This mom in 2014!

2014 is gearing up to be quite an eventful year personally, professionally, and in my family. Not only will I have a 1 year old, a husband that will be working midnights, a work life that could change drastically in the course of a year, turning 30, and friends all over the place popping out new babies...2014 has the potential to be a whirlwind. Every year at this time I spend a lot of time reflecting on the past year and where I am going in the next.  I don't make resolutions per-say as much as I am hyper aware of where I have been and my intentions of where I would like to go. Being a mom this year I find more of my reflecting is more along the lines of the type of mom I want to be. What themes or rhythms do I want Kadence to pick up on as far as what is important in our family life. So I made a list of 10 words that are my "priorities for this year" or words I will meditate on and see how my life crashes in with them. Here's some of my reflecting thus far:

1. God-  I would like to say that serving God, seeking God, and leaning into God is a priority every year. Although I feel that this is true the depth of seeking God is so much more intimate now that I am a mom. Not only do I have my own spiritual walk with Jesus, I now have been charged with teaching a small human about the love of Jesus. So I wrestle with how to make Jesus come alive to a 1year old. Is it possible to convey God's love, mercy, and grace to a 1 year old? Is it possible to make God's word come alive in away that she can comprehend even on the basic levels? Even now in her little life is she figuring out that mommy and daddy love Jesus? Is she picking up that prayer, scripture, and serving others are foundations in our family? Are we living our life in such a way that they are? 

2. Family- Having a husband that works midnights, a mommy that works 9-5 and then some, and a 1 year old not in daycare can lead to some fun challenges when it comes to family time. Just the calendar alone laughs at me when I put our schedules together. Yet in the midst of our calendars, we find time for date nights and family nights in. We find ways to manipulate time out of our day so that our little family unit of 4 (Jada is always apart of our mix) can continue to stay close. 2014 will bring its challenges and satan will try to destroy our intentions. Kadence is not as quiet as she once was which leads to challenges when Andy tries to sleep. We will have to continue to insist on boundaries, ignoring phone calls and texts when needed, and continue to work on our communication but we are determined that our family is and will continue to be a priority in 2014. We will also be praying about when to grow our family again. I also feel that marriage will be a focal point in 2014, ours and others. Ever since getting married I have been passionate about marriages. Not just marriage but beautiful marriages, marriages that thrive, that are fun, and ones that have God at the center of them. I will make this a priority in my own home but I will also be praying for ways that in our church and in our community that marriages can be a priority. 

3. Friendship- I specifically am talking about mommy friends and church friends. I lack at both of them. I am starting to wonder if the problem is with me (I will accept this if true). I need friends at church that actually want to be more than "lobby" friends. I need friends that know the highs and lows in my life and I want to know that in theirs. I want them to ask the hard questions about how my soul is and sit long enough to know when I am giving them the "easy" answer. I want friends I can craft with, drink coffee with, and talk about how God is crashing into our lives together. I want mommy friends that you can go to the park with, celebrate milestones with, and gets excited about all my sensory activities I like to do. I want friends that don't see "Pro Deo Kylie" but can just see me as a girl that struggles to be the woman, wife, and child of God that Jesus has made her on a daily basis. I secretly miss Holly and Rebecca and try not to hold new friends up to that "standard", I am mourning that they are not in my everyday life and any deep friendship I have will need to embrace this. I don't need you to replace them but I need you to know that my heart aches for them to be with me. I also need friends that are persistent, I have for so long not made friendship be a priority that I kind of have forgotten how to be a friend or have friends so please extend grace and don't give up on me. 

4. Health- This is not about weight, working out, or anything of the such. It's more about living a life of balance and one that my own health is important to me. Sometimes when you are so busy taking care of others your own health (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) takes a back burner to the needs of others. Here's to being healthy because it is the right thing to do, because I want to live a long life with my little girl, and because I don't want to crop myself out of every picture that is ever taken of my family (lol) not because there is a cute bathing suit, a fancy vacation, or a wedding that I need to give it my all for. My family is enough...

5. Self-care, healing, discipline, slowness, intentional, and simple...these are all words that go against the way I find myself living my life at times. These words challenge me, humble me, and give me plenty to wrestle with. In 2014 I will continue to wrestle with these words. I will continue to find my path...one that seeks Jesus and being a mom and then lets everything else fall where they may. I know that 2014 has the potential to be the year that when we get to next December we find ourselves saying where did this year go? Today I am vowing to be intentional, seek discipline in all aspects of my life, and embrace the simple pleasures that are my beautiful journey I call my life.

Here's to 2014! 

A different kind of Christmas for me...

I won't bore you with all of my family baggage (mainly because I have already shared most of it ;)) But most people know that I have not been a Christmas girl for a very long time. My first year of marriage where you should be focussing on forming new family traditions with your husband I was busy burying my father after his battle with Cancer. The next year we buried Grandpa, the next 2 were taking care of teenagers in crisis...all leading up to last year where Advent in our life was spent anticipating our child, preparing a home for her, picking out a name for her, and spending lots of time in prayer for her. In all of those years there was grief, fear, anticipation, pain, wrestling with the realities of the world. Even last year when we were so blessed beyond belief, I couldn't help but let the fear seep in. Christmas for so many years has been dark, gloomy, and the fake-est of smiles I could put on.

As tomorrow we are marking the 5 year anniversary of my grandfathers passing, I can't help but notice this Advent is COMPLETELY different. I miss my grandfather like crazy and wish that Kadence would have gotten the opportunity to meet him (in my Childlike concept of heaven and Jesus I am confident they did meet) . But, this year is all smiles for this girl. All smiles, joy, a heart FULL of praise (I seriously sit in worship and I feel like my heart is going to split at the seams because I am so thankful for the storms that we have walked through and the sweet beauty in our life now). For me this year for Advent, I kind of went crazy but honestly it wasn't out of my need to be a "pinterest mom" or "Martha Stewart" on my home and family it was out of a mere child's heart (my own) taking all the joy that I haven't had in 6 years and releasing it all this year. I find myself singing holiday hymns as I go through the aisles at the grocery store, I find myself wanting to buy gifts for people just because, I find myself sitting on the couch with the whole house asleep and I am staring at the lights on the christmas tree in awe of it's beauty.
Being in awe of the Christmas tree is not something new for me but I think it's neat that this year, this new beginning for our family just also happens to be the year that when we went to put our Christmas tree up this year it was not the same one from last year, someone had replaced it. It's also the same year that Andy and I switched out some of our bulbs on our tree not for any significance but just to change it up. But, now as I am sitting here starring at the tree and once again in awe of its beauty I am loving how God is blessing me in the little things. This Christmas we started over, I haven't forgotten my pain or grief, but this year the tree that I had stared at for many years while I cried out to God in pain and sadness is not there. What's there now is another tree, a little fuller, with more sparkle, and a little brighter and I can't help but feel the same way. We got a new tree for our new Advent.

So this year with me changing and healing, I will admit that as much as Kadence is participating in Advent it is more about me than her when it comes to Advent. It is good for ME to slow down during this season. It is good for ME to be generous and take care of others. It is good for ME to make family time special. It is good for ME to be at home more, making a conscious effort everyday to have some sort of family activity and really focusing on engaging with Kadence. I am learning so much about me, my walk with God, me as a mom, and healing through this Advent season.  I know that Kadence is not running into the nursery on Sunday morning telling all the other kids, "Wow, we are celebrating advent this year and last night I got to play in red and green spaghetti... thank goodness because now I have such a better handle on that whole Christmas story" but I do think she is witnessing and taking part in the magic of Christmas, the silliness that has been unleashed just for pure joy of the season, the warmth that is filling our home, and she is building holiday traditions (not that when she is 15will we put her in the tub, pour red and green spaghetti on her, and take pictures- but you get my point-lol).

Heres to letting God heal, believing that the pain is not the END of the journey, that I am not defined by my grief but set free to experience Christmas in a whole new way...through the joy of a child as we enjoy Christmas together this year as a family :)

Grateful for the things I didn't know were missing...

A year ago today, I don't remember what I was doing. I don't remember if Andy had off, I don't remember if I was busy...It was just an ordinary Monday night. I went to bed, just like I will do tonight, not knowing tomorrow my world would be any different. A year ago tomorrow is when I got the phone call about Kadence and got to meet our birth mom for the very first time. A year has passed since that day and I have never experienced as much joy, laughter, and just contentment as I have these past 12 months. As we celebrated our finalization in the court room this past Friday I have been doing some reflecting on this journey, on my life as a mom, and on parenting. If you would have told me a year ago all the things I was missing by not being a mommy, I would have believed you and my heart would have ached to experience those things but the things I was excited about and longed for are in no way the things that I love most these days. So I have made a list, unique to us and our parenting of Miss K in this stage she is in. I titled this list the things I didn't know were missing...
1. The art of wrangling a 9 month old into her sleeper (I really think wrestling a greased pig might be easier)
2. Giving a bath to K and getting just as soaked as she splashed about with glee
3. Doing the dishes and feeling little hands pulling up on your legs because she wants to stand next to you
4. Watching her awe as she discovers new sounds, voices, textures, and effects of things she does
5. how much just seeing herself in the mirror would bring the both of us delight and laughter
6. Sitting under the heated blanket in the morning as we do our morning feed with no one else around or awake and no noise...just mommy and Kadence cuddled up and taking each other in
7. How much excitement a pile of books can bring Miss K, she could sit all day with a pile of books and I love to read to her, listen to Andy read to her (that is truly the best), or listen to her talk as she tries reading them to herself
8. I love how she responds to Abby Cadabby from sesame street and yet she had never seen sesame street before but when Abby comes on TV or she sees something with Abby in a store she instantly starts squealing with delight
9. I love that at night I put Kadence to bed with her bear on the heart beat setting and her G-Pass (her giraffe pacifier) and then when I wake up in the morning she is holding her bear but it is now on the music setting and she is sucking on her G-Pass. Earlier this week I walked in on this but she was rocking her bear, with the music on, while sucking on her G-Pass
10. I love it when she cries, because her tears pierce my heart and I am reminded every time one of her tears fall the depth of my love for her
11. I love her adventure side and that she is always wanting to try something new (and usually a little scary to mommy) and that she has a knack for finding the smallest, tiniest, piece of anything anywhere and pick it up and that makes her feel so accomplished
12. I love to watch her clap
13. I even love the separation anxiety that has kicked in this week...it makes everything take even longer than it already did but cuddling that girl rocks my world
14. Her open mouthed kisses that are just a bit more slobbery than the average persons
15. Watching her and Andy play together and watching her giggle or squeal when he even walks in the door from work
16. Taking care of a sick baby and all the emotions that come with not being able to make her better

