hooked from the beginning. I found myself during church having to silence my inner black church girl wanting to say Amen and Preach it brother while our pastor was talking. I remember at one point when he was talking longing that some of my teens were in the room. I long for others that don't have a relationship with Christ to understand and experience sex from a godly, loving, spiritual relationship in the covenant of marriage. It made me sad for marriages I know that have the marriage thing going for them but still don't have the Jesus thing and they are STILL missing out on this. There are countless teens out there that love and parade around about their sex life...and so many times I want to tell them if you only knew the beauty that could exist with this. Our world has settled and made something incredibly intimate and beautiful disgusting and shameful. Girls all over the world are scared of sex, made to feel disgusting by it, and taken advantage of in the name of sex...I remember one time joking around with a girl telling her that sex in marriage was worship to Jesus and us both laughing about it...except I wasn't joking. I also feel a sense of urgency that we communicate to our children that we are raising in godly homes that sex is not something we can't talk about. Sex in movies and on BET is not what I want my daughter to know and relate to in the realm of sex. This means that we have to work on how we do sex education, how we communicate sex with our friends, in our marriage, in our churches, and to our children. It is not enough that teens learn about condoms, anatomy, and their reproductive system. I would love to see a generation that is raised to be passionate about God and sex in a healthy and loving way. I wish that sex on your wedding night was anticipated in our culture the way a first car, the 18th birthday, or even the 21st birthday...but even that doesn't do it justice. It makes me sad that our culture has settled for something cheap, lacking intimacy, and vulgar as their concept of sex. 

I can't finish that topic because my brain is still baking all of it's thoughts on it- so on to my next thought :) 

During church they read the passage in Ephesians 5: 21 about wives submitting to their husbands and I don't know if I just sat in the noisy section but as soon as the passage started there was grumbling in the rows around me and snickering. It was much my reaction a long time ago when I first stumbled upon it. You want me to do what? Why? Are you crazy? I am woman hear me roar kind of a moment, shake your fist at the bible kind of a moment. I've been there. But to be where I am today...to have the marriage that I have today...I can tell you there is nothing more beautiful than to watch Ephesians 5: 21-33 play out in your marriage. Yes women submit- but that doesn't make you a doormat. That doesn't make you any less worthy. That doesn't take your value away to submit to your husband. Then Ephesians go on and as much as I am called to submit, my husband is called to love me like Christ loves the church...THAT IS A HUGE CALLING! These things we are called to do in Ephesians are not easy, they are not cheap, they are not things I can wake up and just do and pat myself on the back at the end of the night for a job well done. Truly living out Ephesians in your marriage is work. It takes effort. It take mutual love of Christ and love for God's word. They are both roles of dying to yourself, it's humility. It's passion for another being...Gah....my body and brain are overflowing with thoughts about this morning

If someone was here for me to process all of these thoughts with- my blog probably would be less all over the place (no guarantees). Just know that I am a girl that has grown to love the word submit. I am a girl that has grown to love Ephesians 5 (when I first got my Bible I would have preferred if that chapter would have been deleted). I am a girl that is crazy passionate about my husband, and I am a girl that knows the beauty of a God bathed marriage. It is not easy, we still screw it up daily, but it is beauty that no one could have adequately described to make me see it as such till walking through it. 

I hope and pray that one day all of my teen girls will also experience a God bathed marriage. I pray for Kadence even now that one day she will grow up and have a husband that loves Jesus and loves her like Christ loves the church and that she will not be scared of the word submission and will not feel that her value is connected or lessened by her ability to die to herself. 

Now I am off to bake so that I can process more of this stuff...arguably should have done that first- lol

The FUN mom...

We decided when we started this journey adopting Kadence that we were going to make this a public event. We decided that we needed prayers and we needed to be vulnerable with the online community because if there were other "researchers" out there that maybe my journey, struggles, and honest chats through life might be helpful. And even if they aren't helpful to anyone else they are very therapeutic for myself :)

At this point we have crossed the year mark and no longer can I say a year ago I was preparing for Kadence and the fear that was in that. A year ago I was cuddling a little bundle, enjoying maternity leave, and binge watching private practice on Netflix. It was a simple time, a relaxing time (mainly cause I had an easy baby- I am aware that a lot of people this is not their experience). I also got to spend two weeks doing this with my husband, no other priorities except for our family. In our six years of marriage, besides our honeymoon, we had never spent this much uninterrupted time together.