I also love how such a tiny little girl can seem like she understands so much of the world that is going on around her. On friday, while we were sitting at the table in the court room Kadence was disinterested in our lawyer and the things he was talking about. She would rather have been beating on the table or attacking some toy I had recovered from the diaper bag. But there were two times (at least) that melted my heart on Friday and made me question what all she was taking in for the day. The first was when the lawyer was asking me my questions...he asked a series of questions and through all of the questions Kadence was just minding her own business and I was answering yes to his questions. Then he asked, Are you here today before the courts desiring to be Kadence's mommy forever? At that moment Kadence stopped what she was doing and looked me right in the eyes and as I looked back at her I replied absolutely as I choked backed my tears. Then at the conclusion of the court the judge is rattling off everything she has to say (which is a lot) and then she says on this date, at this time I officially declare the adoption and then said Kadence's whole name with her new last name official and Kadence's started clapping...it's the little things like this that make my heart ponder how much does that little soul pick up on...if she picked up on nothing or all of it, it's a day for the books!

Sigh...My life is blessed, my family and I have so much to be thankful for this year. We do not take lightly the blessings that God has bestowed upon us this year. This little girl has my heart, my soul, my everything...I knew I wanted to be a mommy, I knew I would love being a mommy...I did not know however that these were the things that were missing from my life and that they would be the things I love most about my day to day life these days.

Happy Thanksgiving from our grateful family of 4! (Andy, Momma Bear, K, and Jada)

Miracle week...

Do you ever have those weeks where you are just like...THAT was ordained by God? This week in the  world of babies God was faithful!

Monday, one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Most babies being born are beautiful but this baby is a miracle! Her mommy, much like me was diagnosed with PCOS. Her mommy, much like me had trouble conceiving but through the help of fertility stuff they were able to conceive two boys earlier in their marriage. My friend still longed for a baby girl but had decided that 2 boys and they were probably done. Soon after making the decision that THEY were done, God was not! She conceived a baby with no doctors, no fertility, and no planning.  She had decided in her head that it was a boy (since history would lead you to believe that). I remember the 4th of july week when she went to have her gender reveal ultrasound and when it came through that it was a girl, I went CRAZY! God had answered the longings of her heart! God had heard the desires of her heart, and created a miracle in such a way that this baby girl would never be able to deny that SHE is indeed a gift from God, a mommy's answered prayers...God showing off with the impossible...and we as his people are left in awe of His timing and his glory!

Flash forward to Wednesday and another set of our dear friends went to the hospital to witness the induction of their first baby being born through adoption. Come Thursday morning, there was beautiful baby boy born into this world. This mommy is very near to my heart because we walked through the pain of infertility, of painful baby showers, of wrestling with God through it all. She is bigger than me, because she was so supportive when we had Kadence...I am pretty sure if it would have been the other way around I would have thrown a two year old's temper tantrum (I pray that would not really have been true, but I think it might have been). They have been on the whirlwind of adoption and although so many things in our story are similar (down to the same lawyers, social workers, etc) there is so much in our story that is different. But I am so grateful for a sisterhood that brings us together, someone else that can walk through the beauty of a private adoption. Someone who knows the emotions of watching someone be in labor on your behalf. Someone who knows the anxiety of the 48hours after birth while you wait in expectance of the paperwork to be filled out. God brings us together and these babies together to watch his beautiful story unfold!

Then today, God brings finalization to our adoption process...it's crazy to think that this time last year I was just finding out that Kadence and that she had been conceived...and today we walk into the court with our families and a couple dear friends and stand before a judge.

I started this blog initially for my own processing. Without intending to the blog turned out to be ministering to others (people starting the adoption process, people who had lost babies, people who just needed to know that God was at work). So, my thoughts for today is that if you are where I was a year ago (a very dark place) and so broken, so burnt out...thinking God has forgotten you, that God is answering every prayer except for yours...if you have given up all hope...I tell you that God is still working...please don't give up on Him! Three mommies all this week experiencing God's gratefulness and goodness and breathing in our sweet miracles after long hard journeys and prayers that seemed like they were hitting the ceiling. I now look back and sometimes chuckle with God and apologizing for how mean and harsh I was to him out of my anger. I tell you now a year later that miracles happen, healing takes place, He answers prayers, and he restores lives and hearts that are broken.

Off to go get ready for court!

Dear Kadence,

I know that you are too little to read this and you may even be too small to really get the significance of this week. You may just walk away this week thinking...wow my mommy sure has hugged me more than usual (and that's a lot) and wow mom and daddy are shedding lots of tears and everyone seems to be crying but happy...and this might confuse you greatly because you have yet figured out the beauty of  shedding tears out of joy, shedding tears because you are overwhelmed by God's greatness and faithfulness. As your mommy I pray that you will get to experience these tears at some point in your journey because these tears are priceless. These tears are healing. These tears teach me as your mommy that God has not forgotten us, that He is still making and creating miracles, that He heard me many a days and nights as I cried out for you because I longed to be your mommy. The tears I shed are tears of exhaustion as this journey has been long and to see the end yet the beginning of a new journey is beautiful, they are tears of a weight being lifted because I have been so scared of what my life would look life if you weren't in it. These tears speak more than I could ever properly articulate. I hope that one day when you are reading this and looking at pictures from this week you can see our overwhelming love for you and how much you being in our life completes us and makes us better as a mommy and daddy and as husband and wife and how your mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus. This journey to you and through the last nine months is not a journey I would trade for the world! This week is everything we have been working towards for the last nine months. See for you, my little sunshine, this week is where daddy and I are switched from being "temporary guardians" to you "official" parents. This is something that in our hearts took place the moment we saw you on the sonogram for the first time, when we heard your heart beat for the first time, and then again in that hospital room when all the lights were off but one and you rested on my chest and I was in too much awe to even produce tears. From that first moment there were no papers that I needed signed that would make me "more" your mom. But for all legal purposes the "system" will now recognize you as our child and us as your parents...so for better or worse you are ours. A lot of people when trying to conceive a child and can't, look at Adoption as the back up plan. But for us adoption was never the back up plan, we had prayed for a child and were confident God was orchestrating that plan. Now, don't get me wrong I think pregnancy is beautiful and your birth mom was gorgeous with you in her belly...but I love OUR story. I love that God brought two families together that love you so much! I love that God knew the exact timing we would get you, when your court date would be, and everything in between. I think it's beautiful that our court date is 9 months from when you were born just like in pregnancy...for 9 months I have gotten to carry you, feed you, care for you, be up at night when you couldn't sleep but I get the rare privilege of knowing your heart and seeing your smile and knowing what my heart does when it is around yours. There is no doubt about it from the moment you were conceived God was lining up our stories for you to be my daughter and me to be your mommy. The amount of joy, purpose, love, awe, and beauty you have brought to the last nine months of my life is indescribable. You are loved more than your nine month brain or heart can comprehend! You are surrounded by a mommy and daddy that would go to the ends of the earth for you. You have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that when you are around their world is a better place. You have teens in your life that you are modeling for them what it means to have a healthy relationship with a parent and what unconditional love looks like. You, just by your smile alone, are bringing joy to their day and some needed just that to make it through their day. You are surrounded by a church community that loves you, stalks you on facebook, and longs for the days that they get the opportunity to serve you, serve with you, and to tell you about Jesus. You have God parents on opposite sides of the world, that don't get to hold you on a daily basis but they are living their life for Jesus and loving you by their prayers for you and for your walk with Jesus. You are loved by a whole community of people here and around the world that pray for you, that know you are an answered prayer and that you have been put in this story for such a time as this. You are loved by your birth family that as much as this week is a journey for us, we would not be where we are today without them. We thank them daily for trusting us with loving you for the rest of your life! So Miss K, this week might be a whirlwind for you but never forget that God is at work, that mommy and daddy love you and we commit to you today (and Friday in front of a judge) that everyday from here until eternity we are committed to being your mommy and daddy and everything that entails! Here's to the many days, weeks, and years of love, encouragement, fun times, hard times, tears, and everything in between that our life will entail!
Loving you forever and ever and then even more, Mommy

He knows better...