A year later: jobs have picked back up, responsibilities returned and there are times when life is crazy but I still wouldn't change it for the world! Most people see my life and think wow that girl is busy, how does she have time for (fill in the blank)? Recently I had a woman say she had been watching my photos on facebook and she wondered how did I have time for all that fun? I had another mom say that she wished that I would stop posting pics of fun things because it makes her feel bad that she doesn't do any of that stuff with her kids and it was making her feel bad. As much as these women are telling the truth and our curious and saying it as loving and with humor as they can, I start reflecting...and here are some of my thoughts I have come up with-

* My degree is elementary/early childhood...I don't think it was my degree as much as the way my body is wired. Jesus called me to work with Teens, it was not my choosing(although I love it). Jesus called me to be an executive, that was not my choosing(all though I love it too). So I will forever be the girl in the board room with flipflops on and if  my husband would let me I would resemble more of Ms. Frizzle than any non-profit could possibly handle. So, that results in my brain being over stimulated by raising a child. I go to target and I might be there for just milk but it instantly turns into a sensory play date where we are looking for things that are soft, rough, loud, quiet, etc. It has instantly turned into our playground and it cost me nothing (minus the cost of milk and maybe a thing or two from the dollar bins ;)) My life thinks in classroom management even if I only have one kid. I have books/toys etc separated by season. I see trash (like a velveta box we had yesterday) and it's just going in the trash but before it gets there I give it to Kadence (and ultimately Jada) and see what they can do with it. Can Kadence put the box together? Can she take it apart? Can she hide things in it? I tell you all of this so that you can see I am constantly thinking of activities and play things to do with Kadence. It is not something that takes "work" it just happens.

*How much time does it really take? I get the question all of the time how do I have time for all the things that we do? We play hard at our house, we work hard at our house, but we also relax hard at our house too. Most of the things we do happen around things we would do anyways. We are taking a bath anyway- what can I do to make it more fun? I keep food coloring in the bathroom (I know odd) but then I just add it to the water and any bath instantly becomes fun. Last night I did a 30 second run through of the house and picked up anything green ( a mountain dew bottle that was empty, two quick trip lids that were green, 3 ball pit balls, and 3 mega blocks all green). We instantly had a St. Patty's celebration in the tub. It took all of 30 seconds and it was fun not just for her but for us too. Would she have enjoyed her tub just as much without all of that- sure but why not? The other component that plays into our life is that my husband has a crazy shift and every other weekend we barely get to see him between sleep and work. So every other week I play single mom for the weekend. It is exhausting, hard, and by the end of the weekend we are all ready for daddy to be home and I am forever grateful that it's just a weekend and that I am not indeed a single mom. But if my focus for the weekend was surviving through the weekend I would be miserable. My interactions with Kadence would be mediocre at best. The environment in our house would be depressing and ugly. Instead those weekends have now become some very special moments to me. We have girls days- we go shopping, we paint our toes, we do our "really messy" stuff then. When nap time comes and I should be doing housework I sit in silence, breathe deeply and count my blessings. When Kadence wakes from her nap we are both refreshed and ready to play more. If I need to work or do house work I save that till she is asleep at night (or lets be honest put it off till the next day). It might not work for everyone but it makes our weekend when Andy is working fun, and when he gets off on Monday we are not useless heaps of mess that needs to be put back together. I am still exhausted but it is not because I am stressed or it's too much it's because we played hard and we (kadence, Jada, and I) were not designed to not have daddy around :)

* My husband is amazing! The reason we are also able to get so much done (not that this is what we are striving for it is just what we get told all the time) is because andy is a hard worker too. I am in a few moms groups on facebook and it is so disheartening to me to read all the women that are longing for their husbands to just engage in raising their kids. They long for their husband to do something, anything around the house. I read them and to me it's a disconnect. My husband is a great dad, worker, volunteer in the community, and house worker. He is not idle. It probably helps that he is not a sports man, video game man, etc. 9 times out of 10 it's Andy who starts the laundry, it's Andy who puts the dishes away. I am blessed and I know it. We make a great team and I know that there are a ton of women out there that wish their husband was active either around the house or with the kids. So, I guess another reason "I" am able to get so much done is because it's not really "I" that is doing everything. My husband takes a GREAT deal of weight off my plate by doing things off my to do list, things around the house, and raising Kadence WITH me.

* I have waited a LONG time to be this mom! From the time I was a little girl I rocked baby dolls. If we played house I wanted to be the mommy. If you played house with me you were always the daddy or the kids. When I was in college I was watching moms in the local church and taking note of the type of mom I wanted to be. My whole journey I was reflecting on how to be a mom, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be...etc. So at least 23 years in the making I have been waiting for this season of my life and doing some intense training for this time in my life. So I have 23 years of thoughts on how to be a mom that are now running crazy from by brain.

* I don't work from 9-5. I have an amazing family and co-workers and a great job! I work 40-60 (sometimes more and those are the weeks I am not proud of) hours a week depending on the week. However my hours rarely happen straight in a row (which for my ADD is a blessing). So this looks like getting up before everyone else in my house and returning emails before people get into work. It means during nap time I spread out my computer bag, return phone calls, and manage projects. It means on Andy's days off I slip away to the coffee shop so that I can work start to finish on certain projects, have meetings, and do a lot of admin tasks for my job. Then on other days that I need to work that I can't take Kadence with me I have an amazing family that steps up to the plate to snuggle and play with Miss Kadence. I know that we are blessed because Andy and I both have full time jobs and yet we have still managed to not have Kadence in daycare, a rare blessing. I also have a great support system of staff and volunteers that if something arises and I can't slip away I have people that can step up to the plate in my absence.

I tell you all of that to tell you we don't "DO IT ALL" at our house nor is Kylie a "SUPER WOMAN". I am just a girl that Jesus decided was wired to me a mom and a wife. He called me to ministry with teenagers and somewhere along the way in this season of my life they all merged onto the same path. Andy and I feel incredibly blessed to be where we are in life and see God answering prayers left and right. We are blessed that at this season in our life we can have the life that we have. IF I was still teaching in public school my life would not look like it does today. IF our organization had not grown to where we have a larger base of staff and volunteers my life would not look like it does today. I am grateful that at just the right time God answered our prayers and that all along when I thought he was saying no He was just putting things into place so that I could be the mom, wife, and leader that he wanted ME to be today. I'm leaning into this journey and having so much fun! God is so good!

Perspective and reflecting are great tools to have as a mom!

Sincerely the "Fun" mom :)

She's one...tear

Parking in this spot a year ago was the start to the most incredible journey...I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would have the honor or privilege of parking in this spot. It was something that I coveted- I know trivial- but for me it symbolized everything I couldn't be. I couldn't conceive therefore I couldn't be a mommy yet that is what my soul cried out for. There are days where I wish I could go back to that hospital room, on that joyous day and take her into my arms again for the first time. When she was laid in my arms for the first time, there was no emotion to put into words what I was feeling. I had protected my heart and guarded it and prepared it for the worse case scenario (I also read plenty of horrific adoption blog posts to prepare me for anything negative that could come- I am so optimistic). I couldn't picture my life past each moment in that hospital. As we got snowed in and our journey in the hospital continued...I loved being right there. If I went back to that room, and they put her in my arms today, and I knew then what I know now...that she would be mine forever...I probably would have had a whole different set of emotions. Maybe it was actually good cause I probably would have scared Kadence and the nursing staff-lol.