Kadence is growing leaps and bounds! She is full of life and fully aware that she can move and do somethings on her own. With this awareness has come a discontentedness when she CAN'T be mobile or when she can't get something to work, move, or operate in a way she thinks it should. She also has decided that going down for a nap is not nearly as exciting as it is to play. I as her mother can see the full day ahead and I see when she needs to rest so that she can play later. I see that she need to eat now so she's not hungry later. I move her from her path to protect her from dangers she can not see constantly while she is on the move. Some of my assistance comes very welcomed by her and she is full of smiles and ready for what I have planned. Other interruptions or assistance I offer her is not welcomed change and she likes to vocalize when this is the case.
This morning I was putting Kadence down for a nap before church and I knew that she was not going to be happy with this decision but knew that if she slept before church she would have more fun playing at church. And sure enough as I put her down the tears came and not even the pacifier could console her outrage that this was the course I had chosen for her and I was not budging. At one point I was thinking if she could only see what I can see. If she could only see that this is really in her best interest, that I am putting her down for a nap to set her up for success and because I know more about how her little body operates and what she needs more than she does...and then I stopped...as much as I was having this discussion in my head about how much easier this nap would be if Kadence would just trust me...it hit me...

I act towards God just the way Kadence acts towards me. I think many times I have my life figured out and what my desires are and the course my life should be on and then anytime God picks me up and changes my course, or slows me down because I need rest, or shows up in the countless other ways that He does...I find myself often responding in the way Kadence does: Happy when I agree with His decision and tears/outrage when I don't.

I was thinking this the other day when I was talking to a friend about her pregnancy journey. I find myself in this time of my life that every person I know (friend, acquaintance, or random stranger at the grocery store) is pregnant. Most of my close friends are pregnant and I truth be told could not be happier. I was texting a friend that we had just received the news they were expecting and she replied Oh, Kylie I have prayed that this would not be painful for you. In response (I know she couldn't tell if it was true-but it very much was) I said I was content in my journey and that God had healed those very deep wounds. Countless days I prayed to God to be pregnant, many tears and outrage over the fact that it wasn't and couldn't happen. There were days when I wanted to throw a temper-tantrum (ones I hear are coming in my walk with Kadence but I have not witnessed yet). There were days when I wanted to tell Him to trust ME I knew what was best for ME! But he was silent and ever so gently moving me around on my journey...growing me, changing me, molding me, loving me and knowing what I needed and when I needed it and how I needed it. He knew my hearts desire was to be a mom and He never desired to NOT give me my hearts desire (something that took me a long time to realize). He never was sitting up on some huge cloud and in the deepest creepiest laugh did He ever say bahahahaha look at that pain you are experiencing because you want this so bad and have no desire to wait on my timing baahahahahah go ahead and cry you little girl! He never was "holding out" on me! But just in HIS right timing, with HIS perfect ways...HE knew what I needed. HE knew when I was ready, when my marriage was ready, when my walk with Him was ready, He knew when the healing had reached a point where I could be an effective and loving mom. He knew all the intricate details that needed to take place and be a part of the story so that at no point in this journey could I ever take pride in knowing that I did this. In no part of my journey can I give myself glory or credit. It ALL goes to Him.

I now on the other side of this journey have much the realization that Kadence will have when we go to grandma's today. He did what He did and I walked through what I did out of Love He had for me. Kadence is napping right now because of my love I have for her and knowing that sleep is what she needs most to have the best day for her she can have. Just like God knew that I needed to walk through the things I did and when I did to be the best mom, wife, and follower of Him I could be.

These things we do are out of love and I don't think I realized how parallel my relationship with Kadence is much life my own relationship with God and I am constantly learning things from both of them that mold me into a better human.

I know that Kadence's journey with a nap verses play time seems a silly comparison to my journey through infertility, pregnancy, and adoption but in each of our lives for that period of our life it was a big deal :)

Feeling blessed to watch God unfolding His plan in my life and I am raking in the blessings as I wait on Him. Feeling blessed to have healing in wounds that I never thought would get healed. Feeling the peace and rest on the other side of the mountain after the long walk up the mountain, the wrestling and temper-tantrums that unfolded and the years and years of unanswered prayers all unfolding in this season of my life, with unimaginable healing, for such a time as this. I breathe in, breathe out and acknowledge in my life, He knows better!

Christmas in October?

If anyone knows me and knows my story they know that I HATE CHRISTMAS! About October my anxiety goes through the roof and I start freaking out about Christmas. The closer it gets the more emotions, paranoia, and crazy I become...

On Dec 23, 2007 a mere 6 months after my dad walked me down the aisle my dad passed away and lost his battle with cancer. I don't like to talk about it much, it's grief and it is hard. This will be year six and although it might seem easier the pain is still very much there, I would do anything in the world to get another Christmas with my dad! Fast forward to the next year and it was about this time of year that my grandfather got sick, was admitted into the hospital, and seven weeks later also passed away. Grandpa passed away on December 9th, 2008. Two years of despair, grief, anger, doubt, questions...I was mad at God and confident that no good would come of Christmas anymore. The next year I sat on pins and needles awaiting for the call that someone I loved was dying. I worried everyday Andy went to work, fearing it would be his last. I was confident God was out to take everyone and everything away from me that I loved. My dad and my grandpa were so important to me and I wasn't sure how to go on. That next Christmas started my "Pro Deo christmas gifts from Jesus" as I fondly call them because for the next three years I was blessed with teenagers that needed homes during the holidays so I got the chance to push my grief under the rug while I took care of people that needed my attention and took the attention away from all the pain of Christmas...but every year it found its way back in and I felt like the plauge of Christmas would never leave. I hated singing Joy to the world, I hated being with family and friends, I hated everything that Christmas was and all the excitement that led up to it. I cried all the weeks of advent for all those years in pain, all that anger, and the feeling that life was not fair...

Then there was last year at Christmas and right before Advent we got that call about Kadence (although we didn't name her till the week of love in advent) and every week I found myself crying through church as we prepared at church to welcome a gift and at home we were doing the exact same thing. I was use to crying in church during Advent, I was not use to experiencing God's healing as advent continued to unfold. While there was the preparation of baby Jesus at church we were working like elves at our home trying to transform our home from a youth center to a loving home for a baby girl...a transformation that was NOT a small undertaking! From the paint and primer to the hopes and dreams of what was to come and all of the paper work, lots and lots of paper work...somewhere between the passages of scripture, the quietness of the christmas lights, the tastiness of christmas treats, and the countless tears that ran down my face through worship, at starbucks, and at any other random place they decided to fall something miraculous happened...Jesus healed my wounds, he healed the pain of Christmas, He healed the fear of the loving others, He healed the anger of people I love being ripped away from me, He took this grinch and turned my heart into a girl that tonight just watched a tv show on netflix that was during Christmas and got goose bumps when there were Christmas Carolers and I smiled. This year I have found myself over looking fall (although it has been really fun too) and focused on Advent which starts a week after court finalization in our home. I know Kadence is too little for most of the activities that we will do and won't remember most of or even all of what we do but this year we celebrate Christmas out of healing, out of celebrating where we have come from...not running from the pain or grief but embracing they journey that led us to celebration. We embrace that Jesus was not finished with our story...He loved me enough to sit with me in my pain, take all of my anger and love me still. He loved me enough to send me a gift, of a child at the perfect time, in a perfect season and he would use that little girl to bless me and bless my family. He would use that little girl to heal some very deep wounds, to answer some of my biggest doubts, and to show off how intricate and lavish his plans were for me and my family.

This year I find myself in October wanting to start making crafts for December. I find myself wanting to tell Kadence all about Christmas and the things that she will get to experience. I find myself telling her about the love that her grandpa and great grandpa had for her before even knowing her. I find myself telling her about this amazing God that we have, that knows me and knows my story and knows her and knows her story and knew that we needed each other for such a time as this. I find myself breathing as October is in full swing...not with anxiety...but with a breath of fresh crisp air...God is a healing God and He is not done.

It would have been easy to give up on God when I was in the midst of my grief, anger, and bitterness...it would have been easy to walk away and not look back. It would have been easy to turn to alcohol, drugs, or whatever coping mechanism I could find...but I didn't...I kept pushing forward- seeking Him and being honest with my emotions (as fun as that was) and my struggle and somewhere between that very VERY dark place and the excitement I am living in this year I have found God's goodness. I have found the truth in the Ephesians verse about God doing more than we could ask or imagine and completing the good work He has started in me. I in no way, shape, or form think that God is done with me and my journey with Christmas...I am just grateful that on October 7th of 2013 I can be thankful, embrace God's grace, love and look forward to the month of December.

Which phone call was I waiting for?

It happened, that phone call I have been waiting for this past year came...there have been several phone calls or text messages I have waited to hear this past year and each time I am like, "Oh, that's the one I was waiting for"

It started with a text message on October 16th of 2012: "Hey, I don't know if this is to personal or not but where are you and Andy at on trying to conceive?" to then the text message of "I have a young woman who is pregnant and has a healthy baby girl due in February, can I give her your contact info?"

Fast forward to November 27th of 2012 and the text message came: "Do you have time to come and see me?" Which then proceeded to me coming to walk in the front door of an office, walking down a long hallway and into a beautiful room where a young girl sat and looked up at me and asked if we would consider adopting her baby girl...the raw emotion that I buried deep down that day so I would not look like a fool blubbering like a big ole baby for fear of scaring this young woman with my emotions and longing for this sweet child. Then the phone calls, tears, and emotion as I called my family trying to make something feel for real...

Over the next 12 weeks there was several phone calls and text messages that meant a lot to me, meant that we got to see the sonogram, get to know our new extended family, and continue the journey of checking in on this young woman that was now my new favorite person to get text messages or phone calls from.

Fast forward to February 24th of 2013 and the text message came: "Mommy I think Kadence wants to meet you today" to the phone calls, text messages, and facebook messages to spread the good news. There was emotion there too but the surreal-ness of the whole thing made for the emotions everywhere

then on February 28th: the call of court, text messages with the social worker...Temporary Custody was ours and there was emotion...