I look back on this journey and there are no words for the things I have seen God do over the past year or the years leading up to this expierince. I have no doubt that all of my tears and yelling at God were heard. I have no doubt that those fall on your face moments before Jesus out of desperation were all preparing me for this journey that I now call motherhood. I have no doubt when I cried out to God while listening to While I'm Waiting by John Waller that God heard my heart, he took my tears, he molded my heart to be in a place where I could be not just "A MOM" but to be "THIS MOM" THIS mom doesn't take things for granted, THIS mom has loved every second of this year, THIS mom knows what life would be like without this little girl and is something I never want to experience again. Looking back I am glad that God didn't answer my prayers in the order that I had requested. I love that in His time table my job, my family, my church, my marriage, and me were all ready at just the right time. Because of His perfect timing I have been able to be fully present with Kadence. My marriage was able to grow to a place where adding to our family was a blessing and not a stressor. Our families have grown to such a place where I usually have a baby sitter, even on short chaotic moments. My job grew to where we weren't running a youth center out of our home anymore which is a huge blessing and we were able to bring on staff which has given me more flexibility in being a mom. I didn't see all of this prep work when I was walking in the pain. What I saw was what I didn't have. I saw what I needed and wanted and that was it. On any given day I was 2.5 seconds a way from throwing a terrible temper tantrum. Here I am many moons later and almost laughing at how bad I longed for Kadence and how confident I was that God had forgotten me...maybe my prayers had just hit the ceiling because I couldn't see Him working. But a year and 12 weeks later (from the first meeting of the birth mom) I am left here saying to God you are so much greater that I am. He knew better and he was at work even when I couldn't see it. I am glad He didn't give up on me when I was frustrated with Him. I am glad He was patient with me when I was throwing a fit. And I am glad that he has held me and helped me through all the highs and lows of this past year. He has never left me. He has never stopped working on my behalf. He has never stopped molding me, preparing me, or loving me. As we transition from having a baby to a toddler(although I am not ready to admit it) I can't help but feel my role of Kadence's mom is shifting. I am going from cuddles, feeding, and diapers to more of a relationship like my Heavenly Father has with me. It is now our job as parents to not give up when we get frustrated in the years to come (I hear parenting teens suck-lol), We are to be patient with her when she is throwing a temper tantrum, we will help her through the highs and lows that will come in her life directing her evermore to the love of her savior. We will keep molding her, preparing her and loving her every day for the rest of her life. As much as the first year of Kadence's life has taught me about my own spiritual journey and healing all these areas in my own journey...I kind of feel like God telling me to pull up my bootstraps and that this cuddly wuddly photogenic baby needs more from us than facebook photos, rocking, food, and snuggles. Here's to a life of living out our faith before and with our baby girl. Here's to the journey of teaching, listening, learning, and loving this beautiful human that God has so graciously called MY DAUGHTER!

Here are some highlights you might not know about Kadence:
She can say- well pretty much anything you can say-lol. But Daddy, Mommy, Jada (ada), Grandma (baba),  drink (dink), thank you (ank u) , please (ease), cheese (although she can't figure out if that is food or something you do for the camera). And uh-oh which she will say right before she throws something on the ground-lol. But really anything you say she tries to repeat...

She gets excited when elmo comes on, loves phones and taking selfies. She loves to dance and has about as much dancing skills at 1 as I have at 30. She loves to eat- I haven't found anything she doesn't like yet. She has moved to just having formula at morning and night and the rest of the day is on whole milk. She is still taking two naps (praying that stays for many many years-lol).

She loves when daddy comes home from work and absolutely loves her sister Jada and LOVES feeding her from the high chair (something that mommy is trying to break)

She has 8 teeth, is standing on her own (only for a sec or two), and loves to cruise around the house in her walker like a little old woman. She likes feeding herself, taking baths, and anything she can do independently.

She loves rocking stuffed animals and looking at herself in the mirror.

Books are her favorite. She loves to be read to (Daddy has the best story times- her favorite being nugget and fang by tami sauer) and she likes to read on her own at any chance she gets.

She loves ice cream. She also knows what food comes on so when you go into the kitchen to get a plate she starts MMMMMing and begging for food-lol

We made it a whole year without buying diapers. No Joke! God is good and every time I thought we would run out another box would appear! We have been blessed beyond belief in the past year.

All in all she is a happy girl and fills our life with so much joy and excitement !

If I could tell you anything through my journey these past few years and especially this year is that God is GOOD! He IS working. He IS healing. His grace is amazing and he provides, and loves in ways I never new possible...and this girl right here LOVES her little girl! Kadence Anaya mommy and daddy can't think of anything more in life we want thank to be your mommy and daddy and watch you grow up and love Jesus.

Ahhhhh....Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

I thought I loved you then...

So, can you believe Miss K is almost one? I can't! This week a year ago I was preparing to see her for the first time on a sonogram and a year later here she sits next to me as I type this munching on her banana and feeding the ones she doesn't want to Jada.

Last year I loved the idea of Miss K, I love the thought of having a baby girl. I love the thought of being a mommy and Andy being a daddy. I loved the idea of bows, tutus, and everything pink. I was all in and ready for the ride of a lifetime :)

The things I longed for are great! I do love having a baby girl. She feels like she was destined to be mine. I love Andy and I as mommy and daddy. We make a great team and our love for each other has grown and deepened in ways I didn't know it could. We have lived up to the bows, tutus and lots of pink...but there is so much more!