This whole time I have been trying to control my feeling, controlling my excitement and balancing it with fear. I have been loving with my whole heart but balancing it with what if's. I have been living in raw emotion but burying it deep within for the just in case...Andy and I kept saying that it just hasn't sunk in...it's something that we can't process or explain

Fast forward to yesterday September 26, 2013 and getting a call from our lawyer: "Kylie, do you have a minute? I have a few things I want to run by you. Are you free November 22nd? (I am not sure what my response was supposed to be- I am pretty sure EVEN if I had something planned I would cancel so that I could go to court) Okay that is the first available date we can get you in for finalization. " I jotted it down on a random piece of paper and was trying to get Andy's attention as he headed out the door and showed him my scrap of paper and was trying to make some motion like this is our court date- lol. It seemed logical at the time. I get off of the phone, Andy is gone, and Kadence is waking from a nap and I go and pick her up and I lost it-like ugly cry lost it...there was such a release, everything I had bottled up for almost a year seeping out. Kadence was looking at me very confused and I picked her up and told her do you know that I get to be your forever mommy? You don't even know what this means for me or you? Temporary no more my friend, yep no more temporary custody...you're mine. And she looked at me with her two tooth grin and spastically moved her hands with a "haaaaa-ahhhhh" and I knew she approved. I scooped her up in my arms and snuggled her close...and felt a breath that was deeper than I have breathed these last 7 months. A breath of freedom as I start to see the light...at the end of this journey...the part of the journey where we stop focusing on the journey of adoption and focus on the journey of being a parent...

THIS was the phone call I was waiting for...all of the other ones added up to make this one extra special. Almost a year in the making from hearing that Kadence even existed to this phone call...to know that she gets to be ours forever!

I am a VERY happy mommy, a VERY emotional mommy, and a VERY blessed mommy!

A Praying Mom...

I should be sitting in church this morning but I am not, I am sitting in a coffee shop listening to worship music, journaling, and praying...not just praying, but fervently praying...the kind of praying where you lay your heart out, your emotions deep, and everything in you yearns to be heard...it's a crying out kind of praying...it's a desperation prayer...it's passionate...

This week at work has been one of the most draining not just in hours, but emotionally. There has been more drama than I can stay on top of, there have been more "problems" in kids lives, the poverty, the dysfunction, the drugs, the sex, the addictions, the parents that don't care, the parents that have a false view of their children, the brokenness...it's almost too much for this heart to bare...I battle with worldly emotions of anger, sleepiness, and just wanting someone to blame...I want to blame the parents, I want to blame the schools, I want to blame our community, I want to blame media, our culture...and the tears come and I find myself weeping in our brokenness and knowing that those are not the answers.

I am reading a book called The Passionate Mom and in one section of her book she talks about how the passionate mom is full of passion (which leads a mom to action) and prayer for her child. I can't help but as I read this book I am constantly using it in ministry too (not just in parenting). I find myself as a momma bear finding that passion and the prayer for my children, your children, our children as a community, and God's children...

I think since having a baby girl I have become even more passionate about girls and the things they endure on a daily basis. It brings great fear to think of what one day Kadence will have to endure (I'm sure she'll be fine since she will never leave the house ;)) It doesn't help that in this season of my work life I have been blessed with some dynamite young women!

This morning there are a few girls on my heart that I can't shake the need to cry on their behalf. There are a few girls that the mere utter of their name brings my heart to a heaping mess! They might not be my biological daughters or my adopted daughters but my heart knows no difference. My heart loves them, is passionate about them, and prays for them in the way I feel a mother should. If I could tell them anything and have it not go unheard and have it resonate in their hearts forever this is what I would say...

You are Beautiful: Not in the worlds sense of beauty but in the deepest since of beauty. You are loyal, compassionate, energetic, and full of life. I see you and your smiles radiate my soul. You give me hope! Your beauty is in your kindness and your love for others. You are broken but your heart is still pure. The world has been cruel to you but you are still beautiful to your core both inside and out. I wish that you could see your beauty and love yourself the way I find myself loving you.

I'm sorry: I'm sorry for parts of your journey that seem so painful that I don't know how to comfort you through them. Seeing your pain makes me weep. Seeing your tears and how the world has hurt you, hurts me. I wish there was a hug big enough to take this pain away. I know that you need more, I know you need the love of a compassionate God to hold you and wipe your tears and that Kylie's hugs and coffee dates are just not enough to heal the wounds that are so deep and so wide. I'm sorry for the addictions you suffer from. I'm sorry boys have hurt you to the depth that they have. I'm sorry girls are cruel and you can't find true friends. I am sorry you have parents that are selfish or are wrapped up in their own addictions or relationships and you feel like they can't see you. I'm sorry for the pain you endure and the hatred you have of yourself. I am sorry for the shame you carry around because of the choices you have made. I am sorry you are scared, that you feel stuck, and that you have been hurt by this crazy world...I wish I could show you the power of forgiveness. I wish I could show you the depth of God's love to heal the wounds, to take away the shame, and to heal the most destructive relationships and addictions in your life.

You are loved: I love you, I can't deny it...my love for you is real, deep, and passionate. For whatever reason you have been put in my life and I love you the way a mother should love a child. Your stories pain me and I wish that I could just make the pain go away. I, in the wise old woman way, passionately believe that God is pulling you close to Him. There are a few of you that know that full well and are running confidently in the other direction and that's okay. He is even more passionate about you than I am and he is more patient too (although that doesn't take much-lol). My love, and even more so God's love, for you is so hard for you to grasp because our society has thrown the word love around so foolishly that you have a warped since of what love is when I tell you that I love you and when I tell you that God loves you it means something different than when that boy who told you he loved you and then the next day slept with your best friend...that was and will never be love. We don't love you in the way you love your favorite television show or your favorite food. They are not words that I throw around lightly. They are words that keep me up at all hours of the night praying for you. They are words that when you walk through the front door after school and I can't wait to hear everything that happened to you during your day. They are words that make your tears my tears, and your laughter my laughter. These words make me fight for you, even when you have stopped fighting for yourself. These words compel me to show up and be there for the long haul...not for just this week but for the weeks and years to come. These words lead me to not give up on you, even when you have given up on you. These words mean something...you may not know it today but I pray that one day that you will know the truth that you are loved.

These girls make me excited and scared for what it will be like to have a teenage daughter...If I am this torn up about the girls in my life today I can not even fathom the depth of my prayers, tears, and love for Kadence as she continues to grow. I am blessed to be a praying momma. I would not trade these tears or the sleepless night for any of my "daughters".

God is working in a mighty way...will you join me in praying for our daughters in our community...

Priorities LOST...or changed?

Somewhere (probably on imom) I read and article about priorities and how a woman's priorities should be * God and Family * Attitude and Homemaking *Menu Planning *Goals/Direction *Friends/Family *Hobbies/Me time. At first I wrestled with this a lot seeing that most of my life didn't fall into ANY of those categories. Then I started realizing that for most of my marriage if not all of my marriage these have not been my priorities (although I earnestly try for God and Family to stay a priority). I then started to get convicted about when did serving Jesus (my line of work) become my job? I can justify the hours and energy that it takes to put forth and create an organization because it's all serving Jesus but somewhere along the way it became my identity. Somewhere along the way I lost "Kylie" and I became "Pro Deo". It became everything I would eat, breathe, and sleep...and for YEARS (now). I wrestled with bouts of burn out, loneliness, anger, extreme satisfaction, bliss, etc. Enter into this equation a beautiful baby girl in February and everything I knew about my identity, priorities, and my life as a "Community Leader" changed. It has been the most humbling journey and one that I am still adapting to.

Kadence has forced us to spend more time at home, more time with our families, more time as Husband/Wife, she has restored my need for community (something I had pretty much given up on), and has changed my goals and direction for my life. I don't think I have figured out who "Kylie" is but I have learned how to not bring my work home with me (or at least I am getting better at it-lol), how to let phone calls go unanswered and e-mails not responded to the moment they come in. A lot of it is letting go of the control, not letting my work be my "god" and my identity. Not having to please the people on the other end of the phone or the e-mail. I have weeded out the countless meetings and have really worked at focusing on what's most important, of most value...and instead of being everywhere and at everything I find balance in being at a select few things. There is a pressure there as a start up non-profit to be everything to everyone and to be everywhere- to prove the need, to find the support, the volunteers, etc...I found myself talking to executive directors burning out because of this same mentality. I advocated for them and for their families and telling them they had to find balance (it was easier to say without a child). So here I am advocating that same thing for my family. Trying to find my identity in Jesus, my priorities, and my balance.

I can tell you that Kadence's mere existence makes me a better follower of Jesus, she enhances my prayer life, and having her in my life ignites my passion for the teen girls in my life. The girls speak and I find my heart breaking for them and for Kadence...and for the world she will/is growing up in. My heart breaks for the lack of true friends, the lack of gentlemen to treat them with respect, the lack of Jesus in the schools, and the amount of disfunction they are immersed in daily and we call that "growing up".

I can tell you that raising a daughter has heightened my awareness of my own identity. Answering the questions of who do I want to be? What do I want her to learn about my daily routine, the things or activities that I make a priority? How will she learn to be a woman of virtue? How will she perceive my love and relationship with Jesus, my heart for others, and my love for being her mommy?