I didn't know then that I was going to love all her funny babbling. I love how she joins in the conversation just like we can understand everything she is saying. I love how she loves on Jada and wants to play with her all the time. I love how she is curious about the smallest details and how she is determined to do things even when they look hard or challenging. I love her excitement when she tries new foods and the faces she makes when she is not a fan. I love how she picks up on new tricks every day and wants to show them off for you. I love that in the mornings she wants nothing more than to cuddle with me (that's good because I need my cuddles in the mornings). I love as soon as she is done eating she rubs her grimy hands through her hair and then throws her excess food on the floor for Jada. I love that she treats our living room as a jungle gym and crawls over and over pillows, stuffed animals, or people depending on whats in her way...

I didn't know then that her tears would pierce my heart the way they do. I didn't know that when she was sick I would feel helpless and want nothing more than for her to feel better. I didn't know then that the mere presence of her would make me feel content. I didn't know that my evening routine was about to triple in length but that it would be some of the best moments in my whole day. I didn't know how hard changing an almost 1 year old's diaper would be. I didn't know how much of an independent little girl she would be...

I have been working on Miss K's baby book and it has officially made me a sap! I am obsessed with looking at it. I look at pictures of when we were in the hospital and I remember not wanting to take my eyes off of her. I remember just sleeping and holding her on my chest. I remember the first time getting to look at her. I then remember the 8 weeks that followed with lots of cuddling and netflix. I remember this summer getting to take her to the pool for the first time, sitting in the grass for the first time, and all of the firsts in between them. I remember when she rolled over for the first time and I made her do it over and over to make sure it was real. Then when she sat up for the first time, crawled, pulled up, and standing on her own...all of these times have been special. All of the first holidays, all of the meeting people for the first time, all of the things we have done over this past year and all the love that has filled our home! Then the song came on I thought I loved you then...and I couldn't help but think back to that hospital room and how full my heart was then to today and how I didn't know my heart could love her more and each day it grows more.

This has been a year worth all the tears, prayers, and waiting that led up to it. This year has been the most beautiful thing I have ever experience as a person, in my marriage, and as a family! Here's to many many more years of looking back and thinking, I thought I loved you then...and watching my love grow even more!

God is GOOD!

What she didn't say...