All of a sudden somewhere between last school year and this school year my identity has switched, my priorities have switched...it is no longer about running yourself into the ground for the sake of a cause or an organization. It is more about loving Jesus, serving his people, and living the kind of life that Kadence can see Jesus in from the time she is itty bitty and as she continues to grow. That she would grow to have a healthy self-image, a healthy love for Jesus and her community. All of a sudden the pace that we are running this race has drastically slowed down...but it's a good slow...an intentional slow...slow enough to learn in, reflect in, and take intentional steps forward. My priorities may not be all in place and I may never master the art of homemaking or menu planning but I will always love Jesus and will do my best taking every step with the intention of how am I teaching my daughter to love her King, herself, and others...

Oh, this mommy business is changing me from the inside out...and for the better...eternally grateful!

P.s. for those following the adoption process we still have not received a court date. Hoping for one before the holidays! Can't wait to be Kadence's forever mommy! Please keep praying for us!

The how to's: Kylie's Guide to adoption

I am just one person, one story, one experience...I do not claim to know all of the ins and outs of adoption. We did private adoption (we did not go through an agency) and so what I know is private adoption...but for the countless e-mails that I get about the how to's here it goes-

When we decided to seek adoption- I knew from the time I was in 8th grade that I had PCOS, I knew that having a family was going to be difficult but didn't really spend a lot of time on the issue (except when I would throw myself a pitty party). I meet Andy. Andy thinks adoption is cool and so do I. We get married in 2007. We went off birth control in Dec of 2007. In July of 2010 I did 3 rounds of chlomid. (Break- Kylie's thoughts on fertility treatments: They are expensive. Insurance usually does not cover. Decide before you go into it how far you want to go and use that as your stopping ground. I have seen countless marriages have ugly patches because of fertility treatments and everyone not being on the same page.) We had decided that Chlomid was as far as we were going (this is very minimal in comparison to all the fertility treatments you can do). We decided that if chlomid didn't work we were ready to try adoption. We knew there were babies out there that needed adopted regardless of the ability of my ovaries to work or fail :) In fall of 2011 Andy and I were spending time with Jesus apart from each other and I had stumbled upon a photo listing of kids that were waiting to be adopted. I then started sending names of kids to andy that I thought we "needed" and then before I knew it he had found the site I was on and we were texting back and forth our picks for kids. I joked around how I was kidding, Andy knows me too well and knew that I was not. Thus we started the adoption conversation.
The research- I am like the queen of research! I researched enough to teach myself how to run a non-profit, so I was confident I could research enough to do adoption. I googled my life away on adoption and probably if Andy knew how much time I spent on the issue he would have banned my research. I looked up laws, researched agencies, met with adoptive moms, read adoption blogs...you name it, I did it. After calling around different agencies we decided to go with Catholic Charities in about may of 2012 (for no other reason than it was the cheapest and we thought they might have lots of babies) We submitted our application only to not hear anything back. We then found out that we were on a waiting list to be on a waiting list. That the "real waiting list" the one they show their birth moms only had 15 people on it at any given time and so we were not even a possibility to birth moms until someone moved off the "real one" and then it was a matter of if we got picked. (they try to give a variety to their birth moms of young/old, kids/no kids, etc) Ironically as the story would go February 1st, 2013 (23 days before our Kadence was born) we got moved up to the "real" list.

The wait- With adoption the hardest part is the waiting, waiting for "the call", waiting for court, waiting, waiting, waiting...This is where I am a huge fan of spending time with Jesus and where a good chunk of my journaling came to be.

The Call- It was October 16,2012 I had not heard ANYTHING about adoption stuff in months, I was bitter, angry, suffering, and alone. I was prepping to have kids afterschool and long story short I had 3 conversations that day of "potential babies". One was from someone my mother-in-law knew, one was a teen girl that had just found out she was pregnant, and then the other was a woman in town that knew of Andy and I through church and had a young woman she knew that was having a baby girl in Feb. All three call in one day, I didn't know if any of them would pan out but my hope in adoption was re-lit. It was then that I went back to the research mode of figuring out how to do a private adoption (when the birth mom finds you or picks you and you are not placed through an agency). We found Christian Family Services and our Social worker Nikki (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND BOTH). Basically their advice was to wait until I knew more and to call them to start the home study when we were ready. Waiting was fine with me, we were getting ready for our fall fundraiser at work, I had a teen that I was very vested in that was about to give birth, and Pro Deo was moving out of my home...so I had plenty to think about. My teen gave birth on the 14th and I was fine with not having a baby at that time because I knew that I was going to be very hands on in this situation, something I was ready and excited to do.  That friday when the girl got released from the hospital she made a decision that rocked me to my core, she decided to go be with her family (a great choice) it just blindsided me and left me all alone and I was crushed. I spent some time pulling myself together and dealing with the heartache. One week passed and I got a call to go stop by and see a woman from our church. That is not un-natural or out of the ordinary. She had done some work with Pro Deo and so I didn't think anything about it and went. When I walked in there sat a girl, a girl that now has my heart for life! This girl opened her mouth, I don't even remember all that was said but I felt like she completed me. She uttered words that she wanted Andy and I to adopt her baby girl (due in 12 weeks). I cried, called my family, they cried, called more people, we cried, I kept crying. I pulled myself together to make it through our event that night and later that week we met her family.

Meeting of the Birth Mom- Our birth mom was/is very mature and has a good head on her shoulders and has an amazing family. Our initial questions and answers we all exchanged consisted of favorite ice cream flavors (since we were at custards), our family stories, how we saw our life going from here on out and other general get to know you questions. Our relationship with our birth family was about every two weeks or so until it got closer. We connected via e-mail and in person. It was very laid back. As it got closer to Kadence's birth and when birth mom was on homebound we started hanging out more just the two of us, something that will forever be very special to me. When it got really close to her due date we did lots of walking trying to walk Kadence out :)

The Legal stuff- So much of what you do with adoption doesn't start until the baby is here. Once the baby is born you call the lawyers and social workers and then they start the count down and take care of everything from there. Before the baby gets here you do the home study (i.e. lots of paperwork and cool hang out times with your social worker). You also hire an attorney for the birth mom and also a social worker for her. (Your lawyer will walk you through all of this and makes it very painless)

The day of birth- I feel like I cover this pretty well in my blog post titled Dreams Really Do Come True

Kylie's Tips- Our birth mom did an awesome job of advocating for us at the hospital which made me feel really apart of the process. 1st she gave me one of the id bracelets (that meant that Kadence was either with me or her). She advocated for Kadnece and I to do skin to skin contact which meant that Andy and I got very special time with Kadence right after she was born. The whole time we were at the hospital I felt like our birth mom was keeping us a part of the day which then made the doctors, nurses, and everyone else keep us in the loop too. We had a beautiful time at the hospital and felt very included. So my tip would be to get an amazing birth mom and have her advocate for you :)

After Court- You go to the hospital, show them your temporary custody papers, and they load you up a baby :)

Financial Stuff- This is the question that I get asked the most and as we all know...Adoption is expensive! There is no way around it. But please don't let that frustrate you. For us it will be about 10,000 all said and done. You don't have to pay it all in one lump sum which helps and there is a tax credit that you can get after the adoption is final that will help too. There are also places that do loans, grants, etc to help with payment. Private adoption seems to be cheaper than going through an agency, but that is our experience. If birth mom does not have insurance get her on medicaid and if your birth mom has private insurance check with your insurance about how and when child can be added to your policy.

That's all I know thus far, I hope that helps those considering adoption or struggling with infertility. Adoption truly is a walk of faith in the deepest way I know. God is working all over this world making families. Whether you go through an agency, the state, or a private adoption...if you do domestic or international God is there. Adoption is a wait that feels like will last an eternity but then when it comes down to it from the call to day of birth it was 12 weeks and most mommies have 9 months to prepare.

Come Feb 24th (We want Kadence to be at least one) of this year we will probably submit our paperwork to have another child join our family and see what God has in store for us and our future as a family. In my opinion I think our plan should be to always be in the wrestle of adoption or in the process of it. It is an intimate journey for our marriage, for our walk with God, and pulls us closer to friends and family. Adoption is BEAUTIFUL! I secretly hope that all of our birth moms and birth families are as amazing as Kadence's but we count our blessings for what we have been give thus far.

Till next time-

To blog or not to blog...is it even a question?

I know I have been a little distant on my blogging, I have figured out the root of my problem is fear! I know you are probably thinking- really almost 6 months in and you are STILL battling fear? I know I thought I would be past that now too. But, I have had so many people reach out to me asking me about the adoption process that I thought I would blog on, embrace the fear, and take this journey one step at a time-

So why the fear and why now? Well, in the good ole state of Missouri (and probably a lot of other states too) once you decide to adopt, you actually get temporary custody for 6 months- I know crazy to think that Andy and I are just Kadence's "Temporary Guardians". I know that I am her mom and that Andy is her dad and Kadence very much knows that too but to the pesky little courts we are just "Temporary". The word temporary freaks me out and the closer we get to our six month mark the more in fear I live...to know that one person, one family, one judge could take all this away gives me nightmares. To think that we might not get to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas together...that there might be a void bigger than any void I have ever experienced in my life coming my way. Then I think about work, being a wife, loving others and I find myself begging God (something I am sure he is a huge fan of) to please let everything with court go well, that I am confident I will not be able to function if things were to not go in our favor at court. I am confident I could not function as a wife, as a business woman, or as any other hat I need to wear if things go poorly. I find myself looking at the calendar and then counting down the days- 6 months plus 45 days till court after that and find myself questioning if I should put myself on vacation that week...If I am this much of a wreck right now how will I be then? So here's why I haven't been blogging...If you are reading this you probably think I sound like a crazy woman at this point. How can one human obsess over one day for so long...ESPECIALLY when that girl is a Christian and knows all of these things in her head about not worrying about tomorrow or about how God is working for the good not harm of those who love him and yet my heart is terrified. My emotions are raw, my heart is invested, and I am scared.

So from the practicality side these are the downfalls of adoption...I wish that I was sitting here right now and could tell you that the only thing I was thinking about was how much Kadence is growing, how she loves story time with her daddy, how she likes to help me cook, eat baby food, play with Jada, and explore this new world. I wish I could tell you about all the ways I have grown as a mom and as a wife over the last 5 1/2 months. But instead I am taking off my mask, showing you behind the smile lives a very scared mommy who is clinging to my beautiful daughter begging God to let me be her forever mommy. I did not know you could love to this depth, or hurt to this depth, or fear to this depth...my emotions are real.

I think on the positive side one thing that I have learned through this whole thing is how to not take a single day/night for granted. Every snuggle, every moment that we are together I find myself taking it all in- knowing that worst case scenario is that God has entrusted to me a tiny human for 5 1/2 months and I will love her with everything in me till the day that I die regardless of what the courts say and that for these 6 months she has and will continue to have the best life a little human could have with tons and tons of love...

So practically speaking what has to take place so that we can be Kadence's forever family?
At 6 months our lawyer will try and track down birth dad (the only person who has not signed rights away)
If they are able to sign papers and if he is willing to sign- he will sign and we will set court date
If they are unable to find him they will file an abandonment clause (or whatever it's technical term is) and we will get our court date for finalization 45 days later
If they are able to sign him and he DOES NOT sign them or wants to fight it- then we have a problem
The hard part is I wish there was a way to tell him, you know if you want to be in Kadence's life we don't have a problem with her knowing you. But with him just getting "served" papers that seems so cold and so abrasive...and he will have no way of knowing how much we love her...maybe the courts would let me make him a care package that could articulate all of that- lol

Ugh...brain on overload...taking a break to go spend time with Jesus...arguably what I should have done prior to this post...feeling human-
Till next time, please be praying for us!

Figuring it all out...

So it's been awhile since I posted...June was a crazy month physically, mentally, and emotionally both at work and in my personal life. I have had a lot on my plate this last month and it has showed signs of wear and tear for all those involved...

But I felt like I wanted to write and it wouldn't all fit into a facebook post and so blogging it is...

So, at this part of my journey into motherhood I am learning empathy, empathy for moms...mom's that I judged, friends that I judged, people I swore I would never be like, people I couldn't relate to...I am now realizing my error in having it "all figured out".

I remember going through this same phase when I got married. I had all of these expectations or thoughts in my head about how certain things would go like work, church, friends, date nights, daily tasks, family time, etc. I got frustrated when I would see new married people doing things the "wrong way". I knew that I was better off because I knew how to be a wife the "right way". I learned quickly that some of my "expectations" were not going to be met nor would I be able to keep up with most of the things I thought I was going to do as a wife (i.e. make breakfast daily for my husband and have a spotless house) some of them were so outlandish (lol- probably not the ones listed above...but maybe) that not even Nicolas Sparks could keep up. Andy and I over the last 6 years have worked through all of that and probably will continue when/if my little perceptions of married life rear their ugly head. Through all of this what you end up with is a refined marriage that was/is way better than I could have put together in my fantasies or that Nicolas Sparks could have written about. So I find myself when others are getting married to lend a helpful hand and give them the good ole "If I would have known then what I know now" speech...the same speech I give multiple teenagers on any given week, well same title not the same content-lol

So here I am six years later with a baby girl and finding out the same is true of motherhood. I think I secretly thought in motherhood there were more hours in a day let alone all of my other perceptions. I am learning that I am in no way, shape, or form good at getting everything done in a day that I need to. I am learning that I need a full 8 hours of sleep to be functioning. I am learning that a once vain girl is finding it really hard to find the energy to do my hair or put on make-up (things that used to be non-negotiable).  I am also learning that I, who am naturally an extrovert, really really really craves being a homebody. I love more than anything NOT being around people but to just sit and cuddle with Kadence. I know I should probably want to have friends or do things in my free time but at the same time that seems like a lot of work and I don't really have the energy for that either. So, I find myself sitting at home, curled up with my little family and soaking in my perfect little life. I used to think it was narrow minded when I had friends that had babies and they dropped off the face of the earth, they were real hard to get ahold of, and they never could do anything, or they would become really cliquey with other moms of babies. I vowed that I would not be that friend and yet here I am. I crave being with Kadence by myself (or with Andy and Jada) more than any single thing in my life currently. Or I find myself wanting to be with other moms so I can just watch our babies interact. So, I have in-turn done the same things to my friends. I also am finding I have more empathy for the moms with screaming babies at Walmart in the middle of the night (because we all know we don't take screaming babies to target), screaming babies at restaurants, mom's that "let themselves go", and making other detrimental "mom mistakes". I think I had this realization that my empathy level had sky rocketed when I was talking to another mom and we were talking about a baby that had died in a car because he/she had been left in there without the parent knowing. We were talking about how prior to having an infant those parents would have been labeled "horrible" or "what were they thinking" or "how could you ever" and now that we ourselves are parents of little ones our reaction was more like "I wonder how exhausted they were" "Was he/she colicky" "I can't even fathom having to live with that the rest of your life" all of a sudden something so tragic, which is still tragic is more of not "how dare them" but "oh, how terribly sorry I am." I find myself realizing my empathy radar going up all over the place for moms, for working moms, for police moms, for single moms, for moms whose husbands work nights, for moms that try and fail, for moms all over the world that are figuring it out just like me.

There is nothing sweeter in the whole world to me than my little family. I am exhausted but only because I play hard during the day, and I live life to the fullest with my little girl and out little family. I have prayed for many many years for the life that I am living currently so I will do the only thing I know how to do and lean into my loving father. He knows that my intentions are pure. He knows that I am doing my best. He knows that I am learning day by day. He knows that Kadence is my world, that she is the sunshine on my cloudy day and He has showered me in grace and love.

So here I am learning the life lesson on judging others and what it means to empathize with people who are just like me on this journey.

On a side note- it has been a huge blessing to be able to meet with, talk on the phone with, or e-mail people that our struggling with infertility, PCOS, and starting the adoption process that have reached out to me. I had no idea when starting this blog that God was going to use my transparency to minister to others and that they then would not have to walk through the trenches and the unknown by themselves. This has been a true blessing through all of this and something I enjoy with my whole heart!

See why this wouldn't all fit in a facebook status- lol

They grow up so fast!

I was thinking about how I haven't posted lately and that I am not sure when I would have posted but felt like it was something that needed to happen tonight.

Kadence is officially 15 weeks old and every day she impresses me with how she is growing! She is one smart cookie :)

Although Kadence is still on the petite side fitting in some newborn clothes still and up to 3-6 month clothing depending on the brand and style of clothing. She is growing leaps and bounds and is so dang smart. Since my last writing she has successfully moved from her tummy to her back (multiple times- unless she is watching tv) and her back to her tummy (only a handful of times- mostly still getting stuck on her arms as she rolls over). She successfully sleeps in her crib 12 hours at night (her preference is to sleep on her side and sometimes she successfully turns in a complete circle from the time I put her down till the time of her waking), is downing about 7 oz, and is loving the invention of her hand! She still loves being swaddled at night, going on stroller walks, and laughing at her pink pinwheel we got from the target $1 bins. She has recently discovered her voice and how to make it loud and soft on purpose and how to have in-depth conversations with her pet giraffe. She has experienced her first play date, her first royals game, her first sleepover at my parents house! She is a girl that LOVES people (when the Parents as Teacher lady comes over and brings toys, she could care less about the toys and would rather the lady talk to her)! The only time Kadence is fussy is when she is wet or hungry. The only time she cries what we have named the tired cry is when the child needs a nap- the tired cry is horrible! Luckily I can usually catch her before she gets there and that makes everyone's life easier. This baby girl likes her sleep and it doesn't matter how cool you are or how much you want to play...when she wants to sleep, she sleeps :) Other than that Kadence is a VERY laid back baby girl- she loves doing pretty much anything and is happy shopping, or at the park, or just playing on the floor.   Andy and I find ourselves laughing with her and at her more and more every day! She has such a fun personality and a smile that can light up a whole room...

I remember when our social worker came and did our first "post-placement" visit and she was like, "So, tell me about Kadence and her personality." I remember Andy and I laughing after she left and being like...well, she poops, pees, sleeps, and cries :) We were in love with her, knew she was special, but felt like the things we could "pick out" about her personality were similar to most babies her age. It's crazy to think at the end of this month our social worker will be out for her second post placement visit and how much our life has changed since then.

Andy and I are leaps and bounds more in love with her than on the night we met her for the first time (I didn't think that was possible)! Kadence officially has Andy wrapped around her finger...it's so cute! Watching Andy be a dad is seriously one of my most treasured parts of my day.

Kadence has recently discovered the TV...I honestly wish it never would have happened! I noticed it the first time while I was feeding her and I was watching the bachelorette on the ipad (don't judge me)...the ipad was behind Kadence propped up on a pillow so only I could see it...the whole time I was trying to feed her she kept arching her back and trying to fling her head back to see the ipad- I let her figure it out and then she just stared mesmerized by it. Then we were downstairs a few days later watching myth busters and Kadence was doing tummy time. We moved her so she was facing us instead of the tv and she started crying. We turned her back around thinking surely not...and that was indeed was she was fussing about. Since we have noticed her fascination with the colors and sounds of the tv, I have tried making better choices with my netflix so today we watched some colorful sea animals parade around on the TV.