I shared a link this morning to a woman who wrote about being a cop wife. It was one of the best written articles about my life that I have read in a long while. She hit some of the pain right on the head, some of the worry, and all of the pride. I too, like her, have one of the good ones and I am proud to call him my husband and daddy to our girls. I do not know how he sees the things he sees, deals with the crap he deals with and yet can still come home and be gentle, understanding, patient, and loving. With all of this said there are some things that she didn't touch on that we have found as part of our life that may just be true in our little world but thought it would give insight...
1. Have you ever tried leading grace with an ear piece in your ear? It goes something like "Dear heavenly father, thank you...BEEEP armed disturbance at the peanut and then his number" "En route" and just like that grace, dinner, and your 30 min e-call is over
2. Andy works midnights so after I have put Kadence to sleep, I have picked up the house, done whatever I needed to do, and head to bed I hear what sounds like a little mouse scurrying through the kitchen looking for a snack. Luckily, unlike a mouse, his duty boots are quite heavy so I always know who it is and it brings a sense of peace. I love midnight snack time, and although I pretend to be asleep it always put a smile on my face.
3. You learn to be comfortable with a gun around. I didn't grow up with a personal body guard but I must admit after the link I shared and seeing who re-posted it and seeing that all were women from my church whose husbands also are cops...makes me question how many guns are in any given church service. I used to think that was weird but now it is nothing that phases me. Even friday when I went out with the girls (one of them a cop) I was comfortable knowing that even at 54th street at any given point there was a gun in-between me and my friend so she can protect me (well and everyone else in the restaurant -lol)
4. You learn to have empathy when your husband sleeps through church. I have figured out that church is not real conducive to baby sleep schedules and/or husband that works midnights schedules. He tries so hard to come to church with us because he wants to be a spiritual leader, he knows that I value a family going to church together...so about every other week my hubby has a hard time making it through church but he does it and I think God is okay with it. I think God knows his heart, knows that Andy loves Him, and that he is being the best man he knows how to be.
5. On top of all the other scheduling "conflicts" that our life might bring about my husband also makes time to spend time with me, Kadence, go to the dog park with Jada, tutor over at the Langsford house, run PE once a week at Langsford house, mentor twice a week over at Hilltop, sit on the board of the Langsford house and Pro Deo, and then most days also give up sleep to drive our 15 passenger van full of teenagers home from our after school program. He does all of this, lacking sleep, and not complaining. He will also go out of his way to pick up co-workers, visit people in the hospital, stop by and see his brother while on duty (his brother is a fire fighter). My husbands heart is the biggest I have ever seen a man have. God showed off a little when he made Andy.
6. You also learn what dishes heat, reheat, and reheat well. When we first got married, I used to leave dinner out and try to keep it warm till he was able to stop in and have it. That was a joke. I learned very quickly that you might as well cook, clean, and put it in tupperware before he gets a chance to eat it. I don't know if it is just us but it always feels like dispatch knows as soon as andy has stepped foot in the door. I will have food in the microwave and I will hear him que up his mic. So just as quick as I heated up the meal, I am recovering and putting it back in the fridge. It doesn't even phase me anymore...it's just part of the routine.
7. I have learned to NOT listen to the police scanner. I am really good at it. I know all of the numbers, codes, and for the most part who is who...so I really can give a play by play of the whole thing the whole time Andy is at work. I even got good at multi tasking and watching tv and listening to the scanner. Over the years the scanner has taken a back burner of importance to my life. It only took one valentines day of making a surprise for andy and hearing a call come out of a car stop with an armed and dangerous man who had a gun...they call for a second...and there is just silence. I sat there praying that there was second en-route to him. The second car got there. There was still silence. My world froze and I just waited as the dispatchers asked 10-18 (are you okay-basically) and there was another long pause and in my head I am praying over and over again the words 10-19 (I'm okay-basically). I hear andy come on the air say 10-19 and one in custody and my heart finally started beating again, I went back to working on my valentines surprise and life was okay again. That was just one call, one night, and I decided I couldn't live my life in fear or attached to the scanner at all times. So the scanner has taken a back burner in our home.