Kadence has discovered herself in the mirror (a sight that always makes her smile), her hands and her feet, Jada (someone that also makes her smile), and trees- Oh, my word this child likes to be outside! Andy has put a hammock in our backyard and whenever I can't find Kadence and Andy that's where they are! They could sit out there for hours and sometimes do. The other night they were out there and we had the christmas lights (this time of year we call them ambiance lights) on the deck and Kadence was coo-ing, Andy was talking to her, and I like a creeper was sitting on the deck just breathing in God's goodness.

I could go on and on and on about all the other amazing things that Kadence can do, or what she notices, or how God blesses us through her on any given day but I think that I will stop there and tell you that I am in love! Each day this roller coaster gets faster but each day I love it more and more! I think Andy and I have found our niche in life!

P.s. for those concerned I have recently started doing crock-pot meals AND grocery shopping so we are having warm meals and actually have fruits and veggies in our house again! I have found a rhythm with work that doesn't make me feel utterly overwhelmed and yet I am still productive. I am managing to get in quiet time with Jesus and spend time in His word and praying in color...the last thing to reel in is the pesky housework...:)

Thanks for following us in this amazing God Journey!

Cherishing the little things...

This morning I walked out of the shower and I could hear giggling coming from down stairs...I peaked around the corner and saw Andy, Jada, and Kadence all piled on to our ottoman. Andy and Kadence where mesmerized by each other and were lost in a conversation of giggles and coos. Jada would break in for kisses here and there and immediately I was filled with love! This is what I have dreamed about since the day I was a little girl...this was better than any make believe house I had played out when I was a little girl. The amount of joy that was in our house over something so small as looking in a mirror and cooing at each other was surreal.

I went in and continued to get ready and tears welled up in my eyes and I immediately felt God's grace pouring over me. Who am I that I would get blessed with this husband who is tender, generous, loving and passionate. God chose a man for me that everyday in living out his life I would be reminded of God's love for me. I love not being able to find my husband and then hear something outside and there he is sitting at the table reading his Bible, or smaller things like when the baby has a wet diaper and as I am getting up he offers to change her so I don't have to do it. It is his constant devotion to our family that blows me away. I am confident that it is God's grace that makes this all possible because Andy and I without Jesus is not a pretty sight, but what Jesus brings to our marriage...what Jesus brings to Andy as a dad and to him as a husband can not be learned by any parenting book or any other conventional learning means. What we have in our family is ONLY by the grace of God, Andy and I cannot take credit for any of it.

I am all too aware that we are the minority in our society in the fact that we have a thriving marriage and family unit. My heart is heavy in longing for others to find what we have found. I long for others to know the beauty of sacrificial love. I long for children to be raised to know that they have parents that love each other and are committed to parent them and their primary role is NOT to be their child's friend. I will cherish the love that Andy and I have found, count our blessings, and lean into raising Kadence to know God's love too...so that she too can experience the beauty of this kind of love from her future husband. (When she is like 55 of course...till then she won't be dating-lol)

Till next time-

The fear in LOVE...

Have you ever loved someone? Do you know the vulnerability that comes with TRUE love? I have known love in loving my husband, my family, and some very close friends...I never knew love with a child...with my child.

People always told me that in marriage my love for my husband would grow over time. I knew that to be true but was kind of fearful for Andy because I was crazy in love with him when we got married. But, here we are, 6 years later and my love for Andy is deeper and richer than it ever possibly could have been on our wedding day. I look forward to watching our love continue to grow as we go through life together.

Then bring in Kadence,another love that people described would grow over time. So much of my first few days with Kadence felt like babysitting. Even when we were home it still kind of felt like babysitting. I was in awe of her but I was secretly waiting for one of my teens to come in my front door and say thanks for watching her and take her home. I knew what it was like to babysit, I knew what it was like to love little ones and become very attached to them. I did not know what it felt like for Kadence to not leave after a day, a week, and now 3 months.

I have now gotten to experience her first smile, her first giggle, her first grasp of my finger, her first blow out diaper, her first congested nose, her first time taking antibiotics or children's tylenol, her first and second and third trip to the doctor. We've experienced lots of mishaps with each other as I adapt to being a new mom- like eating pizza and the parmesan cheese falls all over her and she looks like she has been in a snow storm, not having a prepared diaper bag (forgetting wipes or a bottle), my "wobble" as I carry her from place to place as I am sure that a 5 ft 4 woman is not supposed to balance easily with a car seat carrier. Through all of this: our late night feeds, countless trips to target, and our genuine love for each other somewhere along the way we became mother and daughter. Kadence trusts me that when she is in need I will come to her, she snuggles closer into to me than before, and her and I have this connection that if she is fussy I can just hold her close and we get through the fussiness together. Somewhere along the way she became my daughter...

I realized this transition happened this past weekend (I'm confident it happened before then but it has become VERY evident now) when we were celebrating mother's day and I woke up in a panic that someone was coming to take Kadence away from me. Satan's lies were all geared up and ready for the day as he paraded lies like "You're not her REAL mother" "It's not even official yet" "Baby daddy hasn't signed papers" "You're such a fraud" Starting mother's day this way was not how I planned. I was surrounded by deep sadness for our birth mom as I could not imagine the depth or emotions of this day for her. Right as I was praying for our birth mom, I get a text, it's from birth mom and she's wishing ME a Happy Mother's Day. As I started to talk with God I realized that somewhere I made the journey of being Kadence's babysitter and guardian to being Kadence's mother. With adoption there is a 6 month time in the state of Missouri before things become official...we are half way there...but I think when I was in babysitter/guardian mode the thoughts of the what if's did not enter my brain. But here I am now as Kadence's mother and loving her so much that the fears of the what if's are enough to keep me up at night.

As I sit here watching Kadence sleep, I remember back to sitting in the court room. I remember the judge asking, "Kylie are you prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally to fight for Kadence if it were to come to that (if baby daddy decided to come back into the picture and fight for his rights)?" Those words today send me in to panic, worry, and fear. My response then was, "No, I'm not prepared but if it were to come to that we would get there" He asked again (I think I was supposed to say yes), "Are you prepared..." I know he wanted me to say yes emotionally I was prepared and could handle to fight for Kadence and potentially loose her. That was a lie! I am and will be ready to fight for Kadence any day of the week as it pertains to paternity, a bully fighting her on the playground, any sort of medical condition, or anything else that might come her way. I have signed up for a lifetime of fighting for her- being her biggest advocate and loving her through all of her lows and highs. I will fight for her...the part I couldn't get on board with was the emotionally prepared if it came to an end...That friends I am not prepared for. There is not enough prayer in the world, not enough books, not enough support, not enough of ANYTHING to prepare me for that. I would be a wreck! I would be worse than a wreck! It would be life shattering, pick Kylie off of the ground, horrible grief and pain for years and years...There are no words for the amount of pain I perceive that would be and that's with me having nothing to compare that magnitude of pain to.

But then just I am being taken aback by the emotion that comes with that fear in that same moment I am reminded about all of the love, fear, prayer, trust, and just falling before Jesus on your knees there is in this adoption. Want to get closer to Jesus? I am confident that starting the adoption process is a sure fire way to get with Jesus...it will rock your world! It more so than anything in my world thus far has reminded me of how little I am. How much NOT in control I am and how I am not God...and yet we keep moving forward. God has hand picked this child for me, there is no court document that could articulate it differently (and that's probably what scares me deep down more because I know the court system is broken and is not Jesus)...

This Sunday is Kadence's dedication! Andy and I along with our friends and family will stand before our church and commit to raising Kadence in a godly home. We will raise her to love Jesus! Part of that teaching her to love Jesus is Andy and I radically abandoning our own fears and leaning in to Jesus. He brought us this far and we are trusting Him to complete this good and perfect work in us and that He has a plan for Kadence and her future and that He will lovingly protect her through all of the legal/paperwork side of adoption. We are choosing to trust Jesus with our hearts and our fears...

Just as I love Andy more and more each day as I see him grow in his love for Jesus, others, our community, Kadence and myself...my love for Kadence grows more and more each day as I am filled with this love that I can not describe...it's a fighter kind of a love, it's a reckless kind of a love, it's an unconditional type of love, it's a warm fuzzy kind of love, it's a love that I truly believe there are no words for...it's a mother's love

The balanced mother?

I think I made a mistake when I took maternity leave (I mean this highly sarcastically but there is probably a thin line of truth in there). When I was on maternity leave there was time for family, cooking, cleaning...I had meals on the table, laundry done, and slept well, experienced little to no stress,  had so much time for visitors and friends...it was a simple life. I was missing my teens at work desperately but my life I was experiencing was not something I could relate to. I enjoyed it, it was just surreal...fast-forward to this week where I am struggling to wonder if balance will ever be restored to my life.

I will preface this train of thought (minor rant) with telling you that I have had a rough week and that much of this paragraph will feel like complaining. I think it is healthy so that you can see that I am very normal: Every ounce of my life this week has felt planned, rushed, out of control, and many people have been in bad moods periodically through this week (including myself). Most of the things I normally really enjoy doing, this week I have not enjoyed them. My house currently looks like a tornado attacked the laundry and then heaped it in my bedroom, I have dishes stacked, and I am pretty sure yesterday when Jada picked something off the floor what she got instead was a dust bunny. There are finally groceries in the fridge (a huge undertaking in of itself), now if there was just someone to make it into a meal. Add on top of all of this- it's the week that Andy works lots of days (every other week on 12's is hell and the opposite week is SUPER). Then add on top the phone calls and texts of this person wanting to see you and that person needing this and wanting that...Then add on top of that graduation parties, weddings, and mother's day this week....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I  just want to torch the laundry, throw away all of the dishes, go out to eat- and then lock my husband, my puppy, and my beautiful baby girl up in a place that doesn't get dirty and we can just sit around, laugh, play, and snuggle. I was talking to someone and ranting about my week and they said motherhood is hard and I was like...ummm what part of that was complaining about motherhood...all the things I am complaining about existed pre-Kadence. She is the only thing that makes long weeks fun, de-stresses me, and brings me back to my happy place. The problem is prior to Kadence I didn't realize how fun NOT doing all of the other things in life was. Laundry is REALLY LAME in comparison to rocking a smiley baby girl and talking to her about her amazing daddy.

So what do I do? How do I restore balance to my life so I don't set fire to my house or snap at the next person that wants to hang out with me? More importantly how do I set up a life that creates balance so that as Kadence grows up she understands and values the importance of a healthy balance in life. I believe that as a young woman she will need to learn what it means to be a mom and a wife and in my heart I think that is SO much more than household chores and responsibilities. So, like every good problem that needs fixing I went to pinterest. I have looked up things like "life balance plan", "cleaning schedules", "meal plans"...blah,blah,blah...but I am convinced that the women that have time to make their cleaning schedule pretty, make a printable for it, and then upload it to pinterest are not my same kind of women. One of the ones I saw this morning was a monthly calendar and then at the bottom she had weekly, monthly and daily tasks. Her Daily tasks had 15 things on it, and then the weekly tasks 32 things, and then the monthly another 15 things to do. She has assigned all of them a numerical value and then in every day of the week in the monthly calendar where the numbers associated...so like on May 10th there was numbers 1,4,6,8,9,5,3,12 of and her daily tasks and immediately my reaction was RIGHT!!!!THERE IS NO WAY!!!! I would just be grateful if I got her "daily tasks" done once a week.

There has got to be a better way, a way that doesn't bring about guilt when something on the list doesn't get done. A way that gives grace when you are 3 days in and still no hot meal on the table. I think deep down I am even angry that there is a to do list at all...I don't want Kadence to grow up in a family that's driven by a to do list or the calendar...and so I leave pinterest and go to God's word arguably where I should have been all along and I sit in His grace. I know that my worth and His love for me is not defined by how many meals I made, e-mails I returned, loads of laundry I did. He has called me to love Him, my husband, my daughter, and those less fortunate than me. So instead of checking off the to do list, I find my self reflecting How well did I love Jesus this week? How did I show Andy love this week? How did I love Kadence this week? How did I love my friends at Pro Deo this week?

There has go to be a fine line between "pinterest mommy perfection" and "world's ultimate hoarder" and I think I am getting there...I am a mommy that loves Jesus, her family, her community and will strive each day to love them more. I'm secretly hoping that out of my intense love for those things that Jesus will give me more hours in the day and send me a whole host of kids so that we can divide and conquer the long list of chores on pinterest mommy's list- hahahaha.

Till then, here's me leaning into living out Love and wrapping grace all around me and breathing...here's to not being all things to all people and the freedom that comes with that!

Till next time...

The smile that heals... (this may be painful to read)

Kadence can smile now, and it's not because of gas or because she has had too much to drink (her milk coma's) it is a smile that warms my heart and fills my soul with joy! I don't know what I would do with out her, especially this week...

This week two years ago- it was a monday much like today...beautiful! I had a couple of meetings but nothing crazy sets apart my day. About two o'clock that day I had a meeting with one of my teens that had talked about killing themselves. We talked about the pain, the hospital stay, and why I had to be the one that called the police and how I could not imagine my life without him. It was emotional but the night before I had researched everything under the sun about suicide because I wanted to understand him greater, wanted to know how I could help. About three or a little later that day I got a call from one of the girls and they couldn't find one of our other teens and said she wasn't answering her phone and wondered if she was with me or if I knew where she was...she wasn't and I didn't. I immediately got in my car and started driving around. I drove to the park, to Lakeland, to the lake...anywhere that had significance...I looked for a broken down car, I looked for signs that would point me anywhere...but I had to find her. I remember being right at Todd George and Langsford and crying out to God saying, "You know where she's at! I am so mad that you won't tell me! God is she okay? God help! God where? God help!" Even remembering the terror in my prayer and the urgency and my tears to Him sends chills all down my body. Right then and there were sirens...and an ambulance appeared out of the   flood of cars. And I said to God, she's hurt? she's at the hospital? And I drove home. As I pulled in the driveway I got a call from one of the girls and they said she was at the hospital at Center Point. They didn't know anything but would call as soon as they did. That night was small group and Andy asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I said no- I figured she would be bombarded with family and friends and so I wanted to wait till the rush died down and then I would go. So off to small group we went. I remember being distracted and not being able to focus, watching my phone like crazy waiting for an update. Then the phone rang, I excused myself and walked to the end of their hallway and the man on the other line asked if I was Kylie, he told me he was a detective for Independence police department and wanted to let me know that Emily had taken her life (his words, not mine) and I (not knowing why I would ask such a thing) asked with what or how she did it. He said hand gun. I dropped to the floor gasping for air, crying and not being able to form words. Sobbing, uncontrollable sobbing. He said, "sorry for your loss" and hung up. At this point I am in the bathroom of our friends house, curled up in the fetal position crying tears and feeling an emotion I have never felt before. The amount of pain I was feeling at that moment could not be described. I cried and cried, my husband joined me in the bathroom and I cried and cried and cried, and muttered the words she's gone. And cried and cried...just telling you that I cried brings back the emotion that was in that day. I eventually pulled myself together and put on my "professional" face and told andy straight I have to go find Travis. We have to go to miller J, the kids need to know, we have to tell them, we have to go now...we abruptly told our friends we needed to leave and headed to the park. We went to the park, we told the kids, they cried, they smoked...we all tried to find a way to cope. The phone calls started, first to our board, then to volunteers, and friends, and then my family...Emily was not just a teen (although I would argue that none of my kids are "just another teen" they are my life, my family, they mean everything to me...and Emily even more so because I had been close to her since she was 15. She was one of those girls that could just bring a smile to your face and she warmed my heart. We were vulnerable together in our struggles, in our walk with God...Emily was like a little sister I never had. The next days passed and we had a ton of kids passed out all over our floor (this was beautiful) because it was just to painful for us all to be alone. We all wanted to be moved to action yet we were all paralyzed by our grief. Thursday was the visitation and there were so many people, so many lives effected by her smile, her spirit. I remember walking through and being sad for the family of whoever it was that we were mourning but it not sinking in that it was Emily. Friday we buried her, Friday night we had a candle light vigil. I remember praying that night, I remember before I prayed out loud that I told God I wanted those kids to know that they could be mad, that they could grieve, that God was big enough to hold them in their pain and that we did not have to come to him "pretty". We all went home friday...and somehow life was supposed to go back to normal...it didn't...all summer I hibernated...all summer I grieved...all summer I didn't make a single phone call to check on anyone else, I sat in my pain (looking back I regret this but I couldn't muster up the strength to  reach out to anyone). Looking back I wish we would have educated each other on how we grieve because instead of dealing with it we had/have kids that resorted to alcohol, sex, food, cutting, anger, laughing...they all dealt differently with grief and then would get mad at each other when they weren't on the same path. So friendships got strained, and in general life was hard. I cried for 8 weeks straight at church, I wondered if I would ever be able to make it through church and not cry. Days and weeks of loneliness and grief followed. Somewhere I figured out how to suppress the pain...Fall started back and I got into a rhythm...but my rhythm was missing an Emily.

It's been two years this week (last year we went on vacation this week so I didn't have to be in here) since she passed. I am still wounded, I still cry, I still grieve. I try to find her in the weather, and at hobby lobby when I find bedazzled office supplies...but it is just not the same. I want so bad for her passing to mean life change for our city. I want her life to be a change agent in our community, where we rise up and fight for teens and their struggles and we talk about suicide. My life is forever changed because of her passing. I wish desperately that Emily would have gotten to meet Kadence and then I stop and a smirk comes across my face...I have no doubt that she "helped" pick out our little girl. In my head I picture her, my dad, and my grandpa all sitting at a table with God talking about our little girl. Talking to God about what she would look like, how she would smile, what she would like to do, and even the orchestrating of all the little details leading up to Kadence's birth. All of them knew how much I needed to be reminded that God gives and isn't just in the game of taking away. They all knew I had wounds, they all knew I needed a miracle. They all knew how much I needed a little girl of my very own. I think I always would have been grateful for Kadence but I think going through the amount of pain I have gone through in the last 6 years and THEN getting a miracle...makes this miracle all a little sweeter. So, when I look at my little girl and she smiles, it warms my heart...not as a baby smiling at a mommy but as God loving on me, reminding me that He loves me and that He has not given up on us, and that he is still creating miracles in this fallen world. When Kadence smiles I feel My dad tell me Thanks for giving him a granddaughter, and that he is proud of me, and that he loves me. When Kadence smiles I hear my grandpa telling me how beautiful she is and how he wished he could have held her and that I'm going to be a good mom. Then I see Emily in Kadence's smile and I hear her say...here's your little girl we prayed for, now dress her well and make me proud and don't forget to accessorize (I think we are doing fairly well at this:))...I smile for I know Kadence is a special kind of miracle whose smile heals her mommy's broken heart and is a gift from God to meet me right where I am. So this week I will hold Kadence tight, missing Emily and the sunshine she brought to my life but thanking her for helping mold me into the woman and mom I am today. Emily will always be sunshine in my heart, she will NEVER be forgotten.

There is pain this week and I'm feeling it but I also feel God's peace as he has brings healing in my heart...