8. To be a police wife (or a good one-in my opinion) you can not be a jealous woman. You have got to understand that 12 hours of his day he is going on calls with people, talking to people, doing foot patrol with people. There are many days when Andy has spent more time with his co-workers or even that pesky prisoner that all of a sudden needed to go to the hospital than me. You have got to understand that going on foot patrol with an officer is part of his job not a hot date, getting grinded on by drunk women at the local bar is annoying not appealing. Andy gets hit on by women (and men-lol) on duty. He is Hot in a uniform. I embrace it and actually am flattered that so many find him attractive...because at the end of the night (or in our case first thing in the morning) he comes home to ME. I know I have it good, and I am secure in our relationship so there is not time/space/room for jealousy. If you are going to make it as a police wife there can not be room in your relationship for those things either.
9. I love that I have girlfriends who are also police wives because it makes us understand each other when we have plans and are waiting on the boys to go out and one of us calls because one of the boys got held over. It is not the exception to the rule...it is just how girls nights go :)
10. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, that arguing is not necessary, that kissing before he goes off to work is a necessity, and that days off need to truly be days off. That when he comes home as much as I want to vomit on him about my night, day, weekend, etc...he takes in everything that he does and doesn't vomit it all over me.
11. You get used to the phone calls of "What if I got arrested for this" "Is this illegal"or "Whats happening at blank and blank""Can you go check on". Inevitably those phone calls come during date night, family time, sleep, or my favorite at intimate moments but we have learned how to silence the phone, laugh at the calls, and ignore the incessant phone calls.
12. Three day work weeks are horrible...and on midnights...UGH. I think every wife/mom should have off the mondays after daddy has worked the weekend. Our weekends that Andy works looks like Friday 7pm-7am work, 7am-11am sleep, 11-2pm wake-play-eat 2pm-6pm sleep. 6-6:30 eat-play-get ready for work. 7pm-7am work. 7am-10am sleep. 10-1 Church, eat, play. 1-6 sleep. 6-6:30 eat. 7pm-7am work...Monday morning our whole family is EXHAUSTED and daddy still needs to sleep before he can function. Daddy is exhausted from the long hours and lack of sleep. Jada is chomping at the bit to have every last bit of dad's attention. Kadence wants to play, be held, and laugh with daddy, and mommy just wants a nap,shower, and starbucks!
13. People make jokes about handcuffs and the awesomeness of being married and him carrying handcuffs.You nasty people... Have you seen the people those handcuffs have been on? NO THANKS-lol
14. I have learned to never say, "When you get off we are going to..." whether that is watch a movie, go to the store, head to a ball game, whatever it is I have just now guaranteed myself that he is on the bubble to be held over :)
15. You also get used to at home if you hear a noise. The husband gets up and searches the house with flashlight and gun...our house is well protected...I am not scared of the boogie man :)
16. Being in a small group at church is a joke. What it really means is go to a couples small group and function like a single mom. I really do feel bad for Andy sometimes and the lack of community he receives at church. It is hard to find a small group of guys to meet and study the word with when most men in the church are not on his schedule. There are no marriage classes, parenting classes, financial peace, mid week institute...all of these options for community at church and not a single one of them work for his schedule. Our church is used to Andy showing up in uniform to potlucks, special events, and even small group but he can never let his guard down. He is only a passer by usually only there long enough to graze some food, say hello, and back out the door he goes.
17. We also learned real quick that not every call gets talked about. Whereas I could go on and on about every last ounce of drama that pours out from the families I work with...Andy's calls are sometimes a little harder to hear around the table. We made a pact early on that I wanted him to share what he needed to share but I trusted him if there were things he needed to keep to himself I just needed him to process it with someone. I also told him that my only rules were if we were at a social gathering or at his moms I didn't want to be caught off guard and eveyone be talking about a "BIG STORY" and me not know anything about it. So far that has worked well for us. The only time our plan has failed us was on a girls night with one of the girl cops. We were just making conversation about how her week was and she said, "Oh, my gosh I bet you were glad that the call the other night with the knife turned out okay" I looked at her dumbfounded. She was like, you know the officer assist call? No, I didn't know...Officer assist calls are not something anyone takes lightly...they are the calls that make my husbands heart race...and HE had one? I knew nothing of the story. This was one of the stories that Andy had decided to keep to himself to not worry me and girls night told me the story anyway. My girlfriend was so sorry that she had told me, Andy was sorry he had not...we laugh about it now...and now we just don't talk about work at girls nights :)

What I have learned more than anything is that being married to a police officer is an honor. Yes we have a high divorce rate in their profession, but I would never let that deter me from marrying this man. Yes there are things that are unique to our lifestyle that most of our friends and families will never get or understand and that's okay. I am proud to call Andy my husband, my best friend, my lover, and my comic relief. His job ensures that my prayer life will never be stagnant. I can not live in fear everyday of the what ifs that his job brings. I love that little kids love his uniform and that he is their hero, I take pride that drunk women find my husband attractive, and I will always always be grateful when the garage door opens. Please don't feel sorry for us as police wives or mommies...our job is hard on days but it makes us better and stronger wives and moms. We are proud of our husbands, we think their uniform is sexy too, but to us it is so much more than a uniform. What is more sexy is their character, their love for us as their wives, their love for God as He protects them on the street, and their love and sacrifices they make daily for their family. Marry a man in uniform, it's life changing...but it seriously is a beautiful brotherhood both for the boys and for the women by their side.

I love you Andy and you are the best of the best of the best!

What to do when your baby is no longer a bump on a log...

Long title, I know but once you've been writing a blog for a year short and sassy is just not coming out these days.
So we in our house have officially left bump on a log stage. Let me clarify by stating that I have never felt like Kadence is just a bump but no more are the days of cuddling in front of netflix like a bum for hours on end while baby sleeps and I binge watch some non important show (don't tell my shows). Gone are the days of a sleeping baby in a car seat while you are at the grocery store, in a restaurant, or anywhere else for that matter. Gone are the days mindless chew toys and activity mats. I know that my girl has been on the move for awhile now but it truly feels like over Christmas break she has had this huge leap developmentally and she's like a real human in there. She is mocking everything we say. When I am measuring out her bottle in the morning I count the scoops out loud (on another day maybe we should talk about how I now narrate EVERYTHING I do...I would like to say this only happens when Kadence is on my hip but the people at target would tell you otherwise) and now when I say 1 she say one (or what sounds like one) and so forth till we get to 4. She can say Jada, Daddy, Mama, yuck, hey, hi, and a lot of other random words. Daddy is my favorite to hear because she says it all the time. But she also knows just when to say it. The other morning Andy was coming in the garage from work and we had just finished her morning bottle. She was in complete silence and was listening to him come in the garage, put down his bag, and come up the steps before he had said anything and before she could see him she said daddy and started crawling towards the steps.
She also likes to "find my nose", clap, and "give kisses". She has a favorite book (Nugget and Fang) and she knows where to find it and what comes next.
She has started dancing and "singing" along to songs.
She has stated feeding her self, figuring out how to pour things out and how to put them back together.
She has figured out cause and effect.
When trying to show her how a sorting game worked the other morning, she figured out that instead of her doing it...I was much faster. So each time she would take it out and give it back to me so I could do it again, and again, and again.
The other night she had some ointment on her back and Jada was intrigued by the smell so Jada was following Kadence around. Kadence thought this was the funniest thing and soon realized that Jada would "chase" her wherever she went. Kadence then started crawling quickly from the tile to the carpet and back and forth getting Jada to follow her. When Jada stopped, Kadence still kept trying to get her to follow her. When Andy and I picked up on what she was doing, Andy got down on the ground and started chasing her too and that was just as much fun and then Jada got re-interested too.
Needless to say, this brain surgeon or freaking bright child we have on our hands is constantly thinking, learning, and figuring out this world. I have always been fascinated with child growth and development, language development and other things of the sort but watching your own child go through each stage and just watching them figure out the world is one of the most fascinating things I have ever experienced. I am in awe of God and how He is shaping her into a little human, who at 11 months is quite independent. I am in awe of how each day she seems to learn something new, tackle something that she hasn't done before, and I just keep thinking what happened to my baby?
So enough bragging and now for the "What to do now" stage. Here are some helpful tips for my moms out there that will get to this stage and reminders for myself:
1. Do not stay up late pinteresting or netflixing- you will need ALL of your energy and attention ready to go first thing in the AM
2. Start watching the words of you and the people around you (going back to work next week should be a treat...if I have the first 10 month old to say the f-word- I will kill a teenager...you have been warned)
3. Take baby proofing to a whole new level. It's not about gates. It's not about outlet covers...I'm talking tape over the tv buttons (so she can't turn off and on the TV). Chairs that were once chairs are now obstacle courses that you can go over and under. If you have a dog...figure out what the dog can do that the baby can't or shouldn't do. Since Kadence mocks people she also mocks Jada. So, jada can fit through the spindles on our stair case to get up stairs...Kadence...well...not so much- lol. But dang it if she didn't give it her best effort.
4. Sort through toys- sift through the bump on a log toys and toys that will actually keep her engaged. Thanks to Christmas we actually have toys that fit into that category now.
5. Sing and dance with them, get on the floor with them, mock them back...Kadence is always blown away that I know all the songs on pandora (thank God they are not hard...things like itsy bitsy spider and wheels on the bus help). She loves it when we all play in the ball pit, or when we all are cuddled up on the stuffed animals in the living room.
6. She is a sponge, she is taking it all in. Keep narrating, keep filling that head with things that you want her to take in and filtering out the things that you don't. It's so funny now because Andy and I will be watching a show on netflix and be like "Um, yeah this is trash we are turning this off...or sesame street it is" (because even the cartoons these days are awful)
7. Take time to breathe and take it all in. I think every stage I have thought this is my favorite stage and yet the journey continues and I love this stage too. I love this little human, I love that she is so clever, funny, and so full of life and joy! (I also wish that now I was on maternity leave so that I could "sleep when she sleeps" but I'll just have to settle for an early bed time)
8. This may just be a new winter thing (since this is the first winter that she's not a bump on a log and usually I am all about building up the immune system) but I am breaking out the hand sanitizer again and making these filthy animals of the rest of the world disinfect before putting their hands all over my adorable baby...germs people...germs.
9. In our house we have started doing art, fine motor things, and working on gross motor. Not like "school" by any means but I love me some good sensory activities and Kadence seems to enjoy them as well. Things that we can do together (since she is still in the let's put everything in our mouth stage)
10. I'm thinking about breaking out the moby again! Or my makeshift moby. I don't know if she will buy it but there are times when mommy needs her hands free and having her attached to my body would do us both good...well unless she screams bloody murder and then that won't really do any of us any good-lol

Parenting is so much fun and being a mom is a blast...I will take my snot covered shirts, and particles of food I find on me all day (let's be honest most are from Kadence but not all-lol), and the change of clothes I usually need after bath time because my girl loves to splash! I love this season, I love this girl and for my first time mommy's to be (there are so many of them in my life right now) I am so excited to watch you walk through this first year with your babies it is truly amazing!

p.s. what I have learned is that I should not blog after having several doses of caffeine today...sorry not sorry (can I even use that phrase at almost 30?)